Top Chef: It's really the Antepenultimate Supper, but that just doesn't have the same ring.

It’s about damn time
The HoseBeast goes Home for her
Hollandaise Challa.

(it's a masterwork of quasi-alliterative Haiku, non?)

I mean, honestly, what’s to say? I’m happy; it’s unsurprising; and it’s way overdue. Beyond that, there’s not much to say about someone who distinguished herself not with her cooking but by whispering in a listless monotone all season and periodically sucking face with an ugly dude.

Beyond that, the challenge was good but aside from Fabio soldiering on with a broken mitt, the episode was unremarkable. Maybe it was because the outcome was such a foregone conclusion (no way would they have kept Leah and let Stefan go), but there wasn’t a lot of suspense or drama. It just seemed like something of an anti-climax.

Also, I had my teeth cleaned Wednesday morning, and while I was writing this, my jaw still hurt from hanging open for an hour. So let’s just get going.

* Morning! Chefpartment! They all talk about how rough it was that Jamie’s gone, but how she did screw up. Leah talks about how she was almost sent home and how winning would be a validation of why she’s doing what she’s doing. What, screwing around on your boyfriend with ugly guys? ‘Cause I haven’t seen you do much of anything else this season, chicklet. And Carla apparently used to model before she went to culinary school, and she wants to inspire other women to follow their dreams by making it to the final four. I would love to see pictures of Carla when she was modeling—she’s 90 feet tall and has fierce bone structure, but I wonder how the crazy in the eyes worked for the camera.



Suddenly I want a hamburger.

* Quickfire. They go into the Top Chef kitchen to see a lot of eggs and Wylie Dufresne. Hosea gives another one of his lame, uninformative interviews about who the guest judge is, as though the audience doesn’t know. Seriously, even the people in the Bravo audience who didn’t know who Wylie Dufresne was before Top Chef know who he is now since he’s appeared on –I think?—three out of five seasons.

* Padma tells us that Wylie is known for his obsession with eggs. Ok, that I didn’t know. So their quickfire is to create a dish with eggs that will inspire and delight Wylie Dufresne. They have an hour. Fabio wants to win this Quickfire because he’s never won one.

He describes his planned dish, and then tells us “Een molehyoolar gastronomy, you can change the taste of somtheen, the consistency of sometheen throo chemeekal reaction of the food. I am happy to cook for Doo-frez-nay. I can please his palate.”

* Egg flurry. Hosea snarks about how everyone’s running around but Carla, and he thinks her dish is too simple and Wylie’s not going to be impressed by her green eggs and ham. Hosea has fallen into the Top Chef trap of thinking that more automatically = better. But at the same time, I can’t help but recall Sam’s Green Eggs and Ham from Season 2, which went over like a ton of bricks.

* We see the food. Stefan has made a Poached Egg on Brioche with Ham and Bernaise; and a Panna Cotta with Mango Puree and Sweet Bernaise. Leah’s dish is Quail Egg in Potato with Caviar and Brioche with Ricotta and Bacon Hollandaise.

By the way, just because I don’t think I’ve mentioned it for at least 6 or 7 episodes--I fucking HATE Quail Eggs. BLAAAAAAH.

Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah. Carla has prepared Green Eggs and Ham with Green Tomato Salsa and Jalapeno Oil. Hosea did a “Japanese dinner” of eggs--Egg White Roll with Salmon and Asparagus; Egg White Sticky Rice with Poached Shrimp and Avocado; Avocado and Tempura Fried Egg.

Finally, Fabio has done Quail Egg with Buckwheat Pancake; Coconut Milk Pannacotta with with Mango Puree; Lychee Soup with Melon Yolk.

* Wylie Dufresne’s bottom ranked: Fabio was not comfortable with breakfast so he “danced around the egg.” I would like to see a challenge that requires Fabio to actually dance around an egg. Fabio, however, is not amused. He interviews: “Ahm PEESED. Ahm on the frickin bottom for what?” For dancing around the egg, Fabio. Weren’t you listening?

