My self indulgence: let me show it to you.

To spare you all my thoughts on the WaPo food section's RIDICULOUS choice of pizza as the food to represent Phoenix in their Super Bowl article,* and to delay subjecting you to the multi-page, multi-video screed agains the lady in the Glade commercials that's been fermenting in my brain for months now, I've decided to participate in this interview thing that's been making the rounds lately.

So Freckled K came up with 5 questions for me, and I'll put up the following instructions for those of you who want to play along because you're also lingering in a creative void or trying not to write about advertising:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

But now let's talk about me. . . .

1) Marry/Boff/Kill – Spike, Sandra Lee, The Midget Mac Insult Guy?

So first, I'm going to kill Insult Guy. No hesitation--he's the only one who actually has a negative impact on my life. If he got close enough to my house that I could shoot him for trespassing (and if I still lived in a state where it was legal to shoot people for trespassing. . . and if I had a gun. . . ) I would do it.

Beyond that, it's harder, and it depends largely on what the "marry" entails. Can it be an entirely sexless marriage of convenience? Or does marrying someone mean you're going to have to boff them on the regular?

Because I absolutely do not want to boff Sandra Lee. I'm already afraid of nipples, and since hers are down around her knees, they'd be even scarier. And if I married her and had an entirely sexless marriage of convenience, I could come home every night to a tasty beverage--perhaps a Bananas Foster cocktail.

But I also know that her pronunciation would drive me crazy very quickly, and that I'd end up killing her if she tried to cook. And I'm only allowed to kill one person.

So I'd have to say I'd boff her once and get it over with. And then I'd marry Spike. Because if it can be an entirely sexless marriage of convenience, I'd rather have delicious burgers waiting for me every night than sugar laden cocktails. And if I have to have sex with the person I marry. . ..well, I'd just prefer that they had a cock.

Really, the ideal scenario would be one in which I married both, slept with neither, and we all lived together in a happy polygamous union of burgers and cocktails. We'd adopt children from abroad, and teach them how to wear hats and overdecorate tables.

(related: don't forget that Spike is among the "All Stars" appearing on tonight's Top Chef. Also, I'm tempted to take some Wednesday and go down to Good Stuff and watch Spike Twitter the show. Maybe I'll start a Twitter account just so I can Twitter him Twittering)

2) Why do you think that Teddy never gets to win the race? Is it a conspiracy?

Actually, it's just bad management. As with so many other things, the Nationals didn't do their research carefully on the Presidents' race. They saw that Roosevelt had polio, and decreed that there was no way Teddy should win.

3) If you were offered a $100,000 (tax-free!) to never eat bacon again, would you?

Yes. But I say this on the assumption that there's no way that the entity giving me the $100,000 can possibly monitor my eating habits at all times, and that I will be able to eat all the bacon I want as long as it's a) in the privacy of my own home; b) not purchased with a credit card; and c) brought to me by well meaning bacon-smuggling friends who will be in for a cut of the dough.

Then I will sit in my home NOM-ing my smuggled bacon with my middle fingers in the air going "screw you, meat facists!" and knowing I put one over on the man.

4) Of all the insulting nicknames you’ve created for your blog subjects, which are you most proud of?


Fun fact: on the long list of "posts I keep meaning to write but don't" is one that teaches you how to invent your own insulting nicknames for people.

I'm tempted to say "C-Nugget," both because I know it's beloved of everyone, and because I occasionally wear it on my boobs, and because it actually turned up in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. (Good movie, BTW). No shit--I'm sitting in the theatre, enjoying the movie, and then Seth Rogen calls someone a Cunt Nugget.

At which point I stand up, point at the screen, and yell "J'accuse, Seth Rogen! Cunt Nugget is MINE!"

Or, you know. The first part.

So I'm going to have to go with "TaintMonster;" "TwatWaffle;" or "Skeezy McVadgeChin."

All of which, harking back to question 1, are great things to call your hubs when he forgets to take out the trash or acts like a misogynist asscanker.

5) In the made-for-TV movie of your life, who would you like to play you?

I know you're all expecting me to say Katie Holmes, but you're WRONG. Katie Holmes will never play me in a made-for-TV-movie. This is because a) we look nothing alike; b) Katie Holmes thinks she's too big for a made-for-TV-movie; and c) Katie Holmes can't act.

And also d) the role has been taken. For years. Back in high school, when Sarah Michelle Gellar was playing Kendall on All My Children, my best friend's mother was obsessed with how much she looked like me.

She didn't. I mean, I guess there may've been a "Passport Similarity" in that we were both the same age, caucasian, female, had long-ish brown hair and brown eyes, and parted our hair on the same side. And now--now that she's a 5'2" blonde who weighs somewhere under a buck, and I'm a 5'6" brunette who weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of a buck twenty seven--there's even less of a resemblance.

But nonetheless, because of Mrs. S, Sarah Michelle Gellar has had a lock on portraying me in all made-for-TV-movies since 1993.

I hope we can find a way to incorporate convincing stuntwork. Maybe she can get into a street fight with Insult Guy (played by Midget Mac). Or she can leave Arizona and move to DC because of the vampires. Yeah, that's it. The vampires.

*Fuck you, Reitz. You're a loser. NO ONE associates pizza with Phoenix, and Pizzeria Bianco is not that great. Would it have killed you to make something with a Mexican or Native American influence? Or at least to fucking talk to someone from Arizona before you made such a stupid decision, which is clearly nothing more than a sad excuse to get pizza on your menu. Fry Bread House or nothing, asshole.