Top Chef: Masters--You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice.

(Name that musical, children)

Ok. On the plus side, I've never seen a group of chefs be so nice to each other as they were last night.

On the negative side, that made it so freaking boring I can hardly stand to think about the episode.

It's especially frustrating to have to think about such a nice freaking group when my August/September issue of Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade magazine arrived yesterday, and it's so full of delicious awfulness that I can hardly stand waiting to write about it.

The theme color for the issue is fluorescent. Fluorescent, people!

Anyway. On with the nicey nicey boring niceness.

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters kitchen! Jonathan Waxman enters. He talks about how he's been a chef since 1971. Tom says he's "the godfather" and trained accomplished chefs like Bobby Flay. Gail says he changed the culinary landscape by opening Jams in the '80s. His charity is Meals on Wheels. He says he's his own competition

Next, Roy Yamaguchi! Gail runs through his impressive credentials. Roy explains how he fused his ethnic background with the French sauces he learned during his CIA training. Ozeland says he's the king of fusion. Roy's charity is Imua Family Services.

Then we have that fat load Big Gay Art. Gael Greene's Hat says everyone thinks of him as "Oprah's chef," and the face under the hat sneers appropriately at this. It's delicious. I love you, Gael Green's Hat! Gail talks up Art's qualifications. Art's charity is his charity, Common Threads.

Finally, we have Michael Cimarusti. Gail says he's an extraordinary seafood chef. He thinks his focus on fish makes Providence unique. Yes, because there are no other restaurants that focus solely on seafood. His charity is the Grameen Foundation. He's the youngest in this group of chefs by about 10 years. He was, in fact, a line cook for Waxman when he was 19 or 20.

Enter K-Choi. She asks if the past judges have an advantage. Waxman says Art has a weight advantage. HAH. He's my favorite now.

Quickfire! They draw knives, which all have numbers on them. She tells them they'll be recreating the Aisles challenge from Season 3--they have to cook a dish from the supermarket aisle corresponding to the number on their knives. This is where Hung made his awesome Smurf Village. Oh, and Brian Malarkey won or something. Their budget is $20.

Big Gay Art lists all the famous people he's cooked for, which is completely irrelevant except for the fact that he's a fucking fame whore.

Whole Foods! Waxman frets about how he hate things in jars and cans, which is all that's in his aisle, and then he gripes about how he can't see well. The fact that Waxman is SO DAMN OLD (58) will become kind of a theme for this episode. Cimarusti is in the baking and pastry aisle, and thinks about escape. He says he stays away from pastry since his wife is a pastry chef. Aw. Yamaguchi is in an Italian aisle. Big Gay Art has beans and grains, which seems like an unfair advantage to me. Anyone can make a meal out of beans and grains (I personally have eaten arroz con frijoles three nights this week. Recession, people).

Then for no apparent reason Big Gay Art molestorily says "Michael, you're a young little chicken and I'm an old rooster, and I can teach you a few things." It's gross.

Back to the kitchen! K Choi shows them their judges, who are some random Whole Foods employees. They have 30 minutes to cook. Yamaguchi freaks out about the lack of Asian ingredients (fish sauce, soy sauce). Waxman and Big Gay Art have troubles with the same pressure cookers that flummoxed Cindy Pawlcyn a few episodes back. Here's what I've learned from Top Chef: Masters--old people are confused by pressure cookers. Cimarusti helps them out. Big Gay Art whores some more about all the famous people he's cooked for. Once again, this has nothing to do with anything. Fat load.

Times Up! Commercial!

Back! Roy's dish is served first: a Pasta with Fried Egg and Asian Flavors. The Whole Foods people freak out about the egg on the pasta. They've never seen this before. To which I can only say--really? REALLY??? That's what I eat for dinner if I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks. It's so basic. And they've NEVER had it?

Huh.

Anyway, Jonathan has made a Mint, Lentil and Roasted Pepper Salad. The Whole Foodies seem to like it, though one thinks it has too much onion

Art goes next with a Multi Grain Risotto with a Crispy Rice Salad. The Whole Foodies love it.

Cimarusti goes last with his Chocolate Parfait with Ginger and Sauternes Syrup and Crispy Sesame Crackers. The foodies seem mixed--two love it, one doesn't.

K Choi comes back with their ratings. Waxman gets a 3.5; Roy earns a 4; Art gets a 4.5 and gloats that he's going to take the show. But then: Cimarusti gets 5 stars. HAH!!! Suck it, Big Gay Art. He thinks his pastry chef wife would be proud. Aw.

Elimination Challenge: they draw knives again, but are told not to reveal what's on their knife--it's another chef's name. They have to create a mystery box for the chef who's name is on the knife. The chefs will then make a dish using 7 ingredients from that box.

This is so. . .reality show. There's so much room here to fuck people over. Can you imagine Hosea doing this? He'd make Fabio a box full of non Italian things, like radishes and gefiltefische, and then he'd bitch when someone did the same thing to him.

So the chefs go back to Whole Foods. They have 45 minutes and $300. Waxman says it's unthinkable to sabotage the other chefs. Good for you, Waxman! Art and Cimarusti express similar feelings, with Cimarusti saying there's more camaraderie with Masters than there is among the normal cheftestants. Well, yes. Meaning. . . .there's camaraderie, at all.

Commercial!

Back! The four of them are having dinner with K Choi. It's very homey and lovely. Ok, that's the fakeout scene.

Promo for Top Chef, Vegas! Yay!!!

Really back! K Choi, wearing a bizarre outfit that makes her look like an extra from the original Star Trek series, has them reveal their boxes.

