We now return you to our bacony scheduled programming

So I was a bit worried about whether I'd have anything to write about this week, what with Top Chef: Masters taking a week off for the July Fourth holiday or something.

I mean, I can't always count on a run in with the Insult Guy (though I did see him talking to the po-po on Wednesday night, and now suspect he might be a narc) . And while I can pretty much always count on seeing poorly dressed people on the Metro, I didn't know if I could count on them being poorly dressed in an amusing enough way to merit an entire post--with or without sneaky phone photographs--about them.

And short of having some sort of one woman tribute party, where I feathered my hair and chanted "Hiiiiii-yoooooooo" while dancing about to Michael Jackson songs and doing multiple loads of laundry with Oxy-Clean, I didn't think I could generate enough current events related excitement on my own to merit comment.

Also, it's tacky to make fun of the recently deceased.

It got to the point where I contemplated doing a post about my biannual trip to the CoinStar to turn 6 months worth of Coins into cash* which would have been amusing only because it would've included this picture of me getting said coins out of my Buddha bank:

which is probably offensive to some religions (though, really, I wouldn't freak out if you posted a picture of yourself fingerbanging a Virgin Mary shaped bank, so. . .I don't know. Grow a sense of humor or something. I had to get the coins out!).

Anyway, then I remembered that I was going to be having some dental work done this afternoon**, and that I should probably have some soft foods on hand for the next couple of days. And so I decided to make some ice cream, and settled on the Chocolate-Peanut Butter recipe from The Perfect Scoop.

And then I thought, "y'know, if I'm going to just be eating ice cream for the next few, perhaps I'd better sneak some protein into it." And so I decided to make. . .

. . . Chocolate. . .

. . . Peanut Butter. . .

. . . and Bacon Ice Cream.

Mise en Place, yo:

As you can see, you'll need bacon, half-and-half, salt, sugar, peanut butter, and cocoa. Tres simple. One of my favorite things about The Perfect Scoop is that the recipes run the gamut from "you'll need six specialty ingredients and 7000 egg yolks" to "meh, just get some half-and-half."

So to start, you're going to whisk the half-and-half, cocoa, sugar, and salt in a saucepan. And you're going to heat it and whisk it until it boils and gets delightfully foamy like so:

Mmmmm. . . foam-licious.

And then you're going to remove the mixture from the heat and plop in a half cup (or so) of peanut butter.

The peanut butter is at the bottom of the frame.

So you whisk that shit together until it's smooth and thoroughly blended. And then you're going to chill it until it's cold throughout, which--in my experience--takes an hour or thereabouts.

(also, if you're in Harris Teeter territory--Simply Lemonade and Simply Limeade are on sale for $1.97 each with your V.I.C. card. I'm pretty much living on Arnold Palmers at the moment).

So the cooling process may have resulted in some separation. If so, you're going to want to whisk the ingredients back together until they're a smooth, chocolatey, peanut buttery, cohesive unite. And then you can pour them into your ice cream maker and let them go for about the first 15 minutes or so of the freezing process.

While the ice cream is freezing, you'll want to prepare some bacon--like 4-5 strips. Get it cooked, and then chop it up finely comme ca:

And after the first 15 minutes of freezing are over, you can slide those right into the ice cream mixture. Let it continue to mix for about ten minutes more (this will vary depending on your ice cream maker), and you get this:

A beautiful chocolatey, peanutbuttery mix, studded throughout with delicious little salty bits of bacon.

This is beautiful and delicious in and of itself, but you want to complete the ice cream making process by transferring it to an air tight container (or two) and freezing it for 4-5 hours, or overnight.

What you'll get then is perhaps the most beautiful thing in the world

Following the idea that the garnish should tell you something about the flavors of the dish, I have garnished the ice cream with bacon, and drizzled a little chocolate sauce on top.

But you really don't need to bother with any of that fancy crap. Because at the end of the day, regardless of plating, what you've got is this delicious peanut butter/chocolate flavor, periodically interrupted by this little savory pop of bacon.

The accoutrements, as they say, are just icing on the cake.

Or, perhaps more aptly, just bacon on the sundae.

* If you're at all interested in how that story ends, I made $66.33.

** My first crown. R.I.P., top rear tooth on the left hand side.

Top Chef Masters: Rick does the trick

This is going to be pretty stripped--I know that yesterday I was all stoked to make a dozen horrible, immature tongue taco jokes, but by the time I sat down to watch the episode in full, I was exhausted and wigged out about Michael Jackson dying, and I was trying to get through four nights worth of DVR so I could watch the second half of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion live.

Anyway, here we go. Los Angeles. Top Chef: Masters kitchen, which this time is just chock full of veg. Wilo Benet enters and introduces himself in a mixture of English and Spanish. Tom says he's Puerto Rico's first celebrity chef, and we hear again about how he was a judge in the Season 4 finale and how it's more pressure to come back as a contestant.

Cindy Pawlcyn is the next to arrive and give her bio. Oseland calls her the "queen of Napa Valley cooking." She's competing for Clinic Ole, and is nervous and hopes she doesn't go brain dead. I think we all kind of hope that, don't we?

And then comes. . .Ludovic Lefebvre with his accent and subtitles. He's been working in kitchens since he was 14, and been a chef since he was 24. Honestly, I don't know why they're subtitling him--his accent is no less comprehensible than Fabio's. Tom reiterates what Ludo just said for those who a) can't understand Frog and b) don't read. Ludo is competing for C.H.A.S.E. For Life.

Rick Bayless finally makes his grand entrance, and tells us about his love affair with Mexico. He's competing for the Frontera Farmer Foundation, and is ready to get started.

K-Choi welcomes them and asks if they're nervous. There's more banter about how Bayless has been a judge, and that's the easier side of the table.

Quickfire! They draw knives Wilo's is orange, Cindy's is yellow, Ludo's is red, and Bayless's is green. Ok, since I know what the challenge is--cooking a dish that's all in that color family, stolen from Season 2--I think this is kind of bullshit. Those are all really, really easy colors to cook. Where's blue? Where's. . .khaki?

K-Choi reminds us that in season 2, Mikey won this challenge with his orange dish. The judges will be food stylist Chris Oliver, Cookbook author Joanne Cianculli, and Christina Peters, a food photographer. Nice. I was worried that they were going to trot out the season 2 kids again. I love Mikey, but I would be so happy if I never saw those other two assholes again.

Food flurry. They have 30 minutes. Ludo says that Red is a very intense color, and he is very intense. He talks about how much tougher training is in France. Cindy does the obligatory women in the kitchen speech for this episode, which means more coming from her than it does from the 24 year old chippies who normally do that routine during Top Chef. We see adorable black and white pictures of her as a young chef, and Bayless's parents owning a BBQ restaurant in Oklahoma City.

Another notable difference from regular Top Chef--they're more willing to help each other. Cindy helps Ludo plate his dish as the clock winds down.

Time! Ludo swears first in English, then in French. They don't bleep the French. I don't understand why--profanity is profanity regardless of the language, and enough people in the U.S. know what merde is that it doesn't require a subtitle. Anyway, the cause of said swearing is that he forgot to put the tomato on the plate.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs settle in to watch the judges . . .judge. Ludo realizes that they forgot to take his beet gazpacho out as well.

His dish is a Steak Tartar with Watermelon and Red Beet Gazpacho. The judges like the tartar, and Ludo freaks out about how the beet juice was missing. They get the beet juice out, eventually, which makes the dish less visually appetizing since now it looks like there's a huge pool of blood on the food. It also looks like it could kill me with anaphylaxis through my TV screen, so I avert my eyes.

The next dish is Cindy's Yellow Vegetable Curry over Sweet Corn Grits and Fried Corn Tortillas. The judges like the different shades of yellow and the textures.

Next is Bayless's Roasted Vegetables, Mole Verde with Tomatillos, Green Chiles and Pumpkin Seeds. The judges find it complex, but tasty.

