Top Chef: Masters--a Little Off Tracht

Monotone no more
Suzanne Tracht must pack her knives
Because of cold fish.

(I thought I'd bring the haiku back for the champions' round, so that I'd get warmed up for the back-to-back premiers of Top Chef: Vegas and Project Runway: Lifetime, which are just around the corner. So exciting).

Ok, loves, I'm super tired--three hour insomnia fest from 2:30-5:30 last night, and I have a cold that's either on the wane or about to come back with a vengeance. So if this is short and you get deprived of your usual dose of The Funny or The Snarky. . . well, fuck yourselves in chocolate, then.

I will say that I think things picked up a bit in the Champions' Round. It's not as though it suddenly became a backstabbing fun fest or anything, but at least with six of them, there was less time for the cameras to show them all standing around being nice and boring. Also, the critics seem to have relocated their balls--some of those scores were low.

Anyway.

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters Kitchen! Everything is gleaming and GE-ish. The Champions enter for the Champions' Round, where K-Choi awaits them. She welcomes them and reminds them that 1 of them will win the grand prize of 100K for their charity.

There will be 3 rounds in the Champion round--the highest scoring chef in each round wins another 10K for his/her charity, while the lowest scorer gets eliminated. Art Smith interviews that he doesn't want to be eliminated. Well, duh, Art, you fat worthless load. Neither does anyone else.

Quickfire. They draw knives to choose teams, and are divided into Team Salt and Team Pepper for the mise en place relay race. Yay!!!

Team Salt is Keller, Lo, and Bayless. Team Pepper is the others. I am rooting for Team Salt, all the way baby! And the QF judge is. . . Tom Colicchio, who big gay art refers to as "Big Daddy himself." Urgh. Tom explains that the steps are shucking oysters, dicing onions, butchering chickens, and separating eggs and beating the whites until they hold upside down for 5 seconds. The winning team will get an advantage in the elimination round.

They divide up the duties and Anita reminisces about Casey laboriously chopping onions for 6 hours. Ha-ha, Casey sucked. Keller feels like the weight of the team is on him because c he's doing two tasks.

And we're off to the races! Oysters is Suzanne vs. Hubert. Suzanne seems a lot faster and more confident with it. Halfway through, though, Keller sees how ahead Suzanne is and kicks into high gear. They finish at exactly the same time.

Round 2, Onions, is Art vs. Keller. Art says something campy about how he's going to cry himself a river from chopping the onions. Bayless thinks about the differences between French and American onion chopping techniques. Big Gay Art finishes first. Booo.

Round 3, Chickens, is Chiarello vs. Lo, with Chiarello having a bit of a time advantage because of the onion round. Art tries to steal the spotlight back by promising Michael fried chicken for a lifetime if he wins. I will give Chiarello a lifetime of not referring to him as "molestery" in the future if he butchers Art like a chicken. They finish dead on.

Final round is eggs, with Art vs. Bayless. Chiarello tells Art to "put that limp wrist to work." HA! Homophobic humor is so awesome. Art has to fish yolks out of his whites, which gives Bayless an edge, and he wins! Yay!!!!! Yay team Salt!!!!

K-Choi tells Team Salt that they'll all go into the elimination challenge with 5 stars; Pepper starts with 4 stars. K-Choi then says that before the elimination challenge, they'll learn a bit more about each other--they'll each cook their signature dish for the other chefs. Lo muses that she's more nervous cooking for the other chefs than for food writers. Commercial!

Back! Bayless says that cooking for the other chefs is a privilege and a challenge, and recaps all of their styles/strengths which . . .we all know from the previous round. Look. I'm tired.

Then Art is obnoxious, but the particulars aren't interesting. Minor Food Flurry.

