Project Runway All Stars: A Lotta Gelato

Blueberry April
Halloween Spider Thingy
Chin up; you’re still young.

Good morning, popadoms. How are you all doing? Did anyone else wake up this morning going “HOLY SHIT, WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!!!” whilst their cat screamed the same thing in Siamese meows because you’d left the phone on something strange, and the vibrating sound came across like a World War II air raid happening inches from your head?

No? Well, that’s lucky, then.

Anyway. I was completely crushed by the fact that none of you found the Miss Piggy challenge as utterly charmant as I did (no I wasn’t), and I fully expect to be distrait again this week when you all tell me how banal you found the gelato dress challenge (I won’t).

But I rather liked it. For one thing, I think it was a fun little way to underline the weird places we find inspiration. I actually feel like some of them could’ve done more with that – playing with the idea or the flavor of their gelato rather than just adhering so literally to the color. I realize Kara tried with her dress, and Austin said some things about going “resort” or “tribal” with his Madagascar vanilla, but it translated as more “Grecian goddess dress” than it did Madagascar anything.

And for another… it reminded me of my plan from last year to try and make my beloved croccante all’amarena gelato that I had in Naples and was going to try and replicate. Look at that. I’d totally wear that, wouldn’t you?

I’m ok with the ouster – I liked April a lot during her season, and thought she made huge strides in her time there from that diaper thing to the sophisticated dresses she did later on. But she’s been kind of a nonentity in this season. And I mean honestly, the girl’s 22. She’s got decades left to set the world on fire. It doesn’t all have to happen at once.

The win…I am not so much ok with. I think it was kind of bullshit, actually, to reward that milquetoast dressing gown Michael made, and bypass Mondo’s terrifically chic caftan and Mila’s kicky little dress. But we’ll get to that eventually.

We open at Flatotel where it seems to be the next morning, and everyone is congratulating Michael on his win. He says that this mean’s the pressure’s on him to deliver “something like, amazing? Again?” There are many things I find vaguely endearing about Michael. His tendency to upspeak? Like a thirteen year old girl? Is not one of them.

Cut to…Parsons. UnHeidi meanders out onto the runway and points out that they’re 4 challenges in and have 10 designers remaining. Good for you, UnHeidi. You just showed America that you’re every bit as good at basic math as Actual Ferreals Heidi is. She adds that this challenge is all about taste…in a very literal sense – they have to create an outfit inspired by a gelato flavor. A L’Arte del Gelato cart is there, manned by a kid Jerell refers to as “a gelato slingin’ cherub” (the more he says, the more I want to hang out with him), and they’ll each pick a flavor and get a color swatch to match it.

Michael gets to go first as last week’s winner, and he picks grapefruit. He was hoping for a ruby red, but ended up with a pale pink. He picks Mondo to go next, and Mondo selects canteloupe and gets a bright, vibrant orange. Mondo tags Mila to go third, and she picks milk and sour cherries, which is white with red spots and makes me yearn for the croccante all’amarena gelato at Fantasia Gelati in Naples. Next up is April, who lands a deep purpley blue with her selection of blueberry. Jerell boldly selects fruit of forrest and is rewarded with deep red. Kenley gets passion fruit and… I miss what color it is. Austin takes vanilla Madagascar, which, naturally, is white. Anthony selects green tea and gets minty green. Rami also gets green with his selection of kiwi, and Kara is stuck with chocolate with cayenne pepper, and its accompanying brown – the only reason anyone would ever complain about being “stuck” with chocolate and cayenne.

I’m a little disappointed that these are all fairly fruity, sorbet-esque flavors, and not more traditional gelato flavors. I’d love to have seen one of them have to design based on stracciatella, or gianduja.

UnHeidi then introduces their guest judge for the week, Diane von Furstenberg. She enters on her fabulous sexagenarian legs, wearing an awesome dress that swings like a cape, and greets the designers, and tells them they’ll only have 6 hours for the challenge. It’s the fastest challenge in Project Runway HISTORY!! She tells them “just go for it! And good luck.”

UnHeidi tells them she’ll see them on the runway in 6 hours time, and shunts them off to their workspace for 30 minutes of sketching. Michael is doing an “oversized silky draped dress with ruched sleeves.” Kenley is not going to try anything new or take major risks.

They have 30 minutes to shop at “mini Mood” which has been set up in their lounge. April has to replan quickly because Mini Mood has no black jersey. Kara is making her dress about the spiciness of the flavor rather than the color of the chocolate. Mondo doesn’t manage his time well, and doesn’t buy as much fabric as he’d like.

Five hours left. Everyone is stressing, but Michael is apparently almost done, because he has clients who sometimes need things in 45 minutes. Jerell calls Michael’s dress “a six way stretch choir robe with two seams…so easy a chimpanZEE could do it.”

Austin is going with a beachy/tribal look for his Madagascar vanilla. Kara is focusing on her color palate. April has Willy Wonka in her head, and the scene where Violet turns into a giant blueberry. Everyone is giggling and going slightly bonkers from the stress. Mila is doing something entirely without black.

And then…Michael comes up with his fabric 8 and a half inches shorter on one side because of a measuring error. Kara is having a “Make it Work” moment and sewing as though this is the last thing she’ll sew in her life. Anthony wishes he had a cocktail right now. Austin doesn’t know how they’re going to pull it off. “I hate this” he mutters in caption. Commercial.

Back. The designers are still sewing frantically, and Joanna Coles enters for her Joanna thru. She’s brought them all their gelato flavors as a snack to keep their energy up. She asks April how she can have a fashion moment if she’s staying in her comfort zone. Next, she wonders how Mondo is going to accessorize his cantaloupe dress, and they run through some options. She also wonders if Rami is “sucking up to Diane Von Furstenberg” by making a wrap skirt. She asks Michael what his secret is to working so fast, and seems skeptical when he says nothing is glued. Then she exits.

The models enter for their fitting. Austin is gluing his dress with a glue gun, and he’s ashamed to admit it. Mila doesn’t get “Passion Fruit” from Kenley’s dress, and thinks Rami’s is of questionable taste and looks like a lime explosion. Anthony thinks Mondo’s is a caftan that he could’ve designed in college. April needs to add triangle panels, and is running out of fabric.

The models take off with three hours and ten minutes remaining. Anthony has changed his design to “a more flirty, fuller, moving skirt.” Mila worries about her fabric being so sheer that you can see “all the parts.” Austin resists getting into an altercation with Kara over a sewing machine, but does give her “the look of death.” Commercial.

Back. Two hours and change remaining. Everyone’s frantic. The models come back in for another fitting. Jerell thinks Mondo’s dress “really embodies the feel of cantaloupe.” They do some accessorizing at the Neiman Marcus accessory wall. One hour. The models get shipped off to product placement land with the hair and makeup team.

Twenty nine minutes and change. April is nervous about how short her dress is. Kara’s proportions are off, and Jerell says she’s turned her skinny model into “a pregnant cupcake.” Austin sews his model into the dress because there’s no time to do a zipper. The hem of April’s dress isn’t symmetrical. Time! Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi wiggles out onto the runway and welcomes them back. She introduces the judges – Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac Mizrahi, Diane Von Furstenberg, and Miranda Kerr. Miranda will be wearing the winning designer’s look to an industry event.

Show. We open with Mondo’s cantaloupe caftan, which I adore. It’s just striking and crazy and beautiful. Next up is Anthony’s Green Tea party confection in two shades of green. Kenley’s Passion Fruit is cute – I’d totally wear it – but it’s not at all extraordinary. It’s clothes, not fashion.

Rami’s kiwi dress is shiny and cheap looking. The top is a straight mess that looks held together with tape. Mila’s sour cherry is another one I love, a drapey mini shirt dress. Jerell’s fruits of the forest (right) is zany fun. It could be worn by a celebrity on holiday or a courtesan in Game of Thrones (I realize I’ve been consistently alone when I’ve liked Jerell’s insane dresses so far, but I’m ok with that).

Kara’s dress is tiered colors…I like the concept, but the waist is too short. She looks like one of the puff ball toys my cat plays with. Michael has made a grapefruit pink satin dressing gown. It is very Norma Desmond, and kind of a yawn. April’s blueberry dress is a short, very ordinary party dress. The hem is short in front, but soooooo short in back that it’s nearly showing her model’s biiiiiidness. Austin’s Madagascar vanilla is a cute but not extraordinary Grecian thing in off white.

