Please, Mr. Postman (part one)

So this week, we’re going to be exploring some of the wonderful things I’ve gotten in the mail recently (except, of course, on Thursday. On Thursday, as usual, we’ll be exploring Top Chef and the wonderful things it does to my blood pressure).

This is in part to keep me from writing about A-Rod (a 6 page post which consisted entirely of the letters “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” and the words “I told you so” and “suck it,”). But it’s also because I’ve gotten some wonderful things in the mail lately. Vintage copies of Trixie Belden books. Replacement sunglasses that I got at about 1/5 of the retail price. A super hot cocktail ring made out of an antique button.

And then there was this:

. . . which, is pretty wonderful in and of itself, but then you add to it the fact that it was my FREE PREMIER ISSUE, and it becomes even more wonderful.

And so we present “I read the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine so you don’t have to.” By me.

(Here is photographic evidence of me reading the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine so you don't have to. Please ignore the giant bag of knitting and the pants draped over the storage bench in the corner: )

1) The magazine opens with a letter from Sandra to us, in which we’re informed that this is the culmination of a dream long in the making, and that “this issue, and every one that comes after it, is created as a love letter from me to you.” Oh, barf. I don’t think I want to read Sandy’s love letters—they’re probably full of i’s dotted with little hearts and declarations of love so heartfelt and overwrought that they make Twilight look like a masterwork of literary subtlety.

Then she goes into her usual spiel about how this is for women who have “more tasks than time, and. . .must make every minute count,” and that she’s going to make this easy because she’s “your go-to sister, your personal advocate, and your private cheerleader.” (7) Oy. There’s nothing more I hate than when this cow tries to play patron saint of the Everywoman. You know who had more tasks than time? My mother, when she was working 60-ish hours a week for most of my childhood. And yet she never tried to cram any of the crap this hack shills down our throats (I didn’t even taste jarred pasta sauce until I was 18).

Anyway. Moving on, we have 2) the first of many “articles”/photo spreads encouraging us to “Pink It Up” and shill a lot of pink crap. . . ok, some of it I kind of heart, like the Pink Buttercream Frosting Hand and Body Lotion (which, for some reason, Sandra lists as costing $2 more than it actually does on their site); some of it’s cute but a rip off like the $85 retro apron from Heavenly Hostess (check out the as cute and more economical ones at Bambino Amore instead or just buy the real thing on e-bay); and the rest of it is. . . the two Sandra cookbooks that have pink covers. Barf.

3) A letter from Phyllis Hoffman, President of Hoffman LLC, the publisher of this mess. She talks about how easy it was to decide to partner with Sandra for this venture. Quote: “Sandra’s approach is always more efficient, more affordable, and absolutely validating to anyone, regardless of skill level or economic status.” (13)

Ok, firstable, all you have to do is review either of the Sandra Lee party posts or that time I killed my blender making her Bowel Cleansing Brownies to see how absolutely MADE OF LIES the efficient/ affordable line is. That’s nothing new. But what the fuck is this validation nonsense? Now I’m not just supposed to be feeding my theoretical family quickly and easily by using the 70/30 philosophy, I’m supposed to be validated by it? NACHOPOTATOES! are going to validate me?

Hoffman uses the “go-to sister” line too, so it seems like this is Sandra’s new catchphrase.

4) A spread on “Shortcut Chic” which tells us how to make vases from aspirin bottles, plant plants in our stock pots, and make “melon art.” Please tell me how cutting my honeydew melon into circles of various sizes, putting halved kiwis around the edge, and topping it with diced strawberries qualifies as a shortcut? What is it a shortcut from? Are millions of women carving their morning melons into swans or something?

5) Then there’s the “5 for 5 Supper Success” meal planner, where you get 5 ideas for weeknight meals you can make in 20 minutes. This is my favorite article in the whole magazine for a couple of reasons. First, the recipes are total trainwrecks. On Monday, you’re supposed to eat Greek Stuffed Potatoes--baked potatoes stuffed with chicken vegetables and sour cream. How is this Greek?

