A Very Downton Christmas (or Let's All Talk About That One Time Mary Had Sex Eight Years Ago)

Note: I enjoy Downton Abbey. I don’t love it, the way I did last year, but I still think it’s a nice little show if you can take it as what it is – a primetime soap opera for people who think they’re too classy for primetime soap operas. But as I was watching last night, I couldn’t help but get hung up on one of the recurring themes of the Christmas episode: Let’s All Talk About That One Time Mary Had Sex Eight Years Ago.

Yes, inevitably it was going to come up – that Matthew and Lord Grantham (not quite but nearly the only two principles who didn’t know about it) would find out was a narrative inevitability. Someone hung the gun of Mary Having Sex on the wall in Act One or 1912; of course it’s going to go off by Act Three, 1920.

But is it just me or did it come up in every bloody scene?

So since that and a few other things about the episode bothered me enough to wake me up at five in the morning on a day I have off, I thought I’d bring you this very special episode (which you should absolutely not read if you haven’t seen the show yet and are the sort of person who bitches about spoilers):

A VERY DOWNTON CHRISTMAS
(or “Let’s All Talk About That One Time Mary Had Sex Eight Years Ago”)
a Jordan Baker production.

Cast: Tra la la la la! It’s Christmastime, the one time of year when the weather at Downton is remotely different! And we’re going to celebrate by following the truck with the tree on it up the driveway instead of the dog’s ass!

Scene 1: The Great Hall
Crawleys: Here are some presents, servants!
Servants: Yay! Thank you for the dress fabric and obscure books! We shall reward you with another year of unflagging loyalty!
Thomas: (to O’Brien, aside)…and some schemes!

Scene 2: The Library, or Something
Maggie Smith: Hilarious one liner!
Sir Richard: I’m a dick, so I’m going to complain about having to serve myself on Christmas.
Lady Mary: It’s tradition – the servants have their Christmas feast at lunch and serve us ours at dinner.
Sir Richard: Well, when we’re married, there’ll be NO feasts and NO Christmas for the servants!
Matthew: God, Mary, I realize I said I’d never marry you because our unholy cousin lust killed poor Lavinia, but must you marry this dick?
Lady Mary: I must! (aside) …for if I do not, he shall tell the world about That One Time I Had Sex Eight Years Ago.
Lady Crawley: I’m terribly worried about poor Bates.
Lord Crawley: Yes, it’s so vexing to have one’s valet tried for murder. Do you know I’ve had to put on my own pants every day this week?
Lady Crawley: And also, Bates could hang.
Lord Crawley: Well, yes. That too, of course.
Maggie Smith: Hilarious one liner!

Scene 3: Remember That Old Guy Edith Used To Like Back In Season One?
Maggie Smith: Oh, look! It’s that old guy Edith used to like! Hilarious one liner!
Old Guy: Oh, hullo, Edith! I’m maimed now!
Lady Edith: I still love you! Despite not having thought of you at all during the war while I was kissing a married farmer and then trying to convince everyone that that burned guy was our cousin! I really do still love you!
Old Guy: No, you don’t Edith. I’m totally old and maimed. You deserve better.
Lady Edith: Is this because of what Mary said? Because that was lies! Spiteful lies! Which I totally did not bring upon myself by writing a letter to the Turkish Embassy about That One Time She Had Sex Eight Years Ago, and thus putting a secret that could ruin our family out as gossip!
Old Guy: No, it’s not that. It’s just that you’re the worst, Edith, the absolute worst. Even the servants don’t like you. Even your parents. Even the writers. In fact, your next lines are the last thing you’ll say for rest of the episode, so you should make them good.
Lady Edith: Oh. Um….
Old Guy: Oh, Edith. You fail at everything.

Scene 4: New Years
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!
Sir Richard: I’m a dick. Why do we have to pour our own champagne on New Year’s Eve?
Lady Mary: Oh, for God’s sake, can’t you stop your bitching? This is the way we do things – two meals a year we serve our own wine and sandwiches! The rest of the year, we don’t even wipe our own bums!
Sir Richard: When we’re married, there will BE NO SANDWICHES, NO WINE, AND NO BUMS!
Matthew: Now that I’m back from watching Lavinia’s father die--he too was killed by the unholy cousin lust-- I can’t help wondering why Mary is determined to marry that dick.
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!

Scene 5: The Hunt
Matthew: It’s totally alright if I flirt with you, right Mary? Even though I’ve said several times that I’m not going to marry you since our unholy cousin lust wiped out Lavinia’s entire family. I’m still really curious about why you’re marrying that dick.
Lady Mary: Oh, Matthew! I wish I could tell you, but you would DESPISE me! (aside) Because how could any man not DESPISE a woman who Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago?
Sir Richard: I DESPISE you for it! But I’m still going to marry you, because I’m a dick! Now, I’m going back to London for a few scenes to see if I can grow a moustache to twirl.

Scene 6: Below Stairs
Servants: Oh, we’re all so worried about Mr. Bates being on trial for murder!
Thomas: I’d kind of like his job.
Carson: No jobs for you, thief and pervert!
Thomas: Now I’ll have to scheme up a scheme.
Daisy: I still feel bad about William.
Lady Rosamund’s Sketchy Maid: You’re totally underappreciated here.
Daisy: Now I feel bad about MYSELF!
O’Brien: Let’s play with a Ouija board!

Scene 7: The Dowager Countess’s House
Sir Subplot: I’d like to marry your daughter for her money!
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!

Scene 8: The Courthouse in York
Random Solicitor: Let’s all remember not to say anything that could make Bates look guilty.
O’Brien: (on the stand) …and then there was that time he said she made him feel extra special murder-y.
Mrs. Hughes: (on the stand) ….he called from London and asked if he could have Mrs. Patmore’s recipe for arsenic pie.
Lord Grantham: (on the stand) …as he was putting on my pants for me, he may’ve said something about the only good wife being a dead wife. But I was too busy trying to boff the most recent second housemaid to pay much attention.
Random Solicitor: Well, that went well!
Judge: John Bates will hang!
Anna: Noooooooo!

Scene 9: Dinner at Downton
Sir Richard: I’m back, and very frustrated that I’ve proved unable to grow a moustache! So I’m going to grab you by the arm!
Lady Mary: Oh, Jesus, can’t you even pretend not to be a dick?
(later)
Lord Grantham: Why on earth is Mary marrying that dick?
Lady Grantham: I suppose I should tell you. Do you remember when Mr. Pamouk came to stay?
Lord Grantham: Let me see, now. Pamouk….Pamouk…rings a bell, but one does so much entertaining…
Lady Grantham: The dead Turk.
Lord Grantham: Oh, right. Died in his own bed.
Lady Grantham: Well, he actually died in Mary’s bed. That’s right – Mary Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago.
Lord Grantham: Good God.
Lady Grantham: Also Sybil is pregnant with the chauffeur’s baby, off screen in Ireland.
Lord Grantham: Oh, man! I have the WORST LIFE. No sons, no valet, one of my daughters is a ho and the other one is having a Feenian Baby.
Lady Grantham: Dude, that’s racist.