UnHeidi calls Austin, Rami, Jerell, and Kenley. They’re safe. Everyone else is in the top or bottom. UnHeidi hauls out the models.

They begin the critique with Kara, who talks about the layers of her dress representing layers of flavor. Mrs. Weinstein says she’s passionate when she talks, and wishes she was more passionate in the clothes. Miranda Kerr doesn’t like the ruffles, and DVF says it’s not flattering, but Mrs. Weinstein likes the back detail.

Anthony says his inspiration was the gelato melting. UnHeidi says he went too conceptual with his design, and it got messy. DVF loves the skirt and the concept. Mrs. Weinstein doesn’t like the back panels, and Miranda Kerr agrees.

Mila wanted to evoke the color contrast in her gelato. Isaac thinks it says cherry ice cream so clearly, and UnHeidi likes the lines and layers. DVF says it looks like it was done in little time. Miranda Kerr says it looks easy to wear, and she really likes it.

Michael wanted to do something beautiful. Isaac loves the dress, but isn’t mad about the color since there’s no tartness to it. Similarly, Mrs. Weinstein isn’t getting grapefruit. DVF thinks it’s beautiful and very fluid, and tells him to call her after the show. Michael’s jaw dropped. Mine would too.

April wanted to create something light, like the taste of the gelato. Mrs. Weinstein thinks the corseting was too ambitious. Isaac says it makes an impact from a distance, but the back is “really scary.” DVF says parts are very nice and others are a little bit “Halloween Spider thing.” UnHeidi thinks that her ideas are good, but don’t translate. They have her take the belt off and it reads better to them.

Mondo explains his rind sleeves and melon body. DVF thinks it’s great and Miranda Kerr says the back is to die for. Mrs. Weinstein thinks it works, and UnHeidi loves that it’s a caftan that really flatters the figure, but she doesn’t like the bright orange. Isaac wishes there was more of her body on immediate impact.

The designers are sent off so the judges can deliberate. They begin with the low scores. Anthony was ambitious, but his final product looked amateur. Kara’s explanation was great, but her interpretation was very literal. April’s dress was fresh and youthful, but it looked like “a little piece of Halloween.”

On the top, we have Michael, who’s dress was floaty and timeless, but Isaac thinks it’s “too on the nose.” Mila’s dress was wearable, but the styling was a bit heavy. It was Isaac’s favorite, but none of the ladies agree. They like the color and back detail on Mondo’s and UnHeidi liked the literal element of the sleeves, but Isaac didn’t find it sexy and didn’t like the bright orange, which is hilarious because what is Isaac wearing? A bright orange shirt.

They seem to come down to Michael and Mondo, and Isaac thinks they’re both “award winning thoughts.” They reach a decision. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells Mila she’s safe. And the winner is… Michael. Oh, fuck that noise. He invites Miranda Kerr to wear the dress in Palm Springs, which is the only place that old-ass piece of non-design would ever be even remotely appropriate. Ulch. Mondo is told how close it was, and that all of the girls wanted to wear it. So now he can focus his hatred on Isaac, since Isaac is the one who apparently torpedoed his on the basis of not liking the color (that he was wearing) and not showing enough skin (so they gave it to Michael, who made another long, long sleeved dress, but put his deep V in the front rather than the back).

Anthony is safe. So it’s down to Kara and April for the ouster. April’s dress was poorly constructed and she needs to learn to move on when things aren’t working. Kara is a passionate designer, but there was no passion in the dress, and they couldn’t get past the maternity look.

Kara is…safe. Phew. I love them both, but I love Kara more. The judges tell April she has amazing potential, and that she wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t an All Star. She’s looking at the opportunity as an experience to grow, and isn’t going to give up. She’s fucking 22, for chrissakes, so it’s not like she’s out of time.

Next! Find a muse to inspire a fashion forward look. Hold it a second. Can I ask you guys a question. I think you’re gorgeous. I need those shorts right off your back. It’s so insane that she’s like in everybody’s business. She looks like someone that should be in The Lion Thing.

Top Chef:Take a Ride To My Block (Party), That's Right

Poor Ponytail Chris
Chicken salad sandwich? Out.
It’s about damn time.

Seriously, darlings, it’s like all my dreams for this show have come true in the last few weeks. First sniffling Beverly, now stupid Chris and his stupid ponytail. If only this didn’t mean that one of them would be guaranteed to be one step away from cooking their way back into the final four, I’d be happy as a clam.

The challenge itself seemed like kind of a throwaway, didn’t it? I mean, a picnic challenge where they’re going to make really basic food this late in the game? It seems like a total waste – we started off with chili and now that we’ve whittled our way down to six, we’re getting elegant, delicious, complex food like…meatballs and chicken salad sandwiches.

Anyway. On a related but not really note? I finally – FINALLY – got to eat at Perilla this weekend, satisfying a dream of many years and noshing down on Harold Dieterle’s food (sadly, I didn’t get the chance to nosh on Harold, but ah well. If all our dreams came true, we’d have nothing left to aspire toward). It was a terrific experience, and I tried to take pictures for you, but it was too dark (and I have enough qualms about being “that guy” taking pictures of my food – I’m not about to be “that guy” using a flash to do so. Also, I only had my phone with me).

If I had to do a side-by-side comparison, I’d probably rank it just below Woodfire Grill (my only other fine dining Top Chef experience to date), but that’s a tough call, and it’s swayed by a few things: 1) I ordered off the 3 course Restaurant Week menu at Perilla, so there were less chances to “wow” me than Woodfire did with the 4 course tasting menu (similarly, I dined alone at Perilla, so I didn’t get to taste anyone else’s dishes, which also resulted in fewer chances to impress). 2) I had the chicken at Perilla, which was delicious, but I’m never going to love a chicken dish as much as a pork dish. If I could, it might’ve been this one, because it was amazingly juicy and the SKIN. The skin was brilliant. It was so incredibly flavorful. 3) Woodfire’s pastry chef is MUCH STRONGER – I had Perilla’s Vanilla Bean Bread Pudding, which had nice flavors, but was dry as hell.

But honestly? My starter at Perilla was the Founder’s Sweet Potato Soup, and – this will sound like hyperbole, but – that soup was transcendent. I would pay the $35 Restaurant Week charge for that soup alone. Yep. I said it. $35 for soup. And I am poor. And it would be totally, totally worth it. (I also had the Perilla 75 cocktail before dinner, and that was quite delicious).

And now…let’s step away from this discussion of Top Chefs of yore and get back to last night’s episode, which didn’t involve any delicious cocktails, or transcendent soups, or Harold. Sigh. And which, for some reason, the Bravo interns have yet to post ANY photographs from. I hate you, interns. I hate you so hard.

Night in the stew room. The chefs are talking about Beverly. Grayson says she’ll miss Beverly, but no one else probably will. Ed does some sort of “I’m Beverly, here’s your halibut” thing where he throws the “halibut” over his shoulder. Yeah, it’s really terrible the way that mean, horrible Heather has poisoned the chefs so thoroughly against Bev. Because the fact that no one but Grayson likes Bev is totally Heather’s doing, and can’t be at all related to the impression that Beverly created herself in the weeks she’s spent with these people since Heather was ousted.

Anyway, Charlize Theron comes back to the stew room and thanks them for cooking for her, and geeks out about the show a little, which is so classy and so adorable. Go Charlize. I suddenly like you a lot more.

We cut to the next morning at the chef house. Grayson knows she needs to step it up with this challenge. They head to the kitchen, where they see Padma, Emeril, and Cat Cora who apparently has nothing better to do now than be on all the Top Chefs? She was just on Just Desserts in the fall. Oh, she has a new show on Bravo. That explains it. Is she still even on Iron Chef America, or have they created so many Iron Chefs through all the Next Iron Chef iterations that she’s been rendered altogether superfluous? And is there another lady Iron Chef yet? I stopped watching the Superstar season after Chuck Hughes was eliminated.

Anyway, Padma divides the chefs into 3 teams of two: Ponytail Chris/Grayson, Ed/Paul, and Lindsay/Sarah. Paul feels like he and Ed are bad luck – every time they’ve been paired together on a challenge, they’ve lost. Interesting – they’re both so strong normally. It must be a case of two great tastes that do not taste great together, like … bacon and absinthe? Blood orange and Brussels sprouts? I don’t know. Everything I can think of ends up sounding like something I’d like.

The challenge is a modified version of the mise en place race: the chefs have 40 minutes to prep 2 pounds of shrimp, a crate of corn, and make a pound of perfect fettuccini. When they’re done with the judges’ approval, they’ll have the remaining time to cook. There’s no immunity, but the winning team gets $10,000.

