Top Chef: Furthermore, your Christmas gifts were for the birds

( Did anyone else have to sing "The Twelve Days After Christmas" in high school? I simultaneously love that song and find it maddening, because OH MY GOD, PEOPLE, the Twelve Days of Christmas ARE after Christmas. Christmas is the first day; Epiphany [January 6] is the twelfth. And our society's illiterate insistance on couting down 12 days until Christmas is one of the things that is driving me slowly, silently insane. And I can't believe I've managed to go four Christmas seasons here without holding forth on that)

Ahem. Anyway. You know I try to avoid the big, hyperbolic pronouncements, right? There’s nothing I hate more than big, hyperbolic pronouncements. They make me want to set myself on fire.

But that aside: this may have been the worst episode of Top Chef ever. It started out with a great premise which it did nothing with. It involved a kitchen crisis which they failed to convert into any sort of drama. And whereas last time they did a non-elimination it was because of everyone trying to rat each other out, this time it was just a let down.

And worst of all, they made insufficient use of Martha. I mean seriously, she was there through the first commercial and then they swap her out for the ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein.

Anyway. On with the show. On with the worst show in Top Chef history.

* Morning! Chefpartment! Ariane makes her bed and reflects on winning the last two challenges and how “simple is good.” Eugene thinks about how he’s dodged a bullet and how he didn’t go to culinary school and how OMG, he has a LOT of tattoos. Stefan and Fabio talk about being European and Stefan maintains that he pulled one of the judges’ shoes out of his ass this morning. This makes no sense, really, since he was in one of the top two groups last week. And he makes a Watermelon O’Lantern. Or should it be a Jack O’Melon? Either way, it’s the most interesting thing in the episode.

* Hosea calls his sister on the phone to see how his dad is doing—remember his dad “came down with” cancer right before Hosea came for the show. His dad is doing ok. This is to remind us that Hosea is sensitive and a good guy. At first I thought he was going to be calling his girlfriend to remind us that despite his constant groping with Leah, he has one back home, but no. Sensitive. Good Guy. Only a tiny bit unfaithful.

* Jingle Bells ring out! The chefs enter the kitchen and it’s all festooned for Christmas, which must be kind of baffling since they filmed in July. Padma talks about how this time of year, home cooks are burying themselves under mountains of pots and pans trying to create a holiday feast. So the Quickfire is for them to create a one pot holiday meal. Ugh, that sounds simultaneously convenient and vomitous, because I initially take it as indicating that they must make an entire holiday meal, not just the entree. I don't want to imagine my ham and my pie and my cranberry merchandise all being shimmied up in the same pot.

* Radhika talks about how she usually uses 10 pots (and a buttload of Indian ingredients) to make one meal. Ok, so she only says the 10 parts bit, but you know the rest is true.

* Padma says that to judge the competition, they’ve brought in someone who knows a thing or two about home cooking: MARTHA!!!! She enters toting a copy of her newest book and looking probably chic-er than any guest judge has looked ever.

* Martha says that when she prepares a holiday meal, she tries to make it simple, but not too simple. She also says she’s a fan of one pot cooking.

* The chefs have 45 minutes to create their meal. Food flurry! Hosea is making paella, which seems odd given that it can take hours. Jeff is making a potato risotto which sounds. . .starchy (please note—I typed that before Martha’s reaction. I am culinarily psychic). Ariane is pureeing something, and she and Jamie have a little love fest about how they work side by side and help each other with flavors.

And then we get our first dose of Fabio for the evening: “When I was seex, I was evil. I was bad boy. So my gramma, een order to make me don’ destroy the ‘ouse, she was make me stir the polenta on the fire for hour’. So I gonna make the polenta.”

Week six: Still. Not. Old. Commercial!

* Back We cut right to the dishes. Eugene has made Spicy Korean Stew with Pork and Mushrooms, Cilantro Sour cream and Won Ton Chips. Martha can tell that he’s thickened the broth with cornstarch and says “ok” skeptically

Stefan presents a Veal Celtic Goulash with Potatoes and Chanterelle Mushrooms. He and Martha bond over Chanterelles. Then we have Hosea’s Paella with Seafood,Chicken and Chorizo. They like the flavors. I like saying “Hosea’s Paella.” It makes me happy.

Melissa the Human Suckfest drones for awhile about how she grew up in Maryland with an apple orchard behind her house before introducing her Pork Tenderloin with Braised Cabbage, Apples, Bacon Orange and Fennel. Again, Martha says the flavors are good.

We move onto Jeff’s Potato Risotto with Crispy Pork and Sautéed Brussels Sprouts. Martha calls it “unusual” and “pungent.” OUCH. Those are not good words. Next we have Jamie’s Potato and Kale Stew with Scallops and Fried Sage, and Ariane’s Cauliflower Puree with Herb Rubbed Filet Mignon. Martha says it tastes buttery, but Ariane says there's no butter--the flavor comes from cream. Martha says this is “excellent.”

Carla has made a Brined Turkey Breast with Apple and Dried Cherry “Breadless” Stuffing, which Martha finds “tasty.” Fabio has produced Roasted Mushroom Polenta with Seared Duck Breast.

We don't see Radhika or Leah's dishes. The fewer chefs we have, the weirder and more obvious it becomes that we're not seeing everyone.

* One of Martha’s least favorites was Jeff’s potato risotto, which was too starchy (HAH!) and heavy. She thinks Eugene’s stew could’ve been “much much more delicious” and she hated the cornstarch.” As for Fabio’s polenta, she wishes she could’ve seen the mushrooms.

That makes less sense to me than any other criticism I’ve heard. Fabio apparently agrees, as he says “I have my vein een my neck ‘chu-choo. Chu-choo.’ Marta, what eez wrong wit you? My gramma (dramatic head shaking) would be so ashame of you, you would not believe eet.”

* Martha likes Hosea’s paella (it rhymes), Jamie’s scallop, and Ariane’s beef. And the winner is. . . .Ariane! She gets a copy of Martha’s new book.

Jamie feels like she’s never going to win. Ariane is honored, and has immunity.
Padma thanks Martha, and she leaves. This is where the episode starts to become horribly, horribly boring.

* Padma tells them about their Elimination Challenge: to cater a holiday party for amFAR at the Prince George Ballroom. There will be 250 guests, including fundraisers, advocates, and celebrities. To help get them in the holiday mood, Padma calls in the Harlem Gospel Choir to sing them the "Twelve Days of Christmas." Which, remember, children, are the twelve days AFTER Christmas--between Christmas and Epiphany. If you continue to make mistakes about this after today, I will be very cross with you.

The Chefs reactions to the choir are kind of priceless. Carla recognizes the Kente cloth and spazzes out because she’s clearly relieved not to be the only African-American in the room anymore. Radhika looks confused, because their singing is insufficiently Indian in its flavors. Jeff looks taken aback, because he’s so very white that he doesn’t know what all the “oooohing” and tambourines are about. And Jewish Hosea Rosenberg gets goosebumps, but knows there’s something going on.


* Padma tells them that to find out the theme for the dinner, they have to draw knives. Stefan draws twelve, and a woman belts out “Twelve drummers drumming.” The look on Stefan’s face indicates that this behaviour wouldn’t be allowed in Europe.

* So they all draw and their knives correspond to one of the twelve days of Christmas. Let me point out the obvious: this is an entirely unfair challenge. About half the days are bird related (swans, geese, partridge, etc), and as such, lend themselves to fairly obvious interpretations. At the same time, if you go with the obvious path on them, you’ll get dinged for them. So it’s kind of no win all around.

Also, it would’ve been better to do this last week, when there were. . . you know. Twelve Chefs in the competition instead of eleven.

*Anyway, they’ll have 3 hours prep that night in the TC kitchen and one hour the next night on location. The host of the party is Natasha Richardson, and she and Michelle Bernstein will be the guest judges. Commercial!

* Then we have a mini scene where they each sing their verse more or less reluctantly.
12 Drummers Drumming is Stefan
11 Pipers Piping is Hosea
10 Lords a Leaping Jeff
9 Ladies Dancing is Fabio
8 Maids a Milking is tonedeaf Melissa
7 Swans a Swimming is Jamie
6 Geese a Laying is Ariane
5. . . .Go-oooold. . . .Rings. . .(Ba-da-dum-dum) is Eugene
4 Calling Birds is . . .no one
3 French Hens is Leah
2. Turtle Doves is Carla
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree is Radhika

And we return to commercial. And if you don't click on the link in the song lyrics and rock out to the nostalgic goodness, you are dead in your soul.

* Back! They descend on Whole Foods in the dead of night with 45 minutes and $800. Everyone freaks out about how little time they have for planning.

* Hosea plans on doing something smoked for pipers. Jeff wants to do frogs legs for lords a leaping, but they don’t have any so he comes up with some lame cheese leaping idea that I just don’t get. Leah and Stefan are both working with poultry and some form of pastry.

