Top Chef: Oh Nikki, you're so fine/but you should've grown a spine/ Hey Nikki!

(hey--it worked for Ricky)

Arrivederci
Over-manicured eyebrows
Nikki packs her knives.

Last night’s episode of Top Chef was SUPERSIZED, and in honor of that, I have 14 pages of tipsily scrawled notes to wade through, so let’s get a move on.

* Morning at Chez Chef Chicago. Spike is crying, so Andrew humps him. They miss Mark, and are working their grief out through tears and gay sex.

*Antonia comments on how this is the first time four women have made this far in the competition. One of the things I’ve noticed this season is that they’ve been fairly conspicuous in offing-people in girl-boy-girl-boy order. Which means that either this is a girl’s week to go, or this is the week they finally shake shit up. I’m going with the former.

* Quickfire Challenge! Tom is there, and Padma announces that this week they’re bringing back two favorite challenges from the past. She also announces that from this point on, you won’t get immunity for winning the Quickfire. D’oh!

*Anyway, the quickfire is the Mise en Place Relay Race, aka the challenge Hung dominated last year by breaking down chickens at an ungodly speed. So the chefs split into two teams. Team Fork is Antonia, Andrew, Richard, and Steph. Team Spoon—which you might as well call “Team Fucked” just to get it over with—is Nikki, Spike, Lisa, and Dale.

*The legs of this years relay are as follows: peel and supreme 5 oranges; clean and turn 2 artichokes; clean a monkfish and cut it into two filets; and make a quart of mayo. Team Fork divides up the tasks easily; Team Fucked argues for awhile and Dale bitches about how no one wants to make the mayo.

* So the relay starts with Lisa vs. Antonia on Oranges. Lisa wins by two oranges, and Spike douchily starts on Team Fucked’s artichokes. But he douchily breaks his second artichoke, giving Antonia time to finish her oranges and allow Andrew to whip through two artichokes in no time. So it’s pretty much a dead heat going into monkfish. Monkfish is Richard vs. Dale, and though Dale’s filets are sloppy, the round is again a virtual tie. So it’s down to Steph vs. Nikki on mayo, and Steph completely busts Niki’s ass.

* Team Fork is declared the winner. This is where we have the moment from the preview where Dale punches the locker and yells “FUCK!,” thus establishing the leitmotif of this episode: Dale sucks and is a sore loser. The locker looks busted, yo.

* Padma announces the elimination challenge. . .or rather she announces that there’ll be no restaurant wars this year. Everyone is bummed. . .but then they find out that they’ll be in WEDDING WARS!!!! instead. They stop being bummed and become freaked the fuck out instead. Probably they're having traumatic flashbacks of the Season One Wedding episode with the two grooms, Scott and Scott; the bad banquet hall food; the insane wedding planner judge who planned Katie Lee Joel's wedding; Katie Lee Joel; and the cake made from boxed cake mix with eggshells in it.

* We then meet J.P. and Cory, who will be getting married TOMORROW! They’re also restaurateurs who run a wedding venue, so they know their shit. Each team will cater to half the wedding’s guests—125 guests per team—one according to the bride’s tastes and one according to the grooms. They each get $5000 budget, 14 hours that day/night to prep in the kitchens, and 2 hours of onsite prep the next day.

* Team Fork is allowed to choose who they want to work for since they won the quickfire challenge. They choose the bride, since it’s her day. Spike douchily interviews that this was a stupid choice. He thinks this because he’s a misogynist, and expects Cory to be a bridezilla.

* Padma tells them they’ll be working through the night. This is where Andrew’s “culinary boner” from the previews comes up. . .no pun intended. FYI, Andrew’s culinary boner ran away with last week’s “most disturbing” contest, garnering twice the votes of the nearest competitor, Nikolas Cassadine’s gigantic man nipples.

* They met with their clients. J.P. is Italian, and likes bruschetta and crostini, white fish, and either a German chocolate or a chocolate hazelnut cake. The bride is Southern, and likes fried chicken, steak, and bleu cheese.

* The Bride’s team (Team Fork) works together nicely, discussing the merits of fried chicken on a buffet and the possibility of a phyllo wrapped pulled pork. If they’d done this, it would’ve gotten my NOM award for the evening. The Groom’s team (Team Fucked) is a mess. First, they put their faith in Nikki because she’s Italian and bonded with the groom quickly. This sounds to me less like an endorsement of Nikki than a possible trouble spot for the bride. They also all hate each other, which is always a recipe for both fun and success.

* One hour to shop. Stephanie & Antonia from Bride/Fork and Dale & Lisa from Groom/Fucked go to Restaurant Depot, while Richard & Andrew and Spike & Nikki handle Whole Foods. Dale grabs a giant log of parmesan. Spike, the douchebag, doesn’t know what rapini is. It’s broccoli rabe, asshat. Richard says he’s supposed to be in charge of the flowers because of his pink shoes. Uh-huh.

* They return to the Top Chef Kitchens at 9 p.m. for their 14 hour prep.

* The Groom’s menu includes assorted flatbreads and bruschetta for the appetizers; a buffet that will include tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheese, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass, and orecchiette with ragu. That sounds like a lot of fucking entrees. The cake is chocolate hazelnut—which, if it goes well. . .nom nom nom nom nom. It would be like a cake of Nutella and happiness.

* The Bride’s menu has pizza, pulled pork sandwiches, and short ribs and bleu cheese in phyllo dough as the appetizers. I’m forced to retract my previous NOM here only because I HATE bleu cheese. It tastes like gym socks. Not that I’ve eaten gym socks. Anyway, their buffet is much more manageable, consisting of a crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach, and a potato gratin. Their cake will be dark chocolate and lemon. Make it dark chocolate and orange and I'm in.

* Prep montage. Richard is committed to the wedding food not sucking. Antonia says that peeling potatoes makes her feel like she’s in the army. I go “Whaaaa?” at this comment. Lisa and Dale bitch about Nikki’s unwillingness to lead, and Dale is additionally frustrated by the fact that Spike is a slacker. And, because it can’t be said enough, a douchebag.

* 11:15 p.m. Fatigue starts setting in.

* 2 a.m. Andrew has never made creamed spinach before, and describes himself as “Popeye’s wet dream.” Aaaaanad.. . .we have a new contender for the “most disturbing” title.

* Lisa feels like Dale is being half assed, because he’s doing a lot of work but he’s not doing it well. Spike realizes that he needs to put his signature on one dish so he’ll have something specific to claim at Judge’s Table when Team Fucked inevitably loses.

* 4:17 a.m. Nikki makes pasta and is concerned that Dale’s ragu isn’t really ragu. She and Lisa bitch about Dale not being a team player. Dale bitches about Nikki not wanting to take responsibility.

* 5:33 a.m. Everyone is tired.

* 7:33 a.m. Tom shows up. Dale is so tired he can’t even remember what he made when Tom asks. Tom warns them not to dumb down their cooking just because it’s “wedding food.”

* Tom interviews that the Groom’s side has it “easier” because it’s Italian food. He also says their cake—made by Lisa—is ugly. He thinks the Bride’s side has to be delicious because it’s so simple. He calls them a strong team, but points out that strong teams have “gone down” before.

* 10:33 a.m. Steph, who is making the bride’s cake, is transporting it in layers.

* Commercial! Tonight’s survey: which chef annoys you most—Dale, Lisa, or Spike? For me, Dale redeems himself from having skills in the kitchen. The other two are a pretty close contest.

* Time for the wedding! The bride looks like Casey from Top Chef 3, and is walked down the aisle by her mother, who is wearing a smart reddish suit. The groom’s mother is wearing ivory, which is seriously tacky. You don’t wear unrelieved white/off white to another woman’s wedding. It’s just not done.

* The guest judge for this round is Gale Gand of Tru restaurant in Chicago. Steph interviews that she’s nervous about making a cake for the top pastry chef in the city. History would tell us her nerves are merited.

* The passed trays start going around, and we’re treated to the WTF moment of the night. The bride tells two random wedding guests “I used to say. . .’I wish he loved me the way I love him,’ and then all of the sudden, one day he did.”

Pop quiz: This statement is a) more information than I need about these people and their relationship; b) rather awkward sounding; c) kind of sad sounding; d) all of the above.

You remember how multiple choice tests around here work, right kittens? The answer is always d.

* Anyway, everyone seems to like Team Bride’s appetizers, though the pulled pork gets called out for being messy.

* On Team Groom, Spike bitches about how the crostini are too thick and it’s all Dale’s fault. We then get a montage of the guests doing exaggerated chewing, and more “messy” comments.

* Buffet time! On Team Bride, Antonia interviews that she and Richard are working the front; Stephanie is the runner, and Andrew is in the kitchen because he’s not allowed to speak with the guests. Antonia is SMART. On Team Groom, Dale complains about how he’s making ALL the hot food.

* Reactions. The Bride’s Team’s filet is served with both a horseradish creme and a red wine sauce. This is like Sophie’s Choice for me until Richard tells a woman he recommends having both, and then it gets my NOM for the evening. The chicken is dinged for having sat too long, but everything else gets raves.

* On the Groom’s Team, we here that the pasta is too sweet, the ragu is good, and the food is unoriginal. I wonder who wins?

* Cake time! Stephanie’s is 5 layers covered in fondant and fresh flowers. Lisa’s is brown, short, and very square, but it looks tastier.

* Judge’s Table is preceded by a montage of everyone yawning. Spike then “give[s] it up” to “the two ladies that made cakes.” Nice try, douchebag, but I think you mean the two ladies who made cakes.

* Team Bride is called back and asked why they chose the bride. Richard replies that he did because he’s married, and knows that weddings are the bride’s day. Wait. . .Richard is married??? To a woman????? This is very confusing to me, so I pour myself another drink.

* Andrew is dinged for both his chicken and his spinach, but Team Bride wins nonetheless. Stephanie is praised for her cake; Antonia for making the better of the 2 teams’ pizzas; and Richard for his “perfect” brisket. Richard wins for his all-around excellence, but he gives the win to Stephanie. She is rewarded with a $2000 gift card to Crate & Barrel. She then tells Richard they should share it. This is the best moment in Top Chef history. I could nom this moment.

* Team Groom is then sent in and told that they are losers. Lisa hears that her cake was better tasting, though uglier than the Stephanie's. Everyone else talks about what they did, and Nikki denies that she was “in charge” of the menu.

* They’re told that they had too many dishes and some just didn’t taste good. Particularly: the pasta was bad, the meat was bad, the horseradish sauce was bad, and the bruschetta was bad.

* Dale talks about how much he hustled, and Spike challenges him to point fingers. The two of them then basically whip their cocks out and measure them for about twenty minutes. Anyway, the judges liked Spike’s sea bass, and they send the group back to stew.

* The judges deliberate. Spike made a good fish, but that’s all he made. Dale did a lot of work, but his work wasn’t good. They blame Nikki for the fact that the food “wasn’t very Italian,” and that she didn’t take the lead.

This perplexes me. Did someone on the other team take the lead? This show's attitude toward leadership is so inconsistent. If you agree to be the leader and control things too much, you go home. If you agree to be the leader and don't exercise enough control, you go home. If you say "hey, man, I am not the leader," but the judges--for any reason, whether clear, bizarre, arbitrary or in this case, slightly racist-ish--decide you should have been the leader, you go home.

* Then there’s a conversation in the stew room about how you become “that guy” when you throw people under the bus at Judges’ Table. Hm. . .wonder who they're talking about. . .

* Commercial! The votes for “most annoying” are in. Dale wins with 46%; Lisa gets 39%; and Spike earns 15%. Are you blind and deaf, America?

* Anyway. The judges call them back and knock off Nikki. She hugs a lot of people, and all I can say is that it’s about damned time. She’s been mediocre since day one, garnering a lot of praise sometimes for her handmade pasta, but bombing out on everything else. Also, her voice is the aural equivalent of Quaaludes, and her eyebrows are a tragedy.

* Next week! Sabatoge! Sam*?! Police cadets! The return of Ted! And Andrew goes crazy. . .as though that represents a change in any way.


* We’re told the guest judge for the quickfire is “tall, dark, handsome and can cook.” Harold is not tall. C.J. is not dark. My money’s on Sam.