Finally we have Wilo's Smoked Salmon Tartar with Coconut Milk and Tomato Paste Sauce. Wilo forgot to take the mold off the tartar, but the judges still like it. They get down to the business of rating.

K-Choi returns to the kitchen with scores. Ludo gets 3 stars; Cindy 3.5; Bayless 4; and Wilo 4.5. Wilo wins, which is the second time the orange dish has won the color quickfire.

Wilo is competing for San Jorge Children's Foundation, which is the first time we've heard this, I think.

Elimination Challenge! They'll create a street food dish to serve at Universal Studios. But. . . they'll be making it from a secret protein. They draw knives to see who goes first.

Wilo draws one and gets beef hearts.

Cindy is jazzed about cooking with offal. Rick is more trepidatious. he gets tongue, which he loves. Cindy gets tripe. And Ludo gets pig's ears. He says he uses them in France. He then talks about how he can cook all of these things.

They get $300 for additional ingredients, 3 hours of prep today and an hour tomorrow on location.

Whole Foods! They have 45 minutes to shop. Ludo decides to make a Quesadilla, and asks Rick what a good Mexican cheese is. Bayless thinks this is a bad choice because he doesn't think a French guy will know anything about a quesadilla. Breaking: Rick Bayless is prejudiced against French People.

Wilo is thinking about a modified Tripleta, a Puerto Rican street food sandwich.

Cindy is excited about offal since she started a club called "Girls Who Eat Guts."

Ludo sees that Rick is doing a taco, and claims that Rick is copying him. Yes, because Rick Bayless would never have come up with doing Mexican food if you hadn't suggested it, Frenchie. Jesus. He's Rick effing Bayless. Commercial!

Back! The chefs return to the kitchen for prep. Cindy starts plopping tripe into her stew pots to make menudo. Rick worries about the time constraints with offal. Cindy is doing her tripe in a pressure cooker to speed up the process, but isn't comfortable with the cookers. Rick helps her. See what I mean? They're so nice to each other.

Ludo is cooking his pig ears in a broth to make them less tough. Wilo thin slices his hearts. Rick is more relaxed now than he was with the quickfire. Ludo, though, is freaking out because he's running behind. People try to help him out and he takes offense to that. I really don't like him.

Next day! They have an hour to set up and be ready to serve. Ludo has to rechop his pig ear because it all clumped up into a big block.

More food flurry with a lot of swearing from Ludo. When the customers arrived, he doesn't have any cooked. Ha-ha. Serves you right, stupid Frog.

They start serving. A guy in a pink polo shirt and a Spike hat says "come on Rick, slip me some tongue," and Rick replies "yeah, once Rick Bayless has slipped you some tongue, you never forget it."

It sounds less pervy in his cheerful Rick Bayless voice than it looks written out like that.

The judges come to his stand. His official dish is Chorizo, Bacon & Tongue Tacos with Guacamole. Yeah, I could nom that, as long as I didn't think about the fact that it was tongue. The judges all love the tongue taco, but Rayner says you don't want to have a date after. Gael Greene's hat says she'd definitely have a second, right now. Gael Greene's hat seems a little tipsy if you ask me.

Next we head over to Wilo's cart, where he tries to mimic the rhythm of a street vendor. His dish is Beef, Ham and Chicken Tripleta in Pita Bread. Oseland thinks there's too much topping, but Raymer likes the textures.

Then they head over to Ludo, where everyone is waiting for Ludo to cook. His dish is a Pork Quesadilla with Chorizo, Pinto Bean Puree, Lime Aioli and Smoked Paprika. And it's a good thing there are all those ingredients, because it takes that whole explanation for him to have a single one ready for the judges. Oseland asks skeptically if he's ever made quesadillas before. He talks about how charming he is. Oseland finds the ear itself appealing, but the cheese is runny.

Finally, they head out to Cindy's station, and she talks about how her dish is more intimidating. Her dish is described just as "Hot and Spicy Menudo." Raymere finds it underseasoned, but Gael Greene's hat slurs that the tripe itself is sweet and tender. Commercial!

Back! This is the fakeout scene. Cindy was flattered that someone said her menudo was as good as his mom's, and she considers that a victory. Rick repeats the slipping the tongue joke, which is only improved by the fact that Ludo reacts to it by going "ahahahahaaha, ze tongue." Something about his tone is hysterical.

Commercial!

Back! Critics Table! Ludo explains how he did the Pig's Ear Quesadilla. Gael Greene's hat thought it was a good choice to not scare people. Oseland wishes the flavors from the boullion the ear was cooked in had come through more.

Cindy said she was nervous about getting the tripe cooked, but Oseland says it was very tender. Gael Greene's hat thought hot stew on a cold day was a great idea. Raymer scolds that the broth was underseasoned and she was too conservative.

Rick says he loves tongue and was happy to get it. K-Choi loved the cheese on top. Raymer asks if he felt there should've been more acid. Oseland thought the tongue was cooked brilliantly.

Wilo explains his choice of Tripletas. Oseland would've liked the pita toasted; Gael Greene's hat loved the spicy mayonnaise in the bottom of the pita pocket. The hat over enunciates pita pocket. The hat is clearly drunk.

K-Choi sends the chefs out to drink in the other room. Raymer thought that Cindy made her tripe the most obvious of the offals. Oseland thought it lacked punch.

Raymer thought that Wilo cooked the heart well. Gael Greene's hat liked the choice of pita. Oseland feels that he cut the heart too thin.

Gael Greene's hat thought Rick's dish was perfect. Raymer found it "a big, bright, lovely, flavorful mouthful."

On Ludo's, they thought the pig's ear was well cooked, but the quesadilla itself didn't work. Raymer says that given the challenges of working with pig's ear, he did a pretty good job.

Commercial!

Back! Time for scores. Ludo got 3.5 from the diners; Raymer gave it a 4; Oseland a 3; and Gael Greene's Hat a 3. Total = 16.5.

Cindy got 3.5 from the diners. Oseland gives her a 2.5 (is that the lowest score yet? Ouch); Gael Greene's Hat gives it a 3.5; Raymer a 3. Her total is 15.5. She's out.

Rick got a 4 from the diners. Oseland gives him 5; Gael Greene's Hat serves up a 5; Raymer a 4.5. His total is a 22.5. Ludo is told to "return to the kitchen and pack your knives."

Finally, Wilo got 4 from the diners. Raymer gives him 4; Gael 4; and Oseland 3. His total is 19.5. Rick is the winner, and will move on to the champion's round.

Rick thinks he played to his strengths. Ludo wants to come back if there's a Top Chef: Masters 2. Cindy wants to go home and practice menudo. They pack up and go.

In two weeks: DOOGIE!!!!!!

Patience, Smurflings.

It's been kind of a long 3/5ths of a week so far--not in a bad way, just in a packed way--and I've been getting less sleep and living on more food from the movie theatre/ball park/ margarita food group than I care to discuss.

So last night, when I got in at 10:35 (look, I'm old, I know) after spending some serious time contemplating trying to get a job designing the routes for Washington's Metro Area Transit Authority--because clearly all you have to do is draw a nonsensical, squiggly line on a map and occasionally make it intersect with other nonsensical, squiggly lines on the map in such a way that you a) make every 4 mile trip take at least an hour, and b) keep whitey out of the ghetto--I really wanted to just get into bed and get some solid sleep for the first time this week.

I emphatically did not want to sit down and devote the concentration necessary to taking notes on a reality TV programme while I was fighting sleep.

So while I had Top Chef: Masters on in the background as I puttered about getting ready for bed, I only heard it as background noise, and only the last 20 minutes or so.

And I know that Rick Bayless won, and I know that he did it by making Tongue Tacos. And I have at least eleventy billion completely immature jokes about Tongue Tacos churning around in my brain.

But you're going to have to wait 24 hours for them.

Handi-chef-ing the field: week 3.

