Top Chef, Episode 1: New York State of Mind

Patrick and Lauren
Are gone before we even
Got to know them. Meh.

So here we are again, muffins. Another season of Top Chef. And I don’t want to go all “Worst/Best season EVAH!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!” based on the first episode, but. . . I don't know. It was kind of lackluster? There are too many goddamn cheftestants? Well, let’s just get to it.

* We open with the intro, which reminds us where previous seasons have been and who the winners are. On that note, if you’ve watched previous seasons check out this “Where are they now?” article on the previous cheftestants. Note that CJ, Dale, and Sarah N. from Season 3 are all working together to open a restaurant in Chicago. Awwww. On that note, I'm moving to Chicago. There are insufficient Top Chef relaed restaurants in DC. Also, I still want to climb CJ like a tree.

* Padma voiceovers that 17 chefs will “battle it out in the Big Apple.” Seventeen? I swear to god, they’re trying to kill me.

* There’s a New York montage, which is like every other New York montage ever except that it includes the Whole Foods in Union Square, and we meet the chefs. We only get a lengthy introduction to four or five of them, so forgive me if my reactions to some are more detailed than they are to others.

Fabio: from Florence; never been to New York.
Jamie: executive chef at Absinthe in San Francisco; heavily tattooed
Eugene: didn’t go to Culinary school; worked his way up from dishwasher. Eugene looks like Manny from General Hospital, so I’m already on his side. I feel like Eugene, like the actor who played Manny (and later his identical and identically tattooed priest twin brother) will spin gold out of even the most improbable shit.
Jeffery: is the designated good looker; capable of being hurt if his food and hair aren’t perfect.
Radhika: is into global, small plates; afraid of being pigeonholed into doing Indian food.
Lauren: has a husband in Iraq.
Ariane: has 2 daughters
Daniel: Bear #1.
Patrick: Pocket gay and current Hyde Park CIA student, which I think makes him the first student in the competition since Candace in Season 1. He’s adorable, and he and Lauren were at school at the same time, so they’re already BFFs. I was all geared up to talk about how they absolutely live up to my experience of how high intensity the bond between people who are/were at the CIA at the same time can be, and then I looked at Patrick's photo album. . . .and there are people I've met in those pictures. So maybe it's all CIA people, or maybe it's just the ones I've met and their friends. Either way, it can be scary--it's like the most hard core, devoted, loyal-for-life Greek organization you've ever seen, except it's the whole school. And they have knives.
Stefan: from Finland
Carla: tall
Richard: Bear #2.
Hosea: Bald.
Leah: Brunette girl
Jill: Other Brunette girl
Melissa: blonde girl with bangs.
Alex: looks like someone. . .can’t think who?

. .. wait, I think I’m missing one. Am I missing one? No. Not missing one. Good girl.

* They ferry out to Governors’ Island, where they meet Padma and Tom. Richard interviews that all of his queens will want to know what Padma is wearing. Ok. Leah promises she won’t cry because her mom doesn’t want her to look like a little bitch. Leah is my soulmate.

* Tom and Padma greet them, and Padma makes the inevitable "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere" joke. So at least that's out of the way. Then they announce. . . that it’s a quickfire already! Only 16 of them will get past this challenge! Oh noes! There will be three rounds. The first is to peel 15 apples with a knife, not a peeler. The first 9 to finish are safe; the other 8 move on. Nice. I like the way they're amping up the speed a little to get rid of some of these chefs. Because seriously--17? Are they trying to kill me?

* Peeling frenzy! Bear #2 pretty much cuts his thumb off. The safe chefs are Stefan; Fabio; Hosea; Ariane; Jeff; Melissa; Carla; Richard; and Jamie. Stefan will have immunity in the Elimination Challenge because he finished first.

* Round 2! They have to brunoise 2 cups of apples. The first four to finish will be safe; the rest will move on. This round saves Daniel, Alex, Eugene, and Jill.

* Round 3! Create a dish using the apples. They have 20 minutes, and the weakest dish goes.

Lauren makes an apple salad with bleu cheese, balsamic vinegar, bacon, and orange supremes. Really? For Top Chef? I mean, I could do that. I wouldn’t, because bleu cheese tastes like feet, and because I usually try to be . . . you know, a tiny bit more original than the menu at Friday’s, but whatever.

