Project Runway: Let's go to the movies.

Ra’Mon, you are out.
Perhaps now you will go back
To medical school?

So I have to tell you, I’m floored. Not about Ra’Mon. I mean, Ra’Mon, you know, whatever. He had intricate braids and reminded me of Shemar Moore from Diary of a Mad Black Woman and because of that I hated him because that is maybe one of the top two worst movies I’ve ever seen. And he made a lizard dress, so . . .good call on that one Heidi.

No, pumpkins, what I’m floored by is that this show finally has me believing in conspiracy theories.

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories. I don’t believe in secret societies pulling the strings behind everything, or the hidden lineage of Jesus, or the grassy knoll.

And I particularly discount them on reality shows, because the “X wuz robbed!” “Producer shenanigans!” “The judges have it in for Y!” “Heidi hateth Alithun becauthe I. . . I mean, becauthe she’th tho beautiful” all tend to boil down to one thing: the conspiracy theorists in question are pissed because they didn’t get the outcome they wanted.

It’s been particularly easy for me to ignore all the “OMG ANTI-GORDANNA CONSPIRACY!!!1111eleventy!!” ranting that’s been going on on the interwebs because I don’t care for Gordanna’s aesthetic. In my eyes, her look tends to be very . . .Eastern European. Which is code for cheap, whorey looking, and kind of ‘90’s. Her stuff is well made, yes, but it’s not terribly original, and it's not something I go for.

But to be in the bottom? For that freaking gorgeous flapper dress? While they gave that cheap looking Snow Queen thing the win?

OMG ANTI-GORDANNA CONSPIRACY!!!1111eleventy!!

But more on that later.

And also, because it has to be said: where in the merciless bluedilly fuck are Kors and Nina? Heidi didn’t even introduce the other judges as “filling in for” this week. It’s like she’s gloating that her evil scheme is complete and her reign of terror and rewarding cheap, tacky shit can go on unabated.

Don’t get too comfortable, bitch. The Oompa Loompa is back next week!

Morning! Los Angeles! In the apartments, the boys reflect on how it’s weird waking up with two empty beds. It’s particularly weird when you realize that three dudes are gone, but whatever. I guess Malvin and Johnny were both in Ra’Mon’s suite, while Mitchell was in the Nicolas/Epperson suite.

In the girl’s room, Gordanna doesn’t even know what to think about the next challenge, because she was so shocked to have been in the bottom last week. A lot of other people were shocked by that too, actually.

The designers all head out to the runway, where Heidi greets them. After an abbreviated version of her usual spiel, cut down to be used in Models of the Runway, she tells them that it’s time to “see what this town is most known for: movie making.”

The designers are all excited. The feather prince tells us that he’s done LOTS of movie costumes. I hate him. He always looks so moist.

They head out to a movie studio, where Tim and Collier Strong meet them. Tim tells them that their challenge is to create a look inspired by a cinematic genre , and a character who lives in that world.

Gordanna and Nicolas both interview that they absolutely don’t want Western. I would LOVE IT if both of the Europeans got Western—it would be interesting to see what kind of saloon girl gear they could render out of spandex and lace.

Anyway, Collier Strong is there because this is the L’Oreal challenge, and Collier will help them bring the characters to life through L’Oreal makeup, and blah blah L’Oreal blah blah blah L’Oreal, blah L’Oreal L’Oreal L’Oreal.

Irina gets to choose her genre because she won the last challenge. She chooses film noir. The other designers get their names drawn from the bag; each genre can be selected by two people. Choosing first and second, Logan and Carol Hannah both take action/adventure. Ra’Mon takes sci-fi/fantasy. Louise and Althea both take Film Noir. Gordanna takes period piece. Nicolas takes sci-fi/fantasy. Chris takes the last period piece, and Epperson and Shirin are both stuck with Western. Sad trombone.

They all head back to the work room, where they get a dossier on their genre and some time to sketch. They’ll have 30 minutes and $150 at Mood, and will have until midnight to complete their designs.

Epperson struggles with the idea of Western, while Shirin goes the saloon girl route. Carol Hannah decides to make a sexy assassin costume. She and Logan confer about their action/adventure ideas. Logan interviews that Carol Hannah is the only girl in the cast he’s connected with, and she says he’s a lot of fun getting to know. Carol Hannah says that she finds having her table right next to Logan’s is distracting. Presumably because of his hotness. Is that love I smell in the air? I approve. They can have pretty, well dressed babies.

Moving around the room, Ra’Mon admits to being a die hard Trekkie, so he’s psyched about his costume. In the noir group, Louise is thinking 30’s/40’s, while Althea is thinking femme fatale. Irina just says that the last challenge reminded her of how good she is.

Chris and Gordanna both like the latitude of having “period piece,” because it can be ANY period. Roman. Victorian. Belle Epoch. Menstrual. Medieval.

Mood! They race around getting their fabric, and the only notes I manage to pull out of the mess is that Nicolas wants to be expressive and daring, and Christopher wants brocade, but can’t find any that’s not really expensive. Craziness! Running! Time! Thank you, Mood!

Back in the workroom (oh my god, when will there be a commercial?). Epperson talks about how he wanted period piece, but has realized that Western IS a period. He makes up a character who has to tough up and take care of the farm because her husband is off at war.

