Top Chef: Sup(p)er Bowl Fever (with vomitting and hallucinations)

No more winky eye
Or random shirtless Jeff shots
What will we do now?

I’m kind of torn on this one, folks. On the one hand, in the context of the episode, I can’t fault the decision. Especially since a different decision could’ve sent Fabio home, which just won’t do.

But on the other hand, I liked Jeff, and I kind of feel like he got a consistently raw deal from the judges, especially Tom. His good dishes were shrugged off as merely ok, while what seemed like minor missteps were held up to unusually harsh scrutiny.

Also, I kind of feel like the scoring system was bullshit, but we’ll go into that once we get to that. On with it!

* Morning! Chefpartment. Carla puts things in Glad bags and talks about how she dodged a bullet. Leah talks about how she “guesses” she and Hosea kissed. I love when we can see people backpedaling from bad decisions—last week they “kissed” and then they “ended up kissing;” this week we can only “guess” that they kissed. Next week all they’ll admit to is that their lips were in the same room once, maybe. Anyway, Hosea talks about wanting to see Stefan go down. Usually he talks about wanting Leah to go down, so this is at least a refreshing change.

* Quickfire! Padma is there with Scott Conant, chef/owner of Scarpetta. Padma tells them the Super Bowl is just around the corner. They all look horribly confused by this, since it was “Thanksgiving” a week ago, and “Christmas” about three days later, and then it was clearly summer and they were supposed to be using seasonal ingredients on the farm. It’s July, people. Stop trying to convince us otherwise.

* Anyway, for their challenge they’ll play football squares, Top Chef style. Is “football squares” an actual game? Because they seem to take it for granted that everyone knows the rules, but fucked if I’ve ever heard of it. Basically there are two rows of squares, one with an ingredient and one with a food group. They put their name in a box where the rows intersect, but they won’t know their combo until after they’ve all chosen.

* Fabio goes first, and Padma gives him a peak at his food group, which is vegetables.

Fabio tells us “I am not excited about vegetable, guys. There is no reason to eat vegetable when there is meat and fish around.”

* So they reveal all their food groups first, and I could go over it, but it would be a waste since we’ll go over it again when we see their dishes. Then Padma reveals their ingredients, which are all oats. Because it’s the Quaker Oats challenge. How. . .exciting, and totally a legitimate test of their skills, and not at all a corporate sell out. Anyway, they have to create a dish using Quaker Oats and whatever food group they’ve been assigned.

(Appropos of nothing, I’m refining my notes while watching Paul McCartney on the Colbert Report, and it’s the most entertaining thing I’ve seen all night. I want to adopt Paul McCartney as my slightly addled seeming but still fucking witty and awesome Uncle)

* Um. . .anyway.. . .Food Flurry. Everyone discusses what they’re doing and Jeff pounds the shit out of some chicken. Carla tells us “Jeff is a really great chef. But he just can’t quiet the creative monkeys. He just can’t. . .reign ‘em in.”

Who would want to reign in their creative monkeys? Look how adorable they are when you just let them run amok!

* And then Leah has problems with her pinbones in her fish, and Hosea is enough of a dickwad to laugh about this in an interview. Between his obsession with Stefan and his constant gloating over the failures of the woman HE’S CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH, I think I officially hate Hosea more than Leah as of this week.

* So then we have their dishes. Stefan, who had dairy and oats, made Banana Mousse with Oatmeal and Oat-Almond Petit Four. For vegetable and oats, Fabio has made an Oat Crusted Eggplant with Corn and Parmesan Salad. Carla--nuts and grains and oats—has made Pecan and Oat Crusted Tofu with Oatmeal Lentil Salad. Jamie has represented fruit and oats with a Coconut and Oat Crusted Shrimp, Nectarine Salsa, and Avocado Crème Fraiche.

For meat and oats, Hosea has made an Oat Crusted WienerSchnitzel with Warm Potato Salad and Mustard Sauce. For fish and Oats, Leah has produced an Oat Crusted Branzino and Mussels with Escarole and Bacon. And to wrap it up with Poultry and Oats, Jeff has made an Oat Crusted Chicken Paillard with Grits and Fried Zucchini.

* Padma asks who “fumbled.” Ohhhhh dear, this is going to be just fucking endless with the football jokes and all, isn’t it. Anway, the bottom three are: Leah, who had a good idea but bad execution; Fabio, who overcrusted the eggplant so much that you tasted nothing but oats; and Jeff, who had a bad presentation and heavy dish.

The top group are Carla, whose dish was well executed; Jamie, who made perfect shrimp, and Stefan, who had great textures and flavors.

And the winner is Stefan. He says this is 5 wins back to back for him. He gets no immunity, but he’ll get a “useful advantage” in the elimination.

* Hosea bitches some more about Stefan. Because he’s a girl. A whiny, baldy, cheaterpants, bitchy little girl.

* Padma then tells tem that she has to set up the kitchen for the challenge, but there will be a surprise for them in the stew room. Fabio tells us “We been told that in the stew room there eez a present for us? A dog?” Omigod, I wish it was a dog. That would be awesome.

Alas, no. It’s chef’s jackets with their names and the number 5 (for season 5) on the back.

They come back to the kitchen, and there are football helmets everywhere. I notice there are no Cardinals helmets. Because the Cardinals suck.

* Fabio tells us “We go back to the kitchen an’ there are football ‘elmet everywhere. I theenk my challenge eez gonna be cook something, but I wish my challenge was gonna be just put one of those ‘elmet on an’ jus’ knock somebody off.” After watching the actual challenge, I kind of wish that too.

* Padma announces that their elimination challenge is “Top Chef Bowl” and introduces the opposition. Carla tells us they’re “past season all stars”. Ahhhh. . .they’re from past seasons all right, but I’d have to dispute designating them as “All Stars.” Except for Andrew, Spike, and Miguel, none of these people made it very far. Hell, Spike and Miguel are the only ones who even made it to Restaurant Wars.

* Anyway, the “All Stars” are Andrew from Season 4; Josie from Season 2; Andrea from Season 1; Spike from Season 4; Camille from Season 3; Nikki from Season 4; and Miguel, aka “Chunk Le Funk” from Season 1. And we go to commercial.

* Back. Padma explains that each of them will compete against an “all star” in a head to head cook off featuring the regional cuisine of one of the teams—Miami; Greenbay; Dallas; Seattle; New York Giants; San Francisco; and New Orleans.

* As winner of the Quick Fire, Stefan gets to pick his team and his competitor. He chooses the Cowboys and Andrea. This is, as Fabio points out, a good decision. Andrea was kicked out second in Season One, then brought back after another woman had to drop out. She ended up being kicked out again 6th, which isn’t bad, but still. She also has a reputation for doing all healthy/vegetarian stuff, which might seem to be a drawback in representing Dallas.

* The rest of them huddle up to divide the other teams. Fabio says “Padma gives us five meenuts to huddle up an seence the fact that I have no idea what’s going on een the F-L life, I peecked whatever they decided to don’ peeck. Wheech eez the Green Bay Packers. Welcome to the country of opportunities. Opportunities to make sometheen’ new for me?”

Anyway, the other match ups are as follows.

Miami: Jeff vs. Josie
Packers: Fabio vs. Spike
Seattle: Hosea Miguel
Giants: Leah vs Nikki
San Francisco: Jamie vs Camille
New Orleans: Carla vs Andrew. Carla is psyched because apparently Andrew is some sort of personal idol for her. Add this to the list of things that I find odd about Carla.

* Padma tells them that tomorrow they’ll compete at the Institute of Culinary Education. They’ll have 20 minutes to create their dish with the ingredients provided. Anyone who loses their head to head will be eligible for elimination. They have 2 hours today to look over their ingredients and prep.

* Jamie worries that this might be where she goes home. Now we know she’s not going home—anyone who worries they’re going home is pretty much safe. Jeff talks about how he and Josie both know the flavors of Miami. Hosea criticizes Miguel for doing something that’s been done, and Miguel interviews “I think that season 5 better be fully aware that the All Stars didn’t come here to play patty cake. I wish them the best of luck but I tell you they ain’t never be able to outbeat their grandfathers.”

