Get it? GET IT??????Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, my friend Jebus was all “o hai, stop writing about girly stuff like cable TV and food, and write about something I know about. Like college basketball. Jebus commands it.”
And I was all “screw you, Jebus. I don’t know anything about college basketball. And when was the last time I listened to any of your commands*?”
And it’s true. I don’t know anything about college basketball. Despite having done my BA and MA at a basketball school, and being currently affiliated with a university that thinks it’s a basketball school**, I don’t know the first thing about college basketball.
But then GSR invited me to be part of some March Madness bracket challenge on ESPN.com. And while I don’t know the first thing about college basketball, I do know that I love brackets. Brackets are like a perfect synthesis of two of my favorite things: symmetry and gambling. And I’ve actually had fairly good (albeit dumb) luck with them. I tend to make my choices on such ridiculous grounds that when they win, I end up being the only one who has them. And then I take all the money. And then I laugh and I laugh and I laugh.
So I thought I’d share with you the reasoning behind my first round picks, so that you could have the benefit of my wisdom. It’s going to take awhile, because there are like ninety teams involved.
So we start in the EAST.
1. North Carolina vs. Play-In-Winner. On the one hand, I’m allergic to the entire state of North Carolina. On the other, I’ve never even heard of Play-In-Winner University, and frankly, I doubt that such a school exists (if they do, and they currently need someone to teach contemporary American fiction, they should ignore that statement and give me a call). So I’m going to choose North Carolina.
2. Indiana vs. Arkansas. Arkansas’ mascot is the Razorback. Indiana didn’t accept me into their graduate program back in 1999. Arkansas it is.
3. Notre Dame vs. George Mason. I’m Catholic. I have to root for Notre Dame. It’s totally in the Bible, or the Pope decreed it ex cathedra (which is when he’s infallible, for you Protsies out there) or something. So I shall cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame.
4. Washington State vs. Winthrop. I’ve never heard of Winthrop. It appears to be in South Carolina. While I’ve never been to South Carolina, I kind of assume I’m allergic to it. On the other hand, it doesn’t make any sense for Washington State to be in the Eastern Division. And I hate the Pacific Northwest. Winthrop gets this one.
5. Oklahoma vs. St. Joseph’s. St. Joseph’s is a Jesuit University outside of Philadelphia. Their mascot is “The Hawks,” and judging from their website it seems like their slogan is “The Hawk will never die!” So it’s not just a hawk—it’s a magical immortal hawk. Oklahoma is where the wind goes sweeping down the plains, and so forth. Their teams are called the “Sooners,” and I’ve actually heard of them. So I’m going with Oklahoma.
6. Louisville vs. Boise State. I’ve actually been to the Louisville campus. It has horrible architecture and is depressing as hell, but I gave a really good paper and got to stay in an awesome hotel. And their mascot is the CARDINAL. Conversely, Boise State is in Idaho, a state I always get confused with Iowa. Louisville.
7. Butler vs. South Alabama. Butler reminds me of Jeeves & Wooster, even though I know Jeeves was technically a valet. Butler.
8. Tennessee vs. American. I’m going with Tennessee. Why will become clear with time.
Moving on to the. . . MIDWEST
1. Kansas vs. Portland State. What the fuck. Why aren’t the Pacific Northwest teams in the Western division where they belong? Even though I hate the state of Kansas, I’m forced to root for Kansas on principle.
2. UNLV vs. Kent State. A priest I know used to be in charge of the UNLV Newman Center, so we’ll go with UNLV.
3. Villanova vs. Clemson. Villanova is in Pennsylvania. Clemson is in South Carolina. Neither of these is in the Midwest. A former colleague of mine teaches at Clemson. We’ll go with Clemson.
4. Vanderbilt vs. Siena. Never heard of Siena; had a brief dalliance with someone who went to Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt it is.
5. USC vs. Kansas State. Southern California is about as non-Midwestern as you can get, but I’ve used up my Kansas quota for the year. USC.
6. Wisconsin vs. Cal State Fullerton. When I was but a restless infant prepping for what would evolve into a lifetime of insomnia, my parents used to walk me up and down to a record of Big Ten marches. So I say On Wisconsin! On Wisconsin! Stand up Badgers, Sing!
7. Davidson vs. Gonzaga. Never heard of Davidson; my Confirmation sponsor and one time close friend went to Gonzaga. When I moved to DC, she dropped me like a ton of hot bricks. Or something. Also the Bad Ex went to a local school of the same name. Let’s go Davidson!
8. Georgetown vs. University of Maryland, Baltimore County. I have a recurring nightmare where I end up as an underpaid adjunct at UMBC, and all my students call me hon, and after years of talking about what a lame mascot “the Turtle” is, I’m stuck with the far lamer “Retrievers.” Hoya Saxa, baby.
And then there’s the. . .SOUTH
1. Memphis vs. Texas-Arlington. I sodding hate the state of Texas. Go Memphis!
2. Mississippi State vs. Oregon. Srsly? Oregon? Not the South. Pretty much the opposite of South, in fact. Mississippi State.
