Top Chef: On Brulee and "Today"

Crème Brulee? No way.
After under bus throwing
Alex leaves to wed.

Ok. So I’m not going to pretend I’m all busted up about Alex leaving. I didn’t have that much of an opinion of him, and he didn’t seem to be a world beater or anything more than chefly cannon fodder, really. But—BUT, children! This is the first week that I’m actually invested in the outcome.

Why? Because of Melissa. Because before now, I had no reason to hate her except for her shitty, uneven sheepdog bangs and her manky ungroomed eyebrows, and I felt shallow about that. But now—NOW—that she’s proved to be just a fucking loser bitch who tries to undercut her competitors to save her own ass, and can’t even be bothered to come up with her own strategies to undercut them, but has to be spoonfed those tactics by stronger competitors. . .

.. . .well, just brace yourself. I’m going to call her a lot of horrible names in this recap, and they’ll all center around the asstasticness of her hairdo. So here we go:

* Morning! The sun rises over NYC. Jeff lifts weights (moderate nom), Ariane pours coffee and talks about how she wants to keep doing well after her turkey success. Alex misses Richard, who was his roommate, but is glad that Richard left a letter. He reads it to Jamie and Carla and they all get sobby (I don’t know if reading it to them was Richard’s instruction or Alex’s decision). After Alex reads the letter, he reminds us that he has a fiancée, just so we won’t get any ideas from the fact that he was crying over the loss of his gay bear roommate. Jamie says she’s fine being the last remaining stripe in team rainbow.

* Quickfire! The chefs get to the kitchen and Padma and Rocco DiSpirito are there. Fabio reminds us that Rocco “’eez not reely Eetalian, but you know, ee as a lot of knowledge about eetalian cuisine.” Yep. Still love Fabio.

* Padma tells the chefs that it’s time for breakfast. Yay! I love the breakfast challenges—there’s so much opportunity for delicious bacon centric recipes that I’ll be able to recreate at home. Jamie says that this is her worst nightmare because she doesn’t eat breakfast. Bad lesbian—don’t you know that breakfast is the most important meal, ever?

* The challenge is to create a breakfast amuse bouche. They have 30 min, and Rocco will choose his favorite as the winner. He tells them he loves bacon. Yay! Aside from being “not really eeetalian” and completely self centered, this is the first thing Rocco and I have in common.

* Food frenzy. Stefan uses an egg tool to cut a perfect round out of the shell. Jeff has too many ideas and doesn’t know what to do. Daniel is working with corn flakes; Ariane is working with bacon and a stuffed French Toast she makes for her kids. Fabio says that what makes him happy for breakfast is something sweet like a brioche, some fruit and a cappuccino. Melissa McShitty Hair breaks her egg yolk. And then we get the dishes:

1) Melissa: French toast with eggs, strawberries, and bacon. Her dish is as boring as her face. Even I could do that shit in 30 minutes. And I wouldn’t break the egg yolk.
2) Stefan: Huevos Rancheros with salsa and cheese served in the shell.
3) Radhika: potato cake with a mini omelet. It looks truly awful--like a brown blob with a yellow smear.
4) Daniel: cornflake crusted zucchini flower stuffed with hash. This gets my first true VOM of the season
5) Ariane: stuffed French toast with chili maple syrup. The French Toast is stuffed with bacon. NOM—I love anything that combines sweet and savory
6) Jamie: BLT Breakfast sandwich with egg and balsamic sauce. Another NOM.
7) Leah: Bacon, Quail Egg and Cheese with grilled bread. I hate quail eggs so much. She snootily reminds them that hers is one bite, just to drive home the fact that some of her competition aren’t really making a true amuse bouche.
8) Fabio: Brioche with brulee banana and espresso cream. Rocco and Padma find the espresso too thick and pudding-y.
9) Jeff: Twice baked potato and yogurt sorbet with fruit.

Is anyone else kind of semi-keeping track of whose and how many dishes we see during the quickfires? I don't know if it's significant or not, but this week we saw 9/13 chefs and didn't see Alex, Eugene, Carla, or Hosea. Last week, we saw 9/14, and not Alex, Hosea, Eugene, Jeff, or Radhika. The week before, we saw 10/15, but not Jeff, Alex, Melissa, Leah, or Richard.