Food frenzy. The teams split up the tasks, and Lindsay is first to finish a task: her shrimp. Grayson talks and annoys everyone. Ponytail Chris J. says something idiotic about “fast is slow and slow is smooth.” He thinks he’s finished his corn, but has left some on the cobs and has to redo it and call to be rechecked. Eventually, he gets approved to move on. Grayson overworks their pasta. Sarah’s pasta gets passed, so that’s two tasks for the red team, one for the green team, and one for white. White gets pasta. Green is now way behind. Red finishes corn and goes to cook.

Sarah feels really good about being so far ahead of the others. Ponytail Chris finishes their shrimp. White finishes their shrimp, and gets to cook. Finally, Grayson’s pasta is finished. Five minutes left. One minute. Sarah and Lindsay are high fiving. Everyone else works down to the last second. Paul and Ed have no shrimp on their plates.

The judges begin tasting with Grayson and Ponytail Chris’s Fettuccini, Toasted Corn, Poached Shrimp, Chili Bacon and Rosemary. Sarah and Lindsay have made Fettuccini With Corn Milk, Shrimp, Taragon and Parsley. And Ed and Paul’s dish is a shrimpless thing that can’t win because they missed an element. Commercial.

Back. Emeril says the challenge was a lot of fun to watch. Cat liked the idea of the corn milk in Sarah and Lindsay’s dish, but wouldn’t have used the tarragon. Emeril loved how Grayson and Ponytail Chris loved the chili with the shrimp, but Cat would’ve handled the bacon differently. And the winning team is… the green team! Yay! I love this – I like Grayson, even though I hate Ponytail Chris, and it’s always nice to see smug people like Sarah and Lindsay lose.

Padma says that for their elimination, they’ll be cooking AGAINST their teammate. Healthy Choice and their Child Hunger Ends Here initiative are sponsoring an event – the chefs will be serving 200 people at a block party, cooking against their opponent by making a version of the same dish. The diners will vote, and the chefs with the least votes will face elimination. They’ll only have 2 hours to cook.

The chefs debate what to make. Paul and Ed are having an “Asian Showdown,” making some sort of traditional barbecued meat. Ponytail Chris can’t come up with anything better than Grayson’s suggestion of chicken salad sandwich, so they go with that. And Sarah and Lindsay are doing meatballs. Padma cautions them that those dishes sound a little on the heavy side… so because this is a Healthy Choice Café Steamers challenge, they’ll have to make lighter versions of those dishes. The winner will get $15,000.

The chefs trundle off to central market with 40 minutes and a budget of $600 (I had a typo at the top of that sentence so it originally read “The chers” rather than “The chefs.” Think how much more awesome it would be if they had to cook whilst all dressed up like Cher and doing Cher impersonations. The challenges can all be Cher themed -- "Do You Believe in Life After Lunch?" "If I Could Turn Back Thyme" and so forth. Yeah. I'd watch that). Lindsay is using lamb and veal to make her meatballs. Sarah is using turkey. Already Sarah loses in my book, but she smugly thinks that her choice is healthier than Lindsay’s. Grayson has a guy running after chickens for her. Ponytail Chris notices that Grayson has dark meat and mayo in her basket, and he’s avoiding those since he’s trying to be healthy.

The next morning. Paul and Ed haven’t slept much, but they remind each other “just do better than the chicken salad, and you’re safe.”

They show up at the CIA (not that one) with 2.5 hours to cook for 200 people. Ponytail Chris is making tofu mayonnaise. Burf. He says he’s tricked people into thinking it is mayo in the past. Lindsay is stressed and wearing a jaunty cap. Ed is making kimchi and chipotle puree to use in place of ketchup. Paul is using turkey in his kalbi sam (Korean lettuce wrap). Neither he nor Ed have ever been to a block party.

Five minutes remaining. Ponytail Chris is making sandwiches, and Grayson still hasn’t mixed her chicken. A chair gets in Ponytail Chris’s way, and he throws it. Fucking chair, playing dirty and trying to sabotage Ponytail Chris! Commercial.

Back. The chefs race around some sort of Healthy Choice branded picnic ground with 45 minutes to get ready. There are bees everywhere, apparently. Ponytail Chris thinks Grayson is taking a risk doing everything to order. Paul thinks Ed will be in the weeds because he’s making bread for 200 from scratch. Time!

The diners enter and donate food to the San Antonio Food Bank before heading off to the tables. There’s some delightful smack talk between the chefs as the diners get their food. Ed has set up his station as serve-yourself. It seems a bit hectic. Grayson gets backed up because of her make-to-order plan. Ponytail Chris starts freaking out about bees, because he swells up when he gets “bit” by them. The bees basically terrorize him away from his station. Conspiracy! The bees and the chairs have teamed together to ruin Chris’s service! (If this happened to Beverly, we’d be told – tearfully – that the bees and chairs had been turned against her by Heather)

The judges enter and are greeted by Ryan Scott from Season 4. Aw, remember him, with the cuteness and the parents who forced him into child labor? He’s some sort of “Healthy Choice Flavor Ambassador” now. Because that’s a thing. I wonder if he has diplomatic summits with Kelly Kiloren Bensimon in her capacity as Ambassador of Wool. Anyway, the judges make a donation, then head to the stations, where Padma introduces guest diner Dana Cowin. I feel like this is the second or third time lately where they’ve dragged Dana Cowin as a “guest diner” without letting her really judge anything. Wonder who she pissed off. Paul introduces his Turkey Kalbi, Eggplant with White Peach Kimchi. Next up is Ed’s Open Faced Kalbi, Kimchi Chipotle Puree, Pickled Cucumber and Daikon.

Emeril thinks Paul was brilliant to use turkey. Cora says he did the right things to build flavor versus fat, however Padma says Ed’s dish was hard and dry.

Next up is team chicken salad, with Grayson’s Chicken Salad Sandwich with Arugula, Pickled Red Onion, Watermelon Feta Salad with Pumpkin Seeds and Ponytail Chris’s Chicken Salad Sandwich with Tofu “Mayo,” Watermelon Fruit Salad with Pineapple Ice. Emeril is taken aback that they chose chicken salad, but likes that Grayson did hers to order. Dana says it didn’t have a whole lot of flavor. Tom thinks Ponytail Chris’s tofu idea was great, but the bread is drying out. Padma thought his watermelon salad was more flavorful, but Cat calls it “dry ice.”

Finally we have the meatball girls. Sarah introduces her Calabrese Style Turkey Meatball and Vegetable Salad, and Lindsay talks about her Mediterranean Meatball, Lemon Yogurt, Black Eyed Peas and Quinoa Salad. Emeril loves the sauce on Sarah’s and Tom loves the salad, though Dana does not. Cat loves the crunch of pita in Lindsay’s salad, and Tom loves the flavor in her meatball. Dana says she’s actually been “healthy, tasty, and original.” We see the diners voting.

Dana says that the two healthiest dishes they had today were the best ones they ate. Padma is interested to see what the guests prefer. Ed is worried that he’s going to have to defend himself. Commercial.

Fakeback. Paul has lucky socks or something. Hi-larious.

Back. The chefs are in the stew room, talking about what a tough day it’s been and how cool it was that Dana Cowin was there. Padma enters and calls in Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay.

Padma tells them that they got voted the winners of their head to head battles. Emeril thought Paul’s dish was perfect, and Tom says he should bottle his hot sauce. Cat Cora compliments Grayson’s made to order technique. Tom calls Grayson out for making a chicken salad sandwich against “potentially more exciting” dishes. “Like a meatball?” she says pointedly. ZING. Good job, lady. Anyway, moving along, Emeril loved the lemon aspect, and thought Lindsay’s meatball was seasoned “perfect,” and Cat Cora thought it was phenomenal.

And the winner is… Paul! Yayyyyyy! He gets another $15,000. Seriously, Paul wins all the money. Padma asks them to send back their colleagues.

The other three chefs congratulate Paul and then truck back to the table room. Grayson feels like she got brutalized, and feels like she should be in with the losers.

Padma tells the others they all lost their head to head battles, and one will be going home. Padma calls Ed out for replacing the empty calories in rice with the empty calories in bread. Tom says trimming the fat on the shortribs was a mistake.

Tom admits he thought Ponytail Chris’s choices were healthier than Grayson’s, but the bread dried out because he made them ahead of time. Emeril’s watermelon had ice in it.

