Jordan Baker continues to read the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine so you don't have to

There are few things worse than having a sinus cold. One of those things, though, is having a sinus cold in the summer. Another is drifting in and out of medicated consciousness trying to deal with said sinus cold while watching the Cardinals lose and wondering when the Phillies started wearing those bizarre blue uniforms.

And a third is subjecting yourself to 106 pages of fluorescent awful during a prolonged period of consciousness while your sinuses are going "ow. OWWWWW."

So we're sticking with the June/July cover format of standing REALLY CLOSE to the camera in front of a plain white background while holding a cake rather than the previous format of standing in middle distance in front of a fake window while holding a cake.

But more to the point: what in the sweet bluedilly fuck is she wearing? Is that a mumu? A hot pink mumu? A batiked hot pink mumu???

Has a less flattering garment ever possibly been created?

And then you open it up and the first thing you get is another ad for the Semi Homeamade Weekend, October 16-18 in Atlanta. A mere $399! Space is Limited! And yet. . . .it doesn't seem to have filled up just yet, despite appearing in every single copy of this magazine, being plastered all over this website, and e-mailed to the Semi-Homemade mailing list on a semi-monthly basis.

I mean, is it possible that there are people who aren't jumping to spend $399--oh, not to mention the minimum $188 per night that you'll spend for a room--to go to interactive decorating and entertaining sessions, tablescape and cooking demonstrations, and a cocktail time! reception?

Anyway. Onto the meat!

1) The Letter from Sandra tells us that "the inspiration behind every page of this summer-sweet issue" comes from the "pinks, corals, purples, blues, oranges, and greens" that make up the "lush landscape" near her home at Lilly Pond.

This explains a lot--as I mentioned briefly in my last post, the theme for this issue is fluorescent. It's not pink or orange or yellow--it's fluorescent. It is every bright, hot, throbbing color known to humankind. This makes it simultaneously painful on the eyes (and sinuses) and weirdly mesmerizing.

2) Behind the Scenes shows us pictures from. . . behind the scenes of some episodes of Semi-Homemade. It's not at all interesting, and not even cohesive--there are people wearing pastels, there are jewel toned satin smocks, and there are her seven million nieces and nephews.

Then there's something called 3) Popping Potpourri

which is our normal monthly trainwreck of crap that Sandra wants us to buy--one of her books, naturally, and then a bunch of fluorescent things those folding chopping boards, a pair of pizza scissors (pizza scissors?) and, of course, the ubiquitous apron. Oh, and a floral ponytail holder that you should accessorize your apron with. Because it's tres important to accessorize your apron.

4) On Our Web Site: things you can find. . .on the website. It's some extra recipes and stupid craft projects, in case 106 pages of recipes and stupid craft projects aren't enough for you.

Then we have one of my favorite features: 5) Shortcut Chic! The feature where Sandra tells us to save time by doing such chic things as. . . .wrapping a champagne bottle in ribbon remnants to give as a hostess gift.

Which totally saves you tons of time over plopping it into a wine bag, or just handing it to your hostess and going "look! free booze!"

Then there's a brief period of time where I want to stop making fun of the feature for a second, because it has you making croissants stuffed with Nutella and white chocolate, or frozen fruit treats, and those are things I can support. But then there's this:

"Celery Celebration. Surround an inexpensive vase with celery stalks for a surprising centerpiece. . .secure stalks to the vase using floral adhesive."

So you're gluing celery to a vase. I mean, above and beyond the fact that it's bizarre to use celery to decorate a vase, but you're basically throwing the vase away. Because celery is pretty hearty, but it doesn't stay good forever, and no matter how inexpensive a vase is. . . do you really want to a) keep it around after it's got brown, moldy celery glued to it, or b) throw away your vase because it has brown, moldy celery glued to it?

Then there's an ad of sorts, but it's an ad for Sandra related stuff. So if you want to go take the first annual readership survey at semihomemademag.com (for a chance to win one of three $100 AmEx gift cards), or tell semihomemademag.com/ppsweeps about your pantry staple (for a chance to win a fully stocked pantry), then go to.