3. Michigan State vs. Temple. (Crickets). This is reason #710 why I don’t follow college basketball. Neither of theses schools are even remotely in the South. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Your brackets make no sense. Temple. Call it an homage to Faulkner if you must.
4. Pittsburgh vs. Oral Roberts. Ugh. Pittsburgh.
5. Marquette vs. Kentucky. Kentucky is actually in the South, and I actually know a LOT of people who went there/are currently going there. And they’re the Wildcats. They’re the wrong Wildcats, but still. Go Wildcats.
6. Stanford vs. Cornell. A California school vs. an Upstate New York School. In the South. Sigh. Stanford.
7. Miami (FL) vs. St. Mary’s (CA). I had a nightmare one time where a friend of mine told me he had brain cancer while wearing a really ugly Miami sweatshirt. It was a football sweatshirt, but still. St. Mary’s.
8. Texas vs. Austin Peay. Austin Peay. . .ok, just look at their website, and you’ll know why I’m rooting for them. I heart the little jumping guy.
Finally. . .the WEST
1. UCLA vs. Mississippi Valley State. Again with the geographical shenanigans. UCLA.
2. BYU vs. Texas A&M. This is like Sophie’s choice. . .if Sophie had two kids she didn’t like at all. Um. . .BYU.
3. Drake vs. Western Kentucky. My ex-roommate dropped out of Drake, and he’s the most successful person I know. Western Kentucky.
4. San Diego vs. Connecticut. Connecticut. Just to be contrary.
5. Purdue vs. Baylor. My frequent reader in Crawfordsville went to Purdue. The midget JAG guy went to Baylor. Purdue.
6. Xavier vs. Georgia. Georgia fans entertain me by woofing at each other before they’re even properly introduced. And they have a big slobbery dog for their mascot. And it's by far the tastiest state I've ever encountered. Xavier, on the other hand has the unfortunate distinction of sharing a name with the girls Catholic high school in Phoenix, where all the girls I knew were drug addled and totally whorey. Go Dawgs! (is that right?)
7. Arizona vs. West Virginia. Like you have to ask—Harvard of the Southwest all the way. Bear Down!
8. Duke vs. Belmont. I’ve never heard of Belmont. They look nice. Whatever. Duke—just because I’m supposed to hate them and my refusal to do so makes my students’ heads explode in an entertaining fashion.
So there you go--now go out and make yourself some money.
* Except as found in the LOLCat Bible. Because who can resist the logic of Matthew 5:39-48: if bad kittehz spank u, turn otehr cheek. if bad kittehz take ur fir, give ur tail. if dogs chase u 1 mile, run 2. if u makes a cookie 4 some1, doe not eated it. Ceiling Cat iz liek "wuv ur BFFz, hate bad kittehz.” but im liek "wuv bad kittehz 2." u r all Ceiling Catz kittenz. Sun shines on good kittehz and bad. Also rain :-( if u wuv only ur BFFs, u can not has cheezburger. even teh IRS d00dz do taht! if u iz liek "oh hai" 2 only ur BFFs, wtf? only n00bz do taht. b k00l liek Ceiling Cat.”
** But really isn’t, because when the men inevitably get shut out of the tournament or lose in the early rounds, people suddenly start pretending they actually give a fuck about the women’s team, because it’s not really about basketball or school spirit or sportsmanship. No, it’s about anyone who will win and give us the chance to burn shit down.
22 comments:
I can't even face the bracket this year, although I totes appreciate your support of my Dawgs. (The men's b-ball team couldn't play their way out of a paper bag while I was there, so I've never developed any passion for them. And Maryland isn't even in it? SHAME! Burn!! BURN!!!)
And thank you for exposing the evidence of geographical idiocy run rampant in our fine nation.
Well, I have to speak in defense for Maryland. I would rather say something like we've had a rough patch, but one that I think is the "curse of the barn burners." Jebus punished bad sports. And Clemson, which is in no way, shape or form a basketball school is in the tournament. So it's just as capricious as the BCS bowl championships in some cases.
I won't explain about the brackets and the directions. I'll leave it to on of the dudes.
You hate pretty much every state I've ever been associated with. My life must seem pretty tragic to you. What are your feelings about Alaska?
Davidson is in North Carolina, so your allergies should be kicking up. My grandfather went there, so I'm all for Davidson.
Selecting Clemson means that you are a great American. That is all.
This is by far the most amusing way I have seen someone choose their bracket! Well played. It will be entertaining to see how you fare throughout the month of March.
No, picking Clemson means you are supporting a group of people who cannot pronounce the letter "N." Nothing wrong the Turtles missing the tourney this year.
You can blame time, progress and inclusion for the brackets' geographic silliness. In the olden days of yore, the only teams that made the tournament were conference champions. The tournament only expanded to 64 teams in the mid-80s. Before that it was 8, then 16, then 32 and 48 teams. So the geographic bracket system dates to a time when there were only a few teams from each region. Hence you could keep them in the same bracket. Currently teams from the same conference cannot be seeded to play each other in the first weekend. Hence they have to spread the teams around.