Scene 10: The Library, or Something
Lord Grantham: Mary, your mother told me about how you Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago.
Lady Mary: You must DESPISE me now.
Lord Grantham: Well, kind of. But I still don’t think you should marry that dick. So… just break it off with him, and then go to America for awhile while his papers run stories about what a ho you are.
Lady Mary: Oh, Papa! You’re so wonderful!
Lord Grantham: Bring home a cowboy or something. It can’t be any worse than that Mick Chauffeur your sister married.
Anna: Can I come with you to America? To escape the scandal of my husband being hanged as a murderer?
Lady Mary: Of course you can! Is it just me, or does anyone else think this has the potential to be an AWESOME SPIN-OFF?

Scene 11: Below Stairs
Thomas: In case all my scheming and war profiteering and gayness hadn’t made it clear how evil I was, now I’m going to steal a dog!
O’Brien: Let’s play with a Ouija board!
Daisy: WON’T SOMEBODY FUCKING APPRECIATE ME???

Scene 12: The Churchyard. Lavinia’s Grave
Matthew: Well, thank you for coming to the burial of Lavinia’s father, who will hopefully be the last victim of our unholy cousin lust that has the power to kill people.
Lady Mary: Yes, it’s very sad. Hopefully our cousin lust won’t kill people when I’ve…moved….on.
Matthew: To marry that dick, you mean?
Lady Mary: (vaguely) Or whatever. (Exit)
Isobel: Dude, she still totally loves you. You should get with that.
Matthew: BUT WHAT OF OUR UNHOLY COUSIN LUST THAT KILLS PEOPLE???
Isobel: How did I raise such a dumbass?

Scene 13: Dinner At Downton
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!
Lady Rosamund: I’m going to marry this Subplot guy. I know he just wants my money, but my maid – who’s worked for me a full two months – thinks it’s a good idea, so clearly that's the right advice to go on.
(later – the Library, or something)
Lady Mary: I’m not going to marry you, because you’re such a dick.
Sir Richard: I will DESTROY YOU!
Matthew: Something wrong in here?
Sir Richard: You! You and your unholy cousin lust is what’s wrong in here! First it killed Lavinia, and now it’s killed MY HAPPINESS!
(a fist fight ensues)
Lord Grantham: There will be no fist fights at Downton!
Sir Richard: I’ll leave first thing in the morning, then.

Scene 14: Night in The Garden
Lady Mary: ….so you see, I’ll be going to America for awhile while Sir Richard’s newspapers are full of stories about how I Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago.
Matthew: Hm. Did you love Pamouk?
Lady Mary: Um, no. I’d just met him that day.
Matthew: Well if it wasn’t love, what was it?
Lady Mary: It was lust! Rebellion! Kind of rapey, actually, since he let himself into my room and told me I was ruined by his presence there whether I let him have his way with me or not.
Matthew: Well this is…hm.
Lady Mary: You DESPISE me now, don’t you?
Matthew: Despise is a strong word.

Scene 15: Next Day. The Library or Something
Lord Grantham: Yay, I’ve got a telegram saying Bates won’t be hanged!
Lady Grantham: Yay! Let’s dance with some servants! Because that’s a perfectly normal reaction!
Anna: Yay! Now I won’t have to go to America!
Lady Mary: But what about our AWESOME SPIN-OFF?

Scene 16: The Servants’ Ball
Thomas: Since my dog stealing scheme paid off and I’m now the valet, may I ask for a waltz, my lady?
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner! (they dance)

Anna: Lady Rosamund! That fortune hunter is boffing your maid!
Lady Rosamund: Well. That’s an embarrassing turn of events.
Sir Subplot: We’ll leave first thing in the morning, then.
Daisy: I want a raise!
Mrs. Patmore: Sounds good to me!
Daisy: I still feel bad about William! But now I feel better about myself!

Scene 17: Below Stairs
Anna: Let’s play with a Ouija Board!
Daisy: My new self confidence makes this seem like a good idea!
Ghost Lavinia: OoooOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooh…I want Mary and Matthew to be happy! OooOOOOooooOOOOOOOh!
Daisy: Gosh, she’s just as soppy as a ghost as she was in real life, ain’t she?
Anna: it’s not our place to speak so of our betters.

Scene 18: Exterior
Matthew: Mary, I’ve decided I was wrong about the whole unholy cousin lust thing, and would like to marry you.
Lady Mary: So you don’t mind that I Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago?
Matthew: No, of course not! I mean, you Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago; I got engaged to a meek piece of fluff who died in one of the spare rooms and now haunts your family home as a soppy ghost. No one’s perfect. So will you?
Lady Mary: Not until you get down on one knee!
Matthew: Well, it seems excessive to make a man who used to be paralyzed in the legs kneel in poorly rendered CGI snow, but alright. (kneels) Will you marry me?
Lady Mary: Yes!

Ghost Lavinia: OoooooOOOOooooOOOOOoh, I’m so happy for them!
Ghost Pamouk: OoooooOOOooooOOOooh…me too. Wanna bone?

And they all* lived happily ever after. Until next season.

*Except Edith, but seriously. Edith is the worst.

Top Chef: Cookin' in a Winter Wonderland

You know… I was starting a haiku for Beverly, and I couldn’t get past the first line, and I just thought “no. No more. You’ve had one haiku already, Beverly. No more haiku for you.”

And I want to apologize – again again again, I know – for being late on this. I’ve just gotten to a point where this show …

…and it pains me to say this, because for so long, this has been my favorite show. This is not just the shit I watch on Wednesday nights. This is a show I’ve invested in. I follow the 3 main judges and about ten of my favorite former contestants on twitter. I’ve watched every episode (except one) of both of the spin offs. I own all 3 cookbooks, the Trivia game, a Brian Voltaggio bobblehead, and an “I heart Fabio” t-shirt (which I still wear to the gym, even though I no longer heart Fabio). I’ve dropped beaucoup dollars at some of these chefs restaurants (either at a fine restaurant on a one-off or over the course of the many shakes and Obama burgers I’ve scarfed down at Good Stuff)…

…but it’s just not a priority for me anymore. Wednesday nights used to be locked down on my calendar – I could grab a drink after work, maybe, but I had a self imposed 9:45 curfew (and I am a hardass who will ground my own ass if I’m not home on time).

Now? Wednesday night? You want to play pub trivia? You want to grab dinner? You want to …shoot skeet? Go dancing? Well, there you’re out of luck – I hate dance clubs like I hate beets and Rick Santorum. But the rest of it, I’m down for.

