Top Chef: Masters--a Little Off Tracht

Monotone no more
Suzanne Tracht must pack her knives
Because of cold fish.

(I thought I'd bring the haiku back for the champions' round, so that I'd get warmed up for the back-to-back premiers of Top Chef: Vegas and Project Runway: Lifetime, which are just around the corner. So exciting).

Ok, loves, I'm super tired--three hour insomnia fest from 2:30-5:30 last night, and I have a cold that's either on the wane or about to come back with a vengeance. So if this is short and you get deprived of your usual dose of The Funny or The Snarky. . . well, fuck yourselves in chocolate, then.

I will say that I think things picked up a bit in the Champions' Round. It's not as though it suddenly became a backstabbing fun fest or anything, but at least with six of them, there was less time for the cameras to show them all standing around being nice and boring. Also, the critics seem to have relocated their balls--some of those scores were low.

Anyway.

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters Kitchen! Everything is gleaming and GE-ish. The Champions enter for the Champions' Round, where K-Choi awaits them. She welcomes them and reminds them that 1 of them will win the grand prize of 100K for their charity.

There will be 3 rounds in the Champion round--the highest scoring chef in each round wins another 10K for his/her charity, while the lowest scorer gets eliminated. Art Smith interviews that he doesn't want to be eliminated. Well, duh, Art, you fat worthless load. Neither does anyone else.

Quickfire. They draw knives to choose teams, and are divided into Team Salt and Team Pepper for the mise en place relay race. Yay!!!

Team Salt is Keller, Lo, and Bayless. Team Pepper is the others. I am rooting for Team Salt, all the way baby! And the QF judge is. . . Tom Colicchio, who big gay art refers to as "Big Daddy himself." Urgh. Tom explains that the steps are shucking oysters, dicing onions, butchering chickens, and separating eggs and beating the whites until they hold upside down for 5 seconds. The winning team will get an advantage in the elimination round.

They divide up the duties and Anita reminisces about Casey laboriously chopping onions for 6 hours. Ha-ha, Casey sucked. Keller feels like the weight of the team is on him because c he's doing two tasks.

And we're off to the races! Oysters is Suzanne vs. Hubert. Suzanne seems a lot faster and more confident with it. Halfway through, though, Keller sees how ahead Suzanne is and kicks into high gear. They finish at exactly the same time.

Round 2, Onions, is Art vs. Keller. Art says something campy about how he's going to cry himself a river from chopping the onions. Bayless thinks about the differences between French and American onion chopping techniques. Big Gay Art finishes first. Booo.

Round 3, Chickens, is Chiarello vs. Lo, with Chiarello having a bit of a time advantage because of the onion round. Art tries to steal the spotlight back by promising Michael fried chicken for a lifetime if he wins. I will give Chiarello a lifetime of not referring to him as "molestery" in the future if he butchers Art like a chicken. They finish dead on.

Final round is eggs, with Art vs. Bayless. Chiarello tells Art to "put that limp wrist to work." HA! Homophobic humor is so awesome. Art has to fish yolks out of his whites, which gives Bayless an edge, and he wins! Yay!!!!! Yay team Salt!!!!

K-Choi tells Team Salt that they'll all go into the elimination challenge with 5 stars; Pepper starts with 4 stars. K-Choi then says that before the elimination challenge, they'll learn a bit more about each other--they'll each cook their signature dish for the other chefs. Lo muses that she's more nervous cooking for the other chefs than for food writers. Commercial!

Back! Bayless says that cooking for the other chefs is a privilege and a challenge, and recaps all of their styles/strengths which . . .we all know from the previous round. Look. I'm tired.

Then Art is obnoxious, but the particulars aren't interesting. Minor Food Flurry.

Dinner! They announce their dishes. Keller has made a Lobster and Truffle Cappucino with Corn Madeline. NOM. He reminisces about growing up above a pastry shop. Art has made Seared Grouper with Hearts of Palm Trumpet Mushrooms and Meyer Lemon Juice. He fame whores about how he fed it to the Obamas for Valentines. Shut up, asshole. Lo has made Seared Scallops with Potato Puree and Bacon, Sea Urchin, and Mustard Greens. Chiarello's dish is Fennel Balsalmic Quail with Mosto Cotto, Mostarda, Sauteed Greens and Roasted Apples. Suzanne has made Chopped Sirloin with Green Peppercorn Sauce and Fried Egg. NOM. She says she likes to keep things simple, but with great flavors. Bayless has made Rack of Lamb and Black Pastilla Chile with Mission Figs. NOM. Bayless talks about how he first went to Mexico working on a PhD in anthropology.

K-Choi returns, having not partaken in the dinner because it's for the chefs and because god forbid she eat anything. She tells them that their elimination challenge will be to put their own spin on a competitor's dish. Bayless says "that's mean!"

Hubert gets first choice because he did two tasks for the winning team. He picks Anita's dish. Everyone else has to pull knives. Rick is matched with Chiarello; Big Gay Art gets Suzanne.

They get $300 and 45 minutes to shop, with 2 hours to cook tomorrow for a round-table of 6 influential diners. Commercial!

Back! Whole Foods! Chiarello talks about how Bayless's food is the best because he has respect for Mexican cooking. Bayless has decided not to Mexicanize Michael's dish because it's too predictable.

Back to the kitchen! Food flurry! Art Smith talks about how he didn't get into the restaurant business until about a year and a half ago because he was too busy being a whore for Oprah. Hubert says he was inspired by Anita's combination of the mashed potato and the urchin. Anita's lobster starts trying to escape, but she kills him. She's fierce. I like her. Art flambes something in a pan. Insert flaming Art joke here. Art is reinterpreting Suzanne's dish with hard boiled eggs stuffed into lamb burgers; Suzanne is making Art's more complex by adding gnocchi. Chiarello talks about how his family is from Calabria (mine too! Mine too!), so they have the Mexican mentality toward chilis (we also invented sopressata, so vaffancuolo, polentoni).

45 minutes left! Suzanne is worried about the grouper because it's a difficult fish to cook. She plates before everyone else, though. Foreboding!

Dinner! Art serves first, and the other diners are some of the Top Chef Master challengers: Moonen, LeFebvre, Falkner, Peel, and Cimarusti. He frets that they'll be tough. And then there's Raymer, Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET hat, and Ozeland. Oh my god, this is the best Gael Greene Hat in the HISTORY of Gael Greene's hats.

Art has made a Ground Lamb Scotch Egg, Sweet Potato Fries, and a Tomato Tart. Falkner says it would be better if the egg was less cooked. Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat says Art likes to put dessert on the plate.

Next is Bayless. He worries that Ludo is unpredictable. His dish is Quail with Parsnip and Prosciutto over Wild Greens. I would NOM that, and I'm not big on game birds. Falkner is totally surprised that there's no spice, but Moonen compliments his lack of "typecasting." Ludo thinks it's great. Wow, that WAS unpredictable.

Suzanne has made Roast Grouper with Gnocchi, Peas, Bacon and Parsnips. Falkner's fish is overcooked and her gnocchi is cold. Nooooo.. . . Ozeland thinks the fish was cooked brilliantly "once upon a time" but has sat about for too long.

