Top Chef: With a bitch bitch here and a snipe snipe there. . .

Cougar can’t cook lamb
When she’s thrown under the bus
By asshole lovebirds.

(Before I go off on my usual bitter tear, can I just get an AMEN on how effing lovely Ariane looks in that picture? It’s just pure and timeless and it says home to me. You go, Ariane).

I have thoughts, smurflings. Lots of thoughts.

Firstable, Leah and Hosea have joined Radhika on my shit list. Everyone else in the cast I’m absolutely cool with. Those three I want to punch in the teeth. I can’t believe how they sat around with their thumbs up their asses and let their teams fail. I hope they’re all stuck working together next week, and that whatever bacon wrapped fish curry on toaster waffles they manage to whip up gets them stabbed and then sent home.

Second, Ariane. I’m sad to see her go, and I never thought I’d be saying that. I can’t say it any better than she did, but to see her do SO WELL after those rocky first two weeks has been really impressive. Further, she’s elevated every team she’s been on until now, and it sucks to see her get shafted by those two douchebags.

And then there’s Toby Young. Oy. My chief problem with him remains that most of his “snappy” remarks are so labored and overrehearsed—“it’s like an American movie where classically trained British actors are playing character roles, and they completely overshadow the leads.” Give me a fucking break. By the time you get to the punchline, I’ve entirely lost interest.

(You see how I did that, Toby Young? I just came right out and said it. I didn’t give it a twenty minute preface like “it’s like an Emo Phillips routine from the nineties, and he drones on and one in his peculiar voice about coleslaw and mice and the golden gate bridge, and I’m stuck there watching it on video tape at a slumber party and thinking ‘my friends like this stuff?’ and the joke goes on for so long that by the time he gets to the punchline, I’ve entirely lost interest.”)

But anyway, he’s getting better at it. Some of his remarks this week managed to create the illusion of spontaneity.

Finally, there’s Tom. I’m sorry, Tom, I love you, but if you spend another week talking about “honoring the proteins” and animals giving up their lives, I’ll punch my TV. Tom’s rhetoric this season sounds like he walked into a fourth grade class during the unit on Native Americans, and it’s driving me batty.

But let’s get on with the show.

* Morning! Stefan is doing something with wax paper, Jeff is once again shirtless, and Leah is drying her hair. Hosea is wearing an “I Heart Padma shirt.” Oh, and look! You can buy your own at BravoTV.com. Just what I always wanted—to dress like a bald asshole who fools around with some chick on a national television show despite having a girlfriend back home.

* Quickfire! They enter the kitchen to see Padma and season 3

winner, Hung, standing in front of . . .something that’s covered

with a big sheet. Jamie recalls that Hung is a fast chef. Fabio
remembers that he loves fish and thinks that the covered thing behind them is an aquarium.

* Padma says that as chefs, they’re used to working with the finest fresh ingredients. So for their quickfire, they’ll work with . . . .these! She Vanna’s the blanket off the table to reveal a shit ton of canned foods. Their task is to make the most delicious dish they can without fresh ingredients. In honor of superfast chef Hung, they have 15 minutes.

* Massive food flurry. Everyone starts grabbing shit. Fabio narrates: “Hosea, he try to grab the can-ned arteechoke from my hand. Eez like ‘aw, c’mon, I need just wan.’ Eez like ‘scroo you, I need botha dem.” Presumably one of those “eez” is an “is” and one a “he’s,” but I wouldn’t put money on which is which. Also? The accent? Not at all old.

* Radhika blathers about how she doesn’t ever used canned ingredients, and sneers “it’s something a housewife would use.” Hosea reluctantly gives Stefan some SPAM after bitching about how Stefan’s “boyfriend” denied him artichokes. Oh, awesome. You’re a cheating bald douchebag, a whiner, and kind of a homophobe. I loathe you more with every passing second.

So lets get to the dishes:

* Leah has made Waffles with Strawberries and Sausage. Seriously? She toasted a toaster waffle and fried up some sausages. She wants to be Top Chef with that? All I can say to that is:

And Hung says that it’s crunchy. He doesn’t seem to mean this in a good way.

