Top Chef: Leave, Eve.

It’s all about Eve
And her shitty ceviche
Au revoir, Ninja.

Ok, this episode was just straight up boring. The only slight interest came from Ashley’s ridiculous “ooooh, how dare they make gay chefs do a wedding challenge,” and that was just insufferable. It’s a fucking reality show. They make you do whatever they want.

Beyond that, I have nothing to say about it. Let’s just go.

Morning. Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas, and the massive Top Chef Compound. The Chefs get dressed and Jesse reflects on being in the top on the Quickfire, but the bottom on the elimination. Eve is torn about what to do to make up for being in the bottom. Mike V says it’s weird to be there with his brother. Weird and hot.

Quickfire! They turn up tat M and are greeted by Padma and Todd English. . . and a craps table. Jen makes the observation that Todd English is well known, and “pretty hot”.

For the challenge they’ll all roll the dice, and get to use the number of the ingredients that come up to make their dish. Salt, pepper, and oil don’t count. Oh, it’s just like that crappy Five Ingredient Fix show on Food Network, where somehow every dish involves 87 ingredients because of all the ones that don’t count. The chefs reflect on how they don’t want too many or too few ingredients. Padma also tells them that this is a high stakes quickfire—the winner will get $15K.
Kevin hopes for a low number and rolls a ten. D'oh! Mattin gets a four. They keep rolling, and it’s all very fast, and I still don’t know half their names, and we won’t see half their dishes anyway, so just deal.

30 minutes. Food flurry. Eve is making an asparagus/bleu cheese salad. Mike V is doing a gazpacho with 8 ingredients, and one of those seems to involve liquid nitrogen or dry ice or something. Bryan worries about how his brother sometimes gets over ambitious. Jesse chooses the wrong pan and ends up with colorless scallops. Time!

Padma and Todd English commence to judging. First is Laurine with Asparagus Leek and Lemon soup. Then Jennifer has made Salmon with Lemon, Garlic, Shallot, Parsley and Jalapeno Emulsion with 9 ingredients Mattin has four ingredient Carrot Soup with Ginger. Eve has made Chilled Asparagus Salad with Raisins, Pine Nuts, and Blue Cheese, while Mike V has cranked out an eight ingredient Nitro Gazpacho, Compressed Cucumbers and Toast. Todd English says nitro gazpacho is “a great twist on the tradition.

Kevin’s ten ingredient Asparagus and Celery Salad with Fennel Cream and Boiled Egg is next and Todd English compliments the acidity. Then there’s Ashley’s eight ingredient very rare Grilled Lamb with Apricot Mastrada Wrapping things up, we have Bryan’s Poached Black Cod with Carrot Ginger Puree and Daikon Radish Sprout, which English deems “really rare,” and Jesse's nine ingredient Scallops with Chimichurri and Smashed Garbanzo Beans with Toasted Garlic.

Todd English’s least favorites are Jesse's because the scallops were mushy, Eve’s because the bleu cheese was overpowering and presentation was poor and Bryan’s because the ouzo overpowered the dish.

His favorites were Mike V’s gazpacho, Jennifer’s salmon thing, and Kevin’s, which was a successful marriage of flavors. The winner is Mike V. Yay! We like him. He says one up on his brother is a good way to start off, and he also gets immunity. Commercial!

Back! Elimination! Padma tells them that they’ll be experiencing another Vegas tradition. . . the bachelor(ette) party. Kevin tells us that his was rather debaucherous. Microsoft Word tells me that debaucherous is not a word. Ashley has mixed feelings about the challenge, because as a lesbian, she looks forward to the day when everyone gets married.

Ok, I’m totally with her on that, but her need to immediately politicize both a challenge and a freaking bachelor party caused me to make a face. If it goes beyond that one comment, prepare for some words (foreshadowing!).

The challenge will be a battle of the sexes: the female chefs will cook for the bachelor party, the men for the bachelorette party. Hector reflects that the guys are strong and the girls are week. Big words from someone who was at the bottom last week, Andre the giant. Jen is insulted by the battle of the sexes idea.

Karen and Greg, the happy couple, enter with trays of shots. Karen says they’re looking for foods to be paired with their favorite shots. They’ll have ten minutes to meet with the bachelor/ette.

Ash describes the three shots they’re working with: The Moscow Mule which is a “gingery vodka grapefruity shot,” a shot of Tequila, and the Golden Delicious which he deems “sweet, gooey and disgusting.”

