Top Chef: Vegas, Baby. Vegas.

Hey, tattooed lady—
Superstition ain’t the way
Neither is your food.

(If you're one of the six people who was more excited about Top Chef: Masters, you can check it out here)

I don’t want to get too bitchy on the first night, because you know and I know by now that it’s hard to tell anything substantive from the first episode. I mean, for chrissakes, there are seventeen chefs. I can’t even keep everyone’s names strait for the first three or four episodes.

I will say I’m disappointed that there was only one elimination tonight—one of the things they got right with the mega band of cheftestants they started out with last year was that they axed two of them right of the back. I was hoping for about six eliminations in this one. Roll the dice? You’re out! Pull the wrong chip? You’re out! Lose the quickfire? You’re out!

There had better be one big ass mass execution somewhere later down the line, that’s all I can say.

So we begin our two day recapaganza. Top Chef is Back! Padma does the normal introductory stuff while telling us we’re in Vegas, and that this is the most talented group yet, with some Beard nominees, highly skilled executive chefs, and those who’ve trained with the best. There’s also a woman with 2 kinds of lymphoma, a guy who says it’s tough to be gay in the kitchen, and. . . brothers! Hot brothers. Om nom nom nom nom.

Because we’re in Vegas, luck will play a bigger role than ever, and only one will prove him/herself a culinary high roller. Already with the puns. This is going to be endless, isn't it?

Vegas! The strip! The airport! The airport slots! The Cheftestants start appearing and we get some introductions while they start settling in.

Kevin: executive chef owner of Woodfire grill in Atlanta. Has a giant beard; is a Beard nominee.
Preeti: the token female fauxhawk for the year.
Ron Duprat: Haitian big guy. I will make a Papa Doc joke the second the opportunity comes up.
Eve: only chef from Michigan.

They show them all rolling up to the chef house. Damn, their house is SICK. This puts all the chefpartments of previous seasons to shame.

More chefs!

Mattin: from France, lives in San Francsico.
Eli: works at Eno in Atlanta. Says he makes “fat kid food.” I kind of love him as a friend.
Ash: only New York chef; only one with a “same sex boyfriend.” Seriously? The only one?
Jesse: not formally trained; thinks kids from culinary school don’t know what they’re doing and have delusions of grandeur.
Jennifer Z: heavily tattooed; won’t unpack because she thinks it’s bad luck. Foreshadowing! Has a 3 year old son.
Jennifer C: Works at 10 Arts by Eric Ripert. Makes boys cry.
Bryan: Nom. From Frederick, MD.
Michael V: Bryan’s brother. Also Nom. Bryan's a little more Nom, because Michael has a slightly sleezy look about him. But I still wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Became a chef because Bryan was doing it. This is the first time they’ve lived together in 12 years. Michael ays Bryan’s more conservative.
Mike I: big guy, tattoos.
Ashley: excited to be in Vegas.

They grab their coats and head out to their first competition. I wish I knew what prompted this—like did they receive a Tyra Mail or something? There’s no segue.

Anyway, they get where they’re going. John Lipowitz of M welcomes them, and sends them to the kitchen. Kevin raves about the (Macy’s provided) equipment and says “if you can’t make good food out of the equipment in that kitchen, you’ve got no business calling yourself a chef. “ This is so clearly a response to the GE criticism that’s gone on the last few years, I don’t even know what to say.

Tom and Padma await them. We get a the last two chefintros.

Laurine: was 23 when she started her catering business
Hector: Thinks Padma is more beautiful in person . Reminds me of Andre the Giant's character in The Princess Bride.

Padma welcomes them to Vegas and their kitchen at the M resort. Tom says it’s a city of extremes and excess. And it’s already time for the first Quckfire!

The Quickfire is the mise en place relay. Already? Padma warns them to expect twists like no other season. And. . .some showgirls enter. Yes, that is an unexpected twist, in that it has nothing to do with cooking. The use of showgirls in the season premiere may mark the exact moment at which Top Chef jumped the shark.

They draw colored poker chips to determine their colors. Robin draws the only gold chip, which means she doesn’t have to compete in the relay and gets immunity in the first elimination. DAMN. Nicely done.

The mise is 4 rounds: shuck 15 clams; peel 30 prawns; clean 5 lobsters; and butcher 2 chops from prime rib. The first team to finish all four rounds wins. They have 2 minutes to split up the legs. Preeti somehow gets stuck with clams for her team, despite never having shucked a clam before. She says “it’s only 15.” Jesus. Only 15? Oy.

