Top Chef: Two for the Road

Many tattoos and
Many ideas; doesn’t mean
They are any good.

For Eugene, a guy I kind of dug, I went with the traditional haiku. For Melissa, though, something really special. To the tune of Bye, Bye, Blackbird:

Pack up all your knives and go
Your food blows
We all know
Bye, Bye, Bangface.
Fish tacos are bland you see
And so’s your person-
Ality
Bye, Bye ,Bangface.

And nobody seems to want gorgonzola crostini,
And your habanero shrimp

Was way too spicy
To be on live TV!

You may think this isn’t right
But I’m doin’ my happy dance tonight
Bye, Bye, Bangface.

So in this episode, we finally get rid of two cheftestants who’ve had it coming for a long old time. I’m not as sad as I thought I’d be to lose Eugene—his resemblance to Manny on GH only bought him so much good will before his attitude and defensiveness started to wear on me. And I’m thrilled—THRILLED--to be rid of Old Haggy Fringe Face Melissa, who wasn’t even an interesting person to hate.

But I’m not sure how I feel about the introduction of Toby Young. He seems like one of those people I like in premise, but not in person. It’s like internet dating—someone could look perfect on paper, but then you meet them and realize they’re just a dickbag who’s trying too hard to be outré. Which. . ..is probably how some of you would feel about me if we met, but whatever.

Anyway, maybe I’ll have to watch it again when I don’t have to pause it every twenty seconds to blow my nose. Maybe then it will be more enjoyable.

I’ll just point out before we go on that in the 9 p.m. timeslot, they rerun the Bridal Shower episode rather than the Twelve Days of Christmas episode. It’s both odd and reassuring—odd because they skipped it; reassuring because perhaps it indicates that Bravo knows what a massive stinking failure that episode was.

* So we have the previouslies and the credits, and I know I don’t usually recap the credits, but I just wanted you all to know—I finally saw the wink! And yeah--I don't know how I missed it before.

* Morning! Chefpartment! Fabio makes “breakfast of the champion: Spam, an the pork an’ bean.” You know, I guess all I needed was two weeks off from him, because, now, in episode seven? The accent? Totally back to not being old.

* We visit with some of the bottom feeders from the previous episode, in which, you’ll recall, everyone’s food sucked and no one was sent home. Eugene continues to defend his bad dish. Melissa didn’t realize there would be so much pressure. In a televised cooking co mpetition. My god, are you braindead in addition to being boring and coiffure-challenged? Plus, she has a monster zit on her cheek.

* For juxtaposition, we see Hosea being glad he won before we cut back to Jamie being disappointed in herself. So the lesson of this segment is: winning makes you happy; losing makes you sad; bangs make you look like some sort of demented she-werewolf.

* Quickfire! The chefs enter the kitchen to find Padma and

Award Winning French Chef Jean-Christophe Novelli “who will soon be starring in his own show on Bravo, Chef Academy.” Oh, tidy little bit of cross-promotion there, Bravo. Not at all clumsily handled. According to Jean-Christophe’s own website:

"’Chef Academy’ is a nine part series that chronicles his move to Los Angeles as he opens a cooking school. Ten chefs with varying levels of cooking ability are set to be trained by Novelli, all of whom want to improve their skills, some to a professional standard. This series will be aired on US TV in early 2009.”

I. . . .can’t wait?

* He’s an acclaimed pastry chef, which worries Radhika b/c she thinks it’ll be dessert. Um, also, apropos of nothing, I learned from his bio that his first book was called ‘Novelli Your Place or Mine?' This makes me laugh so hard that I almost forget that the pressure behind my eyes makes it hurt to laugh. Not to drop hints or anything, but there’s a mere 51 shopping days left until my birthday.

