Project Runway: Two Down, An Interminable Crapfest of Tank Tops and Headbands to Go

No Bryant Park for
Gordana and Christopher
But no surprise there.

I have to ask you a question, loves. If you haven’t seen the pictures from the final collections, which have been all over the interwebs since last February. If you hadn’t put together who was in the final three weeks ago from the styling hints or the use of models the designers have been fiercely loyal to. . .

. . .was this an interesting episode to watch?

Because for me, it just had a sense of grim inevitability, and KNOWING that Althea’s gold lame shit fest and portfolio of tacky assedness was going to be advanced over Gordana’s beautiful gown and impeccable taste just made me really depressed to watch it.

But it seemed like some of my friends who were less “spoiled” than I was were able to get into the suspense of it, and believe for a minute that even with Heidi the tragic pirate clown whore at the helm good might win over evil and talent over snagglepussed derivativeness.

Alas.

So I hope you were in the latter category, and that at least you got to invest in the episode. Because if you knew where it was going, it was just a snoozefest.

Morning. Project Runwway Apartments. Althea interviews that it’s getting rough as it gets toward the end, and then she bitches about how much she hates Irina for accusing her of stealing ideas.

Irina interviews that she “won’t say anything behind your back that I wouldn’t say to your face,” and then adds that some people would apparently rather have things said behind their backs.

Oh, snap, Althea. That’s you, see? Because you talked nonstop shit behind Logan’s back, but then freaked out when Irina said something to your face.

Christopher interviews that he’s the only boy left. Yay! He can count! Gordana says she’s doing this for her country. It’s very Grease 2.

Runway! Heidi appears like a figure out of a nightmare, and reminds them that this is their last challenge in L.A. As such, they’re being sent to an iconic place with timeless views, or some such nonsense.

They go to the J. Paul Getty Museum, where Tim greets them and tells them that this is the “heart of L.A. Culture.” They’re also greeted by the Mayor of L.A., which is. . . .weird and random. I suppose it’s supposed to make them feel special and important, but really it just makes L.A. look sad. The mayor has time to appear on reality shows?

Tim tells them that their challenge is to use the Getty Center as inspiration. They have two days (finally!), and will get a 30 minute tour of the museum followed by a 30 minute sketching period.

That’s some bullshit. What kind of museum can you tour in 30 minutes?

Their models go on the tour with them. Althea says that the architecture of the Getty makes it one of her “top ten buildings ever,” and is inspired by the building’s curves. Carol Hannah focuses on an awesome giant bed with draperies. Irina takes her cues from a Godward painting called Mischief and Repose. Christopher is inspired by a rock fountain, and Gordana falls for Monet’s Rouen Cathedral, which, perhaps predictably, is grey. Just like everything else Gordana’s made this season.

Mood! They have 30 minutes, and what sounds like $200. Irina buys a bunch of fur, telling Tim that it might be rabbit. Tim looks at the size of her pelts and says it must be a “giant, giant Scandanavian Rabbit.”

The rest of the trip to Mood is lost as the gays scream in horror over a prolonged shot we get of a full on jeans wedgie creeping up Althea’s ass as she scurries along looking for fabric. Thank you Mood!

Workroom. Tim reminds them that this is the challenge that will determine who goes to Bryant Park. Just in case they—or you—forgot that in the last 3 minutes. Commercial!

Back! Carol Hannah says that it’s “really exciting to be down to five,” and Gordana has a very similar interview where she reflects that “making it to top 5 is huge.”

To switch things up a little, Althea says that the “atmosphere in the workroom is kind of awkward because Irina and Gordana are “recent friends” and Christopher and Carol Hannah are “buddy buddy.” Hm, someone feels left out.

In keeping with this theme, Irina interviews about Althea being “like King Kong.” Apparently in Irina’s mind, King Kong’s salient characteristics are that he goes around taking things he wants, because there’s some sort of bitching about Althea taking a table which causes Irina to call her “her royal highness.”

Speaking for the audience, Carol Hannah says “I just think it’s silly.” And then Gordana seems to be talking shit about Carol Hannah or Althea or SOMEONE, because she makes some sort of gnomic statement about how “the dogs that bark don’t bite.”