Also on the bottom: Hosea, whose components didn’t play off of one another, and Leah, whose fake egg was good, but the potato ravioli was heavy and greasy. HA-ha.

The good news goes to Carla, because Dufresne really liked the playfulness and humor of her dish. Stefan is also complimented because his technique very strong and his panna cotta really mimicked poached egg.

* The winner is Carla. SUCK IT, Hosea. Wylie talks about how sticking with one thing made well really pushed her through over the failed multi-component disasters. Having multi-components also made them a lot harder to type, so I'm in total agreement with Doo-frez-nay.

* Then they draw knives for their elimination challenge. Each knife has the name of a famous chef or food expert on it. In the world’s most perfect demonstration of stars aligning correctly, Fabio draws Lidia Bastianich. Hosea pulls Susan Ungaro, president of the James Beard Foundation. Stefan gets Marcus Samuelson. Leah gets Wylie Dufresne; and Carla draws Jacques Pepin. Or, as I prefer to call him, OMGJacquesPepin!!!!!!

* Padma tells them that they asked each of these chefs what their last meal would be, and the cheftestants are going to cook it for them. They’re all told what the dishes are (which we’ll cover about ten more times, so why bother here? ). They’ll create a five course meal on $300, with 30 minutes to shop and two hours to prep and cook at the Capitale. At the end of the Last Supper, four will move on to the finale.

* Stefan reminds us of the stakes here, saying “It’s huge to be eliminated as fifth. That’s a huge real shit stick.” I love how “shit stick” has become the official unit of measure for Top Chef, Season 5. Shit Stick needs its own shirt.

Commercial.

* Back! They go to eat at Perilla, Harold’s restaurant. I am tres jealous--for like, three years now I've been telling Limey "OMG, we're totally going to Perilla next time I come to New York," and then I always end up planning my trips too last minute to get a reservation. Anyway, Fabio tells us that ”Meet Harold eez a pleasure. He know where we gonna be right now.” Which is kind of like what I would’ve said in the same situation, except it would’ve gone “it was a pleasure to meet Harold. He always seemed like a class act on the show, and he reaffirmed this belief when he didn’t have me arrested after I leapt into his arms and licked his face.”

Commercial. Ok, so that was the teaser. I kind of hate the teasers.

* Back! Shopping! Carla talks about how she and Jacques are two peas in a pod. This is meant to be funny because part of his request was fresh peas. Hosea talks about how Stefan is the guy to beat because he gets people off their game. Stefan replies that you could cut his legs and arms off and he’d still run circles around Hosea, and how Hosea doesn’t have the balls to be a chef. Leah plans to put her own spin on Eggs Benedict.

* 2 hours to service. Carla talks about showing her confidence and how less is more. Leah talks about having something to prove and how she sucked ass in the last challenge. Stefan talks about how there’s nothing he could possibly screw up with this dish, which worries me.

* Then we get the sound of glass breaking. Fabio tells us ‘My feenger? Eet went completely back. An’ it crack. An’ I broke my finger.” There’s some pained babbling that exists somewhere between Italian and English and just shuddering. Oh, this is causing flashbacks of when I broke my toe. Hosea interviews about how pale Fabio is, and a medic asks if he wants to go to the hospital.

Fabio “Hospital? I’ll chop eet off, an sear it on the flat top so eet don’ bleed no more, an’ tomorrow I’ll deal with nine feenger.”

Fabio, you rock. You just rock. That’s all there is.

Commercial! My god, it’s like 80% commercials tonight.

* Back! One hour! Carla once again reminds us what the challenge is. So this challenge is 80% commercials and 10% Carla's exposition. Fabio struggles to cope with his gimpy hand, and tells us “I always say that’s so easy I could do with one hand tied behind my back? I deedn’t mean to!”

* He struggles more. “I got so many keek een my ass, that sometimes when I’m een bathroom, I steel pull shoos outta my ass.” Yeah, this is really the only interesting part of the entire evening.

