A few people e-mailed to ask what kind of forty I'd be pouring out for Ken Lay (fewer than asked about Aaron Spelling). The answer is simple: I won't.
Why, you might ask?
Well, it's not about politics or ethics or personal dislike or anything. No. I just refuse to waste good hooch on a man who's not actually dead.
I mean, come on. Let's say you have a jillion dollars and you're facing jail time. Do you suck it up and pay your dues like a man, or do you buy a hobo's body from the morgue and jet off to some nice tropical island where the Arbor Mist is plentiful and the extradition treaties non-existant?
Personally, I would buy the hobo's body.
So, Mr. Lay, if you are dead, rest in peace. And if you're not, kudos. Enjoy a mai-tai for me.
(I am, it should be noted, not the only one who thinks this. My favorite comment is "Hey Ken, You're a fucking asshole! Sincerely, Jesus." It's nice that Jesus is sincere, even when he's calling you a fucking asshole.)
16 comments:
especially when he's calling you a fucking asshole
Hell, he'll probably have someone on hand paid specifically to unscrew the screwtop for him.
I hadn't thought of the hobo replacmement plot. I just figured the medical examiner was covering up a suicide.
We'll know something's up if they go "closed casket" or cremation...
Yeah, the well-timed heart attack also set off my "flight risk" alarms, too. Although he might have kicked once he started thinking about what was waiting for him. I hope he's dead. He doesn't deserve a mai-tai.
Sincerely,
Megarita
I think that he on an island off of the coast of South Africa. Or he did die of a heart attack. Oh well. We'll never find out, will we?
I can't tell you how happy it makes me that basically everyone I've spoken to in the last day thinks something is up. By last night the Post had an article that was essentially spurred by everyone calling bullshit.
I was in Cuff's camp about paying off to cover up a suicide.
firefalluk: that is a good time to be sincere, yes.
i-66: I would definitely have a paid cap-unscrewer if I had the resources.
cuff: totally. Unless they lay him out like Lenin, no one's buying anything.
megarita: "he doesn't deserve a mai-tai" sounds soooooo harsh for some reason.
ma: yes, it's definitely one of those.
claven: everyone loves a conspiracy theory, I guess.
I'll have to keep the fake death in mind.
"lay him out like Lenin" would be a great expression, or at least a t-shirt.
Do people really still sue the term "hobo"?
use I mean
scarlet: see that you do.
megarita: I see i on faux baseball jersey in bright red letters.
anonymous: only in the best circles.
Don't be fooled by an open casket. They can do wonders with wax these days.
suicide implies acknowledgement of guilt and i doubt ole kenny boy had any concept of it. he certainly never showed it publically if he did. i can't rule that out but of the choices, its the least likely.
he was facing prison which can certainly be a reality depressing enough to trigger suicide... a path many have chosen in the past. but they were either likely also guilt-ridden or did not have sufficient stash and connections to pull off a switch. not so in kenny boy's case.
he's either dead or laughin at us. watch mama. if she jets off next week or next month never to be seen again, well.... DUH!!!
the only way i'd ever believe the former would be if i had both "before" and "after" dna samples that i personally took. the "before" sample, marked john doe #1, along with the "after sample, marked john doe #2, are sent, along with 3 other samples marked doe 3, etc, to an INDEPENDENT lab to see if any of the 5 samples match.
then i'd know fer sur. but would you?
Don't really think suicide myself. No guilty feelings in that guy, besides that might affect Mama's insurance $$$. Why should he have worried? W would have pardoned him anyway. I think he's in the witness protection program and enjoying that maitai right now. his autopsy was performed within 4 hours of death! JFK didn't even get that kind of hustle.
anonymous: yes, as shown by the fact that Mme. Toussaud's sculpture of Victoria Beckham looks more human than "Posh" herself.
anon 2: I tend to think of suicide more as a sign of cowardice than of guilt, and I'm pretty sure Mr. Lay had the former quality in spades. But my money is still on hobo's body + tropical island.
alice: witness protection would involve too many people--it would be smarter for him to handle the whole thing independently than risk some pissed off FBI operative blowing the whistle on that sort of misuse of government resources.
And now we must stop talking about this before I start looking like some freakish conspiracy buff. Which I'm not. The whole thing was a j-o-k-e, people.
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