The clam leg starts. I don’t know any of their names yet, so it’s going to be impossible to track who does what. Anyway, Preeti’s team quickly realizes that they’ve made a huuuuuge mistake in allowing her to shuck. The Blue and Black teams are pretty much tied, and the guy shucking for Black says that Jennifer from Blue shouldn’t be keeping up w/ him because “a girl shouldn’t be at the same level as I am.”

Um, she worked for Eric Ripert, you stupid assfuck. I don’t know your name, and I hate you already. Black finishes a half second or so before blue. And approximately a year before green, and six years before red.

Prawns are next, and black and blue are again neck and neck. Red and green are still on their clams. Oh, green finally finishes while Black and Blue are on their lobsters.

Mattin is a lobster KING on the blue team, while Ashley for black is struggling. Blue finishes first and moves on to the chops. Brian starts and the Hector from the Black team is about a chop behind him. Green is finishing up their prawns. Red. . .is still on clams. Wah-wah.

And the blue team wins. Yay! Sexist douche says this isn’t how he wanted to start.

But now. . . the blue team has to do a cook off. Oh my god. The quickfire is for high stakes—the winner gets a $15,000 chip from the M resort.

Again, that’s nice and all, but.. . why? What happened to my show? We are 15 minutes in, and I already feel like this season has gone a bit off the rails. Commercial.

Back. Tom gives Robin the choice to give up immunity to compete for 15K. Wisely, she passes. Sexist guy (Mike I) says this shows she’s not confident in her skillz and this is “one less old lady I have to worry about”.

Ugh, he’s awful. He’s like Spike, but without the jaunty hats. Guess who I’m going to hate this season, children! Guess! CAN YOU GUESS??????? CAN YOU??????

To win, the blue team must complete a dish in 30 minutes featuring the dish they worked with in their leg of the race. Jesse has a brain fart and can’t remember anything she’s ever done with prawns in her life.

Food Flurry. There’s some talk about what they’re doing, and Mike V. tells us that he wants to see his brother do well because “unless I’m competing against him, I’m his biggest fan.” It’s so sweet. And so hot. It’s like the Sweet and Spicy Chicken of sibling relationships.

Time! Jennifer’s dish is a Clam Ceviche with Citron Vinegar. Mattin has made Lobster with Bay Leaves and Star Anise. Jesse’s dish is Shrimp and Grits with Polenta, and Bryan’s is a Crusted Rib Eye with Caramelized Celery.

Tom says the two that could’ve been better were Bryan’s and Mattin’s. Jen’s flavors were clean, and Jesse developed a tremendous mouthful of flavor. Jen wins. Yay! I’m already her fan because she worked with my baby Ripert, and because Mike I hates her for being a girl. She gets the $15K chip. Suck that, Sexist dude.

Elimination! In the spirit of Sin City, they’re going to cook a dish that represents a vice they’re guilty of. They’re cooking against their quickfire teammates. One chef from each team will be up for the win; one will be up for elimination. Robin pairs herself with the blue team, since she wants to be with winners. Their guest judge is Wolfgang Puck. Awesome--I'm so sweet on Wolfgang Puck right now, both because he's freaking adorable in this episode, and because Source is definitely in the top 3 meals I've eaten this calendar year.

They each have $150 and 30 minutes to shop and tomorrow they’ll have 2 hours to cook at Cut. Commercial!

Back! The chefs are hanging around their back yard. Oh, the little fake scene. Everyone wants bearded Kevin to go down the water slide. He does. Woo. More commercials.

Isn’t odd how all of Tom Colicchio’s commercials seem the same, no matter what he’s shilling? Diet Coke; American Express. . . it’s all just him talking and being kind of a prick.

Back! They head to Whole Foods and tear about madly. Kevin accuses Eli of scallop hoarding. Bryan reminds us that in 3/5 seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge won Top Chef. Haitian guy talks about his harrowing journey to the U.S. Oooh, too much life story too soon. He might go. Jennifer Z is making chile relleno to represent her hot temper.

Back at the Palazzo, they file into Wolfgang Puck’s Cut. I don’t think there WAS a Palazzo the last time I was in Vegas. Conclusion: I need to go to Vegas.

Food Furry. Kevin is making a procrastination dish. Preeti’s dish involves a Maker’s Mark Manhattan scented sweet potato puree. I don’t know what the fuck vice that represents, but bless me, Father, for I have sinned: I am guilty of it. Guilty, guilty, guilty. And now I’m twice guilty of it, because I don’t repent, and so I’ve compounded my sin with hypocrisy.

