Top Chef: This Little Piggie Went "Wee Wee Wee Wee" All the Way Home

Al dente beans and
A single plated grey mess
Antonia goes home.

Kittens, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of outraged things to say about Lisa staying while Antonia went, and as usual you’re welcome to leave them all in the comments.

BUT. If we go by what Tom Colicchio consistently claims and judge the cheffies only on that evening’s dishes? It was the right call. Her food sounded boring, it looked grey, and apparently the flavr was not so gret, actually.

Not that I’m going to love looking at Lisa’s mug for another week either, but come on, chickie. It’s a finale, and you made sausage and undercooked beans. No dice.

(BTW, remember how I said the recap would be late? Here’s a shot of why you’re getting it in a timely fashion:

The definition of "hot" is horizontal lightening cutting the sky above that scoreboard. Plus, you know what that means, right? You know what I’m doing today, right? Doub-le Head-er! [clap, clap, clap clap clap])

* Anyway. Back to the beginning! We open with zesty Puerto Rican music with lots of castanets. Stephanie is shown in the airport, and tells us that she’s been traveling in Asia. Antonia opened a restaurant, and Richard merely says he’s focused and pleased to see Antonia and Stephanie, but no one expected to see Lisa in the finale. So far, we haven’t seen Lisa in the finale, so no harm no foul, right? She eventually appears without half of her hair or a significant interview.

* They’re whisked off to some beachside location with Padma and about 30 million plantains. She introduces their guest judge Wilo Benet, who Richard says embodies Puerto Rican cuisine. He’s also kind of a Tom Colicchio doppelganger, which confuses me at a few key points in the episode. On the other hand, I bet this episode is totally popular with the bear community.

* Their quickfire is to make two friturras (beach fritters) using plantains. Steph hates plantains. I’m with her. Lisa has worked with plantains a lot and is not nervous. They’re given forty minutes to prepare.

* Steph makes tostones with seared tuna, and a pork/shrimp fritter with brown butter, lime and basil sauce. Antonia has prepared crispy oysters with cilantro plantain jam—which gets my first VOM of the evening—and fried yellow plantains with spicy slaw. Lisa has also made tostones with pan roasted duck and mango papaya salsa, and a sweet plantain, red onion, and chorizo fritter with chutney slaw. Finally, Richard has made pork meatballs with ripe plantain sauce and green plantain chips with ripe plantain salsa.

* The bottom two are Antonia, who is told that she needed more integration of the plantain rather than just the proteins, and that her jam was slimy. Richard is told that his meatball was dry and that his raw plantain salsa “has a raw taste.”

I’ve been so warped by LOLS that I immediately thought:

* The top are Stephanie and Lisa. Wilo says he loved Stephanie’s tostones, and that her portions were good. He also tells Lisa that he loved her tostones, but that her meat should’ve been smaller. All I’ve learned from this is that Wilo Benet loves tostones and is possibly kind of a size queen. Anyway, Stephanie wins. Yay! It's her first quickfire win. Double yay!!!!

* Then they’re all invited to a party with music and a pig on a spit. They party semi-reluctantly, because they’re all nervous.

* The next day, they’re all taken to La Fortaleza, the private residence of Puerto Rico’s governors. Tom is there, though it’s not until he starts talking that I realize that it’s him and not Wilo. Too many bald dudes spoil the broth, Bravo. Anyway, he tells them that for their elimination, they’re going to be throwing a garden party for 100 VIPs and chefs. They have to use a WHOLE PIG to create at least two dishes.

Prepare for an onslaught of NOMs to be unloosed on you. I heart the pig. I heart him in all of his many wonderful forms. I heart him as bacon and as sausage; I heart him pulled; I heart him jerked and barbequed; I heart him as ham; I heart his shoulder and his butt; I heart him as chops and loin and ribs and . . .oh, so many ways. Never have I hearted anyone or anything as fully and completely as I heart the pig. I’m so pleased to see him getting the starring role he has long deserved.