Nicolas has some complicated back story for his costume about his character being one of three queens who rules the universe, and they all live on Orion’s Belt (there’s a pause before he says Orion’s Belt during which one of the gays in the living room shouts out “Uranus!” which I really think would’ve been a more hilarious answer). Ra’Mon’s girl is going to be a human alien hybrid.

Then there’s some nonsense where people keep stealing Louise’s bobbins. Louise interviews that she’s not sure what her story is yet. This worries Nicolas. Commercial! Oh, thank god, finally.

Back! Workroom! 6.5 hours until the end of the day. Logan thinks it’ll come down to who interprets the challenge best, while Gordanna “just wants to send down the runway everything perfect.”

Tim thru! He starts with Gordanna, who is making a flapper dress for a woman from the 20’s who’s discovered oil and is coming out in society. Chris’s character is a vampire bride from Paris in the 1800’s. Tim likes it, but shakes his head at the idea of a halter top, reminding Chris that bare arms aren’t very Victorian.

Moving to Epperson, he says “all I can say is Annie, get your gun!” Now, that could easily be a good or a bad thing. Fortunately, Tim follows that up by telling Epperson he’s seduced by his ruffles (bom chicka wow-wow! Ruffle seduction!), so it’s clearly a good thing.

He goes over to Ra’Mon’s and tells him that it “could be sublime or could be a big hot mess.” He loves what Louise is capable of achieving with subtlety and nuance, but cautions her that that doesn’t always show well on the runway. Similarly, he tells Nicolas to exaggerate what he wants to do.

Leaving, he tells them that he’s “enthralled and inspired by what each of [them] is doing,” and adjures them to judge themselves harshly. He then sends the models in for fittings and L’Oreal consults.

Seeing his ugly green jumpsuit with the lizard skin codpiece on his model, Ra’mon begins to second guess himself. And quite wisely, might I add—I know his revised look got him sent home, but this would’ve gotten him sent home while the judges pointed at him and laughed and threw things and beat him with brooms. He decides the green bodysuit looks like “Kermit the Frog gone wrong,” and decides to start from scratch with two hours left.

And then Louise sews right through her fingernail. Well, that’s tetanus waiting to happen. Commercial!

Back! It’s morning again at the not-Atlas apartments where everyone prepares. Nicolas is panicked, and would trade his newborn for a glue gun. Does Nicolas even have a newborn? Because otherwise that’s just one big ole’ empty promise.

In the workroom, Ra’mon interviews that he changed his design so he could take his look to the next level. Logan also gives an interview, but I have no idea what he says because the gays sitting on either side of me are shouting “take your shirt off!!!!”

Ok, maybe I’m shouting it a little too.

Tim enters and gives his weekly product placement spiel. There’s the usual fashion flurry with Grodanna fine tuning a lot of accessories. Makeup! Ten minutes! Tim tells them to rally! Althea interviews that Ra’Mon is stressed and Irina is hurrying to get her dress together. And as time is called, we see Irina stitching the dress while it’s on her model. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi introduces the judges: designer John Varvatos; She-Who-is-Not-Nina Zoe Glassner; and costume designer Arianne Phillips, who did the costumes for Walk the Line.

Let’s start the show! And let me just say, I LOVE this show. There were very few actual clunkers, and most of the clothes were just straight up FUN. You should check them out.

Irina’s noir look is a sleek black dress with a white cape. It kind of recalls Kim Bassinger’s first look in L.A. Confidential, so it’s maybe more nouvelle-noir or noir pastiche than pure noir, but it’s nice. Carol Hannah’s “sexy assassin” struts out in a latex mini dress with a cape. Shirin’s outfit is a fierce saloon girl dress with purple ruffles, and her model sells the crap out of it.

Christopher’s strikes me as kind of a Les Miz chorus costume. A gorgeous one, but that’s the first thing that popped into my head. It’s not true period so much as it is evoking a period. Nicolas has made a dress for the White Witch in a high school production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Althea has made a black dress with a white blouse/capelet hybrid. It’s basic, but very much what you would wear to walk into Phillip Marlowe’s office. Ra’Mon has made a lizard dress. It’s. . .a lizard dress. That’s all you can say about it.

Louise has made a champagne colored flapper dress with black lace overlay. It’s beautiful, but it says “flapper,” and not “film noir.”

Epperson’s dress comes out and it is this amazing, huge, fierce, denim thing. Like Christopher’s, it evokes a period more than it is a period piece, but it’s stunning. Gordanna’s is that beautiful copper colored flapper dress, and her model has a good walk for the first time this season. Logan has made a really hot ripped pleatherette body suit.

They all gather on the runway. Heidi calls out Logan, Carol Hannah, Shirin, Irina, and Althea. They’re all safe.

Then the judges start with their critique, beginning with Gordanna. John Varvatos liked the detail in the work, and I prepare to write many nice things.

But then he turns on a dime and says it’s not a signature piece. What???? When did that become part of the challenge? They were told to make a costume for a character in a genre. They weren’t told to make it a “signature piece.”

