Jordan Baker reads the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine -- And LOVES It -- So You Don't Have To

You know how there are some TV shows where in good seasons and bad, there’s always one episode you can always count on to be THE EPISODE? The one episode that even in a stinker of a season generally makes the whole thing worthwhile? The one where even if it’s not the best of its kind, you can really see that the writers and the actors and everyone involved in the production has just put all their thought and time and love into it? The Halloween episodes of The Simpsons? The Thanksgiving episodes of Friends?

Ladies and gentlemen, to that list I’d like to add. . . the October/November issue of Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine.


Or as I call it, the Pumpkin Pie Spice Issue.

(Look at her. Look at that crazed rictus of a grin, and the insane gleam in her otherwise dead eyes. She’s so excited to have gotten one October/November issue out before the inevitable failure of her shitty magazine)

I’m sure that Sandra herself and many of her fans (if any of them could stop cooking up meth in their trailers long enough to offer an opinion) would tell you that Sandra is KNOWN for her Halloween episodes, the “special” shows every year where she puts on even more ridiculous wigs than the one she has for normal episodes, and trots out in a variety of whorey and over the top costumes (you can find my discussion of her “Divas” themed Halloween here).

But truthfully, what Sandra Lee is KNOWN for is pumpkin pie spice. She’ll be the first to tell you that –like the old lady in the Frank’s Red Hot Sauce commercial – she puts that shit on everything.

And so between her love of pumpkin pie spice and her love of wigs and tacky shit and costumes, you shouldn’t be surprised that the October/November issue of Semi-Homemade Magazine is the one where it really busts out and fulfills all of its magnificent, dreadful promise.

In fact, I’ll go one step further: this issue makes the money I spent on my subscription and the pain of reading every issue of this crapfest so far worth it. And it has me contemplating the renewal notices I keep receiving.

So let me be your guide through this wonderland (kind of the way the Mad Hatter was absolutely not for Alice, Tim Burton). Starting with. .

1) Behind the Scenes, which this time around gives us a retrospective on some of the Halloween costumes featured on past shows. Here you see Anne Boleyn, Marie Antoinette, and Elizabeth I from the Queens episode; Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn from what I can assume is a movie star episode; and Barbra Streisand, Cher, and Liza Minnelli from the Divas episode.

If we can learn any thing from this photo spread, it’s that Sandra looks much, much better as a brunette than she ever will with her cheap bleach job. And if we can learn two things, it’s that whoever’s editing her magazine either can’t spell, or has a delicious sense of humor:

Liza Manelli? Further proof that Sandra Lee was once a man?

2) An advertisement for the New York City Wine & Food Festival, where you can attend a “Chelsea Market After Dark” event presented by Food Network and “hosted by Sandra Lee and Guy Fieri.” I have a recurring nightmare about something just like that.

3) The Letter from Sandra which is its usual mess of meandering and poorly planned alliteration. She rambles about hosting Halloween and Thanksgiving at “Lilly Pond” for the first time, “including two spooktacular Halloween parties for my Semi-Homemade munchkins, Mariah and Michaela, along with their sister Cara and all of their friends.”

So first, does anyone else find it at all creepy that she’s referring to her boyfriend’s kids as “my Semi-Homemade munchkins”? It’s like she’s trying to take a 70-30 approach to motherhood. Take seventy percent someone else’s kids and try to buy them with 30% prepackaged crap and sporadic appearances on your basic cable show, and WALLA! In no time at all, you’ll have half-Kennedy adults who want nothing to do with your tacky ass.

Second, why are Mariah and Michaela her munchkins. . . .and their sister Cara is an afterthought?

She goes on to talk about how they’ll have Thanksgiving in “what we call our ‘John Adams dining room,” (why do they call it that? No answer) “which itself seems to reflect the essence of fall” (how does it reflect that? No answer), and which she plans to “transform into a perfect place for hosting a festive family fete brimming with bountiful food.”

Seriously, kids, if you’re going for alliteration, go all out. A festive family fete full of fabulous food. Buy a fucking thesaurus.

