I had a few errands to do yesterday, and since it was free iced coffee day at Dunkin’ Donuts, I decided to combine the necessary with the delightful and do them in the 17th Street area.
(This despite the weather yesterday not being terribly conducive to iced coffee. Why couldn’t today be free iced coffee day? On the other hand, it was pretty damn funny watching people walking up and down 17th with their gloves on, shivering as they took determined sips on their free iced coffee.)
So I took care of my business and went to Dunkins, had a delightfully saucy conversation with the people in front of me in line (you would think that all the good jokes about donuts with nuts on them had already been made, but no), and got myself a pound of Cinnamon coffee, a Berry Berry donut, and my free iced coffee.
(Sidebar: while I remain fundamentally opposed to product placement, I really can’t say enough about the Berry Berry donut. It’s a strawberry jelly-filled donut frosted with strawberry frosting and topped with some sort of delightful crunchy berry flavored sugary substance. Its only flaw is that it apparently contains a full hundred calories more than my pedometer says I burned during my walk. Still—I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more just to eat the Berry Berry donuts from the Dunkin’ Donuts store. They’re that good)
Anyway, I sat down to enjoy my donut so I wouldn’t have to be juggling my parcels and sipping my iced coffee and wearing gloves and eating a jelly donut while walking uphill on my trek home. I inspected my free gift*, watched more people come in for their free iced coffees, and ate my donut a
t the awkward angles you have to eat a jelly donut at to keep all the jelly from escaping.Then this group of guys came in. There’s really no point in describing them; you’ve all seen them (or at least their type) often enough. Let’s just say that they’re the sort of guys who you can tell by listening to them for two minutes that they not only call each other “bro," they think they’re awesome for doing so. They asked for their free iced coffees, and the woman who was dispensing them asked how they wanted it**.
The Lead Bro asked what she meant, and she started listing the options—cream, sugar, various flavors. “C’n I have vanilla ice cream innit?” Lead Bro asked her.
Coffee Lady blinked. “Excuse me?”
“My iced coffee. C’n I have vanilla ice cream innit?”
“I can put vanilla flavor syrup in it,” Coffee Lady said patiently. “Or I guess I could put ice cream in it, but I’d have to charge you for a single scoop. . .”
Lead Bro then talked at Coffee Lady at length—much to the chortling delight of his chucklehead compatriots—about how he didn’t see what the big deal was, like if she could give him the coffee for free he didn’t see what the big deal was about dropping a scoop of ice cream into it, and it would be really good customer service if she did. . .
I left before their situation resolved itself, but not before joining the rest of the (non-chucklehead) patrons in giving Lead Bro a look of incredulity.
Firstable, guy, you’re not a customer. Customers pay for a good or service, and have a right to expect said goods or services to be satisfactory as a result. What you are is a free loading jackass who comes in demanding free coffee without even buying an 89 cent donut, and then wants more free shit above and beyond what you’ve been offered. Hell, why don’t you just ask her to toss a muffin and the contents of the cash register into your cup—it’s no big deal since she’s already giving you the free coffee, right?
Second, I’m sure—painfully sure—that you were told on more than one occasion that you’re very charming and persuasive. But let’s just clear things up: you’re a big boy now. You’re in the real world, and the same idiot “logic” that persuaded a drunk 17 year old to drop her pants at a kegger is not going to get you anywhere with sober adults. Particularly sober adults in the service industry who see a thousand idiots like you on any given day, and have long since ceased to be impressed.
So please, bro. Grow up, get over yourself, and learn how to treat people. I’ll even give you your first two lessons for free:
1) the proper way to finesse workers at a restaurant always involves cash and/or knowing the owner.
2) trying this bullshit at anyplace without a tablecloth just makes you look like an even bigger jackass than you are. Which, frankly, I would not have thought possible.
*Various coupons and a kind of awesome travel cup.
**This, by the way, is why Dunkin’ Donuts is a million times more awesome than Starbucks and always will be. On Starbucks free coffee day, you get one dinky cup of plain ass flavored Starbucks house blend if you show up between 10 and noon—a time when most of their customers are working. On free iced coffee day, you can walk into Dunkin’ Donuts at any hour, ask for a free iced coffee, and they’ll ask you if you want flavored syrup in it. Plus you get various coupons and a kind of awesome travel cup.
18 comments:
I know the teachers at my son's school were very excited when that Dunkin Donuts opened up. I can remember the last time I thought it was funny to harrass waitresses/convenience store clerks/fast food employees...I was a sophomore in high school. It just isn't funny.
Dunkin Donuts rocks my world. Cinnamon! Munchkins!
And yes. Guys who call each other "bro" might not realize that normal people who aren't on TV shouldn't do that.
Thanks for the writing!
...and now I can't get The Proclaimers out of my head.
DA d-DA da, DA d-DA da...
I love the t-shirt. I do think that those dudes are annoying, and it is a shame that a good percentage of them don't grow up unless some woman kicks their asses.
Things are bad enough being a retail clerk, but having to deal with brainless assholes only makes it more difficult.
Everyone has had to deal with them at one time, the dimwits who scratch and adjust their "package" while in any public venue, then want to pick a fight with you to prove their manhood if they see your look of disgust or hear your comment.
Oh wow, that guys sucks! I bet he's never even had a job before to know what it's like.
I hate these guys. I think we could have done a world of good by blowing up the frat houses and the Business Administration building at the U of (I can't remember what you call our fine, fine undergraduate institution). That would have gotten rid of a chunk of them at least.
Wow. I would have been biting my tongue so hard so as not to say something to that douche. What a moron.
ugh! anyone who uses the word "bro," or it's retarded cousin, "brah," deserves to be shot. and certainly deserves NO free iced coffee.
Bro and Brah are so nineties. The new term is "broseph."
I know SOMEONE who's not getting invited to the pan greek semi formal this year. And you can just forget about becoming Sorority Sweetheart. We'll give it to someone who's, like, less hostile and stuff.
C'mon bros, let's make like shepherds and get the flock out of here.
I worked PT in a bar for about a decade. The only folks who got a free drink out of me (and there were MANY MANY MANY) were the ones who didn't ask for one. The moment you imply that you are entitled to something for nothing, is the moment its decided that you're not.
they should be hunted down and forced to wear that t-shirt. in pink.
The last time I referred to a friend as "bro," and meant it, was 1977 - I was in 3rd grade, and "White Shadow" was a hot show on TV. My best "bro" and I thought we were pretty hot shit referring to eachother that way.
On a separate note - I have this fantasy - it involves the contents of the Meatnormous sandwiched awkwardly by a split Berry Berry doughnut - might need two to make it work... hmmmmmmm
I don't know which is worse...the alpha jackass or the beta suckass. Both are fairly jerksome.
cuff: hell, I was very excited when that Dunkin' Donuts opened up. It may be a mile walk, but that's still better than nothing.
dagny: Mmm. . .Munchkins. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
i-66: we do what we can.
ma: a woman, a boss, whoever. It's about 6 years overdue for these dudes, at the least.
gunn: yeah, the world just operates so much better if everyone's polite to and respectful of one another.
scarlet: I got the impression that the dudes were coming from something joblike, but it may well be the first. And it probably doesn't involve any personal interaction. I hope.
kelly: those are some of their breeding grounds, yes.
mg!: if the strawberry jelly dripping down my chin hadn't destroyed my credibility, I would've been hard pressed not to speak up.
kt: you should have to pass a "non lameness" test before getting anything comped.
rcr: despite my disdain for both bro and brah, I do love me some broseph. Does that make me a hypocrite?
hin: meh, I'm too old to drink jungle juice in a cocktail dress anyway.
freckled: that is well and succinctly put. Perfect.
lt: I would love that--it's like Sherrif Joe Arpaio making the inmates in Phx wear pink boxer shorts.
chris: even I--even I--think that sandwich sounds like the worst idea ever.
chimmy: it's a tough choice: the beta bros will probably grow up a bit faster because they don't get the same encouragement for their assholiness.
Our Friday payday bagels from Panera were substituted for donuts from DD. Sadly, no Berry Berry in the bunch.
*Sigh. I miss Dunkin Donuts. We don't have them here in Vegas and being a born and bred New Englander Dunkin Donuts is in my blodd and SO MUCH BETTER than Fourbucks.
Maybe I should open a franchise...
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