I know everyone has a lot on their minds this week, what with Iran and the "shocking announcement" that Jon and Kate are scheduled to make and everything (personally, my greatest fear is that they're announcing not a divorce, but another pregnancy in attempt to save both their marriage and their flagging franchise by having another child or seventy. I hope that hideous brood mare walks off a cliff).

And I personally am a bit preoccupied, because my DVD player seems to have died and trapped the final disc of season 3 of Coupling in its entrails. How am I going to live if I can't see Patrick tell "a clever lie" and Jeff do the Spiderman dance he invented any time I want?

But that said, it is Monday. Time to look at the competition in this week's Top Chef: Masters.

We begin with. . . .Cindy Pawlcyn.

You may know her from: Being a "pioneer" of wine country and farm-to-table cooking; being executive chef/owner of Backstreet Kitchen, Mustard's Grill and Go Fish; writing a boatload of cookbooks.

In her favor: She's a veteran with extensive experience, but at the same time, the philosophies behind her cooking are really back in vogue now.

Against her: There's already one woman in the Champions' round.

Verdict: Unlikely. She looks like a very sweet lady. We don't want to OD on very sweet ladies in the final round. Very sweet ladies make for boring reality TV.

And next we have. . . .Wilo Benet!

You May Know Him from: Being the Tom Colicchio look-alike who helped judge Part One of the Season 4 finale in Puerto Rico; being the chef behind Pikayo, Paya, and Varita restaurants in Puerto Rico.

In His Favor: Knows the Top Chef game from the judges' perspective; his cuisine may translate well to the "street food" challenge that constitutes this week's elimination.

Against Him: If Andy the famewhoring douchewocket Cohen has taught us anything, it's that there can be only one bald god of Top Chef. Also, the "judges' advantage" has not proven to be much of an advantage--only one of the three has been able to profit from it so far. And that one just happened to be Hubert-effing-Keller.

Verdict: Strong Possible. This is a tough week--I don't really have a personal favorite, and that makes it hard for me to rule anyone out.

And then there's. . . Ludovic Lefebvre!

You May Know Him From: Being the swearing Frenchman in last week's preview; his cookbook Crave: The Feast of the Five Senses; creating the menu for Las Vegas's LAVO; the "guerilla restaurant" Ludo Bites (now serving in Los Angeles).

In His Favor: He's a young buck with a "guerilla restaurant" and multiple tattoos. Clearly this is the chance for new style "bistronomy" to overthrow some staid old masters. Also, I'd guess he's meant to be some sort of eye candy, if you like that unwashed, molestery look.

Against Him: The previews show him making quesadillas. You can't win with quesadillas.

Verdict: Probably Not. . .but Maybe? Frankly, I hope he's one-and-done, but I can see how they might want to keep him around, for the young factor and the rebel factor and the accent factor and the people who like the unwashed, molestory look factor.

And then finally there's. . . .Rick Bayless!

You May Know Him From: Judging the insufferable block party episode in Season 4; his PBS cooking show; restaurants Frontera and Topolobampo; a couple of Beard awards; being one of the President's favorite cooks. Oh, and he apparently singlehandedly introduced Mexican food to the US in the '80's, something I thought that actual Mexicans had done a couple hundred years earlier.

In His Favor: He's Rick effing Bayless. And beyond that, he's in the same boat as Benet in terms of the elimination challenge really speaking to the strengths of his cuisine. I mean, the preview videos show him making tacos. Would you really want to compete against Rick Bayless making tacos?

Against Him: He's the obvious favorite, right? Maybe a little too obvious? I think there's a good chance of this being another "upset" week where the best known chef gets taken out. Also, I personally find him creepy.

Verdict: Strong Possible. I'm torn between saying "I see an upset," and thinking they wouldn't schedule upsets two weeks in a row. . . or would they?

Top Chef Masters: Tracht? You're damn right.

Holy crow, my darlings, but we did get blown the fuck out on that one, didn't we? Who's the one chef who didn't get ANY votes in our thoroughly scientific poll? Tracht. And who's the chef who WON the second week? Tracht.

You see that chef Tracht is a bad mother--shut yo' mouth!). But I'm talkin' 'bout Tracht! (Then we can dig it!)

Anyway, lets take a look at how this completely unforseen happening. . .happened.

So it's either sunrise or sunset in Los Angeles. I can't tell. I haven't been to Los Angeles since, like 1994 or something. And I think that was really just Anaheim. Anyway, the speedy cam takes us to the Top Chef: Masters kitchen.

Graham Elliot Bowles enters and tells us about himself. His cooking style is "punk rock." Tom Colicchio says he's the youngest competitor in the Masters competition. Ozeland says he's a "hot shot" and a "great tattooed guy." Graham is competing for the American Heart Association because of a nephew who needs a transplant. I heart him (get it? GET IT????).

Next we have Suzanne Tracht, who speaks in kind of a monotone. Tom Coliccchio says she's known for "simple straightforward unpretentious food" and Rayner says she's a "West Coast Chef." Her charity is the food bank Sova. She mumbles that in the heat of the moment she can "erupt like a little volcano." I'll believe it when I see it--this woman takes "low key" to a new and terrifying plae.

Wylie Dufresne enters and Graham reacts in dismay because he doesn't want to lose to his friend and lose bragging rights. Wylie tells us everything we've known about him since Top Chef Season 2, but says he shies away from the label of molecular gastronomy because it "doesn't sound sexy." This has not, however, caused him to shy away from the lank, chin length hair.

Gael Greene and her hat say that WD-50 is "cutting edge." Wylie is playing for Autism Speaks. Colicchio reminds us that Wylie has appeared many times on Top Chef. Yes, we know that, Tom. We watch the goddamn show.

Elizabeth Falkner enters in her purpley coat. What is it with one chef in each round wearing a non-white coat? Does this signify that they're evil or something? Then she fakes up some sort of samurai move with a stick, and later does some boxing motions at the camera. What is it with the combative lesbians? Gail Simmons tells us Elizabeth is one of the great avante garde pastry chefs, and the lady herself says she doesn't mind being known as a pastry chef, but she does so much more. Her charity is Edible Schoolyard, which is a lot more practical but a lot less Willy-Wonka-ish than it sounds. Tom reminds us that she was a guest judge and it was evident that she wanted to jump into the competition.

Kelly enters and welcomes them, outlining the rules much as she did last week. In fact, she might even be wearing the same top. Either that or her whole wardrobe is purple. Which, you know, is kind of pot-kettle-black coming from me, the woman who could wear something madras every day for a week without repeating.

Kelly tells them that their classic quickfire is the vending machine challenge from season 2--making an amuse bouche from vending machine ingredients. Chee-to dick! Chee-to dick! Their judges will be 3 people with experience in this area--Ilan, Betty, and Mikey (Mikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!), all of whom competed in the original vending machine challenge.

Ilan has more hair than he used to, and looks slightly less douchey. But only slightly. Wylie is a little concerned since he judged the Season 2 chefs. Payback time!

The Masters all choose their ingredients. Graham gets 2 candy bars, a ham and cheese sandwich, and oj. He jokes "and that's just lunch. Now I gotta get something for the contest." HEART. He says he gets shit from people all the time for using these ingredients. I don't understand that--I've been on a cheez-its BINGE since seeing his risotto earlier in the week. Why would anyone mock that?

Food flurry! Graham is excited to be the "underchef." They all kind of preview their dishes. Wylie says if he'd had his "druthers" he would've been a professional athlete, but his lack of. . .talent held him back Suzanne monotones about not being able to find fresh herbs in vending machines. Um, yeah. That's because they're vending machines. Elizabeth talks about being inspired by her father and 2 brothers, who are artists. She uses the liquid nitrogen to make an ice cream, saying ice cream is just "a frozen sauce." Wylie gets VERY frazzled. TIME!

Wylie swears a ton because his dish fell apart in the heat of the moment. Seriously, he seemed so mild mannered every time he judged, but get him on the other side of the event and he's giving the edit-button guy a workout.