Dinner! They announce their dishes. Keller has made a Lobster and Truffle Cappucino with Corn Madeline. NOM. He reminisces about growing up above a pastry shop. Art has made Seared Grouper with Hearts of Palm Trumpet Mushrooms and Meyer Lemon Juice. He fame whores about how he fed it to the Obamas for Valentines. Shut up, asshole. Lo has made Seared Scallops with Potato Puree and Bacon, Sea Urchin, and Mustard Greens. Chiarello's dish is Fennel Balsalmic Quail with Mosto Cotto, Mostarda, Sauteed Greens and Roasted Apples. Suzanne has made Chopped Sirloin with Green Peppercorn Sauce and Fried Egg. NOM. She says she likes to keep things simple, but with great flavors. Bayless has made Rack of Lamb and Black Pastilla Chile with Mission Figs. NOM. Bayless talks about how he first went to Mexico working on a PhD in anthropology.

K-Choi returns, having not partaken in the dinner because it's for the chefs and because god forbid she eat anything. She tells them that their elimination challenge will be to put their own spin on a competitor's dish. Bayless says "that's mean!"

Hubert gets first choice because he did two tasks for the winning team. He picks Anita's dish. Everyone else has to pull knives. Rick is matched with Chiarello; Big Gay Art gets Suzanne.

They get $300 and 45 minutes to shop, with 2 hours to cook tomorrow for a round-table of 6 influential diners. Commercial!

Back! Whole Foods! Chiarello talks about how Bayless's food is the best because he has respect for Mexican cooking. Bayless has decided not to Mexicanize Michael's dish because it's too predictable.

Back to the kitchen! Food flurry! Art Smith talks about how he didn't get into the restaurant business until about a year and a half ago because he was too busy being a whore for Oprah. Hubert says he was inspired by Anita's combination of the mashed potato and the urchin. Anita's lobster starts trying to escape, but she kills him. She's fierce. I like her. Art flambes something in a pan. Insert flaming Art joke here. Art is reinterpreting Suzanne's dish with hard boiled eggs stuffed into lamb burgers; Suzanne is making Art's more complex by adding gnocchi. Chiarello talks about how his family is from Calabria (mine too! Mine too!), so they have the Mexican mentality toward chilis (we also invented sopressata, so vaffancuolo, polentoni).

45 minutes left! Suzanne is worried about the grouper because it's a difficult fish to cook. She plates before everyone else, though. Foreboding!

Dinner! Art serves first, and the other diners are some of the Top Chef Master challengers: Moonen, LeFebvre, Falkner, Peel, and Cimarusti. He frets that they'll be tough. And then there's Raymer, Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET hat, and Ozeland. Oh my god, this is the best Gael Greene Hat in the HISTORY of Gael Greene's hats.

Art has made a Ground Lamb Scotch Egg, Sweet Potato Fries, and a Tomato Tart. Falkner says it would be better if the egg was less cooked. Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat says Art likes to put dessert on the plate.

Next is Bayless. He worries that Ludo is unpredictable. His dish is Quail with Parsnip and Prosciutto over Wild Greens. I would NOM that, and I'm not big on game birds. Falkner is totally surprised that there's no spice, but Moonen compliments his lack of "typecasting." Ludo thinks it's great. Wow, that WAS unpredictable.

Suzanne has made Roast Grouper with Gnocchi, Peas, Bacon and Parsnips. Falkner's fish is overcooked and her gnocchi is cold. Nooooo.. . . Ozeland thinks the fish was cooked brilliantly "once upon a time" but has sat about for too long.

Keller presents Seared Scallop with Cream of Sea Urchin over Fingerling Mashed Potatoes. Ok, I'd eat that. I'd break out in hives a minute after I finished and would have to be rushed to the hospital, but I'd eat it. Several people mention how perfectly the scallop is cooked. Ludo says he can taste the ocean.

Chiarello has made a Rack of Lamb Stuffed with Fig Mostarda, Chickpeas and Fried Rosemary. I don't get his obsession with the mostarda, and that dish is more like his own dish than Bayless', but I'd still nom it. Cimarusti thinks it should be more cooked and more seasoned. Lee likes it. Ludo says it has "a leetle bomb flavor somewhere."

Lo wraps things up with Corn Chawanmushi Champagne Jelee and Lobster Biscuit Sandwich. TRES NOM. Falkner loves her thinking. Moonen raves about the lobster

The chefs toast; the critics are turned away, and the diners rate the dishes. Commercial!

