From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil Lemon Ice Cream

So I was in New York recently visiting Limey and N and their behbeh, and barely had I dropped my duffle bag and plopped my weary ass down when Limey approached me with an ice cream carton and said "you have to taste this."

And despite my slight concern that this was going to turn out to be one of those "fun" new parent tricks where you innocently taste some ice cream and then they go "HAHAHAHAHAH IT'S MADE FROM BREAST MILK!!!!" I went ahead and tasted it.

And it tasted goooooooood. "Is that . . . basil?" I asked. And it was. It was basil and lemon ice, and the minute I'd had one spoonful, my only thought was "I must have more of this."

And then after we'd polished off the carton between the two of us while driving around Brooklyn to prolong the behbeh's naptime, I thought "I must have more of this." And so I told Limey "I think I'm going to try and make this."

So shortly after I got home, I started scouting Basil Lemon Italian Ice and Basil Lemon Ice Cream recipes. I found this Lemon Basil Sorbetto, which I will likely try next, but for the moment I went with the Basil Ice Cream recipe from David Lebovitz's The Perfect Scoop. . . with a little twist based on some of the recipes I'd seen during my googling.

Now, I'm sure some of you have spent the last few minutes freaking out at the thought of basil ice cream, and I don't blame you. It may not sound natural. But it is so fresh and clean and goooooood. I only wish I'd discovered it earlier in the summer, because it would've been such sweet relief during the hottest part of the year.

Mise en place, bitches:

So you'll need: 1 cup or 25 g of basil leaves. That's slightly less than that handy packet contains, so now I have additional basil for all my other basil related needs. You'll also need sugar, heavy cream, milk, salt, 5 egg yolks, and a lemon.

So you're going to take a packed cup of Basil leaves, 3/4 cups of sugar, and a cup of the cream, and put them in your blender or food processor.

I'm using the food processor part of my blender/food processor two-in-one, because that seems like the natural thing for basil. That's where I make pesto, after all, so naturally, all other basil related chopping should be done with the same apparatus.

Fwap that around in the food processor until the leaves are ground as fine as possible.

You'll end up with something that looks like you should be paying an angry Eastern European woman $75 to spread on your face while she clucks her tongue and says supportive things like "ulch, ze pores. So yooge."

Take half of that, and put it into a large bowl. To this bowl, you're going to put another cup of heavy cream. Mix that together.

The other half of the basil/sugar/cream mixture is going into a medium sauce pan. To it, you're going to add a cup of milk, and a pinch of salt.

Stir that and let it heat on the stove until it is warm through, and a beautiful greenish color.

So pretty!

Now, by this point, you should've separated five eggs, leaving the yolks in a medium bowl and doing whatever you will with the whites. Perhaps you want to make some meringues. Perhaps you feel like eating egg white omelets. Whatever you like. No one will judge.

You add the warm basil/sugar/cream/milk/salt mixture very gradually to the egg yolks whisking constantly.

This allows the eggs to come up to temperature slowly, so you don't cook the eggs and end up with a bunch of dreadful little egg bits in your ice cream.

Once you've added all of the basil mixture to the eggs, you're going to transfer the whole set up back to the saucepan. Working over medium heat, you're going to stir the mixture constantly, scraping the bottom as you go. You want the mixture to thicken into a custard that will coat the back of your spoon/spatula.

Custard accomplished, you're going to pour it through a mesh strainer into the OTHER half of the basil mixture, in the bowl where it's been chilling out with the extra cream.

Mmmmm. . . .strainerlicious.


Stir the custard into the cream mixture, and then zest a lemon directly into the mix. THEN you're going to transfer the whole operation into an ice bath.

I know, right? There are so many different steps and apparatuses! Apperati? Whatever.

Stir the mixture in the ice bath until it's cool, then transfer it to the refrigerator to chill it thoroughly. This will take a couple of hours, which gives you time to clean up the first phase of the process.

Anyway, after it's thoroughly chilled, you're going to put it in your ice cream maker, and do your thing according to your machine's instructions.

BUT: halfway through the freezing process, you're going to pour in the juice of one lemon. This is an addition I'd seen in a couple of the recipes online, and I did it partly because I wanted to amp the lemon factor up a squidge to approximate the flavor of the ice I'd had in New York.

I also did it partly because I wanted to use up the lemon I'd zested for the ice cream. Zested fruit goes moldy much faster than other fruit, and it looks creepy and awful to boot.

So once it's finished spinning in the machine, transfer it to your freezer container(s) and let it ripen for 4-ish hours or overnight.

And when it's done, you're going to have something that's kind of an . . . interesting greenish yellow color.

But it's going to taste SO GOOD. It makes me think of Caprese salad, a bite where you get the crisp, bright taste of the basil smoothed out by the creaminess of the mozzarella. And the sweetness of the ice cream and the sour bite of lemon just help the flavors marry and pop even more wonderfully.

So I have a lot of thoughts about what to do with this ice cream. I really want to try it in a glass of Prosecco, maybe with a dash of Limoncello added in.

But I thought I'd introduce it to you in a delicious and slightly whimsical plating.

It's a Dessert Caprese! I made a thin syrup of balsamic vinegar and a bit of sugar, and put a line of that down the plate (it spread some; I really should've let it thicken more). The sliced strawberry stands in for the tomato slices. And for the basil/mozzarella, I took a single scoop of the ice cream, sliced it, and alternated it with the tomato slices on top of the syrup.

And then I ate it, and out of nowhere, I started singing "you are so beautiful, to meeeeeeeee." Because that's how goddamned good it was.

So the moral of the story, kittens, is that sometimes things that sound odd are really freaking delicious in like a life changing sort of way.

And also, if someone offers you a taste of something out of an ice cream container, you eat it. Even if there is a solid chance that it could be made out of breast milk.

Project Runway: Auf for Oeuf

Too conceptual?
Sure. Pregnant chicken suit is years
Ahead of its time.

I’m not going to lie to you pumpkins—I’m thoroughly glad that pretentious twat is gone. Though if I’m honest, I do think cute little Mitchell deserved to be cut. In my book, two weeks of craptasmic construction is a far worse sin in a fashion competition than a well constructed yet thoroughly wackadoodle maternity outfit inspired by eggs.

But at the same time, Malvin was such an effing mess. He’s one of those people who’s so far gone in terms of being full of himself that the only way they’d be even remotely bearable is if they had a sense of humor about their own self declared “superiority,” and two weeks of evidence indicates that he didn’t.