Michael is doing a “Rack” with juicy coconuts. There’s a sexual connotation. Oh yeah there is. Laurine is making bacon donuts with beer and chocolate sauce. Oh, NOM NOM NOM. Jen’s vice is drinking, so she’s making a lobster stock with “all of the alcohol infused into it.” All of the alcohol? Wow. Jesse’s vices are alcohol and excess, so she’s making “tipsy chicken.” Hector says he cooks with “cojones.” He is not, however, actually cooking cojones. I find this disappointing. He fries a rib eye. Huh.

24 minutes! Kevin turns an oven way down, and realizes he’s procrastinated too much. Eve’s vice is wishing she was more easy going and simple. She then describes a dish with 7 million components and overcooked seafood. Jennifer Z’s breading is coming off, and she’s disappointed with the way her plate looks. Time! Robin didn’t get her gastrique on the plate. Commercial!

Back! The Black Team enters, and Padma introduces the judges—Gail, Tom, and Wolfgang Puck.

Let me just prepare you for something: because this is a challenge about vices, and because many of their vices seem to include booze--especially bourbon--and/or pork, you will hear heavy OM NOM NOM-ing from me during this recap. It's not always in line with what the judges think is best, and I think that underlines the eternal flaw of Top Chef--we only know what dishes sound good; we have no way of being sure they actually taste good.

Mike Isabella presents first. His vice is having a hot temper and a foul mouth, and he represents that with Olive Oil Poached Halibut (to represent a bar of soap to wash his mouth out) and an Eggplant Puree.

Eli’s vices are arrogance, drinking, and bitterness. He represents this with Buttered Scotch with Scallops, Cashews, and Beer Powder.

Ashley’s vices are red wine and bourbon. Mine too, mine too!! She represents this with Chicken Liver Ravioli with Red Wine Demi-Glace. She also tells us that “the ravioli has chicken thighs in there, which . . .could be another vice.” Um, how? Does the drink make her spread her thighs? Does the drink go to her thighs? I’m intrigued. . .

Hector’s vice is smoking cigars, which he represents with a Smoked Rib-Eye with Carrot Puree and a Ceviche of Celery.

The judges dig in. Wolfgang thought some dishes, like the scallops, showed promise, but thought more was more. Tom wants to know why Hector deep fried the steak. Wolfgang says if one of his chefs threw a steak in the fryer “I would srow heem with ze steak in ze fwyer.” Gail thinks Mike showed experience; Wolfgang liked the eggplant. No mention of Ashley. We're back at that point in the season where we won't be hearing about every dish, I guess.

Next, the blue group serves.

Bryan’s vice is bourbon and cigars. His dish is New York Strip with Pasnip Puree and Bourbon Reduction Caramel. Nom

Mattin’s vice is that as a Taurus, he’s stubborn. His dish is Buffalo Rib Eye with Madeira Sauce, Zucchini and Mashed Potato. Nom.

Jen’s vice is also booze. I see a theme here. Her dish is Poached Halibut with Whiskey, Bourbon, Scotch and Black Peppercorn Sauce. I'd nom that, just for the Helluvit. Get it? Get it??? Halibut/Helluvit? I guess that only works out loud. Hm.

Jesse’s vices are whiskey and excess. Mine too, mine too!!! To represent this, she’s made Roasted Chicken with Whiskey Reduction, Yukon Potatoes and Fried Egg. NOM.

Finally, Robin is a bad Jew, so pork is her vice. Pork is NOT a vice; it's a virtue. She’s made Pork Tenderloin Stuffed with Chorizo and Bread Pudding (there should’ve been bacon red eye gastrique). Even without the gastrique: NOM.

The judges continue their orgy of consumption. Gail thinks everything on Bryan’s dish is well executed. Wolfgang laments the preponderance of purees, saying “everyone theenks like wee need da steak and den we need some bebe food with it.”

Gail thinks the halibut is beautiful; and Wolfgang says you won’t get a better Halibut in Vegas. Gail thought the chicken looked great, but the flavor fell short and the breast was overcooked. Martin’s buffalo was cooked perfectly, but the zucchini made no sense.

Next group!

Ash’s vice is procrastination, and he’s made Poached Halibut with Ratatouille and Parsely Coulis. Only half the plates are sauced because he procrastinated. Wah-wah.

Jen Z is hot tempered, and she represents this with a Chile Relleno Stuffed with Seitan and Tomatillo Salsa.

Ron’s vice is the 27 days he spent on the boat coming from Haiti. I think Ron doesn’t understand what a “vice” is. His dish is Jerk Bass with Collard Greens and Haitian Fish.
Laurine’s vices are bacon, donuts, chocolate, and beer. She’s interpreted this very literally with Bacon Donuts with Chocolate and Beer Sauce. Oh, that has the potential for epic levels of NOM NOM NOM.