Keller presents Seared Scallop with Cream of Sea Urchin over Fingerling Mashed Potatoes. Ok, I'd eat that. I'd break out in hives a minute after I finished and would have to be rushed to the hospital, but I'd eat it. Several people mention how perfectly the scallop is cooked. Ludo says he can taste the ocean.

Chiarello has made a Rack of Lamb Stuffed with Fig Mostarda, Chickpeas and Fried Rosemary. I don't get his obsession with the mostarda, and that dish is more like his own dish than Bayless', but I'd still nom it. Cimarusti thinks it should be more cooked and more seasoned. Lee likes it. Ludo says it has "a leetle bomb flavor somewhere."

Lo wraps things up with Corn Chawanmushi Champagne Jelee and Lobster Biscuit Sandwich. TRES NOM. Falkner loves her thinking. Moonen raves about the lobster

The chefs toast; the critics are turned away, and the diners rate the dishes. Commercial!

Back! Oh, fake back. It's very Artcentric Art talks about how he's a big lover of fun. Bayless says they all like him. Chiarello loves him like a little brother. Oh, god this is tiresome. Too much goddamn Art! He should be fed to carnivorous shrimps.

Back! Critics' Table. The chefs enter and K-Choi reminds us what the rules are. Hubert explains why he chose Anita's dish, and Ozeland compliments his scallop. Raymer asks if he thought there was enough urchin.

Lo was mostly happy with how her dish came out, and Raymer asks if she hesitated to "go radical." She thought it was important to put her spin on it. Ozeland compliments the biscuit and asks if she has a "secret Southern background." She reveals that her mother went to school in Tennessee and Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat says she's "so full of surprises."

Art explains his reinterpretation of Suzanne's steak. Ozeland found the meat a bit rare, while Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat thought the egg was overcooked.

Suzanne talks about her Grouper and Ozeland says it was a bit cold. She worries that she plated too soon. Raymer asks if she thought the fish was cooked as it should be.

Rick says he did an "homage" to Michael's quail dish. GG's PVH says the flavors were beautiful. There's a nice discussion of bacon, pancetta, and prosciutto that I drool over slightly, causing my keyboard to short out so I can't accurately describe it. Ozeland says the dish had "fresh innocence" and Rick jokes that "no one's said fresh innocence in my presence for a really long time!" Ok, Bayless grows on me every time I see him. I'm sorry I ever said he looked like a pedophile.

Michael goes last and a few people indicate that their lamb was a bit rare. Ozeland says it was "so much like Michael that I wasn't really getting a sense of Rick through the dish." Michael gives some convoluted explanation about how he was trying to respect Rick, and Raymer says "so this challenge, you were thinking more about what Rick thought than what we did." Chiarello says yes.

The critics review. GG's PVH would've liked more urchin in the sauce. Ozeland raves about the lobster. The luxury of Gael Greene's PURPLE VELVET Hat kicks in, and she calls it "intellectual, sensuous, and delicious." Then she says that Art's "grotesque huge ball of undercooked lamb with the egg in the middle was just terrifying." YES. Oh, PURPLE VELVET Hat, I love you so. Anyway, Raymer liked the fries. Big shitty deal. They're fries.

Raymer thinks Suzanne was let down by her protein, and Ozeland says the resting ruined it. Raymer thinks Michael was uncomfortable with his dish and tripped himself up. They all love the chickpeas. Then they rave about Rick's dish, and his quiet respect of Michael's original dish.

They call the chefs back in. What, no commercial first? I got caught out forwarding through some stuff that I assumed was preview but turned out to be actual show. . . god I'm tired.

An-ee-way. K-Choi tells Rick and Anita that they have the highest scores. Rick has 4.5 from the diners; 5 from Ozeland; 4 from GG's PVH; and 4.5 from Raymer. His total is 23. Anita has 4.5 from the diners; 5 from Raymer; 4.5 from Ozeland; and 5 from GG's PVH. Anita has a total of 24, and wins another 10K for Share. She wonders if she can just go home now on this high note. She's adorbs.

The winners are sent out. One of the remaining four will go home. And NOW we go to commercial.

Back! Michael gets a 3 from the diners; a 3.5 from Ozeland; a 4 from GG's PVH; and a 4 from Raymer for a total of 18.5.

Hubert gets a 4 from the diners; a 4.5 from Raymer; a 4 from GG's PVH; and a 4 from Ozeland. He has 21.5, and is safe. Yay! He returns to the kitchen.

Art gets 3 from the diners; 2.5 from Ozeland; 3 from GG's PVH; and 2.5 from Raymer. His total 15. OOOOHHHH! DARE I DREAM???? Michael gets to go back to the kitchen.

Finally we have Suzanne, with a 3 from the diners and a 2.5 from each of the judges. Ouch. And so my dream dies, because her total is 14.5. Art is safe by half a star. Piss. Suzanne has to pack her knives. She tells the other chefs it's been an honor.

Next: catering for Zooey Deschanel! Twists! Restrictions!

Cherry Scene Investigation.

I made cherry-chocolate-chunk ice cream this weekend.

It's delicious as all hell, but not narratively interesting. Sweet cream base, chunked up dark chocolate, diced cherries. The end. It's basically a reinvention of Cherry Garcia.

The one thing it does demonstrate, though, is. . .

. . .my chronic inability to cook anything with cherries without my kitchen looking like a crime scene afterward.

Stop me before I kill again!

(also, apparently this is my 1000th post? Who knew that much pointless dreck could fit in my relatively tiny body?)

Jordan Baker continues to read the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine so you don't have to

There are few things worse than having a sinus cold. One of those things, though, is having a sinus cold in the summer. Another is drifting in and out of medicated consciousness trying to deal with said sinus cold while watching the Cardinals lose and wondering when the Phillies started wearing those bizarre blue uniforms.

And a third is subjecting yourself to 106 pages of fluorescent awful during a prolonged period of consciousness while your sinuses are going "ow. OWWWWW."

So we're sticking with the June/July cover format of standing REALLY CLOSE to the camera in front of a plain white background while holding a cake rather than the previous format of standing in middle distance in front of a fake window while holding a cake.

But more to the point: what in the sweet bluedilly fuck is she wearing? Is that a mumu? A hot pink mumu? A batiked hot pink mumu???

Has a less flattering garment ever possibly been created?

And then you open it up and the first thing you get is another ad for the Semi Homeamade Weekend, October 16-18 in Atlanta. A mere $399! Space is Limited! And yet. . . .it doesn't seem to have filled up just yet, despite appearing in every single copy of this magazine, being plastered all over this website, and e-mailed to the Semi-Homemade mailing list on a semi-monthly basis.

I mean, is it possible that there are people who aren't jumping to spend $399--oh, not to mention the minimum $188 per night that you'll spend for a room--to go to interactive decorating and entertaining sessions, tablescape and cooking demonstrations, and a cocktail time! reception?

Anyway. Onto the meat!

1) The Letter from Sandra tells us that "the inspiration behind every page of this summer-sweet issue" comes from the "pinks, corals, purples, blues, oranges, and greens" that make up the "lush landscape" near her home at Lilly Pond.