I’m still watching, clearly. I’d still watch even if it weren’t for y’all. It’s not like Glee, where if I’m not home for an episode, I delete it off the DVR without watching. But it’s lost the centrality it used to have for me.

So let’s just do this. Bev is out and all is right with the world, and Bravo has loused up the "show shots" again, and here’s your recap.

We open in the scenic airport parking lot in Vancouver. Sarah arrives and waits next to a car for the other chefs. Her goal is to stay calm and be a really nice person. Lindsay and Paul arrive and hug each other. Lindsay says the three of them have a special bond, but it’s weird to see Beverly. They pile into their Toyota. Paul is trying to win for his grandfather, who fled China.

In the Toyota, they find a note instructing them to drive to Whistler and go to the top of the mountain. Beverly talks about having a lot to prove but says she has everything it takes to be Top Chef.

They arrive at Whistler and pile into a gondola which whisks them up to the top of a mountain. Sarah imagines a “skiing relay race” where they have to collect ingredients on their way down the hill.

Tom and Padma await them on top of a hill where Padma is nearly getting blown sideways. So, blah blah blah Olympics and blah blah blah culinary games, and only THREE of them will move on to the final phase of the competition. They’ll have to compete in 3 events, and the winner of each will get $10,000. For the first, they’ll have to cook while in a moving gondola. Paul is not happy, since he gets motion sickness. Oh, and at some point they have to jump out, get another ingredient, and get back in.

Gondola flurry. Paul is nauseous, but makes lamb. Sarah finds the selection a bit daunting, and she can’t get bottles open in the cold. Yeah, I’d be fucked. My fingers go completely numb when I’m cold, AND I get motion sick. Beverly is knocking things over all over the place, and making a cold dish. Lindsay is a bit worried about the challenges of cooking at such high altitude, and her burners tip.

So they hit the peak in shifts. Paul picks Wasabi paste. His lamb isn’t caramelizing the way he wants, so he cuts the pieces smaller. Sarah takes prune juice, which she plans to use to deglaze her chorizo. Beverly grabs horseradish, which she thinks will compliment her white anchovy sauce. Lindsay also grabs the horseradish and plans to use it in a vinaigrette.

Pauls gondola approaches the destination, and he plates quickly. The plates aren’t the way he’d want, though. Commercial.

Back. Paul enters the dining room and serves Gretchen Bleiler, professional snowboarder, who’s there with the judges. Paul explains his Seared Lamb Loin with Curried Mushrooms, Fresh Juniper and Cinnamon Gastrique.

In her gondola, Sarah is having a tough time gauging her time. She comes into the dining room and gives the judges her Chorizo Sausage with Gooseberry Sauce and Pickled Mushrooms. Beverly is trying to find something she can make crispy, and ends up frying some capers. She says she’d totally serve this dish in her restaurant – it’s Salmon Tartare, Anchovy Horseradish Crème Fraiche and Crispy Capers. Finally, Lindsay realizes as her gondola pulls in that she hasn’t made enough salmon, so she halves the portions and carries in her Seared Salmon over Red Quinoa “Risotto” with Chorizo. Oh, god, that all sounds so good to me.

Tom thought Paul’s meat was underseasoned, but he did a nice job. Gail’s meat was unevenly cooked, but she loved the mushrooms and snowboarder girl loves the wasabi. Tom wishes there was more of a prune taste in Sarah’s, and Padma likes the way the gooseberry gave the acid. Gretchen wasn’t expecting a cold dish from Beverly, but Tom thinks the horseradish made the dish. Gail compliments her knife work. Tom tells Lindsay she couldn’t have cooked the salmon any better, and snowboarder girl thins she did a great job.

The judges all scribble names on cards and hand them to Padma, who says that the winner of this round won’t JUST get $10,000, they’ll get passed to the final round in Vancouver, and won’t have to cook in the next 2 events. Tom says they were expecting someone to really stumble, but no one did.

Padma tells them that Paul came in last, and Sarah took 3^rd. So that leaves Lindsay and Beverly, and the winner is…Lindsay. She thinks it feels good, and is awesome to have a guaranteed spot. Padma tells them they’ll see them tomorrow.

The chefs check into the Fairmont Chateau Whistler. Beverly thinks it’s a good sign because her restaurant, Aria, is in the Fairmont Chicago. Ulch. Paul just wants it to be over with.

That night, Sarah and Paul have a confab in one of the bedrooms, and talk about how much it would suck to end up in the last competition, and how they can’t underestimate Beverly. “Beverly has already been eliminated once,” Sarah tells us. “She has nothing to lose at this point. Now, Beverly is ready, she’s focused, she is that silent horse. She wants to be meek and timid and people don’t see her. And then she likes to attack like a tiger.”

That is like a festival of mixed metaphors right there.

The next morning, The three remaining chefs arrive at Whistler Olympic Park, and see the judges with Olympic Gold Medalist Jon Montgomery. He's cute. And only 2 years younger than I am! New crush! Padma unveils their pantry…and we cut to commercial.

Back. The pantry is frozen in ice! “How do you get it out?” Beverly wonders. They’ll have to pick away at the ice blocks to get into them. They have an hour to thaw their ingredients and make them come to life in this dish. Sarah is really nervous, and doesn’t want to go head to head against Beverly. Olympic Gold Medalist guy says something lame comparing the Olympics to Top Chef, and it’s time to start.

Paul and Beverly get into a minor tussle over a crab leg, which seems like a REALLY BAD PLAN when you’re running with ice picks. Actually, Beverly with anything that could be weaponized sounds really bad. Paul gets his crab legs out. Beverly eventually gets some scallops and peas loose, and Paul gets some fruit. He ends up helping Beverly and Sarah crack their blocks, because the challenge should be about the food, not about how many ice blocks you can break. They all start cooking at some point between the 25 and 21 minute mark remaining. Paul makes fun of Sarah for liking the cold and having assimilated to Chicago even though she’s from Houston.

14 minutes. Paul can’t finish his gastrique, so he’s making a mango chutney. Beverly grabs ice shards and puts them in her pan since there’s no liquid. Sarah’s soup separates and breaks because of the cold. Time!

Sarah serves first and presents her Pea and Spinach Soup. Tom thinks the flavor is really good, but Gail says the almonds seem heavy because the soup is so thin. Next up is Paul’s Brown Butter Poached King Crab and Mango Chutney. Gail loves the mango and crab combination, but her mango is still a bit frozen. New Olympics Crush thinks its exceptional. Finally we have Beverly’s Seared Scallop with Red Wine Reduction, Butter Couscous , Peas and Corn. New Olympics Crush asks Bev if she was thinking of any of the other contestants while she was hacking away at the ice. “I can think of one or two she might like to take out,” Gail says drily.