The judges think Ron’s fish was nicely cooked, but there was too much going on. Tom agrees that it’s not a vice. Jen’s relleno was not good. Wolfgang tells us “you cook dat at home, dis pipple will never come an’ visit you again.” Laurine’s sauce was beautiful, but her donuts were “like a golfball” according to Puck.

Finally, the hapless red team.

Mike V explains that he’s representing the plastic surgery of Vegas with his Rack of Lamb with Coconut Sauce and Gnocchi

Preeti the un-shucker’s vice is that she loves a Manhattan. Aha, I DO have that vice! Her dish is Pork Tenderloin with Bourbon Sweet Potato Glaze.

I could so go either way with Preeti. On the one hand, there’s the clam situation. On the other, her dish seems to have been conjured straight out of my dreams.

Eve wishes she was less complicated, so she’s made Shrimp and Scallops in a Curry Cream Sauce.

Kevin’s vice is procrastination. He has made Arctic Char with Turnip Salsa Verde.

Wolfgang compares something to looking like chicken testicles. I wish I knew what he was talking about. I’m going to pretend it’s the scallops. Padma loves Kevin’s story, and Tom loves the dish. Wolfgang thinks Eve’s dish is “ok,” and Gail says it’s not balanced. Tom thinks Mike is clever, and Puck thought the lamb was well cooked. Commercial!

Back! Oh, stew room. How I’ve missed you. Eli feels shaky. Mike I hates the waiting period.

Padma arrives and calls in: Ron, Mike I, Kevin, and blonde Jennifer. Ash points out the obvious: those are the winners. It’s nice to see someone finally calling this since they’ve only been using the exact same sequence of events every episode for the last five seasons.

Judges Table. Padma congratulates them. Gail tells Mike his dish was super focused. Wolfgang says you couldn’t get better fish than Jen’s anywhere, but says “I don’no why you gotta dreenk scotch, bourbon, an’ cognac at da same time! Dreenk a glass of white wine nex’ time!” Oh my god, I love him so much.

Gail liked the island flavors of Ron’s dish, but Tom brings up the vice problem again. Puck thinks Kevin’s dish was beautifully executed. And the winner is. . . .Kevin! Huh. That’s kind of a shock—I thought Jen had it in the bag.

Padma tells them to call in some of their colleagues. Wait, doesn’t Kevin win anything? Immunity for next time? A can of Wolfgang Puck’s soup? Anything?

Guess not. They return to the stew room and Ron calls back Hector, Jen Z., Jesse, and Eve. What's with Ron doing the call back? The winner's supposed to do the call back. These season 6 chefs can't do anything right. . .

Padma says they had the least favorite dishes. Hector’s didn’t have enough smoked flavor, and the idea of deep frying a steak doesn’t work well. Eve’s scallops were underseasoned, and her sauce had no flavor or complexity. There’s some back and forth between Gail and Eve about the meaning of the dish, and then Tom cuts in with the fact that the scallops weren’t seared properly and the sauce was weak.

Oh, Colicchio. I love it when you get right down to business.

Gail found Jennifer Z’s dish clunky, and didn’t taste heat. Tom thinks she didn’t know what she was trying to accomplish. She defends the choice of Seitan as wanting to stand out from the talented group.

Jesse’s idea was great, but her breast was dried out. She explains that she pulled it early to let the braise go longer. Puck was excited “when I sought about your deesh, but I sought zee execution. . .not really.”

They’re dismissed and head back to the stew room, where Jen Z fake collapses.

Gail is happy that most of them knew why they were there. Jesse knew the exact mistakes she made and could articulate them. Hector had imagination, but bad execution. Jen’s pepper wasn’t seasoned or cooked right. Padma “like a vegan bar midnight special.” Eve’s dish turned Gail off, and Puck rants about how bad it is for a solid minute. Commercial!

Back! Tom says that their vices got them in a little bit of trouble. Hector’s smokey flavor didn’t come through; Eve confused them; Jennifer’s dish wasn’t good; Jesse’s vice was excess and she overcooked her chicken.

Padma tells Jennifer. . . to please pack your knives and go. Oh, that whole superstition thing reared up and bit her in her tattooed ass, didn’t it? She’s disappointed that she didn’t get a chance to show her son what she could do.

This season! Vegas! Craps! Pressure! Pools! Planes! Living Hell! Penn and Teller! Keller! A lot of bleeping! Fucking martyrs! Cancer!