In the Mix

Embarrassing secret: I have this awful habit of assuming that the first place I see or hear something is the first place that thing has existed, ever.

I was convinced for years that my H-A-W-T Freshman Composition teacher had invented the theoretical concept of “the Other.” When other instructors and professors in the department used it, I assumed that he was so well regarded that they were just spreading his genius.

At one point, the head of my Masters Committee said of a local development, “it’s like they’ve paved paradise and put up a parking lot.” I assumed this was an original, spur of the moment, fairly poetic observation.

And for most of my childhood—in fact, maybe until junior high or even high school—I was sure that my grandmother had invented Chex Mix.

Seriously. None of my friends’ parents seemed to make it, or at least not until they’d had it at least once at my house . . .at which point I assumed they’d stolen the idea, especially as they all seemed to make it with slight tweaks that rendered it wrong. Also, it was one of the two things my grandmother cooked each year—the other one being her sweet potatoes topped with marshmallows for Thanksgiving—and everyone made such a fuss over both of them, and ate them in such great quantities that how could they be anything but completely original and authentic masterpieces?

(I should add that while none of my instructors are to blame for my naiveté in crediting them with the works of others, my grandmother was a narcissist and kind of a nut case with a self aggrandizing streak, and she probably encouraged my belief in her culinary accomplishments)

I don’t remember when I realized that the recipe was ON THE DAMNED BOX OF CHEX, or if I reacted anything like the way Phoebe did on Friends when she found out that her grandmother’s chocolate chip recipe was not, in fact, the work of her French kinswoman, Nestle Toulouse.

I do know that on some level, I still regard my grandmother’s method of making Chex Mix as the only right way to make Chex Mix. I’ve had other people’s variations, involving pistachios, or popcorn, or pretzels, or bagel chips. I’ve seen the recipes for making it in the microwave, or for making a sweet or a “Cheezy Ranch” version. I understand that everyone has their own spin to put on it, and if you’re adding any of those things to it, I can respect that. You just have to know one thing first.

The way you’re making Chex Mix? It makes the Baby Jesus cry. ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

So for those of you who would rather not commit an abomination against God ON HIS BIRTHDAY, I feel like it’s my duty to help you save your souls (since you won’t save your own, TM Jewel). And so I give you:

Crazy Nana Baker’s Holiday Chex Party Mix.

You will notice a few things about this recipe. You’ll notice that it’s very much like the one on the box, except that the one on the box now ONLY gives instructions for the microwave version. And we don’t do Chex Mix in the microwave, both because there were no microwaves when Nana Baker started making this, and because OH MY GOD, DO YOU WANT THE BABY JESUS TO CRY? ON HIS BIRTHDAY????

Similarly, there are no Corn Chex in this recipe, because there were no Corn Chex when Nana Baker started making it (in fact, the closest I can come to the Baker fam recipe is this version, which asserts that “This crunchy nibble hit the party circuit in 1955. In St. Louis” This makes me feel slightly less insane about believing that my family invented it. Hell, maybe we did. Mom?).

And finally, there is more salty goodness in the Baker family recipe than in other versions. This is because the Baker family crest is basically three salt shakers or on a lozenge gules, with Avant Tout, Sel emblazoned on the foreground.

So to start, you’ll want to preheat your oven to 250 degrees. Then you take 6-ish tbsp of butter and melt them in a big ass roasting pan.

While the butter is melting, you’ll combine your dry ingredients. First, you’ll want a little more than 3 cups of Rice Chex. You want a little more than 3 cups because Rice Chex are one of the top 3 greatest cereals of all time, ever, and people will pick them out and eat them while leaving the rest of the mix behind.

To this, you add a little more than 3 cups of Wheat Chex. Here you want a little more than 3 cups because Wheat Chex are boring and awful, and you want to make sure you have enough in each batch to use up a full box so you’re not stuck eating them for breakfast. Because seriously. Bleah.

Then you add a little more than 3 cups of CHEERIOS. Yes, CHEERIOS. I know that you’re shocked and scandalized because Cheerios are not a Chex cereal, but again—this is the way my grandmother made it before it became a corporate sponsored thing that was only designed to sell Chex. And again, if you don’t make it this way, Baby Jesus. Crying. ON HIS BIRTHDAY, at the party, in the corner, refusing to play with Baby Mohammed and Baby Buddha.

To finish off the dry ingredients, you add a little more than a cup of mixed nuts. This is to keep the nuts in proportion to the other ingredients. You then toss this with your hands.

By this time, the butter should’ve melted. So to your butter, you add about 3-ish tbsp Worcestershire sauce, 2 tsp of Lawry’s Season Salt, 1-ish tsp of Garlic Powder and ¾-ish tsp of Onion Powder. Again, Avant Tout, Sel.

And then you try to not stick your face directly into the pan and go OMNOMNOMNOMNOM, because the pan, she’s kinda hot, and you could end up with grossly disfiguring (but totally worth it) burn scars.

You toss in the dry ingredients and stir them around a little to get them to coat evenly.

Except they never do coat evenly, do they? The bits at the bottom always get deliciously saturated in buttery, Worcestershirey goodness, while the bits on the top are just warm cereal. And then your little sister goes and steals all the good saturated bits, while you’re stuck with just the cereal bits and OMG, MOM, IT’S NOT FAAAAAAAAIIIRRRRRRRR!.

So how do we avoid this? Can you guess?

That’s right, children! We add more! Another tablespoon of butter, cut up and dotted across the top! Another shake of Lawry’s! Another splodge of Worcestershire! More garlic! More onion! Mwahahahahahaahahahaahaha!

And then you put it in the oven and bake it for an hour. Every fifteen minutes or so, you want to take it out of the oven and give it a stir.

At these intervals, you may want to give it a taste. You may even want to toss another shake of the Worcestershire sauce over it, if you’re a grown-up with your own kitchen (if you’re not, there’s a danger that your mother will wander through the kitchen while you’re doing this, and scream “Jordan Baker! Stop that now! You’re going to give us all a heart attack!” Later, she’ll admit that you have made excellent party mix by adding your extra shakes of things, but it’s best to avoid the initial screaming).

After one hour, you spread it out on paper towels to cool.

Please note: if you have dogs—either of the large and flexible or of the small and springy varieties—you absolutely do not want to leave the house at this phase. Regardless of how well you think you have protected the Mix by putting it in the dead center of the table and putting canisters and things around the perimeter, the dogs will find a way to get to it. Even if they have to involve themselves in a conspiracy with The Cat to do so, they will get the Chex Mix, and you will come home to find a trail of paper towels and greasy crumbs across your kitchen floor, and a bloated but satisfied dog pooing extremely salty smelling poos on your carpet.

Once the Mix has cooled sufficiently, you should store it in air tight containers. My grandmother used tins, which she seemed to have a confusingly limitless supply of. I like these GLAD containers in festive holiday prints, which are excellent for gift giving.

Then it’s ready to serve to your guests, or to take as a hospitality present to holiday parties. And then your friends will say “this is delicious! What was I thinking, adding those weird pumpernickel crostini to my Chex Mix? If I wanted Gardettos, I should’ve just gone out and bought Gardettos instead of polluting the pure beauty of Chex Mix and making the baby Jesus cry ON HIS BIRTHDAY.”

You want to see what makes baby Jesus have a happy birthday?

That, my friends, is what salty deliciousness looks like. Go Jesus. It’s your burfday. We gonna party (mix) like it’s your burfday!