This explains a lot--as I mentioned briefly in my last post, the theme for this issue is fluorescent. It's not pink or orange or yellow--it's fluorescent. It is every bright, hot, throbbing color known to humankind. This makes it simultaneously painful on the eyes (and sinuses) and weirdly mesmerizing.

2) Behind the Scenes shows us pictures from. . . behind the scenes of some episodes of Semi-Homemade. It's not at all interesting, and not even cohesive--there are people wearing pastels, there are jewel toned satin smocks, and there are her seven million nieces and nephews.

Then there's something called 3) Popping Potpourri

which is our normal monthly trainwreck of crap that Sandra wants us to buy--one of her books, naturally, and then a bunch of fluorescent things those folding chopping boards, a pair of pizza scissors (pizza scissors?) and, of course, the ubiquitous apron. Oh, and a floral ponytail holder that you should accessorize your apron with. Because it's tres important to accessorize your apron.

4) On Our Web Site: things you can find. . .on the website. It's some extra recipes and stupid craft projects, in case 106 pages of recipes and stupid craft projects aren't enough for you.

Then we have one of my favorite features: 5) Shortcut Chic! The feature where Sandra tells us to save time by doing such chic things as. . . .wrapping a champagne bottle in ribbon remnants to give as a hostess gift.

Which totally saves you tons of time over plopping it into a wine bag, or just handing it to your hostess and going "look! free booze!"

Then there's a brief period of time where I want to stop making fun of the feature for a second, because it has you making croissants stuffed with Nutella and white chocolate, or frozen fruit treats, and those are things I can support. But then there's this:

"Celery Celebration. Surround an inexpensive vase with celery stalks for a surprising centerpiece. . .secure stalks to the vase using floral adhesive."

So you're gluing celery to a vase. I mean, above and beyond the fact that it's bizarre to use celery to decorate a vase, but you're basically throwing the vase away. Because celery is pretty hearty, but it doesn't stay good forever, and no matter how inexpensive a vase is. . . do you really want to a) keep it around after it's got brown, moldy celery glued to it, or b) throw away your vase because it has brown, moldy celery glued to it?

Then there's an ad of sorts, but it's an ad for Sandra related stuff. So if you want to go take the first annual readership survey at semihomemademag.com (for a chance to win one of three $100 AmEx gift cards), or tell semihomemademag.com/ppsweeps about your pantry staple (for a chance to win a fully stocked pantry), then go to.

5) 20 Minute Money Saving Meals is the new name for the 5-day meal planner where you can reportedly feed a family of four for about $15 a meal. This week, your family will be eating Tricolor Pasta with Focaccia; Sloppy Joes with Fast Spicy Fries (which are Ore-Ida fries with McCormick steak seasoning); Spaghetti and (frozen from the bag) Meatballs with Zucchini Rounds; Artichoke Chicken Bake; and Stuffed Bell Peppers with Green Olive Bread Sticks (breadsticks made from crescent rolls wrapped around olives and sprinkled with southwest marinade from a packet).

Continuing with the food section, we have 6) Back to Breakfast. Now, children, you all know that I believe that breakfast is the most important--and often the most delicious--meal of the day. . .

. . . but I'm afraid I can't endorse these gross looking messes. They're the Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit Casserole and the Huevos Rancheros Strata.

The truly horrible part is, they don't sound too bad in theory. But the "beauty shots" of them look so gross. If your "beauty shots" are that awful, then what does the real thing look like?

Then there's a whole 3 page spread on 7) Fast & Flavorful Tilapia. Oh, the things Sandra can do to tilapia. She can pan sear it in panko! She can broil it with Succotash! She can Bake it with lemon and dill!

That's all she can do with tilapia.

8) Sandra's Super 7 is where she shills. . . .um, shares. . .her favorite supermarket finds that will complete the perfect pantry. This issue, the products are the aforementioned meatballs in a bag; barbecue sauce; food coloring; Nutella; premade meringue cookies; a Boboli crust; and Classico Pesto. Yawn.

Then we have instructions on how to make a 8) Quick White Cake (3 Ways).

This, seriously, is a thing of beauty.
Because, you see, the first way to make a quick white cake is to buy an angel food cake, pipe some obscene mixture of cream cheese and whipped topping all over it, gouge some ladyfingers into the side, and top it with strawberries and maraschino cherries.

And the way to make a quicker white cake is to spread the cream cheese mixture onto it rather than piping it, gouge some ladyfingers into the side, and top it with strawberries and maraschino cherries.

And the way to make the quickest white cake is to spread the cream cheese mixture on, and just throw some strawberries at it.

I know your heads are spinning from the radical differences between those three recipes, but I hope you have time for 9) Summer Sweets, which I'm not going to make fun of, because made from mixes or not, they look pretty alright to me.
I am going to include a picture of the Strawberry Pineapple Cake, because I'm a sucker for pink cake. It loses points, though, because it's frosted in "Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting," which is not much more than cream cheese mixed with strawberry jam, strawberry extract, butter, and powdered sugar.

BARF. What is this woman's obsession with mixing cream cheese and jelly? I mean, I like cream cheese with jelly, but when you blend the two together, it becomes a gross, gynecological looking mess. Trust.

Oh look, it's 10) Kimber's Heirloom Easy.
aaaaaaand we're back to pictures that prove Sandra hates her sister.

This time, Kimber's Heirloom dish is Ravioli. Naturally, the "heirloom" way to make ravioli is to make the ravioli and the sauce from scratch. The Semi-Homemade way to make them is to make your own ravioli. . . using wonton wrappers. . . and top them in Newman's Own marinara.

Now, nothing against Mr. Newman, because I adore him and his sauce, but wouldn't it be easier/more normal to make the sauce and buy premade fresh ravioli? There are great packaged raviolis, while making them from wonton wrappers sounds like it could be pretty fucked up.

Also, no matter what Food Network tries to make you believe, wonton wrappers are not easy to find. So really, folks--either make your own or buy the delicious ones that Harris-Teeter sells premade in the refrigerated section. Don't go to these overly complicated and not at all tasty half measures.

For a special treat, Sandra wants your heirloom recipes so Kimber can fuck them up. . . erm. . . convert them to Semi-Homemade versions. Has Kimber run out of recipes to bastardize already? Anyway, you can submit yours at semihomemademag.com and see what kind of havoc the Lee girls wreak on it.

11) From One Semi-Homemaker to Another is where other semi-homemakers send in their recipes. It's the usual flock of winners--we have Chicken Parmigiana made with frozen breaded chicken tenders; pecan crusted chicken with garlic rice made with Uncle Ben's rice; pesto penne salad made with jarred pesto; and beef pot pie made with Italian-style beef roast and refrigerated pie crust.

BURF.

But then to make up for the burfy pot pies of doom and horror, we have the best. Thing. Ever. It's called 12) Just Ripe For Fun
And it's a WATERMELON CAKE!!!!!!!!!!

It's not watermelon flavored, mind you--it is, in fact, just white cake mix with red food coloring added to two of the layers, and currants to represent the seeds. But look how freaking adorable it is!!!

There's also a watermelon punch (pureed watermelon in pink lemonade with watermelon kool-aid and lemon lime soda); a watermelon margarita (the watermelon punch with booze added) and instructions on how to make your own grilled pizza.

The second idea for the entertaining feature is an 13) Endless Summer Party, which is kind of luau-esque and involves coconut mojitos, salmon rolls, a salad, bread, pork kabobs, and a grilled peach ice cream parfait.

14) Crystal Clear is a bunch of clear shit you can buy. Like glasses. And cake pedestals. and a wine bucket. It is, if anything, even less fascinating than it sounds.

The feature on 15)Decadent Drinks and Bite-Size Delights is another one I don't quite feel like making fun of, mostly because I have a sore throat and all of the drinks look completely delish. The food is negatable--it's basically jell-o, baked apples, tiny cheese balls, "Eton Chaos shooters" (mini servings of faux Eton Mess); and bruschetta.

But the drinks? There's an Orange Sangria that looks pretty good; a Pineapple-Mango Slush (with rum) that looks REALLY good; a Tomato-Basil Cocktail (made with Clamato) that makes me want to vomit; a Blushing Grapefruit Cocktail that I could make with what's in my house now. . . .

. . .and then I did, because shut up, I have a cold and citrus is good for you. . .

. . . an Orange-Sage Martini that looks completely refreshing and delicious; and a carrot ginger cocktail that I'm pretty sure I'd try even though I don't like carrot juice.

So that's 4 out of 6 that I would drink, one that I actually am drinking right now, and one that makes me want to vomit. On balance, that's not bad odds.

16) Party In Color is where she runs out of pink and orange fluorescent crap and switches to blue and purple fluorescent crap.



17) Colorful, Clever, and Clutter Free is where Sandy gives us her usual stolen from Real Simple ideas on how to organize your home. It's all pretty basic stuff. . .

. . . except for the part where she advises you to "Make countertop cleaning easier by placing everything on a cake stand." And here I could go into my usual "yes, all those extra cake stands you have standing around" rant, but really I'm more confused as to why she didn't feature this in her "different things you can do with a cake stand!" feature two issues back rather than defaulting to "you can put a cake on it!" Because using a cake stand to organize your kitchen is a new and different (though slightly insane) thing to do with a cake stand. Putting a cake on it? Not so much.

Speaking of that feature, this month we have 18) Smooth as Glass. Things you can do. . . with a vase!


And this is too good to be true, but #1 is "fish in a vase." Which just makes me thing of "Dick in a Box."

One. . . .put your fish in a vase
Two.. . your fish dies in the vase!
Three. . .then he floats in the vase

And that's the way you get. . . a dead fish in a vase!

Other things you can do with your vase include layering different colors of beans in it, putting flowers in it (I know. Shocker), and making it into an impromptu hurricane lamp.

19) When Girls Gather is the feature where you invite your friends over to do a stupid craft and drink. This issue, you're drinking a Chameleon Peach Cocktail, which, again, looks pretty damn good, but really it's just peach schnapps and vodka with a fruit juice ice cube in it.

The craft this time is that you're making fruity based salad dressings. Oh . . .what fun. Nothing's better than gathering your girls to chop up some fruit, boil it with vinegar, and puree it while you all get liquored up. Now I feel guilty for not forcing all the ladies to make dressing the last time we hung out.


20)Serving Up Love features Sandra working with Meals on Wheels, and making a Strawberry Soda Cake, which looks like it has the same general recipe principles and flatness issues that Retro's Old Fashioned Birthday Cake did.

We close with a recipe for a 21) Meatball Sub, presumably made with the leftover bagged meatballs from the dinner you made your family earlier this month.

And that's it. Let me point two things out: there are fewer features/articles in this issue than there have been in any previous issue. There are also fewer ads. Way fewer ads. And what ads there are are for Sandra related events/websites/promotions.

Is this a sign that this magazine is hemhorraging money? Am I even going to get the full 7 issues that my grandpa's birthday money paid for?

Top Chef: Masters--You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice.

(Name that musical, children)

Ok. On the plus side, I've never seen a group of chefs be so nice to each other as they were last night.

On the negative side, that made it so freaking boring I can hardly stand to think about the episode.

It's especially frustrating to have to think about such a nice freaking group when my August/September issue of Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade magazine arrived yesterday, and it's so full of delicious awfulness that I can hardly stand waiting to write about it.

The theme color for the issue is fluorescent. Fluorescent, people!

Anyway. On with the nicey nicey boring niceness.

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters kitchen! Jonathan Waxman enters. He talks about how he's been a chef since 1971. Tom says he's "the godfather" and trained accomplished chefs like Bobby Flay. Gail says he changed the culinary landscape by opening Jams in the '80s. His charity is Meals on Wheels. He says he's his own competition

Next, Roy Yamaguchi! Gail runs through his impressive credentials. Roy explains how he fused his ethnic background with the French sauces he learned during his CIA training. Ozeland says he's the king of fusion. Roy's charity is Imua Family Services.

Then we have that fat load Big Gay Art. Gael Greene's Hat says everyone thinks of him as "Oprah's chef," and the face under the hat sneers appropriately at this. It's delicious. I love you, Gael Green's Hat! Gail talks up Art's qualifications. Art's charity is his charity, Common Threads.

Finally, we have Michael Cimarusti. Gail says he's an extraordinary seafood chef. He thinks his focus on fish makes Providence unique. Yes, because there are no other restaurants that focus solely on seafood. His charity is the Grameen Foundation. He's the youngest in this group of chefs by about 10 years. He was, in fact, a line cook for Waxman when he was 19 or 20.

Enter K-Choi. She asks if the past judges have an advantage. Waxman says Art has a weight advantage. HAH. He's my favorite now.

Quickfire! They draw knives, which all have numbers on them. She tells them they'll be recreating the Aisles challenge from Season 3--they have to cook a dish from the supermarket aisle corresponding to the number on their knives. This is where Hung made his awesome Smurf Village. Oh, and Brian Malarkey won or something. Their budget is $20.

Big Gay Art lists all the famous people he's cooked for, which is completely irrelevant except for the fact that he's a fucking fame whore.

Whole Foods! Waxman frets about how he hate things in jars and cans, which is all that's in his aisle, and then he gripes about how he can't see well. The fact that Waxman is SO DAMN OLD (58) will become kind of a theme for this episode. Cimarusti is in the baking and pastry aisle, and thinks about escape. He says he stays away from pastry since his wife is a pastry chef. Aw. Yamaguchi is in an Italian aisle. Big Gay Art has beans and grains, which seems like an unfair advantage to me. Anyone can make a meal out of beans and grains (I personally have eaten arroz con frijoles three nights this week. Recession, people).

Then for no apparent reason Big Gay Art molestorily says "Michael, you're a young little chicken and I'm an old rooster, and I can teach you a few things." It's gross.

Back to the kitchen! K Choi shows them their judges, who are some random Whole Foods employees. They have 30 minutes to cook. Yamaguchi freaks out about the lack of Asian ingredients (fish sauce, soy sauce). Waxman and Big Gay Art have troubles with the same pressure cookers that flummoxed Cindy Pawlcyn a few episodes back. Here's what I've learned from Top Chef: Masters--old people are confused by pressure cookers. Cimarusti helps them out. Big Gay Art whores some more about all the famous people he's cooked for. Once again, this has nothing to do with anything. Fat load.

Times Up! Commercial!

Back! Roy's dish is served first: a Pasta with Fried Egg and Asian Flavors. The Whole Foods people freak out about the egg on the pasta. They've never seen this before. To which I can only say--really? REALLY??? That's what I eat for dinner if I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks. It's so basic. And they've NEVER had it?

Huh.

Anyway, Jonathan has made a Mint, Lentil and Roasted Pepper Salad. The Whole Foodies seem to like it, though one thinks it has too much onion

Art goes next with a Multi Grain Risotto with a Crispy Rice Salad. The Whole Foodies love it.

Cimarusti goes last with his Chocolate Parfait with Ginger and Sauternes Syrup and Crispy Sesame Crackers. The foodies seem mixed--two love it, one doesn't.

K Choi comes back with their ratings. Waxman gets a 3.5; Roy earns a 4; Art gets a 4.5 and gloats that he's going to take the show. But then: Cimarusti gets 5 stars. HAH!!! Suck it, Big Gay Art. He thinks his pastry chef wife would be proud. Aw.

Elimination Challenge: they draw knives again, but are told not to reveal what's on their knife--it's another chef's name. They have to create a mystery box for the chef who's name is on the knife. The chefs will then make a dish using 7 ingredients from that box.

This is so. . .reality show. There's so much room here to fuck people over. Can you imagine Hosea doing this? He'd make Fabio a box full of non Italian things, like radishes and gefiltefische, and then he'd bitch when someone did the same thing to him.

So the chefs go back to Whole Foods. They have 45 minutes and $300. Waxman says it's unthinkable to sabotage the other chefs. Good for you, Waxman! Art and Cimarusti express similar feelings, with Cimarusti saying there's more camaraderie with Masters than there is among the normal cheftestants. Well, yes. Meaning. . . .there's camaraderie, at all.

Commercial!

Back! The four of them are having dinner with K Choi. It's very homey and lovely. Ok, that's the fakeout scene.

Promo for Top Chef, Vegas! Yay!!!

Really back! K Choi, wearing a bizarre outfit that makes her look like an extra from the original Star Trek series, has them reveal their boxes.

Roy's box is for Art, who's afraid he'll have to torture a creature. Implying that the Asian guy is going to set you up to kill some sort of exotic beast? Yeah, that's not racist or anything. Anyway, he loves his box with chicken and corn and yams. Roy wanted to set him up for success to showcase his talent. Yay Roy.

Art's box is for. . .Roy! huh. Roy's got all sorts of island type ingredients. Ok, there's support, and there's pigeonholing, and somehow this seems like crossing the line a bit. Not that Roy hasn't set exactly up with that "OMG, I cannot cook without fish sauce!!!!" freakout earlier in the episode.

Michael's box is for Waxman, and he's given him pork and other ingredients that reflect his sensibility.

Waxman's box is, naturally, for Michael, and he's denied him fish. Ok, that's. . .kind of douchey, since Michael is the fish guy, but he's still got good ingredients.

They have 2 hours to cook, and must use 7 of the 11 ingredients in their boxes. Food Flurry! Roy reflects on how the time constraints are hard on him. Cimarusti talks about how he's known for fish, but he's certainly comfortable cooking with meat. Now he sounds defensive about it.

Waxman talks about how he's old and can't see. Argh, we get it already. Art Smith says something horribly cliche about how his mother taught him that food was love. Being fed on that sort of ridiculous tripe as a child, is it any wonder that he was attracted to Oprah as an adult? Roy has difficulty cooking his mahi mahi because they're not cut evenly. Waxman plates fancier than he does normally. Cimarusti runs out of time to sauce.

The diners enter. Gail is back!

Big Gay Art serves first, and says "if you feed people they will come." He puts a decidedly sexual inflection on it, and thus defiles Field of Dreams and cements my hatred of him. He has made Fried Chicken Two Ways and Mango Pie. Gail says it "oozes Art Smith. It oozed out of him when he was talking about it." I don't know that I'd want to eat something that oozed out of Art Smith. Ozeland thinks it's too much in his comfort zone.

Roy serves next, and he has made a Short Rib Kalbi and Mahi-Mahi. It changes Gael Greene's Hat's impression of mahi mahi, because she thinks it's usually boring, but one of the students says too much lemongrass.

Cimarusti has made a Loin of Lamb with Sunchoke Puree, Brocolli Rabe and Roasted Cauliflower. Gael Greene's Hat loves the sunchoke puree. Ozeland says nothing tasted "inappropriate or bad," but nothing was delicious except the meat. Wow, I don't know if I'd ever describe anything I've eaten as "inappropriate."

Finally, Waxman presents his "retro 80's" dish: Pork Sausage and Chop with Cauliflower and Celery Root Puree and Black Truffle. Waxman reflects on how he and Gael go way back. Gael loves the philosophy of the dish. Ozeland finds it a successful home cooking kind of dish. The students also enjoyed it.

Back in the kitchen, the chefs reflect on the meal. Commercial!

Back! K Choi thanks them for the dinner. Cimarusti gets questioned first. Gael Greene's Hat thought his dish was better without the sauce. Ozeland asks if he thought the ingredients were synchronous, and Cimarusti says he just wanted to bring out the flavors of the ingredients.

Art is next and does his stupid food is love schtick again. The critics loved the cobbler. Then there's a little Waxman/Art love fest, and Gail says it's a real change for her, which is SO TRUE when you think of all the backstabbing and bitchassedness she's put up with in 5 seasons of normal Top Chef. Ozeland was concerned about having the two chickens on the plate, but it was good.

Roy found it fast and challenging. K Choi's fish was overcooked, but Gael Greene's Hat's piece was perfect. However, she didn't think it worked as a plate. Gail liked the marinade. Roy admits to having problem thinking on his feet.

They talk about how Waxman's plate may have caused problems with his sauce distribution. Gail loved the truffles; Gael's Hat loved the exuberance. And blah blah blah love fest, he talks about how the other chefs fed his creative process. This show is TOO NICE. I mean, it's great that they're nice, but they're nice to the point where they obliterate all drama.

The chefs go back and drink while the critics deliberate. Gail is awed by their camaraderie, and loved Art's chicken. Ozeland felt that Roy's internal conflict showed up on the plate. Gail liked the individual components of Michael's, but didn't think they were all related. Gael says everyone loved Waxman's plate, but Ozeland didn't love the truffle. He does, however, think it was the most fundamentally connected plate of the four. Commercial!

Ooh, there's a new Atlanta housewife? Why do they always have to add a new chick in the second season?

Back! Time for scores. Waxman gets 4.5 from the diners; 4 from Ozeland; 4 from Gael Greene's Hat, and 4 from Gail for a total of 20.

Roy gets a 3 from the diners; a 2.4 from Gael Greene's Hat; a 3 from Gail, and a 2.5 is Ozeland. Augh. His total is 15. Double Augh. Poor Roy.