Pocket Patrick makes an apple slaw with a yogurt dressing. Again, really? Radhika makes pork with an apple chutney, which seems an odd choice for someone who doesn’t want to be pigeonholed into doing Indian food, but whatevs. Leah makes an apple hash with scallops. Even though I'd explode like a balloon if I ate that, it seems like the best of the bunch, at least in terms of difficulty/originality/not self-pigeonholing.

* We quickly learn that Leah is safe, then Radhika. Then. . .we go to commercial! When we return, we learn that Patrick gets to say. Lauren goes home for her Friday's salad. Patrick is very sweet about how sad he is that his friend is leaving. . .

. . .but he has no time to be sad, because it’s already time to talk about the Elimination Challenge! Wow! This season is moving at warp freaking speed. Which, I guess, is necessary when you’ve got seventeen bloody chefs running around.

* Anyway, for the Elimination Challenge, they draw neighborhoods from the knife block. They’re put in pairs, and told to design a dish inspired by the ethnic neighborhood they drew. They’ll be serving head to head—e.g. one dude with Chinatown will serve against the other dude with Chinatown, and so on. The better dish from each pair will be elligible for the win; the worse will risk being sent home.

* They move into their house, which naturally is spectacular and has a stunning view. The gay chefs bond and call themselves Team Rainbow. Drinking occurs. Fabio and Stefan have a heavily accented conversation, in which Fabio says “In Europe, there is two kinds of people: the Italian, and who wants to be Italian.” I want that on a shirt. Daniel says some xenophobic stereotypical American nonsense. I sense that this will become a theme this season. We go to commercial.


* Morning. The teams split up and go to their neighborhoods to go shopping. Richard and Jamie have Astoria, and will be cooking Greek food. Hosea and Carla have Brighton Beach, and will be cooking Russian. Carla asks her spirit guides to lead her. I see myself getting some mileage out of this lady (and she’s a local! Sweet!)

Ariane and Stefan are in Long Island City with Middle Eastern. Jeff and Fabio are in Ozone Park and have “Latin.” I hate "Latin" as a culinary designation almost as much as I hate "Asian." Please don't fucking try to tell me that Cuban food and Mexican food and Salvadoran food are all the same thing. It's insulting.

Radhika and Jill are in Queens cooking Jamaican. Leah and Melissa are in Little Italy cooking German; Patrick and Daniel are in Chinatown cooking English; and Alex and Eugene are in Little India, which frankly I’ve never heard of.

That last sentence has two lies and a truth. See if you can figure out which is which.

* They go to the kitchens and geek out on the equipment, making sure to clearly announce the sponsors’ names.

* Two hours! Cooking montage! Too much goes on to talk about all of it, but basically Patrick screws up his noodles; Jeff gets over confident and ends up with half his stuff not plated; and I see enough beets being chopped to give me anaphylaxis through my eyes. Commercial!

* Back! The judges enter. They are Tom, Padma, Gail, and Jean George Vongerichten. They haven't even said anything yet, and I miss Ted already.

* So lets get to the dishes. We start with Middle Eastern. Ariane has made cous cous, a yogurt crusted rack of lamb, and a wheat risotto with dates and chickpeas. They like her lamb, but hate her risotto. Stefan has made a tabbouli salad with a lamb chop and a beef onion skewer. Stefan wins.

Team Greek comes out and Richard voice overs about how hot he is for Tom. Ok, big gay bear. We get it. You're a big gay bear. You don't have to spell it out for us. Anyway. He’s made a lamb slider with an orzo feta salad, which sounds yummy right now. Jamie has made an eggplant puree with seared bass and a salad. Both dishes are good, but Richard’s is overcooked. Jamie wins.

In Jamaica, Jill has made plantain fritters and jerk spice scallops. Radhika has made jerk rubbed halibut and 3 bean rice. Neither dish gets raves, and frankly even the idea of jerk rubbed halibut makes me throw up a little. Jill wins.

