Top Chef: Oh, Danny Boy.

Party Underwear
And defense of a bad dish
Au revoir, Danny

I don’t have anything to say about Danny’s offing. I found him obnoxious, and he didn’t prepare a single thing that I remember. And if it wasn't going to be him, it was going to be Carla or Eugene. And I like Carla and Eugene, whereas I had no feelings other than disgust about Danny.

Plus. . .not to tip my hand or anything, but I had THE DAY yesterday, and by the time I got around to watching the show, I was in a state numbed by two glasses of Auroch Temperanillo and half a Mo’s Bacon Bar and Chop’t’s Po Boy salad.

Unsolicited plug: Chop’t may seem like it’s way overpriced for salad, but it’s very economical if you’re the sort of person who can make it into two meals. Which I can.

Unsolicited plug two: Auroch is my new $13 obsession.

Unsolicited unplug: Mo’s Bacon Bar needs more bacon.

Anyway, onto the show.

* Morning! Another shirtless Jeff shirtless. Melissa contemplates her bottom-ness while picking at her fingernails. I still fucking hate her and her fucking bangs. Also, her caption card says she’s 28, to which I can only say: bish, plz. If that’s 28, I’m 23, tops.

. . .. anyway. . . . Ariane sweeps and contemplates her win and her age. Jamie has a stuffed. . .bear? Monkey? Bunny? Anyway, it’s a stuffed animal with pants that Stefan has made for her. We’re told that Stefan loves Jamie. Apparently “lesbian” doesn’t translate into. . . .European. Where is Stefan from again? They just keep talking about he's "European," not French or Belgian or Luxemborg-ian or Norwegian or anything. This irritates me the same way everyone who says they're good at "Latin" or "Asian" Cuisine irritates me (and I know we've been into that before).

* Quickfire! They enter to find Padma alone. She tells them that in this quickfire, they’ll be the ones doing the tasting. Yes, children, this is the inevitable palate/taste test Quickfire! Yay!

* They draw numbers, and realize that their numbers are being paired up. Hosea and Danny get paired, as do Jamie and Stefan. The challenge is that they’ll taste a sauce head to head and see who can correctly identify the most ingredients in the sauce in 15 seconds. They even have a bracket to show how the chefs proceed from round to round. It’s just like that one sport that colleges play, that one that involves running and baggy shorts. What’s that sport? Oh yeah. Not baseball.

* Danny and Hosea go first, with sauce one: a shrimp/lobster bouillabaisse. Hosea identifies Onion, shrimp, lemon and carrot, and passes to the next round.

* Next we have Ariane and Jeff. Ariane advances because Jeff guesses wrong. Then Stefan beats Jamie with 5 ingredients. Leah advances past Eugene after he gets one wrong. Radhika beats Fabio by guessing 3 ingredients. Carla beats Melissa with four.

* Round two is Thai Green Curry. Hosea beats Ariane with six ingredients. Stefan beats Leah with 8. Radhika gets one wrong, and Carla advances

* Final round. This time, they’ll identify in turns, like a spelling bee. The last chef standing wins. The guessing sauce is a Mexican Molé. Om nom nom.

* Carla eliminates herself immediately by saying peanut butter is in it. Stefan and Hosea battle it out for awhile, but then Stefan incorrectly calls tomato paste. Hosea calls vegetable oil and wins. Commercial!

* Back! Elimination challenge! They draw knives that read old, new, borrowed, and blue Ariane says “me being married, I know the little phrase ‘something old something new something borrowed something blue.”

Yes. Because only people who are actually married know that saying. Not people who have been in a wedding. Or to a wedding. Or know someone who's ever been to a wedding. Or read the Little House on the Prairie books when they were little. Or watched any wedding episode of any soap opera, ever. Or was raised as a girl in an English speaking country.

* Padma tells them she’s throwing a bridal shower for a friend of hers. And that friend is. . . . Gail! Gail enters, and she and Padma fake smooch like they actually like each other.

* Danny says he thinks Gail will make a hot bride. Urgh.

