Top Chef: Seems Fishy to Me

(Insert obvious joke about the picture here)

No more Team Rainbow—
Fuck this. Who counts syllables
Faced with such bullshit?

Pop quiz, muffins. It’s a fish challenge. Who do you eliminate:

a) A chef from a seafood restaurant who missed the fact that the fish was seared before crusting, overcooked the fish and then didn’t let it rest enough.
b) Someone who was “head fish chef” at her previous restaurant, couldn’t figure out the components and proportion of a sauce, and variously undercooked or overcooked all the fish.
c) A chef whose fish was “fine and well cooked,” but made a mistake—which she easily identified—that resulted in an oversalted celery sauce.

The answer, of course, is C. Who cares that she could explain her mistakes and how to rectify them; who cares that one of her competitors is a manktoothed douchewaddle and the other is either perpetually stoned or completely apathetic? We have to keep those two around in the hopes that they’ll make out some more.

Ugh. If my fantasy chef boyfriend, Eric Ripert hadn’t been on, I would have shot my TV Elvis style. Anyway. On with the tedium:

* Morning! Chefpartment. Stefan reminisces about last week. Fabio calls his wife and talks about wanting to win. Then they talk in Italian, briefly. He asks how the restaurant is and she says it’s good. He replies “Amore, are you sure, because every time you said everything eez good, I—I not gonna come back an everything is burned down to ground an you open up a ‘amburger shack in West ‘ollywood?”

Once again: Week Eleven. Not Old.

* Hosea gloats about being the last American male chef in the competition, and how he’s going to take the Euros down. Way to be an ugly American, you bald jankity toothed hosebeast. And then Carla says she plans on gunning for it

* Quickfire! They enter the kitchen and see Padma and RIPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I kind of shafted you on the Jamie poem, I present to you this haiku to Ripert:

Silver tongued silver
Fox. I don’t like fish, but you
Make cod sound sexy.

* Padma says that Ripert is all about technique and precision. So for their quickfire, they’ll test technique and speed in a 3 round fish filleting tournament. Ok, bear with me because I actually love this challenge and think it’s the sort of thing they should be doing more often, but a Fish Filleting Tournament sounds like something that happens at a county fair. In rural Minnesota. In the dead of winter.

* Round 1 is Sardine. They have 5 minutes to clean and butterfly them according to Eric’s example.

* Filet fury. Hosea talks about how he has a seafood restaurant and how he’s the seafood guy. Interestingly, while his record does show that he’s done a lot of seafood (like, ALL seafood), I don’t remember him getting beaten up for this, like Brian Malarkey did in Season 3. I’m ashamed of Bravo for missing this opportunity to beat up on Hosea. Jamie makes scallops 3 times and you fix the edit so that it looks like "oooh, Jamie only makes scallops." Hosea makes fish for 90% of the challenges, and you don't bother drawing our attention to it until episode 11? Homophobes. Sexists. Edit monkeys.

* Anyway, Leah talks about her fish record to date is not great. No, Really? Carla’s hands are shaking. Leah says she should just go home right now. Yes, please.

* Judging. Carla is very gracious and funny about how bad hers are. One of Leah’s is ok, the other sucks. Stefan’s are “pretty nice.” Jamie lost a lot of flesh. Fabio’s rock. They just rock. Hosea talks more about how he does seafood, and Ripert says they’re “not too bad.”

* Ripert says Leah and Fabio did the best and Jamie and Carla were the worst. Seriously? Leah did ONE well. I don’t see how doing one well puts you tied for first when the task is to filet two fish. But oh well—Ripert made the decision, and far be it from me to contradict anything that falls from his perfect lips. I should write him another poem to make up for doubting him:

There once was a chef named Ripert
Who had such impeccable hair
When he says “what eez zeese?”
I go weak in the knees
And quickly melt out of my chair.

* Round 2: Five minutes to filet an Arctic Char. Leah immediately gives up. I guess she thinks that whining about how she should go home is how she won the last round.

* Judging: Leah pouts and talks about how she gave up and was over it. Stefan left flesh on bone and bones in flesh. Ripert says “but eef you are ‘appy wees eet?” and Stefan replies “I’m very ‘appy with it.” And Ripert gives him stink face. Gorgeous stink face, but stink face all the same. Fabio lost about a steak when he took the head off. Hosea’s filet is “beeootiful an’ vairy pree-sise.’ Leah and Fabio are out.

* Hosea gives another fucking douche interview about how that's “one Euro down.” Hey, CankleSucker. Why don’t you read a history book and tell me how well jingoism and isolationism have worked for this country in the past? StankCracker.

* Round 3: EEL. Om nom nom nom nom. No, seriously, I love eel. Fish no; eel yes. Ripert holds one up and demonstrates how they may move around even though they’re recently killed. Sweeeeeeeet. Hosea bitches about how they don’t have eels in Colorado. Ok, asshole, I understand that eel aren't native to Colorado, but please don't fucking try to tell me they're never shipped in. We didn't "have eel" in Arizona either, but that never kept me from nomming the hell out of the Tootsie Roll at Zen 32. Anyway, Stefan says “skinning an eel is like riding a bike." The difference in their attitudes is so stark that I'm momentarily worried we're getting a fake out edit and that Stefan will screw up the eel and Hosea will win.

* Filet flurry starts, and Hosea basically copies Stefan’s technique of using a nail in a cutting board to skin it. Cheater, cheater, Leah eater. You don’t get to fucking look on someone else’s test.

* Judging: Ripert says that Stefan’s “feelay looks byooteeful, and your stay-shun eez vairy cleen.” Hosea was “a leetle beet more maissy, an’ strog-el-eeng wees zee skeen.”
Stefan wins. Hosea bitches. I want to kick Hosea in his crooked fucking teeth.

* Ripert then invites them to lunch in the private room at Le Bernardin the next day. I feel I should take this opportunity to remind you of the wisdom of NeckTattoo: It’s never a party—it’s always a trap. Commercial.

* Teaser. Chefpartment. Stefan microwaves something, and they do their own spontaneous and completely unscripted quickfire. As one does. I know I was hanging out with all my friends the other night and someone said “hey, let’s have a quickfire challenge!” And since we were at my house, we all competed to see who could make the best dish out of Nutella, Greek Yogurt, Target Granola, grapefruit juice, celery, a single frozen Tilapia filet, and a half jar of Harris-Teeter store brand queso.

Yeah, that never happened. Which was kind of my point.

* Back! Chefpartment! Morning. Hosea is “pumped” to have a feast. Jackass. Don’t you know a trap when you see it? They all get schmancied up to go to Le Bernardin.

* At Le Bernardin, they meet up with Tom and Eric Ripert to enjoy a 6 course lunch. All six courses are fish.

Full disclosure—though I think I’ve already partially disclosed this—I’m not a fish fan. There are very few types of seafood I enjoy; most of those don’t necessarily qualify as fish; and the one time I ate more than one course of seafood at the same meal, I threw up for about a day afterward*. So a) six courses of fish does not appeal to me; and b) if I say NOM to any of these dishes, you know that’s something.

The first course is Sourdough Encrusted Red Snapper with Tomato Basil Consommé (nom)
Second: Baked Mahi Mahi with Miso and Matsutake Mushroom Sauce
Third: Baked Lobster with Asparagus and Hollandaise Sauce (nom).

Leah interviews about how she wants to give Eric a big ole’ hug. STEP AWAY FROM THE CHEFETISH OBJECT, you skeezy dwarf bitch. Jamie interviews about how she’s bored with the food. This is the point at which I know Jamie is going home.

Fourth: Oil Poached Escolar with Potato Crisps in a Red Wine Bernaise sauce. (hm. Maybe not quite nom, but interesting)

* Carla talks about being from DC, and Ripert mentions having worked here in ’89. Why, god, why could I have not been here 20 years ago? Except for the whole “being 12 and living with my parents in Arizona” thing, of course.

Carla says “While I was growing up, I wanted to major in theatre. But now, this is what I want to be when I grow up. One of his dishes.” If that's some sort of sexual euphemism, I'll add a hearty "me too."

Fifth Course: Za’atar Spiced Monkfish with Black Garlic.
Sixth: Sauteed Black Bass and Braised Celery with Serrano Ham Peppercorn Sauce.

Jamie interviews that the last dish is her least favorite.

* Tom says there’s one more course on the menu. It’s. . . the knife block! Of course. Their elimination challenge is to recreate the 6 course menu they just ate—one course each. D’OH. I bet I know which one Jamie gets. They have 2 hours to prep and practice downstairs before coming to the main kitchen to fire their dishes for the judges.

* Because he won the quickfire, Stefan gets to choose which course he makes. Everyone else will have to draw knives.

* Stefan picks the lobster. Hosea bitches about how Stefan took the easy way out. Ugh, god, shut up you fucking whiny tool.

* The rest of the courses are:
Carla: escolar
Hosea: monkfish
Leah: mahi mahi
Fabio: red snapper
Jamie: black bass. Of course.

The chef whose dish falls furthest from the mark will be eliminated. Commercial.

* Back. Two hours until service. They’re all checking out their ingredients—they each have a tray with everything they need. Ripert and a woman who looks like a female version of Ripert watch them.

I think it’s time for another Ripert poem. A double dactyl, perhaps:

Higgledy-piggledy
Eric Ripert, Frenchie--
Master of Fishies and
Chef ext’rordnaire--
Guest judges Top Chef and
Supermagnetically
Skewers the chefs with his
Thousand yard stare.

* Leah talks about how she was “the lead fish cook” at her last restaurant, and so she’s confident with her fish. Really? REALLY? How many times have you fucked up fish this season, and you were “the lead fish cook?” Where? Long John Bloody Silvers?

Mmm. . . .hush puppies. . . . .

* Hosea talks about how he’s not schooled as a chef, and every once in awhile it comes back to haunt him.

* Fabio talks about how “eez gonna be Fabio Vivianni preparing Eric Reepair food. Eer we go. Eez an Eetalyan taste agains’ a French taste, so I hope we’re gonna taste as close as possible. We are on the same border.”

* Leah talks about how the Miso tastes too strong on its own, so she mixes it ith butter.

* RIPERT THROUGH. It’s like a Tom-thru, only sexier. Stefan’s asparagus aren’t cooked. Leah’s sauce is oily and the broth is too intense. Carla’s sauce is close but needs acidity. Hosea has a lot of Za’atar on his fish and it needs to be dried.

* Ripert tells them “Chaifs, you ‘ave few minutes left, an’ I just wanna weesh you the best of luck tonight.” And then I faint with lust.

* Jamie interviews that Ripert didn’t taste her dish b/c she didn’t have time. I’m not sure how that works. They head upstairs where they’ll each have 15 minutes to fire the dishes .

* The judges enter the dining room and make chit chat and Tom says “just the very fact that they’re cooking in this kitchen, it’s enough to scare the chef pants out of anybody.”

I don’t want to know what Tom does with his chef pants that he thinks they can be scared out of you. They can be scared off of you or you can be scared out of them, but unless you've got some sort of ingestion or anal insertion going on, pants aren't coming out of you.

* Fabio sears the fish and worries that the sourdough crust might be a bit overdone. God, I love sourdough so much that it even makes fish sound palatable.

* Ooooh, they’re tasting the Le Bernardin version of each dish against the contestants’, head to head. This is an excellent challenge. I wish I didn’t hate the episode so much, because the set up was great; Ripert was great. . .but the execution, folks. The execution on this episode was so fucking lackluster. Magic Elves Editors, please pack your knives and go.

* First up is Fabio’s red snapper. The judges feel it’s ot a bad impersonation, but the bread is overcooked and the sauce is too thick. Tom says “it’s like forging a painting. It’s a very good forgery, but you have to scratch the surface a bit and see the details here and there.”

Tom, Please. That’s like a Toby analogy. You just need to say something like “he honored the protein, Kemosabe,” and leave the ridiculous comparisons to the British guy, lest we start hating you as much as him.

* The second course is Leah’s Mahi Mahi. Tom’s is overcooked; Ripert’s is undercooked; and the only real flavor is ginger. Toby says something typically tortured and Eric pretends to be flattered.

* Back in the kitchen, Stefan feels good about his dish. He thinks his dish is exactly the same as Eric’s, but with thicker sauce. At the table, Ripert points out that the restaurant blends the sauce in a blender, while Stefan did his by hand. They all look slightly impressed

Of Stefan’s lobster, Padma says the taste is identical even though Stefan’s sauce is thicker. Ripert is told “he’s dangerously nipping at your heels”

* Carla has chip issues and fish issues. (This gives Leah a violent flash back to her last restaurant, Long John Silvers, where as head fish cook she frequently had fish'n'chip issues) She finishes because of help from the other cheftestants.

On the escarole, Carla’s potatoes aren’t as crispy as they should be. Tom says she did a very good job. Ripert adds sexily “shees vairy loyal to zee oreegeenal deesh.”

* Hosea talks more about how he’s "the seafood guy", and he can’t go home on the seafood challenge. Oy. Just die.

Hosea’s monkfish comes close with the sauce, but Tom says “what he’s not close with is the cooking of the fish.” Ripert critiques it and says “feesh” like 1000 times, and I love it so much that I really can't keep track of the substance of his remarks. Tom calls it the “least precise of all the dishes.” Wow, it almost sounds like HIS IS THE WORST AND HE SHOULD’VE GONE HOME.

* Back in the kitchen, Jamie has celery issues b/c the liquid overreduced and it got too salty.

On the black bass, Jamie’s celery is blanched out and a salt lick. The fish, however, is fine and well cooked. Toby says something lame about a high wire act and Ripert merely snickers a little, raises one impeccable eyebrow at Toby, and says “Yes?” with that damming French inflection. HEART. Commercial!

* Back. Stew room. Fabio toasts his competitors, telling them “doesn’ matter how we go—you all rule een my world.” Awwwwwww. Padma calls back Fabio, Stefan, and Carla.

* Judge’s Table: they are the top 3. Stefan looks shocked somehow, despite being so completely cocksure about his dish and the fact that, you know, they always call the winners back first.

* Stefan is first. Eric Ripert tells him his flavors are “vairy good, lobstair properly cooked.“ Tom adds that the sauce was a little thick.

* Fabio is told that his red snapper was flavorful, and a very good example of the dish.

* Carla explains how she figured out the sauce and everyone looks gobsmacked by her technical expertise. I have to admit, I probably looked the same way--until this episode, I thought she was just some whackadoodle home chef, but it turns out Hootie Hoo has classical French training. Toby Young says he wants to call it ”Pablo Escolar.” Oh. My. God. You horrible, horrible little man. I hope the final scene of this season is you choking to death on a fish bone as you try to work in one of your horrible, overwrought jokes.

(I mean, does that even make sense to anyone? Is the fish responsible for thousands of deaths? Is it coated in high grade Colombian coke? Is it the seventh richest fish in the world?)

* Eric Ripert then tells them “eet was tuff call. ‘owever they wiener eez. . Stefan.” Stefan gets a copy of Ripert’s new book On the Line, and the opportunity to shadow Ripert for a week and then basically go on vacation with him to the Food and Wine festival.

Oh my god, I want to go with them. We would have the best time.

* The bottom three are called in. Toby looks like a petulant, bald child.

* Hosea is told that his sauce was good but fish was over cooked “an ze zaytar crust was vairy theeck” Colicchio adds that the monkfish didn’t rest enough. Hosea gets points for knowing the mistakes he made.

* Next up is Leah. Her fish was dull, and Toby feels like he still has it stuck in his teeth. She gives a monotone monologue about how she wants to win and wants to be in the final four. Ugh.

* Jamie immediately owns the celery problem. Padma tells her the food was not appetizing to look at or to eat, and Toby Young says it had a metallic aftertaste and a burnt taste.

* They go back to the stew room and do the “we don’t know anything” bit and Jamie sits on Fabio’s lap. Aw.

* Deliberation. Padma felt for them.

Hosea had monkfish problems; Leah misunderstood the dish and her head isn’t in the game. Tom adds “I don’t know why she should stick around; she’s not paying attention or putting the time and effort into getting things done.” Yes, Tom. Go with your instincts. Jamie at least knows what her problems are, and Tom ponders whether it’s worse to know what you did wrong or not be paying attention.

Ugh, I have a terrible feeling in my gut. Commercial.

* Have I mentioned how much I hate the Quaker Oats commercial where Oat Mom says “we have four children; they all have their own personalities?” I mean, duh. Did you expect your four children to all have the same personalities? Did you think they’d have YOUR personality? Idiot.

* Back. Tom says that each of them made a mistake in observation or execution. Hosea didn’t see that the fish was seared before the spice went on; Leah didn’t see how the miso was incorporated; Jamie oversalted the celery.

* Padma tells Jamie to pack her knives and go. It’s total bullshit. Total. Bullshit.

* Jamie thinks she’s grown a lot as a chef and a person, and she’s learned how to respect herself and have more confidence.

* Next: Carla is a force to be reckoned with. Things break. Fabio seems to have cut his hand off. Jacques Pepin! Wylie Dufresne! Famous cooks who look to be bathed in some sort of magical aura?

* Though if you want to dig through this post, you’ll find that some of the seafood also had some positive results. But I don’t recommend it.