Project Runway: Auf for Oeuf

Too conceptual?
Sure. Pregnant chicken suit is years
Ahead of its time.

I’m not going to lie to you pumpkins—I’m thoroughly glad that pretentious twat is gone. Though if I’m honest, I do think cute little Mitchell deserved to be cut. In my book, two weeks of craptasmic construction is a far worse sin in a fashion competition than a well constructed yet thoroughly wackadoodle maternity outfit inspired by eggs.

But at the same time, Malvin was such an effing mess. He’s one of those people who’s so far gone in terms of being full of himself that the only way they’d be even remotely bearable is if they had a sense of humor about their own self declared “superiority,” and two weeks of evidence indicates that he didn’t.

In fact, he and Ari Fish may be similar in that regard—they both seemed to consider themselves “ahead of” the other designers in some way, or otherwise too good for the competition. And whether you or they buy that or not, you have to acknowledge that it can’t not be a fatal flaw. If you’re so damned good. . . then why are you here, trying to slug it out with the rest of the peons?

Anyway. Let’s do it.

We open, as these shows are wont to do, on the designers’ apartments. In the girls’ apartment, Althea says she’s surprised that someone actually went home last night, and that Ari’s departure is a wake-up call. Althea has apparently slept through every episode of every reality show ever if she needs to be awakened to the fact that people are going to be leaving on a regular basis.

In the boys apartment, they’re happy that Mitchell is still there. Me too. He’s such a cute little button.

At the runway! Heidi emerges in a really over-the-top leopard print dress and tells them that for their next challenge, they’ll be creating a look for a Supermodel/film/TV star, “and she’s got a biiiiiiiiig surprise for you!” Out walks Rebecca Romijn (not Stamos), back in the day when she was pregnant with twins by Jerry O’Connell. This season has sat on the shelf for so long that I believe said twins are actually driving at the moment.

Their job this week is to design a “pregnancy chic” look for Rebecca. It can be any type of outfit for any type of event, and her major requirement is that it “celebrates” her pregnant shape.

The designers head off to the workroom, where they all find pregnancy padding waiting at their stations. They start strapping them to their forms, and themselves. Christopher vows he won’t let having immunity slow him down. Since Gordana has had kids, a lot of them ask her where the bellies should start. She tells them “under the boob area.”

Tim enters, and tells them they’ll have 30 minutes to sketch before they head off to Mood. Their budget will be $100, and they’ll have two days to complete the look. Naturally, who ever wins will get immunity.

They sketch. Logan the “guy’s-guy” tells us that he’s never had “a lot of pregnant women in my life” and babies kind of scare him. Ok? So because he’s a guy’s guy and dripping with testosterone, babies are his Kryptonite or something?

Anyway, they all head to Mood. Shirin is making a dress with a lined coat, and picks out some beautiful floral fabric for the lining. Carol Hannah tells us that she’s made a maternity bridesmaid dress before. I bet that was. . . .interesting. Probably not “pregnancy chic.” Qristyl with a Q freaks out. Again. Some more. I think her freak outs are going to be a trope this season. Time! Thank you, Mood!

Back at the workroom, Irina says that there shouldn’t be such a gap between clothes and maternity clothes. Yes, you’re a revolutionary who’s the first one to express the idea that pregnant women shouldn’t have to wear tents all the time. Quick, what are your bold new thoughts on fat ladies?

Ra’mon looks around the room and thinks that everyone else will be doing “draped, goddessy, Pea in the Pod” dresses, and his will be more form fitting to honor the belly.

Louise is doing a “1920’s negligee inspired cocktail dress.” I love her. This will surprise no one. Malvin look is inspired by fertility, and is called “the mother hen.” Oh, Malvin. The look on my face as I typed that was inspired by you, and it’s called “disdain meets disgust with a dash of ‘bitch, please.’”

And then Ra’mon freaks out about his dress, which Mitchell rather accurately compares to a bowling ball bag. I was thinking more “seventies sneaker,” but we all have our own frames of reference.

Commercial!

Back! In the workroom, Malvin elaborates on his comments from the previous segment by telling us his outfit is “egg inspired.” Mitchell is making an outfit that involves a pair of short shorts, because that’s exactly what all women who are heavily pregnant with twins want to do—wear a pair of micro shorts that expose every varicose vein and inch of cellulose in their thighs. Also, he seems to have confused the challenge, as his shorts are cut not so much for a pregnant lady as they are for one of those gigantic fat men who gets to be about 800 pounds and has to be cut out of the house and taken out with a crane.

Mitchell’s shorts? They’re what that guy wears on his summer vacation. They’re so huge that Louise can get both her legs into one leg of the shorts, and another of the girl designers gamely hops into the other.

And then they leave the workroom, and we get the change of day montage. Sunset. . . .sunrise! Day 2! At the apartments, Irina wants to finish and the boys debate whether there’ll be a twist. Oh, you adorable little masochists. Pregnant supermodel wasn’t enough of a twist for you?

Tim through! Althea explains that her look is for a luncheon, and Tim counsels her against trying to explain it as a look for day. He worries that Louise’s is a little too night gown-y. Shirin’s is absolutely beautiful.

Moving to Malvin, he hears about the jodphurs our young friend is planning to make that are “inspired by chicken thighs.” Oh, possums. At Ra’Mon’s station, he cautions him that the color blocking in the dress may be emphasizing the belly too much.

Ra’Mon has another freak out. I wonder if his will be an all-season thing like Qristyl with a Q's appear to be, or if this is a one episode event.

Tim sends in the models, and they all strap on their bellies and try on the looks. Johnny the meth addict coaches his model on how to walk.