* Gail gives them the details on her shower. There will be 40 guests. Gail would prefer no veal and no black beans, but otherwise she’s open to pretty much anything. This is clearly why Gail Simmons and I aren't friends--veal and black beans are two of my favorite things. Not together, of course, but you know. A lot of the guests are her colleagues from Food & Wine magazine. And, while I don’t remember hearing this during the show (though I do remember hearing it during the preview videos), each team will cook one course, and the course has to fit the theme of old/borrowed/new/blue.

* The teams split up and begin to confer. The “Something Borrowed” team is Ariane, Radhika, and Jamie. Jamie suggests they do something Indian inspired and say they “borrowed” it from Radhika’s mother (!!!!!!).

Oh. My. God. Just when I thought we were done with this theme, we get another “Radhika makes Indian Food” episode. And to top that off, it’s another episode where she both makes Indian food and worries about how it could pigeonhole her. She wants to show that she can do Indian flavors her way. Notice she’s still not suggesting, oh, I don't know, anything radical like doing non-Indian flavors.

* Team “Something Blue” is Melissa, Leah, andFabio.. Fabio thinks their theme is the hardest because “eez no food that eez bloo.” I don’t know about hardest. I mean, first, while there may be "no food that eez bloo," there are plenty of food that 'az bloo in the name. You could make something with blue crab (om nom nom). Or blue corn (om nom nom). Or blueberries (om nom nom). Or bleu cheese (vom vom vom). Or you could make food that reminds you of the Blues. Or you could use blue food color.

Second, Personally, I’d find “Something Old’ hardest, just because Old Food to me automatically connotes food that’s expired or gone off. I mean, how would you like it if you went into a restaurant and they offered you a basket of Old Bread and a choice of Old Salad or Old Soup before your Old Entrée?

But I digresss. . .

* The “Something New” team is Danny, Carla and Eugene. Danny says new makes him think pickled (???), and that Gail likes pickling. So firstable, how does pickling = new? When I think of pickling, I think of the really old people who lived in my family's house before we did--when we went to see the house, she was pickling beets. It smelled like a lot of things. New was not one of them.

And second, how does he know that Gail likes pickling? Anyway, this proves to be a moot point as Eugene suggests sushi, or a surf and turf sushi roll, which will be a new concept. Carla doesn’t like the idea, but she also doesn’t speak up against it or offer any alternatives.

* Finally, we have “Something Old”: Jeff, Hosea and Stefan. They discuss doing an heirloom tomato trio, where they each put their own spin on a tomato. Stefan immediately gets bossy with his catering experience, and the other two complain. Which. . .you know, it worked for them last time, so why bitch? Commercial!

* Back! The chefs invade Whole Foods. They have 30 minutes to shop and an $800 budget. Carla loses her team and wanders around calling “hootie hoo” and tells a story about her husband, which makes me think she’s gone. We’ve seen her family pictures. The end can’t be far behind.

* Hosea and Jeff bitch more about Stefan during the shopping process. Stefan talks about Hosea having immunity and calls him either doucheboy or Jew boy. I . .. .really don’t want to think about which. You know things are bad when you’re hoping that one reality show contestant is calling another “doucheboy.” If “doucheboy” is your less offensive choice. . . well. It makes all the things I called Spike look congenial.

* Back to the kitchen. There’s a mad food flurry. They have 2.5 hours to prep that night.

* Oh, and then we see pictures of Eugene’s wife, who never got a bridal shower because they just went down to the courthouse and got married. Family pictures! Eugene, no! Don’t leave me!

* And then Eugene fucks up his sushi rice because of a digital rice cooker. At least he doesn’t blame sabotage.

* Tomthrough! Tom repeats the “no blue food” thing to the blue team. He chats with the borrowed ladies, then moves onto the new team, and manages to look skeptical about absolutely everything. The “this team is full of nonsense” music plays in the background as they discuss the sushi idea. Finally, he meets team old, and we learn that Stefan was married twice to the same woman. For some reason, we’re not treated to pictures of this.

* Tom gives his commentary. From now on, we’ll call this section the “Tommentary.” Anyway, he says that the blue team’s food seems boring; while the new team is out there and will be either spectacular or horrible.