* Moving on, Stefan presents Baked Bean and SPAM Soup with Grilled cheese and SPAM Sandwich. Fabio’s dish is Mac and Cheese with Roasted Artichoke and Chili Pepper. Hung likes the heat of the dish. Radhika’s is Spicy Red Bean Dip with Grilled Bread. Hosea’s is Sweet Pea Soup with SPAM, Onion Rings, Pork Rinds, and Hearts of Palm

* With something completely different, Jeff presents Deep Fried Baby Conch, Coconut Sauce, and a Pina Colada. On the flip side, Jamie has gone totally simple by making Bruschetta with Garbanzo Beans, Artichoke and Smoked Mussels. Ariane returns to Thanksgiving by making an Open Faced Turkey Spam Sandwich with Gravy and Cranberry Pineapple Chutney. Finally, Carla’s dish is an Asian Salmon Cake with Fried Green Beans and Lemongrass Ginger Mayo.

* Hung’s bottom three were Leah, who didn’t do much; Radhika, who pureed a can of beans and made toast; and Jamie who should’ve seasoned more. You would think that Leah and Radhika would take a lesson from coming out on the bottom due to lack of effort in the Quickfire and step up in the Elimination. You’d be wrong.

* The top three are Hosea, whose dish was balanced; Stefan, who made something Hung would eat at 3 a.m.; and Jeff, whose components married well. And the winner is. . .Stefan. Seriously? He made grilled cheese. Hosea is pissed, and wonders if he’d have immunity if he hadn’t given Stefan the SPAM.

* Padma thanks Hung and sends him off. Then she explains that for the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will go back to basics. They draw knives with pig, chicken, or lamb on them, and end up in teams of three.

* Their task is to create a delicious seasonal meal based around their protein. They’ll be cooking a family style lunch, including dessert, for 16 people per team.

* Team Chicken is Jamie, Stefan, and Carla. Jamie doesn’t want to work with Stefan again because he’s pushy. Commercial!

* Oooh. . .Restaurant Wars next Wednesday!!!!

* Back! The teams return to the chefpartment, and plan. Team Lamb is Leah, Hosea, and Ariane. Ariane is worried because Leah and Hosea are on the same page, and are leaving her out.

Over on Team Chicken, Stefan wants to do everything his way, and finds it totally cute that Jamie gets pissed off at him. Carla says she can’t create in that atmosphere.

* Finally, what should be my favorite team, Team Pork, is comprised of Fabio, Jeff and Radhika. Fabio describes their thought process: “They wanna seemple lunch. So we say ‘no Indian, no overthinking, no Italian, let’s come up with a plan that can work well with all of us.’”

* We see a time stamp that tells us it’s 11 p.m. Jamie tells Fabio to tell Stefan (she also, charmingly, refers to them as boyfriends) that she and Carla made some changes to the menu. Stefan refuses to hear about any changes. Someone calls someone else a douchebag. Jamie storms off.

* A new timestamp tells us it’s 5 a.m. Fabio verifies this, saying “Eez the morning of elimination. Looking outside, there is not even the sun.” Hosea doesn’t feel good about their dish and thinks they should make it more complicated and seasonal. Somehow he and Leah decide that roasted leg of lamb is more seasonal than grilled. Urrmmm . . .this was filmed at the height of summer. To me, grilled = summer. Roasted = winter. Hosea = dickbag.

*They leave to go shopping. No one on Team Chicken is talking to each other.

* The chefs drive for awhile. We know this both because we see a GPS that says “Ossining,” and because Fabio tells us: “We are driving now an’ there are booshes, trees everywhere, an’ I’m like ‘dozzin look like we are going to the Whole Foo’ Market.” Nope. They’re going to Dan Barber’s restaurant, Blue Hill at Stone Barns. Jamie tells us who Dan Barber is in the culinary world—you may also remember him as Richard’s “Adorkable” celebrity sous chef from the Season 4 finale.

* Dan Barber welcomes us to Stone Barn and introduces us to the head farmers, Jack Algiere (henceforth known as Old McHotty); Craig Haney (Old Mc Beardy); Shannon Algiere (Old McChick). They’ll be “shopping” with the teams.

* Jeff is nervous that they’ll have to restructure their menu since they’re shopping from the farm rather than from the market. But then they go out into the fields with their assigned farmers, and Jeff is all over the green tomatoes. Put the boy on a farm and suddenly he's happier than a pig in shit. Yay Jeff. He’s like the anti-Hosea/Leah. I actually like him more every week.

