Top Chef: What a turkey.

"These S'mores are not right"
Papa Bear Tommy-locks said
And sent Richard home.

Oh no! Another gay chef sent home! To quote Bravo's crappy ass first week poll, "how will Team Rainbow survive" now that it's down to a single stripe? Good heavens!

Yeah. Still don't care. And while I'll admit that that's probably due in no small part to the fact that a disgusting cold has decided that my sinuses are the new up and coming neighborhood, and I'm trying to decide whether I should dope myself to the gills and make the hour drive for my once a year family time or just go back to bed, I also think that it's at least partly because there are still too many damned chefs, and this episode was half assed at best. I mean, honestly, we didn't even get descriptions or chef credits on half the dishes.

Anyway.

* Morning! Fabio celebrates his win. Ariane continues to worry about being in the bottom and her nerves getting the best of her. Richard tells us everyone's nicknames/personas: Jeff is "Don Johnson," Fabio is "the cute Italian," and Leah is "the fun flirty one with the nice rack."

Worst nicknames ever.

* Quickfire! Padma wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving, and you see them all doing the necessary calculations to figure out the difference between the day they're standing there, and the air date of the program. Then she introduces them to Grant Achatz of Alinea, who will be their guest judge.

(Before we go any further, since I'm a lazy asshole who never updates her link list, let me just encourage you all to check out Alinea at Home, by the same mad genius who brought you French Laundry at Home.)

The chefs all salivate over Grant Achatz's presence, and Hosea talks about how Achatz is an inspiration to him not only because of his culinary success, but because of the way he's battled cancer. Hosea then adds that his father "came down with" cancer right before he [Hosea] came to be on the show. I've never heard anyone talk about "coming down with" cancer before, like it was the flu or pink eye or something.

* Anyway, the chefs then draw knives from the knife block. The knives all have random numbers on them--168, 188, 47. . . .--which refer to pages in the Top Chef Cookbook (product placement!). They'll have one hour to put their own spin on the recipe on that page. Oooh, I hope someone gets Elia's Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner Waffle!

* There's a food flurry, but then Padma stops them after ten minutes. She and Grant have changed their minds: they want soup. The chefs must interpret the recipes they're working with as soup . . . .using Swanson's Broth (product placement!).

Now I really hope someone has the Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner Waffle. Mmmm. . . bean and waffle soup.

* We return to food flurry, where Carla talks about how you can judge a chef by their soup. Jamie talks about how if she had to make one thing for the rest of her life, it would be soup. I'm trying to convince myself that this soup conversation is a sign that I should stay home and eat soup rather than drive down to the boonies and try to force feed myself 5000 calories of overcooked quasi-Southern Thanksgiving.

* Time is up! The first up is Stefan, who turned C.J.'s Scallop Mousse and Shrimp Burger with Tangerine into a Thai Green Curry Bisque with Shrimp and Scallop Dumplings. You know what would be better? If he could turn himself into C.J.

Ariane interpreted Dale's Colorado Rack of Lamb with Ratatouille and Sauce Vert as a soup of Diced Lamb, Eggplant, Red Pepper and Cous Cous. Daniel changed Betty's Black Forest Ham and Egg Bundle with Corn and Leek Ragout on Rustic Toast into Ham and Egg Soup with Mushrooms, Corn, and Cheese. Richard made Sara M's Chilles Rellenos into Black Bean and Roasted Pasilla Pepper Soup with Rice. Achatz notes that it needs acid.

We move on to Melissa, and before we proceed any further, let me just say on a completely shallow note that I hate her bangs SO MUCH. Anyway, she transformed C.J. and Tre's s Black Truffle and Parmesan Linguine with Kale, Tomato Confit, and Grilled Chicken into Italian Wedding Soup with Black Truffle, Parmesan, Linguine, and Chicken. Fabio has turned Mikey's Trout and Salmon with Lemon-Thyme Cream Sauce and Basil Oil into Mushroom Asparagus Soup with Seared Trout and Salmon Belly. You know what would've been more awesome? If he'd had to turn Mikey's Snicker Cheeto Amuse-Bouche into a soup. That would've been a challenge--reinterpreting famously failed Top Chef recipes to make them work.

Since, of course, we haven't finished our list of 7 million chefs yet: Carla has remade Lia's Olive-Oil Poached Shrimp with Avocado and Cucumber, Lime, and Grilled Pepper Salad as Shrimp, Tomato and Corriander Soup. Leah has turned Hung's Tuna Tartare with Nicoise Olives, White Asparagus, and Egg Vinaigrette into Chilled White Asparagus soup with Brioche, Tuna and Tapenade. And Jamie has revised Miguel's Deconstructed Falafel as Chickpea Soup with Pickeled Chili, Yogurt, and Scallions.

* Padma asks Achatz for his top 3. What, no bottom 3? what's up with this week? Anyway, he says that Jamie's was balanced, Leah worked well with a hard ingredient, and Daniel's had a complete vision. Leah is declared the winner, and she interviews that she finds immunity "awesome" and "nice." In an even more controversial statement, she declares puppies "cute" and "snuggly." Commercial!

* When we return, Padma announces that their Elimination Challenge will be to make Thanksgiving dinner in two teams for some very special clients. Since Leah won the Quickfire, she gets to pick her team. She chooses Jamie, Hosea, Stefan, Melissa, Fabio, and Radhika. That means the other team is Jeff, Richard, Daniel, Eugene, Carla, and Ariane.

* Pamda then shows them a video message from their clients. . . The Foo Fighters! Apparently they're huge Top Chef fans. Who knew? Anyway, the chefs will be making Thanksgiving for them and their entourage, using their tour rider as guidelines. There are more than 60 people in their entourage, and 18 of them are vegetarians. The team that wins will get to watch the Foo Fighters concert, while the losing team cleans up. One member of the losing team will be sent home.

* The teams drive out 490 to Rochester's Blue Cross Arena. One of the Foo Fighters' roadies shows them where they'll be cooking. .. .in an improvised outdoor kitchen with one burner, a bank of microwaves and toaster ovens, and no refrigerator or freezer. Wah-wah.

* The teams do their planning and kind of fight. Jamie and Stefan clash; Jeff organizes his team; and someone has the seemingly disastrous idea of letting Ariane handle the turkeys since she has catering experience. Fabio interviews "if we pull this out, there is no one excuse for nobody in America for don' put out a good meal for Thanksgiving." As of week 3, I declare Fabio's broken English: still not getting old.

* The teams go shopping with one hour to shop and a $1200 budget. They're also at some ghetto looking Rochester grocery store rather than their usual Whole Foods. Leah's team has named themselves "Team Sexy Pants," which is just. .. odd.. . .until you hear that the other team is "Team Cougar," and that Ariane is their mascot. She finds this flattering, which endears her to me a bit. Not that I'm going soft and forgiving her for that lemon mess or anything, but at least she has a sense of humor.

The Bravo placement whores use the shopping montage to show us every Butterball product known to man, which makes me a little vomitous. Also, Team Cougar plans on making Mac and Cheese with Butterball Turkey bacon in it because one of the things mentioned in the Foo Fighters' Rider (that's too long. Let's just call it the Foo Rider) is that they love bacon. Turkey bacon does not equal bacon, folks. Commercial!

* We return with 3 hours left in their time. Eugene has built an impromptu hibachi grill using a chafing dish and charcoal and is smoking pork. Eugene, you genius. You're still my favorite.

* Team Cougar's menu is as follows: Butterball Turkey; Stuffing; Roasted Potatoes; Sweet Potatoes; Pork Roast; Mac and Cheese; Pumpkin Parfait; Peach Cobbler; and Banana S'Mores. The S'mores are a nod to the fact that the Foo Rider mentions that the band loves chocolate covered frozen bananas. Since there's no freezer, Daniel has reinterpreted this as a Banana S'More. There's also some mention of a salad bar.

* Team Sexy Pants is making Butterball Turkey; Vegetarian Stuffing; Mashed Potatoes; Sweet Potatoes; Gravy; Side Salads; Pumpkin Tiramisu; and Fruit Crisp.

Ok, I just have to ask: what about the 18 vegetarians? Are they just supposed to eat sides? I know that's what happens at most Thanksgivings, but I kind of feel like that was a significant enough part of the parameters that they should each have to make one vegetarian entree.