End of day! Commercial!

Back! Day of the runway show. Mitchell frets about the day ahead. Ra’Mon thinks he has a lot of work to do. Malvin wants to make his “little egg nest” more literal. Oh, Malvin. “more literal” is never the way to go with something called a “little egg nest.”

In the workroom. Nicolas has a broken zipper issue. Ra’mon, who has not had the benefit of seeing the bottom-dweller edit he’s getting in this episode, thinks he’s the front runner. He also calls someone “Stella” for working with leather. I can’t decide whether to meet this with a nostalgic “Stellaaaaaaa!” or think that making references to previous seasons’ designers is the latest and surest sign that this show has straight up jumped the shark.

The models enter. Althea’s model has boob trouble, and Mitchell’s shorts are a disaster. The models go to hair and makeup while the designers do their final fashion flurry. Malvin looks around the room and thinks the other designers haven’t “cracked the egg.” I think Malvin himself is pretty cracked. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi introduces their judges for the challenge: Monique Lhullier is sitting in for Kors, and then there’s Nina Garcia and Rebecca Romijn (not Stamos). Heidi tells them they’ve all been pregnant, so they know what they’re looking for.

And now, the looks. One of the homosexuals I watch with snarks “you know it’s on Lifetime when you’ve got models walking pregnant down the runway.”

Logan’s is a white tunic with disastrous black bike shorts. Shirin’s is a freaking gorgeous wine colored dress and a beautifully lined black coat. You pretty much know it’s the winner the minute she enters. Nicolas is a shiny, short cocktail dress—among the tackiest and cheapest looking things I’ve ever seen.

Christopher has made a purple tunic with leggings. Mitchell’s shorts are every bit as horrible as they promised to be, but they’re paired with a tank and an interestingly cut swing sweater. Qristyl with a Q has made a pumpkin colored halter dress. Epperson’s is some piece of white disco nonsense.

Louise’s lingerie inspired dress is red and tiered and gorgeous. Gordana’s is a blue thing with a sweater. Johnny the meth addict has made a cute but basic black sundress.

Malvin’s either looks like the star of a pregnant production of Flashdance, or like she’s already had the baby and is wearing him in a sling across her chest. Ra’Mon’s is a messy purple thing—it looks ok from some angles, but the construction isn’t good, and it’s covered in diagonal swoops pointing towards her belly and—even worse—directly down her ass crack.

Seriously, my notes say “Ra’Mon. Purple messy thing with ass crack accents.” Ass crack accents are never good.

Into the home stretch, Carol Hannah’s is a turquoise thing with an odd silver vest. Althea’s is a blue evening gown with gold accents around the cups and the back. Irina’s is a beautiful pale blue cocktail dress.

Heidi calls Louise, Mitchell, Althea, Malvin, Shirin, and Ra’Mon. Everyone else gets to leave. And in case you haven’t picked up, the girls are the top 3; the boys are the bottom 3. It’s a battle of the sexes, just like Top Chef.

Monique L. tells Ra’Mon his dress is too busy and is sloppily constructed. Nina feels like the swoops point directly to the belly, saying “HERE is the baby.”

Moving to Louise, Rebecca likes the lingerie feel of it, and thinks it would be good for a date night with her husband. Heidi seems to question this, saying “date night?” Rebecca replies “yeah, that’s right,” in a hilarious tone that perfectly conveys “bitch, please—you think Jerry O’Connell can keep his hands off this just because there’s two people in there?” Monique likes the details of the dress, and Nina likes the way it’s tiered to accommodate stages.

For Althea’s Rebecca likes the way it accentuates the back, but Monique thinks it needs more room in the bust. Nina likes that she made a long dress, and Heidi says it’s beautiful.
Speaking to Malvin, Nina says that the “sling” is “disturbing.” Malvin admits to being too attached to the concept of the dress. With Mitchell, Heidi likes the idea of the outfit, but hates the badly constructed shorts. Then there’s this delightful exchange between Nina and Heidi:

Nina: She is a Mess.
Heidi: A Pregnant mess.

Rebecca agrees that the concept is good, but the execution fell apart. Conversely, she likes Shirin’s and thinks that the lining on the coat is pretty. Monique agrees that there’s no bad angle to the outfit, and Heidi is impressed.

They send the designers off. Deliberation. Rebecca compares Ra’Mon’s to a bowling ball bag, which seems to be the theme of the evening. They all agree that they’d wear Mitchell’s if it was well executed. On Malvin’s though, Heidi says “I don’t think any pregnant woman wants to be thought of as the chicken.”

On the good looks, they agree that Shirin’s is beautiful and the most wearable. Althea’s is slimming and elegant. Nina thinks Louise’s is a bit too lingerie-ish, but Rebecca defends it.

Commercial!

Back! On the runway, Heidi tells Louise she’s in. Yay! And the winner for this challenge is. . . Shirin! Yay! She’s already one of my favorites—I think she’s absolutely precious. And the outfit is spectacular.

Althea is in. Ra’Mon is in. Looking at the last two designers, Heidi tells Malvin “your chicken egg look was just not flattering” and bizarre. Mitchell’s concept was good, but the execution was not, and it’s his second time on the runway.

Malvin is out and Mitchell is specifically told he just squeaked by. Malvin is sad to be leaving, but thinks that maybe he’s just “too conceptual for America.” Yes, darling. You’re just so far ahead of the curve on this. The rest of us are just not sophisticated enough to understand the appeal of being got up like a chicken. In ten years, we’ll be there.

Not.

Next week! Teams of two! Trouble! It’s getting hot in here! Epperson needs Tylenol!

God, the product placement on this show just never bloody ends, does it?