* Fabio realistically assesses the challenge, asking “what you gonna do with 9 ladies dancing that resembles somehow food?” Hmm. . . .I’m no chef, but I think the idea is to come up with food that somehow resembles ladies dancing, not vice versa. Anyway, he comes up with crab legs.
Ariane comes up with deviled eggs with 6 different toppings for Geese a Laying.

* Back to the kitchen for prep time! Stefan complains about how every step takes time. Jamie explains how she’s translated swans a swimming into scallops, and Melissa describes some bizarre Maids a milking dish that begins with “soft sourdough toast points” and gets even more vomitous from there.

* Radhika, rather than making the logical partridge = game hen decision, is making Duck with a pear chutney.

A pear. Chutney. Let’s just call it a partridge in a Banyan tree and get it over with.

* Moving on. Eugene is making ceviche with golden pineapple rings, and talks about how this challenge is make or break for him. Hosea smokes the shit out of the kitchen with his overmarinated pork. Jeff talks about how his dishes are way more complicated than everyone else’s. Because in his mind, complicated = good.

* The refrigerators get overpacked. I get a sense of foreboding from this.

* Next day! Morning! Someone has stuck a knife into Stefan’s Jack-O-Melon head from the previous day. This is still the most interesting thing about the episode.

* They have 1 hour to prep and pack, and they discover that one of the fridge’s was left open and all the food in it is ruined. Hosea can’t serve his pork, or it could kill everyone in the room. Ditto with Radhika’s 40 ducks. Jamie kindly offers to help her when they’ve gotten there.

* Melissa’s cheese is similarly ruined, but it’s a gorgonzola, so who’d ever notice? Anyway, she manages to find a different gorgonzola in the kitchen. Is that allowed?

* In the spirit of Christmas in July, everyone else helps them find other products to replace what was ruined and they work together. Hosea finds new pork. Radhika saved the duck legs (she was planning to only use the breast) in a different fridge, and Fabio breaks them down for her while Jamie makes her mirepoix. Commercial!

* Back! The chefs race into the Prince George ballroom, and start prepping. The guests start entering, and drinking, and. . . .singing? Gorgeous Natasha Richardson and frumpy Michelle Bernstein toast with Padma, and Natasha Richardson welcomes the guests. The guests are instructed to pin their AIDS ribbons next to their favorite dish. Interesting. Let’s get to the dishes.

* Stefan’s is Creamy Chicken Pot Pie with English Peas, White Asparagus, Thyme, and Parsley. The pastry is drum shaped for the drummers drumming, and there’s drumstick in the pie. The judges like it.

* Radhika presents her Braised Duck Leg on Toasted Brioche with Pear Chutney and Toasted Pistachios. She likes it better than her previous dish. Michelle Bernstein likes it, and some random woman talks about how she liked the Indian spices. Garrrrrrrrrrrrr.

* Carla’s dish is Braised Chicken with Duxelles and Mushroom Cap. The mushroom cap is the back of the turtle. Turtle Doves, Carla, Turtle Doves. Not turtles. Tom says it’s salty and one note.

* Eugene has made a Poisson Cru with Pineapple Ring and Gold Yukon Potato Chip. Michelle Bernstein finds it too sweet.

* Fabio’s is a Sweet Corn and Roasted Pepper Crab Cake with Lime and Chipotle Aioli and Coleslaw. Then he says something incomprehensible about the female crab who “once she does the leg dance, she cover it with sand.” Ok. Maybe now the accent is getting old. Maybe. Also, the dish is not the judges’ fave.

* Jamie’s seven swans a swimming is a Crudo of Sea Scallop “Swimming” in Vichyssoise with Lemon Agrumoto, Leeks and Micro Greens. Michelle Bernstein finds it raw and wrong, while Broadway actor Cheyenne Jackson finds it slimy

* Pardon me while I vomit, but Melissa’s maids a milking dish is Gorgonzola and New York Strip Steak on Sourdough Crostini with Cranberry Vinaigrette. The judges complain that they can’t taste beef, only cheese

* For three French Hens, Leah has made Braised Guinea Hen with Butternut Squash Puree over Puff Pastry. Natasha Richardson feels like the brioche dulls it down.
Ariane has made Deviled Eggs Six Ways. She describes the six ways, but basically it’s deviled eggs and it’s boring. Natasha Richardson likes it, but Tom doesn’t think anyone should win with a deviled egg, and that Ariane’s not trying.

