Top Chef prep, third course: the meat

I was trying to sort out what to do for the third and final day of our pre-Season-Five celebration of all things Top Chef. I considered several things: cooking what I would cook in response to one of the more famous (or infamous) challenges; lamenting the fact that Ted Allen is apparently not going to be on this year in order to continue his slightly craptastic show on Food Network; my shameful desire for the Top Chef video game and so on and so forth.

And then I saw the profiles of the upcoming season's 17 chefs on Blogging Top Chef. And I thought "Damn. There's some hotties up in there."

And then I thought about all the hotties who have been up there in previous seasons. And I thought about way back in the day, when I wrote about my Chefetish, and how I vaguely threatened to write a Top Chef parody song to the tune of Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5."

What? You thought since almost a year had passed, you were safe? You thought I'd forgotten? You thought I'd never carry through on such a horrible, horrible threat?

Fools. You were wrong.

And so without further ado. . . in honor of the men of Top Chef, past, present and future. . .

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Top Chef, Season 5.

One, two, three, four, five
We’ve got Top Chef in New York, so come on
Let's ride to the grocery store around the corner
Tom says we’ll make an amuse bouche
But I really don't wanna
Be on the block like I was last week
I must ensure my food tastes sweet
We got Teddy, and Padma, Gail Simmons (you’ve seen her)
And as we continue the guest judge gettin’ meaner.
So what can I do? I really must thank Bravo
To me Top Chef is more than a show. Number one source
Of prime man candy—reasons to dream of past seasons:

A little bit of Harold, he’s so fine
A little bit of Stephen with some wine
A little bit of Marcel’s crazy hair
A little bit of Sammy’s sultry stare
A little bit of CJ, he’s so tall
And did you know he only has one ball?
A little bit of Cliff and a lot of Tre
A little bit of Dale (even though he’s gay)

(Instrumental)

Hands up, utensils down!
Tastings all around
Ingredients to be found
And a protein to be browned
Take one strange twist
And one big fight
Open up a restaurant in a single night
Cook for the cops
And cook for the tykes
And then yell “Sabotage”
When you burn your own rice

A little bit of Brian with a knife
A little bit of Richard’s female wife
A little B. Malarkey with his hat
And Spike’s is very similar to that
A little bit of Andrew’s crazy tics
Another round of Mikey’s cheeto dicks
A little bit Ken, just as much of Clay
A little bit Dave (yes, we know—he’s gay)

(Instrumental)

A little bit of Mark’s digeridoo
A little bit of Hung and Ilan too
A little bit of Ryan talkin’ bunk
A little bit of Miguel (Chunk le Funk)
A little bit of Otto, Frank, Manuel
And Erik, Howie, Joey there as well
A little bit of Dale, what’s left to say?
A little bit of Carlos (because he’s gay)

I’m on my knees
Where do they find chefs like these?
It’s so good, and here’s the thing
Can’t wait to see what this year will bring