* Tom tells them that they get help, and brings out Dale, Nikki, DoucheSpike, and Andrew. Lisa interviews that she doesn’t want to work with Dale or Andrew.

* Then. . .THEN!!!! Steph learns that she gets to ASSIGN THE SOUS CHEFS since she won the quickfire. A lesser person (cough*Spike*cough) would use this as an opportunity to screw her competitors over; Steph says she’s going to try and pair people who work well together. To this end, she takes Dale for herself since she’s known him for 10 years. She gives Spike to Richard, which seems kind of like giving someone an ugly, annoying, douchey piece of yard art for a birthday present. Antonia gets Nikki, leaving Lisa with. . .Andrew. Thunk. Andrew interviews that he’s going to play with honor and try to help her win.

* They have 30 minutes to plan, then they have to send their sous chefs to shop while they butcher. They’ll have 2 hours prep that day, and 5 hours the next day before the party.

* Planning. Richard floats the idea of using the head and the feet and calling it “Head to Toe.” If I cock my head to the North, I think I can hear Carol screaming “Been There; Done That!” Lisa plans to do Puerto Rican food. Richard thinks that’s a bad idea.

* The sous get $250 and 45 minutes to shop. Nikki doesn’t recognize some products; Andrew makes a jerk of himself by no habla-ing mucho espanol; and Dale teaches us about black plantains. We see mercifully little of Spike. I am pleased.

* Back to the butchering. Lisa blames her problems on the fact that she’s Jewish. Richard calls Spike and tells him to get maltas. There’s mysteriously a pigeon in the kitchen.

* Andrew and Richard both give interviews about Lisa’s bad attitude, and we see her swearing and being demanding. Now, I’m loathe to defend Lisa, and I’m even more loathe to fall back on the goode olde double standard excuse. But quite honestly, I do wonder if Lisa’s attitude would be quite as much of an issue were she a man. I do think it’s notable that the two contestants most frequently called out for generic “bad attitude” (not specific scheming, throwing under busses, weaseliness, etc.) are Lisa and Season One’s Tiffani, both extremely acerbic, demanding women.

For the record, I hated Tiffani, and I don’t care for Lisa. I’m just sayin’.

* But I digress. When their two hours are up, Stephanie interviews that she feels like she’s really organized and has everything ready to go. . .

. . .and as they exit, the camera slowly pans to her rubbed pork belly, sitting on a low, open, unrefrigerated shelf. . .

. . . and my hand flies to my mouth as I suppress a wail of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* They return the next day, and Dale finds the pork belly, sitting out where he'd left it. Steph doesn’t want to use it because she’d rather not poison anyone. Dale interviews that if his mistake gets her sent home, he’ll never forgive himself. “It’s like somebody pulled my heart out and stomped on it. Fuck.” Oh Dale. I love you. Come back to us.

* Then there’s more prep and a preliminary review of everyone’s menus, which I’m not going to bother with because I’ll just give the more detailed ones later. Spike says he’s learned a lot from Richard. Nikki feels like something’s off with Antonia, and indeed, we see Antonia dumping a full pot of overcooked rice and eliminating it from the dish. Stephanie and Dale brainstorm and come up with a chicharrones (crispy skin) salad to replace the pork belly dish. NOM.

* 33 minutes. Stephanie is nervous. Antonia’s daughter told her not to come home if she loses. We go to commercial.

* We come back on them setting up—they have 30 minutes. Spike appears to have purchased a new, extra-douchtastic hat for the occasion. Stephanie is making blinis, which gives me bad flashbacks to the zoo episode. Oh, so long ago.

* The guests and judges arrive. Padma is wearing a STUNNING ice blue Grecian style gown that I covet in the biggest way. Alas, I am too curvy to wear such a thing in the first place, plus I gained a whopping 5 lbs while I was home last week.

(My mother kept serving corn on the cob. Corn on the cob is my weakness—I love it, I smother it in butter, and then I tell myself I can eat as much as I want because it’s a vegetable)

* They start at Steph’s table. Steph serves: Pork Satay on Sugar Cane Skewers with Miso Almond Sauce (NOM); Coconut Braised Pork with Black Plantain Pancakes; and Tropical Fruit and Prosciutto Salad with Chicharrones (NOM). The judges leave, and Steph tells them to “have fun eating lots of pork.” How could you not?

* Richard is next. He has made Fresh Ham and Local Beans; Pressure Cooked Pork Belly with Pickled Watermelon; Pork Ribs with Malta Soy Glaze (NOM); and BBQ Pork Shoulder with Braised Greens and Mango (NOM). He keeps saying various dishes are “an homage” to various parts of his life, but he pronounces it like “Amish.”

* Lisa has made Citrus Glazed Pork Belly with Potato and Plantain Mash (NOM to the belly, VOM to the mash); Adobo Roasted Pork Butt and Onion Tostone (NOM); and Pork Filled Yuca Rellena with Pineapple Mojo (NOM). I count up the NOMS for Lisa and feel very wrong.

* Finally, they go to Antonia’s table. She serves Honey Pork Belly with Pickled Sweet Pepper Salad; Curried Pork with Pumpkin and Yuca; and Pigeon Peas with Pork Sausage. I mean, none of it sounds awful--it's made from pig, after all--but none of it sounds NOM-y either. And it’s all very grey. I’m concerned.

* We get the crowd reactions, which mean absolutely nothing because they give one positive reaction per chef.

* Judges’ Table. Wilo saw originality and thought it was tremendous. Tom loved Steph and Richard, but thought Lisa and Antonia had weak spots.

* Padma fetches Richard and Steph. Yay!!! Antonia is frustrated. Lisa swears.

* Richard gets props for simplifying his food, while Wilo tells Stephanie he loved her satays. The unanimous winner and crowd favorite is Richard, who gets a 2009 Corolla. Hope it has room for a baby seat!

* Lisa and Antonia are sent back. Tom knocks Lisa for going Latin when she’s known for Asian. She’s known for something other than her hideous attitude? Huh. Gail tells her she hated the sweetness of the puree, and that the dishes focused more on the garnishes than on the pig. Wilo tells her the tostones were unbalanced. Nothing chafes Wilo’s hide like unbalanced tostones.

* They turns to Antonia, who immediately cops to undercooking the peas. Padma also had an issue with her serving all three dishes on one plate. Srsly? I have an issue with that too. Three different flavors of grey food melding together sounds unpleasant. Gail says they became indistinguishable. Ew. Nothing like a plate of Grey Curried Sweet Pepper Salad with Undercooked Peas and Sausage. That’s not the way to win.

* They deliberate. Tom says that it all comes down to mistakes at this level, and Lisa made several. Backstage, Lisa says she’s going. The other chefs clearly agree with her. Gail says Antonia’s dishes were unsophisticated, and Tom brings up the single plate thing again. There’s also more about the peas.

* Commercial! Holy cow, Project Runway 5 starts in July. That seems soon. I’m not going to get much of a break (note: I. AM. NOT. recapping Shear Genius. I love it, but I just can’t make hair amusing).

* Poll results. 91% of viewers voted that Lisa should go. Sorry, 91% of voters.

* Back! Tom says they both did B+ work at best. Antonia’s dishes were good, but served on one plate. Some of Lisa’s dishes were memorable, but others missed the mark. Tom says that the real telling point was that one table didn’t attract the crowds.

* And with that, Antonia is told to pack her knives and go. She gives a teary interview about her daughter, and whispers to Steph “kick their ass.”

* Lisa bitches about not being congratulated by the other two finalists. They begrudgingly congratulate her, then Richard awesomely interviews “what did she expect? I don’t understand. You won the fucking bronze medal. Congratulations. There you go.”

HEART!!! Richard, I would nom you vigorously right now, but I think your wife—your female wife—might object.

* Next time! Mimosas! Curve Balls! One of you. . .is Top Chef.