Project Runway: Let's go to the movies.

Ra’Mon, you are out.
Perhaps now you will go back
To medical school?

So I have to tell you, I’m floored. Not about Ra’Mon. I mean, Ra’Mon, you know, whatever. He had intricate braids and reminded me of Shemar Moore from Diary of a Mad Black Woman and because of that I hated him because that is maybe one of the top two worst movies I’ve ever seen. And he made a lizard dress, so . . .good call on that one Heidi.

No, pumpkins, what I’m floored by is that this show finally has me believing in conspiracy theories.

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories. I don’t believe in secret societies pulling the strings behind everything, or the hidden lineage of Jesus, or the grassy knoll.

And I particularly discount them on reality shows, because the “X wuz robbed!” “Producer shenanigans!” “The judges have it in for Y!” “Heidi hateth Alithun becauthe I. . . I mean, becauthe she’th tho beautiful” all tend to boil down to one thing: the conspiracy theorists in question are pissed because they didn’t get the outcome they wanted.

It’s been particularly easy for me to ignore all the “OMG ANTI-GORDANNA CONSPIRACY!!!1111eleventy!!” ranting that’s been going on on the interwebs because I don’t care for Gordanna’s aesthetic. In my eyes, her look tends to be very . . .Eastern European. Which is code for cheap, whorey looking, and kind of ‘90’s. Her stuff is well made, yes, but it’s not terribly original, and it's not something I go for.

But to be in the bottom? For that freaking gorgeous flapper dress? While they gave that cheap looking Snow Queen thing the win?

OMG ANTI-GORDANNA CONSPIRACY!!!1111eleventy!!

But more on that later.

And also, because it has to be said: where in the merciless bluedilly fuck are Kors and Nina? Heidi didn’t even introduce the other judges as “filling in for” this week. It’s like she’s gloating that her evil scheme is complete and her reign of terror and rewarding cheap, tacky shit can go on unabated.

Don’t get too comfortable, bitch. The Oompa Loompa is back next week!

Morning! Los Angeles! In the apartments, the boys reflect on how it’s weird waking up with two empty beds. It’s particularly weird when you realize that three dudes are gone, but whatever. I guess Malvin and Johnny were both in Ra’Mon’s suite, while Mitchell was in the Nicolas/Epperson suite.

In the girl’s room, Gordanna doesn’t even know what to think about the next challenge, because she was so shocked to have been in the bottom last week. A lot of other people were shocked by that too, actually.

The designers all head out to the runway, where Heidi greets them. After an abbreviated version of her usual spiel, cut down to be used in Models of the Runway, she tells them that it’s time to “see what this town is most known for: movie making.”

The designers are all excited. The feather prince tells us that he’s done LOTS of movie costumes. I hate him. He always looks so moist.

They head out to a movie studio, where Tim and Collier Strong meet them. Tim tells them that their challenge is to create a look inspired by a cinematic genre , and a character who lives in that world.

Gordanna and Nicolas both interview that they absolutely don’t want Western. I would LOVE IT if both of the Europeans got Western—it would be interesting to see what kind of saloon girl gear they could render out of spandex and lace.

Anyway, Collier Strong is there because this is the L’Oreal challenge, and Collier will help them bring the characters to life through L’Oreal makeup, and blah blah L’Oreal blah blah blah L’Oreal, blah L’Oreal L’Oreal L’Oreal.

Irina gets to choose her genre because she won the last challenge. She chooses film noir. The other designers get their names drawn from the bag; each genre can be selected by two people. Choosing first and second, Logan and Carol Hannah both take action/adventure. Ra’Mon takes sci-fi/fantasy. Louise and Althea both take Film Noir. Gordanna takes period piece. Nicolas takes sci-fi/fantasy. Chris takes the last period piece, and Epperson and Shirin are both stuck with Western. Sad trombone.

They all head back to the work room, where they get a dossier on their genre and some time to sketch. They’ll have 30 minutes and $150 at Mood, and will have until midnight to complete their designs.

Epperson struggles with the idea of Western, while Shirin goes the saloon girl route. Carol Hannah decides to make a sexy assassin costume. She and Logan confer about their action/adventure ideas. Logan interviews that Carol Hannah is the only girl in the cast he’s connected with, and she says he’s a lot of fun getting to know. Carol Hannah says that she finds having her table right next to Logan’s is distracting. Presumably because of his hotness. Is that love I smell in the air? I approve. They can have pretty, well dressed babies.