Michael gets a 3.5 from the diners; a 3.5 from Gael Greene's Hat; a 3.5 from Gail; and a 2.5 from Ozeland. His total is 17.5.

At this point, my notes say "Oh, god, this is awful" because the inevitability of that fat load Art Smith winning is overwhelming me.

And sure enough, he gets a 5 from the diners; a 3 from Ozeland; a 4.5 from Gail; and a 5 from Gael Greene's Hat. His total is 22. AUGH. AUGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

Art wants to call his mother. Ooooookay. Roy reflects on the friendships. Waxman thinks they all did well. Oh my god TOO NICE.

Next: Round of Champions! Pressure! And someone had BETTER FUCKING BE MEAN.

A little free association for your Wednesday

So I recently learned from All Top Chef that Season 2 winner and all around suck weasel Ilan Hall is soon to open his Los Angeles based restaurant.

Putting aside the fact that this is a couple of years late in the game to capitalize on any sort of fame he garnered by winning Top Chef, and also putting aside the fact that said fame generally came not in the form of positive accolades, but in the general impression that he was a head-shaving, recipe-stealing, bullying halfwitted 'nad booger, Ilan has proved once again that he can cock up anything he touches by naming his restaurant:

Yes. The Gorbals. Sounds appetizing, doesn't it?

Now, I know from reading its (pretentious as all bloody hell) website that "The Gorbals" is named for the Jewish neighborhood in Glasgow where Ilan's father grew up.

But for some reason, the term "Gorbals" doesn't immediately make me think "Scottish Jews" or "Delicious Food" or "Wow, That Sounds Hip and Enigmatic. I Would Like To Eat There."

What does it make me think of? Well . . .

Gerbils. I used to think gerbils were cute. Then a friend had a pair who cannibalized each other--no, I'm not kidding. She left one black gerbil and one white gerbil in the cage when she went to school, and came back to find the front half of a white gerbil and the front half of a black gerbil. Not appetizing.

Also not appetizing?

Reich Minister of Propoganda, Joseph Goebbels.

This is wrong on so many levels. I mean, first of all, no one wants their restaurant to make people think of Nazis. Second of all, this is doubly true if you're going to oh-so-charmingly describe the cuisine at said restaurant as "Old Jewish food date-raped by bacon."

I mean, really? "Hey, where should we go to dinner?" "Oh, let's try that rapey restaurant with the Nazi name." (and then I was going to make a seriously tacky joke about review stars and Jews being forced to wear the Star of David, but I --EVEN I -- could see that that was going too far).

Third of all, even if you do want your restaurant named after a Nazi, do you really want it to be Goebbels? I mean, the man killed his own children. And he was really anti-Semitic, even for a Nazi (I mean, the man talked Hitler into Kristallnacht). And he was not good looking.

Also, he always makes me think of the old song "Hitler/he only had one ball/Goering/had two, but they were small/Himmler/had something sim'lar/and Joey Goebbels/had none at all. "

On that note, "The Gorbals" also makes me think of :

Harbls.

So we've got canibal rodents, Nazis, and cat testicles. I realize I'm no marketing wizard, but it strikes me that none of these are things you want to spring into peoples' heads when they're thinking of your restaurant.

What about you all? Thoughts on "The Gorbals" or gerbils, Goebbels, or harbls, or Ilan Hall? What's the worst restaurant name you've ever heard (aside from "The Gorbals," which I really think wins)?

Prepping for the Final Course. . .

. . .because thank the good lord and all the little fishies, poppets, this week is the last of the initial 4-chef matchups that have comprised the first round of Top Chef: Masters.

After this, the competition switches to a more traditional elimination format among the six chefs who've advanced to the Round of Champions. And thank goodness, because the Round of Champions can't possibly be more boring than the preliminary rounds.

And double thank goodness, because the only thing more boring than watching the preliminary rounds has been writing these preview thingies, and being dead wrong four out of five times.

And triple thank goodness, because if writing them has been that tiresome, I can only imagine that reading them must've been pure torture.

For putting up with that, here's some interesting Top Chef: Original Recipe dish: Padma might be leaving the show, presumably after the (already wrapped but for the finale) Season 6 in Las Vegas. Variety has her in development on a half hour sitcom "as a woman working in the culinary world. (One possible title being mulled: “Single Serving.”)." And some site called "Actress Archives" translates this into her leaving the show.

Now, I will point out that NOWHERE in the original article does it say that Padma is leaving Top Chef, and that working on a sitcom (particularly one as clearly doomed to fail miserably as this one is) wouldn't prohibit her from keeping up with her current arduous duties of getting thoroughly stoned and slurring her way through a food critique every couple of days. Top Chef films on a fairly brief, very intense schedule (like all reality shows), and the cast all do other things with their off time.

That said: what happens if she does leave? Does Katie Lee Joel-but-not-for-long come back? Do they find another washed up model/actress with some sort of nebulous food credential to be the dull monotone voice and lovely face of the franchise? WHERE DO I APPLY FOR THIS JOB????

So here's the last run down, for what that's worth. See if you can tell how very little I care. We begin with Michael Cimarusti.

You May Know Him from: Working at Le Cirque and opening Osteria Del Circo in New York; being chef de cuisine at the original Spago and executive chef at Water Grill; currently being chef and owner of Los Angeles' Providence Restaurant.

In His Favor: That nice fat resume right there.

Against Him: I kind of hate his face.

Verdict: As long as Art Smith doesn't win, I don't care. Seriously. Anyone but Art Smith. If that fat load gets through to the Round of Champions, I'm done.

And then we have. . . .Roy Yamaguchi!

You May Know Him From: Judging the supertragic Season Two finale of Top Chef which unleashed Top Douchebag Ilan Hall on the world; owning 37 Roy's restaurants; being the first Hawaiian chef to win a Beard award. . . and et-groundbreaking-cetera.

In His Favor: well, he's a legend. And then there's that on-again/off-again judge mojo that seems to work for some chefs who've judged Top Chef.

Against Him: It has not worked for enough chefs who've judged Top Chef to really qualify as mojo.

Verdict: Aloha means hello, goodbye, I love you, and go on to the Champions' Round. He's my pick. Which probably means he'll lose, but whatever. As long as that fat load Art Smith doesn't win, I'm good.


After him, there's Jonathan Waxman.

You May Know Him From: The long shuttered Jams; an arms' length of other restaurants since the early eighties leading up to the current Barbuto.

In His Favor: Do we have a jovial fat man yet? We need a jovial fat man. And it had damn well better not be Art Smith.

Against Him: He looks like a thinner version of my Milton professor from college. Ergo, he may not be fat enough to clinch the jovial fat man slot.

Verdict: Seriously, the rat who lives under the stove could win, and I'll be happy that it's not Oprah's lackey, Art Smith.

If you hadn't already guessed it, the piece of crap occupying the final slot is Art Smith.

You May Know Him From: being Oprah's chef; turning up once to judge a season four episode of Top Chef and getting introduced as Oprah's chef (until I decided that "Big Gay Art" suited him better as names go); Table Fifty-Two in Chicago and Art & Soul in DC.

In His Favor: He's Oprah's chef. Oprah got to choose the President--you think she's gonna stop there?