I don’t get this – haven’t the judges all made a point in the past of not commenting on things that happened in the “aired” version of the show that they wouldn’t have been privy to during taping? Were they all this far up Marcel’s ass in Season 2, and I didn’t even notice?

Anyway, Padma says that she likes the sear on the scallop, and that she got the cous cous right.

Padma announces that the winner of the event is Paul. Sarah hugs him. He gets $10,000 and to move on to Vancouver. He’s “warmed up, broken in, and ready to move on to Vancouver.” Bev knows that this is the last chance for her and Sarah to move on. “I think I have the most drive,” she says tearfully (as though there were any other way for Beverly to say things). Sarah is not pleased to have to go head to head with Beverly. Commercial.

Back. Either the next day or later the same day, Beverly and Sarah walk around on some more snow. Beverly interviews that she’s “been bullied a lot and underestimated in this competition” so it feels right to face off against Sarah for the final spot. They meet up with Padma, who’s holding a gun, Tom and Gail, and Olympic Gold medalist Cammi Granato. Padma tells them it’s their last “shot” to move on to the final 3. They’ll compete in a culinary biathalon – cross country skiing through the trees before coming back to the starting point, and shooting targets with the names of their ingredients on them. They’ll have ten bullets, and once an ingredient’s shot, it’s not available to the other.

Beverly has never skied or shot before. Tom tells them this is the closest they’ll ever come to actually shooting and killing something on Top Chef.

So, time starts, and they ski off, Beverly moving swiftly at first before she pauses to take off her hat (stupid move: you lose all your heat through your skull) and then falling down every three steps the rest of the way. She gets to the turn around point before Sarah, but falls again as Sarah approaches and trips Sarah with her ski pole.

Anyway, Beverly gets back to the shooting range first, and shoots Arctic Char on the first try. Sarah makes it back. Beverly misses four shots at Celery Root . Sarah misses her first four shots at rabbit. Beverly gets truffles on her second shot. Sarah gets cabbage on the first shot. Beverly shoots something else. Sarah gets hazelnut on the second shot. Beverly uses her last shot on beets (bleah). And says she can forsee herself in the final 3. Sarah shoots cherries with her final shot.

Beverly gets to the kitchen and starts working on her slow roasted arctic char. Sarah follows and starts on her braised rabbit, and working on something that shows her German heritage. Beverly can’t even toss ingredients in a bowl without throwing them all over the place. She’s worried because there’s no coconut milk or lemongrass in the pantry. Then she takes the outlet in Beverly’s station despite having one at her own.

Eleven minutes. The judges enter a dining room at the Whistler Conference Center -- or Centre, since we're in Canada. Ooh, Canada. You fancy, huh?

Sarah puts out a small fire. Fifty seconds. Time! The servers take out their dishes, and Beverly explains her Arctic Char with Onion and Beet Compote, Celery Root Truffle Puree and Fennel Salad. Sarah’s dish is Braised Rabbit Leg and Heart, Cherries, Cabbage Puree and Hazelnut Sauce with a slice of rabbit heart on top. That sounds really good, and I don’t even eat rabbit (I have too much of an affinity with them. It’d be like eating my spirit animal).

Tom asks Beverly to walk through her thought process, and she does. He likes the dish and the celery root sauce, but thinks it’s slightly overcooked. Gail likes the flavor combination, and skier lady thought it was very delicious.

Tom tells Sarah she took risks by making sauerkraut and braising the rabbit in such a short time. The hockey lady wanted another bite right away, but Gail thought the rabbit was a little tough. Tom says they’re both good dishes, and they haven’t made it easy for them. Padma sends them out of the room. They end up back in the kitchen. Beverly thinks it’s going to be really close.

Hockey lady thought the cherries and hazelnuts in Sarah’s were a great combination, and Tom loved the way she incorporated the ingredients and the heart. Gail still says it’s tough. Gail just hates everyone but Beverly, doesn’t she?

Apparently, because she launches into an enthusiastic list of the “smart things Beverly did” in her dish. Hockey lady liked the beets and onions, but Tom says the char was underseasoned. Padma says it’s sad that one’s going home tonight, but they have an answer. Commercial.

Fakeback. Paul and Lindsay enter the kitchen and hug the remaining two and ask them about the feedback. Lindsay hopes Sarah can get to the final round with them. Paul says the most surprising thing about Beverly is how tough she is.

Back. This is the part I made it home in time for on Wednesday. Tom says Sarah’s dish was well thought out, but the rabbit could either have been cooked more or cooked less. Beverly went in an earthy direction rather than her usual Asian flavors. But only one can make it through.

Padma tells Beverly to pack her knives and go. Her voice breaks on the go. Beverly blabs something about an awesome opportunity, and hugs Sarah. Padma is clearly crying as they cut to her face. Jesus, did Beverly blow them all under the table or something? Why this unprecedented display of crying from Padma.

Beverly goes back and gets hugged by the others, and yammers stupid self help shit about how far she’s come and how hard she’s fought.

Padma congratulates Sarah on going to the finale and winning $10,000. Sarah had forgotten the $10,000. She goes back to the kitchen and gives Beverly a long hug, and they lie to each other about how amazing they are. Beverly cries some more in an interview.

Next “this time, Beverly’s not coming back. It’s only going to get harder. Why’d I make pasta. Is this supposed to be so frozen. Only two of you will move onto the finale.

Ok, what? That is some bullshit. I want this season to be over. Fucking Bravo and their fucking two week finale.

Project Runway All Stars: The Roar of the Judges, the Smell of the Gowns

Kara, stop crying
It can’t be as bad as that.
Oh wait. Spoke too soon…

Guys, right before my alarm went off this morning, I dreamt that after Kara was offed, Mila – who, in my dream, had won the challenge for that hideous piece of nonsense -- followed her to the workspace, looking for a dramatic made-for-TV type confrontation, and ended up trying to beat and choke her to death, Chris Brown style.

I think this says a few things:

1. 1. I am more invested in this show than I should be, given that it’s been a relatively tedious and drama free season.

2. 2. I thought that the judging last night was sufficiently crack-a-doodle-doo that I would not have been shocked if they’d rewarded the faux fur mess that Mila made for the star of Coke Whore: The Musical. I was down with the top and the ouster, truly, but some of what they thought was top or bottom material seemed dreadfully misaligned to me.

3. 3, Mila kind of skurrrrs me, for some reason.

When I was jolted awake by my alarm (after an additional brief dream segment where I was walking across my childhood neighbors’ yard and ended up thigh-deep in a marshy puddle being mocked by the kid who plays Ryan in Suburgatory), I was relieved to remember that none of that had actually happened, except for Kara’s ousting.

And that….I can’t and won’t argue with. I like Kara, both as a designer and a reminder of what the show used to be. But her work in All Stars has been consistently below the curve. And then there’s the crying. Oy, the crying.