Cat didn’t taste the apricot in Sarah’s, and thought she could’ve lost the cheese. Tom tells her about the inconsistency with Dana getting shorted on her salad.

They get sent back. Padma says she felt for them in the conditions. Tom said Sarah lost out because she went up against Lindsay’s exceptional meatball. Emeril says that Ponytail Chris’s chicken salad was dry, his bread was dry, and the tofu emulsion leeched flavor out. Tom says that Ponytail Chris is all ideas and no execution. The more they talk about Chris’s dish, the worse they make it sound – they started off at the party making it seem better than Grayson’s, and now that he’s been voted in the bottom it was DRY and AWFUL and the tofu SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF IT. To wrap things up, Cat hated Ed’s dish, and Tom thought his excuses were bullshit. Argh. I do not want Ed to go home. Commercial.

At some point, they roll the names of the chefs you can vote for for fan Favorite across the screen, and I notice Andrew. There was an Andrew this season? Really? I have no memory of him. Oh, this one. Ok. No wonder I don’t remember him.

Back. Tom tells Sarah that she went up against a tougher opponent; Ponytail Chris made an unhealthy choice in letting his sandwiches sit in the sun; and Ed missed the mark in just cutting fat off his dish.

Padma tells... Ponytail Chris to pack his knives and go! Hallelujah! I was convinced it was going to be Ed. Ponytail Chris says he made stupid mistakes and will miss being there.

Grayson feels like him going home is her fault for suggesting chicken salad. Ed says it should’ve been him. Ponytail Chris feels like he’s learned a lot from a lot of great chefs. He’s happy he stayed true to himself as “the crazy creative chef.”

Next: PEE WEE HERMAN!!! We’re like a biker gang! Time is ticking away and I have to walk out. Grayson’s following me around. That’s not cool, especially in an elimination challenge. Guilty!

And in the Last Chance Kitchen… Ponytail Chris meets up with Beverly in Battle “They’re Both Awful So There Are No Winners Here” to do a classic Top Chef Mystery Box Challenge. The hilarious part happens before the even challenge when Ponytail Chris goes down to the house kitchen and waits there for ten minutes before realizing the note was summoning him to the Top Chef kitchen. The second hilarious part happens when he chokes up at seeing Richie for the first time in weeks. Anyway, their initial ingredients are marshmallows, pine nuts, parsnips, cinnamon, buttermilk and lamb chops. The second box has radicchio, and the third has white anchovies. Ultimately Beverly’s Grilled Lamb Chop with Parsnips, Curry Radicchio, and White Anchovy Vinaigrette beats Ponytail Chris’s Grilled Lamb Chop with a Sweet Puree, Radicchio Salad with Pancetta, Pine Nuts and Apple. She has one more chef to beat to get back on the show. Ugh.

Project Runway All Stars: This Little Piggy Went to Parsons

Goodbye, Gordana
No Heidi to blame this time
Just a pig nightgown

And there went another person whose All Star status raised a few eyebrows. Sure, she made it to nearly the end of her season, but do you remember that season? It was awful!

I’ve never been a big Gordana fan – I’ve always thought that most of her clothes looked like they were made for a clientele comprised largely of Eastern European hookers – and while I did think Heidi was really mean and unfair to her during her own season, there’s clearly none of that going on here. The three looks she’s made were variously cheap looking and – an even worse sin – forgettable. She just couldn’t stand up against this stronger field.

The challenge itself was fun – I can’t even imagine how much I’d lose it if I got to meet Miss Piggy – but I kind of wish they’d done a bit more with it. It felt a little bit flat in some parts, and really, when it comes right down to it, that could’ve been fixed with one thing: more Muppet.

Let’s just go to this, shall we? I’m still in a Nyquil fog, so I’m not thinking clearly enough to write a coherent introduction.

We open at Parsons, where the UnHeidi greets the designers from the runway. She tells them that this week they’ll be creating a flamboyant cocktail dress “for one of the most famous fashionistas in the world.” She lists off the labels that have designed exclusively for the lady in question… and it’s Miss Piggy.

Kenley thinks her nieces will flip, and April thinks it’s awesome. UnHeidi tells them that they’ll be making her a dress to wear while she promotes her new movie The Muppets. This is where you see the seams on this season start to show – it was supposed to launch back in November, when The Muppets still would’ve been a current release. And I had at least hoped that the delay would mean we’d see a picture of Piggy wearing the winning dress, but alas.

Anyway. They’ll design on their models, and the winning dress will be modified for Piggy, who will be the guest judge. Michael C says this is his dream client. They have $150 and the rest of the day to get it together.

Back at the 1407 workspace, they have 30 minutes to sketch. Mila is going for a sixties Mod look. Kenley says Miss Piggy reminds her of herself, and April likes that she has a va-va-voom about her. Michael C. says that he and his 7 year old son love the Muppet Babies.

And it’s off to Mood with 30 minutes to shop. Austin is working with a “pink bow concept.” Gordana notices a lot people buying black, and she and Austin are going for pink. Time! They head out. “Alright Mood. I’ma holler atcha,” Anthony says.

Back in the workroom. Gordana is creating a “youthful, free flowing” outfit that will show “the feminine side of za vuhman.” Or of za pig, as it were. Mondo thinks her dress is beautiful, but too quiet for this challenge.

Then Mondo and Kara fight over a pair of gloves from the accessory wall. Mondo gives them up to her, but he’s really pissed off. Oh, show, don’t make me choose between them! They’re two of my favorites. Commercial.

Back. Austin can’t wate to meet Miss Piggy in person (or in pig, as it were). Mila has mixed feelings about the challenge: she loves the Muppets but wonders about adapting her aesthetic to Miss Piggy. Kara wants to sex Miss Piggy up a bit. Rami is making a flirty and colorful dress – I love the hell out of his fabric – but Michael C. thinks he’s being too safe. Anthony thinks Miss Piggy is a lady, so his dress will be perfect because his motto is “being a lady is never out of style.”

April is focusing and refusing to speak with people. Kenley is incorporating her retro style with an animal print. She and Kara talk about animal print as Mila looks on disapprovingly – Mila doesn’t need weak things like encouragement or friendship or conversation.

Joanna Coles enters and begins her Joanna-thru with Gordana, who wants to show off Miss Piggy’s legs. Joanna’s getting “a bit of a nightgown vibe” from the dress, which … now that she’s said it, I can’t unsee it. It’s the fabric and the neckline. She tells Gordana that “comfort, when you’re dressing a mega-celebrity like Miss Piggy, shouldn’t matter.” You know why else, comfort shouldn’t matter, folks? She’s a Muppet. What should matter is if her skirt can be adapted to cover the dude with his hand up her ass.

She likes the detailing on Mila’s dress, but reminds her to take Piggy’s “two big ears” into account if she goes forward with her headband plan. Austin thinks Mila’s dress is too severe. Joanna asks Kenley how a pig would feel about wearing a giraffe print, and Kenley points out that she wears a lot of leopard.

Austin tells Joanna that “as long as I can remember” Miss Piggy has been an inspiration to him. Oh, Jesus take the wheel. Joanna’s a bit concerned that his bow-effect dress may look like she’s giftwrapped. She tells Mondo to keep his focus – I love his fabric too. Joanna takes her leave of them, adjuring them “don’t disappoint Miss Piggy.” It's like Tim's "don't bore Nina," but with more felt.

The models arrive with an hour left to the end of the day. Anthony thinks Michael’s design looks very amateur, and can’t deal with the “bubbles on the boobs.” Gordana has stuck with her nightgown plan.

Five minutes left. Mondo thinks his dress looks heavy and overthought. He’s really going to have to hustle tomorrow. Kara and Kenley discuss things again, which makes Mila say they’re becoming “quite codependent, actually.” Holy cow, you sour monster. They speak to each other. It’s not a like they’re weeping on each other’s shoulders, holding each other up. Commercial.

Back. That night at Flatotel, Rami, Kenley, and Kara are laughing. Don’t do it, guys – Mila will kill you.

The next morning, they head back to their workspace. Rami thinks all of the dresses are interesting and unique. Austin is nervous about the amount of work he still has left. Michael C. thinks Austin will be going home for this challenge. Anthony almost ate bacon that morning.

The models arrive for the fitting. Austin has apparently lifted all the accessories Kara had in mind. She gets them back and he says she’s stealing her accessories. Kenley feels confident that she’ll win, but April says her dress is exactly like the ones she’s done, but in giraffe print.