. . . . .Outbeat. . . . .their. . . .grandfathers?????

* Fabio worries about the time constraints, but then says “I’m a professional chef. There eez nothing that can stretch [stress] me out. Eef they gonna give me a monkee ass to feel with the fry’ banana, I gonna come up weeth someteeng anyway. Eez not a problem.”

I would like to point out that this is the second preparation of Monkey Ass Fabio has offered us--last week he offered to serve us Monkey Ass with Empty Clam Shells. When you add Jeff's uncontrolable Creative Monkeys into the mix, we've got quite the motif going on.

* Carla has some sort of insane plan to make gumbo in 20 minutes. Andrew interviews “Dear Season 5. If you don’t bring your A game, you’re gonna get fucking stomped. And I will be peeing on your bodies.” Aw, it’s nice to know that being removed from the stress of the competition hasn’t made Andrew any less creepy or insane.

* Back! Spike puts on a helmet and high fives Fabio. Jamie talks about how the “All Stars” are clowning around and trying to intimidate them. Then there’s some horsing around. Oh, that was the tease. Commercial.

* Commercials for The Beast really freak me the fuck out. It's like incurable cancer turned Patrick Swayze into this really intense, talented actor. . . .who can gouge your eyes out and skull fuck you with the power of his mind.

* Back. Day of elimination. Hosea wants their team to show they have the best skills of any season yet (they don’t) but feels it’s more important that he win his individual challenge.

* Fabio rolls out of his top bunk, saying “I’m thirty years ol’ an I have to sleep een the bunky bed.” Then he talks about wanting to win for his sick Mama. Carla meditates and thinks about proving she has what it takes.

* At the Institute of Culinary Education, Padma enters in a “sexy referee” top, and explains the rules. There will be two chefs in each round. The chefs that win the judges’ vote get 7 points. The chefs that get the vote of the 5 member audience panel get 3 points. I think this has something to do with football.

* They pan the audience, and I realize the axed chefs are there. How nice that they give them something to do now that they’ve been kicked out of the competition. Sitting around the Sequester Apartment staring at each other and rehashing what you did wrong must get really boring after awhile.

* Round one is Leah v. Nikki playing for New York. The axed chefs root for their season-mates. Leah hears that Nikki is doing chicken livers, assumes is in bag.

* Nikki’s dish is Chicken Livers w/ Onions and Goat Cheese on Challa, while Leah has made New York Strip Steak with Creamed Corn, Snap Peas, and Arugula Salad. Leah gets 3 of the 4 judges’ votes, so she gets 7 points. However, Nikki gets 3 of the 5 fans. So the score is 7-3, Season 5 in the lead.

* Next up is Hosea v. Miguel in the Battle for Seattle. Hosea thinks Miguel is doing too much work. Miguel makes Cedar Plank Salmon with Noodles and Mushrooms. Hosea makes Crispy Salmon Roll with Ginger Blackberry Sauce. Hosea gets all of the judges but Tom and all but one of the fans, so he gets all 10 points.

* Round Three is Carla vs. Andrew, New Orleans style. Carla spouts her usual nonsense about putting the love in but doing it quickly. “Quick Love” she calls it. Isn’t that a show on HBO? About the zany polygamous chef and her three wives?

* Anyway, Andrew’s dish is Crayfish Crudo with Spicy Lime Vinaigrette, and Carla’s is Crawfish and Andouille Gumbo over Stone Ground Grits. Carla gets all of the judges’ points, but only one of the fans’ points. So the score is 24-6, Season 5.

* Next we have Stefan vs. Andrea, with Dallas. Andrea makes some comment about liking her chili hot, like her men, and Stefan declares his love for her. So fickle. Poor Jamie. Andrea’s dish is Tex Mex Chili with Fried Corn Chips and Guacamole Coleslaw. Stefan’s is Roasted Pork with Coleslaw and New York Steak with Corn Salad.

They split the judges votes, and Andrea gets all the fans, so they reward her the full 10 points. This is one of the reasons I think the points system is bullshit—if they split the judges’ vote, no one should get the 7 points that represents. You shouldn’t use the audience vote to tiebreak the judges’ vote AND to account for 3 points of its own.

Stefan’s response is similar to mine—publicly, he’s a gentleman, but then he gives an interview where he says something like “Fah shit dick.” Exactly.

Also, can I add that I love Stefan a little more each week? His competitors (cough*Hosea and Radhika*cough) may think he's an asshole; I think he's charming and they're weak, jealous, pussies.

* Backstage, Andrew does a fairly hilarious imitation of Stefan as one of the “pump you up” guys from Saturday Night Live in the ‘90s, and then Hosea gloats about Stefan getting beat. God, what a fucking dickbag. Commercial.

* Back! We pick up with Jamie vs. Camille in San Francisco. Camille makes Miso Sweet Potato Mash with Mustard Crab Meat and Salad. Jamie’s is Crab Cioppino with Olives, Basil and Toasted Sourdough. Ok, I haven’t said this a lot this season, but: I would NOM that. But I would pretty much NOM anything involving crab and sourdough bread, so there you go.

The Judges are split again, but Jamie gets the fan vote and the score is 34-16, Season 5.

* Jeff meets Josie in Miami. He rides down her presentation, and talks about how what she’s making isn’t really ceviche. Her dish is Warm Rock Shrimp Ceviche with Papaya. Jeff’s is Rock Shrimp Ceviche with Sangria Sorbet. Oooh, sangria sorbet sounds good. Alas, Josie gets 3 of the 4 judges and 3 out of 5 fans. 34-26.

* Finally, we get Fabio vs. Spike for Green Bay. Fabio tells the crowd “I weel bee cookeen venison in honor of the hunteen things that eez goin on een Weesconsin, an’ some salad weeth a stone froot an a cheddar cheese een honor of the cheese making that eez going on een Wisconsin.” He later wins me over even further by saying of Spike “eef your food eez beeg like your mouth, youll ween eet for sure.”

* Spike makes Five Spice Venison with Port Reduction and Micro Herb Salad. Fabio makes Venison with Mustard Sauce and Mache Salad with Cheddar.

Spike gets 3 of the four judges; Fabio gets 4 of the 5 fans. Final Score is 37-33, Season 5.

*Fabio celebrates: “Feeld Goal! You not gonna get these one! FAH! Home Spike-- loose eet!”

* Padma congratulates the chefs, thanks the “All Stars,” and tells the Season 5 chefs they’ll see them at Judges table. Commercial.

Just to get this off my chest, I hate the supersized shows. Hate them. I have yet to see anything in any one of them that made me glad it was an extra 15 minutes long.

* Back. Stew room. Leah rides Stefan about losing to Andrea. Hosea talks about how the three chefs in the bottom are good, and one of them going will improve his chances in the finale. Dickbag.

* Padma calls in the winners and congratulates them for winning Top Chef Bowl. Toby Young tells Carla he could taste the love this time. Um, ew. They all get compliments, and it’s really boring.

* The winner is Carla. She gets two tickets to the Super Bowl, and it’s only then that I put it together that the Super Bowl is on NBC, which owns Bravo. This is a perfect example of synergy. Jack Donnaghy would be so proud.

* And then Carla does some crazy talking again, and calls back the losers.

* Fabio defends his meat and says that it over cooked from resting on the hot cabbage. It gets kind of pissy between him and the guest judge—they’re like two steps from shaking their cocks at each other.

* Stefan is told his dish was uninspired, and called out for choosing Andrea because he thought she’d be weak.

* Jeff complains about getting beaten by “hot bean ceviche” and says he did 19 more things than Josie.

* Deliberation. Tom points out that these are 3 of the strongest competitors. Fabio’s dish was ill considered. Tom points out that Jeff’s dish wasn’t ceviche any more than Josie’s was. Commercial.

* Oh my god, this was a great premise for an episode, but why is it taking so ungodly long?

* Back Tom recaps everything we just spent a soul killing 75 minutes watching. Jeff’s was watered down; Stefan’s flavors weren’t strong; Fabio overcooked the venison.

* Jeff is told to Pack His Knives and Go. Boooo.

Fabio tells the judges that he appreciates the second chance. I kind of feel like this means Fabio is going home next week, because we don’t generally see people talking after the Judges’ reach their decision.

