Top Chef: Take a hike, Spike

Douchebag, Douchebasket,
Douchenozzle—No More! Pack Your
Chin pubes and go, Spike.

Kittens, let me try to explain. I missed the initial broadcast because I was at a baseball game, and my parents don’t have a DVR. I would mock them for this, but they didn’t have cable, period, until a year or two back. I’m trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

It was rerun at 6 p.m. Thursday, but my parents are Midwesterners, and they think that’s an appropriate hour for dinner. Then there was a 9 p.m. rerun, which clearly wasn’t happening because it interfered with LOST, and a few in the middle of the night which I couldn’t watch because hello, sleeping. There were NO reruns Friday, and the show didn’t go up on the YouTubes until late Friday evening.

So I just watched it on my laptop, sitting in bed. It made the whole thing slightly surreal, and kind of loud because I’m using my earbuds. And I can’t help but feel I would’ve enjoyed Spike’s ouster a lot more if I’d seen it Wednesday night, and not heard about Scallopgate and so forth in the interim, but you’ve got to play the cards you’re dealt.

Anyway. Apologies. On with the show.

* We open for the last time on Chez Chef Chicago. It is morning and everyone says a lot of predictable shit about being nervous and or excited, and how there have never been this many women in the final five before.

* Quickfire. They’re taken to Allen Brothers’ Meats, where—after first putting on a shitload of USDA mandated protective gear—they are told to cut 7 “Tomahawk Chops” from a rack. I am soooo 1/64th offended by this challenge. Then they have to French the bones. Now I’m even more offended. The only way this challenge could be more against my people is if they were told to WOP the meat with a mallet, baste it in a Limey Scotch sauce, and serve it over Kraut, with sides of Irish potatoes, Belgian waffles, and Welsh rarebit. And then Padma and Tom would fight over who was paying for it, and eventually agree to go Dutch.

Look, it’s late, alright?

* Anyway, they have 20 minutes to do this. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers “were butchers, so there seems to be a little strain of butchery in me.” Only if you spell “butchery” with an “i,” twatmonster.

* After a severely boring montage about steak cutting, they’re taken back to the kitchen where they meet guest judge Rick Tramonto. The next leg of the quickfire challenge is to prepare a Tomahawk (grrr) chop for Rick. He wants it medium rare. There’s another montage featuring various forms of steak prep, and then Tramonto goes around and checks everyone’s steaks for how well they’re butchered, and their done-ness. He doesn’t even taste them, which I think is kind of bullshit. I mean, I realize that the challenge was about precision and temperature, but personally I’d rather have a slightly underdone steak that tasted good rather than a steak that was perfectly cooked, but using inferior methods.

* In the Bottom on this challenge: Stephanie, because her butchery was not clean and her steak was cooked a bit under; Richard, whose butchery was inconsistent and whose steak was also cooked under.

* Proving that this is the Bizzaro World Challenge, the Top group consists of Lisa, with a good chop and a well cooked steak; Spike for his amazing butchery (bitchery) and “nice cook”; and Antonia for her great crust and perfect cook.

* The winner is Spike. Boooooo. He’s told he’ll get to make a “really important decision that can be the difference between going on and going home.”

* Padma then explains the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be entrusted with Rick’s restaurant, Tramonto's Steak and Seafood, for a night. Each of them will prepare 1 appetizer and 1 entrée using ingredients that they find in Tramonto’s kitchen.

I have to say, for a season that’s been kind of heavy on bullshit challenges (block party, boxed lunches, tailgating, weddings), this is an excellent conclusion. This challenge tests their abilities to be chefs in a fine dining restaurant—which is what most of them do/aspire to do, and what the real world job of a Top Chef entails. This is not, as Tom used to be fond of saying, Top Caterer, or Top Tailgater. It’s Top Chef. It’s nice to see them doing that at last.

* Spike is told that he’ll get first pick of the proteins to use in the challenge. Lisa foreshadows that she wouldn’t want to make that decision, because you could end up regretting it. . . .dum dum DUMMMMM!!!

* Dinner at Chez Chef Chicago. Spike goes douching on about his grandfather’s spirit being with him in the butchering challenge. I know what you mean, man. My grandfather was a boxer, and every time I’m tempted to punch some taintbiscuit like yourself, I feel his spirit coursing through me. Spike also talks about the competition being a battle of the sexes, and says he’d like to see Antonia go home. This proves that Spike hasn’t seen the show yet, and as yet has not realized that Antonia is actually talented, while he and Lisa are both failures as human beings and woefully inadequate as chefs.

* Time for the challenge. Spike gets 5 minutes to pick his proteins. He picks the Steaks of Tears for his entrée, then he says he had his mind set on using scallops, so he pulled the frozen ones.

* Precious closed captioning moment where Richard whispers to Stephanie “He’s taking those f***ing frozen scallops?” Also, I should take this opportunity to congratulate Richard and his wife--his female wife--for having created at least one of those "little Blaises" Richard yearned openly for in the cooking with kids episode: they had a baby girl, who probably already owns her first pair of pink crocs.

* Lisa then interviews that she’d initially wanted scallops, but noticed that they were frozen and looked really bad, so she changed her plans. Here is the first reason Lisa deserved to stay instead of Spike: she has the ability to adapt to situations. She chooses shrimp and New York Shrimp.

* Everyone else chooses their proteins. Antonia has a bone in rib eye and a shitload of vegetables; Stephanie has sweetbreads and tenderloin; Richard also has sweetbreads, tenderloin, and hamachi.

* Lisa says she’s making a peanut butter mashed potato to accompany her steak, which just sounds like a world of VOM. Richard is doing a twist on vitello tonnato. I react to this news by having a violent flashback to a dinner at Komi shortly after my concussion, when my date asked me what vitello meant. In my brain-addled state, I slowly translated it as spring. It’s not. It’s veal. I still have nightmares about that sometimes. I’m secretly convinced it’s why we broke up a month or so later.

* Lisa then has her SABOTAGE!!! moment of the night, when she complains about Antonia’s open fire being too hot. “Tryin’ to sabotage me?” she asks. No, sweetness. No one has ever tried to sabotage you. You fuck up consistently enough on your own without needing any help.

* Spike thaws out his scallops and notices that they’re torn and soaked. He blots them with paper towels. To me, that sounds like a recipe for scallops con lint, but whatevs. The most disturbing moment of my day Friday was realizing someone had come here via a search for pictures of Spike shirtless. Compared to that, linty scallops sound like heaven.

* Tom does his walk through, which is uneventful except for the fact that he—like any sane person—expresses skepticism over the p.b. potatoes and the frozen scallops. He then tells them that he’ll be expediting for them that night, which means he’ll coordinate the timing of the service. They’ll have 60 guests, including Rick, Gail, Padma, and 3 VIPs.

* Spike douchily says that Tom’s skepticism has gotten into his head, and that it’s ironic that he got an advantage and it bit him in the ass. You say ironic, I say karma, let’s call the whole thing off.

* Tom introduces the 3 VIPs, who are the previous Top Chef winners—Harold, Ilan, and Hung. My love for Harold is well documented, and while I wasn’t nuts about Hung during the season, he’s an amazing chef. Plus, the motherfucker made a smurf village. Ilan can crawl in a hole and die—which, actually, is what he seems to have done since his post-show career has pretty much been squat.

* Tom asks if they have any advice. Harold tells them to “cook your style; be true to yourself.” Hung reminds them “you’re here to win, not be fan favorite.” My plan was to sarcastically write that Ilan tells them not to assault anyone, and then reveal whatever he really said, but he thwarts my plan by actually kind of saying that when he tells them “don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.” Hahahah, oh Ilan, you're so clever and funny. In the Bizarro World.

* The Judges enter and order a tasting menu of everything. Mmmm. Tasting menu.

* Beginning with the appetizers, Lisa serves Grilled and Chilled Prawns, Lemon Zest and Tomato Salad, and Crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar; Padma and Rick like the lemon. Richard is next with his Hamachi with Crispy Sweetbreads, Radish, Avocado, and Yuzu. Everyone loves it. Spike douchily serves Seared Scallops with Hearts of Palm and Oyster Mushrooms. He thinks it’s delicious, but Harold complains about its acidity, while Ilan says it tastes dehydrated. Harold adds that it’s not texturally interesting.

Nikolas Cassadine is here to chortle gleefully at Spike’s failure, even though he knows that doing so is behaviour unbecoming a Prince.