* Anyway, Padma yammers for awhile about how people are concerned with calories and everyone wants to enjoy their favorites without the guilt. Padma’s intonations and emphases are particularly insane this week. But then she says something that’s music to my ears: “Your Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire Challenge is to create the ultimate sweet treat. . . .using any non-sugar ingredient that tastes SO GOOD, we’ll think there’s nothing Diet about it at all.”

Yes. YES!!!! I am so pleased. I was thinking while writing up the TGIFriday’s challenge prizewinning soup entry that there’d been a sad dearth of cheesy corporate sponsored challenges this season. I mean, remember last season’s Rice-A-Roni challenge? Season 3’s Coldstone quickfire, where Casey made Sriracha ice cream? The Bailey’s challenge where Betty somehow thought it would be a good idea to mix Bailey’s and lime juice, and ended up serving a curdled drink?

Fucking Betty.

Anyway, that’s just to say: the only way this could please me more is if their recipes had to incorporate Diet Dr. Pepper. Some of them choose to use it, yes, but I think the fact that it’s not required is kind of bullshit.

* Padma and Jean-Christophe roll all of the sugar out of the kitchen so they can’t use it, and the chefs go on a 45 minute food flurry in which half of them talk about how they don’t bake; Carla talks about how she likes to bake, and Hosea makes something that Fabio compares to “green vomit.”

* Meanwhile, Carla tries to freeze some bananas but somehow doesn’t foresee other chefs opening and closing the shared freezer. So they don’t freeze, and she sautees them instead. I predict this will be significant to the outcome of the challenge.

* Soon enough, time is up and Padma and Jean-Christophe taste everyone’s desserts. And FINALLY we seem to have arrived at the point in the season where we start to see all of the quickfire entries. Fabio’s is a Granola and Oat Tart with Eggless Pastry Cream and Fresh Berries. Jean-Christophe says the cream is not cooked enough. Fabio thinks that French Jean-Christophe is still sour about France losing to Italy in the World Cup two years ago.

Moving onto Winky Jeff, we see his Frozen Cherry and White Fig Yogurt with a Baklava Spring Roll. Next is Eugene’s Mini Blini Burgar with Banana Lumpia “Fries.” Part of me thinks this is cute presentation; the rest just remembers Marge’s “dessert dogs” from The Simpsons. “Oooh, you’re doing a tasty-fake? That is so 1990’s. Why don’t we all move to Seattle and use slow modems?” Anyway, Jean-Christophe calls it “Original.”

In similarly taste-fake-y news, Melissa has made a Baked Dessert Burrito with Greek Yogurt Sauce. It’s very literal—she talks about the yogurt sauce representing the sour cream. God, she’s so boring that I actually find it exhausting to write about her.

Next we get Radhika’s Bread Pudding with Sautéed White Peach and Roasted Cashews . Yeah, I’d nom that. If there’s anything in the world I like more than a good peach, it’s a good bread pudding. Ooh, now I’m having flashbacks to a dinner in New Orleans where I had chilled peach soup for my starter and bread pudding for dessert. I go to my happy place briefly, then snap back to the business of furiously taking notes. Jean-Christophe calls the bread pudding “adventurous.”

Leah has prepared Crepe with Whipped Ricotta, Honey, Strawberries, and Balsamic Reduction. Stefan has made Sugar Free Mousse de Chocolate with Cherries. He charmingly speaks French to Jean-Christophe. The Finns, they get along with everyone. But I bet they suck at soccer.

Holy cow, there’s still four left. Argh. Why did I complain about not getting to see all of them? Anyway, Hosea’s is Green Figs and White Peaches Brushed with Honey and Balsamic. Arianne’s is Whole Wheat Crepe with Caramelized Pears and Toasted Almonds. Jamie’s is an awkwardly named Ricotta, Mascarpone, Peach, Nectarine and Cherry Napoleon. And lastly, Carla’s is Baklava with a Chocolate Disc and Fried Bananas.