Hair and makeup flurry, and then back down to the workroom. Jerrel says Miss Piggy’s “bacon’s gonna sizzle when she sees my look.” Everyone is all manner of amped about meeting Miss Piggy, which honestly? I love, because I’d feel the same way in their shoes. “It’s time to get things started for Miss Piggy’s dress tonight,” Austin says. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi welcomes them to the runway and says something ridiculous about how the line “one day you’re in and the next you’re out” has never been more true than on All Stars. I feel like RealHeidi said that at one point too, and I was equally ticked off with that. It’s never “more true” than it is other days. One day you’re in, the next you’re out. It’s just true. It’s not more true or less true (except during the weeks they don’t eliminate anyone, when it’s patently false), it’s just the rule of the game.

She introduces the judges – Mrs. Weinstein, Costume Designer Eric Daman, and “International Superstar Miss Piggy.”

Show. Michael C. has interpreted “flamboyant cocktail dress” as “Vegas cocktail waitress costume.” It is cheap, cheap, cheap, and gaudy, gaudy, gaudy. April has made a LBD with what she calls a “Tim Burton Feel” to it Jerell’s dress is a pink thing with a mullet skirt and fluffy epaulettes. Kara’s is a tragic black hooker costume with cut outs below the boobs.

Kenley has made a typical party dress in her pink giraffe print – it’s cute, but she’s paired it with a ridiculous hat. Anthony has made a nice black dress with a mullet skirt and some sheer insets

Rami’s dress is a white flamenco feel number with pink and orange spots. Mila has made a very basic mod mini dress – I like it, but it’s nothing special, and she says she could see it on a lot of “Hollywood A listers on the red carpet.” Which is…nice, I suppose, but your challenge was to design for Miss Piggy, not some Hollywood starlet at an event. Gordana has made a pink nightgown for Carol Brady.

Austin’s is a grey dress with pink touches and hip bows. I hate it, and now I worry that Michael will have been right. We finish with Mondo’s, a pink metallic look mini dress. I’m kind of sad that this is the end result of a fabric I really liked being worked on by a designer I love – it does, as he noted at half time, look heavy and motionless.

The designers file onto the runway. UnHeidi calls Austin, Rami, Gordana, Kenley, Mila, and Michael. They’re the top and bottom. Everyone else is safe.

The judges begin with Austin’s dress. Georgina says it’s beautifully constructed but it’s “not reading very happy right now.” Daman says the bows will accentuate Piggy’s hips in a way they don’t need to be accentuated. Piggy gives him a dirty look. Piggy isn’t “really sure if the dress is functional,” and questions whether she could hula-hoop in it. Austin says the bows would keep the hula hoop up.

Rami says he gravitated toward his fabric because it was festive. UnHeidi says it would be a difficult dress for the average woman to wear. “But I’m not average,” Piggy growls. Eric thinks he had a lot of fun and came up with a fun dress that’s “Parisian Hog Couture.” Piggy says it’s the “most garish, outlandish, ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. I love it!”

Gordana begins by saying Piggy has made her children very happy. UnHeidi thinks her dress is very pretty, but too understated for a film premiere. Georgina says the dress doesn’t fit the styling, and Piggy says it’s a “fine fine dress” but she doesn’t know if “it’s moi.”

Georgina tells Michael he took the project in “a slightly more sophisticated direction.” For real? Well, I suppose Vegas cocktail waitresses are a bit more adult than the average Muppet fan. Piggy loves it, and the fact that it looks like “a present for Kermie.”

Mila explains the “Hollywood it girl streamlined direction,” she took, and UnHeidi asks her where the “flamboyant” comes in. Georgina says color would photograph better on the red carpet. Piggy loves that it’s retro, but it doesn’t scream Miss Piggy. It whispers it.

Kenley says she wanted the dress to demand attention. Georgina says the color’s great, but she’s concerned about the construction of the top, which looks “stuck down.” Overall, though, she thinks it’s great. Eric says it’s cute and whimsical, and he thinks the hat is great, and would be perfect to mask Miss Piggy’s ears. Piggy gets offended, but she does love the hat, which she could use to clean her pots and pans after a big night on the town.

The designers are sent off so the judges can deliberate. Austin’s dress was flamboyant, but not in a classy way (and yet Michael’s was??? I don’t understand the logic operating here). Eric thought it was ‘90s Gauthier redux, and that it would’ve worked for Pigs In Space. Piggy is hung up on the bows on the side. Piggy thought Mila’s was retro, but also a little Goth. Georgina says that Mila thought about her own collection, but not the client or the challenge. Piggy says Gordana’s dress “just kind of sat there for moi,” and Georgina says it wouldn’t flatter Piggy’s curves.

They liked Kenley’s dress, though Eric found the construction troublesome. Piggy wonders what giraffe “says.” Piggy likes that Rami’s dress says “Hellooooo, look at meeeeee!” Georgina thought he did a great job in this context. Georgina can imagine a million girls loving Michael’s dress. Piggy says she doesn’t normally wear leather. Eric picks on Piggy’s ears again, and she karate chops him. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells them they brought humor and style to the project. Kenley is safe. So it’s either Rami or Michael for the win. I can’t believe this. Piggy announces that the winning designer is someone who made a fabulous dress for a fabulous model….and it’s …wait for it….Michael.

You’re kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me. He’s very excited to have won. But seriously...that thing? THAT thing?

Sigh.

Rami is safe. Austin is safe. So it’s Mila or Gordana. Gordana made a really pretty dress…and that’s the problem – she didn’t push the envelope. They appreciate Mila being true to her point of view but she didn’t celebrate her client.

And Mila is…safe. So Gordana is out. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. Piggy reminds her that she really is an All Star. The one thing Gordana wants to say to women her age is that it’s never too late to follow your own dream, whatever it might be.

Next: Please welcome Diane Von Furstenberg! You only have 6 hours! This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. I’m just sewing and running. Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr. There was no passion in this dress.

Top Chef: Something Wicked This Way Noms

Crying Beverly
Crying every episode
Now leaving in tears

Well, ding dong, the witch is dead. And I don’t mean an awesome, evil witch like Charlize Theron. I mean the wet, soppy, mewling little witch who wouldn’t die no matter how many buckets of water the bigger, meaner witches threw on her.

Here’s the thing: I know Beverly’s had a shit time of it, and made it through the abusive relationship and all. And people like Sarah and Heather were complete dicks to her.

But I can’t feel sorry for someone who feels that sorry for herself. Self pity is natural, but to live your entire life as one big victim scene.. . that’s just gross. And that’s really what we’ve seen from Beverly in this competition – any instinct she has to prove herself or to win is cloaked in a bunch of rhetoric about how everyone who doesn’t lick her ass is a bully, and how one horrifying mean chef managed to turn everyone else against her.

So adios, Beverly, you human wet nap. You will not be missed. And I will not be pleased if (spoiler alert) you manage by some minor miracle to beat any other chefs and stay alive past the next round of Last Chance Kitchen.

The challenge: I liked it, despite the product placementry of it all. And apparently the chefs liked it too, because the work they did was sooooo much better than what we’ve seen prior to this point in the competition that it’s just staggering. The presentation on some of those dishes was just flat out amazeballs.

I will point out one thing though: while they were working to make dishes that would convey the idea of blood or poison or wickedness, so many of them made dishes that would’ve literally been poisonous to me! I couldn’t believe so many of them went to the beets = blood well! Come on, people. There’s other red food out there! Just say no to beets!

Let’s spin this delightful fairy tale, shall we?

Night. We open in the stew room, where chivalrous knights Paul, Ed and Ponytail Chris are congratulating fair maiden Beverly. La Strega Sarah, the witch who only makes Italian Food, is upset because she thinks the beautiful but cold hearted Lindsay should’ve won for being the glue that held their team together. Witch, please. It’s Top Chef, not Top Adhesive. Anyway, King Tom enters and tells them they have been banished from Austin, and must flee in the night to the far off kingdom of San Antonio.

So they race off through the darkness in their product placement vehicles pumpkin carriages. Sir Ponytail Chris talks about being the only asshole who hasn’t won anything. They wonder if the girls are pissed at Bev. The girls ride involves a lot of silence, a lot of smug interviews from Bev, and a lot of sniping from Lindsay.