Moving around the room, Ra’Mon admits to being a die hard Trekkie, so he’s psyched about his costume. In the noir group, Louise is thinking 30’s/40’s, while Althea is thinking femme fatale. Irina just says that the last challenge reminded her of how good she is.

Chris and Gordanna both like the latitude of having “period piece,” because it can be ANY period. Roman. Victorian. Belle Epoch. Menstrual. Medieval.

Mood! They race around getting their fabric, and the only notes I manage to pull out of the mess is that Nicolas wants to be expressive and daring, and Christopher wants brocade, but can’t find any that’s not really expensive. Craziness! Running! Time! Thank you, Mood!

Back in the workroom (oh my god, when will there be a commercial?). Epperson talks about how he wanted period piece, but has realized that Western IS a period. He makes up a character who has to tough up and take care of the farm because her husband is off at war.

Nicolas has some complicated back story for his costume about his character being one of three queens who rules the universe, and they all live on Orion’s Belt (there’s a pause before he says Orion’s Belt during which one of the gays in the living room shouts out “Uranus!” which I really think would’ve been a more hilarious answer). Ra’Mon’s girl is going to be a human alien hybrid.

Then there’s some nonsense where people keep stealing Louise’s bobbins. Louise interviews that she’s not sure what her story is yet. This worries Nicolas. Commercial! Oh, thank god, finally.

Back! Workroom! 6.5 hours until the end of the day. Logan thinks it’ll come down to who interprets the challenge best, while Gordanna “just wants to send down the runway everything perfect.”

Tim thru! He starts with Gordanna, who is making a flapper dress for a woman from the 20’s who’s discovered oil and is coming out in society. Chris’s character is a vampire bride from Paris in the 1800’s. Tim likes it, but shakes his head at the idea of a halter top, reminding Chris that bare arms aren’t very Victorian.

Moving to Epperson, he says “all I can say is Annie, get your gun!” Now, that could easily be a good or a bad thing. Fortunately, Tim follows that up by telling Epperson he’s seduced by his ruffles (bom chicka wow-wow! Ruffle seduction!), so it’s clearly a good thing.

He goes over to Ra’Mon’s and tells him that it “could be sublime or could be a big hot mess.” He loves what Louise is capable of achieving with subtlety and nuance, but cautions her that that doesn’t always show well on the runway. Similarly, he tells Nicolas to exaggerate what he wants to do.

Leaving, he tells them that he’s “enthralled and inspired by what each of [them] is doing,” and adjures them to judge themselves harshly. He then sends the models in for fittings and L’Oreal consults.

Seeing his ugly green jumpsuit with the lizard skin codpiece on his model, Ra’mon begins to second guess himself. And quite wisely, might I add—I know his revised look got him sent home, but this would’ve gotten him sent home while the judges pointed at him and laughed and threw things and beat him with brooms. He decides the green bodysuit looks like “Kermit the Frog gone wrong,” and decides to start from scratch with two hours left.

And then Louise sews right through her fingernail. Well, that’s tetanus waiting to happen. Commercial!

Back! It’s morning again at the not-Atlas apartments where everyone prepares. Nicolas is panicked, and would trade his newborn for a glue gun. Does Nicolas even have a newborn? Because otherwise that’s just one big ole’ empty promise.

In the workroom, Ra’mon interviews that he changed his design so he could take his look to the next level. Logan also gives an interview, but I have no idea what he says because the gays sitting on either side of me are shouting “take your shirt off!!!!”

Ok, maybe I’m shouting it a little too.

Tim enters and gives his weekly product placement spiel. There’s the usual fashion flurry with Grodanna fine tuning a lot of accessories. Makeup! Ten minutes! Tim tells them to rally! Althea interviews that Ra’Mon is stressed and Irina is hurrying to get her dress together. And as time is called, we see Irina stitching the dress while it’s on her model. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi introduces the judges: designer John Varvatos; She-Who-is-Not-Nina Zoe Glassner; and costume designer Arianne Phillips, who did the costumes for Walk the Line.

Let’s start the show! And let me just say, I LOVE this show. There were very few actual clunkers, and most of the clothes were just straight up FUN. You should check them out.

Irina’s noir look is a sleek black dress with a white cape. It kind of recalls Kim Bassinger’s first look in L.A. Confidential, so it’s maybe more nouvelle-noir or noir pastiche than pure noir, but it’s nice. Carol Hannah’s “sexy assassin” struts out in a latex mini dress with a cape. Shirin’s outfit is a fierce saloon girl dress with purple ruffles, and her model sells the crap out of it.

Christopher’s strikes me as kind of a Les Miz chorus costume. A gorgeous one, but that’s the first thing that popped into my head. It’s not true period so much as it is evoking a period. Nicolas has made a dress for the White Witch in a high school production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Althea has made a black dress with a white blouse/capelet hybrid. It’s basic, but very much what you would wear to walk into Phillip Marlowe’s office. Ra’Mon has made a lizard dress. It’s. . .a lizard dress. That’s all you can say about it.

Louise has made a champagne colored flapper dress with black lace overlay. It’s beautiful, but it says “flapper,” and not “film noir.”

Epperson’s dress comes out and it is this amazing, huge, fierce, denim thing. Like Christopher’s, it evokes a period more than it is a period piece, but it’s stunning. Gordanna’s is that beautiful copper colored flapper dress, and her model has a good walk for the first time this season. Logan has made a really hot ripped pleatherette body suit.

They all gather on the runway. Heidi calls out Logan, Carol Hannah, Shirin, Irina, and Althea. They’re all safe.

Then the judges start with their critique, beginning with Gordanna. John Varvatos liked the detail in the work, and I prepare to write many nice things.

But then he turns on a dime and says it’s not a signature piece. What???? When did that become part of the challenge? They were told to make a costume for a character in a genre. They weren’t told to make it a “signature piece.”

This theme continues as Arianne Philips tells her that she questions the specialness of the dress, and Zoe Glassner says there’s no doubt of her skill as a dressmaker, but the dress is “nothing original.”

Gordanna looks crushed. It’s heart wrenching.

They move to Nicolas, who tells his story about the three queens and Uranus. Erm, I mean, Orion’s Belt. Varvatos loves the story and the way he got into the character. Ariane Philips agrees that he knew the character and really worked well with the makeup. And Zoe says that she wrote “clever, bold, and risky” in her notes.

We’re officially in bizarro world.

Louise explains that her girl is a starlet in the 40’s who’s dressed up as a flapper from the 20’s. Ooooooo-kay. Zoe Glassner says that that’s a complicated story, and her dress is a convoluted mess. She also calls it cheap, and compares it to a French maid outfit you’d buy in a plastic bag.

???????

I mean, I don’t think it works as film noir. I can see the lack of originality. But cheap?

Christopher explains his vampire bride story. Varvatos likes the way he thinks, and Zoe finds the dress really well done with an elegant neck. Heidi likes the way he made it modern, and Arianne Philips tells him it’s worthy of being photographed.

Ra’mon starts explaining his look with the phrase “well, her name is Lola,” and everyone I’m watching with sings “she was a showgirl.” And so we miss part of the explanation where she’s a human-lizard hybrid with an insatiable thirst for sex.

Zoe likes the story but hates the dress. Varvatos agrees that he missed the mark, and Heidi calls it a hot green mess. Finally, they’re talking sense.

Finally, Epperson explains his character. Arianne Philips tells him that its fabulous, creative, and has both bravado and contemporary value. Zoe loves the styling, and Varvatos tells Matar that “you can manage my farm any time.” Bom chicka wow-wow! Farm management! Sexy!

Deliberation. They start with Gordanna and reiterate that the dress was thoughtful, but not special. Varvatos says that the people who stood out in this challenge are dreamers, but Gordanna is not. Similarly, Philips says that Louise’s dress didn’t say anything. Ra’Mon’s dress was a shambles, but they saw ideas in it.

On the good side, they think Nicolas’s fabric looked cheap to the naked eye, but would photograph well.

?????????????

Heidi calls Epperson’s interesting and creative, and Varvatos praises Matar again. The costumer says that Chris’s was perfection from every angle. Commercial!

Back! Gordanna is in. Epperson is in. Nicolas is the winner. Everyone in the living room makes vomiting noises, because the little sweat ball will be immune next week, so we're stuck with him for at least two more episodes. Chris is in.

Heidi tells Ra’mon that he missed the mark, and that his dress was a home sewn mess with glimmers of creativity. Louise, on the other hand, was not costumey enough and the dress had no sense of character.

Ra’mon is . . . . out. Yay! Unlike Johnny, he gets a courteous send off and says he can leave with a genuine smile on his face.

Next week: colorful! Working in teams! Michael Kors is back! And one OR MORE of you. . .will be out! Oh, thank God. Let's start paring the ranks back a bit here so they can start screaming at each other, and I'll remember the names from week to week.