Top Chef: Masters. And awaaaaaaaaay we go.

(Ok, poppets--I've been a bit under the weather for the last 24-ish hours, so forgive if this is less tipsily "ha! Hubert Keller's graaaaaaaaaaaaaate" and more feverishly "who am I? Why am I here?" than usual.)

So the first thing you need to know about Top Chef: Masters is that there's no Padma. Instead, we have Kelly Choi, who comes out in a very Padma-esque dress to do her Padma-esque role and tell us what we need to know about Top Chef: Masters.

The second thing you know about Top Chef: Masters is that rather than Judges' table, they have Critics' table. Said table is staffed by our own beloved Gail Simmons of Food & Wine; Gael Green, a NY Restaurant critic for over 40 years (and owner of some mesmerizing hats); James Ozeland the Editor in Chief of Saveur; and Jay Rayner , food critic with the London Observer.

So there's no Padma and no Tom Colicchio? The resemblance between this show and actual Top Chef gets slimmer and slimmer every moment. The hostess seems relatively sober, and they've replaced Tom with an old lady in jaunty hats.

Tom would never wear jaunty hats.

Anyway, getting started.

Los Angeles! The Top Chef: Masters kitchen, which is different from the regular Top Chef kitchen in that it says "Masters" in gold letters on the wall under the Top Chef logo.

Michael Schlow enters, and we get to hear about his background and restaurants. We get our Bravo mandated dose of Tom in an interview, where he tells us that Schlow has a "love for Italian food." He's competing on behalf of the Cam Neely Foundation.

You know what the worst part of this show is going to be? Having to endure all this biographical bullshit for the first six weeks.

Anyway, in comes. . . .Hubert Keller! He greets Michael and gives us some highlights of his extensive and awesome resume. Gail Simmons talks about him too, and he says he's unsettled by receiving a lifetime achievement "before I'm passing away." He says he's wanted to feel how it feels to be on the other side of the judges' table since appearing in the first season of Top Chef. Aw.

He doesn't tell us yet who he's competing on behalf of, which I automatically take as a sign that he'll win. If he's going to be around for weeks and weeks, we have plenty of time to hear about his charity.

Christopher Lee greets them. Gael Greene and her hat tells us that he's worked for Daniel Bouloud and Jean-George Vongerichten. He's playing for Autism Speaks.

Tim Love enters and drawls about his Texas restaurants. Jay Rayner says he's "the big Texan cook" and so he expects big flavors. Tom talks about some sort of trail drive Love did. He's playing for March of Dimes, and feels like he's the underdog because he's not formally trained.

(um, warning--don't click on that March of Dimes link unless you have a uterus of steel. They have an impossibly cute model baby as their banner)

They all set up their stations and rib each other good naturedly.

Kelly Choi enters and welcomes them to the Masters kitchen. She reminds them that they're competing for one spot in the champions round, and tells them that in each episode, they'll compete in a quickfire and an elimination challenge.

For each of their quickfires, they'll have to complete a task based on a favorite Top Chef Quickfire. Oh God, I hope someone makes cheeto penises. This time, they'll have to do the dish that "strikes fear into the heart of Top Chef competitors. . .. dessert!"

The Masters cheftestants prove that they're very much like the normal cheftestants by doing the usual whining about how they're not trained to do dessert and it's not fair.

Which seriously? Sack up. You have Beard awards. Make a fucking cupcake.

Choi reminds them about Richard's banana scallop from season 4, so the parameters this time are much the same. And they'll prepare them for people who are experts in sweets. . . Girl Scouts!

Tim Love is excited because he cooks for kids all the time. The Girl Scouts will rate the desserts on a scale of up to 5 stars. And there's a TV set up where the chefs will watch the Scouts rate the desserts.

The Scouts, however, don't know they're being watched. Yeah that's not creepy, a bunch of middle aged men watching four little girls in uniform eat dessert without the little girls' knowledge. Not creepy. Not creepy at all.

Kelly tells them that the Season Four cheftestants got 90 minutes, but since they're Masters, they only get . ..60. HA!

Food flurry! We see the usual array of Glad products, and Tim Love talks more about how he's not professionally trained. Then he takes a shot of tequila and juggles eggs. Ok, I kind of heart him.

Keller tells us he's playing for Make a Wish Foundation, and worries about baking a meringue in the 60 minutes. He's making something that with his accent, sounds like "shoklat swirl."

Scholow is making candies and a brownie like cake and about 6 other components. Immediately anyone who's seen an episode of Top Chef knows that this is too much.

Tim Love is making chocolate dipped strawberries, chicken fried strawberries, and a strawberry milkshake.

Note to self: Fried Strawberries. Nom nom nom.

He talks about how March of Dimes is close to his heart because his daughters were preemies.

Lee talks about trying to please the Girl Scouts but still keeping his integrity as a chef. He's making french toast and caramelized bananas. That sounds vaguely nommable.

Schlow is sweating balls because his cake isn't baking and his ice cream isn't freezing. Ouch. He has some semi-ready candies and plates them with the runny cake and runny ice cream. It looks like poo. Sick poo.

Commercial!

Back! Kelly goes to sit with the Girl Scouts and ask if they're excited about desserts. They put forth the most monotone "yeah" I've ever heard.

So the Girl Scouts. There are four of them. One we'll learn is named Victoria. One is an opinionated red-head, so we'll call her Ginger. One has vaguely ethnic looking hair, so we'll call her "the ethnic one." And one is kind of chubby. But since she's a child and we don't want to hurt her self esteem, we'll just call her "the other one."

So first they eat Schlow's Milk Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Chocolate Candies and Honey Almond Crunch. Victoria says it tastes like a tagalong , which is the Girl Scouts' peanut butter patty.

When I was a kid, they were called "Hoe-Downs."

The Ginger doesn't like the chocolate. The other one wants less of the molten cake.

All the while the chefs are watching this on the TV and busting a gut about how honest the girls are. Schlow says "I'll be honest--my dish sucked!" They're in much better humor than normal cheftestants, possibly because there's less at stake.

Next, they eat Love's Strawberries Three Ways. Victoria likes the fried one. Go Victoria! Girl after my own heart. Ginger, however, doesn't like the fried. I fucking hate Ginger. The other one doesn't like the shake.

Next up is Keller's, and they ooooooo over the plating. He's made a Chocolate Mousse Swan, Whipped Cream Mouse (OMG SO CUTE) and Fruit with Orange Tarragon. Victoria likes the mouse. (Lee says to keep Victoria and kick the "redhead out." HA!). Ethnic Girl Scout thinks it's cool. Ginger compares it to a trefoil, which is the shortbread Girl Scout Cookie.

I call bullshit on the repeated cookie comparisons. First of all, there's no way anything on this plate tastes remotely like a shortbread cookie. Second, there's no way their palates are that limited. I bet Choi asked them "what Girl Scout Cookie does this remind you of" or something, because there's no way they're just doing random free cookie associations just because they're Girl Scouts.

Finally they get Lee's French Toast with Caramelized Bananas, Orange Sauce, and Maple Syrup Fluff. Ginger says it's burnt. Ginger is a BITCH. She also hates the sauce. Ethnic Girl Scout compares it to a hash brown. Huh??? How is any of that like a hash brown?

Christopher Lee interviews that he's competing for Autism Speaks because of his autistic nephew.

Kelly takes their scores back to the kitchen. The Girl Scouts gave Michael 2.5 stars; Tim 3.5; Chris 3.5; and Hubert the full 5 stars.

Yay! He's flattered. The quickfire scores will be added to the scores from the elimination round, and one chef will get $10,000 for their charity and will move on to the champions round.

Elimination Challenge! Kelly tells them they're going back to college--they'll have to create a 3 course meal using a toaster oven, a microwave, and a hot plate for the critics and some students at Pomona.

Does anyone really still use hot plates? I've always been too freaked out by the fact that they're massive fire hazards.

The chefs will have $150 for food and access to a limited pantry. They'll be given 2 hours on-site tomorrow to prep and cook before sending their first dish out.

This being Top Chef and all, they roll up to Whole Foods in their Lexus sponsored Lexuses, and Schlow explains that there are 20 stars at stake in this challenge--5 from the diners; 15 from the judges. I mean critics.

I feel kind of bad for the chefs in this episode, since they have to do all the exposition for the rest of the series. I bet we see a lot more of the personalities in the other episodes.

Keller talks about how he never shops, then he hilariously loses his cart.

Lee is making Chinese inspired food because of his grandfather; Love is thrown off because there's no ground pork to make pork chili with. He leaves Whole Foods not entirely sure of what he's making.

Commercial!

Back! Prep time! They enter the Top Chef: Masters kitchen and make sure their food survived the night. You'd think this wouldn't be an issue, but it is: Love put his stuff in the freezer by accident. Doh.

Lee says that if Love can pull this off after freezing his produce, he should win.

They go to Pomona to cook.. . . in DORM ROOMS!!!! Oh my god, hilarious. The most complex thing I ever tried to make in my dorm room was a Creamette brand Hamburger Helper knockoff called Hamburger Mate. It was awful, but it did lead to a lot of pirate jokes (e.g. "aaaaaarrrrrrr, Hamburger Matey.")

2 hours. Keller talks about how he didn't go to college and never had a dorm room, and how he would've been a DJ if he wasn't a chef. Heart.

Tim Love works on defrosting his frozen veggies. Schlow is cooking and the student who lives in the room walks in. Schlow explains his menu (as with the regular series, we'll get to it later). Love lets the girl who lives in his taste his food.

One hour! Keller drains and cold shocks his pasta in the handicapped shower. AWESOME. I take back what I said yesterday--he IS Jesus. Or Kramer.

15 minutes! Love has dealt with the freezing of the food by making scallop carpaccio. Resourceful.

1 minute! The students file in. The chefs introduce themselves to the diners and the critics and Gael Greene's mesmerizing hat. Let me just point out that Gail Simmons, despite being in the intro, is not here. So even for Top Chef: Masters she can't be bothered to show up every week.

Service! First course. They start with Tim Love's Scallop Carpaccio with Lime and Chili. A student calls it interesting. Rayner can't feel the heat of the chili.

Next they have Schlow's Salmon Crudo with Cucumber, Mint, Red Chili and Kumquat. Rayner feels like the fact that they're all opening with appetizers that don't require cooking is a cheat to get around the limited cooking facilities. I agree with him.

Lee follows with Red Snapper Ceviche with Citrus Juices, Avocado and Popcorn. Rayner thinks it's most successful of the three. Gael Greene's mesmerizing hat nods.

Finally we have Keller's Scottish Salmon Over Creamy Whole Grain Mustard. Someone says it's delicious.

Second course! They open with Schlow, who's made Cabbage Soup with Smoked Bacon, Salmon and White Bean. Gael loves the spicy aftertaste; a student calls it an adventure in her mouth. That sounds kind of dirty.

Next is Lee's Creamy Risotto with Prosciutto di Parma. Speaking from beneath her hat, Gael says it's mushy and soft in the middle. Clearly this is Gael's course to talk--they seem to be taking turns.

Keller follows with his Hearty Carrot and Petite Pea Soup with Cinnamon Croutons. They like it.

They close with Love's Squash and Corn Pozole. Rayner says it "matches the dorm environment" which sounds like a burn, but isn't. Ozeland calls it"great football watching food" and "delicious." The funniest thing about this is that it depends on forcing yourself to believe that James Ozeland has ever watched football.

Third course. First up is Love's Skirt Steak and Braised Kale. Ozeland says it's salty; one of the students thinks it could've used more pizzazz. Ouch.

Then we have Schlow's Pork ala Apiscius with Broccolini and Mushroom. Rayner finds it peppery and quite sweet; Gael's hat says that it's not rare enough.

Keller has made Creamy Mac and Cheese with Prawns, Mushrooms and Fresh Herbs. Gael loves the first bite, and Ozeland aggrees with her. Though maybe he's just mesmerized by her hat. The students find it flavorful.

Finally we have Lee's Pan Roasted Pork Chop with Piperade, Crushed Red Bliss Potatoes, Mache and Fennel Salad. They think he pulled it off.

Kelly thanks the students and asks them to rate the food.

Commercial! Oh god, how I am looking forward to Theresa's table throwing.

Back! Oh, this is the fake back where they all puzzle over how to use the microwave, like it's from space or something. Keller calls it "orrifeek" and says "I 'ave one at 'ome, but I seenk it's just do dry zee newspaper, I guess." Again, this seems like a fire hazard to me.

Commercial!

Back! Judges' . . . .erm. . . .Critics' Table. Kelly thanks the chefs for a memorable time and says they all rose to the occasion.