This theme continues as Arianne Philips tells her that she questions the specialness of the dress, and Zoe Glassner says there’s no doubt of her skill as a dressmaker, but the dress is “nothing original.”

Gordanna looks crushed. It’s heart wrenching.

They move to Nicolas, who tells his story about the three queens and Uranus. Erm, I mean, Orion’s Belt. Varvatos loves the story and the way he got into the character. Ariane Philips agrees that he knew the character and really worked well with the makeup. And Zoe says that she wrote “clever, bold, and risky” in her notes.

We’re officially in bizarro world.

Louise explains that her girl is a starlet in the 40’s who’s dressed up as a flapper from the 20’s. Ooooooo-kay. Zoe Glassner says that that’s a complicated story, and her dress is a convoluted mess. She also calls it cheap, and compares it to a French maid outfit you’d buy in a plastic bag.

???????

I mean, I don’t think it works as film noir. I can see the lack of originality. But cheap?

Christopher explains his vampire bride story. Varvatos likes the way he thinks, and Zoe finds the dress really well done with an elegant neck. Heidi likes the way he made it modern, and Arianne Philips tells him it’s worthy of being photographed.

Ra’mon starts explaining his look with the phrase “well, her name is Lola,” and everyone I’m watching with sings “she was a showgirl.” And so we miss part of the explanation where she’s a human-lizard hybrid with an insatiable thirst for sex.

Zoe likes the story but hates the dress. Varvatos agrees that he missed the mark, and Heidi calls it a hot green mess. Finally, they’re talking sense.

Finally, Epperson explains his character. Arianne Philips tells him that its fabulous, creative, and has both bravado and contemporary value. Zoe loves the styling, and Varvatos tells Matar that “you can manage my farm any time.” Bom chicka wow-wow! Farm management! Sexy!

Deliberation. They start with Gordanna and reiterate that the dress was thoughtful, but not special. Varvatos says that the people who stood out in this challenge are dreamers, but Gordanna is not. Similarly, Philips says that Louise’s dress didn’t say anything. Ra’Mon’s dress was a shambles, but they saw ideas in it.

On the good side, they think Nicolas’s fabric looked cheap to the naked eye, but would photograph well.

?????????????

Heidi calls Epperson’s interesting and creative, and Varvatos praises Matar again. The costumer says that Chris’s was perfection from every angle. Commercial!

Back! Gordanna is in. Epperson is in. Nicolas is the winner. Everyone in the living room makes vomiting noises, because the little sweat ball will be immune next week, so we're stuck with him for at least two more episodes. Chris is in.

Heidi tells Ra’mon that he missed the mark, and that his dress was a home sewn mess with glimmers of creativity. Louise, on the other hand, was not costumey enough and the dress had no sense of character.

Ra’mon is . . . . out. Yay! Unlike Johnny, he gets a courteous send off and says he can leave with a genuine smile on his face.

Next week: colorful! Working in teams! Michael Kors is back! And one OR MORE of you. . .will be out! Oh, thank God. Let's start paring the ranks back a bit here so they can start screaming at each other, and I'll remember the names from week to week.

Top Chef: Vegas--Deconstructing Dinner.

Ron came from Haiti
And won clam chowder contests
And now he is gone.

Oh Ron. Ron, Ron, Ron. The man with more back story per ounce than any cheftestant in history. The man whose vice was coming from Haiti on a boat. The man whose history included being some sort of chowder champion. The man who asked for a sword to cut his coconuts.

The man who lingered in the middle or bottom except for the first challenge, which he snuck into the top on despite clearly having no idea what a vice was.

I’m sorry. I can’t muster a whole lot of emotion for Ron. Like Mattin, he was clearly chum in the water from early on, and while he had the potential to be interesting, potential doesn’t always pan out. I’m living proof of that. So let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Morning! Top Chef Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound! Mattin has left his little neckerchief behind on his bed. Mike I organizes everyone into wearing Mattin’s leftover neck scarves. Goddamn, how many neckerchiefs did that little Frenchy own?

Anyway, Mike I and Jen both reflect on how Robin shouldn’t be here and has gotten lucky so far, and while Robin doesn’t say that this is the case, she recognizes that this is the predominant feeling in the house. And they all neckerchief up and head out to the Top Chef kitchen . . .

. . . where Padma waits for them with Michelle Bernstein. Argh. Michelle Bernstein is one of those chefs who needs no introduction, but in her case, she actually doesn’t need an introduction anymore, because she keeps turning up on Top Chef over and over. You may remember her from last season, when she judged the “Christmas” benefit hosted by the late Natasha Richardson.

Or, you might have been too blinded by the luminousness of the late Natasha Richardson to remember that Michelle Bernstein was there too, and was kind of a pain in the ass.

Anyway, Padma tells them that Las Vegas is a land of constant temptation, a battle between the angel on the left shoulder and the devil on the right. They have one hour to create a duo that represents these conflicting impulses for their quickfire challenge.

Food Flurry! Ash is making custards, which is risky. Eli is doing scallops two ways. Who does he think he is, Jamie Lauren? Robin’s inspiration is being diagnosed with cancer and knowing that sugar’s bad for her, and still wanting it. Bryan is trying to play it simple so he doesn’t overdo it like he has in past quickfires.