* Hosea. . ok, this is where he explains that he thought of smoked in relation to pipe because you put something in your pipe and smoke it. No. NO. Not smoking pipes, you tards. Bagpipes, or at the very least recorders, like we played in sixth grade. Morons. Anyway, he’s made a Smoked Pork Loin with Chipotle Mashed Potatoes and Apple Brandy Jus. The judges seem to like it. Hosea flirts with a lot of girls and they all pin their ribbons to him. Seriously, what the fuck kind of lousy season is this that Hosea is the sex symbol? He must sweat a potent mix of pheremones and pure charisma in person, because I'm just not seeing it.

* Finally we have Jeff, whose island/cheese/leaping dish is Seared Haloumi and Kasseri Cheese with Roasted Beets, Pears, Mint and Spices. Michelle Bernstein likes the roundness.

* The Judges confer. Natasha Richardson says stuff about the holiday and how tough these conditions must’ve been. Tom looks seriously irritated and grouses even more than usual. Padma leads them off to judges table, and the chefs pop some champagne. Melissa is pissed that she had one of the lowest numbers of ribbons, even though she knows her food was good. Commercial!

* Back! Padma enters the stew room and calls Hosea, Jeff, Stefan, and Radhika.

They are the top chefs in the night’s challenge. Radhika explains the fridge situation and how the other chefs helped them. The judges explain the different things that were good about each dish and frankly, it’s kind of boring. Natasha announces that the person with the most ribbons and the judges’ choice was Hosea. Michelle Bernstein gives him her first book, and then says she’s going to give a copy to all the chefs for helping him. Ok. . . it’s kind of crappy to get a prize for winning. . . .and then have everyone who didn’t win get the same prize.

*Stew room. Bang Face kisses Hosea for having won, but then swears when she, Eugene, and Jamie are called back. HA-ha. That's what you get for smoochin' on a man who already belongs to two other women, AssBreath.

* Anyway, they, naturally, were the judges’ and guests' least favorite. Jamie liked her dish, but Michelle Bernstein points out that they were lukewarm, which made it all a warm slimy texture with no freshness. Tom thinks the scallops shouldn’t have been served raw.

* Turning to Melissa, Tom says it was all cheese, and you couldn’t even taste the meat. Michelle Bernstein describes the problem of eating a huge quantity of lukewarm gorgonzola. I quickly run to the bathroom and puke, because THAT is the problem of even hearing about a huge quantity of lukewarm gorgonzola. Anyway, Blandy McShagBang says she feels like it was a successful dish and claims people came back for thirds and fourths. Padma replies that she had one of the lowest numbers of ribbons. Bad week to lie about audience feedback, Uggo.

* Then there’s Eugene. Michelle Bernstein said the Cru was too sweet and insufficiently fishy. Eugene says it tasted tart to him. Tom said the fish never had a chance. He only got 8 ribbons. Michelle Bernstein gives him a long speech about how you’re only as good as your last dish.

* Deliberation. Padma asks “who’s going home for Christmas?” It’s July, moron.

* Michelle Bernstein says that Jamie’s scallop was her least favorite. Eugene can’t see that his food is not good, and Natasha Richardson says he’s unable to take criticism or learn. Melissa might as well have just served cheese.

* Tom points out how the food was universally boring, and Natasha Richardson admits that she was disappointed. Fiends! You have disappointed Lindsay Lohan’s movie mom from back when she was adorable! How dare you! Anyway, Michelle Bernstein didn’t find delicousness. She probably didn’t find it because it wasn’t a word. Tom wants to talk to the whole group so they all hear how disappointed they all were, but Natasha Richardson loves the way they all pitched in together. God, it’s like they’re playing good cop bad cop, or mean grumpy bald dad and sweet pretty British mom. Commercial!

* Back! Tom enters the stew room, and says that he wants them to know that even the dishes that won weren’t inspiring, and they’re not cooking to win. Leah is unadvisedly smart mouthed--when Tom says they can't just make a little throwaway canape, she smarms "like mine?" And Tom says "yes." Ha! Shut you up, man stealer. Anyway, Tom says they need to cook the food that got them here.

* Tom says that because of the mishaps in the kitchen and the spirit of the holidays, no one is going home that night.

This is disappointing. I mean think of all the screaming and shennanigans that came from the Season 2 Christmas episode, when Mia threw herself on her knife so that Elia could stay. THAT is what the fake holidays in July are supposed to be about, people.

Next: Tom wakes them up! A Challenge with no limits! Jamie does more scallops! Toby Young! Catfood! Carla screams for Gail!

Someone better fucking go home, that’s all I can say.