* Hosea says his last meal would probably be a BLT. Fabio says he’d want his last meal cooked by his grandmother, not Top Chef contestants.

* Tom comes in to the kitchen, and instead of doing his usual walkabout, just tells them not to embarrass him. Well, that’s nice and comforting. Thanks a heap, Tom.

* The judges enter the dining room. Oh my freaking god, it’s set up like Leonardo’s Last Supper. OMGJacquesPepin!!!! will be the guests’ representatives at the Judges’ Table. He’s in the Jesus spot, with Padma on his left and Lidia on his right.

* Leah thins out her Hollandaise. Carla interviews how they’d love to have two women go to New Orleans. I would've too, but I'd rather they be Carla and Jamie, or Carla and any other woman who demonstrates, oh, I don't know, actual culinary talent and some level of desire to be there.

* The first course is Leah cooking for Wylie Dufresne. She’s made Eggs Benedict with a Slow-Poached Egg and Bacon on Challah Bread, and some sort of salad.

Dufresne says the egg white is watery, but the bacon is nice. He adds that the salad was unnecessary. Marcus Samuelsson adds that it doesn’t have the texture, and Jacques Pepin thinks the Hollandaise is too thin. Toby Young counters that he likes runny egg whites, confirming once again that he’s awful and ridiculous.

* The second course is Stefan, making Salmon with Spinach Two Ways, Roasted Potatoes and Dill Sauce for Marcus Samuelsson.

Samuelsson says Stefan nailed the flavors of Sweden, but fish is overcooked. Dufresne agrees that it’s horribly overcooked. Pepin likes the dill sauce and thinks it’s well seasoned. Susan Ungarro can’t tell the difference between the two types of spinach.

* Third course is Hosea for Susan Ungaro. He’s made Shrimp Scampi with Tomatoes Provencal and Beurre Blanc.

Samuelsson calls it a good balance of creativity and traditional, but Pepin thinks Hosea didn’t cook from his gut. Toby Young calls it disappointing, while Lidia Bastianach thinks it’s too creamy. Ungaro thinks it needs garlic.

* We see Fabio struggling with his chicken and his broken hand. He tells us “I start to butcher the sheeken weeth the clehver, like Zhayson on Friday the thirteen.”

I think since there are only two weeks left, we can clearly and confidently say that Fabio’s accent will NEVER be old.

Cooking for Lidia, Fabio has made Roasted Chicken with Herb Roasted Potatoes and Caramelized Cipollini, and a Leafy Salad with Carrots, Heirloom Tomatoes and Olive Oil.

Wylie Dufresne says the chicken is awesome and that this is the first course where he can imagine someone channeling the chef properly. However, he says he’s had better salad on an airplane. Samuelsson adds that this is the first dish that could go straight into a restaurant. Lidia says it’s exactly what she wanted.

I totally want to snuggle Jacques Pepin (OMGJacquesPepin!!!!). He is adorable.

* We finally get to his meal, prepared by Carla. She has made Squab with Lemon Thyme Butter Sauce, Demi Glace and Butter Tarragon Peas.

Ungaro says that Carla has made her a squab convert, but Samuelsson says that the breast is overcooked. Tom Colicchio appreciates the audacity of doing something so simple. Pepin thinks the peas are absolutely scrumptious. He could die happy with it.

* The chefs are paraded out. Tom assures them they did a great job, and the famous chefs applaud for them.

Carla interviews “If I go home tonight, it would break me.” Commercial.

* Back! Stew room. Leah doesn’t know what she wouldn’ve done if she fucked her hand up. Given her previous behaviour this season, I think the clear answer to that is "give up like the quitting skank you are, and pout in the hopes that someone finks youw so pwetty that they'll let you stay."

