Top Chef: Sup(p)er Bowl Fever (with vomitting and hallucinations)

No more winky eye
Or random shirtless Jeff shots
What will we do now?

I’m kind of torn on this one, folks. On the one hand, in the context of the episode, I can’t fault the decision. Especially since a different decision could’ve sent Fabio home, which just won’t do.

But on the other hand, I liked Jeff, and I kind of feel like he got a consistently raw deal from the judges, especially Tom. His good dishes were shrugged off as merely ok, while what seemed like minor missteps were held up to unusually harsh scrutiny.

Also, I kind of feel like the scoring system was bullshit, but we’ll go into that once we get to that. On with it!

* Morning! Chefpartment. Carla puts things in Glad bags and talks about how she dodged a bullet. Leah talks about how she “guesses” she and Hosea kissed. I love when we can see people backpedaling from bad decisions—last week they “kissed” and then they “ended up kissing;” this week we can only “guess” that they kissed. Next week all they’ll admit to is that their lips were in the same room once, maybe. Anyway, Hosea talks about wanting to see Stefan go down. Usually he talks about wanting Leah to go down, so this is at least a refreshing change.

* Quickfire! Padma is there with Scott Conant, chef/owner of Scarpetta. Padma tells them the Super Bowl is just around the corner. They all look horribly confused by this, since it was “Thanksgiving” a week ago, and “Christmas” about three days later, and then it was clearly summer and they were supposed to be using seasonal ingredients on the farm. It’s July, people. Stop trying to convince us otherwise.

* Anyway, for their challenge they’ll play football squares, Top Chef style. Is “football squares” an actual game? Because they seem to take it for granted that everyone knows the rules, but fucked if I’ve ever heard of it. Basically there are two rows of squares, one with an ingredient and one with a food group. They put their name in a box where the rows intersect, but they won’t know their combo until after they’ve all chosen.

* Fabio goes first, and Padma gives him a peak at his food group, which is vegetables.

Fabio tells us “I am not excited about vegetable, guys. There is no reason to eat vegetable when there is meat and fish around.”

* So they reveal all their food groups first, and I could go over it, but it would be a waste since we’ll go over it again when we see their dishes. Then Padma reveals their ingredients, which are all oats. Because it’s the Quaker Oats challenge. How. . .exciting, and totally a legitimate test of their skills, and not at all a corporate sell out. Anyway, they have to create a dish using Quaker Oats and whatever food group they’ve been assigned.

(Appropos of nothing, I’m refining my notes while watching Paul McCartney on the Colbert Report, and it’s the most entertaining thing I’ve seen all night. I want to adopt Paul McCartney as my slightly addled seeming but still fucking witty and awesome Uncle)

* Um. . .anyway.. . .Food Flurry. Everyone discusses what they’re doing and Jeff pounds the shit out of some chicken. Carla tells us “Jeff is a really great chef. But he just can’t quiet the creative monkeys. He just can’t. . .reign ‘em in.”

Who would want to reign in their creative monkeys? Look how adorable they are when you just let them run amok!

* And then Leah has problems with her pinbones in her fish, and Hosea is enough of a dickwad to laugh about this in an interview. Between his obsession with Stefan and his constant gloating over the failures of the woman HE’S CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH, I think I officially hate Hosea more than Leah as of this week.

* So then we have their dishes. Stefan, who had dairy and oats, made Banana Mousse with Oatmeal and Oat-Almond Petit Four. For vegetable and oats, Fabio has made an Oat Crusted Eggplant with Corn and Parmesan Salad. Carla--nuts and grains and oats—has made Pecan and Oat Crusted Tofu with Oatmeal Lentil Salad. Jamie has represented fruit and oats with a Coconut and Oat Crusted Shrimp, Nectarine Salsa, and Avocado Crème Fraiche.

For meat and oats, Hosea has made an Oat Crusted WienerSchnitzel with Warm Potato Salad and Mustard Sauce. For fish and Oats, Leah has produced an Oat Crusted Branzino and Mussels with Escarole and Bacon. And to wrap it up with Poultry and Oats, Jeff has made an Oat Crusted Chicken Paillard with Grits and Fried Zucchini.