For "Latin" food, Fabio made a sous vide pork in a mango/jalapeno demi glace with a mushroom avocado salad. Jeff has made a coffee seared tenderloin, smoked plantain, and black beans and rice. Tom likes Fabio’s better, but Jean George and Gail prefer Jeff. Jeff wins.

Moving to Russia, Hosea has made a smoked fish trio with caviar crème fraiche and an apple chutney. Carla has prepared a smoked trout and a salmon cake with a latke. Hosea’s food demonstrates “culinary eloquence,” and he wins.

Little Italy. Leah made a faro risotto with seared snapper and mushrooms. Melissa has seared ribeye with a salad and red sauce. Melissa's sauce needs salt. Leah wins.

Chinatown is apparently the worst neighborhood ever. This makes me want to make a Jack Nicholson Chinatown reference, but I've only seen it once and the only thing that springs to mind is "She's my sister and my daughter!" and that makes no sense at all. Leave yours in the comments if you've got something better. Anyway, Daniel has made a poached chicken salad with bok choy, fried wonton, and a ginger-garlic foam. Patrick has made a seared salmon bok choy with ginger-garlic scallion and black rice noodles. Patrick’s noodles are gummy, his flavors are one note, and the description of his dish doesn’t make grammatical sense. Daniel’s food is wet and clichéd, but he wins.

Finally, in Little India, we have Alex with a grilled lamb chop with spicy ragout and basmati rice. Eugene has made a masala rubbed lamb rack with basmati and what he calls tatziki. Padma immediately goes apeshit over Eugene’s dish, which is pretty freaking complimentary when you think about it. He wins. Yay!!!!

* The judges have a brief conversation. Chinatown was universally disappointing. Patrick’s dish was amateurish. Gail hated the texture on Radhika’s food, and Tom hated Ariane’s raw faro/risotto.

* After a commercial, Padma calls in 3 winners—Stefan, Eugene, and Leah—and 2 losers—Patrick and Ariane.

* Starting with the winners, Leah is told that she captured new Italian cuisine and her flavors were focused. Stefan’s food felt simple even though it was anything but. Eugene made a delicious, divine dinner that makes Padma want to marry him. After reminding them that 3 out of 4 times, the winner of the first challenge has won the competition, Padma declares that the winner. . ..is Stefan. He’s excited, and wants to be the first European Top Chef.


* To the losers, Ariane is told that her Faro is undercooked, and Patrick is told that his food was cliché and sanitized. Blah blah blah, there’s the usual lame why should you stay thing, and then we go to commercial.

* Coming back, Ariane is told that her inspiration was there, but the technique was poor. Patrick’s execution was good, but his food was uninspired. So. . .Patrick is out.

* He’s very sad, and talks about leaving and how he’s still completely young and what not.

* And thus ends the first episode of Season 5, which somehow managed to be crowded and boring at the same time. It’s like an elevator ride rather than a TV show.

And I don't want to be too harsh, because it's the first episode and all, so who knows how the rest of the season will turn out. But I kind of feel like even Bravo knows that this episode was lackluster (I don't think they caught on to how confusing it was). I mean, look at the shitty poll they put up . At right, it reads, "In the Season Premiere, I was most surprised by. . ." and your choices are "Lauren's elimination--It was so cruel!" and "Patrick's elemination--how will Team Rainbow survive?"

Seriously? It's a reality TV competition. Elimination is never "cruel," it's part of the fucking package. And it's not like I'm invested in Lauren's tender feelings after having known her for a whole ten seconds. Similarly, I could give a crap about Team Rainbow surviving after episode one. Sure, Patrick was adorable, but all I know about the others are that one is a heavily tattooed lesbian and the other is a big old queen who can't stop talking about what a big old queen he is.

By default, Eugene is my favorite so far. Not in the Harold/CJ massive crush/want to climb him like a tree way, but because he's spunky, and has kind of underdog/up by the bootstraps appeal. Oh, and also he looks like Manny from General Hospital, and god forbid I go a season of one of these Bravo shows without working in a completely gratuitous ABC Soaps reference (Nikolas Cassadine, I miss you and your lessons to Spike on how to be a Greek gentleman already).

But here’s hoping that this season things will get better, because coming up this season, we’ll have. . . .Fire! Bullshit! Thanksgiving! Martha! Rocco! Tears!