Project Runway: at least I don't have to type that stupid name ever again.

Qristyl with a Q
No chance to show plus sexy
Too much minus style.

So before we get into this, let me just say that I am not feeling well, and am writing this in bed where I have been drifting in and out of consciousness all morning. So if there are long stretches of zzzzzzzzkiddddddddkffffffffffffffffffffssssssssssssssssssssssssssss that I forget to edit, I’m sorry. It’s just that I blacked out and my head hit the keyboard.

Second, I am now ready to make a pronouncement: this season blows. The designers are one giant soufflé of bland. Some of them showed sparks of superficial TV “personality” in the first episode (I'm an addict! I'm from Minnesota!), but that’s largely been erased since.

Further, the challenges are a joke. I can’t think of any batch of designers who’s had a less rigorous, less structured start to their season. Their challenges so far have had next to nothing in the way of parameters. Make a look for “any red carpet event.” Make a maternity outfit for “any occasion.” Make an “eye catching” look for an undefined “industry event” for models.

The only challenge that had any sort of rules was last week, when they were told to make one “beachy” look and one “avant-garde” look, and they produced a mess of crap that was neither beachy nor avant-garde.

They had better be making couture out of shoe boxes or something next week, or I’m done.

AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE KORS AND NINA?????? Kors has been gone now for 3 out of the 4 episodes, and is now being subbed for by some blonde douche who looks like the figure skating love child of Sigfried and Roy. And in this episode, Nina was replaced by a younger editrix.

It’s baffling—they are a HUGE part of the draw of this show, and to have one of them gone constantly and both of them gone in the same week is extremely damaging to the appeal of the production and the caliber of the judging. The top grouping last night would NOT have been the top grouping if those two had been around. As it was, it was all Heidi’s show, and so cheap looking trash got rewarded.

Not that there were a whole lot of other options on that runway. It was like a convention at Whores R Us up there.

The only positive thing I can say about last night’s episode is that it did the near impossible: it made me glad I’d spent 50 minutes this weekend watching the first 3 episodes of Models of the Runway. Because as indescribably boring as this episode was, I can only imagine that it would’ve been a million times worse if you didn’t know anything about the models. Like if you don’t know that Fatma be crazy or that Koji spends every episode talking about how maybe she should give up modeling and just go be a mom to her daughter since that’s what nature made her for (KILL. ME.), it’s just a bunch of girls you don’t recognize jabbering about what they want for a pretend event.

With all that said, and with the added caveat that my notes are sparser than usual because the group I watched it with was a) larger than usual; b) louder than usual; and c) more interested in trying on my spare hair than paying attention to the show (and who can blame them), let’s get . . . .

. .zkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkddddddddddddddddddddddddddwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwg

. . . .. . .on with it.

Morning. Los Angeles. In the guys apartment, Nicolas and the other boys chat about the previous challenge and not wanting more of them to leave. Epperson says working with Qristyl with a Q was hard.

In the girls apartment, Qristyl says that her problem was not standing up for herself. Also, you know, being a sulky bitch who didn’t really contribute any ideas didn’t so much help either.
Anyway, they head out to the runway, where Heidi greets them. Then there are awkward jump cuts to disguise the fact that they use half the footage from the runway gathering in Project Runway and the other (more interesting) half in Models of the Runway. Heidi tells them about their next challenge, saying that Tim is waiting for them in the workroom, with 13 women who know what they want. Heidi says that the designers’ job is to “make them very, very happy. Eez seemple, no?”

Nicolas interviews that “13 women” could mean anything, and speculates that their clients might be homeless or Eskimos. Oh, Feather Prince. We could only hope. The homeless Eskimo challenge would be way more interesting than any of the bullshit challenge-lites Lifetime has decided to test your band of losers with.

So they go to the workroom, where Tim is waiting for them with their models. These are the 13 women. Wah-wah. And yes, this has been done before, and yes, it has been done better. Season One. Episode 5. Model Clients. The designers had to design their model’s dream wedding dresses. Obviously Lifetime is hoping that we’ve watched so much TV in the ensuing years that we won’t remember seeing this exact same scenario played out, but a) in a challenge with actual restrictions; b) by designers with actual talent; and c) involving actual interpersonal drama and not just tapioca “we have different ideas, sad trombone” moping that never results in confrontation.

So Tim exercises his brilliant gift of overstating the obvious by telling them that the models are their clients, and they have to dress them for an “industry event.” They’ll have thirty minutes to caucus with their models/clients, then $100 to shop at Mood. It’s also their first one day challenge—they’ll only have until midnight to work.

