Top Chef: Listen, all a' y'all, it's SABOTAGE. . .or not.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bull
Shit. Fucking monkey bullshit.
Ass biting bullshit.

Let me clarify for you why I’m so pissed. Months ago—months ago—someone on the TWoP Top Chef spoiler board said that Chicagoist had leaked reports from someone who lived in the Chez Chef Chicago neighborhood, who’d said that “the curly haired girl” and “the guy with the beard” made it far.

Naturally, everyone assumed Andrew was “the guy with the beard.” Because, you know. . .he can cook. But now Andrew’s gone, and the only guy left with a beard?

Well, technically, it’s Richard, since we learned last week that he’s married. To a woman. But I’m guessing that in the more traditional sense, they’re calling that mangy bit of unkempt reddish vadge stubble that pollutes Spike’s chin a “beard.”

I am not pleased.

*Anyway. Morning. Typical getting ready “blah blah the competition is getting harder” nonsense. Richard is fatigued; Stephanie plucks her eyebrows; Spike repeats his oh-so-clever line about Dale being a bitch. Um. .. Pot? This is kettle. Tu eres negro. Andrew says that he has fire in his stomach and threatens to stab someone. Good morning to you too, sir.

* Quickfire! And Sam is there. Let me say—I was the only straight woman in America who didn’t find Sam sexy during season 2. The typical combination of tall, dark, brooding, and asshole that I normally find so attractive was cancelled out by his gross, greasy, longish hair and his headband. Blearrrgh. Now his hair is short, and less . . .moist looking. . .and I’m willing to admit that he’s attractive.

* Padma instructs the chefs to “put sexy back” into the salad. Dear Padma—two summers ago called. It wants its lame ass catchphrase back. Anyway, they’re supposed to make the signature salad for this millennium in 45 minutes.

* Cooking montage. Spike wants to make a salad that screams “lets have sex after we eat this salad.” In other “waaaaah?” news, Lisa interviews that some people who are still there have personalities that suck. Um. . .Pot? This is kettle. Vous etes noir. After this baffling exchange, I go and bang my head slowly against a wall for the rest of this challenge.

Time is called, and Stephanie doesn’t get her artichoke chips down. Padma and Sam go around and eat the salads. Andrew has made “Thai Fruit Salad” out of mangoes, strawberries, raspberries, and Sriracha dressing. Spike has douchily prepared a “Sensual Beef Salad” with pineapple, radish, cucumbers, and skirt steak. Lisa has made a “Sexy Banana Salad” out of grilled squid, lobster, bananas, and Yuzu vinaigrette. This gets my VOM award for the quickfire, and Sam and Padma agree.

Stephanie has prepared a “Fall Duet” which I assume would’ve been a “Fall Trio” if she’d managed to get her artichoke chips on the plate. Anyway, it’s pear vinaigrette with poached pears and marinated artichokes. Antonia represents for the ladies by getting my NOM award for the quickfire with her “Poached Egg and Wild Mushroom Salad” which has bacon vinaigrette and squash blossoms. It’s like breakfast, but a salad. To round things out, Richard has prepared a “Fresh and Clean” Ceviche of fruit and vegetables, and Dale has made a “Poached Chicken Salad” with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinaigrette.

* Sam announces that his bottom 3 are Richard, Steph, and Lisa, and his top 3 are Spike, Antonia, and Dale. He gives Spike the win, and in doing so sacrifices his burgeoning hotness.

* Padma then announces that their Elimination Challenge is to create a gourmet, healthy boxed lunch for Chicago police and cadets. They must have a lean protein, a vegetable, a fruit, and a whole grain. This will become important later.

* As winner of the quickfire, Spike gets a 10 minute head start on his shopping. And he’s allowed to pick one item per food group that only he is allowed to use. Douche. Steph interviews that he’s the worst person to have this advantage because he’ll pick things just to fuck everyone over.

* Aaaaand. . .he does. He picks the worlds most boring ass ingredients: chicken breast, tomatoes, bread, and lettuce—and douchily gloats that the others can “have fun making a lunch box” without those ingredients. Um. . .Spike? It might be moderately challenging to make a box lunch without those (if you’re an asshole with the culinary imagination of a four year old—and clearly YOU ARE), but to my knowledge, lunch boxes are made of metal or plastic.

(Gaze—gaze in wonder, children—at the very Dukes of Hazzard lunch box that I once toted my Yoplait custard style yogurt, two Pepperidge Farm cookies, and nice piece of fruit to Montessori school in. Yes, I am old.)

* Anyway. Andrew points out that Spike picked out “dumbed down” components, and everyone else proves this right by shopping on the fly and picking stuff that’s way more interesting and delicious. Fuck you, Spike.

* They do their prep, and we learn that the Popo will have to microwave the lunches themselves. The chefs had two hours to cook and are making some interesting stuff—Andrew’s making sushi, Dale is cooking BISON (nom nom nom nom), and Spike is making a totally revolutionary. . .chicken salad.

Let me explain how much I hate chicken salad: It sucks. I have eaten it twice in my life, both times by accident when I thought it was tuna. Chicken salad tastes like cat food that the cat hacked up its hairball into for a little added texture, and then ran the whole thing through a very coarse chopper before rolling it in a delightful mixture of sawdust and celery. So fuck you, Spike. Fuck you and your chicken salad and your fucking pubey-ass beard.