Commercial!

Back!

Wylie swears some more. His dish is served first to the group of Top Chef failures*. . .erm, I mean, esteemed judges. He has made a Red Onion and Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Dr. Pepper Reduction. A reduction on a grilled cheese sandwich? I think I'm going to have to go with a Moe-esque "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" as my reaction to that one.

Betty thinks the presentation is great, but her sauce has solidified. Mikey likes it, but Mikey invented the Cheeto Dick, so I think we have to take his taste with a giant grain of salt. A salt rock. A salt mine. Mikey, I love you. And then Ilan and his hair find it too big for an amuse (which, yes, he's right) and difficult to eat.

Dish two is Suzanne's Fried Shallot Rings with Microgreen Salad and Dr. Pepper Aoli. Also not an amuse The Top Chef failures like it. Betty the tacky bitch licks her bowl. While I think that's an absolutely inexcusable way for a grown-ass woman to behave in public, I have to concede that the dish does sound pretty damn nommable.

Third up is Elizabeth's Braised Beef Jerky with Orange Juice, Lemon and Horseradish Ice Cream. Still too much for an amuse. Mikey says "its kinda like my beef jerky fell in my ice cream, and it's like a wonderful thing, ya know?" You are a wonderful thing, Mikey. You are. Betty hates it. Elizabeth threatens to kill Betty. I would like to help Elizabeth Falkner with that. Ilan calls it a journey.

Kelly, henceforth known as K-Choi, reacts to this bit of pretentious doucheassery by making fun of Ilan's penis size**

Finally we have Graham's Tuna Salad with Pickled Shallot, Ginger Orange Bubbles and Beef Jerky Miso Powder. Betty calls it "a tuna salad that came from an ivy league school." Mikey and Ilan also like it.

I would just like to point out that really, none of these dishes are one bite. They've all made appetizers. . .or in some cases, lunch. Not amuse-ing.

K-Choi asks them to rate the dishes, and takes the scores back to the kitchen. Elizabeth has a 3.5; Graham a 4.5; Wylie a 3; and Suzanne leads the field with 5. Suzanne sedately nods her glee as a reaction to getting the highest possible score and mumbles that her kids will be proud.

K-Choi tells them to leave the kitchen while they set up for the elimination challenge. A title card flashes to represent the passing of time.

Elimination Challenge! The chefs return to see a boar's head, chickens, and seafood. Kelly tells them that their elimination challenge is to cook for the creators and writers of LOST. Suzanne mumbles that she's a fan of LOST.

K Choi explains the plot of LOST for anyone who's been living in a cave for the last 5 years, which apparently includes Wylie. They have to make a dish using the ingredients provided and ingredients from a list with the Dharma initiative logo--only canned, Dharma pantry type products. Oh, I hope there's Dharma beer.

The chefs go to Whole Foods to shop for their Dharmagredients with $200 and 45 minutes. I don't remember Rose and Bernard being given $200, or a Lexus sponsored vehicle to roll around in.

Graham tells us about how he was going to drop out of school as soon as he turned 18 and be in a band, but became a chef instead. Siuzanne mumbles more about the lack of fresh herbs and ingredients. Elizabeth thinks strategically about her competitors' palates, and what they bring to the table.

Wylie and Grant interact adorkably. I want to be their chick friend, and hang out with them at Whole Foods discussing ingredients. Or something cooler.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs return to the kitchen with 2.5 hours to cook. Suzanne gives the obligatory speech about how far women have come in the kitchen. Graham talks about how his cuisine is influenced by growing up moving around a lot with a father who was in the navy. We get to see adorbs pictures of him growing up in various exotic places.

And there's a lot of food flurry.

With 20 minutes left, the "critics table" and the creators and producers of LOST file in. They all talk about how much they love Top Chef on the LOST set. I'm amazed ABC allowed this. Usually show crossovers are limited to other programs within the NBC Universal/GE/Scheinhardt Wigs family, like when the Shear Genius folks styled the Real Housewives of Orange County, or Brooke Shields went on Project Runway to promote the sinking ship of Lipstick Jungle.

Two minutes and forty left! Wylie frets that he's not going to fucking make it. Weird Dharma people come out to serve. Ew, theme servers. This is tacky. This is Top Chef: Masters, not Top Casino Restaurant CaterWaiter.

Elizabeth Falkner serves first. She has made a Duo of Boar: Loin with Ancho Garlic Rub; Tenderloin with Coffee Rub; and Papaya and Yam Pudding. The LOSTies mostly like it, though one guy doesn't like the boar, and another doesn't like the pudding. Ozeland compares the pudding to baby food and Rayner says the plate needs saucing.

Graham is next. He has made a Tuna Trio: Maki Roll with Dehydrated Pinapple; Tuna Nicoise with Kalamata Olive Oil; Coffee Crusted Tuna Loin with Yam Risotto and Hearts of Palm. Geez, all the duos and trios--what is this, Season One of Top Chef? Anyway, the LOSTies like it, and Ozeland finds it very well executed.

Wylie is next, and has made Roast Chicken with Poached Egg, Banana Mustard Plantain Puree, and Beets. Oh, vom. Beets, my mortal enemy. My beet noire, as it were. Then there's a kerfluffle over the fact that Rayner has no chicken on his plate. It turns out that his neighbor has it; in the plating flurry, one plate got two chickens and one got none. Wylie handles it very gracefully. Gael Greene and her hat love the slow poached egg. Rayner says it's great that Wylie is still cooking like himself in the face of the constraints of the competition.

Finally, the Dharma waiters bring out Suzanne's Uni Risotto, Mango Salad, Boar Striploin, Oyster Beer Sauce and Baked Yam. The same LOSTie who hated boar before likes it now. In fact, they all love it. Rayner says that even though there was a lot going on, he wanted to stay for the whole show. If you think about it, one could say the same thing of LOST.

Commercial! Oh, look. Tomorrow we get another dreadful episode of "Nasty People Who Hate Each Other and Can't Sew," or as Bravo calls it, The Fashion Show.

Back!

Critics Table. K-Choi thanks them for their stunning meal and asks wylie how he came up with his menu. Rayner follows up with a question about the egg. They all flatter the egg. Gael Greene's hat has a "natural suspicion" of chemical solutions to cooking, but loved the chicken. They all flatter the chicken.

This is perhaps my least favorite thing about Top Chef: Masters. The judges. . .I mean, critics. . .never really lay into anyone. Of course, that could be because (as yet) no one has failed as spectacularly as cheftestants past, and the general calibre of the food is much higher. But still. Man up and be a little mean, people.

Graham talks about his life experience influencing his selections. Rayner asks about the coffee rub. Ozeland loved the green beans in the niccoise. Graham describes how he processed the hell out of salsa to get it down to the ingredients and get garlic. Gael Greene's hat says he really got into the island mode.

K Choi asks Elizabeth how the challenge was. Gael Greene's hat loved the braised boar, but she found the pudding too sweet and too much like baby food. Rayner said the plate was very dry.

Suzanne loved the challenge. They compliment her boar, and Rayner loved the sea urchin as well.

The chefs are sent out and start drinking. Elizabeth says she thinks they were meaner as judges. They were. They really, really were. Especially her. She was kind of a bitch.

Back at the critic's table. Gael Greene and the hat loved Elizabeth's braised boar, but thought the sous vided one was boring. They all hated the pudding. Rayner wasn't crazy about Graham's tuna roll, but thought the rest of the dish was good. Ozeland lisps about how molecular gastronomy was not his thing, but he loved Wylie's dish. Raymer thought Suzanne's dish needed editing at first, but it won him over. Ozeland thought her boar was the best boar. Gael Greene's hat loved her plate. Rayner calls it a "vibrant, fiery plate of food" which "showed a real generosity of spirit."

If you didn't catch on by this point that she was going to win, you're even more clueless than Wylie Dufresne. Never seen LOST. Jesus.