Each team has to do two dishes per shot. Karen is a pescatarian and one of her friends is vegan; she also loves spicy food and puts Sriracha on almost everything. Greg loves shellfish and has a huge sweet tooth. He loves lean meats like tuna and lamb.

They head to Whole Foods where they have 30 minutes and $500 per team. Bryan wants it to go well for the bride and groom. Laurine is going with a lamb dish to go with the Golden Delicious, and hopes her catering background will help the women’s team. Jen buys some frozen octopus to go with the tequila shot.

Eli is making a tuna tartar with Thai flavors for the Moscow Mule. The guys’ team puts Ash in charge of flowers because he’s a homosexual. Between that and Ashley’s stank attitude, this episode singlehandedly sets gay rights back about 10 years.

Two hours to prep. Mike I is stoked and feels confident. Jesse wants to break her streak at the bottom. Mike V wants to be Bryan’s competition, and is doing a frozen version of the Golden Delicious. Eve is doing a shrimp ceviche to go with the tequila, and the other dish for that is Ashley’s grapefruit. . .thing, and talks about her “feelings about the challenge.” Jesus.

Hector is also making a ceviche, and says a number of unintelligible things about the bride and her friends. Bryan is doing a sweet and sour macaroon.

Over on the women’s team, Ashley feels like she has time to do another dish. Jen thinks this is stupid. Ashley talks about how she wants to make something sweet to meet the groom’s expectations, so she goes with a Bay leaf panna cotta.

Hector gets really behind, and the men’s team struggles to the final seconds.

Back at the house, Ashley finds it “beyond comprehension” that they have to do “effectively a wedding challenge” when at least thee of the chefs aren’t allowed in the institution. Um. . . it’s a reality show, and this is not the first time it’s happened, you dumb bitch. Can you imagine the freak out if she’d had to participate in the wedding wars challenge in Chicago?

And for chrissakes, you’re a chef. Are you trying to tell us that you’ve never cooked for a wedding, an engagement party, a hen night? Do you screen every single goddamn person who walks into your restaurant to make sure they’re not celebrating anything that’s personally offensive to you, and that their political beliefs march exactly in lockstep with yours?

Ugh. Who would’ve thought that this relatively bland little lesbian had the capacity to rub me the wrong way like this? Commercial.

Back! The chefs return to the M and have an hour to set up poolside. Michael worries about the sun beating down on them and the affect it could have on their food. Preeti starts garnishing her plate with some shiso leaves. Eve is having issues with the lack of the flavor in the shrimp.

Eight minutes. Mike I blusters about how he’s not worried at all. Laurine says that the men’s food looks contrived. Laurine is full of beans and comments this episode--they're allowing her to develop a personality beyond "white girl chef #75."

The bachelor/ette and their guests arrive. Ashley frets more about being gay and how hard this challenge is and whine whine whine. Mattin reflects about how hot the girls at the party are, and Karen, the bachelorette offers a toast “to me!” Jesus, why is everyone in this episode insufferable?

The guests are swimming and chowing down, when Padma, Gail, Tom, and Todd English arrive. Ok, Tom is wearing shorts with a sports coat. This is unacceptable.

Starting at the girl’s table, we have Robin’s Duck Mole with Cocoa Nibs and Apricot, Laurines Moroccan Lamb Chop with Pomegranate Pine Nut Relish, Eve’s Shrimp and Avocado Ceviche with Smokey Tomato Salsa and Popcorn, and Jen’s Octopus Ceviche with Citrus Viniagrette.

The groom likes the popcorn in Eve’s ceviche, but the judges find it nasty. They like Jen’s octopus, but think it needs salt. They like Robin’s mole, and say that Laurine’s lamb chops are pretty good.

Heading back to the table, we get Ashley’s Watermelon Carpaccio and Bay Leaf Panna Cotta. Preeti’s Corriander and Sesame Crusted Tuna with Spicy Eggplant and Wonton Crisp, and Jesse’s Thai Chicken Lettuce Cup with Shiitake Mushrooms, Shiso, Ginger Beer. The judges find Jesse’s chicken cup too complicated, and Preeti’s dish is sad. Ashley’s carpaccio is good, but the panna cotta is bitter and unset.

