Top Chef, Vegas: Twofer.

Jesse, it seems like
This was long overdue, but
I still liked you, hun.

Adios, Hector
Your steak was a big ole mess
As were your sideburns.

So, kittens, we lost two this episode: Jesse from Baltimore and Hector from Puerto Rico. And in both cases, my primary feeling is one of good riddance. Jesse, despite seeming like a nice kid, didn’t exactly cover herself in glory during the competition. And Hector.. . I don’t know. Something about Hector made me uneasy. I think it was the sideburns, and the general feeling of physical massiveness.

And at least he’s a dude. If another chick had gone home, I would’ve thrown something.

But before we bid them adieu, can I just point out one detail from Jesse’s bio pic? Look at the legs on that girl! That is one mean pair of stems, lady! So what if you can’t cook a snail?

Anyway. Beyond the offings, this was one of the most adorable episodes ever. I credit that to the presence of many French chefs: they’re all so freaking cute! I just want to gather them all up in my arms like a box full of kittens and love the hell out of them.

But we’ll get to that later.

Morning! Top Chef: Vegas luxury Cheftestant Compound! Everyone’s drinking coffee. Mike the douche talks about how he feels like he shouldn’t have been in the bottom. Robin would like to see the women rock a little more. And they all head out . . . to Daniel Bouloud’s restaurant. . .

. . .where Daniel Bouloud awaits them! Tom says Bouloud needs no introduction, and then proceeds to introduce him at great length.

Tom then says that one of the French ingredients that’s failed to make its mark in America is the snai. So for their quickfire, they have to make a winning dish using escargot as the main protein. And it’s a high stakes quickfire. . . but instead of the winner getting $15K, the loser goes home.

Yay!

Yeah, that’s me, not them. I’m the only one saying yay. The chefs are all grumpy and moany. Jen is nervous as hell.

I should add here that Daniel Bouloud is one of the twinkliest little men I’ve ever seen. For some insane reason, he reminds me of the gatekeeper at the Emerald City. Except after he sees the ruby slippers and becomes nice.

See? You’re out of the woods! You’re out of the dark! You’re out of the night. . .
Ok, I’ll stop.

Food flurry. They have 45 minutes and full range over the kitchen and pantry. Ashley swears a lot in the kitchen and interviews in her Elvis Costello glasses that she’s never made snails before. Mike I has a background in Greek cooking, and snails are a delicacy in Crete. Hector says something heavily accented, and Robin and Ron have a fight over whose snails are whose.

Mattin feels good because he’s from France and “escargot are like my whole youth, you know?” 18 minutes. Jesse is trying to reach through a bog of self doubt. Two minutes!

Time! The chefs present in sets of three. First is Ron’s Escargot Provencal with Carmelized Shallots, Pernod, and Fresh Herb. Then we have Jen’s Escargot with Grilled Ramps, Brussels Sprouts, Chanterelle Mushrooms and Yuzu. Bouloud likes the yuzu in her dish. Jesse has made an "E.L.T." : Escargot, Mache, and Fried Tomato. Bouloud says it's “interesting.”

Next group is Laurine’s Sauteed Escargot, Lemon Risotto, Spinach, Parsley Pesto, Garlic Butter, Hector’s Carribean Escargot with Pickled Mushrooms, and Robin’s "Bagels and Lox." Poached Excargot, Marmalade, Gooseberries, and Rye Crostini.

In the third round, we have Mattin’s Fava Bean Crostini with Escargot, Sauteed in a Piment d'espelette and anise . . .

. . . ok, I will take a brief recapping pause to tell you that Bravo had that listed as “Faba Bean Crostini with Excargot.” Excargot? What the hell is excargot? Did Bravo axe Nene from Real Housewives Atlanta to do the captions this week? . . .

. . . and then there’s Ashley’s Escargot Mirepoix Soup and Salad, and Kevin’s Escargot Fricasse with Mushrooms, Brussels Sprouts and Candied Bacon Jam. I would now like to eat a peanut butter and Bacon Jam sammich. Bouloud asks if it’s his mom’s recipe.

Fourth, we have Bryan’s Escargot with Red Wine Risotto, Spinach Emulsion and Marcona Almond Froth, Mike V’s Escargot and Chantarelle Mushroom Bolognese, and Mike I’s Sauteed Escargot Over Potato Garlic Puree, Spring Onion and Ouzo Broth. Bouloud calls both Mikes’ “interesting.” He says that a LOT.