* Jeff tells us that he is beat up about how he lost; he expected Fabio to go home. He admits that he has a problem with keeping it simple, but that is who he is. He wants to be remembered as someone who went down fighting and gave it his best. He’s more than disappointed with himself—this will stick with him at least a decade. Which. . ..wow, dude. It’s a TV show. Don’t let it stay under your skin so long.

* Next: RIPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eels! Chef pants! Somethings gone very wrong. Obi Wan Kenobe?

My self indulgence: let me show it to you.

To spare you all my thoughts on the WaPo food section's RIDICULOUS choice of pizza as the food to represent Phoenix in their Super Bowl article,* and to delay subjecting you to the multi-page, multi-video screed agains the lady in the Glade commercials that's been fermenting in my brain for months now, I've decided to participate in this interview thing that's been making the rounds lately.

So Freckled K came up with 5 questions for me, and I'll put up the following instructions for those of you who want to play along because you're also lingering in a creative void or trying not to write about advertising:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

But now let's talk about me. . . .

1) Marry/Boff/Kill – Spike, Sandra Lee, The Midget Mac Insult Guy?

So first, I'm going to kill Insult Guy. No hesitation--he's the only one who actually has a negative impact on my life. If he got close enough to my house that I could shoot him for trespassing (and if I still lived in a state where it was legal to shoot people for trespassing. . . and if I had a gun. . . ) I would do it.

Beyond that, it's harder, and it depends largely on what the "marry" entails. Can it be an entirely sexless marriage of convenience? Or does marrying someone mean you're going to have to boff them on the regular?

Because I absolutely do not want to boff Sandra Lee. I'm already afraid of nipples, and since hers are down around her knees, they'd be even scarier. And if I married her and had an entirely sexless marriage of convenience, I could come home every night to a tasty beverage--perhaps a Bananas Foster cocktail.

But I also know that her pronunciation would drive me crazy very quickly, and that I'd end up killing her if she tried to cook. And I'm only allowed to kill one person.

So I'd have to say I'd boff her once and get it over with. And then I'd marry Spike. Because if it can be an entirely sexless marriage of convenience, I'd rather have delicious burgers waiting for me every night than sugar laden cocktails. And if I have to have sex with the person I marry. . ..well, I'd just prefer that they had a cock.

Really, the ideal scenario would be one in which I married both, slept with neither, and we all lived together in a happy polygamous union of burgers and cocktails. We'd adopt children from abroad, and teach them how to wear hats and overdecorate tables.

(related: don't forget that Spike is among the "All Stars" appearing on tonight's Top Chef. Also, I'm tempted to take some Wednesday and go down to Good Stuff and watch Spike Twitter the show. Maybe I'll start a Twitter account just so I can Twitter him Twittering)

2) Why do you think that Teddy never gets to win the race? Is it a conspiracy?

Actually, it's just bad management. As with so many other things, the Nationals didn't do their research carefully on the Presidents' race. They saw that Roosevelt had polio, and decreed that there was no way Teddy should win.

3) If you were offered a $100,000 (tax-free!) to never eat bacon again, would you?

Yes. But I say this on the assumption that there's no way that the entity giving me the $100,000 can possibly monitor my eating habits at all times, and that I will be able to eat all the bacon I want as long as it's a) in the privacy of my own home; b) not purchased with a credit card; and c) brought to me by well meaning bacon-smuggling friends who will be in for a cut of the dough.

Then I will sit in my home NOM-ing my smuggled bacon with my middle fingers in the air going "screw you, meat facists!" and knowing I put one over on the man.

4) Of all the insulting nicknames you’ve created for your blog subjects, which are you most proud of?


Fun fact: on the long list of "posts I keep meaning to write but don't" is one that teaches you how to invent your own insulting nicknames for people.

I'm tempted to say "C-Nugget," both because I know it's beloved of everyone, and because I occasionally wear it on my boobs, and because it actually turned up in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. (Good movie, BTW). No shit--I'm sitting in the theatre, enjoying the movie, and then Seth Rogen calls someone a Cunt Nugget.

At which point I stand up, point at the screen, and yell "J'accuse, Seth Rogen! Cunt Nugget is MINE!"

Or, you know. The first part.

So I'm going to have to go with "TaintMonster;" "TwatWaffle;" or "Skeezy McVadgeChin."

All of which, harking back to question 1, are great things to call your hubs when he forgets to take out the trash or acts like a misogynist asscanker.

5) In the made-for-TV movie of your life, who would you like to play you?

I know you're all expecting me to say Katie Holmes, but you're WRONG. Katie Holmes will never play me in a made-for-TV-movie. This is because a) we look nothing alike; b) Katie Holmes thinks she's too big for a made-for-TV-movie; and c) Katie Holmes can't act.

And also d) the role has been taken. For years. Back in high school, when Sarah Michelle Gellar was playing Kendall on All My Children, my best friend's mother was obsessed with how much she looked like me.

She didn't. I mean, I guess there may've been a "Passport Similarity" in that we were both the same age, caucasian, female, had long-ish brown hair and brown eyes, and parted our hair on the same side. And now--now that she's a 5'2" blonde who weighs somewhere under a buck, and I'm a 5'6" brunette who weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of a buck twenty seven--there's even less of a resemblance.

But nonetheless, because of Mrs. S, Sarah Michelle Gellar has had a lock on portraying me in all made-for-TV-movies since 1993.

I hope we can find a way to incorporate convincing stuntwork. Maybe she can get into a street fight with Insult Guy (played by Midget Mac). Or she can leave Arizona and move to DC because of the vampires. Yeah, that's it. The vampires.

*Fuck you, Reitz. You're a loser. NO ONE associates pizza with Phoenix, and Pizzeria Bianco is not that great. Would it have killed you to make something with a Mexican or Native American influence? Or at least to fucking talk to someone from Arizona before you made such a stupid decision, which is clearly nothing more than a sad excuse to get pizza on your menu. Fry Bread House or nothing, asshole.

The people that you meet, when you're walking down the street

I've lived in Columbia Heights for a little over 6 years now. In that time, I've seen a lot of changes in the neighborhood (well, hello, retail stores and fancy gastropubs) and seen a lot of interesting characters come and go.

There's one person who's been a fixture in my neighborhood for pretty much the whole time I've lived here. I saw him from afar before I ever encountered him. He was hard to miss--he was always riding a beat up old bicycle in a weaving pattern through the streets, usually while carrying a radio of the sort that was known in my youth as a "ghetto blaster."

I admired the balance that this feat took, and was intrigued by the fact that he seemed to be "blasting" gospel music. He was an interesting figure.

And then I started hearing things. Friends started referring to him as "that jerk with the radio;" "that guy who rides around with his radio insulting people;" and finally "the insult guy."

The Insult Guy told my bald friends that they were bald. He told friends who were self conscious about their weight that they were fat. If he saw you getting into a car, he insulted your car. He told one couple that they were nothing but "a dumb pretty boy and an old fatty," and that their relationship wouldn't last*. If nothing else, he'd go after your clothes.

But still, I was intrigued. And then I had my first encounter with him.

It was that one time when I didn't have syphilis. I was walking back from the train, having just had a traumatic day at the hospital, and already planning to go home and drown my sorrows in whatever leftover pie I could find.

And then I heard gospel music weaving its way up the street toward me. A figure on a bicycle made its way into view. And suddenly, I was eye to eye with Insult Guy.

He braked his bike and looked me over--the whole bedraggled, bespotted, bespectacled package. "You look like shit," he said. "I look awesome."

My mouth fell open. He rode on up the street to find more people to insult. I went home to eat my weight in pie.

I thought at the time that what made Insult Guy's insult so potent was its absolute truth--I had a pink rash, wasn't wearing my contacts or make-up, hadn't washed my hair, and was heading home to wait on the results of a syphilis test. I did look like shit.

But then we had our next run-in, and the theory of "his power is in his honesty" was shot to hell.

It was a year or so later. Once again, I was walking through the neighborhood. I was on my way to the Metro so I could meet friends--I believe for shopping and brunch--and I looked cute.

Once again, I heard a chorus of Alleluias snaking its way down the street toward me. Oh dear, I thought. And sure enough, soon Insult Guy was pulling up level with me.

This time, he didn't brake to a stop. He just called out his insult as he passed. "Your shades is broke," he informed me. "My shades is awesome."


Again, my jaw dropped. Now, I'm not a label whore for the most part, but for many years now I've had a singular allegiance to Chanel sunglasses. So the shades that Insult Guy deemed "broke" were a pair of mock tortoise 5064b's.

His shades? The shades that were awesome?

Blueblockers.

Oh yes. Blueblockers. As in "My name is Geek, I put 'em on as a shocker/ yeah, I love me some Blueblockers."

After that, I didn't see Insult Guy for awhile. I heard he was still around, but was spared further run-ins with him. And the peculiar sting of his insults--both accurate and delusional--began to fade.

Then last winter, I was driving home one afternoon, and trying to find a place on or near my street to park my car. Coming from the west and looking to either side of the street, I almost missed the figure lurching toward me from the east.

When I did see it, I almost screamed. I thought I was having some sort of hallucination because how else--how else????--could one explain seeing what appeared to be a malevolent dwarf approaching in broad daylight?

I parked my car and got out just as the figure came level with me. And it was then I realized. . .it was Insult Guy.

Insult Guy was a little person (it may help to imagine him as a mean version of Midget Mac from I Love New York 2). And I hadn't realized this until he got down off of his bike.

He glared at me as he passed. "My bike got stole, but I'm still fresher than you!" He told me.

Gaping, I went into my house. Did this make things better or worse? Was the story of Insult Guy more poignant or more hilarious because he appeared to be suffering from some sort of dwarfism? Was this why he was so angry at the world and had to aggrandize himself all the time?

Somehow, it made him even more interesting as an anecdote, and I shamelessly trotted him out at parties for the rest of the year. Friends found my tales of his antics--complete with ghetto blaster and Blueblockers--hilarious. M.A. compared him to something from a Fellini film.

On Saturday, I was once again looking for a parking space in my neighborhood. I turned onto the nearest side street, and saw a familiar figure on a bicycle.

My first thought was "oh, he got a new bike!"

My second was "thank god he's already halfway down the street."

My third was "holy shit, is he doubling back? Is he doubling back just to insult me???"

Indeed, he was. As I took my packages out of the trunk of my little blue roadster, he informed me of the following three facts:

1. "Your car look cheap an' ugly."
2. "My bike is fresh. I can tell you jealous, princess."
3. "An' my hair look better than yours too."

Now, on the first count, I will fully admit that my car was a hand-me-down and needs a wash, badly. On the second, I'm sure his new bike is "fresh" compared to his old bike or to having to wash, but I'm not necessarily jealous.

The third is patently false, and that's really what got to me. Insult Guy has short cornrows. I shell out a fair number of ducats every eight weeks for a really damn good haircut--so good, in point of fact, that people have taken pictures of me to their hairdressers to get the same thing. There is no way his hair looks better than mine.

Fuming, I turned on my heel and was about to scream at him. "You are an unemployed midget on a bicycle," I wanted to say. "You don't even have your ghetto blaster any more, and your clothes haven't been washed since the Clinton era."

But somehow, I restrained myself, and shrugged. "Have a good time," is what came out instead.

He seemed startled. "You too," he said automatically.

It was only as I walked away that he seemed to realize that there was no way that qualified as an insult. So after a pause of about fifteen or twenty seconds, he added a halfhearted "bitch."

* On this count, Insult Guy seems to have been somewhat prescient.

Top Chef: Restaurant Bores

Oh, look. Radhika
Didn’t make curry for once
And she went home.

I don’t. . ..I can’t.. . . bah. Just bah.

I’m not sure where to start with this one, puffins. Because Bravo has done something I never thought would be possible. They took Restaurant Wars, expanded the episode to an hour and fifteen minutes, added infidelity and noisy kissing, and made it . . .

UNBELIEVABLY BORING AS SODDING HELL.

Seriously. I can’t even muster any outrage about this episode because it was all I could do to pay attention to it.

I’m kind of sorry Radhika went home, partly because she didn’t irritate me nearly as much in this episode as she had in the past, but mostly because I’d like to kick Leah and Hosea in the face (and most of you, apparently, feel the same way. I find it interesting, BTW, that Little Miss Cheater got 26 hate votes, while Senor Cheaterpants only got 10. I can only hope that you all didn’t realize I’d opened the option to vote for more than one person, because otherwise. . . you’re kind of a bunch of sexist jerks. They're both horrible cheating douchebags--why's he getting off comparatively easy?).

But anyway, beyond that I have nothing much to say about this episode. So lets just get the 6 pages of nothing much I wrote underway so we can get on with our lives.

* Morning! Chefpartment! Jamie does dishes and various people reflect on it being halfway through the competition. Carla talks about psychological warfare and how Leah and Hosea threw Ariane under the bus. Radhika adds that Leah and Hosea had a hand in sending Ariane home. And then we get this awesome bit of dialogue.

Stefan: What’s the first thing you’ll do when you get home?
Hosea: See my girlfriend.
Stefan: (as Leah comes out to the patio) Morning, Leah!

See, it’s funny, because Hosea has a girlfriend, and it’s not Leah. Leah is just some piece of ass he’s taken up with while he’s away for a couple of months.

* Then Leah does a bitchy commentary about how it’s all Ariane’s fault for not sticking up for herself. Ok, whatever, FilthTits, but if you’d done anything approximating a fucking tablespoon’s worth of work in the first place, you might not have lost and she wouldn’t have had to stick up for herself.

* Quickfire! They enter the kitchen to find Padma and Stephen Starr, the owner of Starr Restaurants. Padma says “it’s time. . .for Top Chef’s. . .restaurant wars.” Her pauses are even more distracting than usual here.

* Stefan interviews that “Restaurant Wars is a big deal in the restaurant world. It’s huge, because you look like an idiot if you fuck it up.”

* For the quickfire, they have to do a tasting for Stephen—create one dish to showcase their concept for a restaurant. Stephen will pick his two favorites. The winners won’t get immunity, but they’ll be the chef owner of the restaurants.

* Fabio: “Eez gonna be a hot, bloody, nasty war. Een love an’ war, you are allowed to do everything.” Oh, hello, super hotness. In love and war you should, in fact, be allowed to do everything. Rowr (or, as Liz Lemon might say, “cat noise!).

Also, That? What Fabio just said? Should be on the t-shirt for this season. Fuck all this Team Rainbow/I heart Padma nonsense—get me the “in love and war, you are allowed to do everything” in a women’s small.

And just in case you’re keeping track: 9 weeks. Not. Fucking. Old.

* The chefs have 30 minutes and access to everything in the kitchen. Food frenzy. At one point it seems like Fibio can’t open the refrigerator. Hosea is thinking about a seafood restaurant with a latin/Mediterranean feel. Jeff is doing “perfect American cuisine.”

* Leah grabs red snapper that “smells like ass, it’s pretty skanky.” Yeah, you know what skanky smells like, don’t you, you Lazy Waffle Toasting Bitch Cow. You smell skanky in the mirror every morning. . .

. . .wait, that doesn’t make sense. I’m so tired from the extra 15 minutes of the show that I’m not coherent. The basic message of that line was supposed to be: Leah is a skank.

* Anyway, Fabio is doing a lunch; Radhika talks about how quickfires are never fun, which makes it even more impressive that she’s won two. Jamie actually doesn’t want to win the quickfire because “the leader of restaurant wars usually goes down.” This is a common but untrue (until tonight) belief. Let me break it down for you: in season one, Miguel (not the leader) went home for trying to be “Top Sous Chef.” In season two, Mikey (not the leader) went home for not doing enough. In seasons three and four, yes, the team leader of the losing teams went home, but it’s far from a given.

But I digress (as usual). On to the food.

* Carla’s concept is homey rustic foods that celebrate the season. She has made Cod Seared in Tomato Oil with Italian Salsa and a Mache Green Salad. Hosea’s tasting is Shrimp with Morel Mushroom Cream Sauce, Garlic Potato Puree and Poached Asparagus. His fuck buddy, Leah, has prepared Tempura Poussin with Dashi, Soy Sauce and Rice Wine Vinegar. Her idea for a restaurant is “Asian Inspired.” Ugh. The only way you could be less specific about a restaurant idea would be if you pitched it as “food centric.”