* Eventually, Lisa finds out that her rice has been turned up to high. She yells SABOTAGE!! But Stephanie more calmly says that she thinks it was mistake, and Dale believes that she’s just trying to cover her own ass.

*Ten minutes! Packing Frenzy! Commercial!!! Hey, don’t forget to vote for fan favorite, Bravo’s utterly meaningless $10,000 Miss Congeniality prize.

* We return to the show on some shots of Police cadets exercising, which is way less yummy than it seems like it would be. The officers look over the offerings.

* Richard asks everyone if they like burritos. Spike douchily interviews that Richard is cheesy. Um. . .pot? This is kettle. Tu sei nero. Spike also douchily “hides” all but two of his meals and tells the cops that they’re going fast. They’re not. He also doesn’t hide them terribly well, since they’re sitting on top of the cooler behind him. Asshole.

* The judges enter, and we get the dish descriptions. Steph has made Mushroom and Meatball soup with barley, veggie puree and yogurt. The cops and the judges both seem to like it. Spike has his cat vomit—or rather, his open faced chicken salad with pita and raw veggies. The judges correctly point out that this is pedestrian as all hell.

Dale gets my NOM award for the elimination challenge with his Lemongrass Bison Lettuce Wraps with brown rice and herb salad. The cops like it; the judges like it but feel that it needs heat. Antonia has made curried beef with jasmine rice, and berries and figs with grape syrup. The cops love it; the judges are more reserved. Andrew has a Salmon Roll with pine-nut-parsnip “rice” and pickled ginger wasabi. The cops are split; Padma finds it strange, and the judges point out that there’s no whole grain.

Richard has a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa in a rice paper tortilla. Ted dubiously says that it tastes better than it looks. Gee, thanks Ted. We finish off with Lisa, who has made a shrimp stir fry with brown rice, and berries with Greek yogurt. The judges think it’s too spicy and that the rice is bad. As the cooks leave, Dale says this is the first challenge where he hasn’t been able to pick clear winners and losers. The judges confer briefly, and we learn that Sam comes from a family of cops. Sam’s fledgling hotness has returned.

* Judge’s Table. They call back Dale and Steph as the top. Holla! Dale is praised for his choice of Bison as a substitute for beef, while Steph is told her soup is well seasoned. Dale is declared the winner, and gets a bottle of Rutherford Hill merlot and 2 tickets to their winery in Napa. Dale points out that he’s now 5/20 for wins. I assume he’s counting team challenges and quickfires? I’m too tired to count.

* They send back the losers: Spike, Lisa, and Andrew.

* Andrew is told that his dish was not substantial, not hearty or satisfying, and not a good choice for cops. Also, it didn’t taste good.

* Spike is asked why he made chicken salad, and he says that it wouldn’t scare the cops. Dude, they’re cops. In Chicago. They have to deal with that creepy homeless dude who hangs out under the overpass down by the Billy Goat Tavern—they’re not afraid of food. Tom then accuses him of picking his ingredients not for his benefit but for the detriment of his competitors. Which, if you stretch your memory back 40 minutes, is absolutely true.

* Then all hell breaks loose. Tom asks about the combination of olives and grapes—just when you thought chicken salad couldn’t possibly get worse—and Spike douchily replies “it’s salty and sweet, what don’t you understand?” He then douches on about how while the judges have educated palates, surely his dish was good enough for the common man.

*Nikolas Cassadine, who is actually a Greek/Russian Prince, is here to remind Spike, the Greek/Douchebag asshole, that it is incumbent upon nobility to respect and look after ones’ people, not to disparage them in public and feed them shitty chicken salad.

*Anyway, Tom points out that at least four of the dishes were better, and Spike douchily and stupidly replies “in your opinion.” Tom accurately points out that his opinion is the one that matters. That he doesn’t say “so fuck you, you fucking fuckface. Go home and cry to your mommy” is greatly to his credit.

* We finally get to Lisa, who is told her dish was not a stir fry; that her long beans and shrimp were “pretty raw;” and that her rice was uncooked. Lisa then plays her SABOTAGE card. And then she throws Andrew under the bus for not having a whole grain in his meal. Andrew says that he lost his rule sheet, and he and Lisa fight.

* Stew room. Antonia says Andrew is freaking her out, and Spike douchily tells her that she’s “in the middle” so she should shut up. Fuck you, Spike.

*The judges deliberate, and agree that SABOTAGE is no excuse, because everything—not just the rice—was bad. Spike’s food was boring as hell and thrown together, and Andrew had no grain, was arrogant, and didn’t deliver to the customer. They announce that they’ve reached a decision and it’s UNANIMOUS, and I go to commercial thinking that Lisa’s going home, but hoping that I’m wrong and it’s Spike.

* But no. It’s Andrew. And I can only say—are you fucking kidding me? Anyway, Spike whines about how he has no more buddies in the house. Shut the fuck up, asshole. A) you’re still here, and you sure as hell have no business being. B) you have no buddies, period. Doucheface. Andrew gives a weird creepy exit interview about how he’s never speaking to these people again—except Spike. Ugh.

* Next week! Working the line in some very sweaty diner! Restaurant Wars! Tension!!!