So we don’t see Ash’s, Ron’s, or Eli’s.

Bouloud’s favorites are Mike I’s, Kevin’s and Jen’s. And the winner is. . . .Kevin! Yay! I like him. He looks like he lives in a tree trunk. He gets immunity and another bonus he’ll find out about later.

In the bottom group, we have Jesse’s, Ashleys’ and Robin’s. One of them will be going home. . .but they get a second chance. They have 20 minutes to go back in the kitchen and make an amuse bouche from anything in the kitchen. As Tom puts it, it’s “one bite to save your life.”

Quick food flurry. Tom and Bouloud enter the kitchen. Robin’s dish is an Avocado Soup with Yuzu, Green Apple, Mustard Relish, and Crab, which is not so much an amuse as it is a soup course. Jesse’s is a Tuna Tartare with Sorrel and Gooseberries, Fried Quail Egg and Fried Bread. And Ashley has made a Foie Gras with Pineapple, Tarragon, and Ramps.

They go back to the dining room. Tom says the soup was delicious; Jesse’s needs more tartare; and Ashley’s foie should’ve been thicker and the pineapple more caramelized. He then says it’s difficult to send somebody home for one bite. . . .but one of them will be going home.

Ok, if it’s difficult to send them home for one bite, why in the blue dilly fuck couldn’t he have ranked them just on their crappy snail dishes? Jesus. Commercial.

Back! The chef who had the worst dish was. . . Jesse. Aw. She’s pissed, disappointed, and embarrassed. It’s a pity—didn’t she start off in the top of the first quickfire? And then she’s gone downhill. Ashley is shaken by being in the bottom again, and Jen reflects on the fact that it’s been all girls who’ve gone home.

Elimination challenge! Tom instructs them to draw knives, but Kevin won’t have to draw since he won the quickfire.

Anyway, they all draw knives, and they all have French proteins or sauces on them. They’ll be working in pairs to create a 6 course meal that pairs the proteins and the sauces. Mattin feels like this challenge was made for him. I see him going home.

They’ll be cooking for some of the best French chefs in the world: Hubert Keller, Jean Joho, Laurent Tourondel, and . . .Joel Robuchon. Well, fuck me. Mike V reflects that this could be the most important dish in his life.

They have two hours to cook in the kitchen and an hour at Robuchon’s restaurant. Because Kevin has immunity, he not only doesn’t have to compete. . .he gets to eat with them.

You lucky tree dwelling bastard.

The other chefs start pairing up. The two pairs that seem to get the most attention off the bat are Bryan and Mike I –we’ll call them Team Mixed Bag -- and Jen and Mike V, which is probably the most aesthetically pleasing team in the history of reality television, ever. They have rabbit as their protein, so we’ll call them Team Pretty Bunny. I believe Robin and Ron are also together—we’ll call them team catastrophe waiting to happen, or CWH for short.

Shopping! They have 30 minutes and $200. Laurine is with Eli, Hector is with Ash, Ashley is with Mattin. Mattin shoots down Ashley’s idea of using asparagus in the veloute. Robin and Ron seem to be buying garbanzo bean flour. Ron thinks Robin’s ideas don’t make sense.

Team Pretty Bunny and Team Mixed Bag have a little tussle in the aisle. It’s adorbs, except for the presence of Mike I. He does allow that their two teams are the “four top guys.” It’s nice that he’s giving Jen an honorary penis since she kicks his ass on a regular basis. I’m sure she appreciates it.

Kitchen! Two hours of prep. Ash starts a joke “so this Puerto Rican and this Gay Guy have to make dinner for Joel Robuchon. “ I kind of want to hear the punchline on that one.

Mike V butchers rabbits while Jen makes sauce. Mike I doesn’t want to do a traditional bernaise, and Bryan talks him through doing a deconstructed eggless version. It’s made clear during their conversation that this is something Bryan has done before.

On Team CWH, Ron laboriously breaks down frog legs. Robin chatters at 100 miles an hour. Ron takes the fifth on whether he and Robin make a good pair. Three and a half minutes! Things wrap up and they head out for the night. Commercial!

Fake back! Mattin’s birthday! He’s shirtless and eats cake while running around the pool in red boxer briefs. He’s 29. How sweet. Bon anniversaire, Mattin! If I didn’t think you were doomed before, I sure as hell do now.

