Q & A: Barack, Britney, and Boobs.

There was a bumper crop of questions this week, and as per usual all the ones that weren’t about various Food Network stars either being gay and/or undergoing augmentation of the boobular region were pretty darn bizarre. Like the reader in Scottsdale, AZ who conflated two presidential candidates and asked Is Barack Obama Mormon? Um . . . .no. But wouldn't he be awesomely unelectable if he were? Let's give our new guaranteed to fail candidate a celebrity hybrid name. . .like Baromney Mitbama, or something.

In Mulberry, IN, someone who read the same issue of US Weekly that I did wants to know What’s wrong with Britney’s face? While I’m not a dermatologist or anything, my diagnosis would be that overindulgence in cigs and booze coupled with too many pregnancies in too short a time has caused her thin veneer of cute to disintegrate, which in turn allowed her trailer park DNA to come raging to the surface. This has caused her to look bloated, saggy, discolored, older than her years, trashy, and generally nast.

A reader in Nashville, TN left a perplexing riddle: What is so fragile that when you speak its name, you break it? Anyone have an answer for Nashville? I'm not good at these. . .my guess would be "love" or "the heart" or something like that, but I'd like it to be less cheezy.

In Troy, NY, a female reader wonders Can I bring my rabbit pearl in the shower? Iiiiiiiiii. . . .wouldn’t risk that., Troy. Double check the package, but I’m pretty sure it’s not waterproof, and that's not a death you want your parents and/or spouse to have to explain.

An aspiring suitor in London, UK, wants to know What nice thing can I say to an Italian girl? Well, we pretty much like the same compliments other girls do. If you want to say something nice to her in Italian, a nice place to start might be something along the lines of Hai gli occhi belli, or perhaps Hai gli petti d’una dea if you’re looking to be a bit more forward. Avoid things like Sei un ruffiano travestito, or Il tuo baffo è governato molto bene*.


On a slightly bizarre note, a reader in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada wants to know “Are we okay?” To my knowledge, I don’t know anyone in Manitoba. But I’m pretty much okay with everyone. So yeah, I think we’re good, Winnipeg.

The Moe Szyslak “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?” prize for the week goes to a reader in Arlington, MA, who wants to know Does ex-squeeze me a baking powder have anything to do with cocaine? As far as I know, Arlington, it’s a harmless quotation from Wayne’s World. Beyond that, you’ll have to ask Mike Meyers.

Finally, let’s end with a trio of questions that come from non-specified North American locations. First, someone asked How to be an asshole boyfriend. Honestly, I’ve met very few men who actually needed help with that little project, but I would suggest you watch General Hospital or All My Children and do exactly what you see Sonny Corinthos or Adam Chandler Junior doing. Granted, they’re asshole husbands rather than asshole boyfriends, but it’s a good start.

Another reader wanted to know Why does Giada DeLaurentiis keep showing her cleavage? Oh, come off it, Sandra! You know very well that if you had her cleavage—firm, buoyant, natural—you’d be showing it off too. Since you don’t, you’ll have to stick with those snug crewneck tops that accentuate your saggy curves and provide just enough support to keep your boobs from actually hitting your knees.

Finally, a reader asked How do you make love to an Italian girl? There are two right answers to this question, sir, and they are as follows: Number One, WELL. Number Two, OFTEN.

Coming soon: When I think about you, I shock myself; Why WETA's format change is bringing road rage back; How a nice girl from a good family feels about being solicited to shill for various sex toy companies (sorry, mom).


Happy weekend, kittens.

Note: This is my first post on the new blogger, so if it's all effed up, I apologize. If it dropped your link, please e-mail me at rottendriver@gmail.com. If you're one of those douchebags who always types out your e-mail address as (at) (dot), please punch yourself in the face. Grazie.

*In order, because I’m having a generous week: You have beautiful eyes; you have the breasts of a goddess; you’re a pimp in drag; or your moustache is very well groomed.