(Speaking of the crying, oy the crying, and of things that are relatively tedious – though not drama free – but which I’m not invested in, or not invested enough to stay home on Wednesday night if I have a better offer, Top Chef sometime tomorrow, poppies. And yes, I’m ecstatic that Beverly is out, again, and for keeps this time [we hope. Jebus, don’t let there be another twist where that mildewing human kitchen sponge gets to come back in])

But let’s take care of the matter at hand, shall we?

Morning breaks over the Flatotel as Austin does Kenley’s hair. Two seconds in, and the episode has already given me a new life goal: I want Austin to move in with me and do my hair. Every morning. In return, I will do all the cooking and pay the rent. Everyone is shocked about Rami going home. “Eventually, they all have to go so I can get my check,” Jerell says.

The designers head off to Circle in the Square Theatre where UnHeidi greats them, a Project Runway screen on one side of her and a Godspell screen on the other. Let me be frank: as big a theatre geek as I have been my entire life, I’ve never seen Godspell and don’t know what it’s about (though I’m told it has something to do with Jesus). BUT! I do know some of the songs, because the church I grew up going to was sufficiently strange and hippieish in its orientation that we used “Prepare Ye” and “Day by Day” in Mass on a regular basis (we also had priests who wore Birkenstocks, and folding chairs instead of pews. It was awesome, and probably why I’ve never been able to achieve the same degree of angry disenfranchisement from Catholicism that many people do).

Let’s pause for a moment and take in the fact that Kenley is wearing the world’s most ridiculous hat. I can’t even.

Anyway, composer Stephen Schwartz comes out and tells them that the winner will have his or her design featured in Godspell, and a bio in Playbill. UnHeidi then brings out Danny Goldstein, the director, and one of the actresses, Uzo Aduba. She is playing a very rich woman who likes everyone to know how rich she is. The show is characterized by a vintage, thrift store-y feel. And it’s a separates challenge, since the actors have to put it on her on stage. They have $200 and a day.

Next they have 30 minutes to sketch in the theatre. Mondo thinks this will be a tricky challenge for everyone because of the preconceptions they all have about Broadway. Then it’s off to Mood, for 30 minutes of shopping. Austin wants a fabric that “will just speak luxury, opulence, conspicuous consumption, richness.” Kara is making a “fur type stole jacket.” Austin talks about loving Kara’s roller coaster emotions.

Back at the 1407 workspace, Kenley says she has to get her curlers out. Oh, thank god, that was a curler cap, not a hat she thought was modish. She’s making a brocade top. Jerell is making a lamé piece with a peplum. Kara is hoping the judges will notice the clean lines and simple, chic aesthetic. She and Kenley dance around, and Mila complains about how she can’t deal with their “unnecessary, over the top love of one another’s designs,” and thinks they’ll have a breakdown when one of them is eliminated. This is why people have dreams about you trying to choke out the other designers, Mila. Stuff like this. Commercial.

Back. Sew sew sew, cut cut cut. Austin is excited about the possibility of having a Broadway debut. Mondo does an extended pitch for the Neiman Marcus accessory wall.

Joanna arrives for her Joannathru and talks about how exciting this challenge is. She starts by meeting with Austin. His look is inspired by Marie Antoinette. Joanna loves it because it reminds her of “is it hideous or is it fabulous?” She thinks Kara’s look isn’t ambitious enough, and that she’s not pushing herself. Kara cries in an interview.

Joanna heads over to Mila, who she nudges toward doing a pencil skirt because that says power to her. She then tells Mondo that she was in Godspell at one point. She loves the fabric of his jacket, which is meant to reflect the character’s father’s old smoking jacket. To Jerell, she thinks he’s got a lot going on with his jacket and doesn’t need to do too much accessorizing. She nearly dies over the fact that Kenley doesn’t have polka dots for once. Kenley’s also not accessorizing because there’s a lot going on with her fabric.

Joanna says she’s impressed with their talent, tells them to “break a leg,” and leaves. Kara continues crying a bit about what Joanna said. Michael hits her and says “why are you crying?” I’m sure the shoulder smack was really helpful with the tears situation. Then he and Mondo hug her.

Model fitting. Mondo thinks his outfit is looking heavy, overthought, and overdone. He’s going to rework it. The models leave, giving them a half hour more of work time. Kara cautions Mondo not to get himself in a tizzy, because she did and it doesn’t help. Mondo reflects on the tough time he had last week, and says it’s hard to come back from that and do good work. Mila doesn’t see “a whole lot of other elements” to Kara’s look. Commercial.

Back. It’s the next day, and they head back to the workroom. Mondo says he has to go through a dark place to make himself work harder, so he tells himself he’s stuck to push himself. Mila is working on the fur jacket, and feels like a “crazy cat woman.” As a crazy cat woman, I object to Mila’s derision. Austin doesn’t have time to finish things the way he needs to. Then he gets upset about Jerell using the machine he wanted.

The models enter for their final fitting. Michael has to make straps to keep his model’s shoes on. The models go and get their hair and makeup done with the usual product placement nonsense and flood of terms like “old Hollywood glamour.”

Ten minutes remaining. Kara body checks Kenley’s model. Mondo thinks Kara pushed her look right up to the edge, but not over. Austin doesn’t get “bitchy drama queen” from Michael C.’s (he calls him Michael C too! I realize I’ve finally broken myself of the habit, but it’s nice to know that Austin’s in that boat with me. Clearly this means he should come and live with me and do my hair every morning) he gets “mother of the bride.” Mila is piling accessories on her look, which Jerell thinks looks like a “girl who can’t get into the club.” Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi comes onto the runway wearing a dress that looks like poured silver. “Ooooh,” the designers say, showing interest in UnHeidi for the first time ever. The judges are Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac, and Sutton Foster. Sutton Foster is adorable.

The show opens with Michael Costello’s look, which is a costume for the Ambassador of Lettuce from Salad: the Musical or something. “I wanna know who she is,” he says. Um, Michael, I just told you. She’s the Ambassador of Lettuce. Dur.

Kenley’s is next, with her costume for Vintage Store: The Musical. I LOVE the jacket. It’s the bomb. Not 100% crazy about the way the prints work together, but I get it. My real concern is that it’s maybe more actual clothes that someone with total balls about combining prints would wear in real life than it is a costume.

You can really kind of see the French “decadent aristocrat” influence in Austin’s costume in Let Them Eat Cake! The Musical, which is a rock-opera-bio of Marie Antoinette, but re-set to take place in the modern day club scene. Seriously, though, it’s pretty awesome – the modern elements and the over the top brocades he’s used work really nicely together.

Jerell has made a costume for Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest: the Musical. This is what Joan wears at the mid-point of the second act, when she brings down the house with her rousing solo “Don’t Fuck With Me, Fellas!”