* We see more farm scenes, and then Fabio gives us his version of Tom’s insufferable “honor the animal that gave its life” spiel. He says “I am definitely not a vegetarian. But that don’ mean I don’ respeck another life. You born, you been rais-ed, and you get killed for the pork goods. But steel, een this lifetime process, you should get the respeck.”

I so totally agree, Fabio. I respect every life, especially those that get killed for the pork goods. Commercial!

* Mini scene. Jamie gets attacked by a chicken. Stefan calls himself the only cock in the stall with the girl chefs, the “chicken lady,” and 140 hens. Then he whispers “cock,” and giggles, and adds “I love that.” In doing so, he buys an enormous amount of my good will. I like him more every week too, even though the other chefs don’t seem to feel the same way.

Back! (finally). They walk in and find their proteins and a lot of produce. They have 3 hours to prep, so they start adapting their menus. Radhika can’t do the bread pudding they’d. planned because of the lack of figs. Um. . . .ok, that means she can’t do the fig bread pudding she’d planned to do, but it’s not like she can’t make some sort of bread pudding. They go through all the menus, but I’ll get to those when they actually serve.

* Ariane is working on the lamb while Hosea and Leah sit around and chat. Leah frets that she’s only doing a salad and a dessert. Then. . .maybe you should do something else, you lazy waffle toasting bitch cow?

* Fabio preps and freaks out that Radhika “took almos’ one hour to peel and greel ten cob of corn. Why?” Why indeed, Fabio. Why indeed.

* Tom thru! OMG, we haven’t really had one of these recently. Jamie and Carla smarm a little about Stefan being the leader. Jeff slices tomatoes and explains what Team Pork is doing.

* Tom talks about how they’re connecting with the food, and does more of his "honor the protein" bullshit routine. Tom is totally one of those white guys who takes one Native American Studies course in college and walks around spouting the three ideas he's retained for the rest of his life. He says Team Lamb’s leg has been butchered into smaller pieces so it’s not a whole leg of lamb. The Chicken Team shouldn’t have done soup since it’s warm. He also wonders about the crème brulee on Team Pig, given the history of crème brulee in this contest.

* One hour until service. Ariane rubs the lamb and has to tie it. Hosea worries that it won’t be done in time. Leah helps Ariane tie the roasts because Ariane doesn’t know how. Leah feels lie she could’ve done a better job tying them than she did, but it’s time to get them in the oven.

* Service! They’re feeding the farmers and their families, in addition to the usual judges and Dan Barber.

* Team Lamb serves Lamb two ways—Roasted Loin and Roasted Roulade of Lamb Leg; Rosemary Garlic Roasted New Potatoes; and Heirloom Tomato Salad.

*Jeff introduces Team Pork as “the 3 little pigs.” Aw. They’ve made: Sausage, Zucchini, and Eggplant Ravioli with pesto; Fried Green Tomatoes with Tomato Jam; and Seared Pork Loin and Grilled Corn Salad with Bacon.

* Finally, Team Chicken has made Chicken Cutlet with Mizuna, Corn, Onion and Tomato Salad; Lemon Herb Roasted Chicken with Tomato Salad; and Chicken Ravioli Soup.

* Eating: Padma doesn’t see the point of the soup on an 85 degree day. They seem to like the roasted chicken and the cutlet. Dan Barber says the lamb is a mess and Tom adds that the butchering is poor and they went pesto crazy.

* Toby Young then gets off a good line: “You’ve heard the expression mutton dressed as lamb; this is lamb dressed as mutton.” BOOM. That’s a bon mot for you. Spontaneous.

* Padma likes Team Lamb’s potatoes, and. Tom likes the chard but wants to see stems. He then goes off on the first of several lengthy speeches about how this was no way to honor the lamb. I bet Tom tells people that his Indian name is "Struts with Big Cleaver."

* Moving on, Padma says that the Pork Team’s ravioli is fine, but you can’t taste anything but the pesto. Toby Young chimes back in: “the pesto is the big bad wolf which has blown this pig’s house down.” Oh no. No, no, no. You were doing so well, Toby Young. Now you’re back to the labored crap again.