Against Him: during his guest stint, he used the phrase "one pot wonder" at least twice a minute for the entire sixty minute episode, which made me believe that he was just "Rachael Ray in a very clever disguise." Rachel Ray cannot win.

Also, by the way, I hate him.

Verdict: He'll probably win. Because the universe hates me and loves Oprah that much. And then I'll throw up on my shoes.

What the eff, Sandra?

I was in the grocery store near my office the other day, trying to find a magazine to read on the endless Metro ride back to the cats' suburban compound since I'd already finished the Agatha Christie book I'd bought to see how many unfathomable changes the recent "Six By Agatha" series on Mystery! had wrought on the plot (answer: many, and they were truly unfathomable), when I saw a copy of the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade magazine.

Now, this wasn't like the time when I saw an issue in stores before I received my copy by mail. This was still the June/July issue, which, as I'm sure you recall, looked like this:

Except that the copy in the grocery store looked like this:

WHAT IS THAT?????????

I can take this in a number of ways, and I'm open to other suggestions from those of you who may be more in tune with the magazine business than I am.

1) This effing magazine has become so popular that they had to do a second run of the June/July issue, and for some reason (rights? accidents?) they had to use a different picture.

2) This is some sort of genius scheme from the evil, evil mind of one Sandra Lee to increase sales of her magazine by making the subscription and in-store copies of each issue different, and thus ensuring that you will need two copies of each issue to complete your horrible collection of Sandra Lee related memorabilia.

3) This is some sort of absolute idiot move from the booze addled mind of Sandra Lee, who has somehow forgotten everything she ever knew about branding, and has allowed one artifact from her empire to escape having her loathsome face stamped on the front of it.

#3 is particularly appealing since it's a really bad move--the only appeal that Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade magazine has for anyone, friend or foe, is its association with Sandra Lee. I don't know anything about the sales figures on SLSH, but you have to assume they'd be a fraction of what they currently are if it was just plain Semi-Homemade Magazine.

4) She's so reading this blog, and has been so desolated by my repeated critiques of how absolutely THE SAME every cover looks that she ordered this one changed and took to her bed to drink.

Top Chef: Masters, episode 5. Where everything is tiny and boring.

So I'm currently cat sitting up at the swanky cat palace in the far flung suburbs. One of the cats has been on medication that I had to shoot down his throat twice a day, and one of them surprised me this morning with a lovely puddle of cat puke right where I was sure to put my foot when getting a second cup of coffee.

Anyway, unlike in ages past, the cats DO have cable. However, they DON'T seem to have DVR (or at least, not DVR that I can work. If anyone wants to come up on Saturday and hang by the pool and teach me the intricacies of the FIOS remote, I'd appreciate it).

So I had to do this all on the fly, without any rewinding or checking of descriptions. So if this is a little vague, a little imprecise, hysterically misspelled or somewhat brief (relatively speaking), chalk it up partly to that. . .

. . .and partly to the fact that this was one yawner of an episode. Seriously, all the spark Gail brought to the table last week was destroyed by Jay's return. Was she just there for a one off gig? Will she be back next week, or during the round of Champions? Gail? GAIL????

Also, is it just me or was the editing fuckery really obvious? Half the dishes were shown in such a way that the judges seemed to be blasting it during the party and then loving it at the Critics' Table, or vice versa.

Anyway.

Los Angeles! Top Chef: Masters Kitchen! Rick Moonen enters and tells us about his restaurant at Mandalay Bay. Gael Greene's Hat says that he's taken 3 restaurants to 3 star status. Rick Moonen credits his success to ADD, and Tom Colicchio talks about his commitment to conservation issues. His charity is Cape Cod Commercial Hook Fishermen's Association

Nils Noren enters next. Tom tells us he's from Sweden; Nils talks about how he failed as a reggae musician in Sweden and became a chef, and how he likes teaching. Jay Rayner calls him the classic Swedish chef "very precise, very calm, very cool."

Clearly Jay Rayner has never seen the actual Swedish Chef. Anyway, Nils is competing for Friends of The FCI

Lachlan Mackinnon Patterson enters hotly, hotly banters with the older chefs, then hotly tells us about his Beard award. Rayner seedily tells us about Lachlan's training with Keller. Oh my god, let him make it through so it can be a "and now the apprentice becomes the master!" scenario. He's competing for The Children's Hospital because his daughter was born with some sort of intestinal problem. And thus my dreams of meeting him and having hot chef babies are dashed.

Here comes Chiarello. Rayner says this is Chiarello's return to the restaurant world after being "a TV chef," so he may feel he has more to prove than the others. He's competing for The Clinic Ole Foundation.

K Choi enters and does her usual rules thing. Their quickfire is from Season One: they'll be remaking junk food as a fine dining dish (my beloved Harold won the first time around). They draw knives for order.

Chiarello gets 1 and picks fish sticks w/ tartar sauce; Lachlan takes hot dogs; Moonen, showing a surprising lack of originality, takes corn dogs; and Nils takes fried shrimp. These are some boring ass choices. Go for the Pinwheel Cakes, you cowards!

Their judges will be junk food lovers with very strong opinions--the cast of Flipping Out. Crossover! Jeff Lewis has now judged Top Chef: Masters and Top Design. Is he qualified for either? Not so much.

Food flurry! Lachlan talks hotly about how he loves making sausages, and then turns it into stew. Stew does not equal hot dog, Lachlan. You're losing hotness points. Moonen makes a seafood hot dog and talks about his ADD again. I find adults who constantly talk about their ADD really tiresome. Their failure to change the subject, ever, makes it really hard for me to concentrate on what they're saying. Nils worries that his dish will be too refined. Lachlan worries about his style and Chiarello's being too similar, but says Chiarello's been out of restaurants for a long time.

Then K Choi does a totally pointless interview with Jeff Lewis. I feel like Jeff Lewis must have a minimum number of onscreen minutes guaranteed in his contract, because otherwise there's no rational for wasting time on him given the completely sparse narrative of the show. Or maybe it really WAS as boring an episode as it looks on screen. Anyway, Moonen starts cutting out components because he doesn't have enough time. Lachlan's sausage isn't cooking. Insert innuendo here. Nils reinforces ethnic stereotypes by telling us that he, like all Swedes, is very punctual. Time!

Moonen has not finished his dish, and has nothing to send out. His fishy corn dogs are still in the fryolater. Commercial!

Back! Moonen is mad at himself. Lewis and his shills are served. They start with Lachlan's Prosciutto Stuffado with Pork Sausage. Lewis finds it rare.

Next, they get Chiarello's Swordfish Meatballs with Fisherman's Sauce. Jeff Lewis likes it, and then there's some joke about balls. How juvenile.

Finally they get Nils' Shrimp with Creamed Corn and Pickled Cherry Tomatoes. One of the shills says it doesn't taste fried. Lewis finds it plain without the tomato.

Then they all bitch about how there's no fourth dish. Jesus, these people are useless. Why can't they have Kathy Griffin judge with Tom and Tiffany? Or the Real Housewives come on and call Chiarello a prostitution whore, and throw a table at Moonen for not finishing? It would still be useless, but at least it would be vaguely entertaining.