The next morning, they reflect on how close they are to the final 4 while eating breakfast, then head back to the kitchen where everything started. Bev tells us that on arriving, she sees "Eric Rippurt." I don't know who this Rippurt fellow is, but the dude in the kitchen is culinary legend and my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert. Eric Ripert is a famous kitchen wizard who an evil horny witch trapped in the body of a magical Silver Fox. Lady Padma is also there wearing trapped in an evil jumpsuit.

Ed notices a conveyor belt at the back of the room, and knows that this challenge is going to suck. Padma tells them that the Quickfire is about quick thinking. They’ll have 30 minutes to create a sophisticated dish using 3 ingredients (because things in Fairy Tales always come in threes -- three brothers; three trials; three wishes) that they’ll pick from the conveyor belt. The longer they wait for ingredients, the better their chances of getting a good one are… but the less time they’ll have. The winner will get the magical gift of immunity.

Conveyor flurry. Lindsay decides to grab basic pantry staples first. Ed grabs macadamia nuts and sauerkraut. Then he realizes he has to use both. Sarah is hanging out net to the conveyor waiting for things. Grayson starts a carrot and white wine sauce and hopes for a good piece of fish to go with it. Chris sees lobster and runs after it, but it gets taken off the conveyor before it comes up again.

Fifteen minutes. Paul grabs saffron, bread, and bitter melon. Chris keeps waiting for the lobster to come back around, swearing a lot. Sir Ponytail Chris is more like the clumsy squire than a gallant knight in this scenario. Grayson grabs goldfish crackers. Beverly starts creating a dish with pantry ingredients. Sarah is still waiting for anything, and grabs saltine crackers.

Here come the lobsters again… and once again Sir Ponytail Chris is too slow for them. Haha. Asshole. Beverly grabs rice krispies, tofu, and black eyed peas. Chris runs for the lobster a third time and manages to snag one. Lindsay grabs a grouper and clams to make Bouillabaisse. Grayson gets her fish. Time! Beverly starts crying because she forgot to put the curried rice krispies onto her plate…and because she’s Beverly, and crying is what she does. Commercial.

Back. Padma and Eric Ripert make their way around the enchanted kitchen to see what sort of wizardry the chefs have worked. Ed explains his Sauerkraut Soup, Shrimp with Shaved Truffle. Ok, I love sauerkraut, but the idea of sauerkraut soup makes me want to hurl. Chris made Butter Poached Lobster with Foie Gras. Padma says that the cauliflower brings out chocolate notes. Grayson’s dish is Butter Poached Dover Sole with Goldfish and Rosemary. Padma thinks using the goldfish crackers on fish is kind of clever, and asks Ripert if he’s ever done that. “I ‘ave nevair don zat,” he says. “You probably shouldn’t,” Grayson tells him.

Paul has used his ingredients to make Mussels in Ginger and Bitter Melon Broth. He thinks he bombed the challenge. Sarah’s dish is Fried Soft-Shell Crab with Cottage Cheese Sauce. She can’t believe she’s serving Eric Ripert saltines and cottage cheese.

Lindsay discusses her Bouillabaisse in Fennel-Pernod Broth. Finally we have Beverly’s --without her Rice Krispies. Ripert asks to taste it with the Krispies to see how it works. Ed says she should’ve just chucked the Krispies in the air and hoped some landed on the plate.

Ripert begins listing the weaker dishes with Ponytail Chris, whose “ingraidients deed aint complaimaint eech ozzair,” Grayson, who’s overuse of citrus “nom our palaits,” and Paul, because the “beetairness of ze may-lon,” made the dish unappealing.

On top, we have Sarah, whose dish was interesting and a “sooprize,” Lindsay, and Beverly, who would’ve won by a mile if she’d gotten all the ingredients on the plate. And the “weenair” is Lindsay, who had the most “‘armonious deesh”. She takes it as a backhanded compliment – though she won, her dish wasn’t really the best… but it’s still immunity. I’ll take “Things You Shouldn’t Do To A Gift Horse” for a thousand, Alex.

We veer right into the Elimination Challenge. Padma tells them they’ll have to make a dish fit for a queen. Ponytail Chris speculates that it could be the Queen of England or Queen Latifah….but no. It’s Charlize Theron, who’ll be playing the Queen in the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman. She talks about how it’s a darker version of the Snow White tale, and how her queen is pretty much a serial killer.

So they’ll have to prepare a gothic feast of dishes that are “wickedly beautiful.” Charlize encourages them to think like a wicked queen and take out the competition.

The chefs race off to Whole Foods where they have 30 minutes and $250 each. Paul is making an “enchanted forest” with beets and beet stems, aka my death on a plate. Grayson plans on making a “mutilated chicken” which will look like “a crime scene on a plate” and involve “a cracked open baby bird.” Sarah is going to make red risotto to look bloody, and it’ll have fresh figs in it. Ponytail Chris has gummi worms. Beverly klutzes her way around the store, and Grayson describes her as “like a bulldog: she little but she crazy.”

Bulldogs everywhere are now pissed at being compared to Beverly and defamed as crazy. Watch your back, Grayson.

Lindsay’s dish involves scallops, short ribs, blood oranges and dragon beans.

Back at the chef house, they all describe how they’re going to work evil into their dishes. Ponytail Chris calls his wife. This doesn’t make him any more likeable, though we do get to see a picture of him with semi-normal hair. Go with that look, Ponytail Chris, ya douche. They make a plan for the next day, and Paul emphasizes being respectful of peoples’ space and not grabbing stuff off others stations. Lindsay interviews that a couple of people have had problems in the past with Beverly jumping in front of people and grabbing things without thinking twice about it. Commercial.

Back. They have 2 hours to cook at the Southwest School of Art. Chris is making a play on the poisoned apple. Ed has the first course, so he wants to set the tone for the evening – he’s making a black sauce and a white sauce to represent the struggle between good and evil. Beverly is making forbidden rice and halibut. Paul thinks she’s making halibut to show Lindsay that she can do it. He thinks people underestimate Bev.

Lindsay tells us that her dish is inspired by something that she had when she first had when she started working with Michelle Bernstein. Sarah’s making lamb hearts, and Grayson is cooking with black chicken, which she’s never used before.

Paul burns some beet juice and coco nibs, and nixes them from the recipe.

The judges (Tom, Padma, Eric Ripert and Emeril) and Charlize Theron enter a sumptuous looking royal dining room, and toast to a wicked feast. Ed’s first course emerges: Tuna Tartare with Black Garlic Ponzu and Asian Pear Vinaigrette. Padma’s into the fried fish scales, and Ripert thinks he’s done “a grate zhob wiss zee sauce.” Tom thinks he did a great job with the dish, and Charlize could eat it every day.

Back in the kitchen, Paul is putting “bloody” handprints on his plate. His dish comes out next, and he explains the enchanted forest idea behind his Foie Gras with Bacon, Pumpernickel, Pickled Cherries, and Beets. Except for the beets that sounds awesome. Charlize loves the presentation, calling it beautiful and scary. Emeril says the dish could have problems, but all comes together, and Ripert says it’s “fantastique.”

Next up is Beverly, who feels confident about her dish. The servers bring out her Seared Halibut with Red Curry Coulis and Forbidden Rice. She explains how Snow White is the halibut. Hm. Ripert likes the pineapple. Charlize’s halibut is cooked perfectly. Tom thinks the rice is great.

The servers bring out Lindsay’s Seared Scallop over "Witch’s Stew” and Dragon Beans. Emeril loves the smell, and everyone’s scallops are cooked perfectly. Tom looks up from his dish wide eyed and says that the stew is “damn good.” It’s such a simple compliment, but the expression on his face gives it such weight – sometimes something is so damn good that damn good is all you can say about it. I wonder if this is one of those times. Padma says Lindsay may not have needed the immunity since her dish is so good.

Sarah is very proud of her dish, which is Amarone Risotto with Lamb Heart. Ripert says it’s “flayvorfool,” and Tom says “altogether it’s quite delicious.” Charlize loves the heart, and says “BRING ME MORE HEART” in a commanding wicked queen voice.

Chris tells Grayson her dish is “slaughterific”. Everyone chuckles at the sight of her dish: Black Chicken with Beets, Quail Egg, and Foie Gras. Grayson tells them that the quail egg symbolizes the baby that was inside the chicken when she was slaughtered. Tom says if it tastes as good as it looks, it’s an absolute winner. Seriously, the presentation (as you can see) is epic. They all rave about how crispy and delicious it is. Ripert suggests hanging the chicken feet from the chandelier as a souvenir.