Clearly of the same mind, Fabio says “whad you wan’ me to do? Eez Top Chef, not Top Pussy.” First of all, YES, Fabio. Thank you. That’s not only true (and a great way to tell fucking Leah and Hosea to STOP THEIR DAMNED WHINING), it’s also the best “It’s Top Chef, not top. . . “ (Sommelier, Waiter, Sous Chef, etc) in the history of the show, ever. Please, Bravo. PUT IT ON A SHIRT.

Second, OH MY GOD, THEY DIDN’T BLEEP THAT???? I mean, I know it's 10 p.m. and all, but seriously?

* Padma invites everyone back to Judges’ Table.

* Leah is told that Pepin liked the eggs’ texture but found them undercooked, and that the Hollandaise was too thin.

* Tom tells Stefan that the salmon was overcooked. Padma adds that the two ways the spinach was cooked were indistinguishable. They also thought there was too much cream between the creamy sauce and the cream on the spinach, and Toby wanted crispier potatoes.

* For Hosea, Padma says that Susan liked it, but Tom clarifies that it wasn’t her idea of a scampi. Pepin tells Hosea that the tomatoes were too refined.

Hosea “I wanted it to look refined. I wouldn’t want to put out anything that looks ugly.”
Pepin: “You should be worried for taste, you know?”

YAY!!!!!!! Suck that, Hosea. The most adorable little man in the world (OMGJacquesPepin!!!) just smacked you down, bitch.

* Turning to Fabio, Padma says the chicken was delicious and Lydia was happy. Tom says that the one problem was the salad, and repeats Dufresne’s crack about it being airline salad.

* Winding up with Carla, we once again get the Jacques/Tom disagreement about the cooking on the squab. Carla almost looks like she’s crying as Pepin compliments her. It’s sweet.

* Deliberation: Pepin talks about how it’s a difficult thing “to create disappointment” by choosing a winner and loser. To Padma, the decision on winner is between the chicken and the squab. Tom says Fabio’s chicken was “a dish that makes you.”

Pepin adds that “two perfect thing I ate tonight were the peas of Carla and the potato of Fabio,” but Tom would’ve liked to see more incorporation of the peas.

* On the bad side, Stefan’s salmon was overcooked but the rest of the dish was good. Tom has more of the problem with Leah’s thin hollandaise and runny eggs. They liked the bacon .

* Toby’s least favorite dish was Hosea’s. Pepin hedges that technically, he did everything right. Toby complains that “it was ambitious and well executed. But overall, it lacked impact. It was a little bit dull.” Tom questions whether he deserves to lose for that.

Commercial.

* Back! Tom does his usual recappage, and says they were unanimous in their choice of winner. Jacques announces. . .FABIO!!!!!!! He’s through to New Orleans, and he’s wona bottle of Terlato Angels’ Peak wine and a 3 day 2 night trip to their vineyard. NOM.

* Carla is also going to the semi-final round. They get to leave the kitchen and start celebrating. Carla compares herself to a tortoise who’s picked up speed throughout the competition. It's kind of hilarious.

* Bottom three. Leah’s egg was undercooked and the sauce would’ve been right the first time. Stefan’s flavors were great but the salmon was overcooked. Hosea’s wasn’t a scampi. Tom says they all deserve to go to New Orleans (no they don't), but only two of them can.

* Leah is told to pack her knives and go. HA-HA!

* Leah monotones about how the competition was really hard for her, but she made friends with people she’ll stay friends with. She thinks she’s way better than the food she cooked. Oh, and she's a hooker who somehow relied on her negligible looks and charm to skate through a competition past chefs who were way more qualified, and she has horrible taste in men.

Ok, maybe I'm the one who said that last part.

* And somewhere in the middle of that Hosea says “now he has one more person to cook for.” Yes, that makes you rootable—repping for the stank bitch you cheated on your girlfriend with. What a stand up guy you are, SnagglePuss.

* The final four all interview about why they deserve to be in the final four, and Hosea does his usual spiel about how he’s going to kick Stefan’s ass. Which, you’ll notice, he never ever does.

* Next: New Orleans! Emeril! Fabio has a Mohawk??? and Carla’s hair is straight. A Masked Ball!