Commercial. I will NOT be watching NYC Prep. Badly behaved adults = schadenfreude. Badly behaved children = despair about the future.

Back! Short scene! They decide to make cookies while the critics are deliberating. Buh. Most boring fake-back ever.

Really back! Kelly reminds them about the rules. Graham gets 4.5 from the diners; 4 from Ozeland; 4 grom Gael Greene and her hat; and 3.5 from Rayner. His total is 20.5.

Wylie gets 3.5 from the diners; a staggering 5 from Ozeland; 4 from Gael Greene and her hat; and 4.5 from Rayner, for a total of 20. He's told that his amazing comeback was not quite enough, and he should "return to the kitchen and pack your knive"

Elizabeth gets 3.5 from the diners; 3 from Rayner; 3 from Ozeland, 3 from Gael Greene and .5 from the hat, for a total of 16.5.

Finally, we have Suzanne. With 4.5 from the diners; 4.5 from the Gael/Hat power corner; 4 from Ozeland; and 4.5 from Rayner, she wins with a total of 22.5.

She is visibly thrilled.

They congratulate her and she mumbles "thank you. Thank you so much." She takes it as "confirmation that she can still cook." I don't know what that means. Have there been allegations that she can't cook? Has she been wracked by self doubt? Has she just been taking care of the business end of business lately, and been out of the kitchen for awhile?

Anyway, whatever she's taking it as a sign of, I take it as a sign that in the future, I shouldn't discount chefs I don't know about just because they haven't judged past Top Chefs.

Next: Bayless! Things that are not edible! A swearing frenchman! Quesadillas!


* And yes, Ilan qualifies. In fact, he's probably the biggest Top Chef failure of all, because he managed to win and crap the bed.
** Not really. She's actually just holding up a roll of quarters for the vending machine challenge, but it looks like a penis insult, doesn't it? Or is that just me?

The worst thing about insomnia is. . .

. . . that sometimes you see it coming, because you start waking up earlier and earlier, every day, and having that wake-up preceded by stranger and stranger dreams. It's 5:45 one morning and 5:21 the next, and as you start to drift off just before eleven for the second night in a row, you think "sometime very soon, I'm not even going to make it to four."

And whether that's a self fulfilling prophecy or just because after all these years, you just know, you jolt awake that very morning from a dream where you led a crowd in stoning the president of a college that you never went to to death with boiled potatoes, to come face to face with an alarm clock that taunts you with the fact that it's 3:49.

And you run straight into the arms of a full fledged panic attack, prompted by the dream but rooted in the series of catastophic mistakes that have comprised the last eight to ten years of your life.

And the worst part is not that at that hour the terror prevents you from thinking about things rationally, but that you've become so skilled at denial that in your regular, waking life, you can keep yourself from thinking about it at all.

Handichef-ing the Field: Week Two of Top Chef Masters

I was watching Bravo's execrable display of untalented nastiness last week--no, not any of the Housewives shows, for once, but that piece of fetid smoldering crap they're running under the banner of The Fashion Show--and I felt immeasurably grateful that I'd given up on commenting about that epic, pus oozing crapfest in the second week.

Because darlings? If I'd had to watch last week's episode closely enough to write about it, I would've passed out from all the high school antics and bad design. I would still be in my bed, shivering and drooling, while kind friends showed me huge pictures of vintage Chanel clothing and brought kittens and puppies over to snorggle me to bring me back around.

It made me intensely happy for the good natured professionalism of Top Chef: Masters. At least, so far. Touch wood.

So here, as promised, are this week's competitors. I do think it looks like a much more balanced field this week--last week it was so clearly Keller takes on the World! But this week's batch are more evenly matched in terms of experience and so forth. So here they are:

First we have. . .Wylie Dufresne! An adorkable face well known to Top Chef aficionados.

You may know him from: Being the chef/owner of wd-50 and a big shot in the world of molecular gastronomy; winning a couple of Beard awards; making Marcel geek out by his very presence in the season two finale; judging the farmer's market/zoo challenge in season four; having his name pronounced "Doo-frez-nay" in season five.

In his favor: Like Keller, he's familiar with the top chef ouevre because of his experience on the opposite side of the table; he's a hot shot wizard that does magical things with food.

Against him: the geeks with the test tubes and the smokers and the foam have never won Top Chef. Simple food tends to win out in the end.

Verdict: Likely to Place. I don't think Dufresne has much chance of winning the whole kit and kaboodle. I do however, think he's one of the likely candidates to win this round and make it to the next level.

And next we have. . . .oh my god, it's a girl. Suzanne Tracht!

You may know her from: Los Angeles chophouse Jar; being ranked among Food & Wine's Best New Chefs in 2002.

In her favor: She's from Phoenix (holla!); the producers will want at least one girl in the Champions' Round.

Against her: This is not the girl they'll want in the Champions' Round.

Verdict: Not a snowball's chance in a GE Monogram Series Oven. And even less of a chance in an oven that actually works. Heyy-ooh!

And then we have. . . Graham Elliot Bowles.

You may know him from: Chicago's "bistronomic" Graham Elliot; three Beard nominations.

In his favor: Look at him. He's freaking adorable. I love his glasses, and I bet if you poked him in the belly he'd giggle accommodatingly.

More substantively, go to that website. His restaurant? I want to go to there. Not only does it all look highly nommable, the risotto has Cheez-Its in it. Cheez-Its, people!

Against him: Bistronomic is not an actual word; he's an adorable kid in the same round with Wylie Dufresne and Elizabeth Falkner.

Verdict: No way. But he'll go out winning a lot of fans and being freaking adorable the whole time.

And finally, we have. . . .Elizabeth Falkner!

You may know her from: San Francisco's Citizen Cake and Orson; a Beard nomination for Best Pastry Chef; getting that bitch Tiffani's panties all moist when she appeared as a guest judge on Top Chef season one.

In her favor: can't possibly complain if she has to do a dessert challenge; she's famous for avante-garde pastry designs and deconstructionist cooking. Also, she has a vagina. They're going to want at least one of those in the Champions' Round, and I think Falkner's a likely candidate.

Also, I hear she's kind of a bitch. Bitches tend to make it far in Top Chef. Not all the way--or at least not until Tom concocts a special rigged competition just for them because he can't get over his weird ginger fetish, Tiffani--but far.

Against her: she has a vagina; she's kind of a bitch; oft repeated rumors that her staff actually came up with a lot of those avante-garde pastries and deconstructed dishes and she took the credit.

Verdict: Most popular girl. I don't know that she has the best odds of any chick, but she at least has the best odds of any chick in this round.

Top Chef: Masters. And awaaaaaaaaay we go.

(Ok, poppets--I've been a bit under the weather for the last 24-ish hours, so forgive if this is less tipsily "ha! Hubert Keller's graaaaaaaaaaaaaate" and more feverishly "who am I? Why am I here?" than usual.)

So the first thing you need to know about Top Chef: Masters is that there's no Padma. Instead, we have Kelly Choi, who comes out in a very Padma-esque dress to do her Padma-esque role and tell us what we need to know about Top Chef: Masters.

The second thing you know about Top Chef: Masters is that rather than Judges' table, they have Critics' table. Said table is staffed by our own beloved Gail Simmons of Food & Wine; Gael Green, a NY Restaurant critic for over 40 years (and owner of some mesmerizing hats); James Ozeland the Editor in Chief of Saveur; and Jay Rayner , food critic with the London Observer.

So there's no Padma and no Tom Colicchio? The resemblance between this show and actual Top Chef gets slimmer and slimmer every moment. The hostess seems relatively sober, and they've replaced Tom with an old lady in jaunty hats.

Tom would never wear jaunty hats.

Anyway, getting started.

Los Angeles! The Top Chef: Masters kitchen, which is different from the regular Top Chef kitchen in that it says "Masters" in gold letters on the wall under the Top Chef logo.