* Padma asks who “fumbled.” Ohhhhh dear, this is going to be just fucking endless with the football jokes and all, isn’t it. Anway, the bottom three are: Leah, who had a good idea but bad execution; Fabio, who overcrusted the eggplant so much that you tasted nothing but oats; and Jeff, who had a bad presentation and heavy dish.

The top group are Carla, whose dish was well executed; Jamie, who made perfect shrimp, and Stefan, who had great textures and flavors.

And the winner is Stefan. He says this is 5 wins back to back for him. He gets no immunity, but he’ll get a “useful advantage” in the elimination.

* Hosea bitches some more about Stefan. Because he’s a girl. A whiny, baldy, cheaterpants, bitchy little girl.

* Padma then tells tem that she has to set up the kitchen for the challenge, but there will be a surprise for them in the stew room. Fabio tells us “We been told that in the stew room there eez a present for us? A dog?” Omigod, I wish it was a dog. That would be awesome.

Alas, no. It’s chef’s jackets with their names and the number 5 (for season 5) on the back.

They come back to the kitchen, and there are football helmets everywhere. I notice there are no Cardinals helmets. Because the Cardinals suck.

* Fabio tells us “We go back to the kitchen an’ there are football ‘elmet everywhere. I theenk my challenge eez gonna be cook something, but I wish my challenge was gonna be just put one of those ‘elmet on an’ jus’ knock somebody off.” After watching the actual challenge, I kind of wish that too.

* Padma announces that their elimination challenge is “Top Chef Bowl” and introduces the opposition. Carla tells us they’re “past season all stars”. Ahhhh. . .they’re from past seasons all right, but I’d have to dispute designating them as “All Stars.” Except for Andrew, Spike, and Miguel, none of these people made it very far. Hell, Spike and Miguel are the only ones who even made it to Restaurant Wars.

* Anyway, the “All Stars” are Andrew from Season 4; Josie from Season 2; Andrea from Season 1; Spike from Season 4; Camille from Season 3; Nikki from Season 4; and Miguel, aka “Chunk Le Funk” from Season 1. And we go to commercial.

* Back. Padma explains that each of them will compete against an “all star” in a head to head cook off featuring the regional cuisine of one of the teams—Miami; Greenbay; Dallas; Seattle; New York Giants; San Francisco; and New Orleans.

* As winner of the Quick Fire, Stefan gets to pick his team and his competitor. He chooses the Cowboys and Andrea. This is, as Fabio points out, a good decision. Andrea was kicked out second in Season One, then brought back after another woman had to drop out. She ended up being kicked out again 6th, which isn’t bad, but still. She also has a reputation for doing all healthy/vegetarian stuff, which might seem to be a drawback in representing Dallas.

* The rest of them huddle up to divide the other teams. Fabio says “Padma gives us five meenuts to huddle up an seence the fact that I have no idea what’s going on een the F-L life, I peecked whatever they decided to don’ peeck. Wheech eez the Green Bay Packers. Welcome to the country of opportunities. Opportunities to make sometheen’ new for me?”

Anyway, the other match ups are as follows.

Miami: Jeff vs. Josie
Packers: Fabio vs. Spike
Seattle: Hosea Miguel
Giants: Leah vs Nikki
San Francisco: Jamie vs Camille
New Orleans: Carla vs Andrew. Carla is psyched because apparently Andrew is some sort of personal idol for her. Add this to the list of things that I find odd about Carla.

* Padma tells them that tomorrow they’ll compete at the Institute of Culinary Education. They’ll have 20 minutes to create their dish with the ingredients provided. Anyone who loses their head to head will be eligible for elimination. They have 2 hours today to look over their ingredients and prep.

* Jamie worries that this might be where she goes home. Now we know she’s not going home—anyone who worries they’re going home is pretty much safe. Jeff talks about how he and Josie both know the flavors of Miami. Hosea criticizes Miguel for doing something that’s been done, and Miguel interviews “I think that season 5 better be fully aware that the All Stars didn’t come here to play patty cake. I wish them the best of luck but I tell you they ain’t never be able to outbeat their grandfathers.”

. . . . .Outbeat. . . . .their. . . .grandfathers?????

* Fabio worries about the time constraints, but then says “I’m a professional chef. There eez nothing that can stretch [stress] me out. Eef they gonna give me a monkee ass to feel with the fry’ banana, I gonna come up weeth someteeng anyway. Eez not a problem.”