I kind of want to make a conspiracy theory about how one of the chefs we don't see during the quickfire goes home the next week. If Eugene, Carla, or Hosea is out next week, I'm declaring it official.

* Anyway. Rocco says only a few got both the breakfast and amuse bouche aspects right. His least favorites were Daniel, since cornflakes were all he tasted, and Fabio, whose dish was too dessert-y.

* His Favorites were Stefan for his great presentation; Leah who had great arrangement in a perfect bite; and Jamie, whose was beautifully assembled and perfectly executed. If he could pick two it would be Jamie and Leah. But he picks Leah and gives her a copy of his new book Rocco Gets Real.

* Leah is happy to have won two quickfires in a row. Jamie is pissed that Leah’s gotten immunity again and she keeps coming in second.

* Elimination Challenge! Padma tells them that it’s important to raise their profiles as chefs so people know about their cooking. For elimination, they’ll show them how they’d introduce themselves and their food in a 2.5 minute presentation for a live television segment. They’ll each do the presentations for the judges in the kitchen. Recipe must be easy enough for the home cook to follow along. They’ll be judged on presentation and quality of dish. Commercial!

* Back! Whole Foods. The chefs have $100 and 30 minutes. Fabio heads for the tuna and makes the Whole Foods guys let him cut it himself. I love him. Hosea and Eugene are also at the fish counter. Eugene plans on demonstrating beginner sushi. Then they go and cut their own fish too. Ok, I REALLY like this group of chefs now—I’m still sorting out my individual favorites, but this is clearly a group with high standards and a good skill set.

* Alex talks about how he’s the only one to go out of the box and do a dessert. He sees this as a possible “free pass” because no one will be expecting it. He doesn’t seem to consider the other possibility, that it’s a surefire way to shoot himself in the foot since he’s not a pastry chef.

* Back at the kitchen, they have an hour to prep. Bangy McBang Face Melissa says something really boring which I can’t be bothered to pay attention to because her hair is so fucking ugly. Jamie is doing a salad with a fried duck egg, which she says she’s done on live television before. That seems like cheating. Leah is glad she has immunity because she’s not expecting to do well. There’s a winning attitude for you.

* More interviews about what people are doing, and then a baffling one where Daniel compares himself to Bobby Flay, because he wants his own restaurants and TV shows and to be in a movie. “I’m very charismatic,” he monotones. At this point, mercifully, Padma and Gail walk in because time is up, and we go to commercial.

* As we return, the judges enter and Ariane goes first. She’s making a Jersey Beefsteak Tomato Salad with Watermelon and Feta. She actually does a pretty nice job with her presentation too.

* Jamie makes her salad with Duck Egg, Bacon and Caviar. To finish in the allotted time, she has to plate her egg before the white has set up. The judges don’t respond well to this.

* Alex does a Rose infused Crème Brulee and is shaky because he’s not a good public speaker. He runs out of time quickly. A lot of head shaking goes on with his tasting because the brulee didn’t set.

* Jeff does a Malfouf roll with Shrimp and Muhammara Sauce. He seems genial and does a good job with their questions about the complex name. I get distracted every time Jeff’s caption card comes up, because apparently he works at the Dilido Beach Club. And I’m twelve.

* Fabio prepares his tuna with roasted carrots and asparagus salad, and simultaneously charms the shit out of the judges with his charm and broken English, telling them “I am fresh outta da boat.” Heart.

* Daniel makes ginger soy skirt steak and cabbage salad. He’s engaging and the food is apparently delicious

* Stefan serves Minestrone with pancetta and herbs. He’s horrible at the TV aspect of it.

* Then we get a couple of really quick ones. Hosea makes Crispy tuna roll with wasabi peas; Eugene does a a tuna sashimi and pea shoot salad.

* Melissa prepares blackened habanero shrimp. The judges all react horribly to the hotness and Tom has to take it out of the mouth. Please note this: Tom. Takes the shrimp out of his mouth. Not Padma or Gail, who’ve done stagey things like spitting food out before, at least once a season. Not the guest judge, whose job is generally to be an over the top asshole. Tom. Takes the shrimp. Out of his mouth.

