Just mindin' my business, eatin food and finger lickin'

You knew it had to happen, right? Between my unhealthy Sandra Lee fixation and the fact that I never met a fast food product that didn't cause me to run right out and nosh the hell of it?

I mean, I ate most of a Meatnormous breakfast sandwich, for Chrissakes. I ate part of a really awful Chipotle Steak and Plantain Sandwich. I ate the Baconator.

So you knew I wouldn't be able to resist for long, right?

Kentucky Grilled tablescape ahoy:

And somehow I managed to talk Mysterygirl! into eating it with me, probably because I proposed it as some sort of grand social experiment where we ate it with boxed wine and Harper's Island to see how trashy we could be without actually knocking each other's front teeth out and wearing cutoff "jorts."

I got half grilled and half original with our meal so that we'd have some guaranteed deliciousness to fall back on if the grilled chicken turned out to be awful. And really, I was hoping it would be awful.

Either really, spectacularly awful or really, spectacularly delicious. Then, at least, I'd have something to say.

But the disappointing fact is, there's not a whole lot to say about Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

Ok, there's something I have to say about Kentucky Grilled Chicken: it ain't grilled, people!

For those of you who missed Steve Almond's article in the Post a few weeks ago:

KFC's "grilling" process involves no actual flames. Instead, the pieces are baked in a convection oven and imprinted with faux grill marks.

So really, it's all another one of Sandra Lee's big, horrible lies. It should really be called Kentucky Baked Chicken, because those imprinted faux grill marks?

Yeah, they ain't fooling anyone.

Since baked chicken is at least (? more?) healthy than grilled chicken, I can only assume that they're trying to trade on grilled chicken's reputation as being moist and juicy and delicious and packed with flavor.

I can only assume that they're trying to imply with their advertising that their "grilled" chicken will have the same delicious flavor as the Colonel's Original Recipe, but it will also be healthy for you.

But it's MADE OF LIES. The "grilled" chicken doesn't have the flavor of the fried chicken. It doesn't have half the flavor of the fried chicken.

In fact, it doesn't have much in the way of flavor. Period.

I mean, our initial reaction went something like this:

Chew chew chew. Silence. Chew chew chew.
"It tastes like. . . .chicken."
"Yeah. It's very. . . .chickeny."

And I suppose that's not the worst thing you could say about chicken. I mean we didn't say "OMG, it tastes like poo!!!!" or "Bleah! Bleah! Why are you feeding me this rubber tire disguised as food?????"

But we also didn't finish our grilled chicken.

The best way I can describe the grilled chicken in words is to say: it tastes like baked chicken.

But it tastes like baked chicken that someone didn't take a whole lot of time with. With a baked (or a grilled) chicken, you're used to someone having taken the time to baste it (or marinate it) with a tasty fat and some sort of delicious combination of herbs and spices.

Perhaps. . . .eleven different herbs and spices.

Kentucky "Grilled" chicken tastes like someone threw a chicken in the oven, basted it only in its own unadorned juices, and then stamped fake grill marks on it.

Or maybe it will help if I explain it pictorially: