Top Chef: Congratumalations Stephanie!

Least surprising end
Of Top Chef. Dude, I called it.
Go, Steph, Go! Yay, Steph!

Chilluns, let me explain something. I thought long and hard before the TC finale—not about what I would say; not about how I would integrate Nikolas Cassadine into the mix despite his seeming irrelevance (he's wearing a tux because the finale dinner was formal)*. . .

. . .but about what I’d drink while watching.

The best cocktail I made all season was the Pink Puppy of the Film/Food episode. A Pink Puppy is 1 shot vodka; 1 shot Hendricks; 1 tsp powdered sugar; and 3 shots pink grapefruit juice.

I decided to make aversion of it for the finale, but between miscalculating how much would fit in the glass and. . .so many other things, I ended up with a cocktail I call the Big Red Dawg (and then I took a picture):

1.5 shots Ketel
1.5 shots Hendricks
1.5 tsp powdered sugar
1.5 shots pink grapefruit juice
Splash sweet, sweet, grenadine

Anyway. After two sips I was well and truly tanked. And I took some pictures. So forgive the fact that my notes began with this:

(1st line of Lisa’s Haiku: Fucking Bronze Medal)

. . .and get drunker from there.

*We begin in the morning in Puerto Rico. The finalists have brunch and Stephanie interviews about how there’s never been a female Top Chef. Richard interviews about how he has everything to lose, and can’t get over “how Lisa is still [t]here.” Lisa tries to frame herself as the loveable underdog.

EPIC FAIL.

* Padma and Tom greet them with what Steph describes as “Three Good Chefs”: Eric Ripert, April Bloomfield, and Dan Barber. Um, Steph? I heart you, but that’s kind of like saying you saw them with three “good actors:” Larry Olivier, Rickie Burton, and Katie Hepburn.

* Lisa gives an interview bragging about how she knows who all three chefs are. Me too, Assface. Lookie lookie, Lisa. A brokeass blogger “who can't even afford to eat in my restaurant, let alone know how to cook**” knows as much about famous chefs as you do! Woo-hoo! I’m Top Chef!


(and then I took another picture)

* Their Final Challenge: create a traditional 4 course tasting meal—fish; poultry; meat; dessert.

* Steph is surprised that dessert is required. Steph, sweetie. . .I know I called you as the winner on day one, but. . .have you watched this show?

* The famous chefs will be their sous. Each comes with his/her own batch of yummy proteins.

I then tried to write down what the proteins were, but between the Big Red Dawg and Eric Ripert’s accent, I was fucked from the word go.

* Anyway, the chef with the most Elimination Challenge wins gets to choose which chef they want. BUT: It’s a dead heat (4 each) between Richard and Stephanie.

* For this guy’s sake, I’ll remind you at this point that Lisa has won one Elimination Challenge. For making bacon. Nom nom nom nom nom.

Anyway, they draw knives to see who goes first. Richard, ever the gentleman, lets Stephanie draw first. Stephanie draws #1. Richard looks baffled that the universe has been so fucking cruel.

Steph, like any sensible person, chooses Eric Ripert. Richard chooses Dan Barber. This leaves Lisa with April Bloomfield, but she claims she’s excited about the girl power. Lisa? Posh Spice called. What she wants—what she really, really wants—is her late ‘90’s catch phrase back.

* Padma gives further instructions. Their dinner will be a black tie event for 9 diners. I automatically start guessing: Padma, Tom, Gail, Ted, Bourdain, and. . .? They have 3 hours that day and four the next; all courses will be served head to head.

* * Prep montage! Lisa’s concept is flavors of Thailand and Vietnam. April is shocked because she’s not used to doing Asian. Lisa thinks they have similar personalities. If there’s one thing I vaguely remember from the last time I went within spitting difference of a math class (1998), it’s that two negatives (multiplied) make a positive. I am now worried.

* Richard’s concept is his journey (barf)—classic training and molecular gastronomy. Barber is adorkable—there’s no other word for it.

* Stephanie’s plan is to show her style and her flavor concepts. Ripert likes Stephanie’s direction, and then he says a lot of other hot but heavily accented stuff.

* Prep montage!!