* Jean Christophe’s least favorites were Carla’s bland bananas, Arianne’s pancake which was “missing a twist,” and Jamie’s overpoweringly cheese flavored Napoleon. His favorites were Radhika’s, which was well composed; Leah’s, of which he says he “loved the touch of your balsamic” and manages to make it sound filthy (Novelli: Your Place or Mine indeed); and Jeff’s, which was great.

* And the winner. . . .Radhika. AUGH. So she gets immunity, and says she’s on cloud 99.

* Padma then tells them about their elimination, in which Tom, Jean-Christophe, and Padma will be joined by Toby Young. . .who will be taking over for Gail for the rest of their time in New York. Wow, that’s about ½ the season. Long honeymoon, I guess?

* So tomorrow there will be a special challenge in honor of Toby Young’s arrival. . .but for tonight they’re off the hook. They should relax and take it easy. My initial reaction to Padma telling them this is “DON’T DO IT, GUYS!!!! Don’t relax! It’s never a party—it’s always a trap!!!!” But this one time, it’s not.

* Chefpartment. Eugene talks to one of his kids who has apparently taught the other to use the can. He talks about improving their life again. Yeah, he’s totally going home tonight. Commercial!

* Back! Radhika babbles some more about immunity, and Melissa wears some horrible pink sunglasses. God, you just keep giving me more reasons to hate you.

* Colicchio enters and has them all gather ‘round. Tom wants Toby Young to get to know the chefs food first, so they’ll be judged.. . .blind. YES. I have always, ALWAYS wanted them to do a challenge this way. No matter what Bravo says, I think the regular judges’ cumulative impression of the chefs’ work plays a huge part in the judging, and that even now, when two of the four of them will know the chefs' food well, this will alleviate some of that.

The challenge is to create a homestyle meal for a blind tasting for the judges and a group of food experts. And there are no limits—just cook something that shows who they are and what they’re capable of as a chef. Two cheftestants will be eliminated. They’ll cook in two groups at the AstorCenter kitchen in Manhattan.

* Because she has immunity and there are an odd number of contestants, Radhika gets to choose which group she’ll cook with. She chooses group A because Stefan is on group B.

* Group A heads out for their shopping. They have 30 minutes and $100. Melissa talks abou t wanting to represent her personality in her food. There are two problems with this: 1) she says she’s doing an Ahi tuna crudo taco, which the chef in her restaurant came up with. So it’s not her food. And B) what personality, Stankbreath Shagfringe?

* They get to the Astor center and start cooking. They have two hours to prep, and there is s o much fish in this meal that it makes me kind of angry. Meat is good, assholes.

* Thank god, Fabio comes to my rescue. “Dees challenge eez to show youself. Meat an’ fresh pasta eez myself. You know my gramma, she has like 500 years old recipes eez beautiful pasta.” He also talks about how he sous vide-ed the lamb in “temperature control-ed water.”

Yeah, he’s back up at the top of my list. I’m pretty sure that meat and fresh pasta is myself too. I’m damn sure myself isn’t some shitty tuna taco, anyway.

With 55 minutes left on the A-Team’s clock, the B team hits Whole Foods and starts shopping. Again, everyone seems to hang out by the seafood counter. Why? Why???? You’re showing yourselves in this meal, and you’ve all apparently decided yourselves are fish. Yourselves are cold, wet, and smelly. This does not speak well of you in my book. Carla decides to slow it down because she wants to be able to hear her intuition. She then decides to ignore her intuition, which tells her to make a vegetarian dish. She plans to make said dish and then throw a scallop on it. So herself is apparently a vegetarian who can't take peer pressure.

* Group A now has 30 minutes until service. Massive food flurry. Jamie’s scallops are huge. She’s doing the seared scallops again “just to prove” to the chefs that she can cook them. Fabio: “All she does eez scallops for chris’ sakes. Dees eez Top Chef, eez not top scallops!”

* Eugene is deep frying fish and sees this as a sign of balls. Melissa is cooking safe food. Fabio’s
lamb is undercooked. . .and my TV loses sound for about 70% of this sequence. I have no idea what happened. Anyone who wants to fill me in, leave your synopsis in the comments. Commercial!

*Back. Fabio is setting up the pasta maker, and . . .oh, it’s the crappy mini scene. Basically, they all make fun of Fabio’s difficulty setting up the pasta maker. I don’t think there’s really any malice to it, though. Commercial.

* Really Back: The judges and diners enter the dining room with 3 minutes until Group A's service. Group B shows up thinking their cooking time is about to start, but . . . .first they have to be the “culinary experts” at the A group’s tasting. Oh, Snap.

* The A chefs' food is brought out and then the chefs themselves, so they get to see that their peers will be critiquing their food. . Ooooh. . . and there’s a TV in the kitchen where they get to watch them backbiting. Sweet.

* First they discuss Radhika’s Curried Crab Bisque with a Lemon Scented Crab Salad. Stefan says he can’t even eat it, and Radhika whines that obviously he’s saying that because he knows it’s hers. Oh, why would that be, Radhika? Is it because you’re a one note hack who can’t make anything without curry in the title? Anyway, she shuts up when Tom agrees that it’s too heavy handed. Then Toby Young quips “I have found the weapons of mass destruction and they are in this bowl before us.”

Ugh. And I say ugh for two reasons—both because that’s. . .just trying too hard to be clever, and because ONCE AGAIN, Radhika has won immunity and then made something inedible for the elimination challenge. I want the judges to call her out on this.

Of Hosea’s Bacon Wrapped Halibut with Roasted Vegetables in a Beurre Blanc Sauce, Carla says the vegetables upstage the fish. Jean-Christophe thinks it’s made by someone who doesn’t know when to stop. Toby Young makes a dumb analogy involving British actors. You sir, are no Bourdain. Stop. Now.

Next we have Jamie’s Seared Scallops with Fennel, Ginger, Garlic and Onions. Everyone likes it. Then there’s Fabio’s Rack of Lamb with Cheese Ravioli and Mushroom Sauce. They all say the lamb was undercooked, but Jean-Christophe thinks everything else is superb.Then there’s Eugene’s Crispy Red Snapper with Tomato, Basil, and Daikon Fetuccini. They all think the presentation is good, but the dish is not. Finally, we have Melissa’s Ahi Tuna Crudo Taco. Everyone complains about it having no salt and being too fishy. Then we have this beautiful exchange:

Padma: Toby, what does this dish tell you about the chef?

Toby: It tells me that he or she isn’t terribly confident. I think it tasted a bit like catfood.

BAM!!!! Toby Young, you just won someof my good will back, you pasty British bastard. I can’t resist:

* Now group B has two hours until service. Carla is glad they’re in group B because they know who the focus group is so they won’t have the same surprise group A did in that department. New food flurry. Jeff is doing the most prep; Stefan is doing a dish that reminds him of home; Leah is doing something she’s never tried before.

* Service #2! They go through the same rigamarole of parading the group out and then sending them to the kitchen, where they realize the other chefs got to watch them. Ha-ha. Jamie says that if this is what she’s up against, she’s confident that she’s winning the challenge.

* They open with Stefan’s Steamed Duck Breast and Braised Cabbage with Bread Dumplings. Radhika doesn’t like it, but I’m 100% sure she’s just saying that because she knows it’s Stefan’s (hoist by your own petard, huh Radhika?). Fabio and Tom think it works.

* They move on to Jeff’s Trio of Tapas: Oysters, Seared Tuna, Avocado Sorbet and Grilled Peaches. Tom doesn’t like it, but Toby thought it was the standout of the group. Ariane has made Skate Wing with Pineapple and Cauliflower Puree. They all seem to like it. Leah’s dish is Seared Rouget Encrusted in Bread with Fried Beans in Chorizo Sauce. Jamie hates it; Toby Young loves it and calls it a “pan-European take on Fish and Chips.”