Michael Schlow enters, and we get to hear about his background and restaurants. We get our Bravo mandated dose of Tom in an interview, where he tells us that Schlow has a "love for Italian food." He's competing on behalf of the Cam Neely Foundation.

You know what the worst part of this show is going to be? Having to endure all this biographical bullshit for the first six weeks.

Anyway, in comes. . . .Hubert Keller! He greets Michael and gives us some highlights of his extensive and awesome resume. Gail Simmons talks about him too, and he says he's unsettled by receiving a lifetime achievement "before I'm passing away." He says he's wanted to feel how it feels to be on the other side of the judges' table since appearing in the first season of Top Chef. Aw.

He doesn't tell us yet who he's competing on behalf of, which I automatically take as a sign that he'll win. If he's going to be around for weeks and weeks, we have plenty of time to hear about his charity.

Christopher Lee greets them. Gael Greene and her hat tells us that he's worked for Daniel Bouloud and Jean-George Vongerichten. He's playing for Autism Speaks.

Tim Love enters and drawls about his Texas restaurants. Jay Rayner says he's "the big Texan cook" and so he expects big flavors. Tom talks about some sort of trail drive Love did. He's playing for March of Dimes, and feels like he's the underdog because he's not formally trained.

(um, warning--don't click on that March of Dimes link unless you have a uterus of steel. They have an impossibly cute model baby as their banner)

They all set up their stations and rib each other good naturedly.

Kelly Choi enters and welcomes them to the Masters kitchen. She reminds them that they're competing for one spot in the champions round, and tells them that in each episode, they'll compete in a quickfire and an elimination challenge.

For each of their quickfires, they'll have to complete a task based on a favorite Top Chef Quickfire. Oh God, I hope someone makes cheeto penises. This time, they'll have to do the dish that "strikes fear into the heart of Top Chef competitors. . .. dessert!"

The Masters cheftestants prove that they're very much like the normal cheftestants by doing the usual whining about how they're not trained to do dessert and it's not fair.

Which seriously? Sack up. You have Beard awards. Make a fucking cupcake.

Choi reminds them about Richard's banana scallop from season 4, so the parameters this time are much the same. And they'll prepare them for people who are experts in sweets. . . Girl Scouts!

Tim Love is excited because he cooks for kids all the time. The Girl Scouts will rate the desserts on a scale of up to 5 stars. And there's a TV set up where the chefs will watch the Scouts rate the desserts.

The Scouts, however, don't know they're being watched. Yeah that's not creepy, a bunch of middle aged men watching four little girls in uniform eat dessert without the little girls' knowledge. Not creepy. Not creepy at all.

Kelly tells them that the Season Four cheftestants got 90 minutes, but since they're Masters, they only get . ..60. HA!

Food flurry! We see the usual array of Glad products, and Tim Love talks more about how he's not professionally trained. Then he takes a shot of tequila and juggles eggs. Ok, I kind of heart him.

Keller tells us he's playing for Make a Wish Foundation, and worries about baking a meringue in the 60 minutes. He's making something that with his accent, sounds like "shoklat swirl."

Scholow is making candies and a brownie like cake and about 6 other components. Immediately anyone who's seen an episode of Top Chef knows that this is too much.

Tim Love is making chocolate dipped strawberries, chicken fried strawberries, and a strawberry milkshake.

Note to self: Fried Strawberries. Nom nom nom.

He talks about how March of Dimes is close to his heart because his daughters were preemies.

Lee talks about trying to please the Girl Scouts but still keeping his integrity as a chef. He's making french toast and caramelized bananas. That sounds vaguely nommable.

Schlow is sweating balls because his cake isn't baking and his ice cream isn't freezing. Ouch. He has some semi-ready candies and plates them with the runny cake and runny ice cream. It looks like poo. Sick poo.

Commercial!

Back! Kelly goes to sit with the Girl Scouts and ask if they're excited about desserts. They put forth the most monotone "yeah" I've ever heard.

So the Girl Scouts. There are four of them. One we'll learn is named Victoria. One is an opinionated red-head, so we'll call her Ginger. One has vaguely ethnic looking hair, so we'll call her "the ethnic one." And one is kind of chubby. But since she's a child and we don't want to hurt her self esteem, we'll just call her "the other one."

So first they eat Schlow's Milk Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Chocolate Candies and Honey Almond Crunch. Victoria says it tastes like a tagalong , which is the Girl Scouts' peanut butter patty.

When I was a kid, they were called "Hoe-Downs."

The Ginger doesn't like the chocolate. The other one wants less of the molten cake.

All the while the chefs are watching this on the TV and busting a gut about how honest the girls are. Schlow says "I'll be honest--my dish sucked!" They're in much better humor than normal cheftestants, possibly because there's less at stake.

Next, they eat Love's Strawberries Three Ways. Victoria likes the fried one. Go Victoria! Girl after my own heart. Ginger, however, doesn't like the fried. I fucking hate Ginger. The other one doesn't like the shake.

Next up is Keller's, and they ooooooo over the plating. He's made a Chocolate Mousse Swan, Whipped Cream Mouse (OMG SO CUTE) and Fruit with Orange Tarragon. Victoria likes the mouse. (Lee says to keep Victoria and kick the "redhead out." HA!). Ethnic Girl Scout thinks it's cool. Ginger compares it to a trefoil, which is the shortbread Girl Scout Cookie.

I call bullshit on the repeated cookie comparisons. First of all, there's no way anything on this plate tastes remotely like a shortbread cookie. Second, there's no way their palates are that limited. I bet Choi asked them "what Girl Scout Cookie does this remind you of" or something, because there's no way they're just doing random free cookie associations just because they're Girl Scouts.

Finally they get Lee's French Toast with Caramelized Bananas, Orange Sauce, and Maple Syrup Fluff. Ginger says it's burnt. Ginger is a BITCH. She also hates the sauce. Ethnic Girl Scout compares it to a hash brown. Huh??? How is any of that like a hash brown?

Christopher Lee interviews that he's competing for Autism Speaks because of his autistic nephew.

Kelly takes their scores back to the kitchen. The Girl Scouts gave Michael 2.5 stars; Tim 3.5; Chris 3.5; and Hubert the full 5 stars.

Yay! He's flattered. The quickfire scores will be added to the scores from the elimination round, and one chef will get $10,000 for their charity and will move on to the champions round.

Elimination Challenge! Kelly tells them they're going back to college--they'll have to create a 3 course meal using a toaster oven, a microwave, and a hot plate for the critics and some students at Pomona.

Does anyone really still use hot plates? I've always been too freaked out by the fact that they're massive fire hazards.

The chefs will have $150 for food and access to a limited pantry. They'll be given 2 hours on-site tomorrow to prep and cook before sending their first dish out.

This being Top Chef and all, they roll up to Whole Foods in their Lexus sponsored Lexuses, and Schlow explains that there are 20 stars at stake in this challenge--5 from the diners; 15 from the judges. I mean critics.

I feel kind of bad for the chefs in this episode, since they have to do all the exposition for the rest of the series. I bet we see a lot more of the personalities in the other episodes.

Keller talks about how he never shops, then he hilariously loses his cart.

Lee is making Chinese inspired food because of his grandfather; Love is thrown off because there's no ground pork to make pork chili with. He leaves Whole Foods not entirely sure of what he's making.

Commercial!

Back! Prep time! They enter the Top Chef: Masters kitchen and make sure their food survived the night. You'd think this wouldn't be an issue, but it is: Love put his stuff in the freezer by accident. Doh.

Lee says that if Love can pull this off after freezing his produce, he should win.

They go to Pomona to cook.. . . in DORM ROOMS!!!! Oh my god, hilarious. The most complex thing I ever tried to make in my dorm room was a Creamette brand Hamburger Helper knockoff called Hamburger Mate. It was awful, but it did lead to a lot of pirate jokes (e.g. "aaaaaarrrrrrr, Hamburger Matey.")