With a minute or so left, one of Ash’s custards didn’t set, leaving him with “kind of heated eggs.”

Time! Padma and Jill begin their run through of the food, starting with Mike V’s Angel of a Rillete of Salmon and Sopa, and his Devil, a Confit Salmon and Ice Cream. His inspirations are modern vs. traditional preparations. Kevin’s Angel is Halibut and Seasonal Vegetables while the Devil is Crushed Deviled Eggs and Bacon. Ron’s Angel is Chilean Sea Bass with Carrots, and his Devil is Yucca and Corn Mash. We don’t hear his inspiration, but Padma gets a lot of bones in her portion of halibut.

Moving on to Ashley, she has a scallop duo: Angel - Scallop Crudo and Devil - Scallop Puttanesca. Her devil is the aggression and salt in the puttanesca. Eli’s is ALSO scallops: the Angel is a healthy Scallop with Radish and Greens, and the Devil is a Scallop with Risotto and Butter. Bryan’s Angel is a pure white Frozen Coconut Lychee and his Devil is a dark brown/black Dark Chocolate Mousse. Jennifer has ALSO made scallops (what is with these people and the scallops????) with a lite Angel of Simple Scallop with Olive Oil and a buttery Devil - Scallop with Butter.

For all the bitching about Robin playing the cancer card, I think a lot of them knocked themselves out of the competition by having dishes that are way too similar. Light Scallop/Heavy Scallop. In Padma and Michelle's shoes, I would've immediately disqualified all of the scallopers because I'd be so burnt out on scallops.

Ash explains his half done dish, which is his Devil of Spicy Asparagus Custard. Oh, god that sounds so vile.

Robin talks about her Angel, a Raw Salad of Apple and Fennel, and her Devil, a Cardamom Ginger Crisp. She explains how it was inspired by her cancer. Laurine’s Angel is Chicken Consomme and Vegetables, while Bravo tells us that her Devil is Chicken Saltimbanco. I can only assume they mean Chicken Saltimbocca, unless her chicken is somehow a tribute to the Cirque du Soleil show Saltimbanco. Which would be very Vegas. And very creepy. Don't click on that link. Scary clown.

Tangent: I used to painstakingly type out the descriptions as they appeared on the screen, which required a lot of pausing and rewinding. This season, I’ve gone to just writing DISH in bold to remind me to insert the name of the dish there when I finish things up in the morning, and then I cut and paste the description from bravotv.com. It’s a lot less time consuming, and means I’m routinely in bed before midnight. . .but on the other hand, you run into some DOOZIES in the typo department (like last week’s “Kelly donuts”), and I’m not sure I’m correcting for all of them. On the one hand, this makes me nervous. On the other. . .it pretty routinely gives me something to make fun of.

Anyway, wrapping things up, Mike I’s Angel is Cucumber Yogurt Soup while his Devil is Rack of Lamb Kabob Style. Michelle finds it salty.

Michelle then announces her least favorites. Ash’s was overwhelming and runny. Bryan had a good concept, but his execution wasn’t up to snuff. Laurine’s was nothing new or inspiring.

Then she lists her favorites. Michael V’s transported her and was perfectly executed. Eli’s was awesome, and Robin’s contrast was nice. And the winner is . . .Robin! So she gets immunity for this round. She’s encouraged by the fact that she’s gone from the bottom to the top. I can never hear someone talking about going from the bottom to the top without being reminded of Da Brat—from the bottom to the top/ top to bottom I go.

And yes, I know I’ve used that gag before.

Eli is pissed that Robin has immunity: “That’s a pretty good way to win a quickfire; tell people you had fucking cancer. ‘When I had cancer I could eat this, and when I didn’t I could eat this.’ It’s like. . ok. I mean. . .weak.”

Whoa. . .you know, I don’t like it when they don’t show you the antagonism BUILDING in a reality show. I mean, clearly it has been building for awhile, now, because “Robin sucks and keeps talking about her cancer and SUCKS” is one of the major motifs of this episode, and pretty much everyone sings a verse or two of it. So why haven’t we seen it before this episode? Why has she been allowed to be such a nonentity up until now?

Anyway. It’s Elimination time. Padma tells them that for their challenge, they have one of Vegas’ dynamic duos. . . and Penn and Teller enter! Yay! Kevin is a huge fan of theirs.

Penn introduces their first trick with a lot of patter, and does the cups and balls trick. And then they do it with clear cups so you can see how it’s done. It’s all very. . . magical. Ish.

Padma tells them that for their challenge, they’ll be deconstructing a classic dish. They draw knives for their dishes, and while I hate to nitpick (oh, who the hell am I kidding?) the dishes are less "classic" -- which makes me think of classical French preparations-- than "traditional." All the knives say things like Meat Lasagna, Shepherd's Pie, Reuben. . .and don't get me wrong, they're all things I LOVE, but I don't know if I'd call them classic.

Anyway, tomorrow, they’ll serve Michelle, Penn and Teller, Tom, Padma, and Toby.

Ashley deadpans that having “Toby Young, the meanest guy in food criticism” there will raise the stakes.

Commercial!

Back! Shopping! They have 30 minutes and $125. Bryan is tackling his Reuben by curing tuna the way you would salami. Jen’s plan is to get her components for her meat lasagna dish, and then figure out what she’s doing with them later.