Kara’s…Ok, the skirt is fine, I don’t love the way the stole works for it because it bulks the whole thing up, and it may be a bit too normal. It’s like a costume for Here Are Some Clothes I Found: The Musical.

Mondo has mande an insanely gorgeous Belle Epoque loungey masterpiece that the heroine wears in Klimt’s “The Kiss”: The Musical. In motion, it has the same kind of poured metal effect that UnHeidi’s dress did when she came out onto the runway.

Mila has made a terrible skirt and a cheap looking faux fur jacket for the secondary lead to wear in Lookin’ For a Good Time, Fellas?: The Musical. The character who wears this makes a splashy enterance in the first act as part of the group singing the splashy tune “No Names and No Kissing” and dies in the second after the mournful ballad “There’s Bugs Under My Skin.” Mila says it’s a “notice me outfit.” I say it’s a “drug addled hooker from the ‘80s” outfit.

Jerell is the only one UnHeidi asks to step forward. He’s safe. The rest are either the top or the bottom, and this is where the whole experiment goes slightly catty-wampus in my eyes.

The judges begin with Michael, who tried to put “humor” into his outfit. “It’s very lovely. I wish it was slightly more eccentric,” Mrs. Weinstein says. Wait, they like this? This embarrassing piece of shit? The Ambasador of Lettuce dress is in the top? For reals? I guess so, because Sutton says it draws her eye and she looks like a rich party girl.

Isaac tells Kenley she’s flying in their faces a bit, and she needs to tweak it a little bit. Mrs. Weinstein says she cut the coat really well, but there might be one too many elements. Sutton Foster wants to wear it in real life, but thinks on stage it will blend rather than pop. UnHeidi doesn’t think she looks rich enough.

Mrs. Weinstein thinks Austin did a great job, as does Sutton. UnHeidi loves the silhouette, but Isaac thinks it borders on too young. He really likes it though, and this is where we get the “Scarlet/Starlet” confrontation we’ve been seeing since the “This Season On” montage in the first episode. It’s much less adversarial than it seems in the previews. Seriously, you could write a book on the misleading way Lifetime cuts their promos – the preview could show Mila chasing one of the other designers with a knife screaming “I want you to die!!!!!” and in the episode, the rest of the sentence would go “….of happiness when you eat a slice of this delicious birthday cake I’ve made you.”

Isaac likes the pieces of Mila’s (seriously? You like that dustrag skirt and mangey coat?), but doesn’t think they work together. Sutton Foster says it borders on “Someone who might walk the streets,” and says it feels gaudy, not wealthy.

Mondo explains his smoking jacket inspiration. Isaac says the model is “so sexy in a crazy passive aggressive way.” And there again we have a new life goal – be “sexy in a crazy passive aggressive way” rather than just “crazy and passive aggressive.”. Mrs. Weinstein loves the layering of the fabrics.

Finally, Kara explains her inspiration. UnHeidi loves the red pop of the skirt, but finds the bow in front bulky. Isaac says it’s the best she’s done, but it needs to go further. Mrs. Weinstein says there are little issues that throw her, like the angle on the skirt slit. UnHeidi thanks them and sends them off.

The judges begin with the favorites, like Michael’s which reminds UnHeidi of the Chiquita Banana Woman. This is apparently a good thing, now. Something that reminds you of Chiquita Banana is a good thing. Sutton Foster says his outfit doesn’t let her know who the character is. Isaac says Mondo’s dress is so gorgeous it could’ve taken 2 weeks. Mrs. Weinstein says you always feel like he knows his woman. They love Austin’s too.

On the bottom, they “go directly to Mila’s look.” “She looks like she uses drugs, this girl,” Isaac says bluntly. Sutton Foster calls it “Pretty Woman…before she gets pretty.” Isaac didn’t like Kara’s, even though he thought it was her best work to date. Mrs. Weinstein says her colors and proportions make it “almost good, but not.” UnHeidi thinks Kenley heard the vintage aspect of the challenge, but not the rich woman aspect. They’ve reached a decision, and call the designers back out. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells Michael he’s safe. Either Mondo or Austin is the winner, and…it’s ….Mondo! Yay! He thanks the judges, and interviews that after last week, the win is so validating. Austin is also in, and assured that it was a tough decision. Kenley is safe too.

So it’s down to Mila and Kara. Mila is a master of geometrics, but didn’t pull it off this time. They’re proud of the way Kara stepped out of her comfort zone, but her construction was off. Mila….is safe. So Kara is out, inevitably. She says she gave all that she had every time. Everyone hugs her and assures her that her kids are proud of her. She says she’s learned how much she’s grown in 5 years, and how much growing she has left.

Next: The United Nations. I’m not a geography major. Are you convinced you can stand out? Why is she still here. It’s disturbing to look at. I get Communism from this dress.

Project Runway All Stars: There's No Truth In The Rumor/ So Make Sure That It Stays...A Love For All Seasons

(five imaginary Jordan Baker points to the first person who can name the embarrassing ‘90s song reference, children)

Oh, Rami Kashou
So big and muscle-y
So long, quiet man.

A few weeks ago when I was in New York, I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for what was essentially the first time (because really, we shouldn’t count that trip when I was 24 and scared of my hostel and walked in, burst into tears, and promptly headed up to Worcester, MA, to see the idiot I was seeing at the time [because "Everyone Gets Laid in Worcester, MA" ™ ). I was wandering around, trying to see all the things featured in From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, and I saw this statue:

…and I thought “hey, remember that one episode of Project Runway where they had to be inspired by things at this museum, and Rami was inspired by this statue to make a draped dress just like every draped dress he’d made that season?”

("That one episode" was apparently four years ago minus one week. I have been doing this shit way too long)

I know I ragged on Rami – consistently – during his season for making the same dress over and over and over again, right down to the detail of the asymmetry always being on the same side (was it left?). And as I was flipping through his gallery this morning prior to writing my little introductory spiel, I realized that he has shown a lot of growth this season. He made two seriously great , really structured outfits – last week and in week one – one dress that was right for the challenge he made it for (Miss Piggy) even if it was a little cray-cray for a normal person, and two dresses and this outfit that, for better or for worse, used his draping skills to involve looser, draped elements against the background of more structured pieces.

All in all, it’s not a bad showing, but when it got down to him versus Austin, I knew he was doomed even though I personally though his look was better. Rami was a favorite in his season of Project Runway. Austin – Austin of the first season and the corn husk dress and the subbing in for the model during the Post Office challenge and the unfair auffing in the Nancy O’Dell challenge – is one of the show’s legends. A favorite doesn’t stand a chance against a legend.

So farewell and best wishes to Rami. I hope he continues to evolve and expand his repertoire, using the elements that make his looks truly him, but in more varied ways than making the same purple draped gown with the left side asymmetry over and over again.