But the best one is Tuesday, when you’re eating Burrito Casserole. I’m going to share the Burrito Casserole recipe in its entirety, because I’m that kind of gal—I guess you could say I’m your "go-to sister." But please don't.

Burrito Casserole
Makes 6-8 servings
1 32 oz package beef and bean burritos
14 oz can mild enchilada sauce
1.5 c shredded Cheddar
2.25 oz can sliced black olives, drained
1.5 c. diced tomato
4 c shredded iceberg lettuce.

Line burritos in a single layer in a 13x9 inch microwave-safe dish. Microwave burritos on High for 6-8 minutes.

Pour enchilada sauce over the burritos. Sprinkle cheese over enchilada sauce. Microwave burritos for 1 to 2 minutes or until cheese is melted. Spread olives, tomato, and lettuce evenly over burritos. (26)

So basically her recipe for burrito casserole is to. . . microwave a bunch of burritos in the same pan. That’s not even Semi-Homemade. That’s like Semi-Truckstop-Foodcourt-made.

The second best thing about this feature? It has recipe cards with it. But the recipe cards are recipes that are printed elsewhere in the magazine:

See? You get the Spicy Cheddar Cornbread and Burrito Casserole recipes facing the Spicy Cheddar Cornbread and Burrito Casserole recipe cards. There are also cards for the Spinach and Roasted Potato Salad and Bacon Wrapped Eye of Round Steak that will come up later in the issue.

Does this seem wasteful to anyone else? Or is it just me? I could swear that every other magazine I've ever read has information (recipes, workout moves, whatever) printed either on the pages or on the pull-out cards--different information on each to maximize the amount of information the reader gets. Having the same on both seems. . . .dumb.

6) Recipes geared toward her unhealthy obsession with slow cookers. Seriously, every episode I’ve seen in the last year has at least one and sometimes up to four fucking slow cooker recipes. The recipes are odd, but not as bizarre as the chocolate beef stew she made Sunday.

What is odd is her advice on how to “Pick a Pot.” I actually read this because I’ve recently considered buying a slow cooker—mostly so I could make a lot of Sandra Lee recipes and then lose 6 lbs because they’re all inedible and/or make you poo nonstop.

The advice begins “Perhaps your mom still uses her slow cooker, or you forgot to put one on your wedding registry.” (36) Um, or your mom never had one? Or your mom’s burned out in the early 70’s? Or you aren’t married? Or you didn’t have a registry? Or you were raised to think that Crock-Pots were "common," and only for slatterns and bachelors?

I just can't deal with her trying to appeal to the contemporary "Everywoman" in one breath and then using these completely dated paradigms of multi generational slow-cooking happy families in the other.

7) Recipes for “Sensational Salads.” Truly bizarre. The recipes are Chicken Picata Salad (the vegetables are shallots, broccoli, and capers) and Cashew Rice and Pork Salad (the vegetables are an onion and matchstick carrots. Essentially it’s a pork fillet on rice pilaf. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but why call it a salad?).

8) “Brilliant Bakes” is a bunch of recipes I’ve seen on the show. I know I've seen a lot of episodes of the show, but I'm guessing her for-real fans have seen as many or more. Given that, it just doesn't seem wise to be repeating recipes they've already seen in the first issue of the magazine.

9) "Restaurant Remake" is the fake-up Cinnabon recipe that’s in the first cookbook, and was on the first season of the show. There are a LOT of retreads in this magazine.

10) A featurette called “Kimber’s Heirloom Easy.” At first glance, it sounds like Sandy’s calling her sister old and cheap—Kimber is Heirloom Easy. But no, it’s possessive. In each issue, Sandra’s sister Kimber is going to “modernize one of our family heirloom recipes.” (50)

Ok, on the one hand. . .it sounds like an ok concept. The left page has the “Heirloom Lasagna” recipe, while the facing page has the “Semi-Homemade Lasagna” (frozen onions, jarred garlic, Ragu sauce, shredded mozzarella and no-boil lasagna noodles). Aside from reaffirming my belief that I’d rather make the “heirloom” version, I thought it was ok.

Then I remembered that Kimber was Sandra’s younger half sister, one of the many siblings that teenaged Sandra—according to her own report—raised single-handedly on a diet of food stamps and Bisquick. So where’s the “heirloom” recipe coming from? Unless the heirloom recipe is for Bisquick pancakes and the Semi-Homemade recipe is an even quicker way to make the pancakes, either this feature or Sandra’s autobiography must be MADE OF LIES.

11) “Pantry Perfect” is the page where “Sandra shares her favorite supermarket finds that will complete the perfect pantry. These products add ease and efficiency to prep time, save money, and they guarantee your success.”

I have no issue with canned tomatoes, jam, or boxed rice (the brands are a different matter). And I’m a fan of the Ore-Ida family of products.

I do, however, take issue with using frozen hash browns “in place of diced potatoes;” mixing jam with “frozen nondairy whipped topping to make a mousse;” or opening a can of diced tomatoes to “drain and use in salads.” (52-3) Get out a fucking knife and take 2 minutes to chop a fresh vegetable, people.

12) The Semi-Homemakers Club share their recipes. This has been a feature on the show lately—having run out of shitty ideas herself, Sandy is soliciting them from sad hausfraus across our great nation. My favorite in this episode is the “Pizza Pork Chops” (55) by Shiela Zadai. Everyone give a “WHOOT!” for Shiela. . .

. . .for she has come up with a way to combine Texas garlic toast, Heinz chili sauce, and a pork chop into a delectable dinner for your family. And she has done this despite a lifetime of not knowing how to spell her own name (Shiela? Really?).

You can submit your recipes at http://www.semihomemade.com/. I’m not telling you this so you can go and submit shitty recipes on purpose, pumpkins. I’m just telling you.

13) The “White Hot” article talks about how “white dishes are the perfect stage on which to showcase your meals.” (62) Wow! I never realized! How innovative and never before seen. . . if this is 1983 and we’re in Fuckyerarmpits, Arkansas.

14) “Gardening Greens” tells us how to plant herbs in our muffin tins. I suppose you’re going to try and tell me that one could buy a 99 cent terra cotta pot at Target and not ruin perfectly good bakeware, but really? Where’s the fun in that? Muffin tins, people! It's not like you're using them to make muffins or anything.

15) “Easy Decorating” tells us how to embellish things with a yard of fabric, fringe, or ribbon. There’s a lot more pink bullshit, like pink terra cotta pots that you can embellish with ribbon and then make a grid on the top of with other ribbon to keep your make-up brushes in. Yes, that’s a much better use for terra cotta pots than planting an herb garden in them.

So if the makeup brushes are in the plant pots and the plants are in the muffin tins, is it safe to assume that the muffins are in the make-up bag? Because I think that would get kind of crumbly.

16) “Framed Jewels” tells you how to use a “salvaged picture frame” as a “masterpiece of organization for displaying favorite jewelry.” (76)

So my first problem with this is that as a grown-up person and a (mostly) functioning member of society, I’ve been keeping my jewelry in a jewelry box. And in my frames, I keep art.

My second issue with it is with the advice on “where to find” the frame you’re supposed to frame your earrings in. The first suggestion is “Grandma’s Attic.” Again, as a grown up person, I’m fresh out of Grandmas. And I’m pretty sure that at least one of them didn’t have an attic in the mobile home she lived in for most of my life. And the other one died before I was even born, so thanks for bringing up that painful fucking issue, Sandra Lee.

17) “Think Inside the Box” tells you how to use a box in various rooms of your house. Seriously.

18) The “All Organized” article “Writing on the Wall” is about how to create a well organized message station/corkboard area. This is the only article I actually liked, and that’s probably just because I’m so fucking desperate for ideas on how to organize my corkboard. . . .

. . . .and here I was going to include a picture of my corkboard so you’d get the idea, but really, it’s just too fucking embarrassing.

19) “Precious and Pampered” is the same sort of lipstick and perfume picks with the same layout that you've seen in 3 million other magazines. The lipstick brands are Revlon, Maybelline, and Nars; the perfumes are Revlon’s Enjoli, and Estee Lauder’s Sensuous and Knowing.

So. . .it’s all cheap drugstore crap or something my 94 year old great aunt would wear because she’s 94 and her sense of smell has faded and Estee Lauder is the only perfumier whose scents she can still smell. Awesome.

20) The “When Girls Gather” feature encourages you to have a bunch of girlfriends over so you can make “Cupid’s Crunch” (it’s like Muddy Buddies, but pink) and put it in ribbon trimmed Mason jars. Then everyone leaves with “giftable goodies for neighbors, teachers, and other special friends.” (85)

I kind of think this sounds like the worst party ever. Hey, come over to my house, and we’ll make a shitload of sweet pink snack mix so you can give it to other people. And three of you, you sit down and start hot gluing pink ribbon onto those Mason jars. Oh, and here's a pink cocktail. Because I know that a glass full of pink Country Time dissolved in Absolut Citron is the way to ensure that you do a quality hot gluing job.

21) There’s an “In the Community” feature that somehow involves you making the “love pops” (cherry lollipops) that Sandra made wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back in the first season of her show. Again with the retreads.

22) A feature on how to “rediscover relaxing” that gives you the same advice about drinking sparkling water and reading a book you can find in every issue of Better Homes from 1956 onward.

23) The Tablescape feature, “Funny Valentine” was the most disappointing part of all. I was expecting a full-on, Sandra-Lee style, chair on the table, scary doll festooned tablescape with twelve plates and an individual cake pedestal at each place. But we got:

It’s so fucking sedate and normal and there’s plenty of room for food and all. Bah. Sandy, you’ve failed me.

And really, that's the failure of this magazine. It's understated. The Sandy factor is dialed way back--it's like at 5 or 6. I wanted this to be a pure, concentrated, bi-monthly dose of Sandy dialed up to 11. If I wanted a legitimate lifestyle magazine, I'd read Real Simple. But this is too poorly edited, too much of a knock off, and too dependent on the 70-30 philosophy to ever work as a legitimate magazine, and too understated to work as fodder for the Sandra mill.

24) Step by step baking and decoration instructions for a heart shaped cake made of devil’s food cake mix, instant chocolate pudding, and cherry liqueur. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this on the show too.

25) Then we get instructions for a “Simple Sweetheart Supper” AND a “Shamrock Soiree.” The “Simple Sweetheart Supper” gives us the reprint of the Bacon-Wrapped Eye-of Round steak and Spinach and Roasted Potato Salad we saw on the recipe cards earlier.

It also has what looks like a really damn tasty Chocolate-Hazlenut Martini. I hesitate to say this, but. . .NOM. The lady knows her booze.

The “Shamrock Soiree” menu is for Potato Soup, Beef Brisket Sandwiches, and Homemade Irish Cream and Coffee. Oh yes, that traditional Irish fare, the mini-sized Beef Brisket Sandwich. I can’t help but feel that if there actually had been miniature Beef Brisket Sandwiches made on Rainbo Dinner Rolls with Worcestershire sauce in Ireland, my one Irish ancestor wouldn’t have needed to flee the country and come here and disgrace his family by taking an Indian wife, but whatever.

26) Finally, we get a preview of the next issue, which will be “packed full of recipes to celebrate everything spring—Easter, Mother’s Day, showers, and another tasteful weekly planner of 20 minute money saving meals.” (110) Oh, the grammar. It hurts. And then there’s a recipe for a chicken sandwich.

I finished reading and took out my invoice, prepared to write “CANCEL” in big letters across it. But something made me hesitate. It’s $19.98 for seven issues, and it feeds my morbid curiosity in a new way. Surely my bile is worth $20?

Then again, for $20 I could buy a DVD, or a book, or another totally cute super-reduced blouse at Banana Republic. Or I could put it in my freezer and hold onto it for when the economy gets even worse. And these are all things I need more than bile.