* Stephanie’s appetizer is Sweetbreads with Golden Raisins and Pine Nuts. Harold finds it impressive, but wishes the pine nuts were toasted. Hung loves it, and Gail says it has everything that Spike’s was missing. Antonia is last with a Mushroom and Artichoke Salad, Poached Egg, and Bacon Vinaigrette.

* Now, in the comments to the last post, Bridal Bird asked “Because I am a troglodyte who does not have Tivo I was unable to go back and confirm, perhaps someone else can: when Elan tasted Antonia's poached egg salad, did he make a vomit motion/actually vomit?” And he does make some sort of violent head/hand motion. I hope it’s a sneeze, but the editing totally makes it look like he’s chucking.

You can see it at minute 6:56 here. I watched it four times.

* Moving on to the entrées. Richard has prepared a Beef Fillet with Potato Puree, Turnips and Pickled Brussels Sprouts. Harold says that it works if you put it all together, and Padma snarkily/awesomely says “then put everything together.” Ilan finds it a project.

* Lisa goes next with her New York Strip Steak in Apple Caramel Sauce, Peanut Butter Mashed Potatoes and Green Beans. Rick LOVES the mash, but Ilan finds the beef underseasoned and Hung’s meat is tough. Spike then sends out his Racially Insensitive Chop, Sweet Potato Puree, Brussels Sprouts, and Cipollini. Ilan thinks the meat would be better without the baggage, while Gail says the puree was too sweet. Ilan then rivals Spike for both douchiness and colossal lack of self awareness by pouting “this is the episode before a finale. BLOW my mind.” Shut the fuck up and die, Ilan.

* Stephanie’s entrée is a Beef Tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce. Padma finds it gorgeous, Hung hearts it, and Harold wants to finish the whole dish. Finally, Antonia serves a Bone in Rib Eye with Fennel and Cipollinis. Ilan finds himself falling in love with the fattiness of the meat, while Rick really digs it. I would NOM either of these without hesitation

* The challenge over, we join the chefs in the stew room. Lisa makes a toast about how they’ve all been through a shitload and all rocked these challenges. Remind me again which challenges you rocked, sweet tits?

*Padma calls back everyone.

* At Judges Table, Richard is praised for his appetizer but dinged for the entrée. Stephanie gets props from Tom on her composure, and Tramonto loves her sweetbreads, but they ask a few questions about her entrée. Gail tells Lisa she loved the lemon on the shrimp, but would’ve preferred it warm. On her entrée, they tell her her technique needs improvement. Antonia gets praised for both courses.

* And then there’s Spike. He’s told that his meat was cooked well, then they call him out for choosing the scallops. Tramonto says he never should have picked such a lousy product, and then Spike douchily retorts that Tramonto shouldn’t have such a shitty product in his walkin.

This has since turned into something of a brouhaha. Briefly: Spike called having the scallops on hand "trickery at its best." Tramonto blamed the Bravo producers for “planting” the scallops in his kitchen. Tom clarified that Allen Brothers provided all the proteins, and they’re the ones who put the scallops in the walkin. You can read all about it at amuse biatch—it’s actually more fascinating than a pissing match over who’s responsible for bad seafood has any right to be.

* The chefs go back to the stew room, and Spike says he can’t believe he said that, and doesn’t know where the comment came from. From the shallow depths of your douchey soul—the same place that makes you threaten to strangle women and call Dale a bitch, perhaps?

* The judges deliberate, and the real discussion is whether Spike or Lisa should go. Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite, but Spike put less work into his meal.

* The chefs are called back, and the winner is: Stephanie! Yayyyy!!! She gets a copy of Tramonto’s newest cookbook, and some GE appliances. Richard and Antonia are told that their appetizer and entrée (respectively) were the favorites. These three all get to go to Puerto Rico. They’re sent to the other room where they relax and celebrate.

* Tom points out that Lisa has been in the bottom 5 times, while Spike has been in the bottom 7 times. Just for some perspective, there have been twelve episodes. How in hell did either of these people make it this far? Anyway, Lisa’s not ferocious; Spike makes bad choices; Spike must go. Final-fuckin’-ly.

* To celebrate Spike’s exit, Nikolas Cassadine will do a shirtless dance for you.

* Next time: Puerto Rico! Bands! Dancers! Lisa has a new haircut! I will doubtless make a lot of West Side Story references, especially if someone makes lousy chicken.

(Oh. . and the recap will probably be late-ish again. . .because I have baseball tickets. Not this late, though. I promise.