4) Fresh Favorites is our regular dose of crap we can buy. This issue’s goodies include a “lattice pie topper” which you can use to cut a lattice pattern into your premade dough, not one but TWO new Semi-homemade books – Cocktail Time and Weeknight Wonders (cocktail time has 225 recipes for Cocktails and appetizers if anyone who doesn’t mind spending money on her shit is looking for a Christmas present for me. I’m just saying), and the ubiquitous overpriced hostess apron. This one’s a mere $65 from heavenlyhostess.com

And now it’s time for our favorite feature, kids! 5) Shortcut Chic! The feature where Sandra shows us how to save time by doing such chic things as. . . putting a wreath on your door! Instead. . . of. . .around your neck? Or cutting the stems off of “several bouquets of chrysanthemums” so you can put them in a bunch of teacups. Which, naturally, is way less time consuming than leaving the stems on them and putting them in a normal vase. And anyway, your vases all have fish in them. Or making sweet potato pancakes with sweet potatoes and Bisquick. Which is presumably quicker and cheaper than buying an emetic.

Ok. I won’t make fun of the Yummy Mummy cupcakes. They’re adorable.

But I will make fun of the “Slithering Centerpiece,” where you use rubber snakes to keep flowers upright. And the “Gleaming Gourd” where you spray paint your jack-o-lantern silver. Much less time consuming than trying to find the elusive Silver Pumpkin in nature.

And then we have our 6) Five Money Saving Meals where we learn to feed a family of four for about $15 a meal. This week, your family will be eating all kinds of fatty, salty, artery clogging crap.

I am not exaggerating at all. Monday’s dinner is chicken and dumplings made with bisquick, cream of chicken soup, rotisserie chicken, and whole milk. And since you’ll want something a little heavier on Tuesday, how about some Chicken Fried Steak with Cream Gravy, Thyme Biscuits, and Sour Cream Mashed potatoes? On Wednesday, you get Spicy Red Beans and Rice, made with andouille sausage, canned beans, 10 ounces of “frozen seasoning blend” (whatever in hell that is), jarlic, and Uncle Ben’s rice.

Since you didn’t have anything fried on Wednesday, on Thursday you get to splurge with Oven Fried Pork Chops (Bisquick and panko crumbs), Roasted Red Potatoes (frozen potato wedges) and Buttery Green Beans. And then we round up the week with a nice hearty Italian Pot Roast (Chuck Roast, Italian Seasoning) on Friday.

And then your entire family can do a juice fast together. Please.

I’m once again confronted with proof that Sandra is listening to me as we reach 7) The recipe cards. Because NONE OF THESE RECIPES APPEAR ELSEWHERE IN THE MAGAZINE.
That’s the good news. Sandra is learning! Yay, Sandra!!!

The bad news is, the recipes are all horrible things you can do Kraft Macaroni and cheese. There is a Ranch Macaroni Salad , Macaroni and Cheese Spinach Bakes, and Chicken and Chiles.

The worst offender, though, is Macaroni and Cheese Soup. I am providing the full recipe here, because otherwise you won’t believe me:

6 cups water
½ tsp salt
1 Kraft Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese Dinner
1 Cup whole milk
12 slices American cheese, unwrapped [ed: oh, THAT’s what went wrong when I made it! I forgot to unwrap the cheese slices! Head smack!]
¼ tsp ground black pepper
Garnish: paprika and fresh parsley


In a medium saucepan, bring 6 cups water and salt to a boil over high heat. Add macaroni; cook for 8 minutes, stirring occasionally, or until tender [ed: wtf? Syntax???]. Reduce heat to medium-low. Add milk, cheese packet, cheese slices, and pepper, stirring until cheese is melted.


This? Makes burrito casserole look gourmet.

The next feature is 8) 20 minute meals, or “crap to kill your family with, part II.” There’s a ham steak with “peach sauce” (canned peach chunks in syrup with corn starch added) with a side of Casear-Bacon deviled eggs; breaded chicken & spaghetti; and taco mac & cheese (made with KRAFT, natch).

9) Simple & Savory Soups, or “crap to kill your family with, part III.