To no one’s surprise, Stefan’s theme is “Euro-American.” His dish is Fried White Asparagus with Trout; Asparagus salad; and White Asparagus Soup. Jeff has made Grilled Salmon with Sunchoke and Artichoke Puree, Grilled Corn and Asparagus Salad.

Then we come to Radhika, who informs us “my background is Indian but my restaurant would be globally influenced.” Sorry, Leah, I take it back. “Globally Influenced” is, in fact, less specific than “Asian Inspired.” Her dish is Pan Seared Cod, Butter Braised Corn, Spinach and Chorizo with Cream Sauce.

Finally, we have Jamie who has made Chilean Sea Bass with Creamed Corn, Bacon, Peas and Garlic Scape. The Sandra Lee fan in me wonders if a Garlic Scape is anything like a Tablescape. And Fabio has made a Tuna and Swordfish Carpaccio, Roasted Vegetable Salad, and a Filet Mignon Sandwich.

The last component causes some strife. Stephen Starr calls it cheesesteak, which Fabio goes along with in the scene. In interview, though, he deadpans “Eez not a cheesesteak. Eez feelay meenyon san’wich. End of story.”

* The Bottom two are Jeff, whose salmon failed to blow Stephen Starr away, and Fabio, whose lunch was similarly uninspiring. And because this is apparently “torture and kill Jordan week,” the top two are Radhika and Leah, who will get to be “chef owners” of the restaurants for Restaurant Wars. Commercial

* Back. Leah and Radhika choose teams. Radhika starts by choosing Jamie, and Leah takes Hosea. No one is surprised by this, and he gives the same interview about how they have chemistry but it can’t turn into anything because they both have significant others. Having listened to some variation of it for nine weeks, this speech, unlike Fabio’s accent, is getting totally old. Stefan says it will be a problem that Leah is choosing friends before business.

* The choosing continues. Radhika: Carla. Leah.: Fabio. Finally, Radhika chooses Jeff because she hates Stefan because he’s arrogant. Stefan could give a shit about not being selected, and ends up on Leah’s team.

* The leaders are given their guest books and itineraries. Today they’ll plan menus, shop for décor, and choose linens. Tomorrow they’ll have $3000 to spend at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods, and 6 hours to prep.

* Radhika’s team comes up with the name Sahanna, which is Sanskrit for strong, powerful, and withstanding. No one wants to be in the front of house, so Radhika gets stuck with it.

* On the other team, Fabio gets front of house because he doesn’t cook Asian food regularly. Hosea frets about Leah getting “run over by the Fabio-Stefan machine.” Seriously, I’d rather get run over by the Fabio-Stefan machine on the regular than have to deal with Hosea and his gross chin landing strip and manky teeth drooling on me.

* Shopping! They hit Pier One with $5000, and buy a lot of ethnic looking crap. Which. . .really is all you can do at Pier One, regardless of budget, so it's hard to make it sound exciting.

* Back to the Chefpartment for some menu planning. Leah’s team is looking for dishes that will be “pretty, small, tight, and sexy.” Stefan interviews that Leah needs a couple more years of ass kicking. Leah lets herself get run over by the Fabio-Stefan Machine, and walks away.

* Sahanna meeting. Carla is worried about not being comfortable with the food. Radhika is giving Jamie a lot of responsibility, and she’s taking it. Jamie is worried that Jeff can’t focus his ideas.

* Leah is worried about Stefan not telling them what his desserts are. Hosea thinks Stefan is looking to sabotage people. Urm. . .maybe he’s just looking to cook and not get pulled into your boring, junior high bullshit, doucheboy.

* And then there’s porn music. Seriously, porn music. Leah and Hosea are making out on a couch, despite all their talk about significant others. I mean full on making out, with noisy kisses and deep sighs. Yeah, now I’m not hungry. In fact—oh yeah, I’m going there—this scene gets my VOM for the episode. Commercial.

* Back. Everyone’s waking up. Hosea reminds us that he and Leah “ended up kissing” and that he regrets that, and that he loves his girlfriend. Ok, I’m going to call bullshit on this. No one really just “ends up” kissing. Your lips don’t get pulled into the gravitational pull of the other person’s face or anything. No matter how spontaneous it seems; no matter whether set out that morning planning to pin that other person to the wall just out of sight of the rest of your party or somehow thought your way around to that as s/he kept subtly putting her fingers near my. . . I mean his/her mouth throughout the course of the evening, at some point, one or both of you made a conscious decision. Always.

* Leah feels weird about what happened last night, and realizes that she’s just fucked up her relationship. On TV. Ha-ha, cowface. Stefan finds the tension between them distracting. So do we all, Stefan. So do we all.

* Shopping! Radhika and Carla go to Whole Foods; Jamie and Jeff go to Restaurant Depot. On the other side, Fabio and Leah go to Whole Foods while Hosea and Stefan go to Restaurant Depot. You’ll notice that this is the first time in the entire series that Leah and Hosea haven’t acted like they were Siamese twins joined at the crotch.

* Hosea and Stefan name Leah’s restaurant “Sunset Lounge.” Hosea doesn’t think anyone in the restaurant business has come up with such a solid concept in 24 hours. Bitch, please. It sounds like a strip club. It sounds like a shitty, smoke filled strip club in an economically depressed area. In fact, I’m pretty sure I pass the Sunset Lounge on the 301 when I drive out to SoMD to see my family. I’ve heard they have a one legged stripper there, and at least five girls who are always heavily pregnant.

* Shopping frenzy. Jeff talks about how he has the right flavors. I read that in my notes after the episode was over, and decided it should be the beginning of an elaborate musical production number. "I have the right flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavors! For your love to saaaaaaaaaaaaavor!" And then he breakdances.

Um, anyway. They can’t find any lamb shanks, until Jeff finds two miracle boxes in the freezer, but Jamie’s worried about the fact that they’re frozen. Leah has to make a fish substitution—black cod instead of red snapper. Oh my god, it’s all so endless. They totally need an elaborate musical production number just to make this bearable.

* They all turn up at Bridgewater Restaurant. Food and setting up frenzy. They go through the menus, which we’ll deal with later. Radhika has named Jamie her chef de cuisine so she can concentrate on front of house.

* Leah gives another interview about the awkwardness between her and Hosea, and she says “I’ve never even cheated on a boyfriend before.” The emphasis is weird—like cheating is something minor compared to whatever she and Hosea did. On that note, Hosea tells us “Leah and I flirted a little too much last night.” Bitch, please. Flirting a little too much is when you have a girlfriend and you take another girl's number. Last night, you scrubbed her esophagus with your tongue.

* More cooking. Dear god. Jamie thinks the lamb is ok; Leah can’t get the small bones out of her fish. Hosea is “shocked” that she portioned the fish before boning it.” Carla’s frozen yogurts aren’t freezing. Stefan’s stuff is also not freezing.

* One hour left. Jamie is freaked out about service. Their waiters show up. Carla asks Radhika about her desserts, and gets pissed when she refuses to make decisions. Hosea gets into a time crunch. Leah hasn’t even seen what her restaurant looks like. Jeff feels like “a hummingbird on cocaine.”

* Out in the Sunset Gentleman’s Club, Fabio is wearing the best Miami Vice suit ever. He gives another hilarious interview that saves the episode: “I’m takeen’ the prize home tonight. I run the front of the house. We can serve monkee ass an ‘ empty clam shell, we gon’ win dis one.”

My next cooking post will be monkey’s ass and empty clam shells. If anyone knows where in DC I can find monkey’s ass, let me know (I mean, we all know monkey's brains are not commonly found in Washington, DC, but surely the ass is easier to get your hands on. Heh heh). Commercial!

* Back! The diners start filing in and are welcomed to either Sahanna or the Champagne Room. Erm, I mean Sunset Lounge. Service starts, and Jamie goes a little Alpha Chef on their wait staff. It’s actually kind of awesome.

