Project Runway: The bride wore zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Epperson's long dreads
Are going home for reasons
I don't understand.

Ok, folks. Take about an inch of page space here and imagine to yourself that I managed to say something typically random and snarky about this episode, because I just don't have the energy. I keep feeling like I'm going to fall asleep at my desk, both because I'm exhausted and this episode is freaking boring.

And if you come up with some good snark, leave it in the comments.

That said: I liked Epperson. I'll miss him. I thought his dress was better than Althea's and Nicolas', and certainly better than the other two messes in the bottom group.

But these are the vague machinations of Project Runway, to which it is futile to employ human logic. So let's just start the show.

(Also, I'm very sorry this is so text centric. Lifetime only posted 11 episode pictures, and none of them were that great. On the bright side, I don't have a whole lot to say about this episode, so it's a shorter than usual recap).

Morning! Los Angeles! In the boys apartment, there’s bacon sizzling in the pan. Interesting that both Project Runway and Top Chef started with a sizzling breakfast motif this week, eh?

They reflect on how there are only four guys left. Wow, the ladies have really dominated this season, which is tough to remember since it’s been so godawful boring.

In the girls’ apartment, Carol Hannah is sad that Louise left. Irina thinks people are unhappy with the fact that she’s won two challenges. Sure enough, Logan interviews that Irina thinks she’s better than the others. Christopher reflects on how he can’t be in the bottom again, which is an almost certain telegraph that he’ll be in the bottom again.

At the runway, Heidi explains that for this challenge they’ll be working with new models. A bunch of random women in bridal gowns come out. Logan interviews that he’s been dreading a wedding challenge. Aw, that kind of rhymes. Dreading a wedding.

Heidi explains that all of these women are recent divorcees. The designers’ challenge will be to turn the wedding dresses into a hip look for the new chapters of their lives.

Oh, so it’s exactly like that time in season four where they remade old favorite dresses into new favorite outfits after dramatic weight loss, and someone got stuck with a wedding dress. Except this time they’ve leveled the playing field and ALL of them are stuck with a wedding dress. And the dramatic weight loss is that these ladies have all dropped 185 lbs of dead weight. Lame divorce joke, HOLLA!

Ok, now I can check that little obligation off the mental list. Check!

The divorcees all introduce themselves with their names and how long they’ve been divorced. Then the designers choose divorcees. Irina goes first and takes Robin, because her dress has the most fabric to work with.

This is pretty much the basis that everyone chooses on, so I’m going to spare you the break down of who goes with whom, since we’ll never see these women again, and anyway, my notes seem to say that their names are things like “Sweary” and “Ankiel.”

If you want some highlights, Nicolas chooses Stephanie, who is a wee little thing with a wreath in her hair, and Christopher chooses Beverly, who looks. . . .a little manly/bad plastic surgery ish.
It gets down to the last two, and Althea assures them that she’s sure they both have “awesome attitudes,” and have just not been selected because their dresses don’t offer much to work with.

Then she chooses a woman who my notes say is named “Uh Girl,” which seems unlikely.

This sticks Shirin with Charlie, who is wearing a very simple sheath dress. And also, as we’ll learn shortly, is completely insane.

Workroom! They all start sorting out how much they have to work with. Irina realizes that while she chose the largest dress, she’s ended up with “tons of acrylic.” Ha-ha. On the opposite side of that spectrum, Shirin has about two yards of 100% polyester fabric.

Tim informs them that the winner of this challenge will have immunity in the next round, and that that will be the LAST immunity for the duration of the show. They’ll have until midnight tonight to finish. Tim sends in their divorcees.

Gordanna’s client is apparently named Annie and wants her dress to be“fuullette.” Erm. I had too much wine before dinner last night. Shirin’s client Charlie would like to be fabulous.

Epperson’s asks him to “show my ‘me,’” which seems to be code for “make me something curve hugging.”

Wreath wearing Stephanie asks Nicolas to make her outfit cruelty free. And then we return to Charlie to learn that what she means when she asks Shirin to make her something fabulous with this helpful clarification: “I’m thinking Cher, ‘Half-Breed.’”

Oh, honey. Both sides were against Shirin since the day she was born.

They head out to Mood with $35 they can use to buy up to 2 yards of fabric and any notions and things they need. Fabric flurry. Shirin gloomily buys feathers and sobs into a pile of fabric about having to do so. Epperson talks about how it has to work, no excuses. And Logan is buying some wool to make pants.

Back in the workroom, Carol Hannah runs amok in her lady’s dress in a moment I’m sure isn’t at all meant to intentionally hark back to when Jeffery ran around in one of Ulli’s 6000 giant halter dresses.

Aw. Remember back when this show made me angry because it was good?

Irina finds the concept of the challenge empowering. Gordanna reflects on her own divorce, and how she needs to be mentally strong and “vocus” on the challenge. She calls her kids and leaves them a message. Her hands are black from dying the fabric. Then she cries.

Ten hours! Shirin needs to find a way out of her disaster. Commercial!

Then my notes say “I ht myself in the face!! With the remote” in someone else’s handwriting. This is because the cable box is in a cabinet behind the couch, and I was leaning backward to FF the DVR through the commercials, and I didn’t have a good grip on the remote and it fell and hit me in the face.

And I said “OW” as one is wont to do when one drops an object on ones face, and when people asked what was wrong, I said “I hit myself in the face!! With the remote.” Which was apparently hilarious, and one of my friends took my little notebook, wrote down this very important quotation, and insisted I work it into my account of events.

So, there you go.

Back! Eight hours. Irina reflects on how everyone is going nuts trying to get the final immunity.
Tim thru! He’s worried about Chris, but it turns out that what Chris is working on is infrastructure, not the actual dress. Irina has dyed her yards of acetate a nice tawny color. Epperson tells Tim he’s using as little as possible from the gown itself, and making a short dress. Tim calls it “Lab Coat-y.” Logan’s is a play on a tuxedo feel. Tim feels like he has way too much textile.

Gordanna’s final dye color is a nice platinum. Tim encourages her to take it as far as she can.

Shirin tells Tim she’s “been better.” Tim empathizes with her about how effervescent Charlie is, and freaks out a little over her Cher-like desires. Tim thinks the flowers aren’t integrated, and he questions the trim. Then he hugs Shirin, because she’s adorable and sad, and advises her to play with the textiles.

Tim leaves. Epperson and Logan freak out about the critique they’ve received. Shirin vows not to go home for this, and says she’ll MAKE the fabric look like something else.

Tim sends in the divorcees. Again. Weren’t they just here? Anyway, they’re the most positive group of models ever—everyone seems to love everything. Gordanna talks about how they’re constructing something new for them out of a symbol of their past lives. Yes, Gordanna. We all understand the challenge.

Commercial!

Back! Day of runway! The girls put on their make up. Christopher feels confident about his design, and Nicolas vows that it will be the best – or the worst – runway ever. Epperson drily says “the worst.”

Workroom! Logan worries about finishing on time. Shirin wears a hat and stitches her dress. Epperson is completely confident.

Tim arrives and sends in the divorcees AGAIN. They have two hours for fitting and the Macy’s wall of blah blah and the Garnier whatever and the L’Oreal something or other.

Althea and her divorcee “Uh girl” look related. They could be mother and daughter. I’m not saying which one looks like which.

Obligatory Althea is old looking joke: Check!

Crazy ass Charlie worries about the hem not being short enough. Chris assures Beverly that she’s "the hotness." Stephanie tells Nicolas that she wants to have his child, and then adds “not really—just an expression.” I would love to know what the offspring of gnomy little Nicolas and his wreath wearing bride-vorcee would look like.

The divorcees have apparently taken lessons in walking from the regular models. That’s adorable. I hope there’s an extended cut of it in Models of the Runway, if I’m ever awake long enough to watch it.

Ten minutes! Logan runs around. Shirin frets in her hat. Epperson is cautiously optimistic. Logan is frantic. Irina interviews that Logan’s outfit looks “pretty crazy,” and that his pants are bad.

Logan worries that he got lost as a designer.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi comes out in these truly awful pants. There is no way she should be allowed to judge a fashion competition in those pants. I’m sorry, Heidi. You’re AUWT.

Anyway, she introduces the judges: Kors, Zanna, and Tamara Mellon. I’m so glad Kors is still here, and it wasn’t just a one week fluke.

And then they start what might be the worst runway show ever. Irina’s is a champagne colored lace cocktail dress. It’s kind of matronly. Shirin’s is a white sheath dress with black counter stitching, and the way it looks on her muscular frame is alarming enough to make one of the gays ask “hey, when did one of the Williams sisters get married?”

Logan’s is a lingerie vest top with some ugly wool pants. Carol Hannah’s is a strapless pewter thing with a vest. Althea’s is a boring blue thing with an ugly boob effect in a contrast color. Nicolas has mysteriously made grey pants with a brown top and a vest.

Gordanna has made a grey strapless dress which isn’t at all age appropriate for her model. The top looks good, but the way she’s styled it with the short dress and the boots below the knee just highlight the fact that Annie kind of has old lady knees. Heels would’ve been a much better choice.

Christopher’s dress is a bubbly silver wreck, and Epperson’s is a white dress with a lace-on jacket and a sort of ribbon effect at the waist.

Heidi tells Carol Hannah, Nicolas, and Althea that they’re safe.

The judges start with Gordanna, who explains that she wanted to make something that she used principally the lining in making the dress, and how she wanted to create something that made Annie feel like herself. Kors says it does great things for her body. Annie the divorcee loves it.

Chris explains that Beverly is an actress and – “A Man,” everyone in the living room interjects simultaneously. Tamara Mellon tells him it’s clever and pretty, but has way too much volume. Tamara Mellon is clearly high if she thinks that mess is clever and/or pretty.

Kors is more on target, telling him it makes her look like tinfoil or a “metallic Hefty bag.” And Zanna agrees, adding “space bubble dress.”

Moving on to Epperson, Heidi instantly tells him it makes her think of Oktoberfest, and Tamara counters with “pirate wench.” And that’s all I wrote down, because I was kind of floored by the reaction—I kind of liked the dress.

Shirin tells them about how Charlie wanted a Cher costume. Charlie feels that the dress is safe, but beautiful. Tamara agrees that it’s beautiful, and Kors assures Charlie that he “love[s] a girl who has a ‘Half Breed’ moment.”

Heidi has another Oktoberfest with Logan’s outfit. Leah the divorcee likes it, but when pressed she admits she wouldn’t wear it on a first date. “Maybe a second,” she says. Kors points out that the pants are uneven and says the top makes her look “like an opera singer. “

Finally, Zanna tells Irina that she’s impressed, and Tamara calls her dress expensive, chic, and age appropriate.

I am about to fall over asleep between the lack of sleep and the boring-ness of this episode.

Deliberation. Shirin’s is cute, and Heidi admires her for saying no to Charlie. Kors found Gordanna’s both elegant and edgy, and Heidi says it’s nice to see her not being safe. Yes, nothing says "risk taker" like a grey strapless dress in a week where another designer ALSO made a grey strapless dress. Irina has made a sexy but age appropriate dress from lace.

On the reverse side, they think Epperson didn’t understand the challenge. They all hate Logan’s trousers and “Oktoberfest Vest,” and think Chris’s look would land Beverly on the worst dressed list, if there was a worst dressed list for divorcee trannies.

Ok, maybe I’m the only one saying the last part. Commercia.

(I was going to add the "l" onto Commercial during editing, but then I realized it was a nice illustration of how boring this episode was if I couldn't even be brought to finish the wor)

Back. Shirin is in. Gordanna is the winner. Yay! She says “finally!” and goes back to the waiting area where Shiring seems to explode with happiness for her. It’s nice that they seem to like each other.

Irina is in Christopher is in. Heidi tells the remaining designers that the both gave the judges Oktoberfest moments and lost themselves.

But Logan is in, and Epperson is out. He still feels like he won.

Sigh. I’m sorry for how boring that was, children. I actually paused to take a five minute nap while writing it.

Next time! Bob Mackie! Designing for a five time Grammy winner, multi platinum selling artist. Studet work! Nina!