I don’t even want to discuss this feature. Just know that the first step for “Beef & Broccoli soup” is to combine 5 cups of beef broth, ¾ cup of sour cream, and a package of teriyaki seasoning in a large pot. And there are three other similar abortions. . .erm, I mean arussipies.

Moving back toward our holiday theme, we get 10) Perfectly Pleasing Pies.

Because what would Thanksgiving be without pie crust made from Bisquick, Berry pie made from frozen mixed berries, and Sweet Potato Pie made from Ore-Ida Steam n’ mash cubed frozen sweet potatoes? It's just like the pilgrims made after the Indians showed them how to use their regular groshery store!

Amazingly she uses real apples in the apple pie rather than apple pie filling. I never thought I’d live to see the day where Sandra Lee passed up a chance to use canned pie filling.

Then we have our once-an-issue instructions on a new and exciting way to fuck up boxed white cake mix*. This time it’s with 11) Easy Pumpkin Cake.

Basically, you add – guess what? --PUMPKIN PIE SPICE to your boxed vanilla cake, and then frost it with honey frosting (cream cheese frosting with honey). And then you make fondant pumpkins to stick on top of it. The stems, BTW, are made of wintergreen Tic Tacs.

Honestly, I don’t know why you wouldn’t just buy the candy pumpkins at the CVS. They look exactly the same, they taste a damn sight better than a blob of fondant with a Tic Tac lodged in it, and it seems more in keeping with the true spirit of Semi-Homemade.

Time for 12) Kimber’s Heirloom Easy! The feature where Sandra Lee’s sister, Kimber, earns her keep by remaking a traditional family recipe as a Semi-Homemade mess! We get a nice picture of Kimber this time, too.
Kimber’s giving meat loaf a makeover in this issue. The “Heirloom” recipe involves 1.25 lbs of ground chuck, onions, celery, bell peppers, carrots, herbs, milk, an egg, bread crumbs, and a tomato sauce made with ketchup, brown sugar, mustard, and Worcestershire sauce.

The semi homemade recipe is 1.25 lbs of ground chuck with “frozen seasoning blend”, bread crumbs, steak sauce, and mustard, and a tomato sauce made from ketchup and A1. Because who the hell needs all those pesky fucking vegetables anyway? Not you! And certainly not your children! Why, if you feed them vegetables, how will they ever have the energy to sit on their asses playing Mario Kart on the Wii 18 hours a day? Kids need CONDIMENTS for that!

Oh, and don’t forget to send Kimber your family recipes so she can strip them of all nutritional value!

13) From One Semi-Homemaker to Another is less offensive than usual. The recipes aren’t that semi -- they use normal shortcuts like cans of tomato paste and Lipton soup. The closest thing to a disaster is a “slow cooker vegetable lasagna” by Jeanne Peale, but that’s mostly dreadful because of the slow cooker-ness and presence of Ragu sauce, which I really believe is made by whipping orphans until they bleed, and then adding sugar to that orphan blood and selling it in jars.

14) Sandra’s Sensational 7. If you hadn’t already guessed, this time she’s shilling for Kraft Mac & Cheese, Knorrs Asian Sides, Bisquick, Ore-Ida Steam ‘n Mash, Ro-Tel tomatoes, Pumpkin pie spice, and cake mix.

But then we come to this thing of beauty:

15) A Table of Treats. It’s so wonderful. It’s like what you’d get if a Sandra Lee fan and a Tim Burton fan had a baby (in addition to the world’s most immature, illiterate, and fat fans).

I love how she persists in thinking that doing black and white or black and silver holidays is "cutting edge" and "hip." It's like every day in her world is 1993. In Minnesota. In a very, very small town.

And what do we put on this table of bounty? Tiramisu cups! Spooky Whoopie pies made from cake mix and marshmallow crème!

“Cupcake Critters” that look like the ghosts of Muppets!


“Tombstone Treats” made by rolling Swiss cake rolls in crumbled Oreos, and then writing “RIP” on Milano cookies!