Back! Oh, fake back. It's very Artcentric Art talks about how he's a big lover of fun. Bayless says they all like him. Chiarello loves him like a little brother. Oh, god this is tiresome. Too much goddamn Art! He should be fed to carnivorous shrimps.

Back! Critics' Table. The chefs enter and K-Choi reminds us what the rules are. Hubert explains why he chose Anita's dish, and Ozeland compliments his scallop. Raymer asks if he thought there was enough urchin.

Lo was mostly happy with how her dish came out, and Raymer asks if she hesitated to "go radical." She thought it was important to put her spin on it. Ozeland compliments the biscuit and asks if she has a "secret Southern background." She reveals that her mother went to school in Tennessee and Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat says she's "so full of surprises."

Art explains his reinterpretation of Suzanne's steak. Ozeland found the meat a bit rare, while Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat thought the egg was overcooked.

Suzanne talks about her Grouper and Ozeland says it was a bit cold. She worries that she plated too soon. Raymer asks if she thought the fish was cooked as it should be.

Rick says he did an "homage" to Michael's quail dish. GG's PVH says the flavors were beautiful. There's a nice discussion of bacon, pancetta, and prosciutto that I drool over slightly, causing my keyboard to short out so I can't accurately describe it. Ozeland says the dish had "fresh innocence" and Rick jokes that "no one's said fresh innocence in my presence for a really long time!" Ok, Bayless grows on me every time I see him. I'm sorry I ever said he looked like a pedophile.

Michael goes last and a few people indicate that their lamb was a bit rare. Ozeland says it was "so much like Michael that I wasn't really getting a sense of Rick through the dish." Michael gives some convoluted explanation about how he was trying to respect Rick, and Raymer says "so this challenge, you were thinking more about what Rick thought than what we did." Chiarello says yes.

The critics review. GG's PVH would've liked more urchin in the sauce. Ozeland raves about the lobster. The luxury of Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat kicks in, and she calls it "intellectual, sensuous, and delicious." Then she says that Art's "grotesque huge ball of undercooked lamb with the egg in the middle was just terrifying." YES. Oh, PURPLE VELVET Hat, I love you so. Anyway, Raymer liked the fries. Big shitty deal. They're fries.

Raymer thinks Suzanne was let down by her protein, and Ozeland says the resting ruined it. Raymer thinks Michael was uncomfortable with his dish and tripped himself up. They all love the chickpeas. Then they rave about Rick's dish, and his quiet respect of Michael's original dish.

They call the chefs back in. What, no commercial first? I got caught out forwarding through some stuff that I assumed was preview but turned out to be actual show. . . god I'm tired.

An-ee-way. K-Choi tells Rick and Anita that they have the highest scores. Rick has 4.5 from the diners; 5 from Ozeland; 4 from GG's PVH; and 4.5 from Raymer. His total is 23. Anita has 4.5 from the diners; 5 from Raymer; 4.5 from Ozeland; and 5 from GG's PVH. Anita has a total of 24, and wins another 10K for Share. She wonders if she can just go home now on this high note. She's adorbs.

The winners are sent out. One of the remaining four will go home. And NOW we go to commercial.

Back! Michael gets a 3 from the diners; a 3.5 from Ozeland; a 4 from GG's PVH; and a 4 from Raymer for a total of 18.5.

Hubert gets a 4 from the diners; a 4.5 from Raymer; a 4 from GG's PVH; and a 4 from Ozeland. He has 21.5, and is safe. Yay! He returns to the kitchen.

Art gets 3 from the diners; 2.5 from Ozeland; 3 from GG's PVH; and 2.5 from Raymer. His total 15. OOOOHHHH! DARE I DREAM???? Michael gets to go back to the kitchen.

Finally we have Suzanne, with a 3 from the diners and a 2.5 from each of the judges. Ouch. And so my dream dies, because her total is 14.5. Art is safe by half a star. Piss. Suzanne has to pack her knives. She tells the other chefs it's been an honor.

Next: catering for Zooey Deschanel! Twists! Restrictions!