That squealing noise you hear coming from Columbia Heights?

Yeah, that's me, being excited that tonight is the premiere of Top Chef: Masters!!!!

So excited. So. Excited. Since the fiasco that was my brief attempt at paying attention to The Fashion Show, I've been without competitive reality shows to devote my mocking time to.

I mean yes, there's Daisy of Love and Charm School, but those both make me kind of sad on a fundamental level.

And I thought about trying to mock The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but the truth of the matter is that there is a part of me that loves those Guido bitches, and covets their "juicy" husbands and wants to live in a "French shettow" furnished, granite and onyx walled house and feed my dog from the table while I explain that I "scheeve" the idea of waxing someone's chucky or bibi.

And also, Caroline's son "Christuhfuh"--not Albie, the golden child good looking one, but Christopher the schlub--looks so much like a younger version of an ex boyfriend that it freaks me out. I can't get past it. I scheeve how much Christopher looks like my ex.

So Top Chef: Masters it is, and it must be. And I wanted to do something to prepare for the first episode tonight.

The conceit of Top Chef: Masters is that the first six episodes, four chefs will compete in two challenges (quickfire and elimination, like regular Top Chef). One from each first round episode moves on to the final round of four episodes, where one chef is eliminated each week until the ultimate winner is crowned Top Chef: Master, and wins 100K for the charity of his/her choice.

Simple, right?

So my initial idea was that it would be awesome to do brackets. I love brackets, especially if I can force them into a context where I'm not required to pretend to know anything about college basketball.

Bleah, college basketball. Do not want!!

But the set up of the show doesn't really lend itself to brackets. So that idea fell by the wayside.

Anyway, I thought I'd do this: before the show (like, Mondays-ish from now on), I'll preview the four chefs appearing in that week's episode.

But I'll do so using my own completely arbitrary and invalid criteria which have little or nothing to do with actual culinary bona fides.

Sooooooo: here we go with week #1! May I have bachelor . . .. erm. . .Cheftestant Master numero uno?

Aha, it's Hubert Keller!

You may know him from: Being the genius behind Fleurs de Lys and other restaurants; appearing as a judge on normal Top Chef like 6 zillion times (someone more inclined than I can do the research--I think he may have the most TC appearances of any non-contestant or regular judge, but I've had too much wine tonight to bother verifying this).

In his favor: He's clearly familiar with Top Chef because of his prior appearances; this may make him better able to strategize for the challenges than his competitors. Also, he's from Alsace, as are some of my ancestors. Also, he has restaurants in St. Louis, which makes him automatically awesome. And with his hair down, he's kind of like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Against Him: Not actually Jesus. Overfamiliarity with the judging side of the genre may ultimately work against him. Having been in the field for a long time--will the judges feel like they've seen everything he has to offer?

Verdict: Early Favorite. He's my pick for this round, and I'd guess he makes it through the first two weeks of the second round before being the surprise elimination right before the final.

Number Two is. . .Christopher Lee!

You may know him from: working at Jean-Georges and Oceana; currently heading the kitchen at Aureole.

In his favor: He kind of has a fauxhawk. Fauxhawks have a strong history on Top Chef.

Against Him: Except for Hung, Fauxhawks never finish first.

Verdict: Little fish in the Master pond. I mean yes--God yes--he's had a great career so far. But he's no Hubert effing Keller.

Number Three: Michael Schlow!

You may know him from: Winning James Beard awards; Boston's Radius.

In his favor: oh my god, look at him? Don't you just want to hug him? Theresa on RHoNJ would call him "delicious and juicy*." He also apparently "began his culinary journey when he traded a baseball scholarship and a 92 mile-an-hour fastball for a set of Wusthof knives and a place at the Academy of Culinary Arts in New Jersey."

Oh my god, he's my ideal man. Except for the schlubbiness. Whatever. He's my ideal tough cousin who beats up guys who step to me.

Against him: Loveable schlubs never win. C.F.: Joey, Howie, Alex, Crying Dave, Miguel, etc.

Verdict: Comic Relief. Michael is here to provide a dose of badda-bing flavor to the episode. And to make me wish I still had an excuse to go to Boston on the regular so I could hug him.

And finalmente: Tim Love.

You may know him from: having the highest Zagat rating of any restaurant in the DFW area.

In his favor: His last name is Love.

Against him: He's from DFW, which, while a good-ish city (cities?), is not exactly foodie central. One of his restaurants is called "The Love Shack" which. . .sorry. . . makes me scheeve more than the thought of waxing someone's chucky ever could.

Verdict: Cannon Fodder.

So, lovers: who's your pick for this round?





* And for those of you who give a shit, Theresa with her "minus A" bubbies and Caroline are tied for my favorite NJ housewife.