* Tom wishes they’d cooked the pork on the bone, as a better way to honor the protein. In other news, Tom Colicchio is so filled with honor for the animals that he cries a single tear every time he breaks down a chicken. Padma adds that the star of the dish is the tomato.

* Dessert! Carla for Team Chicken has made a Nectarine and Strawberry Tartlet with Thyme, Cream and Lemon Zest. For Team Pork, Jeff presents a Vanilla and Lavender Scented Crème Brulee. And for Team Lamb, Ariane tells us about a Summer Berry Trifle with Vanilla Crème.

* Tom raves about the tartlet and Barber says it’s intelligently done. Padma says the crème brulee is too sweet. Barber found Team Lamb’s trifle unappealing. Commercial!

* Back! Padma calls in Team Chicken. They are the top group. The judges compliment Carla’s dessert, and the team talks about the compromises they made. Dan Barber announces the winner is. . . . .all of them! Carla’s excited that she finally got her win. Padma asks them to send back the other two teams.

* After explaining that both the teams did poorly, they start with Team Pig. Jeff gets called out for removing too much fat. He does some weird gaping faces here, and I wonder if he might be slightly deaf. Fabio was too heavy wit the pesto. Radhika did the grilled corn salad and collaborated in the dessert. Tom calls her out for not doing enough. Ha.

* Moving on to Team Lamb, they’re asked why they did the roulade. Ariane talks about tenderizing the lamb, and Dan Barber points out that baby lamb is already tender. Padma asks why Ariane was the only one dealing with the lamb, and Leah and Hosea stand there silent for a moment before trying to defend themselves. Ariane points out that she had tried to talk them out of a technique she wasn’t familiar with, and says Leah helped with the tying (which has been called out as uneven). Hosea gets called out for not helping with the lamb when he has more experience with it. And Tom says a lot of bullshit about honoring the proteins, and borrowing the land from our children, and how WakanTanka does not make any two birds or animals or human beings exactly alike.

Ok, maybe he just says the honoring the proteins bullshit.

* They’re sent back to the stew room so the Judges can deliberate. Toby Young calls the pork dish bloodless and anemic, adding “when I’m faced with a beautiful well reared piece of meat, I don’t want to stand back and admire it. I want to have full blown, unprotected sex. And I didn’t even get to first base with the pork.” Ok. I like that. It was a little long, but I liked it. Mostly because I too want to have full blown, unprotected sex with pork.

* Tom says the lamb was just butchered, period, and Barber adds that there was no thought behind it. Tom wonders “can we make a case for sending Radhika home since she did very little work at all?” Yes, please.

* They keep talking. Ariane did a disservice to the lamb; Hosea did a disservice to the team by not helping. We see the stew room where Leah is whispering to Hosea, just to underline the fact that they're grade school style schemers and all around taintlickers.

*Padma feels like Leah is letting Ariane take the fall. Dan Barber found her not owning up reprehensible. Commercial!

* Back! Tom tells them they were quite disappointed with both dishes, and that neither team honored their protein. He then reminds them that when the earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear, and that when that happens The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them (The Warriors of the Rainbow are not to be confused with Team Rainbow).

Ok, maybe I projected that last part. Tom, Chief Seattle--six of one, half dozen of the other, am I right? Anyway, Radhika didn’t contribute a whole lot; Fabio drowned the pork in pesto; Jeff took the fat away from the pork and the brulee was too sweet, but his tomatoes were great. Pork team is spared.

* On Team Lamb, Leah didn’t contribute much at all. Ariane took a role she wasn’t ready for in butchering the lamb. Hosea let his teammate flounder.

* Padma tells Ariane to Pack Her Knives and Go. And I’m pissed. And so is Ariane. Tom tells her that when it comes time to die, we should be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.

Ok, Tom didn't say that. Chief Aumpumut did. But after all of Tom's "honor the protein" schtick the last few weeks, would you really be surprised if he did say that?

* She interviews that she doesn’t think it’s fair that she’s going home when her team sucked as team players. She says what goes around comes around. She’s proud of what she’s done in starting at the bottom and shooting to the top.

Next: Restaurant Wars! Hideous! Trouble in Leah Hosea paradise! Radhika has no control in a leadership roll! Leah and Hosea sleep on the couch and grope each other despite both having partners! And Tom shows up to judging wearing a full on war bonnet.