Roy's box is for Art, who's afraid he'll have to torture a creature. Implying that the Asian guy is going to set you up to kill some sort of exotic beast? Yeah, that's not racist or anything. Anyway, he loves his box with chicken and corn and yams. Roy wanted to set him up for success to showcase his talent. Yay Roy.

Art's box is for. . .Roy! huh. Roy's got all sorts of island type ingredients. Ok, there's support, and there's pigeonholing, and somehow this seems like crossing the line a bit. Not that Roy hasn't set exactly up with that "OMG, I cannot cook without fish sauce!!!!" freakout earlier in the episode.

Michael's box is for Waxman, and he's given him pork and other ingredients that reflect his sensibility.

Waxman's box is, naturally, for Michael, and he's denied him fish. Ok, that's. . .kind of douchey, since Michael is the fish guy, but he's still got good ingredients.

They have 2 hours to cook, and must use 7 of the 11 ingredients in their boxes. Food Flurry! Roy reflects on how the time constraints are hard on him. Cimarusti talks about how he's known for fish, but he's certainly comfortable cooking with meat. Now he sounds defensive about it.

Waxman talks about how he's old and can't see. Argh, we get it already. Art Smith says something horribly cliche about how his mother taught him that food was love. Being fed on that sort of ridiculous tripe as a child, is it any wonder that he was attracted to Oprah as an adult? Roy has difficulty cooking his mahi mahi because they're not cut evenly. Waxman plates fancier than he does normally. Cimarusti runs out of time to sauce.

The diners enter. Gail is back!

Big Gay Art serves first, and says "if you feed people they will come." He puts a decidedly sexual inflection on it, and thus defiles Field of Dreams and cements my hatred of him. He has made Fried Chicken Two Ways and Mango Pie. Gail says it "oozes Art Smith. It oozed out of him when he was talking about it." I don't know that I'd want to eat something that oozed out of Art Smith. Ozeland thinks it's too much in his comfort zone.

Roy serves next, and he has made a Short Rib Kalbi and Mahi-Mahi. It changes Gael Greene's Hat's impression of mahi mahi, because she thinks it's usually boring, but one of the students says too much lemongrass.

Cimarusti has made a Loin of Lamb with Sunchoke Puree, Brocolli Rabe and Roasted Cauliflower. Gael Greene's Hat loves the sunchoke puree. Ozeland says nothing tasted "inappropriate or bad," but nothing was delicious except the meat. Wow, I don't know if I'd ever describe anything I've eaten as "inappropriate."

Finally, Waxman presents his "retro 80's" dish: Pork Sausage and Chop with Cauliflower and Celery Root Puree and Black Truffle. Waxman reflects on how he and Gael go way back. Gael loves the philosophy of the dish. Ozeland finds it a successful home cooking kind of dish. The students also enjoyed it.

Back in the kitchen, the chefs reflect on the meal. Commercial!

Back! K Choi thanks them for the dinner. Cimarusti gets questioned first. Gael Greene's Hat thought his dish was better without the sauce. Ozeland asks if he thought the ingredients were synchronous, and Cimarusti says he just wanted to bring out the flavors of the ingredients.

Art is next and does his stupid food is love schtick again. The critics loved the cobbler. Then there's a little Waxman/Art love fest, and Gail says it's a real change for her, which is SO TRUE when you think of all the backstabbing and bitchassedness she's put up with in 5 seasons of normal Top Chef. Ozeland was concerned about having the two chickens on the plate, but it was good.

Roy found it fast and challenging. K Choi's fish was overcooked, but Gael Greene's Hat's piece was perfect. However, she didn't think it worked as a plate. Gail liked the marinade. Roy admits to having problem thinking on his feet.

They talk about how Waxman's plate may have caused problems with his sauce distribution. Gail loved the truffles; Gael's Hat loved the exuberance. And blah blah blah love fest, he talks about how the other chefs fed his creative process. This show is TOO NICE. I mean, it's great that they're nice, but they're nice to the point where they obliterate all drama.

The chefs go back and drink while the critics deliberate. Gail is awed by their camaraderie, and loved Art's chicken. Ozeland felt that Roy's internal conflict showed up on the plate. Gail liked the individual components of Michael's, but didn't think they were all related. Gael says everyone loved Waxman's plate, but Ozeland didn't love the truffle. He does, however, think it was the most fundamentally connected plate of the four. Commercial!

Ooh, there's a new Atlanta housewife? Why do they always have to add a new chick in the second season?

Back! Time for scores. Waxman gets 4.5 from the diners; 4 from Ozeland; 4 from Gael Greene's Hat, and 4 from Gail for a total of 20.

Roy gets a 3 from the diners; a 2.4 from Gael Greene's Hat; a 3 from Gail, and a 2.5 is Ozeland. Augh. His total is 15. Double Augh. Poor Roy.

Michael gets a 3.5 from the diners; a 3.5 from Gael Greene's Hat; a 3.5 from Gail; and a 2.5 from Ozeland. His total is 17.5.

At this point, my notes say "Oh, god, this is awful" because the inevitability of that fat load Art Smith winning is overwhelming me.

And sure enough, he gets a 5 from the diners; a 3 from Ozeland; a 4.5 from Gail; and a 5 from Gael Greene's Hat. His total is 22. AUGH. AUGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

Art wants to call his mother. Ooooookay. Roy reflects on the friendships. Waxman thinks they all did well. Oh my god TOO NICE.

Next: Round of Champions! Pressure! And someone had BETTER FUCKING BE MEAN.