Kitchen! Mike I has Eggs Florentine, and he doesn’t know what they are. So he’s calling them “Eggs Foreign to Me.” Seriously? SERIOUSLY? He doesn’t know what Eggs Florentine are? Has he never worked anywhere that serves brunch?

Mike V is making his deconstructed Caesar salad, and he is going to town—making his own bread, making spherical dressing, and so on. His brother calls him a show off for making his own bread.

An hour and seventeen minutes. Jen is still trying to sort out the dish in her head. She’s insecure about this challenge because she’s classically trained and doesn’t do deconstructions. She’s bright red, and there’s a point at which she might actually be crying. I want to hug her.

Ron discusses his deconstructed Paella. I feel like pointing him to an episode of What Would Bryan Boitano Make, because one of Brian Boitano’s menus was all about deconstructed Paella--saffron rice cakes and shrimp and chorizo skewers and a chicken scallop mini burger that for some reason Food Network doesn't provide a recipe for. And it was AWESOME. If I ever get my shit together, you can expect a full post about how much I love What Would Brian Boitano Make, and how freaking shocked I am about that.

Eli thinks Ron doesn’t know quite what deconstructed means, and then introduces us to his “Frankencooker” – a pressure cooker that’s now held together with blue tape because the baggage handlers weren’t careful with it. . . .and then the Frankencooker explodes all over him and Bryan. Ash points out that there are other pressure cookers in the back, so using Frankencooker is pretty stupid. Which, given the explosive results. . .yeah.

Robin is deconstructing the chowder by making a braised fennel flan. Oh, that sounds like so many flavors of barf. Laurine is stressed and frustrated by Robin’s need to constantly narrate everything that happens, and then Robin compounds this by asking her to take the pancetta out of the oven for her. . .which Laurine does, begrudgingly. You know, Laurine, you could’ve said no. If you think someone’s taking advantage of you, your best course of action is just to not let them.

Tom Thru! Oh my god, is this the FIRST TOM THRU OF THE SEASON???? Oh my god, it is. Oh, Tom thru! How I’ve missed you! Why are they dispensing with so many integral parts of the show this season? First the prizes, then the Tom thru. . . it’s too much. But this week they're both back! Yay!

He starts with Ash, who is making Shepherd’s pie, and has only a vague idea of what he’s doing. Jen keeps running away from Tom as he’s making his rounds because she doesn’t have time to talk with him. Thwarted, Tom moves over to Ron, who says he needs luck because he only makes traditional paella.

Tom finally catches up with Jen, who briefly explains what she’s doing and admits that deconstruction is out of her realm.

Ash, similarly, has worked in pretty traditional restaurants and isn’t super excited about deconstructing food. Time!

They pack up and go back to their luxury cheftestant compound, where Ron continues to fret about his paella. Kevin thinks Ron doesn’t know what this paella is supposed to be.

In another part of the house, Mike I, Laurine, and Jen talk about how frustrating the day was, and Laurine brings up the Robin not shutting up problem again. Commercial!

Back! Fake back. Mike goes around asking people what Eggs Florentine is. Alarmingly, none of them seem to know what Eggs Florentine are. Seriously, people. Eggs Florentine. Have you ever been to brunch?

Back! Morning! Everyone’s getting ready, sans neckerchiefs this time, and Jen continues to worry about her lasagna. The chefs all head out to the kitchen of Marinelli’s restaurant at the M resort, where they’ll have an hour to prepare.

The diners enter. Toby Young winks grossly at someone—I think Michelle, who, actually does look a lot more smoking hot and less frazzled and frumpy than usual (that's the magic of the desert's arid climate, darlings--it can defrizz even Michelle Bernstein). But Toby might also be winking at the camera.

Oh, who are we kidding? It’s Toby Young. Flirting with the camera is much more likely than flirting with an actual flesh and blood woman.

The cheftestants start serving in pairs, which is a strange choice for this challenge since there are an odd number of cheftestants. The first service is Mike ‘s Deconstructed Caesar Salad with Chicken Wing, Parmesan Gel, and Brioche, and Mike V’s Deconstructed Eggs Florentine - Braised Kale Roll, Egg Emulsion, Crispy Phyllo.

Toby didn’t care for the Eggs Florentine because it was less a deconstruction Eggs Florentine than a reinvention. Tom misses the egg whites.

Penn likes Mike V’s Caesar salad, and Michelle thinks the execution was beautiful.

Laurine and Bryan are serving second, and Laurine has to get the oil up to cook her chips. They’re still a bit soggy, so she throws them in the oven and they burn. She’s down to two chips per plate.

Bryan explains his Deconstructed Reuben: Tuna Pastrami, Warm Mayo, Shallots, Rye, Gruyere Cheese, Fried Capers. I love Reubens, but making one with tuna just sounds wrong to me. Laurine presents her Deconstructed Fish and Chips - Malt Sabyon, Tartar Sauce and Tomato Confit with Ginger and Garlic.

Michelle doesn’t like Michelle’s fish, and Teller nods since he’s not allowed to speak, ever, since god forbid they drop their schtick for twenty seconds in the course of their lives. Tom thinks the fish was overcooked, and Toby points out that not only did they get barely any chips, but she’s made American chips rather than British chips (what we heathens call fries). Teller pantomimes the chips being hard to chew.

Michelle thinks the Reuben was delicious, but Penn thinks it didn’t taste much like a Reuben.

Ten minutes to Ash and Jenn’s service. Ash’s parsnip puree isn’t working out, so he replaces it with a pea puree . Jen worries that she might be going home because she doesn’t like the way her lasagna looks.

Ash is nervous about serving Shepherd’s pie to a Brit. His dish is a Deconstructed Shepherd’s Pie: Pan Roasted Lamb Chop with Braised Leeks, Glazed Carrots, Pea Puree and Madiera Jus, while Jen’s Deconstructed Meat Lasagna is Flat Iron Steak, Mascarpone Bechemel, Tomato Sauce and Parmesan Crisp. I’m pretty sure I could nom that for days.

Michelle says that Jennifer’s IS meat lasagna, just deconstructed. Which. . .was totally the point of the challenge. Tom points out how inconsistent the cooking on Ash’s lamb was, and Toby goes to town on how leaving the potato element out of a shepherd’s pie is “interpreting the challenge with a little too much latitude.”

Ron and Eli are up next, and Eli thinks Ron seems scattered and disorganized. Ron’s dish is a Deconstructed Seafood Paella with Chayote and Fennel. Eli has made a Deconstructed Sweet and Sour Pork: Tempura Pork Roulette, Broccoli Puree, Sweet and Sour Sauce, Broccoli Salad.

Padma asks what people think of the paella, and the first word out of Tom’s mouth is a choked out "dry.” Michelle adds that the rice is overcooked and not crisp. Padma says it doesn’t seem deconstructed.

Tom likes the pork balls, but Toby thinks they look “like bull’s testicles.” At this point, Padma has to show off and tell everyone she’s had bull’s testicles, and “these are a little big.” Ugh.

Ashley and Kevin are up next. Ashley has made Deconstructed Pot Roast - Seared Strip Loin, Potato Puree, Crispy Shallots, and Carrot Form. Oh, yum. I love Pot Roast, and I love shallots so much that I'd even eat the carrot foam to get to that dish. Kevin’s Deconstructed Chicken Mole Negro is Baked Chicken and Chicken Croquetta, Mexican Coffee, Chili Flake, Pumpkin and Fig Jam. That takes about 90 minutes to explain, but it sounds infinitely nommable.

Penn says he doesn’t want to have any other mole he’s had after having this. Teller pantomimes heat. Michelle says Ashley kicked ass on the pot roast, and Toby thinks it’s the best cooked piece of meat they’ve had so far.

Next up are Robin’s Deconstructed New England Clam Chowder: Clam, Flan with Fennel, Braised Celery Slaw, Pancetta Crisp, Crushed Bacon, (which caption Bravo, in their infinite wisdom, is displaying with a picture of Kevin’s Mole Negro) and. . oops, that’s it! We’re out of cheftestants, so she’s serving alone. Because the theme of this week’s episode, in case you missed it, is that no one likes Robin.

Padma thinks it’s like cream celery soup rather than clam chowder. Toby finds the texture repulsive. And then Teller pantomimes how he uses magic to make food disappear when he doesn’t want to eat it.

Padma dismisses Penn and Teller and asks everyone else back to judges’ table. Commercial!
Back! The cheftestants file back into the stew room. Padma calls back Ashley, Mike V., Kevin, and Jennifer.

They are the top group. Tom thought Michael did a great job with the dish, and thinks it’s one of the times chemistry really works in cooking.

Michelle says she’s not one for pot roast, but she fell in love with Ashley’s. And then it’s probably editing, but it seems like there’s a little look between the two of them. A little sparkage. Or maybe Ashley’s just glad to be on the top for the second week in a row.

Tom says that while there was a lot going on with Kevin’s plate, it was all necessary and balanced. Toby tells Jennifer that her lasagna was simple and straightforward, but good. Tom reminds her of what a mess she was yesterday, and says it was nice to see that she pulled it together.

Michelle gets to announce the winner, and it’ . . . .Kevin! Yay! And he gets some Calphalon nonstick cookware as his product placement prize. Is this the first prize of the season? Lucky woodland dwelling bastard.

Back in the stewroom, Ash is giving Robin some grief about having won immunity with a salad and an apple crisp. Because as we’ve established, no one likes Robin. Mike calls back Laurine, Ron, and Ash.

Padma tells them they had the most disappointing dishes of the evening. Toby brings up the lack of potato in the “shepherd’s pie” again, and Ash explains the parsnip puree situation. Tom tells him about the inconsistent cooking on the chops.

Laurine says the challenge was hard because she doesn’t deconstruct, and thinks her fish may’ve been overcooked. Tom says that the dish was a little tentative, and Michelle says it was so deconstructed that it didn’t ever come together.

Toby brings up the scanty portion of chips, and Michelle explains the crisping issues again, pointing out that she’d rather give them each 2 good chips instead of 6 soggy ones.