* Prep continues. Jeff talks about how he's taking on a lot of responsibility because the people who are capable should be responsible for more.

* Then it starts to rain. HA-HA. Bravo flunkies rush to tent the prep area, and Fabio declares "I ain't goin' home because is-a raining in my tiramisu!" Yep. Still not old.

* The teams race to get food to their serving tables. Carla talks about how Team Cougar wants to prove they can do it since they're the ones who weren't picked.

* The judges and Foo Fighters enter. Richard talks about how hot and bear-icon-y Tom is, and the judges and Foos start eating Team Cougar's main courses.

* Dave Grohl doesn't care for Jeff's spoonbread stuffing, but Taylor Hawkins loves the bacon mac and cheese. On the other hand, he hates the roasted potatoes. Chris Shiflett enjoys Eugene's smoked ham, while Grohl thinks Ariane's turkey is perfect.

* Moving on to Team Sexy Pants' mains, Nate Mendel loves the vegan stuffing, and Dave Grohl gives them props for getting the sweet potatoes right by burning the marshmallows.

* The judges and Foos go back for desert. Gail loves Fabio's pumpkin tiramisu, and Tom thinks it's great that he's adapted a traditional American ingredient to an Italian recipe. Taylor Hawkins says that Hosea's blueberry crumble was outrageous. But on the other team, he hates the "pumpkin foam" in Jeff's Fruit Salad with Pumpkin Mousse, and calls it a "barfait." And Dave Grohl compares one of the toppings on the Banana S'More to spit.

* All in all, the Foos thought the teams were about even. The Cougars had the better turkey, but Sexy Pants had better desserts.

* Daniel interviews "At this point, I'm goin' to the concert. I arreddy gawt my pahty hat on, my pahty unnawear on, an' I'm ready to go." Somehow, interviews in broken English aren't as charming coming from him. Commercial!

* After the commercial, the Foos invite Team Sexy Pants to the concert. The Sexy Pants celebrate. Eugene audibly calls the decision "fucking bullshit." We're then treated to the obligatory footage of Sexy Pants enjoying the concert while the Cougars clean up and hear the muffled music coming through the floor. Wah-wah.

* Richard hopes they don't resort to throwing each other under the bus. Has he never seen this show?

* Judges table. Padma asks if they were surprised that they lost. Jeff bitches about the curveballs they were thrown, and Tom points out that the other team had to deal with the same conditions. Alex says that Jeff emerged as the leader/organizer.

* Tom assures them that it was a close competition, and Gail tells them that Ariane's turkey was perfect--actually better than the other team's.

* But then comes the bad news. Jeff's stuffing was dry; Daniel's potatoes were undercooked; Carla's cobbler was too sweet; the pumpkin mousse with the berries didn't balance; and the S'mores weren't S'mores in that there was no burned sugar or warm chocolate, and they weren't gooey.

* They send the chefs away and deliberate. Grant thinks it comes down to dessert, but Tom reminds him how sloppy Daniel's execution was. He adds that he thought Carla's dessert was ok, and Gail agrees that it was the "least offensive." Tom says that Jeff's dishes--dessert and otherwise--were across the board bad, and that the mousse/berry combo was wrong. Grant says he feels that Jeff may've lost focus, but his own least favorite was the S'mores, since they tasted bad and were a mess conceptually. Commercial!

* We come beck from commercial for like a split second to get a very brief stew room scene. Daniel eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and drips it on the floor. Jamie says he's attracting flies, and he charmingly speculates that it may be her time of the month. Wow, that was illuminating and worthwhile. More commercial!

* Back! Tom tells Team Cougar that the high points were Eugene, Alex, Carla, and Ariane. One by one, they all get to leave. Tom then says that the dishes that didn't work were the non traditional ones. Daniel's potatoes were bad, Jeff bit off too much, and Richard's S'mores were disappointing.

* Richard is told to Pack His Knives and Go. He gives a tearful interview and tells Jamie to kick ass. And then he cries some more. It's kind of uncomfortable.

* Next week! Today Show! Watermelon! Ariane gets feisty! Kathy Lee spits something out! Rocco!