And just so you don’t forget anything, a Party Planning guide with helpful tips like “assemble your tablescape and decorate early. Having all the sinister adornments around will put your whole house in the party mood,” and “Place a few decorated masks on painted pumpkins . . with party favors like these, everyone is sure to be in disguise.”

WHAT???

Leaving the beauty that is Halloween behind (for now. . . ) we move on to Thanksgiving with a 16) Gracious Gathering.
For Thanksgiving, You’ll be serving Cheese Biscuits (Bisquick) with Honey Butter; Honey-and-Herb (Blend) Roasted Turkey (or Turkey breast, if you have a smaller crowd); Glazed Walnut-Cornbread (Krusteaz Mix) Dressing; Individual Sweet Potato (Ore-Ida Steam ‘n Mash) Souffles; Mashed (Boxed Scalloped) Potatoes; Roasted Lemon Brussels Sprouts; and Butterscotch (Hershey’s Morsels) Bread Pudding.

This is the kind of Thanksgiving that is sure to end in syphilis.

After Thanksgiving, we return to the black décor theme of the issue with 17) Brilliant Black. It’s a lot of black stuff you can buy.
I have black and white dishes, and I won’t lie: I kind of want the cheese tray and the dip bowl.

And then it’s our favorite time of day—cocktail time! With recipes for 18) Sweet & Savory Celebrations.

By far the best thing here is the “Bloodshot Martini” which you garnish with a blueberry-stuffed lychee, to look like an eyeball. Appetizing! There’s also an Espresso Martini; a Monster Martini (which is just a big ass gin martini); Prosciutto-Wrapped Mozzarella with Black Olive Tapenade; Turkey Finger Sandwiches; Bacon Wrapped Dates with Gorgonzola; a Butterscotch White Russian (and accompanying Mocktail); Rosemary-Brie Stuffed Mushrooms with Balsamic Caramelized Onions; an Almond Pear Cocktail (and Mocktail); Beer and Cheese Dip (made with Cheese soup); a Caramel-Apple Cider Cocktail (with both hot and Mocktail variations); and Spinach Artichoke Bacon Cups.

19) When Girls Gather in the Fall, apparently what they really want to do is drink an appletini while filling mesh bags with “apple cider drink mix.”

The drink mix is made with Tang, instant tea mix, lemonade, and spices. Embarrassingly, I’m pretty sure I’ve had this before, or something similar. A friend’s mother used to make it and call it “Christmas Tea,” and give it to us in tins at holiday. It’s quite good, especially if you’re feeling ill (the vitamin C in the Tang will pep you right up!).

This month’s entry in the “things you can do with a . . . .” (fishbowl, vase, box, etc) is 20) Basket’s Bounty. Guess what you can do with a basket?
1) You can stand it upright, and put crap in it. 2) You can put plants in it. 3) You can put treats in it; 4) you can put snacks in it.

So disregarding the fact that they all boil down to “you can put things in a basket,” two of them are the same even beyond that. What, exactly, is the difference between putting snacks in a basket and putting treats in a basket? It’s food. It’s in a basket. End of story. You’ve only come up with three things, Sandra, you lazy bitch.

The 21) In Community feature where Sandra tries to convince us that she does community minded things to make up for saturating us all in packaged crap is on “The Meaningful Gift of Mentoring.” And an important part of mentoring is to make cookies shaped like candy corn.
This is clearly why none of my mentor relationships ever panned out. Not one of those bastards ever made me cookies shaped like candy corn.

. . . but aren’t they all special collector’s issues? I never plan on parting with mine.

We end with 22) Paper Plate, where they make a sandwich out of leftovers of something they made earlier in the issue. This time it’s a Meat Loaf Sandwich, because the only way you can make Kimber’s Condiment Loaf even less nutritious than it already was is by sticking it between two slabs of Texas toast and slathering it with bottled barbecue sauce.

* Full confession: I made the strawberry-pineapple fuck up a boxed white cake mix cake from the last issue. It was delicious. It also cost $35 fucking dollars for the ingredients, and left me with a giant Tupperware full of strawberry cream cheese frosting lurking in my fridge, but it was damn tasty.