They talk about the challenge. Ozeland asks Keller about his mac and cheese, and he tells the story about using the shower. Ozeland says this is TMI. Ok, I'm beginning to hate other guy since he's so hung up on the fact of the shower to appreciate the ingenuity of the shower. He is like the Ginger of the Critics' Table. Or, to go back to my previous analogy, the Puddy to Chef Keller's Kramer.

Rayner didn't "get" the soup, and Ozeland agrees that the cinnamon was overpowering. Gael and her hat, on the other hand, loved it. Since I'm pretty sure Gael's hat gets its own vote, that seems like a split decision.

Rayner asks Schlow about the flavor profile in the pork dish. Ozeland says he liked the broccolini. Gael agrees that the flavoring was good, but thought the pork was overcooked. He explains how he used the hot plate and toaster oven. Gael's hat talks about how tiny the hot plate was, complete with hand gestures to demonstrate the tinyness of it. Aren't all hot plates the same size? Anyway, then they talk about the soup, which Gael also loves.

Tim explains about his frozen food situation. Rayner is incredulous. I'm not sure whether he's more surprised by Tim's ability to overcome an obstacle like that, or his inability to tell the difference between a fridge and a freezer. Anyway, they liked the soup and Rayner was impressed with the sear on the steak but found it overseasoned.

Chris Lee talks about how he cooked the risotto. Rayner liked the flavor profile, but said it wasn't al dente. They ask about the pork chop and praise his execution.

The chefs return to the kitchen so the critics can rate their food. There's wine waiting for them in the kitchen, which is nice. I hope they have drunken antics like the other cheftestants.

The critics deliberate, and start off by gushing more about how the chefs overcame the circumstances. Gael's hat praises how they managed to think in a very different way, then they go back through the meals again. It's both super repetative and alarmingly positive. They're a lot less harsh than the judges in regular Top Chef. Or maybe the Master Cheftestants are just that much better.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs have returned to the critics' table. Kelly reviews the rules and starts to tell them their scores.

Schlow gets 3.5 stars from the student diners, and 2.5 from each judge. This gives him a total score of 13.5 stars for the episode.

Tim Love received 3 stars from the diners. Ozeland gives him 2.5 stars. Gael and her hat give him 2.5 stars. Rayner gives him 3 stars. So his total score is 14.5.

Michael is now out of the running, and dismissed to "return to the kitchen and pack your knives." That's fairly clumsy as a catch phrase, Kelly Choi. What's wrong with good old "please pack your knives and go?" It worked for Padma and Katie Lee Joel.

Moving on, Christopher Lee gets 4 stars from the dingers. Gael and her hat give him a 4. Ozeland gives him a 3.5. Rayner gives him a 4. Lee's total score is 19.5 stars.

Tim is dismissed. He hugs Schlow.

It's down to 2. Hubert needs 14.5 stars for the elimination round to take it and move on to the Champions Round.

Keller gets 4 stars from the diners. Rayner gives him 3.5 stars. Gael and her hat give him 4 stars. Ozeland gives him 4 stars. Keller's total score is. . .. 20.5 stars!

Yay! He eeks it out! Who could've predicted that? Oh, except me and all 5 of you who voted.

Keller gets the first slot in the Champions round and $10,000 for Make a Wish. The other chefs also get a donation for their charities, which is nice. They talk about what they learned from the experience, and go for another drink.

So ok--so far, I like it. Kind of. I think they need to cut way, way back on the exposition, which generally does happen after the first episode or two. And I'm not sure about Ozeland or Rayner. And I miss Tom.

But I like Kelly, and I like Gael, and I LOVE Gael's mesmerizing hats. And I really, REALLY love that with a minimum of 4 and a maximum of 6 cheftestants in each episode, it's a lot easier to recap this than it is the early episodes of Top Chef, where there are like 90 of them running around making dishes.

And then there's the damned if you do, damned if you don't factor. I appreciate that this show is going to be a lot more about the food than normal Top Chef. But at the same time, this means there won't be as much time to develop the chefs as personalities, which makes it harder to develop an emotional investment in the show.

Anyway, I'll give it a shot. At the very least, I have to last longer with this than I did with The Fashion Show, right?

This season! Cooking! Doo-frez-nay! Blindfolds! Oprah's Chef! Sabotage! DOOGIE!