New England is neither new nor England. Discuss.

So I'm back, folks! The kid safely survived 7 days in New England--the longest I've ever spent north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Some things about New England:

1. On the plus side, I don't seem to be allergic to New England the way I am to North Carolina (no kidding--the second I cross the border into NC, my eyes puff up and I stop breathing. Do not want). On the minus side, I woke up every morning with inexplicable bruises on my legs. My theory? Puritans were sneaking into my room at night and beating me in my sleep, presumably with quaint handcrafted brooms and while chanting "Hah-lot! Hah-lot!"

2. On a similar Puritan related note: Dear New England, your blue laws suck. I've had many drinks in many parts of this fine land of ours. Never before have I seen a waiter physically remove drinks from peoples hands once service hours ended (Fortunately, things stopped just shortof him chanting "Drunk-ahd! Drunk-ahd!" and beating us with brooms as he did so).

3. Less Puritan (and I can't believe I forgot to get a picture of this): a vending machine that had all the usual suspects (overpriced chips, 6 packs of Oreos, cheez crackers with peanut butter) and there, right next to the 8 Twizzlers for 75 cents, was a row of plain white boxes with a label that said "CONDOMS."

Insert inevitable sex and candy joke here.

4. I often think that if I'd grown up in New England and a library like this one (left) had been part of my education, I would be at least twice as smart as I am now. At the very least, I wouldn't have had to look up the spelling of "Puritan" before writing this post.


5. Seeing old friends = awesome.


6. Making new friends = awesome.


7. However, not all New England-type people are equally awesome. While I met a few who made me spontaneously declare that "I just want to stay here and marry him and have adorable madras clad New England babies who play sports I'll never understand, like squash," there were also a few--and I, even I am saying this, people--who lived up to the stereotype of being insufferable snobs.


I got a bit snippy with them, but I resisted the temptation to start drawling and spitting.


Well, the spitting part, at least.


8. New England also has the Official Donut of the Boston Red Sox at their Dunkin' Donuts locations. After speculating about it for a week, I finally bought one for the trip home. Looking at it, I intoned "Oh, Official Red Sox donut, don't disappoint me."


To which my Mysterious Travelling Companion replied "wouldn't it be in the nature of the Red Sox Donut to be disappointing?"


In the ensuing fit of laughter, I choked a little on my Official Red Sox donut. Insert inevitable Red Sox/choking joke here.


9. The picture at right is of a giant silver statue of the Virgin Mary we saw as we drove back through Delaware. Say what you will about New England, at least they have the restraint to steer clear of giant silver religious statues, unlike the rest of this country.


In fact, I get the feeling that if you tried to put up a giant silver religious statue in New England, the locals would beat you with quaint handcrafted brooms, presumably while chanting "Idol-ah-tahs! Idol-ah-tahs!"