* Eugene tries to save his failed rice by turning it into a chili pepper sticky rice. Melissa thinks their dish is lacking eye catching pizzazz. I think your face is lacking eye catching pizzazz, Browface McManChin.

* Back home at the chefpartment. Eugene has come up with the idea that they let the ladies build their own sushi roll. Danny approves of this while lifting weights in his chef's jacket, and even the previously skeptical Carla agrees that this sounds new and interesting. Stefan says women don’t want to make their own food, and generally tries to piss on their parade. They tell him to step out of their biiiiidness and worry about his own team. Commercial!

* Mini scene! Stefan tries to coax Jamie into something in a bunk while Carla looks on. Jamie looks so much like my best friend that it freaks my shit out sometimes. This is. . . .ok, I was going to say that this is even weirder than the Hosea/Leah scene last week, but at least Stefan and Jamie seem like interesting people with actual chemistry.

* Back for real! Radhika makes morning coffee and Hosea and Jamie play cards. Hosea talks about how they flirt, but they both have significant others in real life. Fabio shows us a picture of his wife and says he cooked for her bridal shower. Mrs. Fabio is gorgeous. Then we see some family pictures of Ariane. Ok, so now we’re just seeing pictures of everyone who’s married. So we shouldn’t read into it so much. And by “we” I clearly mean “I” since I’m the one who spazzed out about it.

* They drive to Twenty Four Fifth and survey the dining room. The ambiance makes Radhika nervous. The chefs prep while Gail’s friends enter and leave gifts on a table. Padma makes a toast and says that they all love Gail, and that Jeremy is lucky. I’m going to assume Jeremy is Gail’s prospective groom. Or her golden retriever.

* Tom enters the kitchen because he needs to taste the food and the girls won’t let him in the main room. Fabio tells us “Colicchio for me is like eef you a priest, an’ eez da pope een da room.”

Week 5. Fabio’s accent: still not old.

* Team Old preps. Stefan badmouths Jeff’s tomato sorbet, and Hosea nearly spills a glass of gazpacho from his nerves.

* We’re introduced to the guest judge, Food & Wine Editor in Chief Dana Cowin. Team Old serves their dish: Heirloom Tomato Carpaccio and Sorbet; Heirloom Tomato Gazpacho with Mint, Watermelon, and Cucumber Salsa; and Heirloom Tomato, Eggplant, and Basil Terrine. The girls like the sorbet, but think the terrine was bland.

* Now we focus on Team New, where Danny puts shitake mushroom in Carla’s salad without telling her. She is not pleased. The presentation looks AWFUL because there are so many components.

* They then serve their “New School Sushi”: Tempura Shrimp, Beef Skewer with Peach-Miso BBQ Sauce and Yuzu Sorbet. The ladies decry the lack of explanation of what to do with all the components. The shrimp is cold. Tom eats his portion alone in the kitchen, and looks perplexed.

* We turn to the Borrowed team. Jamie is pretty sure she’s going to win. Ariane tries to do math about when to start the lamb to give it enough time to rest before they have to serve it. Apparently she fails at math, because it’s really rare. Radhika and Jamie freak out about not wanting to serve rare lamb, and Ariane pleads for just a few more minutes before they plate. Everyone pitches in to make sure they’re plated in time.

* Their dish is Indian Spiced Lamb on Carrot Puree with Raita and Wild Rice. Yeah, no contest, this dish gets my NOM of the week. Padma says the lamb is delicious. Dana Cowin is so happy. Everyone says the lamb is cooked perfectly. The dish makes Gail happy.

* Finally we have the Blue team: Melissa says something horribly boring, and I fantasize about punching her in the face. Leah feels like the fish needs seasoning, and Jamie critiques that the food looks boring. She doesn't do what I would do and end that sentence with "just like Melissa's fucking face."

* Leah and Melissa have tasked Fabio to charm the ladies with his accent, and he commences to schmoozing. In an interview, he explains his technique: “any woman need to hear that she beautiful So what better way to start than to tell them she look beautiful?” He then tells them they’ll be enjoying Blue Corn Encrusted Chilean Sea Bass with Swiss Chard and Corn Puree. The ladies all seem charmed.

* Gail says that Chilean sea bass isn’t the most politically correct fish. What does this mean? Is there some danger/scandal associated with Chilean sea bass that I’m not aware of? Or does the sea bass go around calling the other fish “Jew Boy?” Either way, someone else compares it to old people food, and Padma agrees that the third course was bolder. Tom dismisses the chefs.

* Gail thanks her guests for coming, and they wish her mazel tov. She says she can’t wait to get married! Commercial!

* Stew room! Danny pours himself a drink, and they talk about how intense the challenge was. Padma asks for the Old Chefs and the Borrowed Chefs.

* They head into the judges and are told that they are the top two teams. Everyone pretends to be surprised. This never fails to amaze me—they’ve called the winners in first for every challenge in every season for five seasons now. Why are they still shocked when they get called in first and told that they win?

* Anyway, the judges all compliment Jeff’s sorbet, and Stefan looks pissed off. Next they compliment Jamie’s carrot puree and Ariane’s perfect lamb.

* Dana announces that the winner is the person who made the most flavorful component of the evening: Ariane! She’s shocked. The other chefs are shocked. America is shocked. Ariane wins some Calphalon shit.

* Ariane is excited that she won, but wishes Jamie wasn’t upset. Jamie reflects on how she’s always a bridesmaid but never a bride with the Elimination Challenges, and everyone expected her to win. Oh, Jamie. First, we never saw any evidence of anyone expecting you to win except yourself. Second, if Gail has taught us anything in this episode, it’s that being a bride is not all it’s cracked up to be. You have to have giant parties of people who you don’t really like, but they’re more telegenic than your actual friends, so you have to invite them. And then a bunch of nut cases cook old people food and bad "sushi" for you.

* The other two teams head to Judges’ table.

* Team New: Gail was confused about how it was meant to be eaten, and Eugene admits to blanking on the instruction. He also admits to the rice coming out stickier than normal, and explains what he did to try and fix it. The judges say this didn’t camouflage the mushiness. Carla said she was unhappy with it but allowed it to happen. Danny is the only one who says he was happy with the plate, and Tom points out that it’s a conceptual disaster.

* Mushroomgate comes back up, and Carla gets called out for not tasting the mushrooms in her salad. Danny admits to tasting them and being happy with it, and Tom says the mushrooms were flat out bad.

* Leah was happy with Team Blue’s dish. Gail says that the flavor was fine, but the texture was lacking. Tom didn’t care for the dish, and adds “it gave me the blues.” Oh Tom. You are such a wit. He thought it was safe—the opposite of the other team, who took risks but made a mess.

* They send the chefs out so they can deliberate.

* Gail says that Fabio/Melissa/Leah’s dish was oversimplified, and Padma counters that the New team’s dish was so subpar that it’s indefensible. Dana agrees that each member of the team made catastrophic individual mistakes. Padma allows that Carla’s salad was the brief bright spot, but she should’ve spoken up. Dana says Danny did very small components and still fucked them up, and Tom agrees that it’s incomprehensible that he likes that dish. Gail is offended that Eugene tried to salvage bad rice and fed it to them. Dana questions his judgment.

In case you couldn’t tell from that completely unbalanced commentary, someone from the “New” team is going home. Commercial!

* Back! Tom says that the judging was particularly harsh because this was a personal event. He tells team Blue that their food was boring, and that if they keep cooking that way, they won’t be there much longer. They’re excused.

* Team New: both execution and conception were wrong. Eugene should’ve thrown the rice out; Carla should’ve spoken up more; Daniel’s contributions were a waste of time. Tom would like to send all three of them home.

* But they can’t, so Padma tells Danny to Pack His Knives and Go. Thank God. I was terrified that they were going to send home Eugene.

* Anyway, Danny thinks he might’ve been here longer if he’d thrown people under the bus, and he thinks they made the wrong decision. Then there’s a football analogy that I just don’t understand, both because I don’t watch football and because it seems to imply that someone else screwed him over, which we didn’t see happening.

* Next! Christmas! MARTHA!!!! Food Borne Illness! Tears! Natasha Richardson!