Top Chef: Ulllllllllllllch.

Fucking Fucking Fuck.
Mankletooth Bastard has won
Top Chef is Sullied.

Yeah, I know. It’s hyperbole. And generally hyperbole makes me want to set myself on fire.

But I really feel—I really do feel, my loves—that a Hosea win has completely blackened the good name of Top Chef.

This is not like Hung winning Season Three, or like Jeffery winning Project Runway, where you thought to yourself “ok, he’s an asshole and his aesthetic is not my thing, but he does have talent.”

This is more like. . .well, actually, it’s kind of like Season Two of Top Chef, where not just the result but the entire fucking episode made me want to take a scalding hot shower and scrub myself down while weeping, like the rape victims in Lifetime movies.

Or Tobias in Arrested Development. “Why,Tracy, Why?”

Or—nostalgia time, boys and girls—like Max on One Life to Live back in the ‘90’s when he slept with Blair in the throes of his gambling addiction, and after realizing what he’d done, felt the need to scrub himself down Lifetime rape victim style, while screaming “Luna!!!!” because he’d cheated on his Wiccan freak show wife.

I feel like that. Except I want my shower to be with lye soap. And hydrochloric acid to burn out my eyes and unsee Hosea’s gormless snaggletoothed face. And then I want the Puritans to come in and beat me with brooms and chant “Un-Clean! Un-Clean!” because my soul has been so defiled by that fucking farce of a finale. And then I want them to beat me about the head so I incur another concussion and get more memory loss that wipes out the last hour of my life.

Augh. So the first thing you should weigh in on in the comments, poppets—worst Top Chef finale ever? Or is this a mere case of the flu compared to the grotesque House-like disease of Season Two?

Let’s just get it over with:

* Morning! Hotel Monteleone! Stefan brushes his teeth and Carla does Yoga. Hosea interviews about how he’s stoked but nervous, and they all head out to the Creole Queen paddle boat for breakfast.

* Carla talks about how she’s been building momentum, and doing the food that’s got her there will help her. Hosea feels like he has more to prove because he’s the only one of the top 3 who doesn’t already own his own business. Stefan laments the end of Team Europe, but still insists his food in the last challenge was better than Hosea’s.


* They head over to the Historic New Orleans Collection (I’ve been there!!) where they meet Padma and Tom. Tom tells them that the final challenge is to cook the best three course meal of their life. They’ll be cooking head-to-head and serving simultaneously. They don’t have to make the dessert.

* They’ll be cooking at Commander’s Palace for a table of 12 judges and distinguished guests. They’ll have 2 hours tonight to prep at the Audubon Tea Room, and 3 hours tomorrow night to cook at Commander’s Palace.

* And of course, they’ll have some help. Three shadowy figures emerge from a tunnel and it’s. . . Richard! Casey! And Marcel! All Runners-Up from Seasons past. Oh, wow, this would be such a fun twist. . . if I didn’t read spoilers.

* This season’s final 3 draw knives to determine who gets to choose sous chef first. Carla draws 3; Stefan defers to Hosea who draws one, so Stefan gets 2. Hosea picks Richard because Marcel reminds him of Stefan. Stefan picks Marcel because “he’s a great Chef; he’s a bit of a twat but. . .who’s not.” Yay life philosophy—put that on a t-shirt, Bravo. And Carla’s glad to be stuck with Casey b/c she remembers her being “very meticulous.” Hm, I remember her taking twenty years to chop an onion, but that might just be me. Or not. But I guess one man's "meticulous" is another man's "ridiculously slow and useless."

* Audubon Tea room. Stefan sets aside some foie gras and Hosea steals it. Stefan sets aside some caviar, and Hosea steals it. Unbefuckinglievable--you'd think that knowing that Fucktooth Cheaterbaum was going to win, the editors would've done something to make him look remotely like a good guy. Instead, it seems like they've gone out of their way to make him look like an assface. Or maybe that's all he gave them to work with.

* There’s a prep flurry, and they talk about what they’re doing. Hosea has “rough ideas” for each course, and Richard wants to win because he still hurts from not winning.

* Carla is going to do French food. She says that her meat course will be “comfort food—exciting but still a little refined,” and Casey sells her on the idea of sous-vide-ing the sirloin. No good can come of this.

* Stefan wants to do “a good quality, good yummy dish” and thinks that “cooking good basic food is much sexier than doing a bunch of bullshit.” Commercial!

The DVD cover of Australia looks like a Sunfire Romance novel. Or—OR!!!!--one of those old James Michener books named after states. Alaska! Texas! Rhode Island! Ok, maybe not the last one.

* Teaser! They have a voodoo/tarot card reader come by to see them. She reads Stefan’s love life with Jamie and says that could be his girlfriend. Methinks she’s not the best voodoo priestess in New Orleans.

Oh my god, it’s the Australia commercial again.

* Back! Finally!!! Day of the challenge. They all turn up at Commander’s Palace and see Tom there with a basket of crazy ingredients: gator, crab and redfish.

* Tom tells them they have to make one more course. The butterflies in Carla’s stomach turn to bats.

* They have to make an appetizer for a tray pass using one of the zany New Orleans ingredients. They get to eat a king cake to decide who cooks with which protein. Whoever finds the baby gets to choose their own protein and assign the others. Hosea, of course, wins the baby. Because God hates me and wants to see me writhe in pain. Anyway, he takes the redfish, giving Carla the crab and Stefan the alligator.

I’d just like to take a moment to remind you all about how Hosea bitched that Stefan was taking the easy way out when he chose lobster during the Ripert (le sigh!) challenge. But what does he pick when he has the choice? A fish. Oh yeah, you’re a ballsy fucking chef who takes real chances, you fat bald inbred Amish looking motherfucker. Oooooh, a fish. Scaaaary. Fuck you, Hosebeast.

* Their sous chefs enter and they have three hours until service. There’s a lot of prep, and Hosea gloating about his fucking fish, and Stefan struggling with the alligator, and a crab appears to be trying to eat Carla. Don’t eat Carla, crab! And they go over the courses which, natch, we’ll get into later.

* Hosea is not doing a dessert because he doesn’t want the last thing he makes on Top Chef to be his weakness. Stefan is making a dessert because if he has a three course meal, he wants a dessert. Carla is doing a cheese course that involves “apple coins” for her third, so it’s kind of a compromise. Casey talks her into doing a soufflé rather than a tart with the cheese. There seems to be a lot of Casey talking Carla into things. This does not bode well. Carla would be advised to remember that Casey came in third during her season, mostly because she completely fucked up during the finale.

* Stefan freezes some fish before making his carpaccio, which Marcel disagrees with. This is only notable because it’s the only thing we’ve heard from Marcel all night. Finish the flurry! Commercial!

* Back! The diners enter! Fabio is there! Also in attendance are the ubiquitous Rocco; Ti Martin, the proprietress of Commander’s Palace; Susan Spicer; John Besh; Hubert Keller; Fucking Toby Young; Branford Marsalis; and Tory McPhail.

I kind of want to marry Tory McPhail so that my last name can be McPhail. Or just to know Tory McPhail so that whenever he does something wrong, I can say “oh, nice job, McPhail.” Or “Yeah, you really McFAILed that one, McPhail.” Because I'm sure he's never heard any of that before.

* Hosea presents his passed tray. It’s Blackened Redfish on Corn Cake with Creole Remoulade and Micro Cilantro. The judges love it. This is not going well.

* Stefan talks about how Hosea tried to shaft him and does a “my 100,000 dollars, dude” which I choose to believe is a tribute to the “I want my two dollars!” kid from Better Off Dead (probably one of my top 15 movies of all time). He has made an Alligator Soup with Celeriac, Parsley Leaves and Puff Pastry. Again, the judges seem to love it.

* Carla’s hors d’ouevre is Shiso Soup with Blue Crab and Chayote Salsa. They seem to like it.

* The judges and diners go and sit down. 3. . .2. . .1. .

* Padma introduces the diners and judges, and the chefs bring out their first course. Stefan’s is a Smoked Salmon and Halibut Carpaccio with a Micro Green Salad, Citrus Vinegarette, and Caviar. Carla has made Seared Red Snapper over Saffron Aioli, Braised Fennel and Grilled Clam. And Hosea’s is Tuna, Hamachi, and Black Bass Sashimi with Fennel Oil, Citrus, and Fried Tempura Bits.

They all seem to like Carla’s dish. Ti wanted to love Hosea’s dish but it didn’t pop and Fabio thought it was missing seasoning. Tom couldn’t taste Stefan’s salmon and didn’t like the freezing technique, but Hubert Keller likes it. Toby thought that both dishes by the dueling baldos were well executed but bland and Carla’s popped with personality.

* The second course is presented. Stefan has made Pan Seared Squab with Braised Cabbage, Chopfnuden, Foie Gras and Grape Jus. Carla’s is a Sous Vide New York Strip Steak with Seared Potato Rod and Merlot sauce. Hosea presents a Seared Scallop with Foie Gras on Pain Perdu, Apple Preserves and Foie Gras Foam.

We go to the judges’ reaction. Gail finds Carla’s sirloin tough and Tom says that’s the problem with sous vide. Everyone agrees that she’s sous vided the soul out of it. They love Stefan’s squab and cabbage and say it gives them a good sense of who Stefan is. Gail can’t stop eating Hosea’s dish. Rocco is kind of sick of foie gras, but Branford could eat it all day.

* More prep. Stefan points out that Hosea is ONCE AGAIN taking the easy way out because he’s not making dessert. Carla’s soufflé are bubbling and she forsees disaster. With three minutes left, she decides not to serve it, because she’d rather serve half a dish than a curdled soufflé.

* Stefan’s third course is Straciatella Ice cream, Chocolate Mousse, Vanilla Syrup and Banana Lollipop. Carla’s is an Apple Tart Coin with Blue Cheese and Walnut Crumble. She tells them about the soufflé that didn’t. I can never decide whether this is a good idea or not—it explains why there’s a problem with the dish, but at the same time it raises questions about why you failed at something. Hosea’s third course is Pan Roasted Venison, Chestnut and Celery Root Puree with Wild Mushrooms.

Gail is incredibly disappointed that Carla’s soufflé didn’t work out. Tom feels like Stefan’s dessert is “eh” and Gail finds it dated. They both enjoy Hosea’s dish. Mother. Fucker. Even Fabio is forced to say that Hosea’s dish is better. Hubert points out that the venison was a safe way out. God bless you, chef Keller.

* Padma dismisses the diners. Oh, God, I have the worst feeling about this.

* Carla is feeling low—she doesn’t feel like this is the meal of her life. Hosea is happy with his dishes, and knows he can face the judges with his head on high. Stefan admits that he doesn’t know. Commercial!

Augh, the reunion looks interminable.

* Back! Judges’ Table. The top 3 enter, and Padma congratulates them for making it to the finale.

* Gail thought Carla’s appetizer was really well done. Tom enjoyed the flavors on her boulliabase, and thought the sauce on the meat was good. Gail points out that the texture was not good, and Toby talks for 90 minutes about how it was too refined. Carla admits that Casey talked her into sous vide-ing it, and that she was the one behind the soufflé-ing that went awry. Tom says it seems like she let Casey talk her out of cooking the food that got her to the finale.

* Toby thought Hosea’s hors d’ouevre was excellent, and Hosea talks for three hours about how he wanted to do big flavors and would’ve been happy with any of the three proteins. Bull. Shit. Toby says the sashimi was fresh and light but lacked citrus. Tom liked the second course, and Gail thought it was the best thing he did all night. Tom adds that the venison was nicely cooked, and Gail liked the earthy components, but the garnish was a throw-away. Toby calls him out for not having an “end” to the meal since he had no dessert.

* Toby and Tom both praise Stefan’s alligator soup. Gail says that the carpaccio tasted watered down, and Tom agrees. Gail enjoyed his squab, and Toby thought it was his strongest suit. Tom asked why he did a dessert when he didn’t have to, and Stefan says he wanted a complete menu.

* Padma asks why each of the chefs should win. God, I hate this part. Stefan says he deserves it overall and has been consistent. Hosea says he put a piece of himself out there. He did the same thing when he was cheating on his girlfriend with Leah, but you don’t see him asking for $100,000 for that (though considering the parties involved, maybe Bravo just edited that part out). Anyway. Carla says that when she cooks her food, it’s really delicious. And she cries a little.

* Stefan pats her back and makes that “don’t cry” noise that dudes make when they’re trying to be good dudes. Hosea does not, because he can’t even be bothered to pretend to be a good dude. Because he is a snaggletoothed, bald, cheating, fucktard asshole who should die. I choke up a little, because I really like Carla and Stefan, and the inevitability of what's about to happen is setting in despite my best efforts at denial.

* Deliberation. Everyone agrees immediately that Carla’s out of the running. Ouch. They weigh the other two—Stefan is more skilled but Hosea has more vision or something--I kind of stopped paying attention because I just couldn't cope. Stefan’s meal was better thought out and his squab was the best thing of the night, but his carpaccio was watery and Tom couldn’t get past the dessert. Padma says “It’s pedestrian at best” in a lovely patrician voice.

* Tom found the progression of Hosea’s menu nice. Toby says the venison was the nicest finale but it wasn’t an “end.” Gail would be completely satisfied with that menu, and doesn’t think Hosea did that as well as Hosea.

* Tom says that Stefan’s cooking isn’t as soulful, and Toby points out that if they’re giving it to the most soulful chef, it should go to Carla. Commercial. Oh, God, I’m going to be sick.

* Back! Padma says “One of you. . . is Top Chef” and recounts the prizes again.

* Tom thanks them for an exceptional finale. He tells Carla that she was really strong along the way; Hosea was steady across the board, and Stefan had amazing highs and a few lows. Ultimately, they made their decision on how the meal tasted overall.

* Padma then says the worst words I’ve heard in a long while: “Congratulations Hosea. You are Top Chef.”

* And then he gives a douchey, douchey interview.

* Stefan thinks if he’d made a different dessert, he would’ve won, but he’s not going to be bitter.

* Carla says she should’ve done her food and won’t make that mistake again. And she cries some more.

* Hosea gives another douchey interview, again, some more. And hugs Leah long and tight. “Things are gonna change. For sure.” Yeah, like your girlfriend’s going to break up with you for cheating on her. That’ll be a big change. And people are going to stop taking this show seriously because an asshole like you won.

My prediction? Things change for Hosea just as much as they did for Ilan. Bravo realizes they can't afford to use him the way they do the other winners because he's not likeable, and doesn't even have the necessary Hung type personality/interest to make good TV without his little whore around to generate faux scandal by sucking face with him. And they let him fade into blissful obscurity.

That's the best the rest of us can hope for.