For dessert we have Chris’s Poisoned Apple and Cherry Pie. He finishes sit with smoking apple powder. They all crack into the “blood filled” apple, and talk about how this is where Chris’s bag of tricks really pays off. Again, the presentation on this dish is just a real event, from the smoking powder to the pie inside the apple.

Tom says this is the most exciting meal of the season so far, and Ripert says it’s one of the best meals he’s had on Top Chef. While everything was good, there were a few things that were out of step, and since it was overall so excellent it’s going to come down to little glitches. Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs have formed an impromptu band in the stew room, banging on and shaking utensils and ingredients. Beverly is off tempo on her pot lid cymbals.

Back. Grayson tells them what she said about her dish, and everyone cracks up. Padma calls them all back to the judges’ table.

Tom says this is one of the finest meals he’s had in all the years of Top Chef. Charlize Theron says that if she was a queen, she’d take them all to her castle and torture and inspire them to create these dishes every day. “We are here to please you,” Ed says.

Emeril tells Sarah her lamb heart was perfection. Tom tells Lindsay her scallop dish was brilliant and full of tiny details that made the dish. Padma thought Ed’s sauces were amazing. Charlize felt that Chris made the perfect sweetness to the dessert, and Tom tells him that this is where his tricks were effective.

Emeril says Beverly’s rice was delicious and didn’t overpower the coconut. Tom tells Grayson her visual was dead on. Padma says Paul’s enchanted forest was beautiful, and you couldn’t beat that handprint. Charlize announces that the winner is…Paul! He gets two tickets to the world premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman. I hope he gets airfare and accommodation as well, because otherwise that is one underwhelming prize. “You get a car! You get a luxury vacation! You get thousands of dollars! You get…movie tickets.”

Padma tells Ed, Lindsay, and Chris that they’re also safe. So it’s Sarah, Beverly, and Grayson in the bottom. They’ve all done well, and Tom thinks that with minor changes, these dishes should all go on their menus back home.

Charlize liked the presentation on Sarah’s dish. Sarah says she went with the luxury/royalty idea, and spent half her budget on the Amarone alone. “Drink any?” Emeril asks roguishly. Sarah laughingly admits that she has a bit in the next room in case she has to go home. Charlize thought the risotto was a bit salty, and Tom thought it was a touch undercooked. “I’m nitpicking here, because I have to,” he says.

Tom enjoyed Beverly’s dish, but the sauce became sticky. Beverly says how she didn’t want to be “wicked, grotesque” she wanted to go an elegant and refined route. Tom says that if the plate was hot, the sauce mightn’t have turned sticky on them. Beverly cries something about having something in her heart and doing this for her family.

Padma loved the idea of Grayson’s chicken, and Tom asks how she came up with it. Charlize thought the greens were a bit salty, Tom says the quail egg might’ve worked better hard boiled, and Padma and Emeril didn’t think the foie was worked into the dish well. Grayson then hilariously slams the other two, saying that Beverly wanted to go elegant instead of wicked “….okay….” and that she could’ve done what she wanted to as well, “like pasta or risotto,” but she went out on a limb, totally embraced the theme of the challenge, and she hopes the judges see that.

The ladies are dismissed and head back to the stew room. Ed says that they all did so well they should be proud of whoever goes home.

Deliberation. Grayson’s dish was absolutely gutsy, and Beverly put together a “nice dish” but held back. Sarah’s risotto was undercooked and had too much cheese. They mope a bit about what a hard decision they have to make. Commercial.

Back. Tom says that Sarah “went there” with the challenge, but her risotto just missed the mark. Beverly told the nice side of the story, but the sauce was hard to get down. Grayson’s dish was “definitely fitting” but had some flaws. He emphasizes what a difficult decision it was, and says “the queen will have someone’s head.”

Padma tells Beverly to pack her knives and go. Beverly hugs Grayson and half hugs Sarah, then says it really stings that she could’ve had immunity if she hadn’t forgotten part of her quickfire dish. She says she’s proved to herself how she can persevere through all the highs and lows, and she never threw anyone under the bus. With that, she is cast out from the Top Chef palace, never to return again…we hope.

Next time! You have to shine if you’re going to win this head to head battle. The last thing I want to do is compete against Lindsay. I want to compete against Paul. Oh, Come on…, Alright, let’s all freak out now. It’s come down to the wire. You’ve got to deliver.

And in the Last Chance Kitchen, Beverly faces force of nature Nyesha in a contest to see who can cook with local fish Black Drum, and can only make one pass through the pantry to gather everything for her dish. Nyesha thinks this one should be in the bag and no challenge whatsoever. None of the eliminated chefs bet on Beverly, which Beverly puts down to Heather “gathering people against” her again. Or, maybe they just don’t like you on their own, huh Bev?

Tom introduces a twist: they have to surrender their ingredients to the other chef. It’s fairly early, but Nyesha feels like she’s set Beverly up for success. On the other hand, Beverly has already dredged her fish entirely in cornstarch, and knows Nyesha will hate the ingredients she chose. The other chefs watch Beverly fuck about the kitchen not filleting her fish, discoloring pans by overheating them, and pouring oil on the grill.

Ultimately, it comes down to Beverly’s Seared Black Drum With Orange, Fennel, and Olives versus Nyesha’s Seared Black Drum With Julienne of Tri-Pepper and Pineapple Chutney. Tom tells them they both did a great job, and it came down to an issue of seasoning. Nyesha’s dish was slightly underseasoned, so Beverly is the winner. Fuck that noise. She says being eliminated was her “point down in the ashes” and now she’s rising back up again. God, what a tiresome woman.

Project Runway All Stars: Si, Mi Chiamano Sweet P

Oh, Sweet P, c’mon.
What the hell was that dress, girl?
And where is “Mean P”?

Guys, I just can’t with an intro today.

Here’s the thing: after a nice respite from half a lifetime of insomnia, it seems to have come back with the vengeance. I have not had a good night’s sleep so far in 2012. I am full on Richard III Act IV, Scene i Lady Anne style wigged out right now:

“For never yet one hour in his bed
Have I enjoy’d the golden dew of sleep…”

… but without the awesome double entendre of it all. Because what’s keeping me awake is not my hunchbacked, horrifying, possibly sexually voracious husband, but my goddamned cat and my goddamned subconscious.

Anyway, the end result of this, combined with the fact that I had a crap day yesterday, and the fact that some of my friends were late getting to dinner last night and we wanted to watch 30 Rock so we didn’t really start watching Project Runway until 9:45 or so and I was half asleep by the time the show started and had to be nudged repeatedly to stay awake while it was on, is that I honestly don’t have much to say about the episode.

They made opera dresses. There were – or at least I saw – a lot of ‘90s clothing references. And Sweet P, predictably, is gone – she and Elisa were the two who had the most people questioning their “All Star” status to begin with, and they’re the first two axed.

Let’s see what else I remember:

We open the show at Parsons, where Angela – who, really, I’m just going to refer to as “The UnHeidi” from now until she does something to distinguish herself. You can make your own call about whether I intend that as a reference to the old UnCola commercials of my youth, or to Freud’s concept of the unheimliche – greets the designers. She tells them that this week’s challenge is all about high end glamour, and welcomes Mark Badgley and James Mishka to the runway.

They tell the designers that their challenge for the week is to design a gown for an evening at the opera. They’re looking for true couture touches. Michael Costello* tells us he’s ready for this challenge, because he grew up listening to a lot of opera. Frankly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Michael Costello told us he’d grown up in an opera. Didn’t we establish during his season that he’s from a family of Irish travelers or something?

*(And yes, I’ll probably keep referring to him as Michael Costello or Michael C. even though there’s no longer a Michael D. around from whom I need to distinguish him. It’s sheer force of habit, the same way friends from high school still call me Jordan Baker, even though we haven’t seen Jordan Butcher, Jordan Candlestick-Maker, or Jordan Almond since 1995)

The designers will have a budget of $350…and only one day to work.

They head over to their workroom, where they have 30 minutes to sketch. Michael C. is planning to make a red dress…as is April. Uh-oh. Now we get to continue their mophead drama from last week. Austin reminds us that they called him the “King of Couture” during the first season (did they? I don’t recall that), so he’s feeling a lot of pressure.

They head off to the first MOOD trip of the season. Swatch hears that Tim Gunn won’t be with them, so he hides. He only knows these people through Tim – it would be awkward to run into them without Tim around to broker their acquaintance. Kenley picks up a pink fabric with black dots that’s fun in a ‘50s kind of way, but not something I’d ever wear to the opera. Michael C. and April learn that they’re both using the same fabric again. Michael goes through all the things they both have – leading to the line “I have feathers, she has feathers” – which for some reason I find kind of priceless. Anyway, April could care less that they’re both using the same color, but Michael C. decides to switch and do a black Jersey.