The other event of the episode, clearly, was the whole Jerell versus Michael giant coat showdown. I mean… on the one hand, you’re told to make a Winter sportswear look. Clearly most people are going to make some sort of outerwear as part of that; giant coats are kind of a thing right now. It could just be an honest mistake.

On the other hand…team Jerell all the way. I have always had an uneasy alliance with Michael Costello. I’ve been on his side mostly because he’s Mondo’s friend (and any friend of Mondo’s is a friend of mine. Have I mentioned the time I made paella for Mondo? I have? Sorry about that, rambling on again) and because the people who were against him were led by Wretched Gretchen and her hosebeast sidekick Ivy.

But I also don’t think I’ve made any secret of the fact that I find him and his woe is me antics thoroughly annoying, and his clothes not my thing. And here, he’s not against two rancid bitches. He’s against Jerell, who I find endlessly amusing, even if I don’t always “get” his style. And in this case, Jerell clearly had his coat all but finished and was trying out the sleeve length on Kenley before making the exact same coat even occurred to Michael.

Let’s look at how the whole thing happened, shall we?

Morning at the Flatotel. Mondo jokes about having had a crush on Kenley until she started talking. He loves to push her buttons. They head out to Parsons, where UnHeidi greets them with a bunch of bags. I want the orange one in her right hand. Anyway, she tells them that they’re 8 weekend getaway bags, and each designer gets to pick one.

Since Mondo won last week, he gets to pick first. HE PICKS THE ONE I LOVE. This is yet another sign that we are kindred spirits. Yay! The designers all pick bags and then sit back down. UnHeidi tells them that in their bags, they’ll find a luggage tag with one of the four seasons – so each season will have two designers assigned to it, and they’ll be competing head to head against each other. They have to create sportswear for a weekend getaway during their season. There will be a high scoring outfit and a low scoring one for each season. They’ll have $200 and one day to create their look. They have to think about who their girl is, and where she’s going for her getaway. And they don’t have to use the bags.

Through the magic of television, we’re transported to their workspace at 1407 for 30 minutes to sketch. I often wonder how much of their “day” they use up in being shuttled about from Parsons to the workspace to Mood and back to the workspace. Bussing a number of people and all the camera crap around New York three times a day can’t be an easy task. And you know they can’t just be walking or using public transit, or the spoilers about who’s still in at various points would go wild. Anyway, they sketch. Mila’s girl is a “New Yorker who’s going to Marfa Texas” for an art festival. Austin’s is a New Yorker heading out to a Spring weekend at her country house.

Then it’s off to Mood, for 30 minutes of shopping. Jerell is looking for wool. Michael is trying to shop for multiple plans. Rami’s woman is spending the weekend wine tasting with her best friend. Time! Thank you Mood!

Back to 1407 and down to work. Jerell is starting on his coat. He and Michael are facing off for Winter, and Michael is planning a geometric jacket with a tie.

Mila is designing a(nother) skinny jean, but with a cape this time. Rami, her competition, is not threatened by her design. Mondo is making pants and a top, but he’s not feeling too confident. His competition is Kenley, whose girl is going to Miami for an art festival. These girls go to a lot of art festivals. Mondo feels like Kenley does the same thing over and over.

Jerell sees Michael working on a high backed vest, which doesn’t work out well. Michael scraps that idea because it doesn’t work out. Mondo’s pants aren’t coming out well. Commercial.

Back. The designers are hard at work on their weekend getaway looks. Mondo doesn’t know what he’s doing. He and Kenley both have polka dots. He’s going back and forth between shorts and a mini skirt. Kenley tries Jerell’s jacket on for him to check the sleeve length. Shortly after she does this, Michael starts making the same jacket. Mila thinks that Michael’s copying was not intentional, but happened because he felt lost since he doesn’t do sportswear or Winter. Wait, wha? I understand that some designers do sportswear and some do gowns and so on, but how can you just not do one of the seasons? Even if you’re making essentially the same gowns or whatever, but using deeper, richer colors or slightly heavier fabrics, or making a goddamn wrap to go with them, doesn’t that qualify as “doing” Winter? Do Michael’s clients all go nude from November to March? Do they show up on the red carpet in nothing but their borrowed jewelry, and tell Giuliana Rancic that their dress is a Michael Costello?

Joannathru! She enters and begins with the Spring group, Kara and Austin. Kara’s going for “Palm Beach casual chic” with some high waisted culotte pants. Austin is making high waisted khakis. For summer, Mondo is doing a tribute to his mom’s 60^th birthday, since it’s that day and he can’t be there. So he’s making the outfit his girl is wearing to his mom’s party. He says that though Kenley’s the polka dot queen, he’s the polka dot princess. Joanna’s dying to know who will win the war of the polka dots.

Joanna says the pants are Mila’s “signature piece,” which is the nice way of saying “gurl, you make the same pants every week.” Mila hates the colors in Rami’s look. I kind of do too – he’s using an electric blue and a very acidy green, and I can’t help thinking that they’d probably look great in more expensive fabrics (I literally almost typed “espensive” there. My fingers are developing an accent), but not in stuff you can buy for under $200.

Michael can’t “find” his sketch to show Joanna how his idea for the jacket transpired. Jerell admits to Joanna that the similarities in their looks bother him. Joanna pulls everyone in for a team chat about the whole issue. Kenley knows she tried Jerell’s on early in the process. Joanna asks if it’s wrong to use a better idea if you see someone else doing it. Ultimately, she just says “may the best man win.” Michael isn’t going to change what he’s doing, and thinks the entire thing with the Joanna pow-wow is bullshit.

It’s seven o’clock, and the designers start working frantically. Mila is working on her cape. I haven’t said this yet, but looking at Mila’s sketches throughout the process, I’d wear the hell out of her cape if she pulls it off. I L-O-V-E a good cape – I have a full length camel colored one that was my mom’s in the ‘70s, and Mila’s idea strikes me as a sportier, slightly more versatile version of that.

Michael and Mondo take a break to eat and gossip. Michael thinks people are hating on him because he’s “doing good.” They fall silent when Jerell enters the green room. Mondo says it feels like dinner at his family’s house. “Spaghetti?” Michael asks. “No. Awkward,” Mondo replies. Love him. Michael and Jerell argue. Michael leaves in a pout. “Clearly it’s going to be an interesting runway,” Jerell says. “Clearly,” Mondo replies. Commercial.

Back. Morning of runway. Mila is adding black leather binding to the seams of her cape. She’s definitely sweating it. Rami is accessorizing his look from the wall. He and Jerell talk shit about Michael. Michael says this is a side of Jerell he hasn’t seen before. Ok, Princess Pouty Pants – so it’s fine for you and Mondo to go off and eat spaghetti and talk shit about Jerell, but totally unacceptable and some sort of bad “side” for Jerell and Rami to accessorize and talk shit about you? Grow up.