2 hours. Keller talks about how he didn't go to college and never had a dorm room, and how he would've been a DJ if he wasn't a chef. Heart.

Tim Love works on defrosting his frozen veggies. Schlow is cooking and the student who lives in the room walks in. Schlow explains his menu (as with the regular series, we'll get to it later). Love lets the girl who lives in his taste his food.

One hour! Keller drains and cold shocks his pasta in the handicapped shower. AWESOME. I take back what I said yesterday--he IS Jesus. Or Kramer.

15 minutes! Love has dealt with the freezing of the food by making scallop carpaccio. Resourceful.

1 minute! The students file in. The chefs introduce themselves to the diners and the critics and Gael Greene's mesmerizing hat. Let me just point out that Gail Simmons, despite being in the intro, is not here. So even for Top Chef: Masters she can't be bothered to show up every week.

Service! First course. They start with Tim Love's Scallop Carpaccio with Lime and Chili. A student calls it interesting. Rayner can't feel the heat of the chili.

Next they have Schlow's Salmon Crudo with Cucumber, Mint, Red Chili and Kumquat. Rayner feels like the fact that they're all opening with appetizers that don't require cooking is a cheat to get around the limited cooking facilities. I agree with him.

Lee follows with Red Snapper Ceviche with Citrus Juices, Avocado and Popcorn. Rayner thinks it's most successful of the three. Gael Greene's mesmerizing hat nods.

Finally we have Keller's Scottish Salmon Over Creamy Whole Grain Mustard. Someone says it's delicious.

Second course! They open with Schlow, who's made Cabbage Soup with Smoked Bacon, Salmon and White Bean. Gael loves the spicy aftertaste; a student calls it an adventure in her mouth. That sounds kind of dirty.

Next is Lee's Creamy Risotto with Prosciutto di Parma. Speaking from beneath her hat, Gael says it's mushy and soft in the middle. Clearly this is Gael's course to talk--they seem to be taking turns.

Keller follows with his Hearty Carrot and Petite Pea Soup with Cinnamon Croutons. They like it.

They close with Love's Squash and Corn Pozole. Rayner says it "matches the dorm environment" which sounds like a burn, but isn't. Ozeland calls it"great football watching food" and "delicious." The funniest thing about this is that it depends on forcing yourself to believe that James Ozeland has ever watched football.

Third course. First up is Love's Skirt Steak and Braised Kale. Ozeland says it's salty; one of the students thinks it could've used more pizzazz. Ouch.

Then we have Schlow's Pork ala Apiscius with Broccolini and Mushroom. Rayner finds it peppery and quite sweet; Gael's hat says that it's not rare enough.

Keller has made Creamy Mac and Cheese with Prawns, Mushrooms and Fresh Herbs. Gael loves the first bite, and Ozeland aggrees with her. Though maybe he's just mesmerized by her hat. The students find it flavorful.

Finally we have Lee's Pan Roasted Pork Chop with Piperade, Crushed Red Bliss Potatoes, Mache and Fennel Salad. They think he pulled it off.

Kelly thanks the students and asks them to rate the food.

Commercial! Oh god, how I am looking forward to Theresa's table throwing.

Back! Oh, this is the fake back where they all puzzle over how to use the microwave, like it's from space or something. Keller calls it "orrifeek" and says "I 'ave one at 'ome, but I seenk it's just do dry zee newspaper, I guess." Again, this seems like a fire hazard to me.

Commercial!

Back! Judges' . . . .erm. . . .Critics' Table. Kelly thanks the chefs for a memorable time and says they all rose to the occasion.

They talk about the challenge. Ozeland asks Keller about his mac and cheese, and he tells the story about using the shower. Ozeland says this is TMI. Ok, I'm beginning to hate other guy since he's so hung up on the fact of the shower to appreciate the ingenuity of the shower. He is like the Ginger of the Critics' Table. Or, to go back to my previous analogy, the Puddy to Chef Keller's Kramer.

Rayner didn't "get" the soup, and Ozeland agrees that the cinnamon was overpowering. Gael and her hat, on the other hand, loved it. Since I'm pretty sure Gael's hat gets its own vote, that seems like a split decision.

Rayner asks Schlow about the flavor profile in the pork dish. Ozeland says he liked the broccolini. Gael agrees that the flavoring was good, but thought the pork was overcooked. He explains how he used the hot plate and toaster oven. Gael's hat talks about how tiny the hot plate was, complete with hand gestures to demonstrate the tinyness of it. Aren't all hot plates the same size? Anyway, then they talk about the soup, which Gael also loves.

Tim explains about his frozen food situation. Rayner is incredulous. I'm not sure whether he's more surprised by Tim's ability to overcome an obstacle like that, or his inability to tell the difference between a fridge and a freezer. Anyway, they liked the soup and Rayner was impressed with the sear on the steak but found it overseasoned.

Chris Lee talks about how he cooked the risotto. Rayner liked the flavor profile, but said it wasn't al dente. They ask about the pork chop and praise his execution.

The chefs return to the kitchen so the critics can rate their food. There's wine waiting for them in the kitchen, which is nice. I hope they have drunken antics like the other cheftestants.

The critics deliberate, and start off by gushing more about how the chefs overcame the circumstances. Gael's hat praises how they managed to think in a very different way, then they go back through the meals again. It's both super repetative and alarmingly positive. They're a lot less harsh than the judges in regular Top Chef. Or maybe the Master Cheftestants are just that much better.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs have returned to the critics' table. Kelly reviews the rules and starts to tell them their scores.

Schlow gets 3.5 stars from the student diners, and 2.5 from each judge. This gives him a total score of 13.5 stars for the episode.

Tim Love received 3 stars from the diners. Ozeland gives him 2.5 stars. Gael and her hat give him 2.5 stars. Rayner gives him 3 stars. So his total score is 14.5.

Michael is now out of the running, and dismissed to "return to the kitchen and pack your knives." That's fairly clumsy as a catch phrase, Kelly Choi. What's wrong with good old "please pack your knives and go?" It worked for Padma and Katie Lee Joel.

Moving on, Christopher Lee gets 4 stars from the dingers. Gael and her hat give him a 4. Ozeland gives him a 3.5. Rayner gives him a 4. Lee's total score is 19.5 stars.

Tim is dismissed. He hugs Schlow.

It's down to 2. Hubert needs 14.5 stars for the elimination round to take it and move on to the Champions Round.

Keller gets 4 stars from the diners. Rayner gives him 3.5 stars. Gael and her hat give him 4 stars. Ozeland gives him 4 stars. Keller's total score is. . .. 20.5 stars!

Yay! He eeks it out! Who could've predicted that? Oh, except me and all 5 of you who voted.

Keller gets the first slot in the Champions round and $10,000 for Make a Wish. The other chefs also get a donation for their charities, which is nice. They talk about what they learned from the experience, and go for another drink.

So ok--so far, I like it. Kind of. I think they need to cut way, way back on the exposition, which generally does happen after the first episode or two. And I'm not sure about Ozeland or Rayner. And I miss Tom.

But I like Kelly, and I like Gael, and I LOVE Gael's mesmerizing hats. And I really, REALLY love that with a minimum of 4 and a maximum of 6 cheftestants in each episode, it's a lot easier to recap this than it is the early episodes of Top Chef, where there are like 90 of them running around making dishes.

And then there's the damned if you do, damned if you don't factor. I appreciate that this show is going to be a lot more about the food than normal Top Chef. But at the same time, this means there won't be as much time to develop the chefs as personalities, which makes it harder to develop an emotional investment in the show.

Anyway, I'll give it a shot. At the very least, I have to last longer with this than I did with The Fashion Show, right?

This season! Cooking! Doo-frez-nay! Blindfolds! Oprah's Chef! Sabotage! DOOGIE!

That squealing noise you hear coming from Columbia Heights?

Yeah, that's me, being excited that tonight is the premiere of Top Chef: Masters!!!!