* Richard starts playing with liquid nitrogen. He’s making. . .TABASCO ICE CREAM to go with oysters. Let me tell you—I’ve eaten oysters once (I’m from the desert, yo) and vomited for hours afterward, but I’d eat them again in a heartbeat if they came with Tabasco Ice Cream.

(Partly because I love Tabasco, and partly because—turn your ears, Ma—I had mad sex after eating those stupid things. Like remember it two years later sex. Like remember having to lie to mg! about the illogical location of my tights three days later and not caring because the sex was so filthy dirty floor/chair/couch/bed/take off your tights in such a hurry that you only find them three days later sex)

Ladies and gentlemen—the Big Red Dawg!!!!

Anyway. All the famous chefs watch like excited kids. I hit pause because even the thought of oysters has me noticing that Eric Ripert is a total silver fox. I absolutely want to mount him.

* Lisa says her food will be better because she gets along with April. I decide that Lisa is one of those people everyone gets along with at first—remember her awesome beef dish with Steph in the film challenge?—and then hates more as they get to know them.

Secretly, I fear I am the same sort of person.

* Next Day! No sous chefs! Tom arrives and tells them that from this point on, they’re on their own. They will live and die by their own hands.

* I deduce that the 3 sous will be 3 more of the 9 diners.

* Everyone scrambles.

* Lisa’s menu will reflect her personality: “big, bold, spicy, sweet, salty, sour.” She forgets foul, fetid, paranoid, and humorless.


Mmmm. . . .humorloess prawns. Glaaaarrrgggghhh. . .

* Richard previews his menu. He’s doing the banana scallop. . .AGAIN. . . .which worries me. But—BUT!!!!! He’s doing it with. . .

BACON ICE CREAM!!!!

Let me show you how excited I was about the bacon ice cream:
Big Red Dawg! Voiced by John Ritter, y’all.

* Steph is still nervy about her dessert.

* Tom does his walkthrough. He’s surprised by their attitudes, because Richard is excited, Lisa is confident, and Steph is nervous.

* Two hours left!! Richard uses nitrogen for his bacon ice cream. Steph hates her cheesecake. Lisa—seeming kind of nice in a socially awkward tomboy sort of way—tells Steph that every time she says something sucks she wins. Aw.

* 21 minutes! Guests arrive! They are: Tom, Padma, Gail, Ted, the three sous (seriously, I could eat Eric Ripert), Alfredo Ayala and.. . . Tim Zagat.

Fuck. Me.

* First course. Lisa serves Grilled Prawns in Chili Sauce and Crab, Homemade Potato Chips. Steph has Red Snapper, Truffled Clam and White Asparagus Broth, and Asparagus Salad. Richard has a Scallop with Mango and Pineapple Vinegar. I’m not a fish girl, but Steph gets the NOM for this course, just because she makes the only dish that won’t make my throat swell and make me die.

* The judges love Rich, but think he needs to simplify; they like Lisa’s texture but think her sauce is too strong, and think Steph’s was elegant, delicate, and the best. Yay!!!

* Second course. Lisa has made Tom Khe Ghai Soup with Dumplings. Stephanie serves Seared Quail Breast over Loster Ravioli with Mango Lobster Sauce and Quail Egg. Richard presents “Which Came First?” Guinea Hen, Foie Gras, Chicken Egg, and Spring Vegetables. Lisa's soup gets my NOM, mostly because I hate Quail Egg and am not a fan of game birds.

* The judges find Richard complex, but find the elements of the dish hard to distinguish, and think he thought more about the technique than the flavor. They think Lisa’s soup is delicious. Gail, April, and Zagat all love it. For Stephanie, Ripert loves the quail. My notes then say “Ted > lobster.” I don’t know what that means. Ted is greater than lobster. Could a lobster have written The Food You Want to Eat? No. Ergo, Ted > lobster. Anyway. . . Tom hates the leeks, and Gail piles on about their relevance. Tom looks perplexed about Gail having an opinion.

* Third course. Lisa serves Waygu Beef with Chayote and Cucumber Salad, Hot Sauce and Garlic Chips. Stephanie has made Lamb with Maitake Mushrooms, Braised Pistachios, Blackberries and Olive Tapenade. Richard has a dish that he’s either calling “Viva Bacon” or “Be The Bacon”: Pickled Radish with Mirin Broth and Pork Belly. Steph gets my NOM. While I came to lamb late in life, I am totally in thrall to it.

* The judges: Ripert says that Rich’s radish was “borderline genius,” which is pretty good for a radish. Lisa’s has nice flavor, but is not tender. Her sauce is sweet, but like the prawns. They love the olives and lightness of Stephanie’s. Gail loves it, and Ripert says “Is the first time ‘ere, at ze table, everyone eez usin ze word ‘I love.’ We ‘aven’t ‘eard zat yet.”

I watch this segment five times.

Tom says that Richard’s needs work, Lisa’s was pedestrian, and Steph’s was full of surprises and “worked.”

* Fourth course! Lisa makes Black Thai Rice Pudding with a Lime and Mango Crème, Taro and Coconut. Stephanie has made Ricotta Pound Cake with Tropical Fruit and Banana Crème. Richard has made Banana “Scallop” with Bacon Ice Cream. Despite the repetition, I give Richard my NOM. BACON ICE CREAM!!!

* Judges. Gail asks what’s Lisa’s “. . .chip. .. .issue?” But Adorkable finds it exciting; Zagat (!!) thinks its wonderful; and April says it grew on her. Adorkable also thought that Richard’s worked. As for Steph, Zagat (!!) thinks it’s nothing special. Ripert says it’s undefined.

* They all come out for applause, and Padma thanks them.

* Judges Table. Richard hopes his first course was successful, but Padma found his scallops unseasoned, and Tom says it was bland. Tom says that Lisa’s prawns were “assertive,” and Ted liked the chips. Stephanie wanted her dish to be springy, and everyone loved it.

* Second course. Richard could’ve left out the foie, and Gail found it muddled. Lisa likens her dish to chicken noodle soup, and Ted says it blew everyone away. Gail adds that there was much slurping. For Steph, Tom reiterates that he doesn’t know what the leeks were for, and that they were crunchy.

* Third course. Ted says Richard should have seared the belly. Lisa’s is decried as too sweet. Ted says something good about Steph’s, but I’m distracted by something that’s wrong with his brows. It’s like there’s an overwaxing issue or something. Ted! Come to DC! See my lady!! Tom says it was full of surprises.

* Fourth course. Tom liked Richard’s, but Padma calls him out for dish repetition. Padma and Tom both say Lisa’s was delicious, and Steph’s is called “a miss.”

* Do they have any last words? Weeeell. . .Steph feels that her failures come when she second guesses herself, and she second guessed the dessert. Lisa feels she deserves this, and has the qualities to be Top Chef. Richard feels like he choked.

And the judges all go: “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah?’ like Moe

* Deliberation. Gail is shocked by what Richard said, but Tom agrees with him. They then do a kind of meaningless poll on which course was best from whom. The only notable moment is when Ted Allen asks “When are Ben & Jerry’s and Haagen Dazs and Breyers gonna come out with bacon ice cream?” TED!!! TED ALLEN!!! WATCH THIS SPACE!!!!!

* ZOMG. So bombed.

* America has voted! 60% say Steph FTW; 36% say Richard; 4% say Lisa. Like I said: even a blind monkey could call this season.

* Results! The judges had a tough decision, but made their call based on what they’d eat again. Padma says: Stephanie. . . . . . . . . . .you. . .are Top Chef!

* The four sous from last week and Antonia come out to congratulate her. Lisa gives a swearing interview. Richard gives a tearful interview. Cheer up, Blaise: you’ve got a beautiful daughter***, and I’m totally coming to your restaurant if I’m ever in the ATL (outside the airport, that is). Stephanie does a jig and cries. And so ends another season of Top Chef. Nikolas Cassadine says “Au Revoir, Kittens! It’s been grand!!”

Next Week: REUNION! This can only be awesome.


* I will point out that he came in a VERY CLOSE third in last week’s poll. So suck it, Lisa. Even a guy whose culinary experience is limited to saying “Cook makes an excellent French Toast” on an ABC soap beats you.
**mad props to spoonieroonie and everyone else who e-mailed/g-chatted/TWoP personal messaged me about that item.

***Thanks to Carol for the blog of baby Blaise pics. Perhaps Riley Maddox can be on Top Chef Jr? No, I'm not fucking kidding.