The models wander in for their fittings, and then rush off to hair and make-up. There’s a new Asian stylist at the L’Oreal salon, and I can’t tell if he has a very severe point on his goatee, or if just looks like he does because of the way he’s standing in front of the L’Oreal sign. Like is that his beard, or the horizontal on the L in L’oreal?

Back to the workroom with five minutes. Jerell gives his picks for the top: Rami, Kara, and Mondo for the other seasons. Presumably, he picks himself for his season. Mondo thinks he has this one in the bag. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi waltzes out and introduces the judges: Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac, and guest judge award winning designer Cynthia Rowley. I love Cynthia Rowley’s sleek bob and precise chin. She’s so WASPtastic.

Time for the show! The Spring looks come out together first. Austin’s is a pair of high waisted khakis with a hiddy pink cardigan. Also, the pants are kind of cropped. They are high waisted and cropped, making them all of my least favorite things about pants rolled into one tidy little khaki package. Kara (left) has made white palazzo pants with a nice fuschia top and a grey swing sweater. It’s much better – it’s not ground breaking style or anything, but a real person could wear it without looking like an escapee from a Connecticut insane asylum.

Next up is Summer. Kenley has made a blue and white polkadot romper. I find it horrible, but I hate onesie rompers for grown women. I can’t imagine wearing something that infantilizing (and also, they would probably really highlight how unbalanced my legs are). Mondo (right) has made tweedy looking shorts with a black and white polka dot top. I love the shorts, though the top is an issue.

Rami’s Fall look is some grey/blue pants with a very bright blue jacket and a green turtleneck peeping out. Mila (left) has made her skinny jeans with a red top and her cape. I still love the idea of Mila’s so much better; Rami may have it on her in execution. I’d still give the win to Mila, though.

Finally it’s Winter. Jerell’s look walks first – a big grey jacket with a cardi and skinny jeans. Love it. Michael (right) has a less impressive grey jacket over a belted sweater and leggings. It’s also good, but less special to me, though Michael thinks his looks like Jackie Kennedy would wear it, while Jerell’s looks like Moses. I do not understand the Moses reference, and I do not think Michael’s outfit would pass muster in my daily “WWJD?” dressing routine. Merely slapping giant sunglasses on a brunette does not make her look Jackie-esque.

The judges start with Spring and Summer, sending fall and winter backstage. They begin with Austin (left). Cynthia says it’s “almost so dorky it’s cool.” Isaac says the look “goes a little moderate” and “a little boring.” Mrs. Weinstein can’t see a modern woman in it, and UnHeidi says it looks “small town going to church.” She thinks Kara’s is wearable and comfortable, but Cynthia Rowley doesn’t see anything original about it. Isaac doesn’t feel it unless the model is running out to the store, but Mrs. Weinstein wouldn’t mind wearing it. She had the higher score for spring, though it was very close.

Cynthia Rowley really likes Kenley’s dorky romper (right). So does Isaac. Mrs. Weinstein says she needs to have lined her fabric up better, and UnHeidi would love to wear it. Cynthia Rowley is confused by the styling and top on Mondo’s, and sighs about the back. Isaac thinks it goes “a little junior,” and Mrs. Weinstein says the short is not as flattering as last week. Isaac says the top is “very Desperately Seeking Susan.” Like this is a bad thing, Isaac? That movie was awesome. Kenley has the high score. Huh.

Mondo cries in the green room, while the judges see the other two seasons. They ask Rami to open the jacket on his. Isaac wishes Rami would get rid of the green in the blouse, and thinks the neckline is sloppy. Cynthia says the diagonal line with the shirring makes the model’s boobs look lopsided. Mrs. Weinstein doesn’t think Mila’s look is exciting, but she sees her in it. Cynthia Rowley finds her look chic and wearable. Yay!

Finally, it’s winter. “These two looks are so similar. How did that come about?” Mrs. Weinstein asks. Jerell explains that they got “struck by the same creative bug…” he just got there a few hours faster than Michael. Michael claims not to have noticed. Isaac thinks Jerell’s coat is gorgeous, but wishes the cardigan didn’t have buttons. Cynthia Rowley loves it and thinks it’s true to his style. Isaac finds Michael’s leggings with shoes “nasty,” and wishes he’d used a boot. Cynthia Rowley says it’s more of an ensemble, and that his model is dressed like Jerell’s model’s mom. And the high score for winter is Jerell. Yay! They send the designers off so they can deliberate.

They begin with the high scores. Cynthia Rowley found Kenley’s confident, and thought it had a lot of impact. Mrs. Weinstein thinks she needs to change up her look a bit more. Isaac didn’t think Mila’s fabric looked expensive at all, and Mrs. Weinstein has some issues with her jeans. UnHeidi loved Jerell’s looks, but Isaac thinks it looked Anthropologie and his buttons were a little jokey. Mrs. Weinstein says Kara’s was “a perfectly ok look,” and Isaac says it has no style at all.

On the flip side… Isaac thought Austin’s pants were the best thing in the show today (srsly?) but everything else was so bad. UnHeidi thinks this is not Mondo’s best look, and Cynthia Rowley hates everything about it. Mrs. Weinstein says it’s a “very good look,” just not as good as last week’s. Rami’s colors make UnHeidi ill. Mrs. Weinstein loves the jacket, but Isaac says it looks like a draping project. Isaac says design is not Michael’s strongest thing; execution of a design is. Cynthia thinks he seems very insecure, and Mrs. Weinstein has no sense of what they’d get in a collection from him.

They’ve reached a decision, and call the designers back out. We cut to commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells Mila and Kara that they’re safe. It’s between Kenley and Jerell for the win. And Jerell, praise Jebus, is the winner. Yayyyy! He thanks them, and says it feels fantastic that the judges could tell “the real McCoy” from “the doppelganger on the runway.” That Jerell throws the word doppelganger around as easily as he throws shade makes me love him all the more.

UnHeidi lets Kenley leave too. Then she tells Michael and Mondo that they’re safe. Aye, dios mio. It’s down to Rami and Austin. Rami’s neckline had too much bulk and his shirt looked like a mistake. Austin’s trousers were impeccable, but the look didn’t push any creative boundaries, and the styling missed the mark.

And Rami is…out. Sigh of relief from Austin before he goes and kisses Rami on both cheeks. He doesn’t hug him, because no one can get their arms around Rami’s bulked up torso. Rami thanks the judges, and says life will go on and the universe will take care of him in its own way. He says All Stars gave him more exposure, and was a great platform to showcase some work.

Next: this week, we’re on Broadway. Don’t look stuck, you can do it. You’ve just got to push yourself. That is a very Kenley print. Broadway!