Moonen tells the chefs what he was making that didn't work out. Chiarello says "glad you didn't finish that--that sounds rockin'." Thus my lifelong belief that Chiarello is a big douche is confirmed.

K Cho goes back to the chefs and gives them their ratings. Lachlan gets 3 stars, as does Nils. Rick, inevitably, gets zero stars, and Chiarello gets 4.5.

Next they hear about Elimination! K Choi tells them that their challenge is to cook a 3 course meal for 100 people. All. by. Yourself. They all get stressed. It will be a party for 100 of Top Chef's biggest fans. Hm, my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail or something. Here's the twist, though: they'll be creating three HORS D'OEUVRES, based on an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. They'll have 3 hours today and an hour tomorrow.

Whole Foods! They have $1000 budget and 60 minutes to shop. Nils is doing salmon for his "entree" so they'll know he's from Sweden. I think it would be easier just to show them your passport, but whatever. Moonen's menu is focusing a lot on seafood, go fig. Chiarello is starting with the ingredients and working back toward the dishes.

Prep! A lot of food flurry, some more menu planning (again, we'll get to those later), and Lachlan reflecting on how much Denver Children's Hospital helped him and his family. I'm losing faith that he'll make it through--they never show the winners being contemplative. Chiarello's basil gelato doesn't freeze, and he hopes this won't cost him the lead. Foreshadowing! Commercial!

Back! Day of challenge! They have an hour to set up for service. Chiarello's gelato looks like pesto; Lachlan teaches him how to use a blast freezer. Moonen is confident in his flavors, but worried about production.

30 minutes. They set up their stations. Chiarello leans on his waiter; Nils worries that he's done too soon. He helps Moonen out. Nils is a good guy. Time!

They start with the appetizer course, and show Chiarello flirting with customers. This man can't do anything without coming off pervy, I swear. His dish is a Shaved Brussels Sprouts Salad with Citrus Vinaigrette and Almonds. Sweet P (SWEET P!!!!) loves it! Gael Greene's Hat thinks it's a good salad, but not a great appetizer.

Next they have Lachlan's Fritta Esotica: Pineapple Wrapped in Speck. Ok, so it's pineapple wrapped in ham and fried--sounds like a world of NOM to me. And some diners agree, comparing it to a Hawaiian Pizza. See? World of Nom. But wait, Oseland says the pineapple loses some flavor in the frying? Not good, people.

Moonen's appetizer is an Opakapaka and Barramundi Ceviche with Yuzu, Avocado and Grapefruit. Jerrel (Jerrel!!!) likes it! So do the judges.

Finally, Nils' appetizer is a Scallop with Smoked Potato Cream, Apple and Curry oil. Oseland loves the presentation; Rayner thinks it's fantastic

Next, the main course. Or the main h'ors d'oeuvres. Erm, anyway, Chiarello's is Prawns with Rice Flour, Chili and Garlic Oil. Lachlan reflects on how Chiarello is a comfortable showman. Gael Greene's Hat criticizes the use of a knife at a cocktail party. The words oily and gritty get thrown around a bit.

Moonen's "main" is a Brandade of Scallop and Shrimp with a Fennel Salad. Chiarello thinks he's the one to beat since having no points from the quickfire will make him step up. Gael Greene's Hat says it lives up to the promise of a brandade. Whatever that means.

Lachlan's is next. He has made Grilled Beef Short Ribs with Anchovy Parmesan Vinaigrette and Horseradish. The judges all seem to love it, though they blast it later, so maybe I just wasn't' paying attention because this episode is boooooooring.

We close with Nils' Salmon with Napa Cabage, Chorizo and Broccoli Purree. Oseland says Nils has the best visual aesthetic. The judges love it.

Finally, dessert. Lachlan's is a Strawberry Frangiapane Tarte with Yogurt Semifreddo. Oseland says it has a meat like taste? Oh, this cannot be good.

Chiarello has made Balsalmic Strawberries with Basil Gelato and Chocolate Creme Fraiche. He gets some chicks who are flocking to him to help plate. Sweet P loves it. The judges like it, except Gael Greene's Hat who says she doesn't like lawn cuttings in her dessert. Or she seems to. This statement will be revised wildly during Critics' Table.

Moonen's dessert is a Lemon Panna Cotta with Ginger, Macademia, Coconut, and Pineapple. Oseland likes the panna cotta. Rayner says panna cotta should wobble like a woman's breast. And then I stopped watching because I had to stab myself in the eye. Jerrell loves it.

Finally, Nils' dessert is Chocolate Goat Cheese Ganache with Orange Gele and Smoked Tea. The compare it to bacony chocolate. But somehow, they're saying this like it's a bad thing. Sweet P doesn't like it much either. Commercial!

Back! Critics' Table. Oseland loved Chiarello's salad. Gael Greene's hat praises his prawn but criticizes the knife. Rayner found it oily. Gael Greene's hat repeats her lawn cuttings line, but ultimately says it was delicious. I really hate the editing on this show.

Rayner was scared of Nils' starter, but it was beautiful. Gael Greene's hat found the salmon "silken," but Oseland calls it "intensely fishy." Then they all make fun of Oseland for awhile, which is sans doubte the most entertaining portion of the show. Nils explains his dessert. Rayner says it was the least successful part of the menu.

Lachlan gets a really boring critics' assessment. He's so out. Boo.

K Choi loved Moonen's brandade. Rayner asks how he did the panacottas, and everyone's amazed by the fact that he made 100 tiny ones.

The chefs are dismissed, and drink wine together. The critics are all really positive about Chiarello's menu. Gael Greene's Hat says Nils' was the most elegant, but still hate the dessert. Rayner can't get behind the deep frying of the pineapple. Oseland was not impressed by the shortribs, though Rayner and Gael Greene's Hat disagree. Again, they compare the dessert to meat. They make fun of Oseland again. Gael Greene's Hat loved Rick's ceviche, and the brandade blew Oseland's mind. The dessert also gets compliments. Commercial!

Back! Fake scene! Moonen talks about his nervous energy and they all eat cheese. They all talk about Rick.

Really Back! Score time! Moonen gets a 4 from the fans; another 4 from Oseland; a 4.5 from Gael Greene's Hat; and another 4.5 from Rayner. His total is 17.

Lachlan received a 3.5 from the fans; a 3 from Rayner; a 2.5 from Oseland; and a 3.5 from Gael Greene's Hat. His total is 15.5. Booooo. He's sent away.

Nils also gets a 3.5 fans; another 3.5 from Gael Greene's Hat; and a 4 each from Rayner and Oseland. His total is 17 A tie? What happens in a tie? Is there a cookoff? A duel? A dance-off? A dueling dancing cookoff????

Alas, we will never find out, because Chiarello gets a 3.5 from the fans and from Oseland, and a 4 each from Rayner and Gael Greene's Hat. His total is 19.5. He wins. Ugh. UGH.

The other chefs tell them not to let them down. Moonen feels like he got the People's Choice award since his diners' score was highest. It blows that if he hadn't blown the Quickfire so thoroughly, he probably would've won.

Next Time: Oprah's chef reinforces every gay stereotype, ever, in the span of a single hour.