Just because Maryland didn't go the totally gay route of naming their court is no reason to rip on the Terps. Let's ignore the totally gay named football field though.
What troubles me the most is that your bracket isn't all that far off from mine, and I follow college basketball. Maybe I should just go with your method and save myself a boatload of time. Honestly, if not for your seething hatred of the state of Texas, we'd be right there.
Claven-How does Clemson fandom = inability to pronounce the letter 'n'?
"Winthrop" sounds like something an old man would cough up while sleeping.
The geographical sorting of the bracket might be (and potentially less irritatingly) thought of as where those particular games are played and not necessarily describing the origins of teams playing there (except for the number one overall seed, everything else matters on all sorts of things: seeding, conferences brethern in the dance, location of school).
But even that falls apart when the East has games in Denver, the Midwest in Tampa, and the West in Tampa and D.C.
Well, at least the get-to-go-to-the-final-four games are regionally accurate (West - Phoenix, Midwest - Detroit, South - Houston, East - Charlotte).
Perhaps "bracket 1, bracket 2" or "bracket red, bracket blue" would be a better way to go?
I get Ohio mixed up with Iowa. Both have 3 syllables and 4 letters consisting of 3 vowels and 1 consonant each.
Brackets are like a perfect synthesis of two of my favorite things: symmetry and gambling.
These do go together like peas and carrots.
You put a lot more thought into your brackets than I did. My only aim is to not place last among 7.
Fall of 1994 I was at a game in Death Valley. The Clemson fans in each section of the stadium yelled out a letter at a time to spell "Clemson." However the N people (that just sounds horrible) overpronounced yelling out something like "EEEIENNN!" This happened several times during the game. I wasn't even drunk at the time, so I remember this with great clarity.
megarita: Maryland is in the NIT--the "Not Important Tournament," as it were. Again. A. GAIN. When will people stop believing that their presence in the playoffs is a given, and realize that they BLOW, and that the times they have not BLOWN have been total flukes?
m.a.: I would argue that it's less that they've had a bad patch than that they had a good patch right before that. That was the anomally; this is not. Again--not that anyone really cares, because they're just looking for an excuse to burn shit.
reid: I actually would've liked NC if I'd been able to stop sneezing and crying for any ten minute period during the four-ish days I spent there.
bb: well thank you.
anon: The one thing you can count on is that I never do "ok." I either bomb out early or take the whole thing; no middle ground.
claven: while I appreciate the clarification, that just means that they need to abandon the practice of calling the regions geographically. Call them after where the tournaments are going to be held that year--the way they do bowl games or Spring Training leagues. Tournament games played in Florida are in the "Citrus Bracket;" those in AZ can be the "Cactus Bracket;" games in Atlanta can be in the "Peach Bracket;" DC can be the "Freedom Bracket;" etc. If it's not tied to geography, don't call it as such.
And I'm not down on Maryland because they didn't name their court; I'm down on them because they BLOW, and every year it seems to come as a huge surprise to them that they BLOW, even though BLOWING is something they should be well used to by now. Everyone reacts with shock "whaaa? we're not in?" No, assholes. You're in the NIT. Again. Get used to it. Find another excuse to destroy property--that's the only thing you care about anyway.
daniel: hm, maybe I'll fare better this year than I have recently, then.
bb: I was going to ask the same thing.
arjewtino: or an adorable moosh faced cat, like Winston on fourfour.
alot,alot: I could go with red bracket, blue bracket.
sci: I sometimes get Ohio confused with Iowa and Idaho as well. It's the O/I vowel combination, I think.
dc: yeah, that's secretly my goal too.
claven: have you ever tried shouting a long drawn out N (which, per your schema, should be EN)? The dipthong occurs naturally as you elongate the E.
Claven-Ah, I can see that. Like the first time a girl next to me in class asked if she could borrow "my pin for a second." I said I didn't have one. Then she pointed to my pen.
Teh Jebus: (s)he approves. (Especially if you continue to back Kentucky.)
For the record, the Jebus does not whine: to say otherwise would be blasphemy. (Or at least emasculating.)
Peeps: hi-larious!
I think the lot of you have far to much time on your hands.
Christ, Jordan, I need to be drunk to read this.
bb: you're more indulgent of him than I am.
teh jebus: I think I have them for a fairly long way. I remember I have Wisconsin winning in the end, but I can't remember all the steps it goes through to get there.
gunn: quite likely.
cube: interestingly, I was two apple peep-tinis gone when I wrote it.
You're right to not know where Belmont is. In fact, I didn't know where Belmont was until late in my junior year of college.
What makes that unusual is that Belmont is actually located only like 3 blocks away from the school I attended (Vanderbilt).
When they started making the tournament yearly, I asked my old roommates (who all, again, went to school 3 blocks from Belmont), if they'd ever heard of it. Only about half of them have...
Oh, and thanks for picking my beloved Commodores (at least in round one).
anon: you're quite welcome.
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