Padma asks Ron if he’s done much deconstruction, and Ron says “never.” Tom thinks Ron got stuck in his head, and Toby says the rice was simultaneously dry and soggy. Padma says he didn’t manipulate the dish enough.

The judges send the cheftestants back to the stew room and Ash does the obligatory “we don’t know anything.” Why do they always do that? It’s so disingenuous at this point. They know they’re going to be sent back to the stew room before hearing the decision; everyone KNOWS they don’t know anything at this point. So why does someone feel the need to announce it EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK?

The judges start their deliberation with Ron. Then Toby and Michelle get in a fight over the pronunciation of paella. It starts with Toby pronouncing it “Pa-Ella” rather than “pa-YAY-ya,” and Tom making fun of that. And then Toby says that he doesn’t understand why they all tried to say it correctly, since it’s not like they correctly pronounced other Spanish words, like Mexico or Barcelona, and he does this with an exaggerated accent so they come out MAY-hee-ko and BAR-thel-Ona. And then Michelle Bernstein snaps back that she’s LATIN, and so of COURSE she says pa-YAY-ya and BAR-thel-Ona.

Anyway, it’s all very uncomfortable. And on a completely unrelated note, I love how Michelle Bernstein has started working the fact that she’s LATIN into every episode she’s in, just so people don’t think she’s just another white Jewish girl from Florida who’s co-opted LATIN cuisine.

I also love how being LATIN is apparently the only reason she pronounces things correctly. Apparently you can’t do it because it’s respectful, or even because it’s the convention in U.S. food circles, or because fucked up little ex- colony that we are, we’ve ended up pronouncing some foreign words correctly and others incorrectly without rhyme or reason.

There’s a town halfway between where I grew up and where I went to college called Casa Grande, with the Casa pronounced correctly (unless you’re a shitkicker and call it KA-ser with the “a” like apple) and the Grande pronounced Grand or Grahnd (unless you’re a pretentious jackass who calls it Catha Grrranday. And then we know YOU’RE NOT FROM HERE and we horse whip you and run you out of town on a rail. Or mock you behind your back. One of those). Does it make sense? Hell no. It’s just the way it is. And even the heavy percentage of people in the state who are LATIN don’t say it any differently (again, unless they’re some pretentious viva la raza! type who’s moved there from New York to “reclaim” their roots and complain about the heat).

Also, if you didn’t catch this, it kind of grates on me when people call themselves LATIN (unless they pronounce it LA’in, which I find endearing enough to forgive). What does that mean? Latino/a? Ancient Roman? From Latin America? It’s so non-specific, and it encourages the American stereotype that all Latin American/Hispanic/Central American/South American/Chicano countries/cuisines/people can be grouped together into one homogenous glob under the heading of “Latin,” like there are no discernable differences between Mexican, Dominican, Cuban, Puerto Rican, Honduran, Argentinian. . .etc. foods, cultures, or people.

It’s like if every time I flipped over a table and called someone a prostitutionwhore, or refused to budge on an argument, I said it was because I was EUROPEAN. No, no, no. I’m violent and erratic because I’m Italian; I’m stubborn because I’m Dutch. If we’re going to stereotype, let’s at least stereotype specifically.

So we’ve gone wildly off course there. Sorry. Back to the deliberation.

Ash’s was just a poor plate of food. Michelle says it never came together, nor was it pulled apart very well. Toby says this is the dish he’d least like to eat again. Laurine’s fish was overcooked, didn’t recall fish and chips, and the dish was "uncomfortable".

Which is just one of the strangest descriptions of food ever--it's like the fish & chips wore the wrong thing to dinner and things got awkward. Ooooh, now the fish & chips is uncomfortable. Commercial!

Back! Tom gives them a lecture on deconstruction, then says that Ron didn’t depart enough from the original; Laurine was unable to personalize the dish; and Ahs didn’t give them anything resembling shepherd’s pie.

Padma tells Ron to pack his knives and go. He says it was a great experience and he has not regrets. I have a regret: I never managed to work that Papa Doc joke I promised you in there.

Next time! Um. . . where my previews at, DVR??? Come on! Ok, let’s pretend that. . .the chefs will be cooking for Sigfried & Roy, and must make a dish out of three exotic ingredients: sequins, lycra, and tiger meat. Robin will talk about cancer and everyone else will complain about this. Bravo will continue to try to force the Voltaggio brothers to hate on each other. Mike I will say something sexist. Eli will say something snarky. Jen will turn bright red. Ashley will wear her Elvis Costello glasses. And someone. . . will be going home.

Dear Guy at the Gym. . .

Hey there.

I don't know you. I don't know anything about you, except the fact that you work out at the Big Gay Gym. This likely means you're gay, but I try not to make assumptions.

I'm guessing you're a morning person, since you were there this morning. But on the other hand, maybe you're like me, squeezing your workouts in when you can despite the fact that the mere act of lacing up your sneakers before the sun is out makes you stabby.

And I'm thinking you must really love your country. Because for the life of me, I can't think of any other reason one would purchase those bright blue lycra bike shorts with the American flag motif running in a stripe down the legs.

On that note, though, maybe you want to not wear those again, ever? Because if you do love America, you probably don't want it associated with a garment that displays your junk quite so prominently.

It is not flattering.

It is, in fact, probably making people hate America.