* The judges enter Sahanna, which is all red table cloths and plaster animals. Here’s what they’re served:

Whole Wheat Naan Bread with Garlic Oil. There seems to be a flavor problem, because Toby Young asks if it’s French Toast.

Their first real course is Curried Carrot Soup with Smoked Paprika Pil and Raita, or Chickpea Cake with Seared Scallop, Masala Tomato Sauce and Arugula Salad.

Tom thinks it’s really nice, and Stephen Starr likes the “cucumber thing at the end.” The diners also seem to like it.

As their mains, they’re served White Lentil Tabouli, Seared Snapper, Tomato Water and Pea Shoots, or a Cinnamon and Saffron Braised Lamb Shank on Israeli Cous Cous.

They like the lamb, but Toby compares the cous cous to dishwater. They’re less crazy about the snapper with tomato water.

Finally, for dessert they have their choice of Spiced Chocolate Cake, Crème Fromage and Cashew Brittle or Fig and Mint Frozen Yogurts with Baklava Cigars.

They are not impressed with the desserts. Toby Young makes a completely belabored comment comparing the desserts to Elvis’s career. And I’m back to wanting him to die.

* Radhika can’t deal with the influx of diners, who find her “intense,” and say she needs to relax. Jamie thinks Radhika’s spending too much time in the kitchen. The Judges agree that you need more of an extrovert and someone who doesn’t disappear to be front of house. They sneak out just to prove she’s not attentive. It’s kind of a dick move, but it’s also one of the only funny moments in the episode.

* Over in the Sunset Lounge, Leah is stressed while waiting for the judges, but Fabio is charming the shit out of the clientele. He seats the judges, and Starr immediately comments on Fabio being fabulous.

* They open with an amuse bouche of a Vegetable Roll with Mushrooms, Carrots, Cabbage and Sweet Chili Sauce. Tom claims he’s had frozen eggrolls that are better, but some woman diner says that she liked it, and it “amoozed her boosh.” Firstable, kiddo, way to recycle lines from ten year old episodes of Friends. Second, no one wants to hear about your boosh while they’re trying to eat.

The appetizers are Tuna and Salmon Sashimi, Radish Salad and Yuzu Vinegarette or Curry and Coconut Bisque with Shrimp Dumpling. Starr thinks the soup is ok, but Toby Young finds it too potent. Padma thinks the sashimi needs more salt.

The main courses are a choice of Braised Beef Short Ribs with Ginger Vegetables and Beef Demi Glace, or Seared Black Cod with Fresh Vegetables and Braised Cabbage. The judges like the short ribs, but find the cod undercooked. Stephen Starr chokes on it and compares it to a pickle.

Hosea interviews that ”the leader, our chef, our boss just sent out inedible fish to the judges. And all of the life force of our team just went out the window.” He smirks when he says this. Come on, you horrifying freak. The only thing less attractive than cheating on your girlfriend on national television is smirking when the girl you’re cheating on her with fails.

Finally, the Sunset Lounge dessert is either Chocolate Rice Parfait with Grapefruit Jelly and Pineapple or Lemongrass and Ginger Pana Cotta, Peaach Puree and Ginger Honey.

They like these desserts much better, and think they may be the best part of both meals. Tom says Stefan may have saved the team, and he definitely saved himself. As a finisher, they’re given a Fronzen Mango, Bitter Chocolate and Mint Lollipop. They love this too.

* The chefs speculate. Radhika is discouraged and feels like she’s going home. Carla thinks they may be on the bottom because of her. Leah isn’t happy with how she did, and knows that the only way she’s not going home is if the other team did worse.

* We get a comment card montage. Starr would choose Sahanna if it was a Sophie’s Choice situation, but the other judges add that the dessert and service were better at Sunset Lounge. Commercial.

* Back. Stew room. They all talk about the problems they had with technical difficulties in the kitchen. Padma calls in the Sunset Lounge team. Jeff’s expression says the same thing that escaped my lips at this: pure “Oh, fucking shit.”

* The Sunset Lounge team is told that the diners preferred them by a slight margin. Fabio is the biggest reason they were the winners and Stefan’s desserts also got compliments. Tom tells Leah that the cod was the worst thing they had all evening, and that she would’ve gone home if they’d lost.

* Stephen Starr announces that Stefan is the winner. He gets a suite of GE appliances just like the ones they use on Top Chef. I’ve kind of heard that this is no great prize—a lot of the past chefs have really dogged the GE appliances in interviews. The Sunset Lounge team is asked to send back the other team.

* Padma asks Sahanna what she thought went wrong. Radhika doesn’t know, and she describes who had what responsibilities, and says she didn’t conceive of any of the dishes.

* Jamie says she felt good about the food, and Stephen Starr tells her that he personally liked the food at their restaurant better, but the desserts were a failure.

* Carla explains what went wrong with her desserts, and admits to not being happy with what she put out, and does some crazy talk about how she sent out love with the dishes. It’s kind of insane and uncomfortable, and there’s some yelling on her part which just makes her look unhinged.

* Tom asks Radhika if she thinks she should go home, and she says “if it’s an issue with the front of house.” Tom gets on her for not taking responsibility as a leader. She admits to not being a leader.

* Ugh, it’s painful and boring—she keeps trying to deflect blame (it’s Carla; it’s the waiters) and Tom keeps calling her on it. They send Sahanna back to wait.

* Tom says Jeff and Jamie are safe. Radhika seems beat down and abdicated responsibility. Toby Young points out that if they’d been judged just on the food, the other team would’ve been in the bottom, so he doesn’t think it’s right to send Carla home. Tom points out that she failed on both desserts, and Toby Young agrees that Carla’s desserts reminded him why he normally forgoes the dessert course in “world cuisine” restaurants. And Stephen Starr points out what horrible, awful bullshit her “send out the love” answer was, and says he’d fire her on the spot if she gave that excuse in his restaurant. Commercial.

* Back. Tom sums up their problems. Radhika didn’t carry out her duties as a chef owner. Carla created a bad last impression of the restaurant.

* Ultimately, Radhika is told to pack her knives and go. She’s upset that she’s going home for being front of house because “it’s a cooking competition.” Then you should’ve cooked, dumbass. Remember? That thing you didn't do any of in this challenge? Bah. I am not sad to see her go. I'd rather have seen Leah go, yes, but I'm glad I don't have to waste any more energy on wishy-washy, passive aggressive Radhika.

* Next: Super Bowl! Past season chefs. Andrew! Spike! Fire! Miguel! Intimidation! Jamie looses her poise. Fabio talks back to a judge--doubtless in a way that is not at all old.

Dear Michelle and Sasha. . .

Thank you for wearing such bright colors yesterday. . .

. . . so that when I show these pictures to my grandchildren, I can say "this is the swearing in. The yellow spot is the first lady and the tiny pink spot is Sasha*. The president is that indistinct blur standing next to the first lady."

And they won't go "sure, Nana. Let me get you your meds, because you're clearly imagining things" when I explain that the next photographs in the set are the 44th President giving his inaugural address.

And maybe they'll even believe me when I tell them about all the cheering and crying, and everyone in our section singing "Na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye" when Bush was announced. They can always look it up on the interwebs.

(I have put a helpful purple X in the approximate area where I froze my toes off for several hours yesterday morning. If you saw red mittens being waved at you from back in front of the reflecting pool, that was me)

Thanks, and welcome to our city. Let me know if you need a hairdresser recommendation, or the dirt on which of the salesgirls at the Georgetown J. Crew are bitches or anything.

--Jordan.

* PS: Malia, we've got to talk. Dark blue? Too DC, too fast. Be a kid while you can, love.

Top Chef: With a bitch bitch here and a snipe snipe there. . .

Cougar can’t cook lamb
When she’s thrown under the bus
By asshole lovebirds.

(Before I go off on my usual bitter tear, can I just get an AMEN on how effing lovely Ariane looks in that picture? It’s just pure and timeless and it says home to me. You go, Ariane).

I have thoughts, smurflings. Lots of thoughts.

Firstable, Leah and Hosea have joined Radhika on my shit list. Everyone else in the cast I’m absolutely cool with. Those three I want to punch in the teeth. I can’t believe how they sat around with their thumbs up their asses and let their teams fail. I hope they’re all stuck working together next week, and that whatever bacon wrapped fish curry on toaster waffles they manage to whip up gets them stabbed and then sent home.

Second, Ariane. I’m sad to see her go, and I never thought I’d be saying that. I can’t say it any better than she did, but to see her do SO WELL after those rocky first two weeks has been really impressive. Further, she’s elevated every team she’s been on until now, and it sucks to see her get shafted by those two douchebags.

And then there’s Toby Young. Oy. My chief problem with him remains that most of his “snappy” remarks are so labored and overrehearsed—“it’s like an American movie where classically trained British actors are playing character roles, and they completely overshadow the leads.” Give me a fucking break. By the time you get to the punchline, I’ve entirely lost interest.

(You see how I did that, Toby Young? I just came right out and said it. I didn’t give it a twenty minute preface like “it’s like an Emo Phillips routine from the nineties, and he drones on and one in his peculiar voice about coleslaw and mice and the golden gate bridge, and I’m stuck there watching it on video tape at a slumber party and thinking ‘my friends like this stuff?’ and the joke goes on for so long that by the time he gets to the punchline, I’ve entirely lost interest.”)

But anyway, he’s getting better at it. Some of his remarks this week managed to create the illusion of spontaneity.

Finally, there’s Tom. I’m sorry, Tom, I love you, but if you spend another week talking about “honoring the proteins” and animals giving up their lives, I’ll punch my TV. Tom’s rhetoric this season sounds like he walked into a fourth grade class during the unit on Native Americans, and it’s driving me batty.

But let’s get on with the show.

* Morning! Stefan is doing something with wax paper, Jeff is once again shirtless, and Leah is drying her hair. Hosea is wearing an “I Heart Padma shirt.” Oh, and look! You can buy your own at BravoTV.com. Just what I always wanted—to dress like a bald asshole who fools around with some chick on a national television show despite having a girlfriend back home.

* Quickfire! They enter the kitchen to see Padma and season 3

winner, Hung, standing in front of . . .something that’s covered

with a big sheet. Jamie recalls that Hung is a fast chef. Fabio
remembers that he loves fish and thinks that the covered thing behind them is an aquarium.

* Padma says that as chefs, they’re used to working with the finest fresh ingredients. So for their quickfire, they’ll work with . . . .these! She Vanna’s the blanket off the table to reveal a shit ton of canned foods. Their task is to make the most delicious dish they can without fresh ingredients. In honor of superfast chef Hung, they have 15 minutes.

* Massive food flurry. Everyone starts grabbing shit. Fabio narrates: “Hosea, he try to grab the can-ned arteechoke from my hand. Eez like ‘aw, c’mon, I need just wan.’ Eez like ‘scroo you, I need botha dem.” Presumably one of those “eez” is an “is” and one a “he’s,” but I wouldn’t put money on which is which. Also? The accent? Not at all old.

* Radhika blathers about how she doesn’t ever used canned ingredients, and sneers “it’s something a housewife would use.” Hosea reluctantly gives Stefan some SPAM after bitching about how Stefan’s “boyfriend” denied him artichokes. Oh, awesome. You’re a cheating bald douchebag, a whiner, and kind of a homophobe. I loathe you more with every passing second.

So lets get to the dishes:

* Leah has made Waffles with Strawberries and Sausage. Seriously? She toasted a toaster waffle and fried up some sausages. She wants to be Top Chef with that? All I can say to that is:

And Hung says that it’s crunchy. He doesn’t seem to mean this in a good way.

* Moving on, Stefan presents Baked Bean and SPAM Soup with Grilled cheese and SPAM Sandwich. Fabio’s dish is Mac and Cheese with Roasted Artichoke and Chili Pepper. Hung likes the heat of the dish. Radhika’s is Spicy Red Bean Dip with Grilled Bread. Hosea’s is Sweet Pea Soup with SPAM, Onion Rings, Pork Rinds, and Hearts of Palm

* With something completely different, Jeff presents Deep Fried Baby Conch, Coconut Sauce, and a Pina Colada. On the flip side, Jamie has gone totally simple by making Bruschetta with Garbanzo Beans, Artichoke and Smoked Mussels. Ariane returns to Thanksgiving by making an Open Faced Turkey Spam Sandwich with Gravy and Cranberry Pineapple Chutney. Finally, Carla’s dish is an Asian Salmon Cake with Fried Green Beans and Lemongrass Ginger Mayo.

* Hung’s bottom three were Leah, who didn’t do much; Radhika, who pureed a can of beans and made toast; and Jamie who should’ve seasoned more. You would think that Leah and Radhika would take a lesson from coming out on the bottom due to lack of effort in the Quickfire and step up in the Elimination. You’d be wrong.

* The top three are Hosea, whose dish was balanced; Stefan, who made something Hung would eat at 3 a.m.; and Jeff, whose components married well. And the winner is. . .Stefan. Seriously? He made grilled cheese. Hosea is pissed, and wonders if he’d have immunity if he hadn’t given Stefan the SPAM.

* Padma thanks Hung and sends him off. Then she explains that for the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will go back to basics. They draw knives with pig, chicken, or lamb on them, and end up in teams of three.

* Their task is to create a delicious seasonal meal based around their protein. They’ll be cooking a family style lunch, including dessert, for 16 people per team.

* Team Chicken is Jamie, Stefan, and Carla. Jamie doesn’t want to work with Stefan again because he’s pushy. Commercial!

* Oooh. . .Restaurant Wars next Wednesday!!!!

* Back! The teams return to the chefpartment, and plan. Team Lamb is Leah, Hosea, and Ariane. Ariane is worried because Leah and Hosea are on the same page, and are leaving her out.

Over on Team Chicken, Stefan wants to do everything his way, and finds it totally cute that Jamie gets pissed off at him. Carla says she can’t create in that atmosphere.

* Finally, what should be my favorite team, Team Pork, is comprised of Fabio, Jeff and Radhika. Fabio describes their thought process: “They wanna seemple lunch. So we say ‘no Indian, no overthinking, no Italian, let’s come up with a plan that can work well with all of us.’”

* We see a time stamp that tells us it’s 11 p.m. Jamie tells Fabio to tell Stefan (she also, charmingly, refers to them as boyfriends) that she and Carla made some changes to the menu. Stefan refuses to hear about any changes. Someone calls someone else a douchebag. Jamie storms off.

* A new timestamp tells us it’s 5 a.m. Fabio verifies this, saying “Eez the morning of elimination. Looking outside, there is not even the sun.” Hosea doesn’t feel good about their dish and thinks they should make it more complicated and seasonal. Somehow he and Leah decide that roasted leg of lamb is more seasonal than grilled. Urrmmm . . .this was filmed at the height of summer. To me, grilled = summer. Roasted = winter. Hosea = dickbag.

*They leave to go shopping. No one on Team Chicken is talking to each other.

* The chefs drive for awhile. We know this both because we see a GPS that says “Ossining,” and because Fabio tells us: “We are driving now an’ there are booshes, trees everywhere, an’ I’m like ‘dozzin look like we are going to the Whole Foo’ Market.” Nope. They’re going to Dan Barber’s restaurant, Blue Hill at Stone Barns. Jamie tells us who Dan Barber is in the culinary world—you may also remember him as Richard’s “Adorkable” celebrity sous chef from the Season 4 finale.

* Dan Barber welcomes us to Stone Barn and introduces us to the head farmers, Jack Algiere (henceforth known as Old McHotty); Craig Haney (Old Mc Beardy); Shannon Algiere (Old McChick). They’ll be “shopping” with the teams.

* Jeff is nervous that they’ll have to restructure their menu since they’re shopping from the farm rather than from the market. But then they go out into the fields with their assigned farmers, and Jeff is all over the green tomatoes. Put the boy on a farm and suddenly he's happier than a pig in shit. Yay Jeff. He’s like the anti-Hosea/Leah. I actually like him more every week.

* We see more farm scenes, and then Fabio gives us his version of Tom’s insufferable “honor the animal that gave its life” spiel. He says “I am definitely not a vegetarian. But that don’ mean I don’ respeck another life. You born, you been rais-ed, and you get killed for the pork goods. But steel, een this lifetime process, you should get the respeck.”