* We close with Carla’s Seared Scallop on Top of Risotto with Gremolata Topping. They all seem to think the scallop itself was good, but not the other components.

* The judges have a brief discussion. Tom says that he thought B was a much better group, and that they’re starting to learn from their mistakes. Commercial!

* Back. In the stew room, Hosea feels bad that Melissa is worried that she’s going to go out without having done her best work yet. Then. . .maybe she should’ve been doing her best work all along? I mean, I’m no rocket scientist, but to me that would seem to be the easiest way to keep oneself from going home.

* Padma calls in the chefs who made the skate, duck, and fennel scallop—aka Ariane, Stefan, and Jamie. They’re the top 3. The judges say a lot of stuff, and Toby Young talks way too much and thinks he’s way too clever. Ugh. I don’t think I’m going to dig him at all.

* Jean-Christophe announces the winner. . . .Jamie! Yay!!!!But she gets no prize, which totally blows. Not even a free copy of Novelli: Your Place or Mine? Come on, you cheapskate Frog sumbitch.

* Everyone congratulates her, and she calls back Melissa, Eugene, and Carla. Two of them will be eliminated.

* Carla says wasn’t happy with her dish because she wanted to make the vegetarian risotto, but then she put the scallop on top of it. She talks about wanting to wow people with flavor. I find her edit in this episode confusing—it makes her look really dumb since the tasters liked the scallop but not the other components.

* Moving on to Melissa, she says she enjoyed the challenge because it’s the first time she’s seen the food critiqued while being eaten. Um? Maybe you want to say something about your food, moron? Tom calls the dish a failure of imagination, because fish tacos aren’t the way to wow them. Jean-Christophe says it was “very watery. Very bland.” Oh my god, it’s like they’re describing her soul. Toby Young finishes: ”You could smell it in a way that wasn’t pleasant.” And suddenly, he’s back in my good graces.

* Eugene talks about how he thinks outside the box. Tom points out that his ingredients didn’t work. Jean Christophe adds that the dish was visually the best but the fish was overcooked.

* Now we get to the “anything else to add?” portion of events. Eugene says “has a better perspective on what you guys look for” and says he was too creative. Ouch, backhanded compliment. Melissa says “so much more I have to offer as a chef and as a creator. . . I want to be here more than anything.” That says nothing about your food, and doesn’t distinguish you from any other chef in the competition, Snagglebrow. You’re about 5 weeks too late for that “I have the desire to be here” bullshit to hold water. Carla says “if you take my scallops off my dish, it would be perfect.” Again: this makes her look epically stupid given what we saw of the critique of her dish.

* Padma dismisses them and points out that while they usually have to choose one to go, this time they have to choose one to stay. Toby Young thinks Gene deserves another chance. Tom wishes he’d honored the fish more. Melissa showed them who she is with her fish tacos. . .and that’s why she should go. SNAP. Carla doesn’t have the courage of her convictions. So they make a decision and. . .commercial.

* Back! Tom points out that this was a straightforward challenge—they were supposed to cook to their hearts content, show their personality, and wow the judges.

* Gene’s food was wildly creative, but his skill level needs to catch up. Melissa’s food showed who she was—someone with no imagination or creativity. DAYUM! And Carla ruined an exceptional dish with overthinking.

* Melissa and Eugene are told to pack their knives and go. Yes! And augh. You take the bitter with the sweet, I guess. But clearly the right decision.

* Melissa cries about how people don’t realize how creative she is. Bitch, you had seven chances to show them how creative you were, and ultimately you made fish tacos. My sound pops in and out during the farewell segment, but what I do hear confirms that Eugene is a good guy who can take what he’s learned and the friends he’s made and exit gracefully, while Melissa is a whiny bitch who’s learned nothing, not even that her hairstyle is wildly unflattering.

* Next: Hung! Pigs! Chickens! Douchebags!