End of day one. The next day, Irina and Gordana are bickering. Carol Hannah tells them she doesn’t want to listen to them bicker, and Gordana says something incredibly unnecessary about how they’re “not here to serve her.”

Damn, they’re going out of their way to make EVERYONE look like an unpleasant asshole in this episode, right?

Back to the workroom. Tim Thru! He starts with Christopher, and warns him to “keep an editing eye” on his look.

He reacts to Carol Hannah’s plans to drape something across the bodice with an “AH! What are you doing?” and warns her not to “lose the sophistication.”

He tells Irina that her cape/coat thing is “looking a lot like roadkill.” From a road in Scandanavia, I guess, where the giant, giant rabbits run free.

Althea gets told that he’s “perplexed over why you chose that construction method for this.”

Gordana spends their visit crying over how emotional the painting makes her.

Tim tells them that he’s really impressed with all of them, and sends their models in for a 30 minute fitting.

Carol Hannah thinks Althea might have a problem because of the way her fabric puckers. Irina decides to take Tim’s advice and focus on the dress rather than the cape/coat thing. Aw. All those giant, giant, Scandanavian rabbits died for nothing.

Althea doesn’t think that Gordana’s dress looks like a “last challenge” dress. The models leave. Commercial!

Back! Project Runway Apartments. Christopher interviews that there’s a “lot of pressure before this challenge.” Christopher wins the Captain Obvious award for this episode.

We then lose several minutes of the show while we discuss how bad Althea’s roots are. As the noise dies down, Carol Hannah reminds us that “you can’t predict how the judges are going.”

Workroom! Everyone is hoping things come together. Tim sends in their models for an hour’s worth of product placement and beautification.

Christopher says that the dress “encompasses who I am as a designer. . .pretty and kind of dirty.”

Irina reminds us that “everything’s at stake today” and thinks that Christopher has false confidence. Althea thinks Irina’s dress has no tailoring. Irina thinks Althea’s looks are always really poorly finished. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi, dressed in something that looks suspiciously like it was made out of a Tommy Hilfiger sheet pattern that sold at Dillards when I worked there in the late ‘90’s, tells them that after this challenge, there will be only three of them.

The judges are Cynthia Rowley, Nina Garcia, and Cindy Crawford. Cindy Crawford looks damn good considering the peak of her modeling career was when I was in junior high. There's no way Heidi will look a tenth that good when she hits 43. You go, Cindy Crawford.

Hey, remember back when models still had tits and ass? That was nice.

Runway! We’ll eventually see all the dresses this week, since it’s the final runway challenge.

Althea’s is a cheap looking gold mess. It’s like Saturday Night Fever’s tackier, poorly made cousin. I’m not going to say that someone who makes this shitfest as their final look shouldn’t go to Bryant Park. . .I’m just going to say that someone with this little talent should probably have been put out of her misery a long time ago, and would’ve in any season that wasn’t stocked with people who’ve never seen a needle and judged primarily by the increasingly insane and tacky Heidi.

Carol Hannah’s dress is a gold gown. It’s beautiful and extremely well done, but it’s not really revolutionary in any way. Also, since her primary inspiration was that bed, I wish she’d used the beautiful green color from the draperies.

Christopher’s is a grey gown with some sort of sacking effect around the boobs.

Gordanna’s is a beautiful white and grey gown. Matar looks freaking stunning in it, and in any season that was governed by rules and sanity rather than favoritism and tackiness, the two of them would be going to Bryant Park and dominating. Instead, Gordana is reduced to feeding off the sympathies of the public, and Matar is getting hit on by Hugh Grant.

Finally, Irina’s is a green gown that looks like a costume from an ‘80’s movie about Greek gods and goddesses.

The models are brought out.

Starting with Althea, Cindy Crawford tells her it was brave to try all the pleating. Cynthia Rowley sees the architectural inspiration, but she finds the skirt overworked and the top underworked. Nina agrees that she barely even got to the top. In a rare moment of clarity, Heidi says that it’s “a bit of a mess fest,” and that Althea bit off more than she could chew.

With Althea’s kergiggidy teeth, that’s a feat indeed.

Moving to Irina, Nina likes the back of the dress, but finds the length “old lady.” Cindy Crawford likes the color, but hates the shoes and styling. Heidi has Kaylyn take off all of her accessories.