* More quick cuts. Carla makes tortilla soup: Radhika has a sweet shrimp and cucumber salad; and Leah has made Duck breast with corn and blueberry salad. All three of them run out of time.

* The judges start with their disappointments. Jamie’s duck egg had a raw white. Leah was really unconfident. Alex made a silly choice and his dessert didn’t work. Carla’s nervous energy made Rocco uncomfortable, but her dish was good. Daniel was a lovable mess and mugged for the camera. Stefan did fine but his personality wasn’t great. Melissa’s was amazingly spicy and wouldn’t get asked back on a show.

* On the plus side, Jeff had a lot on the table but did it all and was confident. Fabio was a dream guest and put everyone at ease. Ariane hit it out of the park.

* The judges pretend to reach a decision about what to do, and try to act like it's spontaneous and not something they've had planned since way before the season started filming. But you know that whatever they've decided can’t involve an elimination because we’re only 35 minutes in and we haven’t seen Kathie Lee yet. And you know that it's not actually spontaneous, because it's not like they can just call up Today at the drop of a hat and let them know they'll be stopping by the next morning.

* Padma announces that the bottom 3 are Melissa, Alex, and Jamie, while the top 3 are Jeff, Fabio, and Ariane. They’ll see them at Judges table tomorrow.

* The chefs go back to their quarters. Jamie cries herself to sleep. Alex says that anyone who did a salad pussied out. Ariane sees that as a smart choice rather than a pussy one. Alex talks about how he’s getting married in a month and Leah says she doesn’t think his head is in the game while Melissa really wants to be there. She then gives FrankenBangs a pep talk, and we hear how Browly DiComaVoice is afraid of failing.

* Two AM. Tom walks up to the Chef Penthouse and rouses the top 3. Jeff says “Tom has all black on so it’s like Johnny Cash walking in.” Um, sure, Jeff. If Johnny Cash was bald. And a chef. And in the habit of waking people up at 2 in the morning to force them to cook for the Today show. Because oh yeah: Tom tells them that the hosts of the Today show will be judging their dishes and picking the winner. The chefs will make the food and then see the hosts sample it from the green room.

* The top 3 cook in the Sea Grill restaurant at 30 Rockafeller Plaza. What this show really needs is Tracy Jordan to walk in and give us a little "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah."

* Jeff is pissed off that he’s going to be serving a Middle Eastern roll to a bunch of ladies with unsophisticated palates at 6:30 in the morning. That’s . . .kind of presumptuous, Jeff. Don't be a dick. These aren’t housewives from Buttwipe, AR you’re feeding here, Jeff. They’re medium famous women who are probably quite accustomed to fine cuisine. Just because they didn’t go to effing culinary school doesn’t mean they have unsophisticated palates.

(Ok, so yeah. . . .I’m a little hypersensitive about this. At a friend’s party a few months back, I was eating this tremendously overwrought cake with two chefs. I mean, the thing was carrot cake with pumpkin mousse and pineapple gelee and ginger cream cheese frosting and about seven other components that I've since mercifully forgotten. So we all made kind of a piss face about it, and the tiny [probably] lesbian girl chef and I were talking about what was wrong with it. “There’s just too much going on,” I said, and she said “see, and if you can tell that even with your simple palate. . .” and I gave her a bitch face that was probably detectable behind my ginormous Chanel shades, thus damaging my chances with her hot guy chef best friend).

But I digress. . .

* Back at the penthouse, the other chefs notice that the top 3 are gone and a TV is set up. The top 3 have their food taken to the set, and head to the green room to watch. Commercial.

* Back! Meredith Viera announces the piece and Tom explains the challenge. There’s all sorts of cackling from the hostesses. Prepare for me to sound misogynistic, but I hate morning show women. Goddamn yakkity biddies.