Over on the men’s team, the judges start off by sampling Michael’s Apple Sorbet and Goat Cheese Cookie and Kevin’s Chilled Almond Soup with King Crab, Cucumber, and White Grapes. The judges love the soup, but wish it was colder. Michael’s is also deemed excellent.

The next round is Mike I’s Arctic Char, Bryan’s Sweet and Sour Macaroon Filled with Guacamole, Corn Nuts, and Corn Puree, Ron’s Lobster Cocktail with Habanero Tomato Sauce, and Hector’s Tofu, Lemon-Lime, Tequila Ceviche and Guanjillo Achiote Tortilla.

The judges think Hector’s is an interesting idea with nice flavors. Ron’s is unsalted and has no flavor. Mike I’s is flabby and flat. Ha-ha. They like Bryan’s “play on chips and guacamole.” Gail wonders if the judging will be head-to head Voltaggios.

In the final pass, Eli has a Thai Tuna Tartare with Puffed Wild Rice, Mattin has a Bouillabaisse with Aioli Croutin and Petit Basque Croquette¸ and Ash has a Asian Chicken Wing with Pickled Pearl Onions. The judges think Eli’s tartare makes sense with the Moscow Mule, but aren’t fans of Mattin’s Bouillabaisse. They like the chicken wing.

The boys take off their coats and jump into the pool. Laurine thinks this is unprofessional, and asks “who would you rather see in wet clothes—girls, or fat boys?” Well, we know what Ashley’s answer will be.

Commercial!

Fake Back! Mike I makes up a lot of names for people, which is appropriate, because I’ll be making up some names for him this season. Names like Pisswizzard. He calls Eli and Kevin the pickle brothers, Eve is the Ninja, Jesse is pancakes, and Preeti is Purty because he can’t pronounce her confusing non-European name. He says people get tired of him real quickly. Yep! It took me about 16 seconds.

Back! Judge’s table! Padma calls in Bryan, Hector, Eli, and Mike V. They’re the top performers on the winning team. Eli’s tartare matched the shot really well. Mike V’s sorbet was great from concept to execution. Hector’s could change Todd’s mind about tofu. They love Bryan’s macaroon.

Todd English says that the winner was a tough choice, and between the two Voltaggios, but the winner. . . is Bryan. Yay! It’s nice that they’re sharing things around. Mike is happy to see him win, but says he’ll win next time. Once again, the winner of the elimination doesn’t seem to get any prizes. This is kind of bullshit. They’re giving the quickfire winners immunity AND $15K, and the elimination winners nothing.

Eli tells Eve, Jesse, Preeti and Ashley to go back. Oy. Padma tells them that they had the least favorite dishes.


Jesse’s dish was really watery, and she should’ve used actual ginger rather than the ginger beer from the cocktail. Gail says the flavors were a little muddled. Jesse doesn’t think she put her best foot forward.

Eve’s ceviche was unbalanced, and the shrimp had no flavor. She just seems dumb as rocks in her responses, and Todd English criticizes her ability to adjust. Preeti thought hers was a crowd pleaser, but Tom says her tuna was overcured, and Gail says she should’ve taken the shiso leaf out together since they wilted so fast.

Padma asks why Ashley decided to do two dishes rather than one amazing dish. Todd English points out that her watermelon dish was an amazing dish, and then they all rip apart the panna cotta, which seems to have failed on every level—flavor, texture, wrinkling on the top . . . frankly, I'm amazed that she didn't use her awesome lesbionic powers of offendedness as an excuse for her performance.

Deliberation. Ashley’s watermelon was good enough to excuse the panna cotta. Jesse’s dish was messy and watery, but she knows what her mistakes were. Gail wonders how long they can use that as grounds to let her stay. Tom thinks Eve doesn’t even understand what she’s trying to accomplish. Preeti’s dish fell flat entirely, and worse--she thought the dish was good. Commercial.

Back! Tom reviews what the challenge was, and reminds them that their dishes were their least favorites, in case they hadn’t sorted that out yet. Then he recaps their critiques of the dishes. Padma tells Eve to pack her knives and go.

Eve gives the same dumb smile she’s had on her face for two episodes, and chirps “thank you.” She thinks her combinations are more unusual and might not have made sense to the judges. She wants to go back to being herself. Good, because whoever she was here was a failure.

Next time: Oh, crap, the DVR cut off my previews. Let’s assume it will involve food and drama. Whee!