Ok, I DO NOT NEED to be watching VA governor commercials during my Bravo time. Or ever, since I don’t live in Virginia.

Back! Morning! They all wake up in their luxurious chef compound. Ash is nervous. Kevin is excited and nervous. The rest of the chefs head out to the MGM Grand and Joel Robuchon.

One hour to prep. Eli is excited about seeing Robuchon in the flesh because he was “under the impression that he didn’t actually exist, and that he might be a unicorn.” Ok, I heart him too. He and Kevin can have mystical woodland adventures together.

Ron feels pressure because “as a Haitian, we go back a long way with the French. We usually don’t like them; they usually don’t like us.” This. . . is an understatement. Robin’s scatteredness is freaking him out.

Mike I starts second guessing doing the deconstructed bernaise. Twenty minutes! Eli and Laurine worry about overcooking the lobster. Mattin’s sauce boils over a little bit, and Ashley feels like throwing up at the prospect of cooking for Robuchon.

Mike and Jen work like a well oiled machine. A beautiful, well oiled machine. I kind of want them to hook up and have gorgeous blonde chef babies. It’ll be like a master race of chefs. OR they can come and live with me and cook all my meals and we can have threesomes.

There’s some drama with Hector and Ash, but I’m so focused on the prospect of blonde chef sex that it passes me by.

Kevin, the judges, and the chefs are seated. Hi, Hubert!

Five minutes to service. Robin’s greens are wilting. Eli sees their dish on the way out, “and they’re sitting on top of a beautiful wilted salad of dead greens, and overly caked frog legs, and it looks AWESOME.”

I love him. I want him to be my voice in the show for the rest of the season. My snarky surrogate. Or he can come and live with me and Mike V and Jen, and give running commentary on our threesomes. Once a week, we’ll let him participate.

Oh, who am I kidding? Eli and I will end up having snarky nearsighted adequate brunette sex and running Mike and Jen's errands. It'll still be awesome.

Commercial!

Back! Padma introduces Bouloud, Keller, Jean Joho, Laurent Tourondel, Tom, Gail, and Kevin. And there’s a translator named Emmanuel, and Joel Robuchon, who apologizes for not speaking English. He is ALSO adorable, and looks like he could live under a mushroom.

Why is everyone in this episode straight out of an effing Tolkien rip off?

Robin and Ron introduce their Frog Leg Meuniere with Lemon Confit, Mache and Arugula Salad with Fried Capers. Joho thinks it’s heavy on flour, and Bouloud found the frog legs overcooked. Keller it said had some creativity. Robuchon says there was thought in it, but the flavor of the frog is masked. Everyone nods like they speak French.

Back in the kitchen, Mike I and Bryan finish up, and then take the dish out to the diners. It is a Warm Cured Trout with Deconstructed Bearnaise. Bouloud thinks it was a perfect translation of what they had to do. Joho says it’s simple but sophisticated. Kevin found the béarnaise impressive, and Joel Robuchon says they have taken something simple and made it exceptional. “J’aime beaucoup,” he finishes, which even I didn’t need subtitles for.

Eli tells the staff how to serve the lobster, and he presents his and Laurine’s Lobster, Sauce Americaine with Cauliflower Puree. Joho says it’s a nice dish generally, but the lobster is tough but the sauce is bitter. Joel Robuchon says it doesn’t have the right flavor for sauce Americaine.

Mattin and Ashley then present their Sauteed Poussin and Ravioli with Sauce Veloute and Green Asparagus in both French and English. Robuchon jokes that Mattin spoke French well. Tom tastes a lot of bacon in the sauce. Robuchon says the poussin is bland and the sauce is not really a veloute. Joho adds that they worked hard for a poor result. Keller says it would’ve been successful with a real veloute because the bacon flavor overpowered the poussin. Tom says that while everyone says everything’s better with bacon, this is one case where that’s not true.

Team Pretty Bunny serve their Rabbit Chasseur with Mustard Noodle and Shiso. Bouloud says it’s a very good piece of rabbit. Robouchon agrees that it’s cooked perfectly, and Tom says that it’s mature work.

Finally, Hector and Ash race to get their meat sliced and plated. Ash sees that there’s not enough sauce on the plates. They present their Chateau Briand, Sauce au Poive with Confit de Pommes and Spinach. Robouchon says “ou est le sauce?” and Padma echoes “where is the sauce?” Why do we need Emmanuel the translator when we've got Padma there to interpret the obvious for us? Tom says the cooking on the steak is bad, and Gail adds that it looks like it’s been hacked with an axe.

Robuchon was pleasantly surprised by the work of some of the chefs and thought they saw some very successful dishes. Gail thinks they couldn’t have had this dinner at this point in any other season. Wow. Robuchon then says any of the contestants who’s looking for a job is more than welcome to come and work for him.. . .in his magical mushroom kingdom.

Ok, so I added the last bit.

Stew room. Kevin rejoins the others and doesn’t tell them anything useful. He won’t tell them who the favorites or least favorites were, which is understandable, but then he actually says they weren’t disappointed with anything, which is kind of a dick move. Soften the blow for your friends, Kevin. Otherwise Joel Robuchon and I are kicking you out of our magical mushroom kingdom, and you’ll have to wander the earth doing quests for us.

And they won’t be any of that “answer my questions three” bullshit. They’ll be hard.

Commercial!

Back! Padma calls in team Pretty Bunny and team Mixed Bag. I love Padma’s dress.

Judges’ Table. Padma tells them they had the two best dishes. Tom said they were amazing, and Bouloud said everyone was totally impressed.

Mike takes responsibility for the sauce bernaise, despite it having been made clear earlier that it’s something Bryan did before. Bryan talks about the execution on the trout, and Mike I says he’d always work along side Bryan. Which, in light of last week, I can’t help but take as a jab at Mike V.

Moving to team Pretty Bunny, Mike talks about cutting the rabbit. Tom tells Jen that sauce was brilliant, and Padma asks about working together. Jen says it was easy, and Mike adds “it’s hard when you’re working next to someone so talented. . .you hope she’s not going to out do you.”

Jen blushes. Oh, for god’s sake, just do it RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR, please.

Bouloud says they all showed amazing execution, but the winner is. . . Bryan! Yay!!!! And he has a special opportunity. . . to work for Robuchon for a week! IN HIS MAGICAL MUSHROOM KINGDOM!

Congratulations, Bryan. The keys to the Mushroom Kingdom are yours

The good chefs and Mike I return to the stew room. They call back Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash.

Padma tells them their dishes were the least favorites. Gail says the poussin was dried out and the veloute was closer to gravy than veloute. Bouloud adds that asparagus wasn’t much of a boost, and Mattin says it was Ashley’s idea. Mattin then denies having shot down Ashley’s asparagus veloute idea, which we all saw him do.

Everyone’s really showing their true snakey colors in this episode, aren’t they? I LOVE it.

Padma then asks about the sauce on the steak, and Ash says that since the meat was underdone it absorbed the sauce. Hector says his mistake in cooking the meat was relying on the thermometer, and Gail asks what he cut the meat with. Bouloud says they should’ve had a better game plan.

Padma sends them back to wait. Ash jokes that if anyone hasn’t been on the chopping block yet. . .they shouldn’t! Ba-dum! And that it’s painful because the judges are right. Ok, I love Ash now. I love it when people on this show own the criticism and admit to their failures. He can come and live in the mushroom kingdom too. But no threesomes.

Padma says they could make a case for sending either team home. Tom says that in both cases, the cooking was a huge problem. Hector’s meat was cooked and cut poorly. Ash’s sauce wasn’t great, but even a great sauce couldn’t have saved that meat.

Ashley’s ravioli was too thick in the pasta, and Gail was shocked that she didn’t take more responsibility. Bouloud wonders if she expected Mattin to take the lead because he was French. Tom then says it was Mattin’s moment to shine, and he didn’t. Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them about the challenge, and what a great opportunity it was to cook for these chefs. Then he reminds them of how they all variously screwed up.

Padma tells. . .Hector to pack his knives and go. Wow, they TOTALLY faked me out. I was sure up until the last moment that it was going to be Mattin.

Hector interviews that he expected to be there longer to represent his people and himself longer. You’re the only one, Hector. Frankly, I thought you’d be gone a couple of weeks ago.

Next time: The great outdoors! Some sort of running activity! Prepping on a table in sand in 100 degree weather! Like sucking on a piece of chlorine! And TOM seems to be walking away! OoooooooOOOOOOooooooooh!