In fact, he and Ari Fish may be similar in that regard—they both seemed to consider themselves “ahead of” the other designers in some way, or otherwise too good for the competition. And whether you or they buy that or not, you have to acknowledge that it can’t not be a fatal flaw. If you’re so damned good. . . then why are you here, trying to slug it out with the rest of the peons?

Anyway. Let’s do it.

We open, as these shows are wont to do, on the designers’ apartments. In the girls’ apartment, Althea says she’s surprised that someone actually went home last night, and that Ari’s departure is a wake-up call. Althea has apparently slept through every episode of every reality show ever if she needs to be awakened to the fact that people are going to be leaving on a regular basis.

In the boys apartment, they’re happy that Mitchell is still there. Me too. He’s such a cute little button.

At the runway! Heidi emerges in a really over-the-top leopard print dress and tells them that for their next challenge, they’ll be creating a look for a Supermodel/film/TV star, “and she’s got a biiiiiiiiig surprise for you!” Out walks Rebecca Romijn (not Stamos), back in the day when she was pregnant with twins by Jerry O’Connell. This season has sat on the shelf for so long that I believe said twins are actually driving at the moment.

Their job this week is to design a “pregnancy chic” look for Rebecca. It can be any type of outfit for any type of event, and her major requirement is that it “celebrates” her pregnant shape.

The designers head off to the workroom, where they all find pregnancy padding waiting at their stations. They start strapping them to their forms, and themselves. Christopher vows he won’t let having immunity slow him down. Since Gordana has had kids, a lot of them ask her where the bellies should start. She tells them “under the boob area.”

Tim enters, and tells them they’ll have 30 minutes to sketch before they head off to Mood. Their budget will be $100, and they’ll have two days to complete the look. Naturally, who ever wins will get immunity.

They sketch. Logan the “guy’s-guy” tells us that he’s never had “a lot of pregnant women in my life” and babies kind of scare him. Ok? So because he’s a guy’s guy and dripping with testosterone, babies are his Kryptonite or something?

Anyway, they all head to Mood. Shirin is making a dress with a lined coat, and picks out some beautiful floral fabric for the lining. Carol Hannah tells us that she’s made a maternity bridesmaid dress before. I bet that was. . . .interesting. Probably not “pregnancy chic.” Qristyl with a Q freaks out. Again. Some more. I think her freak outs are going to be a trope this season. Time! Thank you, Mood!

Back at the workroom, Irina says that there shouldn’t be such a gap between clothes and maternity clothes. Yes, you’re a revolutionary who’s the first one to express the idea that pregnant women shouldn’t have to wear tents all the time. Quick, what are your bold new thoughts on fat ladies?

Ra’mon looks around the room and thinks that everyone else will be doing “draped, goddessy, Pea in the Pod” dresses, and his will be more form fitting to honor the belly.

Louise is doing a “1920’s negligee inspired cocktail dress.” I love her. This will surprise no one. Malvin look is inspired by fertility, and is called “the mother hen.” Oh, Malvin. The look on my face as I typed that was inspired by you, and it’s called “disdain meets disgust with a dash of ‘bitch, please.’”

And then Ra’mon freaks out about his dress, which Mitchell rather accurately compares to a bowling ball bag. I was thinking more “seventies sneaker,” but we all have our own frames of reference.

Commercial!

Back! In the workroom, Malvin elaborates on his comments from the previous segment by telling us his outfit is “egg inspired.” Mitchell is making an outfit that involves a pair of short shorts, because that’s exactly what all women who are heavily pregnant with twins want to do—wear a pair of micro shorts that expose every varicose vein and inch of cellulose in their thighs. Also, he seems to have confused the challenge, as his shorts are cut not so much for a pregnant lady as they are for one of those gigantic fat men who gets to be about 800 pounds and has to be cut out of the house and taken out with a crane.

Mitchell’s shorts? They’re what that guy wears on his summer vacation. They’re so huge that Louise can get both her legs into one leg of the shorts, and another of the girl designers gamely hops into the other.

And then they leave the workroom, and we get the change of day montage. Sunset. . . .sunrise! Day 2! At the apartments, Irina wants to finish and the boys debate whether there’ll be a twist. Oh, you adorable little masochists. Pregnant supermodel wasn’t enough of a twist for you?

Tim through! Althea explains that her look is for a luncheon, and Tim counsels her against trying to explain it as a look for day. He worries that Louise’s is a little too night gown-y. Shirin’s is absolutely beautiful.

Moving to Malvin, he hears about the jodphurs our young friend is planning to make that are “inspired by chicken thighs.” Oh, possums. At Ra’Mon’s station, he cautions him that the color blocking in the dress may be emphasizing the belly too much.

Ra’Mon has another freak out. I wonder if his will be an all-season thing like Qristyl with a Q's appear to be, or if this is a one episode event.

Tim sends in the models, and they all strap on their bellies and try on the looks. Johnny the meth addict coaches his model on how to walk.

End of day! Commercial!

Back! Day of the runway show. Mitchell frets about the day ahead. Ra’Mon thinks he has a lot of work to do. Malvin wants to make his “little egg nest” more literal. Oh, Malvin. “more literal” is never the way to go with something called a “little egg nest.”

In the workroom. Nicolas has a broken zipper issue. Ra’mon, who has not had the benefit of seeing the bottom-dweller edit he’s getting in this episode, thinks he’s the front runner. He also calls someone “Stella” for working with leather. I can’t decide whether to meet this with a nostalgic “Stellaaaaaaa!” or think that making references to previous seasons’ designers is the latest and surest sign that this show has straight up jumped the shark.

The models enter. Althea’s model has boob trouble, and Mitchell’s shorts are a disaster. The models go to hair and makeup while the designers do their final fashion flurry. Malvin looks around the room and thinks the other designers haven’t “cracked the egg.” I think Malvin himself is pretty cracked. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi introduces their judges for the challenge: Monique Lhullier is sitting in for Kors, and then there’s Nina Garcia and Rebecca Romijn (not Stamos). Heidi tells them they’ve all been pregnant, so they know what they’re looking for.

And now, the looks. One of the homosexuals I watch with snarks “you know it’s on Lifetime when you’ve got models walking pregnant down the runway.”

Logan’s is a white tunic with disastrous black bike shorts. Shirin’s is a freaking gorgeous wine colored dress and a beautifully lined black coat. You pretty much know it’s the winner the minute she enters. Nicolas is a shiny, short cocktail dress—among the tackiest and cheapest looking things I’ve ever seen.

Christopher has made a purple tunic with leggings. Mitchell’s shorts are every bit as horrible as they promised to be, but they’re paired with a tank and an interestingly cut swing sweater. Qristyl with a Q has made a pumpkin colored halter dress. Epperson’s is some piece of white disco nonsense.

Louise’s lingerie inspired dress is red and tiered and gorgeous. Gordana’s is a blue thing with a sweater. Johnny the meth addict has made a cute but basic black sundress.

Malvin’s either looks like the star of a pregnant production of Flashdance, or like she’s already had the baby and is wearing him in a sling across her chest. Ra’Mon’s is a messy purple thing—it looks ok from some angles, but the construction isn’t good, and it’s covered in diagonal swoops pointing towards her belly and—even worse—directly down her ass crack.

Seriously, my notes say “Ra’Mon. Purple messy thing with ass crack accents.” Ass crack accents are never good.

Into the home stretch, Carol Hannah’s is a turquoise thing with an odd silver vest. Althea’s is a blue evening gown with gold accents around the cups and the back. Irina’s is a beautiful pale blue cocktail dress.

Heidi calls Louise, Mitchell, Althea, Malvin, Shirin, and Ra’Mon. Everyone else gets to leave. And in case you haven’t picked up, the girls are the top 3; the boys are the bottom 3. It’s a battle of the sexes, just like Top Chef.

Monique L. tells Ra’Mon his dress is too busy and is sloppily constructed. Nina feels like the swoops point directly to the belly, saying “HERE is the baby.”

Moving to Louise, Rebecca likes the lingerie feel of it, and thinks it would be good for a date night with her husband. Heidi seems to question this, saying “date night?” Rebecca replies “yeah, that’s right,” in a hilarious tone that perfectly conveys “bitch, please—you think Jerry O’Connell can keep his hands off this just because there’s two people in there?” Monique likes the details of the dress, and Nina likes the way it’s tiered to accommodate stages.

For Althea’s Rebecca likes the way it accentuates the back, but Monique thinks it needs more room in the bust. Nina likes that she made a long dress, and Heidi says it’s beautiful.
Speaking to Malvin, Nina says that the “sling” is “disturbing.” Malvin admits to being too attached to the concept of the dress. With Mitchell, Heidi likes the idea of the outfit, but hates the badly constructed shorts. Then there’s this delightful exchange between Nina and Heidi:

Nina: She is a Mess.
Heidi: A Pregnant mess.

Rebecca agrees that the concept is good, but the execution fell apart. Conversely, she likes Shirin’s and thinks that the lining on the coat is pretty. Monique agrees that there’s no bad angle to the outfit, and Heidi is impressed.

They send the designers off. Deliberation. Rebecca compares Ra’Mon’s to a bowling ball bag, which seems to be the theme of the evening. They all agree that they’d wear Mitchell’s if it was well executed. On Malvin’s though, Heidi says “I don’t think any pregnant woman wants to be thought of as the chicken.”

On the good looks, they agree that Shirin’s is beautiful and the most wearable. Althea’s is slimming and elegant. Nina thinks Louise’s is a bit too lingerie-ish, but Rebecca defends it.

Commercial!

Back! On the runway, Heidi tells Louise she’s in. Yay! And the winner for this challenge is. . . Shirin! Yay! She’s already one of my favorites—I think she’s absolutely precious. And the outfit is spectacular.

Althea is in. Ra’Mon is in. Looking at the last two designers, Heidi tells Malvin “your chicken egg look was just not flattering” and bizarre. Mitchell’s concept was good, but the execution was not, and it’s his second time on the runway.

Malvin is out and Mitchell is specifically told he just squeaked by. Malvin is sad to be leaving, but thinks that maybe he’s just “too conceptual for America.” Yes, darling. You’re just so far ahead of the curve on this. The rest of us are just not sophisticated enough to understand the appeal of being got up like a chicken. In ten years, we’ll be there.

Not.

Next week! Teams of two! Trouble! It’s getting hot in here! Epperson needs Tylenol!

God, the product placement on this show just never bloody ends, does it?

Top Chef: Leave, Eve.

It’s all about Eve
And her shitty ceviche
Au revoir, Ninja.

Ok, this episode was just straight up boring. The only slight interest came from Ashley’s ridiculous “ooooh, how dare they make gay chefs do a wedding challenge,” and that was just insufferable. It’s a fucking reality show. They make you do whatever they want.

Beyond that, I have nothing to say about it. Let’s just go.

Morning. Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas, and the massive Top Chef Compound. The Chefs get dressed and Jesse reflects on being in the top on the Quickfire, but the bottom on the elimination. Eve is torn about what to do to make up for being in the bottom. Mike V says it’s weird to be there with his brother. Weird and hot.

Quickfire! They turn up tat M and are greeted by Padma and Todd English. . . and a craps table. Jen makes the observation that Todd English is well known, and “pretty hot”.

For the challenge they’ll all roll the dice, and get to use the number of the ingredients that come up to make their dish. Salt, pepper, and oil don’t count. Oh, it’s just like that crappy Five Ingredient Fix show on Food Network, where somehow every dish involves 87 ingredients because of all the ones that don’t count. The chefs reflect on how they don’t want too many or too few ingredients. Padma also tells them that this is a high stakes quickfire—the winner will get $15K.
Kevin hopes for a low number and rolls a ten. D'oh! Mattin gets a four. They keep rolling, and it’s all very fast, and I still don’t know half their names, and we won’t see half their dishes anyway, so just deal.

30 minutes. Food flurry. Eve is making an asparagus/bleu cheese salad. Mike V is doing a gazpacho with 8 ingredients, and one of those seems to involve liquid nitrogen or dry ice or something. Bryan worries about how his brother sometimes gets over ambitious. Jesse chooses the wrong pan and ends up with colorless scallops. Time!

Padma and Todd English commence to judging. First is Laurine with Asparagus Leek and Lemon soup. Then Jennifer has made Salmon with Lemon, Garlic, Shallot, Parsley and Jalapeno Emulsion with 9 ingredients Mattin has four ingredient Carrot Soup with Ginger. Eve has made Chilled Asparagus Salad with Raisins, Pine Nuts, and Blue Cheese, while Mike V has cranked out an eight ingredient Nitro Gazpacho, Compressed Cucumbers and Toast. Todd English says nitro gazpacho is “a great twist on the tradition.

Kevin’s ten ingredient Asparagus and Celery Salad with Fennel Cream and Boiled Egg is next and Todd English compliments the acidity. Then there’s Ashley’s eight ingredient very rare Grilled Lamb with Apricot Mastrada Wrapping things up, we have Bryan’s Poached Black Cod with Carrot Ginger Puree and Daikon Radish Sprout, which English deems “really rare,” and Jesse's nine ingredient Scallops with Chimichurri and Smashed Garbanzo Beans with Toasted Garlic.

Todd English’s least favorites are Jesse's because the scallops were mushy, Eve’s because the bleu cheese was overpowering and presentation was poor and Bryan’s because the ouzo overpowered the dish.

His favorites were Mike V’s gazpacho, Jennifer’s salmon thing, and Kevin’s, which was a successful marriage of flavors. The winner is Mike V. Yay! We like him. He says one up on his brother is a good way to start off, and he also gets immunity. Commercial!

Back! Elimination! Padma tells them that they’ll be experiencing another Vegas tradition. . . the bachelor(ette) party. Kevin tells us that his was rather debaucherous. Microsoft Word tells me that debaucherous is not a word. Ashley has mixed feelings about the challenge, because as a lesbian, she looks forward to the day when everyone gets married.

Ok, I’m totally with her on that, but her need to immediately politicize both a challenge and a freaking bachelor party caused me to make a face. If it goes beyond that one comment, prepare for some words (foreshadowing!).

The challenge will be a battle of the sexes: the female chefs will cook for the bachelor party, the men for the bachelorette party. Hector reflects that the guys are strong and the girls are week. Big words from someone who was at the bottom last week, Andre the giant. Jen is insulted by the battle of the sexes idea.

Karen and Greg, the happy couple, enter with trays of shots. Karen says they’re looking for foods to be paired with their favorite shots. They’ll have ten minutes to meet with the bachelor/ette.

Ash describes the three shots they’re working with: The Moscow Mule which is a “gingery vodka grapefruity shot,” a shot of Tequila, and the Golden Delicious which he deems “sweet, gooey and disgusting.”

Each team has to do two dishes per shot. Karen is a pescatarian and one of her friends is vegan; she also loves spicy food and puts Sriracha on almost everything. Greg loves shellfish and has a huge sweet tooth. He loves lean meats like tuna and lamb.

They head to Whole Foods where they have 30 minutes and $500 per team. Bryan wants it to go well for the bride and groom. Laurine is going with a lamb dish to go with the Golden Delicious, and hopes her catering background will help the women’s team. Jen buys some frozen octopus to go with the tequila shot.

Eli is making a tuna tartar with Thai flavors for the Moscow Mule. The guys’ team puts Ash in charge of flowers because he’s a homosexual. Between that and Ashley’s stank attitude, this episode singlehandedly sets gay rights back about 10 years.

Two hours to prep. Mike I is stoked and feels confident. Jesse wants to break her streak at the bottom. Mike V wants to be Bryan’s competition, and is doing a frozen version of the Golden Delicious. Eve is doing a shrimp ceviche to go with the tequila, and the other dish for that is Ashley’s grapefruit. . .thing, and talks about her “feelings about the challenge.” Jesus.

Hector is also making a ceviche, and says a number of unintelligible things about the bride and her friends. Bryan is doing a sweet and sour macaroon.

Over on the women’s team, Ashley feels like she has time to do another dish. Jen thinks this is stupid. Ashley talks about how she wants to make something sweet to meet the groom’s expectations, so she goes with a Bay leaf panna cotta.

Hector gets really behind, and the men’s team struggles to the final seconds.

Back at the house, Ashley finds it “beyond comprehension” that they have to do “effectively a wedding challenge” when at least thee of the chefs aren’t allowed in the institution. Um. . . it’s a reality show, and this is not the first time it’s happened, you dumb bitch. Can you imagine the freak out if she’d had to participate in the wedding wars challenge in Chicago?

And for chrissakes, you’re a chef. Are you trying to tell us that you’ve never cooked for a wedding, an engagement party, a hen night? Do you screen every single goddamn person who walks into your restaurant to make sure they’re not celebrating anything that’s personally offensive to you, and that their political beliefs march exactly in lockstep with yours?

Ugh. Who would’ve thought that this relatively bland little lesbian had the capacity to rub me the wrong way like this? Commercial.

Back! The chefs return to the M and have an hour to set up poolside. Michael worries about the sun beating down on them and the affect it could have on their food. Preeti starts garnishing her plate with some shiso leaves. Eve is having issues with the lack of the flavor in the shrimp.

Eight minutes. Mike I blusters about how he’s not worried at all. Laurine says that the men’s food looks contrived. Laurine is full of beans and comments this episode--they're allowing her to develop a personality beyond "white girl chef #75."

The bachelor/ette and their guests arrive. Ashley frets more about being gay and how hard this challenge is and whine whine whine. Mattin reflects about how hot the girls at the party are, and Karen, the bachelorette offers a toast “to me!” Jesus, why is everyone in this episode insufferable?

The guests are swimming and chowing down, when Padma, Gail, Tom, and Todd English arrive. Ok, Tom is wearing shorts with a sports coat. This is unacceptable.

Starting at the girl’s table, we have Robin’s Duck Mole with Cocoa Nibs and Apricot, Laurines Moroccan Lamb Chop with Pomegranate Pine Nut Relish, Eve’s Shrimp and Avocado Ceviche with Smokey Tomato Salsa and Popcorn, and Jen’s Octopus Ceviche with Citrus Viniagrette.

The groom likes the popcorn in Eve’s ceviche, but the judges find it nasty. They like Jen’s octopus, but think it needs salt. They like Robin’s mole, and say that Laurine’s lamb chops are pretty good.

Heading back to the table, we get Ashley’s Watermelon Carpaccio and Bay Leaf Panna Cotta. Preeti’s Corriander and Sesame Crusted Tuna with Spicy Eggplant and Wonton Crisp, and Jesse’s Thai Chicken Lettuce Cup with Shiitake Mushrooms, Shiso, Ginger Beer. The judges find Jesse’s chicken cup too complicated, and Preeti’s dish is sad. Ashley’s carpaccio is good, but the panna cotta is bitter and unset.

Over on the men’s team, the judges start off by sampling Michael’s Apple Sorbet and Goat Cheese Cookie and Kevin’s Chilled Almond Soup with King Crab, Cucumber, and White Grapes. The judges love the soup, but wish it was colder. Michael’s is also deemed excellent.

The next round is Mike I’s Arctic Char, Bryan’s Sweet and Sour Macaroon Filled with Guacamole, Corn Nuts, and Corn Puree, Ron’s Lobster Cocktail with Habanero Tomato Sauce, and Hector’s Tofu, Lemon-Lime, Tequila Ceviche and Guanjillo Achiote Tortilla.

The judges think Hector’s is an interesting idea with nice flavors. Ron’s is unsalted and has no flavor. Mike I’s is flabby and flat. Ha-ha. They like Bryan’s “play on chips and guacamole.” Gail wonders if the judging will be head-to head Voltaggios.

In the final pass, Eli has a Thai Tuna Tartare with Puffed Wild Rice, Mattin has a Bouillabaisse with Aioli Croutin and Petit Basque Croquette¸ and Ash has a Asian Chicken Wing with Pickled Pearl Onions. The judges think Eli’s tartare makes sense with the Moscow Mule, but aren’t fans of Mattin’s Bouillabaisse. They like the chicken wing.

The boys take off their coats and jump into the pool. Laurine thinks this is unprofessional, and asks “who would you rather see in wet clothes—girls, or fat boys?” Well, we know what Ashley’s answer will be.

Commercial!

Fake Back! Mike I makes up a lot of names for people, which is appropriate, because I’ll be making up some names for him this season. Names like Pisswizzard. He calls Eli and Kevin the pickle brothers, Eve is the Ninja, Jesse is pancakes, and Preeti is Purty because he can’t pronounce her confusing non-European name. He says people get tired of him real quickly. Yep! It took me about 16 seconds.

Back! Judge’s table! Padma calls in Bryan, Hector, Eli, and Mike V. They’re the top performers on the winning team. Eli’s tartare matched the shot really well. Mike V’s sorbet was great from concept to execution. Hector’s could change Todd’s mind about tofu. They love Bryan’s macaroon.

Todd English says that the winner was a tough choice, and between the two Voltaggios, but the winner. . . is Bryan. Yay! It’s nice that they’re sharing things around. Mike is happy to see him win, but says he’ll win next time. Once again, the winner of the elimination doesn’t seem to get any prizes. This is kind of bullshit. They’re giving the quickfire winners immunity AND $15K, and the elimination winners nothing.

Eli tells Eve, Jesse, Preeti and Ashley to go back. Oy. Padma tells them that they had the least favorite dishes.


Jesse’s dish was really watery, and she should’ve used actual ginger rather than the ginger beer from the cocktail. Gail says the flavors were a little muddled. Jesse doesn’t think she put her best foot forward.

Eve’s ceviche was unbalanced, and the shrimp had no flavor. She just seems dumb as rocks in her responses, and Todd English criticizes her ability to adjust. Preeti thought hers was a crowd pleaser, but Tom says her tuna was overcured, and Gail says she should’ve taken the shiso leaf out together since they wilted so fast.

Padma asks why Ashley decided to do two dishes rather than one amazing dish. Todd English points out that her watermelon dish was an amazing dish, and then they all rip apart the panna cotta, which seems to have failed on every level—flavor, texture, wrinkling on the top . . . frankly, I'm amazed that she didn't use her awesome lesbionic powers of offendedness as an excuse for her performance.

Deliberation. Ashley’s watermelon was good enough to excuse the panna cotta. Jesse’s dish was messy and watery, but she knows what her mistakes were. Gail wonders how long they can use that as grounds to let her stay. Tom thinks Eve doesn’t even understand what she’s trying to accomplish. Preeti’s dish fell flat entirely, and worse--she thought the dish was good. Commercial.

Back! Tom reviews what the challenge was, and reminds them that their dishes were their least favorites, in case they hadn’t sorted that out yet. Then he recaps their critiques of the dishes. Padma tells Eve to pack her knives and go.

Eve gives the same dumb smile she’s had on her face for two episodes, and chirps “thank you.” She thinks her combinations are more unusual and might not have made sense to the judges. She wants to go back to being herself. Good, because whoever she was here was a failure.

Next time: Oh, crap, the DVR cut off my previews. Let’s assume it will involve food and drama. Whee!

Did you mean "orphan," a person who has lost his parents, or "often," frequently

I had a little bit of time off last week, and I finally got around to doing something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

I saw Orphan.

Yes, I know it’s tacky and horrible looking, and yes, I know it’s probably the least classy choice of any movie currently in theatres that I could possibly have made.

And what makes it worse is that I’d had the hell spoiled out of every last plot twist in the movie for about a month. I didn’t care. I wanted to see it. And you know what? I still screamed out loud, despite knowing the premise backwards and forwards. That little kid is just straight up creepy.

The thing is, it is a tacky, horrible movie. But I actually feel like it taught me some valuable and interesting life lessons.

(Stop here if you don’t want the crap spoiled out of the movie)

I know that a lot of adoption groups had concerns that Orphan would make people have second thoughts about adopting, and while I think that’s a bit of an overreaction, I will agree that it plays on a very primal sort of fear or uncertainty about bringing an outsider into the family/tribe.

But I don’t think it would turn reasonable people who were already thinking about adopting off of the idea of adoption altogether. In fact, I think it might just make them go about their adoption more responsibly. And so Lesson # 1 is: Be sure the adoption agency you’re working with is reputable, and has thorough and verified background information on the child you want to adopt.

Because the real mistake the parents in the film made was not adopting. It was adopting from a group of lazy ass nuns who apparently couldn’t be bothered to put a phone call through to Russia and make sure that the orphan they were peddling was actually a child, and not a serial killing dwarf prostitute who’d escaped from an insane asylum.

Goddamn lazy ass nuns. They ruin everything.

Lesson #2: Take your goddamn child to the dentist. I know she says she doesn’t want to go to the dentist. No child wants to go to the dentist. Hell, I’ve been personal friends with my dentist for years, and even I’m not crazy about seeing him after all the cash and Novocain that’s changed hands in the last year.

But you take your goddamn child to the dentist. In the first place, it’s sound responsible parenting to make sure your child has healthy teeth and gums. In the second place, it starts the child on the road to a lifetime of good oral hygiene. And in the third place, it’s the easiest way to find out if your child actually is a child, or if she’s a 33 year old Estonian serial killing dwarf prostitute who’s wearing false children’s teeth to disguise her jacked up Eastern European grill.

Lesson #3: Don’t advertise your profoundly deaf 7-year-old’s gift for lip reading quite so broadly. Because on the off chance that you do adopt a psychotic dwarf whore by accident, there’s a solid possibility that said dwarf whore will get on the 7-year-old’s good side, and get her to use her mad lip reading skillz to glean information.

Besides, if you’re the only one who knows about the lip reading skillz, you’re the only one who gets to manipulate them, right?

Lesson #4: Men are idiots, and also jerks. I know that it’s probably really difficult to believe your wife when she tells you that the sweet little Russian urchin you’ve taken into your home murdered a nun and is trying to kill your other children. It’s probably even harder to believe this if said wife has been slightly unbalanced since suffering a stillbirth, and has a history of alcoholism.

But if the pattern of weird accidents and mysterious nun deaths in your neighborhood starts right after you brought the aforementioned urchin into your home, don’t you think that maybe you should at least consider that there might be something to what she’s saying? I mean, I’m not expecting anyone to go from zero to psychopathic dwarf hooker, but maybe you weigh her words a little carefully? Maybe you at least don’t act like such a fucking prick and accuse her of being drunk again, and threaten to take the kids from her?

And barring that, even if you don’t believe a word your wife says, is it really the best idea to kill an entire bottle of red wine on your own when you’re alone in your freakishly isolated house with your profoundly deaf 7-year-old and your adopted 9-year-old? Even if there’s no chance in the world that the 9-year-old is secretly a 33 year old mental patient/dwarf/prostitute, that seems like pretty irresponsible parenting.

Lesson #5: Be careful about where you hide your diary. Seriously, in the window seat? Could you be any more obvious? That’s where every heroine in YA lit since the dawn of time hid her diary. It seems like you’d find a better place to stash that if you want your privacy. Particularly if the diary you’re hiding contains gems of information about where you hid your booze when you were drinking, your husband’s affair, how you almost killed your profoundly deaf daughter in a drunken accident, and the details of your traumatic stillbirth. That’s personal shit, even if you don’t have an Estonian dwarf whore in your house who’s an expert at using information to manipulate people.

Lesson #6a: Child Protective Services will send a child who says her adoptive mother broke her arm in a rage back to the house with that mother. I don’t know. Maybe CPS were the only rational people in the whole movie, and could sense somehow that Esther broke her own arm in a vise for the purpose of pinning it on her mother.

Lesson #6b: However, if you slap a child in front of witnesses, the men in white coats will fucking sedate you. Does this seem like a serious overreaction to anyone else? I mean, even if you don’t know that the child getting slapped is a psychotic bitch who just tried to kill her adopted brother—TWICE—all the woman’s doing is slapping her kid.

And lets face it: that little bitch needed slapping, bad. Hell, maybe if someone had slapped her years earlier, she would’ve become a dwarf biochemist instead of a psychopathic serial killing dwarf whore.

Lesson #7: Always have a back up plan. That’s one of the things I admire about Esther—if things didn’t work out the way she’d imagined, she always had an alternative. Plan A: Get adopted; wreck adoptive parents’ marriage; seduce adoptive father. And if that didn’t work, there’s always Plan B: kill entire family; burn the fucking house down.

Just think about how many of us get stuck because our first career path or whatever didn’t pan out, and we hadn’t thought of an alternative. Esther was smarter than that. If the whole father seduction thing didn’t work out, she always had serial killing and arson to fall back on.

And I have to say, that’s probably for the best, because the whole father seducing end of the operation didn’t seem to be going well. We know she’d had at least three disappointments in that department, and she didn’t seem to be too good at it. So maybe she should stick with the serial killing, since that’s where her strengths seem to lie.

Lesson #8: Don’t buy a freakishly isolated house. I know there’s something to be said for having your own lot, and yes, the house is gorgeous. But I spent about the last thirty minutes of the movie thinking “that shit would not go down in my neighborhood.” Shots get fired around here, yes. But never several of them from within the same house. And if, for example, an Estonian dwarf whore was chasing me through my house, and I had to crawl out a second story window to get away from her, I could yell down to the people in the street “THERE IS A FUCKING MIDGET SERIAL KILLER IN MY HOUSE!!! CALL 911!!!”

And even if they were like my prick husband and didn’t believe me about the whole serial killing midget thing, someone would eventually call the cops and complain about the crazy white girl on the roof disturbing the peace.

Lesson #9: I don’t care how dead someone looks, if you have the chance, you shoot them in the fucking face. This is a lesson you pretty much learn from every horror/thriller/spy movie or TV show (I used to scream it out loud during ALIAS), but it still applies. I don’t care if you’re sure that there’s no way the 33 year old psychotic Estonian serial killing escaped mental patient dwarf whore could’ve survived you falling on her through the glass roof of your freakishly isolated house’s conservatory and landing directly on top of her. If the gun comes out of her hand, you stand up, you brush yourself off, and you put three in her head, just for good measure.

Or, if you absolutely can’t bring yourself to kill her. . .yet. . . you at least pick the damn thing up and blow out both her kneecaps so she can’t move. That’s just common sense.

What you don’t do, under any circumstances, is leave her lying there with the gun right next to her hand. No matter how much glass is stuck in her, or how dead she looks.

In fact, in this matter, I have to respect Esther more than Kate, the adoptive mother. Because at least when Esther killed someone, she killed the hell out of them. If one conk to the skull with a claw hammer didn’t put you out of business, she’d conk you until your skull was pulp to make sure. If engineering your fall from a super high tree-house didn’t work, she’d try to smother you with a pillow.

And I know that hell supposedly hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a dwarf whore scorned will stab you with a kitchen knife so many times that there’s no way you survived, not even in the most implausible of horror movies.

Which, let’s face it, this is. Or did my repeated use of the phrase “33 year old escaped mental patient serial killing Estonian dwarf whore” not tip you off to that?

Project Runway: (Ari) Fish out of water.

One fish, Ari Fish
Geodesic silver dress?
I question your taste.

So first, I know I said I wasn’t going to recap the All Star Challenge, and I’m standing by that. But I will say that I thought it was utter bullshit. Daniel V.’s collection should’ve been in the bottom (I mean seriously? It was almost as trashy and awful as Santino’s. One girl had a bright blue zipper running directly up her ass crack on her skintight black mini skirt), and the only reason I can think of for them to hand him that win is because they want to be perceived as righting a previous wrong. . . a wrong done by BRAVO. The new shiny (poorer film quality) Lifetime Project Runway can swoop in and give the win to one of the all time favorite Bravo also rans, win over any fans who still give a crap about things that happened in Season 2, and stick it to the exes.

But enough about that. On with the main event.


Los Angeles! Yikes, Los Angeles? Yep! The designers start arriving at their product placement apartments, and we get to know a few of them.

Ra’Mon: from Chicago; dropped out of Med school to pursue fashion. Reminds me of Shemar Moore in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, so like everything that reminds me of that awful, awful movie, I immediately hate him.
Logan: from Seattle, a guy’s guy.
Johnny: a recovering Crystal Meth addict. If you forget that for a moment, you’ll be reminded like 97 times over the course of the next hour. In fact, let’s drink every time Johnny reminds us that he’s an addict.
Gordana: “Eef you geeve me a sheep, I can make a sweater.” From former Yugoslavia.
Malvin: Looks kind of like an Asian Michael Jackson
Carol Hannah: young blonde thing.
Qristyl: spells crystal with a Q and a y, and designs “plus sexy” clothing
Shirin: her name means “sweet in Farsi,” and she looks just adorbs. Does multifunctional clothing.
Nicolas: known as the “feather prince.” I hate him within seconds. He’s like Jeffery and Kayne had a bastard love child together, rolled him in a giant vat of smug, and then sent him to Christian for ego training.
Mitchell: such a cute little button.
Epperson: 49
Christopher: from Minnesota.
Ari: tries to channel her creative side by asking “hello, fabric, what would you like me to make you into today?” By the end of the episode, her fabric is screaming “not this, you crazy bitch! Not this!!!!”
Althea: another young blonde thing
Irina: designs totes inspired by her poodle, Princess, who growls at the camera.
Louise: flapper wannabe. I love her already.

Malvin says he’s surprised that they’re not in New York, but Johnny the addict says that L.A.’s fashion district is much bigger. Meanwhile, Carol Hannah and Gordana have met in the past.

The designers chat and get to know each other, and we get a little more info about some of the ones with briefer intros. Then they get the ubiquitous note from Heidi inviting them to join her and Tim on the roof.

Heidi welcomes them to Los Angeles and introduces Tim. Hi Tim! Tim says they’re the 16 who’ve proven they have the talent and passion to be there out of the 1000s they considered, and tells them about where they’ll be working and so forth.

Then they mingle and do some more getting to know you stuff. Included in this are segments where Louise tells us she’s inspired by vintage and Malvin says he’s androgynous. Once again, hello, captains obvious.

We also learn that Althea is hopelessly young, and that Christopher is self taught. We’ll hear that another 87 times this hour. Let’s drink every time we hear about him being self taught, too.

Heidi tells them it’s time for the party to end and the work to begin. But not just yet, though, not like season 3 where they had to immediately go downstairs and destroy their apartment for materials. They get to sleep and then meet Tim the next morning at an undisclosed location.

Which they do. . . on the red carpet for the 60th annual prime time Emmys at the Nokia theatre. So this was filmed . . . .how long ago?

Tim tells them that their first challenge is to create a red carpet look that demonstrates true innovation and conveys their vision as designers. It can be any red carpet—Oscars, Emmys, VMA awards. . .et endless cetera, since there are about 6 million red carpet events per year. The designers are excited.

And really, who wouldn’t be? It’s kind of a cakewalk of a first challenge. It’s certainly not comparable to making things out of your furniture, or things you find at a grocery store. Make a dress that expresses your vision. That’s what these people do.

So they head to their FIDM workroom to check out their fancy west coast digs. Their models have been preassigned for this challenge. Ari is excited that her model has “big feet like me.” Tim’s response is a bewildered “. . .yeah!” I concur with Tim, as usual. You’re not designing shoes, space cadet.

They’ll have 30 minutes to sketch, and then a budget of $200 and 30 minutes to shop at Mood. They have until midnight tonight and all the next day to work, and the winner will have immunity for the next challenge.

They sketch. Christopher is doing something with texture. Malvin assures us that he doesn’t “differentiate between different colored carpets.” Oh, Jesus, how fucking pretentious can you be in the first half hour? He’s carpet color blind! Malvin has a dream that some day, the sons of red carpets and the sons of hand hooked Navajo rugs can lay down together on the great floor of brotherhood.

Ari doesn’t sketch. She just meditates on the mood of the garment. She apparently does this upsidedown. It's really bizarre.

Mood! 30 minutes to shop! They all tear about madly. Ari is going for “bulbous hexagonal tessalation forms that catch the light.” Qristyl with a Q wants to cut her fabric herself since there’s only one guy cutting. Time! Thank you, Mood!

Back at the workroom, Tim reminds them that innovation is key. Shemar Moore Ra’Mon does the first crying interview of the season. Mitchell is smocking, and Christopher doesn’t know what smocking means, because he’s self taught! DRINK! Johnny is second guessing himself because “coming from an addiction standpoint” DRINK! He can’t handle stressful situations without a support structure, and he feels lost and overwhelmed.

Johnny goes off to a lounge to cry, and Ra’Mon and various other people let him talk at them. Johnny kind of wants to throw in the towel. Well, let him. Hearing about his addiction this much is damaging to my sobriety.

Commercial!

Back! We continue working at FIDM. Johnny continues crying in the painfully red lounge, and tells us that “coming out of an addiction is hard. “ DRINK! He wants to leave, but Tim comes to talk to him about not being to hard on himself. Johnny says “coming through all the drugs and everything” DRINK! And then he sobs more. He just doesn’t want to fail again, and feels unready for the experience. Tim says he’s overcome SO MUCH, and that he believes in him.

Johnny talks about how it feels to have Tim Gunn talk you through something, and how he really makes you feel like he wants you to succeed, no matter what. I want my own little Tim Gunn to talk me through things! He can live in the closet with Laura (and the espiders) and come out and give me a pep talk every time I need one.

Back to work! There’s more of the usual stuff about their dresses. They leave, and go back to the apartments.

The next morning, Johnny is feeling a lot better about things. They go back to FIDM. Gordana and Christopher talk about how they wish they’d been able to go to design school. DRINK!


Tim through! He cautions Christopher to style his dress correctly (using the Macy’s accessory wall), and asks about Ari’s “geodesic dome.” Ari’s dress will be “a halter dress with a large hood” and Tim worries that it could become “a halter diaper.”

Mitchell adorably calls Tim “Mr. Gunn” and shows him the weird Miss Havisham number he’s making. Qristyl with a Q asks Tim if her dress is “dramatic in a good way to you?” and Tim LITERALLY stands there with his MOUTH OPEN in that weird “start to speak and then try to convert it to an inhalation because I’m at a loss for words” thing you do when you totally can’t think of anything nice to say so want to stop yourself from saying anything at all.

He covers by saying to ask herself that, not him. He sends in the models. Did anyone watch Models of the Runway? I haven’t. . .yet.

Mitchell’s model’s sizes are all wrong, so he has to rework everything. Poor little lamb. They have until midnight to finish, and mere nanoseconds tomorrow. All Mitchell is left with after his fitting mishap is his horrible Miss Havisham collar. Really, that would’ve been the first thing to go if I found myself in his shoes. Commercial!

Back! Day of Runway show! The designers get ready and then head to FIDM. There are still too many of them for me to take an interest in their interpersonal conversations.

Qristyl with a Q is nervous, but feels confident. Mitchell is reworking EVERYTHING, but the only fabric he has leftover is “very very similar to pantyhose.”

Tim enters. They have two hours to send their models through the product placement hair and makeup studios, and use the product placement accessory walls. Mitchell is stitching his model into the pantyhose dress. Nicolas says “he’s basically sending a NUDE model down the runway.” For someone who’s made a career out of building those shitty wings for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, Nicolas sounds oddly scandalized at the prospect of a NUDE model.
Mitchell explains what he’s doing to Christopher and asks if that sounds like a good plan. “I think it sounds like a plan,” Christopher hedges beautifully. So skilled! He’s clearly not self-taught in the tact department.

The models go through hair and makeup. Tim tells them they have 10 more minutes. And then it’s time! They head out.

Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi appears and reminds them that one day they’re in. . . and the next day. . . they’re out. She reminds them about the challenge, and introduces the judges.

God, I’ve missed introducing the judges SO MUCH! First we have Orange American Designer, Michael Kors! Now with Marie Claire Magazine, Nina Garcia! And a judge who’s spent a lot of time on the red carpet. . . .and even more collapsed on the bathroom floor. . . .Lindsay Lohan!

She looks so cute. So this was filmed back when she was sober, right?

Let’s start the runway!

Althea’s dress is a fairly ordinary looking silver thing. Gordana’s is a Tiffany blue cocktail dress with some geometric shapes around the bust. Malvin’s is a linen-looking dress that seems ordinary, but has some interesting details on the back and in the texture.
Still, it’s not exactly red carpet.

It’s a far sight better than Mitchell’s, though. Mitchell's looks like Lovey Howell’s nightie, but rendered entirely in pantyhose fabric. Seriously, it’s likd he put a collar on a tablecloth.

Louise’s is a metallic ‘30’s looking number. Christophers is such fun—black and grayish pink and full of ruffles and texture. Ra’Mon’s is a basic purple gown with one shoulder and a neat squared off train.

Shirin’s is kind of a champagne colored Audrey Hepburn number. Epperton’s is too black and too overwhelming. Irina’s is a beautiful gold dress with a black belt.

And then there’s Ari’s which is her geodesic dome top with purple hot pants. It's just dreadful. Her model is gorgeous, though. I hope someone else snaps her up. Maybe Mitchell can take her since he probably won't want to stay with his giantess.

Johnny’s is a red dress that’s kind of a halter, and has interesting shapes. Carol Hannah’s is gold with a structured bodice. Qristyl with a Q’s is purple with a joosh of cruise wear fabric going down the front. Logan’s is a long silver dress with an asymmetric bodice. Finally, Nicolas’s is a crappy looking black thing with some texture on the bodice.

Heidi sends away pretty much everyone, because it’s that early in the game. Left standing: Mitchell, Qristyl with a Q, Ari, Johnny, Ra’Mon, and Christopher.

Qristyl with a Q says her girl is going to the Emmys, and she can see Lindsay or Miley wearing it. Lindsay gives very sound criticism about how the back is great but the front is awful. Wow, Lindsay Lohan sounds SMART, y’all. Someone needs to keep this girl’s shit together like Jamie Spears does for Britney, and then she’ll have an amazing career.

Christopher’s model is heading for the VMA’s. Heidi likes the dress, but not the softer color. Michael Kors wrote “cute and edgy” as his critique. Nina likes the dark, romantic attitude, and Lindsay thinks it needs less ruffles, but she likes it.

Ramon’s gown is for the Oscars. Heidi likes it a lot. Kors finds it chic and well made, but thinks it needs to be pumped up a bit. Lindsay concurs that it’s a bit safe.

Ari’s girl is going to “the VMA’s, like 2080.” And she’s going to receive her Nobel Peace prize on the same night. Kors is having none of this, and tells her the model looks like “a disco soccer ball,” and that there’s no beauty in the piece. Lindsay respects the fact that she has her own ideas, but thinks she’s not aware of what’s acceptable for the context. OH MY GOD, Lindsay Lohan is like the best guest judge ever.

Johnny’s was inspired by a 20’s starlet, and he wanted it to feel languid. Nina says it’s “wonderful and easy.” Lindsay doesn’t care for the color, but Kors adds that the dress is so interesting that he doesn’t need an interesting color at all.

Mitchell explains his model sizing debacle, and Heidi reminds him that models LIE. Nina says it’s “completely sheer and completely unwearable,” but has an attitude she likes. Kors says it looks whipped together, and would make a cool nightgown. No. No it wouldn’t.

Heidi sends the designers away so the judges can talk.

First, their favorites. Ra’Mon’s was safe, but beautifully made. Nina thinks he needs more confidence. Johnny’s dress was a great shape, but needs a different color and better styling. Heidi would wear Christopher’s, and thinks it had youth to it.

Then the least favorites. Qristyl with a Q’s was a nightmare in the front, and Kors is nervous about her taste level. Oh, taste level. I’ve missed you.

They don’t know if Ari is serious at all, and think that speaking to her was like speaking to someone in another world. Lindsay Lohan cracks up at this for some reason, which reminds us that in addition to being an excellent judge, she’s totally young and adorable. Kors says she’s one of those designers whose work is so conceptual it forces you to wonder if you’re not smart enough to get it. Dude, no. Bitch be crazy, that’s all there is.

Mitchell’s dress was a “fully transparent nightgown caftan” that no one could wear. They’ve reached a decision. The designers are brought back out and told that one of them will be named the winner. . .and one will be OUWT. Commercial!

Does the world really need more Sherri Shepherd?

Back! Heidi tells Johnny he’s in. He leaves the runway. Christopher. . . .is the winner! Yay!!! He has immunity for the next challenge. He’s proud to have won even though he doesn’t have the education the others do. DRINK!

Ra’Mon is in. Qristyl with a Q is in.

So it’s down to Mitchell’s naked model and Ari’s . . .thing. Mitchell is safe, thank goodness. I couldn’t lose his adorable face this early.

This means Ari is out. She’s fairly sanguine about it. I’ve always thought it might actually be easier to leave first than fourth or fifth—it’s disappointing, yes, but there’s less of an attachment, not just to the people but to the system of the show itself.

Next week: they’re creating a look for an actual celebrity! Whee!