Level One: Merely annoyed by idiot standing on left of Metro escalator.Action: Stare disapprovingly at back of his/her head with lips pursed.
Level Two: Seriously irritated by idiot standing on left of Metro escalator.
Action: Glare angrily at back of his/her head. Grit teeth. Flex fingers around umbrella handle menacingly.
Level Three: Seething with suppressed rage at idiot standing on left of Metro escalator.
Action: As in Level Two, with the addition of fantasizing about saying things like "Oy! Fat Tourist! Stand on the right!"
Level Four: Filled with eye twitching, unsuppressable rage at idiot standing on left of Metro escalator.
Action: Charge around said idiot, lurching dangerously over the suitcase on wheels, stroller, golf bag, or ski equipment that s/he is resting on the right side of the escalator. Turn back slightly and give them death glare.
Level Five: In danger of running late; filled with blood boiling, eye twitiching, unsuppressable rage at idiot standing on left of Metro escalator.
Action: Say clearly "You need to stand on the right, sir/ma'am" in a civilized voice that is completely belied by aforementioned death glare. If necessary, proceed with lurching charge as described in Level Four, above.
Level Six: Already late; filled with HULK SMASH! level rage at idiot standing on left of Metro escalator.
Action: Proceed with lurching charge as described in Level Four, above. As you pass, whip death glare over shoulder and say clearly "We stand on the right here, thanks" to fat tourist who has clearly never been on an escalator in any city in the civilized world before.
Please Note: efficacy of Action with Level Six is lessened somewhat if head whipping death glare causes you to lose your footing as you charge lurchingly past.
8 comments:
Wow, you just described me. Though I usually start directly on Level Five.
"...belied by aforementioned death glare" is a brilliant piece of prose.
Once on the DC Metro, heading down the smaller escalator to a lower level I found myself faced with a woman standing at the top of the escalator blocking anyone from getting on (it was a quiet midday).
I looked over her shoulder to see if something was wrong and didn't see anything amiss.
"Excuse me?" I asked. "Is there a problem?!"
"There's someone already on it!" she responds.
I don't miss DC.
I like to meld Level Five with some good old fashioned New York manners.
After using said civilized voice and moving around you then get on your phone (no need to actually call someone) and say quite loudly in a snark/mocking manner, "ohmygod, you won't believe what some idiot tourist is doing on the Metro". Funzies!
I will never understand why people stand still on the descending escalators, like it's a ride or something. My manner of coping has been to lift my arms above my head and yell, "Wheeeeee..." as we slowly, slowly, slowly, make our way down to the bottom.
Growling as I try to move up the escalators within Boston's T system makes me miss DC. While there are the annoying ones who don't get HOW THE METRO WORKS, they stand out. Because everyone's ready to go all Cyclops on them. But T people are oblivious. And it makes me get beyond aggro.
Therefore, this post made me grin.
You are much kinder than me. I also try to throw a 'bow or two while I storm by.
I usually yell "Stay on your right, you're not in England!!!!" Those idiots hang out at escalators and bike trails. Grrrrrr...
arjewtino: yesterday I definitely kicked in at level five and immediately upgraded.
cliff: oh my god. had she never seen an escalator before?
vittoria: that's hilarious. I'll have to try that.
fk: ok, now I want to do that just to freak people out. Too bad all the down escalators on my route are broken.
victoria: I haven't been on the T in years. I miss it.
lilu: not that I would ever advocate violence, but I'm not responsible for where my arms end up during the lurching charge.
bb: bike trails? Who knew.
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