Gordana is next. Heidi can see the connection with the paining. Nina says it’s perfectly made, but she wonders if Gordana is capable of taking chances. Cynthia Rowley adds that she doesn’t love the back.

Cynthia Rowley tells Carol Hannah that the fit is fantastic, and that she likes the shoulder detail. Cindy Crawford says it’s beautiful and well executed. Nina tells her that she’s played it very safe.

Finally, Cynthia Rowley loves the top of Christopher’s dress, but finds the bottom heavy. Cindy Crawford agrees that the upper part is flattering. Heidi asks if he’s “confident in this as a final challenge look?” Christopher cries about how this dress says more about him than any other dress. Katie hugs him.

Now we get to my least favorite part: where Heidi asks them why they deserve to win, and they say a number of things that are entirely irrelevant to the caliber of their work. They’re also asked which two designers should go with them.

Gordana tells some sort of sob story about Communism, and says Christopher and Irina should go to Bryant Park. Althea says she’s consistently pushed herself and never been in the bottom, and picks Carol Hannah and Irina. Carol Hannah sensibly says it doesn’t matter how much you want it, and selects Christopher and Althea. Irina talks about how her parents are immigrants and selects Christopher and Althea. And Christopher says he hasn’t had the opportunities for success, and picks Irina and Carol Hannah.

Deliberation. Heidi thinks Althea is a great designer (but again, let’s look at how Heidi dresses) but that she let them down with this challenge. Nina agrees that the dress was unfinished. So by all the criteria of every past season of this show, which has always held that you get judged based on individual challenges, Althea should totally be out.

Cynthia Rowley likes the inspiration behind Irina’s, but Nina finds it dowdy. Cindy Crawford said it definitely referred to the painting.

Heidi says Christopher does beautiful tops, but Cynthia Rowley says his dress looked uncomfortable. Nina says he hasn’t worked enough to know what the “right” fabrics are.

Nina thinks that Carol Hannah’s gown was beautiful, sophisticated, and impeccably made.

Finally, Heidi says that Gordana’s was closest to the inspiration, and Cindy Crawford likes her simple aesthetic.

Then, bafflingly, Nina says that even at this point in the season “I don’t know who Gordana is as a designer.”

“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE ONLY BEEN THERE FOR TWO OF THE CHALLENGES!” everyone in the living room screams.

“Guys, Guys. . .. don’t yell at Nina!” one person chides us in a “don’t bore Nina!” voice.

The designers are brought back to the runway, and Heidi reminds them that 3 of them will be EEN, and 2 of them will be AUWT. Commercial.

We spend the commercial doing the Heidi hokey pokey. “You put your right foot EEN, you put your right foot AUWT, you put your right foot EEN and then we cut it AUF because we’re German and we can!”

Back! Irina is een. Christopher is AUWT. He interviews that he can see the beauty in unusual things, and goes to the back where Irina hugs him.

Carol Hannah is een. I’m declaring her the defacto winner since her dress was the best dress. . . .that moved on to Fashion Week (and probably tied for the top two of the week).

So it’s down to Gordana and Althea. Hm, how could this possibly turn out?

Heidi tells Gordana that they very much liked the dress, but that it had some construction issues. She also says that she can’t get over her burning irrational hatred of her, or her love of making her sob.

Ok, she doesn’t say that. She says they can’t “overcome our reservations about you.” But you know that the irrational hatred part is what she actually meant.

Althea’s look, on the other hand, was a mess. However she has confidence and takes risk. So they’re rewarding her entire season of totally risk taking shitty grey tank tops and her crappy looking unfinished gold tackfest of a final look, and mostly the fact that she’s just not Gordana. She’s going to Bryant Park.

Then there’s a totally insincere moment between Heidi and Gordana, where Heidi continues to act like a bitch.

Anyway. Tim can’t stand this (Tim is not alone) and had hoped they were all going. Christopher is happy that he stayed the whole competition, and Gordana says she’s leaving proud.

Next week! You’re going to Fashion Week! Carol Hannah makes pants! It’s the Wild West! It’s the Olympics of Fashion! It’s finally fucking over, and that’s all I care about at this point.