5) 20 Minute Money Saving Meals is the new name for the 5-day meal planner where you can reportedly feed a family of four for about $15 a meal. This week, your family will be eating Tricolor Pasta with Focaccia; Sloppy Joes with Fast Spicy Fries (which are Ore-Ida fries with McCormick steak seasoning); Spaghetti and (frozen from the bag) Meatballs with Zucchini Rounds; Artichoke Chicken Bake; and Stuffed Bell Peppers with Green Olive Bread Sticks (breadsticks made from crescent rolls wrapped around olives and sprinkled with southwest marinade from a packet).

Continuing with the food section, we have 6) Back to Breakfast. Now, children, you all know that I believe that breakfast is the most important--and often the most delicious--meal of the day. . .

. . . but I'm afraid I can't endorse these gross looking messes. They're the Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit Casserole and the Huevos Rancheros Strata.

The truly horrible part is, they don't sound too bad in theory. But the "beauty shots" of them look so gross. If your "beauty shots" are that awful, then what does the real thing look like?

Then there's a whole 3 page spread on 7) Fast & Flavorful Tilapia. Oh, the things Sandra can do to tilapia. She can pan sear it in panko! She can broil it with Succotash! She can Bake it with lemon and dill!

That's all she can do with tilapia.

8) Sandra's Super 7 is where she shills. . . .um, shares. . .her favorite supermarket finds that will complete the perfect pantry. This issue, the products are the aforementioned meatballs in a bag; barbecue sauce; food coloring; Nutella; premade meringue cookies; a Boboli crust; and Classico Pesto. Yawn.

Then we have instructions on how to make a 8) Quick White Cake (3 Ways).

This, seriously, is a thing of beauty.
Because, you see, the first way to make a quick white cake is to buy an angel food cake, pipe some obscene mixture of cream cheese and whipped topping all over it, gouge some ladyfingers into the side, and top it with strawberries and maraschino cherries.

And the way to make a quicker white cake is to spread the cream cheese mixture onto it rather than piping it, gouge some ladyfingers into the side, and top it with strawberries and maraschino cherries.

And the way to make the quickest white cake is to spread the cream cheese mixture on, and just throw some strawberries at it.

I know your heads are spinning from the radical differences between those three recipes, but I hope you have time for 9) Summer Sweets, which I'm not going to make fun of, because made from mixes or not, they look pretty alright to me.
I am going to include a picture of the Strawberry Pineapple Cake, because I'm a sucker for pink cake. It loses points, though, because it's frosted in "Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting," which is not much more than cream cheese mixed with strawberry jam, strawberry extract, butter, and powdered sugar.

BARF. What is this woman's obsession with mixing cream cheese and jelly? I mean, I like cream cheese with jelly, but when you blend the two together, it becomes a gross, gynecological looking mess. Trust.

Oh look, it's 10) Kimber's Heirloom Easy.
aaaaaaand we're back to pictures that prove Sandra hates her sister.

This time, Kimber's Heirloom dish is Ravioli. Naturally, the "heirloom" way to make ravioli is to make the ravioli and the sauce from scratch. The Semi-Homemade way to make them is to make your own ravioli. . . using wonton wrappers. . . and top them in Newman's Own marinara.

Now, nothing against Mr. Newman, because I adore him and his sauce, but wouldn't it be easier/more normal to make the sauce and buy premade fresh ravioli? There are great packaged raviolis, while making them from wonton wrappers sounds like it could be pretty fucked up.

Also, no matter what Food Network tries to make you believe, wonton wrappers are not easy to find. So really, folks--either make your own or buy the delicious ones that Harris-Teeter sells premade in the refrigerated section. Don't go to these overly complicated and not at all tasty half measures.

For a special treat, Sandra wants your heirloom recipes so Kimber can fuck them up. . . erm. . . convert them to Semi-Homemade versions. Has Kimber run out of recipes to bastardize already? Anyway, you can submit yours at semihomemademag.com and see what kind of havoc the Lee girls wreak on it.

11) From One Semi-Homemaker to Another is where other semi-homemakers send in their recipes. It's the usual flock of winners--we have Chicken Parmigiana made with frozen breaded chicken tenders; pecan crusted chicken with garlic rice made with Uncle Ben's rice; pesto penne salad made with jarred pesto; and beef pot pie made with Italian-style beef roast and refrigerated pie crust.

BURF.