So excited. So. Excited. Since the fiasco that was my brief attempt at paying attention to The Fashion Show, I've been without competitive reality shows to devote my mocking time to.

I mean yes, there's Daisy of Love and Charm School, but those both make me kind of sad on a fundamental level.

And I thought about trying to mock The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but the truth of the matter is that there is a part of me that loves those Guido bitches, and covets their "juicy" husbands and wants to live in a "French shettow" furnished, granite and onyx walled house and feed my dog from the table while I explain that I "scheeve" the idea of waxing someone's chucky or bibi.

And also, Caroline's son "Christuhfuh"--not Albie, the golden child good looking one, but Christopher the schlub--looks so much like a younger version of an ex boyfriend that it freaks me out. I can't get past it. I scheeve how much Christopher looks like my ex.

So Top Chef: Masters it is, and it must be. And I wanted to do something to prepare for the first episode tonight.

The conceit of Top Chef: Masters is that the first six episodes, four chefs will compete in two challenges (quickfire and elimination, like regular Top Chef). One from each first round episode moves on to the final round of four episodes, where one chef is eliminated each week until the ultimate winner is crowned Top Chef: Master, and wins 100K for the charity of his/her choice.

Simple, right?

So my initial idea was that it would be awesome to do brackets. I love brackets, especially if I can force them into a context where I'm not required to pretend to know anything about college basketball.

Bleah, college basketball. Do not want!!

But the set up of the show doesn't really lend itself to brackets. So that idea fell by the wayside.

Anyway, I thought I'd do this: before the show (like, Mondays-ish from now on), I'll preview the four chefs appearing in that week's episode.

But I'll do so using my own completely arbitrary and invalid criteria which have little or nothing to do with actual culinary bona fides.

Sooooooo: here we go with week #1! May I have bachelor . . .. erm. . .Cheftestant Master numero uno?

Aha, it's Hubert Keller!

You may know him from: Being the genius behind Fleurs de Lys and other restaurants; appearing as a judge on normal Top Chef like 6 zillion times (someone more inclined than I can do the research--I think he may have the most TC appearances of any non-contestant or regular judge, but I've had too much wine tonight to bother verifying this).

In his favor: He's clearly familiar with Top Chef because of his prior appearances; this may make him better able to strategize for the challenges than his competitors. Also, he's from Alsace, as are some of my ancestors. Also, he has restaurants in St. Louis, which makes him automatically awesome. And with his hair down, he's kind of like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Against Him: Not actually Jesus. Overfamiliarity with the judging side of the genre may ultimately work against him. Having been in the field for a long time--will the judges feel like they've seen everything he has to offer?

Verdict: Early Favorite. He's my pick for this round, and I'd guess he makes it through the first two weeks of the second round before being the surprise elimination right before the final.

Number Two is. . .Christopher Lee!

You may know him from: working at Jean-Georges and Oceana; currently heading the kitchen at Aureole.

In his favor: He kind of has a fauxhawk. Fauxhawks have a strong history on Top Chef.

Against Him: Except for Hung, Fauxhawks never finish first.

Verdict: Little fish in the Master pond. I mean yes--God yes--he's had a great career so far. But he's no Hubert effing Keller.

Number Three: Michael Schlow!

You may know him from: Winning James Beard awards; Boston's Radius.

In his favor: oh my god, look at him? Don't you just want to hug him? Theresa on RHoNJ would call him "delicious and juicy*." He also apparently "began his culinary journey when he traded a baseball scholarship and a 92 mile-an-hour fastball for a set of Wusthof knives and a place at the Academy of Culinary Arts in New Jersey."

Oh my god, he's my ideal man. Except for the schlubbiness. Whatever. He's my ideal tough cousin who beats up guys who step to me.

Against him: Loveable schlubs never win. C.F.: Joey, Howie, Alex, Crying Dave, Miguel, etc.

Verdict: Comic Relief. Michael is here to provide a dose of badda-bing flavor to the episode. And to make me wish I still had an excuse to go to Boston on the regular so I could hug him.

And finalmente: Tim Love.

You may know him from: having the highest Zagat rating of any restaurant in the DFW area.

In his favor: His last name is Love.

Against him: He's from DFW, which, while a good-ish city (cities?), is not exactly foodie central. One of his restaurants is called "The Love Shack" which. . .sorry. . . makes me scheeve more than the thought of waxing someone's chucky ever could.

Verdict: Cannon Fodder.

So, lovers: who's your pick for this round?





* And for those of you who give a shit, Theresa with her "minus A" bubbies and Caroline are tied for my favorite NJ housewife.

Oh, WMATA.

I always thought that the area's "OMG TEH WITE STUFF!!!!" policy of closing schools every time there might possibly be snow somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard represented the height of overreaction.

Until I saw this:

Oh, Metro. Really? All that for a wet floor? A wet floor that isn't even visibly wet? On a day when it's going to intermittently pour?

Really?

Just mindin' my business, eatin food and finger lickin'

You knew it had to happen, right? Between my unhealthy Sandra Lee fixation and the fact that I never met a fast food product that didn't cause me to run right out and nosh the hell of it?

I mean, I ate most of a Meatnormous breakfast sandwich, for Chrissakes. I ate part of a really awful Chipotle Steak and Plantain Sandwich. I ate the Baconator.

So you knew I wouldn't be able to resist for long, right?

Kentucky Grilled tablescape ahoy:

And somehow I managed to talk Mysterygirl! into eating it with me, probably because I proposed it as some sort of grand social experiment where we ate it with boxed wine and Harper's Island to see how trashy we could be without actually knocking each other's front teeth out and wearing cutoff "jorts."

I got half grilled and half original with our meal so that we'd have some guaranteed deliciousness to fall back on if the grilled chicken turned out to be awful. And really, I was hoping it would be awful.

Either really, spectacularly awful or really, spectacularly delicious. Then, at least, I'd have something to say.

But the disappointing fact is, there's not a whole lot to say about Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

Ok, there's something I have to say about Kentucky Grilled Chicken: it ain't grilled, people!

For those of you who missed Steve Almond's article in the Post a few weeks ago:

KFC's "grilling" process involves no actual flames. Instead, the pieces are baked in a convection oven and imprinted with faux grill marks.

So really, it's all another one of Sandra Lee's big, horrible lies. It should really be called Kentucky Baked Chicken, because those imprinted faux grill marks?

Yeah, they ain't fooling anyone.

Since baked chicken is at least (? more?) healthy than grilled chicken, I can only assume that they're trying to trade on grilled chicken's reputation as being moist and juicy and delicious and packed with flavor.

I can only assume that they're trying to imply with their advertising that their "grilled" chicken will have the same delicious flavor as the Colonel's Original Recipe, but it will also be healthy for you.

But it's MADE OF LIES. The "grilled" chicken doesn't have the flavor of the fried chicken. It doesn't have half the flavor of the fried chicken.

In fact, it doesn't have much in the way of flavor. Period.

I mean, our initial reaction went something like this:

Chew chew chew. Silence. Chew chew chew.
"It tastes like. . . .chicken."
"Yeah. It's very. . . .chickeny."

And I suppose that's not the worst thing you could say about chicken. I mean we didn't say "OMG, it tastes like poo!!!!" or "Bleah! Bleah! Why are you feeding me this rubber tire disguised as food?????"

But we also didn't finish our grilled chicken.

The best way I can describe the grilled chicken in words is to say: it tastes like baked chicken.

But it tastes like baked chicken that someone didn't take a whole lot of time with. With a baked (or a grilled) chicken, you're used to someone having taken the time to baste it (or marinate it) with a tasty fat and some sort of delicious combination of herbs and spices.

Perhaps. . . .eleven different herbs and spices.

Kentucky "Grilled" chicken tastes like someone threw a chicken in the oven, basted it only in its own unadorned juices, and then stamped fake grill marks on it.

Or maybe it will help if I explain it pictorially: