Handichef-ing the Field: Week Two of Top Chef Masters

I was watching Bravo's execrable display of untalented nastiness last week--no, not any of the Housewives shows, for once, but that piece of fetid smoldering crap they're running under the banner of The Fashion Show--and I felt immeasurably grateful that I'd given up on commenting about that epic, pus oozing crapfest in the second week.

Because darlings? If I'd had to watch last week's episode closely enough to write about it, I would've passed out from all the high school antics and bad design. I would still be in my bed, shivering and drooling, while kind friends showed me huge pictures of vintage Chanel clothing and brought kittens and puppies over to snorggle me to bring me back around.

It made me intensely happy for the good natured professionalism of Top Chef: Masters. At least, so far. Touch wood.

So here, as promised, are this week's competitors. I do think it looks like a much more balanced field this week--last week it was so clearly Keller takes on the World! But this week's batch are more evenly matched in terms of experience and so forth. So here they are:

First we have. . .Wylie Dufresne! An adorkable face well known to Top Chef aficionados.

You may know him from: Being the chef/owner of wd-50 and a big shot in the world of molecular gastronomy; winning a couple of Beard awards; making Marcel geek out by his very presence in the season two finale; judging the farmer's market/zoo challenge in season four; having his name pronounced "Doo-frez-nay" in season five.

In his favor: Like Keller, he's familiar with the top chef ouevre because of his experience on the opposite side of the table; he's a hot shot wizard that does magical things with food.

Against him: the geeks with the test tubes and the smokers and the foam have never won Top Chef. Simple food tends to win out in the end.

Verdict: Likely to Place. I don't think Dufresne has much chance of winning the whole kit and kaboodle. I do however, think he's one of the likely candidates to win this round and make it to the next level.

And next we have. . . .oh my god, it's a girl. Suzanne Tracht!

You may know her from: Los Angeles chophouse Jar; being ranked among Food & Wine's Best New Chefs in 2002.

In her favor: She's from Phoenix (holla!); the producers will want at least one girl in the Champions' Round.

Against her: This is not the girl they'll want in the Champions' Round.

Verdict: Not a snowball's chance in a GE Monogram Series Oven. And even less of a chance in an oven that actually works. Heyy-ooh!

And then we have. . . Graham Elliot Bowles.

You may know him from: Chicago's "bistronomic" Graham Elliot; three Beard nominations.

In his favor: Look at him. He's freaking adorable. I love his glasses, and I bet if you poked him in the belly he'd giggle accommodatingly.

More substantively, go to that website. His restaurant? I want to go to there. Not only does it all look highly nommable, the risotto has Cheez-Its in it. Cheez-Its, people!

Against him: Bistronomic is not an actual word; he's an adorable kid in the same round with Wylie Dufresne and Elizabeth Falkner.

Verdict: No way. But he'll go out winning a lot of fans and being freaking adorable the whole time.

And finally, we have. . . .Elizabeth Falkner!

You may know her from: San Francisco's Citizen Cake and Orson; a Beard nomination for Best Pastry Chef; getting that bitch Tiffani's panties all moist when she appeared as a guest judge on Top Chef season one.

In her favor: can't possibly complain if she has to do a dessert challenge; she's famous for avante-garde pastry designs and deconstructionist cooking. Also, she has a vagina. They're going to want at least one of those in the Champions' Round, and I think Falkner's a likely candidate.

Also, I hear she's kind of a bitch. Bitches tend to make it far in Top Chef. Not all the way--or at least not until Tom concocts a special rigged competition just for them because he can't get over his weird ginger fetish, Tiffani--but far.

Against her: she has a vagina; she's kind of a bitch; oft repeated rumors that her staff actually came up with a lot of those avante-garde pastries and deconstructed dishes and she took the credit.

Verdict: Most popular girl. I don't know that she has the best odds of any chick, but she at least has the best odds of any chick in this round.