Bimbo of the month

In addition to being an excellent source of bad date stories, neologisms, and quasi-profound postmodern rants, "Dealing in Subterfuges" is proud to be the place to come in the DC blogoverse for pictures of creepy looking blonde bimbos.

I've mentioned before how wigged out I am by the sheer number of hits I get from people looking for sexy pictures of FOX Sports "personality" Jeanne Zelasko. In fact, I am the number one result for a google search for "Jeanne Zelasko boobs." My mother would be so proud. . .

While I find it creepy that people want to see pictures of Jeanne Zelasko's boobs, I have nothing against Jeanne Zelasko herself. Well, nothing except intense jealousy that she gets to interview all my favorite ball players, and work closely with Joe Buck.

Damn you, Jeanne Zelasko. Someday I'll meet you, conk you on the head, and steal your job. . .

There's a new entry in my sitemeter boobliography, though. People are now coming here looking for pictures of Sandra Lee's boobs.

I hate Sandra Lee. I hate her with a passion that burns. Burns like the clap, which I fervently hope she contracts someday.

I mentioned my hatred of Sandra Lee once before. It went something like this:

Why I hate Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade Cooking. Easy. She has no eyebrows, no personality, and her themes are fucking stupid. Right now, for example, she's just prepared a completely retarded Halloween party while wearing a witch's hat with plastic streamers hanging off of it. If she actually cooked anything on her show instead of just opening packages, it would qualify as a massive fire hazzard. That's the episode I want to see.

So we're talking here about a woman I want to see burst into flames. That's like one level of hatred above peeing on her shoes*.

While the reasons I listed previously are all true and all valid, my big beef with Sandra Lee is the concept of her show/cookbook empire. Her "philosophy" is that you can entertain using "70% store-bought/ready-made products accompanied by 30% fresh and creative touches – which allows anyone to take 100% of the credit for something that looks, feels and tastes homemade."

So basically, her show runs something like this:

"For your Italian theme party, open three cans of Chef Boyardee and throw some pre-grated mozzarella cheese on top. For dessert, you can make these delicious individual Italian ices by unwrapping different flavors of popsicles and crushing them up in cocktail glasses. Then decorate using differently shaped pasta, and throw green, red, and white confetti all over your table. Keep it sweet, keep it simple, and always keep it Semi-Homemade."

Ugh.

My beef is not the same as fellow "Sandra Lee Boobs" resultee Hughes for America voices: "The Lazy-Ass Gourmet" with Sandra Lee
Why not call her show, "Semi-Homemade Cooking," what it is? Lee takes good food and combines it with store-bought crap and terrible themes, resulting in a crappy show only worth watching to make fun of. So why not give her a show where she'd cover such topics as: Plating a spicy chicken combo from Wendy's, choosing the right dipping sauce for your Chicken McNuggets, mild, medium or hot for your wings and what beer goes best with takeout from Long John Silver's. Seriously, her show makes you want to dice your own hand with Rachel Ray's Wusthof 7" Santoku knife with the hollow edge.

Having dressed up many a box of Rice-a-Roni myself in my day, I'm not about to condemn Sandra for her laziness**. My real problem is her rationale for taking these shortcuts. It's not like Rachael Ray or other "speedy gourmet" shows, where the host(ess) acknowledges that we all lead busy fucking lives, and it's a rare occasion that we actually have 30 minutes to make dinner. It's not even like my own life: "I have ninety million papers to grade, and I'm ravenous. I will throw cheese singles, Tabasco sauce, frozen corn, and chicken into my Spanish Rice-a-Roni mix, and call it Jordan's aroz de fiesta!"

The voice over at the beginning of Semi-Homemade informs us that she's been entertaining for years "the traditional way my gramma taught me." Eventually, she says, she developed these quick and easy shortcuts that she shared with her girlfriends. Whatever. Fine. If I ever develop quick and easy shortcuts for entertaining (other than "wow, it would be a lot quicker and easier to entertain if I could scrub 13 years of etiquette classes from my head and just relax and enjoy my guests") I'll be sure to share them with all of you. Girls do that.

But Sandra's not just doing it to help out her girlfriends. I realized this both during the Halloween show when she stopped midway through "making" her smooshy marshmallow ghosts*** ("just smoosh marshmallows between your fingers and draw eyes on them! Look! Now they're ghosts! Unsanitary? Why would that be unsanitary?") to take a phone call from her husband

She said something like "husbands always come first, ladies."

And I thought "God damn you, Sandra Lee. I hate you so much." And the first piece of the puzzle fell into place.

The rest became clear later in the week. She was "making" caramel popcorn by popping popcorn in the microwave, and then pouring melted caramels over it. She started yammering about how great it was to eat when you were curled up on the couch with your hubby, and how having made it would make him think you were a "good little homemaker."

Ahhhhhhh. . . .

Firstable, good little homemaker? Isn't it 2005?

And second, I think there's great value and dignity in being a homemaker. If that's your choice, you rock. You're doing a job that I would never have the patience and discipline to do without a fistful of Xanax and a tumbler full of Knob Creek before breakfast. But if you're going to do it, don't you want to do it well? To actually be good at maintaining your home and family rather than just fooling your husband into thinking you are?

You'll notice that despite all of this, despite my ranting and complaining about her lack of both eyebrows and personality, the lameness of her ideas, and the absolute ridiculousness of the fact that she tries to pass off "add Hatch chilis to a block of Velveeta cheez product and throw it in the microwave for great nachos!" as a "philosophy," I've seen my fair share of Semi-Homemade episodes.

It's gotten that bad. I hate her so much that I've started rushing home every day to make sure I get to seethe at her prattling in the background while I blog. I need my fix. I need to get in my thirty minutes of loathing.

It's probably the same reason some of you keep coming here day after day.

So I hate you, Sandra Lee. You and your pencilled in eyebrows and your fake tits and your idiotic themes. I hope your stupid costumes and stupid decorations catch on fire and consume you in a blaze of polyesther glory. If we ever meet, I'll be compelled to kick you in the nads****.

But I have to admit it. You and I? Sisters under the skin, baby. Sisters under the skin.

Now I'm off to cut a chalupa into individual triangles and call it an amuse bouche.

*Please note: I am also result number one for "pee on Curtis Sittenfeld." That I'm truly proud of.
**Although I should point out that I advocate this only as an occasional quick fix, not as an "ingenious philosophy" to live your life by.
***Before the Sandra Lee fan club starts attacking me, I'm going to point out that I know there weren't any smooshy marshmallow ghosts. It was a theoretical example.
****Yes, fan club. I know she doesn't have nads. Grow a sense of humor, for chrissakes.