I would like to point out that this is the second preparation of Monkey Ass Fabio has offered us--last week he offered to serve us Monkey Ass with Empty Clam Shells. When you add Jeff's uncontrolable Creative Monkeys into the mix, we've got quite the motif going on.

* Carla has some sort of insane plan to make gumbo in 20 minutes. Andrew interviews “Dear Season 5. If you don’t bring your A game, you’re gonna get fucking stomped. And I will be peeing on your bodies.” Aw, it’s nice to know that being removed from the stress of the competition hasn’t made Andrew any less creepy or insane.

* Back! Spike puts on a helmet and high fives Fabio. Jamie talks about how the “All Stars” are clowning around and trying to intimidate them. Then there’s some horsing around. Oh, that was the tease. Commercial.

* Commercials for The Beast really freak me the fuck out. It's like incurable cancer turned Patrick Swayze into this really intense, talented actor. . . .who can gouge your eyes out and skull fuck you with the power of his mind.

* Back. Day of elimination. Hosea wants their team to show they have the best skills of any season yet (they don’t) but feels it’s more important that he win his individual challenge.

* Fabio rolls out of his top bunk, saying “I’m thirty years ol’ an I have to sleep een the bunky bed.” Then he talks about wanting to win for his sick Mama. Carla meditates and thinks about proving she has what it takes.

* At the Institute of Culinary Education, Padma enters in a “sexy referee” top, and explains the rules. There will be two chefs in each round. The chefs that win the judges’ vote get 7 points. The chefs that get the vote of the 5 member audience panel get 3 points. I think this has something to do with football.

* They pan the audience, and I realize the axed chefs are there. How nice that they give them something to do now that they’ve been kicked out of the competition. Sitting around the Sequester Apartment staring at each other and rehashing what you did wrong must get really boring after awhile.

* Round one is Leah v. Nikki playing for New York. The axed chefs root for their season-mates. Leah hears that Nikki is doing chicken livers, assumes is in bag.

* Nikki’s dish is Chicken Livers w/ Onions and Goat Cheese on Challa, while Leah has made New York Strip Steak with Creamed Corn, Snap Peas, and Arugula Salad. Leah gets 3 of the 4 judges’ votes, so she gets 7 points. However, Nikki gets 3 of the 5 fans. So the score is 7-3, Season 5 in the lead.

* Next up is Hosea v. Miguel in the Battle for Seattle. Hosea thinks Miguel is doing too much work. Miguel makes Cedar Plank Salmon with Noodles and Mushrooms. Hosea makes Crispy Salmon Roll with Ginger Blackberry Sauce. Hosea gets all of the judges but Tom and all but one of the fans, so he gets all 10 points.

* Round Three is Carla vs. Andrew, New Orleans style. Carla spouts her usual nonsense about putting the love in but doing it quickly. “Quick Love” she calls it. Isn’t that a show on HBO? About the zany polygamous chef and her three wives?

* Anyway, Andrew’s dish is Crayfish Crudo with Spicy Lime Vinaigrette, and Carla’s is Crawfish and Andouille Gumbo over Stone Ground Grits. Carla gets all of the judges’ points, but only one of the fans’ points. So the score is 24-6, Season 5.

* Next we have Stefan vs. Andrea, with Dallas. Andrea makes some comment about liking her chili hot, like her men, and Stefan declares his love for her. So fickle. Poor Jamie. Andrea’s dish is Tex Mex Chili with Fried Corn Chips and Guacamole Coleslaw. Stefan’s is Roasted Pork with Coleslaw and New York Steak with Corn Salad.

They split the judges votes, and Andrea gets all the fans, so they reward her the full 10 points. This is one of the reasons I think the points system is bullshit—if they split the judges’ vote, no one should get the 7 points that represents. You shouldn’t use the audience vote to tiebreak the judges’ vote AND to account for 3 points of its own.

Stefan’s response is similar to mine—publicly, he’s a gentleman, but then he gives an interview where he says something like “Fah shit dick.” Exactly.

Also, can I add that I love Stefan a little more each week? His competitors (cough*Hosea and Radhika*cough) may think he's an asshole; I think he's charming and they're weak, jealous, pussies.