Caucus time. Johnny is thrilled to work for his model, Emarie, because they have the same aesthetic and designing for her will be like “designing for myself. If myself was a black girl.” Epperson’s model has a lot of ideas, which, delightfully, involve the phrase “punk tiger” being repeated several times in the episode.

Irinia has a hard time getting feedback from her model, but does manage to get her to squeak out “yes, I love my back!” Louise and crazy Fatma disagree about color scheme. And Shirin’s model wants to stand out, but Shirin is worried that a “royal blue and gold jumpsuit” will look too costumey.

Shirin once again proves herself a girl of great senseslkdfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

Sorry. Passed out from Nyquil. And boredom.

Mood! They have 30 minutes and $100. Althea buys some black suiting. Epperson switches from the orange his model wanted to some brown business. Because orange and brown are close on the color spectrum, at all. Thank you, Mood.

Back in the workroom. They have 13 hours. There’s a lengthy fashion montage with a funky backbeat. Best thing about this episode: the background music during this scene. Louise and Johnny discuss how someone else will be going home. . . .

. . .which brings us to another problem with the new Project Runway: Lifetime. I kind of like the fact that they’re focusing more on the production of fashion and less on the interpersonal stuff, but they’ve taken that to a level where the only conversations we ever see the designers having are about the conceit of the show. EG, some version of this appears in every episode:

Designer A: Isn’t it weird that someone else will be going home at the end of this challenge?
Designer B: Yeah, I am not ready for someone else to go home.
Designer A: It seems like people are going home so fast!

And it just sucks the life out of me.

Eleven hours. Nicolas is nervous about time. Commercial.

Back. Still in the workroom. Time for the Tim-Thru. He visits Althea first, and she explains that her look involves a “man’s cigarette jacket.” Tim replies “what’s a cigarette jacket? A smoking jacket?” hee.

Floating over to Christopher’s station, we see that he is making some sort of a lime nightmare. Tim tells him it’s a bold color, and Christopher is worried about his model looking like a salad.

This, as you will see, is an unfounded fear: his model ultimately ends up looking more like a lettuce wrap.

Tim continues his progress around the room, and hears about Epperson’s attempts to make a “flowy strong punk cocktail tiger” dress for his model. He tells Qristyl with a Q that he’s concerned that her dress looks “messy, like she’s been rolling around in bed.

Logan tells Tim he doesn’t want his dress to look like a “Smurf prom dress.” Tim tells him not to say the word “smurf” because he’ll put it in people’s heads. Then he tells Carol Hannah that the top of her dress may be robbing her model of youth.

Epperson talks about his family, calls them on the phone, and cries. He’s either going home or winning.

More Fashion Flurry. The models enter. There seems to be a little tension between Johnny and Emarie, but Althea’s model says her look is more amazing than she imagined. Althea’s model has a very limited imagination.

Commercial.

Back. Day of runway. We get a nice shirtless Logan shot before we cut over to the girl’s apartment and nearly get a not-nice shot of Qristyl’s vadge because her skirt is SO far from passing the bend over test, and that’s exactly what she’s doing.

Workroom. Fashion Frenzy. Johnny wanders around wearing boning on his head and acting the fool.

Then my notes say “Logan hopes.” They don’t say what he hopes for. I can only assume that this is either where I got distracted by the spare hair antics, or where someone spilled a vodka drink on the sofa and we had to pause to get the mess cleaned up.

Tim sends the models in with instructions to give them 2 hours to go through product placement hell. Althea’s model Tanisha is impressed with the look, but Irina is not—she says it would’ve looked better stapled. HAH. True, also. Nicolas thinks Epperson and Johnny’s looks will be on the bottom. He’s half right. . . .

Ten minutes. Insane fashion flurry. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi comes out and gives the designers her “hallo!” and then proceeds to remind them about what their easy ass challenge was.

Then she introduces their judges.

Instead of Top American Designer Michael Kors, we have ”Designer”/Sigfried & Roy offspring/figure skater/plastic surgery victim. . . .Marc Bouwer.

Instead of Editor at Large for Marie Claire magazine Nina Garcia, we have “Editor” at Marie Claire/ basic cable fashion reality show also ran . . . Zoe Glassner. AKA NotNina.

And instead of an actual celebrity or designer or fashion icon or Michael Kors’ mother, we have “Costume Designer/Stylist”. . . Jennifer Rade.

To recap my feelings on this: fuck you, Lifetime.

Ok, fashion time. Let’s get this over with.

Qristyl with a Q has made a boring cocktail dress with an asymmetrical neckline. The hem is a screwjiggedy mess. Nicolas has made a white dress with silver trim. It’s spacey, like a cocktail dress from Star Trek, and I kind of like it.

Irina has made a cute patterned dress with a 40’s inspired peplum jacket. It’s cute and classy. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we get Gordanna’s, which is a skin tight, short, shiny, nude number with a woven detail going down the front all the way to the crotch (which is pretty much where the hem is). It is the cheapest, whoriest looking thing I’ve ever seen. And I grew up in Arizona. In the 80’s and 90’s. I know cheap and whorey when I see them.

Shirin's is a cute but boring purple dress with an interesting back. Logan’s is a punk prom debacle. Christopher’s is the aforementioned lettuce wrap dress, but it’s less awful than I expected it to be.

Epperson’s translation of “flowy strong punk cocktail tiger” has somehow resulted in a detailed brown whore dress. But it’s cute, for a whore dress.

Johnny has made a boring purple thing. Althea has designed a business suit for a hooker to wear to a job interview. The interview, in this case, is for a position as a slightly less classy hooker.

Louise has made a black dress with giant ruffles that look like they’re going to eat her model’s head. Considering what Models of the Runway has taught me about the contents of Fatma’s head (crazy), this might not be the worst idea.

Similarly, Ra’Mon’s teal dress includes a giant teal shoulder flower. It’s very Carrie Bradshaw circa 2003.

Finally, we have Carol Hannah’s, which is black and purple and kind of bland, but well constructed.

Heidi calls Louise, Irina, Christopher, Nicolas, Gordanna, Shirin, and Ra’Mon. They are safe.

Question time. They start with Carol Hannah, who says her model Lisa was amazing to work with. Sigfried & Roy Jr. says it’s beautifully executed. NotNina thinks it’s soft but not stuffy. The third judge of no consequence thinks it’s a good mix of soft and hard.

Carol Hannah then says “thanks, y’all!” and Heidi reacts to this with a shocked “did you just say YAWL?”

Bitch, PLEASE. Tell me you did NOT just mock someone else’s accent, Heidi Klum? You can’t even pronounce “out” normally.

Moving on to Logan, NotNina wrote “no, cheap, tacky, prom” as her notes.

That’s really all we need to say there.

Epperson’s model explains what she asked for, including “something animal inspired.” Heidi then asks “do you feel like you have ze kitty cat inside of you?” Um. . . .

Sigfried & Roy Jr. loves Epperson’s dress, and says he’s a craftsman. Heidi thinks it’s sexy, but she has a problem with the boobs. I’m not sure from what she says if her problem is with the lack of support for the boobs, or with the model’s lack of boobs.

I guess I couldn’t tell BECAUSE OF HER STUPID ACCENT. Did you just say you worked for VICTORYA’S SEECRID, Heidi?

(See? Doesn’t feel so good, now, does it?)

The stylist wrote that the purse with Johnny’s dress was the most interesting thing about the outfit, and doesn’t think the world needs more of that dress. Heidi says it reminds her of a bridesmaid.

Moving to Qristyl with a Q, she explains that Valerie wanted to look chic. Heidi complains that “you’ve aged her 10 to 15 years, which in model world is like dog years.” The stylist says it’s too safe and there’s no pay off.

Valerie, who’s been offed once already and brought back to replace a model who got other work, then tries to defend her current designer by saying softly that she likes it. The stylist replies “that’s why Valerie’s not a designer. And thank god.”

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.

Finally, with Althea’s, Heidi somehow thinks it’s chic. Yeah, for a whore, maybe. The stylist would buy it right off of her for a client. Apparently, many of her clients are whores.

Let me just reiterate: if Michael and Nina were there, this look and Epperson’s would NOT be in the top group. They might make the middle. They might end up on the bottom where they’d be eviscerated for being short, tight, and cheap looking, and, in Althea’s case, for having sloppy execution and no bra under the tank top.

So again: fuck you, Lifetime.

Heidi sends the designers off and they deliberate. Qristyl made her model look like a waitress. Logan could’ve done more with his model’s ideas, and Johnny’s is too accessible.

Over in bizarro world, they love Althea’s, think Carol Hannah’s is classy and well executed, and thinks Epperson showed some edge. Commercial.

Back. Heidi does her usual heavily accented spiel. Epperson is in. Althea is, bafflingly, the winner. Carol Hannah is in.

That leaves the bottom group. Johnny the addict is in, and immediately all the gays and I scream “Noooooo” because as bland like banana pudding though Logan might be, he’s pretty.

So Qristyl’s dress was boring and cheap and she didn’t take any chances. But Logan’s model stands out for the wrong reasons.

Whatever. Logan and his baffling fashion choices are in. Qristyl and her insane spelling choices are out. I need to take another nap and maybe eat some chicken soup.

Next time: The answers are in black and white! And ikddddddddddddddddddddddfffffffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfjkjhjljuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.