And it’s back to the workroom. April starts dying her fabric to give her gown a “corpse bride” effect. Everyone else thinks this is a mistake, since the dying process will take so long, and worries that she’s sabotaging herself. Commercial.

We come back, and it’s work work work work work. Joanna Coles enters for her Joanna –thru. She begins with Rami. Can we just discuss how HUGE Rami is this season? I mean, he was fit in Season 4, but now he’s just straight up jacked. Look at those arms! Anyway, he’s playing with the idea of triangles toward the bodice. He thinks Austin is perfect for the challenge. So Joanna sidles up to Austin and just reminds them that they all have HUGE expectations for him. HUGE. EPIC. One might even say OPERATICLY EXAGGERATED. Then she slithers away, having said nothing about his dress. Because why discuss clothes when you can just give someone a complex instead?

Next she heads over to April, who realizes dying is risky, but she’s comfortable with the risk since she does it a lot. April tells the camera that she didn’t even think of a plan B, she just needs Plan A to work out.

Joanna Coles tells Kara that she worries that her dress – which, seriously, is made of a floral pattern that looks pretty much exactly like a Jessica McClintock dress I had in 1991, a pattern that was only ever appropriate for making slightly overwrought floral dresses for 14 year old girly girls in the very early ‘90s – is going to look like “bridesmaid wear” rather than evening. Similarly, she asks Anthony how the judges will know his white dress isn’t a bride’s dress. Anthony points out that it’s plunging and forward thinking in a way brides’ dresses aren’t known to be.

Joanna Coles heads back out. Work work work work work. Sweet P is concentrating on the bodice of her dress and praying it works. Mondo thinks Kara is the weakest designer in the room. Austin thinks Michael Costello’s dress is “too celebrity and not enough socialite.”

At the end of the day, they head back to the Flatotel where they sit around talking about how a day isn’t enough time to do couture. Anthony says that they’re making “really, really, really pumped up prom dresses” rather than couture gowns. Kara is worried. Commercial.

Back. Day of show. Everyone is rushing to get done. The models arrive for their fittings, and then get rushed off to the usual Hair and Makeup product placement routine. The designers stand around the Neiman Marcus accessory wall, oohing and aaaahing to do their part to keep the sponsorship …ship…. afloat.

We hit the runway. The UnHeidi welcomes them, and introduces the judges – Georgiana Chapman, Isaac Mizrahi, and guest judges Badgley and Mischka (I never quite sorted which was Badgley and which was Mischka, by the way, so be prepared for me to attribute their remarks to both of them jointly). Let’s start the show.

We open with Kenley, who has made a dress (right) that I swear to God, my sister had for a Barbie Doll circa 1990 – Costume Ball Barbie, I believe. I had the accompanying Costume Ball Ken, despite being technically “too old” for Barbies in 1993. One of my friends points out that it’s kind of another “Puerto Rican Prom dress,” continuing the theme Kenley’s work seems to be taking so far this season.

Gordanna has made a purple formalwear gown for her usual Eastern European Hooker client (left). The top is interesting, but something about the way the top and bottom work together is just trashy. “It’s not opera, it’s Grammys,” one of my friends says. “It’s not even Grammy’s, it’s Latin Grammy’s,” I add caustically.

Rami has made a bright pink dress that looks like it belongs to another Barbie. Not one my sister or I ever had – Southern Whore Barbie or something, maybe. Mila has made an asymmetrical black dress. Sweet P has made what looks like a maxi dress version of the Sunday dresses I used to sell for children at the Tucson Mall Dillard’s in the late ‘90s: solid color top; Empire waist; floral skirt. There is nothing sophisticated about it.

Mondo’s gown (right) is…I can’t decide if I love it or hate it. It’s interesting and beautiful, but at its core it looks like a cocktail dress from the ‘90s (god, either I am or they are on such a “from the ‘90s” kick today. I hope it’s just what I’m seeing and not what they’re actually doing. I am not ready for a ‘90s revival. Say no to overalls and high waisted jeans, America) with a sheer cape attached to it. Actually, come to think of it, that makes it like a shorter version of the dress I bought for senior prom (1995), which was also a white dress with a sheer cape attached. And also Jessica McClintock. Anyway, looking at it this morning, I like it, and will refer to it as having a “space vixen meets Audrey Hepburn” aesthetic.

Jerell has made a tent dress that makes his model look huge, but it has a weird kind of elegant dress. Kara has made a grown-up version of the Jessica McClintock dress I had in 8^th grade (it doubled as my district honor choir dress and my 8^th grade graduation dress. I loved the crap out of that thing, but I was a 14 year old girl, and it was 1991).

I love the hell out of Anthony’s dress. I’m not even going to say anything about it; I’m just going to let you look.

Austin’s dress is also amazing – it’s gold with soft, wispy black touches and a beautiful back. April’s dye job on her red-to-black ombre dress looks gorgeous from a distance, but dirty up close, and the construction on the bodice isn’t good. Michael Costello’s dress is black and has a feathered vest-lette thing that makes it look very structured and closed off from the front, but the back is totally bare. It’s staggering.

The show finished, the designers line up on the runway. The UnHeidi calls Anthony, April, Sweet P, Austin, Kara, and Michael. They have the highest and the lowest scores. Everyone else is dismissed, and we go to commercial.

We come back to the world’s most confusing judging session. I don’t know if it was just because I was so fucking exhausted last night, or if these judges were just trying to be super evenhanded, but we kind of came out of the segment not being 100% whether some people were the best of the worst or the worst of the best.

Anyway, we begin with Anthony. Isaac loves that he’s created a “new context for white,” and calls his dress vampy and sexy. The Badgley Mischkas love that it’s body conscious on one side and bloussant on the other. But Georgina Chapman is concerned about his overuse of accessories.

Moving to April’s (right), Isaac doesn’t think that the opera is the time for ombre, and the Badgley Mischkas both hate black and red together. Now, clearly this is not good commentary, but it’s a bit gentle considering all the problems with execution – the dirty looking dye job; the awkward looking bodice – you can see on the dress.

Isaac says that Sweet P’s is more “prom dress” than opera. Personally, I don’t know what prom you’d wear that to – I can’t imagine that combination of color and patterns on anyone over 10, even though I’m seeing it right before my eyes. Badgley Mischka don’t like the dirndl skirt, and agree that it’s not for the opera.

Isaac loves Austin’s dress, and calls it fresh, classic and expensive. He loves the relative modesty of it. Everyone else loves it too.

Then we move to Kara, and Isaac says he loves the print. I fall over dead from confusion, and can’t keep going. Anyway, he adds that a dress that simple needs to be perfect, and this isn’t. Georgina thinks it’s very pretty – and I almost drop dead again – but she adds that it doesn’t fit Kara’s personality.

Finally, Isaac calls Michael C’s (left) “shockingly perfect,” and he can’t believe that he made it in one day. Georgina loves that he used matte jersey.

The designers are sent off and the judges deliberate. They begin with the bottom – which is convenient, because we actually needed that distinction to sort out who was in which group. Isaac didn’t go for April’s original idea, but at least it wasn’t boring. He likens Sweet P’s to a “granny bathing suit.” One of the Badgely Mischkas loves Kara’s dress, but no one else does.

On the top, Anthony’s was beautifully draped and impeccably made. They loved Austin’s, and thought it was tasteful but still exciting. And Michael’s was spectacular, but something you see a lot. Commercial.

We come back and learn that Anthony is safe. So it’s down to Michael or Austin for the winner, and it’s Austin. He says some things about winning, but seriously, I’m half asleep at this point and doing some sort of semi-conscious automatic writing shit. We’re lucky I managed to get down the designers names and not a message from “the other side” or something.

Michael is also in. Kara is safe.

So it’s either April or Sweet P. The judges appreciate April’s ambition, but she didn’t execute. Sweet P lost her way in the challenge.

Ultimately, April is in and Sweet P is out. Sweet P says something about how she respects all the other designers. One of my friends shakes me because I’ve totally passed out.

Next time! Flamboyant cocktail dress for Miss Piggy! Kara and Kenley are becoming quite codependent! You made a really pretty dress, and that’s the problem! And hopefully, I’ll have gotten my first full night’s sleep in 2012 by that point.