* Backstage, Andrew does a fairly hilarious imitation of Stefan as one of the “pump you up” guys from Saturday Night Live in the ‘90s, and then Hosea gloats about Stefan getting beat. God, what a fucking dickbag. Commercial.

* Back! We pick up with Jamie vs. Camille in San Francisco. Camille makes Miso Sweet Potato Mash with Mustard Crab Meat and Salad. Jamie’s is Crab Cioppino with Olives, Basil and Toasted Sourdough. Ok, I haven’t said this a lot this season, but: I would NOM that. But I would pretty much NOM anything involving crab and sourdough bread, so there you go.

The Judges are split again, but Jamie gets the fan vote and the score is 34-16, Season 5.

* Jeff meets Josie in Miami. He rides down her presentation, and talks about how what she’s making isn’t really ceviche. Her dish is Warm Rock Shrimp Ceviche with Papaya. Jeff’s is Rock Shrimp Ceviche with Sangria Sorbet. Oooh, sangria sorbet sounds good. Alas, Josie gets 3 of the 4 judges and 3 out of 5 fans. 34-26.

* Finally, we get Fabio vs. Spike for Green Bay. Fabio tells the crowd “I weel bee cookeen venison in honor of the hunteen things that eez goin on een Weesconsin, an’ some salad weeth a stone froot an a cheddar cheese een honor of the cheese making that eez going on een Wisconsin.” He later wins me over even further by saying of Spike “eef your food eez beeg like your mouth, youll ween eet for sure.”

* Spike makes Five Spice Venison with Port Reduction and Micro Herb Salad. Fabio makes Venison with Mustard Sauce and Mache Salad with Cheddar.

Spike gets 3 of the four judges; Fabio gets 4 of the 5 fans. Final Score is 37-33, Season 5.

*Fabio celebrates: “Feeld Goal! You not gonna get these one! FAH! Home Spike-- loose eet!”

* Padma congratulates the chefs, thanks the “All Stars,” and tells the Season 5 chefs they’ll see them at Judges table. Commercial.

Just to get this off my chest, I hate the supersized shows. Hate them. I have yet to see anything in any one of them that made me glad it was an extra 15 minutes long.

* Back. Stew room. Leah rides Stefan about losing to Andrea. Hosea talks about how the three chefs in the bottom are good, and one of them going will improve his chances in the finale. Dickbag.

* Padma calls in the winners and congratulates them for winning Top Chef Bowl. Toby Young tells Carla he could taste the love this time. Um, ew. They all get compliments, and it’s really boring.

* The winner is Carla. She gets two tickets to the Super Bowl, and it’s only then that I put it together that the Super Bowl is on NBC, which owns Bravo. This is a perfect example of synergy. Jack Donnaghy would be so proud.

* And then Carla does some crazy talking again, and calls back the losers.

* Fabio defends his meat and says that it over cooked from resting on the hot cabbage. It gets kind of pissy between him and the guest judge—they’re like two steps from shaking their cocks at each other.

* Stefan is told his dish was uninspired, and called out for choosing Andrea because he thought she’d be weak.

* Jeff complains about getting beaten by “hot bean ceviche” and says he did 19 more things than Josie.

* Deliberation. Tom points out that these are 3 of the strongest competitors. Fabio’s dish was ill considered. Tom points out that Jeff’s dish wasn’t ceviche any more than Josie’s was. Commercial.

* Oh my god, this was a great premise for an episode, but why is it taking so ungodly long?

* Back Tom recaps everything we just spent a soul killing 75 minutes watching. Jeff’s was watered down; Stefan’s flavors weren’t strong; Fabio overcooked the venison.

* Jeff is told to Pack His Knives and Go. Boooo.

Fabio tells the judges that he appreciates the second chance. I kind of feel like this means Fabio is going home next week, because we don’t generally see people talking after the Judges’ reach their decision.

* Jeff tells us that he is beat up about how he lost; he expected Fabio to go home. He admits that he has a problem with keeping it simple, but that is who he is. He wants to be remembered as someone who went down fighting and gave it his best. He’s more than disappointed with himself—this will stick with him at least a decade. Which. . ..wow, dude. It’s a TV show. Don’t let it stay under your skin so long.

* Next: RIPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eels! Chef pants! Somethings gone very wrong. Obi Wan Kenobe?