I so totally agree, Fabio. I respect every life, especially those that get killed for the pork goods. Commercial!

* Mini scene. Jamie gets attacked by a chicken. Stefan calls himself the only cock in the stall with the girl chefs, the “chicken lady,” and 140 hens. Then he whispers “cock,” and giggles, and adds “I love that.” In doing so, he buys an enormous amount of my good will. I like him more every week too, even though the other chefs don’t seem to feel the same way.

Back! (finally). They walk in and find their proteins and a lot of produce. They have 3 hours to prep, so they start adapting their menus. Radhika can’t do the bread pudding they’d. planned because of the lack of figs. Um. . . .ok, that means she can’t do the fig bread pudding she’d planned to do, but it’s not like she can’t make some sort of bread pudding. They go through all the menus, but I’ll get to those when they actually serve.

* Ariane is working on the lamb while Hosea and Leah sit around and chat. Leah frets that she’s only doing a salad and a dessert. Then. . .maybe you should do something else, you lazy waffle toasting bitch cow?

* Fabio preps and freaks out that Radhika “took almos’ one hour to peel and greel ten cob of corn. Why?” Why indeed, Fabio. Why indeed.

* Tom thru! OMG, we haven’t really had one of these recently. Jamie and Carla smarm a little about Stefan being the leader. Jeff slices tomatoes and explains what Team Pork is doing.

* Tom talks about how they’re connecting with the food, and does more of his "honor the protein" bullshit routine. Tom is totally one of those white guys who takes one Native American Studies course in college and walks around spouting the three ideas he's retained for the rest of his life. He says Team Lamb’s leg has been butchered into smaller pieces so it’s not a whole leg of lamb. The Chicken Team shouldn’t have done soup since it’s warm. He also wonders about the crème brulee on Team Pig, given the history of crème brulee in this contest.

* One hour until service. Ariane rubs the lamb and has to tie it. Hosea worries that it won’t be done in time. Leah helps Ariane tie the roasts because Ariane doesn’t know how. Leah feels lie she could’ve done a better job tying them than she did, but it’s time to get them in the oven.

* Service! They’re feeding the farmers and their families, in addition to the usual judges and Dan Barber.

* Team Lamb serves Lamb two ways—Roasted Loin and Roasted Roulade of Lamb Leg; Rosemary Garlic Roasted New Potatoes; and Heirloom Tomato Salad.

*Jeff introduces Team Pork as “the 3 little pigs.” Aw. They’ve made: Sausage, Zucchini, and Eggplant Ravioli with pesto; Fried Green Tomatoes with Tomato Jam; and Seared Pork Loin and Grilled Corn Salad with Bacon.

* Finally, Team Chicken has made Chicken Cutlet with Mizuna, Corn, Onion and Tomato Salad; Lemon Herb Roasted Chicken with Tomato Salad; and Chicken Ravioli Soup.

* Eating: Padma doesn’t see the point of the soup on an 85 degree day. They seem to like the roasted chicken and the cutlet. Dan Barber says the lamb is a mess and Tom adds that the butchering is poor and they went pesto crazy.

* Toby Young then gets off a good line: “You’ve heard the expression mutton dressed as lamb; this is lamb dressed as mutton.” BOOM. That’s a bon mot for you. Spontaneous.

* Padma likes Team Lamb’s potatoes, and. Tom likes the chard but wants to see stems. He then goes off on the first of several lengthy speeches about how this was no way to honor the lamb. I bet Tom tells people that his Indian name is "Struts with Big Cleaver."

* Moving on, Padma says that the Pork Team’s ravioli is fine, but you can’t taste anything but the pesto. Toby Young chimes back in: “the pesto is the big bad wolf which has blown this pig’s house down.” Oh no. No, no, no. You were doing so well, Toby Young. Now you’re back to the labored crap again.

* Tom wishes they’d cooked the pork on the bone, as a better way to honor the protein. In other news, Tom Colicchio is so filled with honor for the animals that he cries a single tear every time he breaks down a chicken. Padma adds that the star of the dish is the tomato.

* Dessert! Carla for Team Chicken has made a Nectarine and Strawberry Tartlet with Thyme, Cream and Lemon Zest. For Team Pork, Jeff presents a Vanilla and Lavender Scented Crème Brulee. And for Team Lamb, Ariane tells us about a Summer Berry Trifle with Vanilla Crème.

* Tom raves about the tartlet and Barber says it’s intelligently done. Padma says the crème brulee is too sweet. Barber found Team Lamb’s trifle unappealing. Commercial!

* Back! Padma calls in Team Chicken. They are the top group. The judges compliment Carla’s dessert, and the team talks about the compromises they made. Dan Barber announces the winner is. . . . .all of them! Carla’s excited that she finally got her win. Padma asks them to send back the other two teams.

* After explaining that both the teams did poorly, they start with Team Pig. Jeff gets called out for removing too much fat. He does some weird gaping faces here, and I wonder if he might be slightly deaf. Fabio was too heavy wit the pesto. Radhika did the grilled corn salad and collaborated in the dessert. Tom calls her out for not doing enough. Ha.

* Moving on to Team Lamb, they’re asked why they did the roulade. Ariane talks about tenderizing the lamb, and Dan Barber points out that baby lamb is already tender. Padma asks why Ariane was the only one dealing with the lamb, and Leah and Hosea stand there silent for a moment before trying to defend themselves. Ariane points out that she had tried to talk them out of a technique she wasn’t familiar with, and says Leah helped with the tying (which has been called out as uneven). Hosea gets called out for not helping with the lamb when he has more experience with it. And Tom says a lot of bullshit about honoring the proteins, and borrowing the land from our children, and how WakanTanka does not make any two birds or animals or human beings exactly alike.

Ok, maybe he just says the honoring the proteins bullshit.

* They’re sent back to the stew room so the Judges can deliberate. Toby Young calls the pork dish bloodless and anemic, adding “when I’m faced with a beautiful well reared piece of meat, I don’t want to stand back and admire it. I want to have full blown, unprotected sex. And I didn’t even get to first base with the pork.” Ok. I like that. It was a little long, but I liked it. Mostly because I too want to have full blown, unprotected sex with pork.

* Tom says the lamb was just butchered, period, and Barber adds that there was no thought behind it. Tom wonders “can we make a case for sending Radhika home since she did very little work at all?” Yes, please.

* They keep talking. Ariane did a disservice to the lamb; Hosea did a disservice to the team by not helping. We see the stew room where Leah is whispering to Hosea, just to underline the fact that they're grade school style schemers and all around taintlickers.

*Padma feels like Leah is letting Ariane take the fall. Dan Barber found her not owning up reprehensible. Commercial!

* Back! Tom tells them they were quite disappointed with both dishes, and that neither team honored their protein. He then reminds them that when the earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear, and that when that happens The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them (The Warriors of the Rainbow are not to be confused with Team Rainbow).

Ok, maybe I projected that last part. Tom, Chief Seattle--six of one, half dozen of the other, am I right? Anyway, Radhika didn’t contribute a whole lot; Fabio drowned the pork in pesto; Jeff took the fat away from the pork and the brulee was too sweet, but his tomatoes were great. Pork team is spared.

* On Team Lamb, Leah didn’t contribute much at all. Ariane took a role she wasn’t ready for in butchering the lamb. Hosea let his teammate flounder.

* Padma tells Ariane to Pack Her Knives and Go. And I’m pissed. And so is Ariane. Tom tells her that when it comes time to die, we should be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.

Ok, Tom didn't say that. Chief Aumpumut did. But after all of Tom's "honor the protein" schtick the last few weeks, would you really be surprised if he did say that?

* She interviews that she doesn’t think it’s fair that she’s going home when her team sucked as team players. She says what goes around comes around. She’s proud of what she’s done in starting at the bottom and shooting to the top.

Next: Restaurant Wars! Hideous! Trouble in Leah Hosea paradise! Radhika has no control in a leadership roll! Leah and Hosea sleep on the couch and grope each other despite both having partners! And Tom shows up to judging wearing a full on war bonnet.