But then to make up for the burfy pot pies of doom and horror, we have the best. Thing. Ever. It's called 12) Just Ripe For Fun
And it's a WATERMELON CAKE!!!!!!!!!!

It's not watermelon flavored, mind you--it is, in fact, just white cake mix with red food coloring added to two of the layers, and currants to represent the seeds. But look how freaking adorable it is!!!

There's also a watermelon punch (pureed watermelon in pink lemonade with watermelon kool-aid and lemon lime soda); a watermelon margarita (the watermelon punch with booze added) and instructions on how to make your own grilled pizza.

The second idea for the entertaining feature is an 13) Endless Summer Party, which is kind of luau-esque and involves coconut mojitos, salmon rolls, a salad, bread, pork kabobs, and a grilled peach ice cream parfait.

14) Crystal Clear is a bunch of clear shit you can buy. Like glasses. And cake pedestals. and a wine bucket. It is, if anything, even less fascinating than it sounds.

The feature on 15)Decadent Drinks and Bite-Size Delights is another one I don't quite feel like making fun of, mostly because I have a sore throat and all of the drinks look completely delish. The food is negatable--it's basically jell-o, baked apples, tiny cheese balls, "Eton Chaos shooters" (mini servings of faux Eton Mess); and bruschetta.

But the drinks? There's an Orange Sangria that looks pretty good; a Pineapple-Mango Slush (with rum) that looks REALLY good; a Tomato-Basil Cocktail (made with Clamato) that makes me want to vomit; a Blushing Grapefruit Cocktail that I could make with what's in my house now. . . .

. . .and then I did, because shut up, I have a cold and citrus is good for you. . .

. . . an Orange-Sage Martini that looks completely refreshing and delicious; and a carrot ginger cocktail that I'm pretty sure I'd try even though I don't like carrot juice.

So that's 4 out of 6 that I would drink, one that I actually am drinking right now, and one that makes me want to vomit. On balance, that's not bad odds.

16) Party In Color is where she runs out of pink and orange fluorescent crap and switches to blue and purple fluorescent crap.



17) Colorful, Clever, and Clutter Free is where Sandy gives us her usual stolen from Real Simple ideas on how to organize your home. It's all pretty basic stuff. . .

. . . except for the part where she advises you to "Make countertop cleaning easier by placing everything on a cake stand." And here I could go into my usual "yes, all those extra cake stands you have standing around" rant, but really I'm more confused as to why she didn't feature this in her "different things you can do with a cake stand!" feature two issues back rather than defaulting to "you can put a cake on it!" Because using a cake stand to organize your kitchen is a new and different (though slightly insane) thing to do with a cake stand. Putting a cake on it? Not so much.

Speaking of that feature, this month we have 18) Smooth as Glass. Things you can do. . . with a vase!


And this is too good to be true, but #1 is "fish in a vase." Which just makes me thing of "Dick in a Box."

One. . . .put your fish in a vase
Two.. . your fish dies in the vase!
Three. . .then he floats in the vase

And that's the way you get. . . a dead fish in a vase!

Other things you can do with your vase include layering different colors of beans in it, putting flowers in it (I know. Shocker), and making it into an impromptu hurricane lamp.

19) When Girls Gather is the feature where you invite your friends over to do a stupid craft and drink. This issue, you're drinking a Chameleon Peach Cocktail, which, again, looks pretty damn good, but really it's just peach schnapps and vodka with a fruit juice ice cube in it.

The craft this time is that you're making fruity based salad dressings. Oh . . .what fun. Nothing's better than gathering your girls to chop up some fruit, boil it with vinegar, and puree it while you all get liquored up. Now I feel guilty for not forcing all the ladies to make dressing the last time we hung out.


20)Serving Up Love features Sandra working with Meals on Wheels, and making a Strawberry Soda Cake, which looks like it has the same general recipe principles and flatness issues that Retro's Old Fashioned Birthday Cake did.

We close with a recipe for a 21) Meatball Sub, presumably made with the leftover bagged meatballs from the dinner you made your family earlier this month.

And that's it. Let me point two things out: there are fewer features/articles in this issue than there have been in any previous issue. There are also fewer ads. Way fewer ads. And what ads there are are for Sandra related events/websites/promotions.

Is this a sign that this magazine is hemhorraging money? Am I even going to get the full 7 issues that my grandpa's birthday money paid for?