* And the worst—THE WORST—is Kathie Lee Gifford. True confession: I’ve never actually seen an episode of any of Kathy Lee Gifford’s shows. This is partly because I’m kind of freaked out by Regis, and have never watched a full episode of anything with him in it (except his recent guest stint on How I Met Your Mother), and also because I dislike her enough just from snippets to not want to subject myself to large doses. So the only things I know about her come from 1) the scandal when Frank was cheating on her; 2) Carnival cruise line commercials; 3) when she got caught exploiting child labor to make clothes for Wal-Mart; 4) when she appeared on Seinfeld and Kramer spit coffee on her; and 5) the first season episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison tries to kill her. So the minute I hear Kathie Lee, I think of this:

Oh, Kathie Lee
How I’d love to lay you down
And lick every inch of your body
With my tongue.
Kathie Lee,
You are my sexual fantasy
Why don’t we get together and
Make. . .Sweet. . . Love. . .

But I digress some more. . ..

* They try Ariane’s first. Meredith hates watermelon (srsly?), but tries the rest. They all seem to like it. Then they try Fabio’s, and keep babbling. They seem to like it. They get to Jeff's. There are some Mmms, an aah, and a wow, and then Kathie Lee heads over to the sink and spits it out, making sure to draw attention to the fact that she's doing it and get the cameras to focus on her. She’s such a cuntsocks. I hate her. You were right, Jeff—she does have an unsophisticated palate. I'm sorry I called you a dick.

* The ladies confer and declare Ariane’s the winner. She jumps up and down for joy. The guys reluctantly high five her, then Meredith comes back to congratulate her. Ariane’s feeling good because she’s on a roll and back in the game.

* Judges’ table! The top 3 enter. Um. . .didn’t we just do this? It's pretty anti-climactic to have a judge's table when we know the winner already. But Padma asks how it was, and congratulates all of them. Rocco gives Ariane a collection of about 2 dozen of his favorite cooking tools that he’s hand picked as her prize for winning. She’ll also get to present a dish live on the Today show the morning after this episode airs. That’s awesome. Ok, I’m starting to like her. I still think she should have gone home in one of the first two episodes, but I’m starting to be glad she didn’t.

* The bottom 3 enter. Padma reminds them that they were their least favorites, and they start discussing why. Rocco doesn’t think anyone could withstand the heat in Melissa’s dish, and Padma says the left side of her mouth was throbbing. Gail says that part of the challenge was to make a dish that would be accessible to home chefs, and you don’t want inexperienced home chefs fucking around with habaneros.

* They turn to Jamie and she explains that she got frazzled because she wanted to finish within the time. Tom suggests that she could’ve flipped the egg to finish the yolk. Jamie says she’s learned from her mistakes and then Rocco says she acted angry and defensive. She says she was angry at herself.

* Finally, Alex wanted to be different. Tom says that in trying to be different, he chose a dish that was impossible in the prep time he had. Alex admits that he set himself up for failure. Gail says that a live TV segment is not the time to try something new.

* Padma asks if anyone has anything else to say, and Skank Brows McGee starts sputtering out the nonsense Leah coached her on about how much she wants to be here. Tom calls her on how that sounds like she’s saying someone else doesn’t want to be here. Alex admits that he messed up, but says he’s better than what he’s shown so far.

* The judges deliberate, and Rocco says that all three delivered an inedible dish. Tom says Jamie’s was close, but Rocco points out that raw is not close to being cooked, and that she was a disaster on her performance. However, he still can’t believe that Melissa’s still defending her shitty overhabaneroed dish.

* Cut to the stew room where Stringy O’Hair-a tells her posse that she focused on the fact that she wanted to be here while there are people who don’t. Alex asks Jamie if she’s trying to throw him under the bus, and Jamie says “um, yeah, dude.” Back to the judges, they point out that Alex’s dish was impossible, tough his presentation was fine. Commercial!

* Ok, Either there wasn’t a little teaser back from commercial but not segment this week or I fast forwarded through it. Oh well.

* Back! Tom reminds them of the reasons they all sucked: Melissa’s was too spicy; Alex’s was the wrong dish; Jamie’s egg was raw and then she got bitchy about it.

* Alex is told to Pack His Knives and go. His only regret is that he tried to take a risk and got burned. Hosea hugs Lousy Browsy and says he’s glad she’s still here. Whatever, baldy. Then Alex leaves to go get married.

* Next: Cooking for Gail’s bridal shower! Carla says it’s a trainwreck! Ariane freaks Jamie out! Fabio finesses the crowd! Old people food!