If you wear those shorts again, the terrorists have won.

Project Runway: Contributing to the Death of the American Newspaper

Johnny the Addict
Caught in lies on the runway
Birds attacking his dress.

So I have some good news and some bad news, mein liebschoens.
The good news is, we finally get some interesting interpersonal drama in this episode. In the first place, Irina and Althea seem to hate each other, and now they’ve each won a challenge – back to back, too. Are we heading for some sort of pretty girl face off?

Shorter lived but much fiercer in its meow factor was the war between the two stumpy little men, Nicolas and Johnny the addict. I’m sad that we didn’t get any sort of build up to the raging hate on these two had for each other, because it was delightful.

But on the bad news side of things. . .say it with me, y’all:

WHERE. THE FUCK. ARE KORS. AND NINA?

I’m even going to qualify that question a little bit: this week’s team of Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner, and Eva Longoria Parker were much better and more qualified judges than last week’s trinity of doom (and yes, I realize Zoe Glassner is in both of those categories, but this week’s group let her talk a lot more). They mercifully managed to tone down Heidi’s yen for tack, and Eva actually had some good comments – which you can officially color me shocked on.

But no matter how good a copy is, it’s still not a real diamond, is it loves? And week after week, Lifetime keeps trying to foist a variety of rhinestones on us. And unless they start providing some sort of context (e.g. “Nina is in Paris on assignment for Marie Claire magazine and will be back in two more challenges” or “Michael Kors has laryngitis and can’t fling his usual barbs at you,”) it’s going to keep feeling like the new network (and maybe Heidi?) is trying to muscle the old cast out.

Anyway, last bit of news before we roll on with this: the dress I identified last week as being Qristyl with a Q’s losing dress was actually Johnny the Addict’s nearly losing dress. This is Qristyl’s actual dress that got her auf-ed.

Phew, it’s good to have that off my chest. On with the show!

Morning! Los Angeles! The girls reflect on how much quieter it is without Qristyl with a Q around. And then they have the same tiresome conversation about how weird it is that people keep leaving. Jesus. It’s like these people didn’t realize they were signing up for a reality show or something.

In the boys’ room, Johnny the Addict reflects on how he never wants to be in the bottom 3 again, and says it’s the emptiest he ever felt. I hope to god that’s hyperbole, because when someone who ‘s danced with Tina says that they’ve never felt emptier. . . you got problems.

Back in the girl’s apartment, Althea reflects on winning and would like to do it again (duh). Irina, on the other hand, says that she would give credit to anyone who deserved to win. . . but Althea didn’t.

In the first place, this sets up one of the themes of the episode: pretty girls hate each other. In the second, I agree totally. Althea’s fest of saggy boobs and diapers should’ve been nowhere near the top three, much less the winner.

And in the third place, I can’t type the words “she would give credit to anyone who deserved to win” without thinking “I give props to those who deserve it/ and believe me, y’all, he’s worth it.”

So there you go. Irinia gives props to those who deserve it, but Althea isn’t worth it.
Runway! Heidi comes out and gives them their HALLO! and reminds them that Althea has immunity. Then they cut all the interesting model related parts of the runway for use in Models of the Runway, and skip to the portion where she tells them that Tim will be taking them on a field trip for their next challenge, and that “the answers will all be in black and white.”

OooooooOOOOoooooo.

Logan speculates that it might be about old Hollywood, since they’re in L.A. and movies used to be in black and white and all.

They head out with Tim and drive through Los Angeles.

Eventually, they end up at the Los Angeles Times, where Tim introduces them to Booth Moore, the Fashion Critic for the Los Angeles Times. Except she appears not to have any articles in her portfolio since November of 2008? Maybe she got RIFfed after this episode was filmed.

He then gives him some dome spiel about how fashion is news. It’s one of the most tortured analogies I’ve ever heard, which makes me think it was foisted on him by the producers. Usually Tim’s bon mots feel a lot more organic than that.

Anyway, it’s all a lead in to Booth Moore’s announcement that they’ll be creating a look using only sections of the Times as their materials.

And that’s the last we see of Booth Moore. One wonders why she doesn’t serve either as this episode’s Nina replacement – if you’re doing a Los Angeles Times challenge, it only makes sense to heave the Fashion Critic from that paper on your judging panel, right? Which makes me feel even more like they’re trying to force Nina out and foist Zoe Glassner on us in her place. Don’t try to play that bullshit, Lifetime. We’re not fooled.

The designers have three minutes to gather as much paper as they can and cram it into a bunch of plastic bags. They all go crazy grabbing paper. Ra’Mon grabs piles of the image section because the way it’s folded presents an interesting stripe of color. Irina mocks everyone else for grabbing entire reams of paper saying that they’re “dressing a woman, not an elephant.”

I initially thought this would be a lead in to her running out of paper, but (spoiler alert!) it’s not.

They head back to the workroom. Tim shows them the dyes and so forth that they can use to transform the newspaper, and tells them that they can use muslin for infrastructure.

He then gives them a lecture on the history of paper clothing. Ugh, seriously, Tim – we’re not here to learn.

They have until midnight tonight to finish their looks.

Fashion flurry! Christopher has a really ambitious plan to do a ball gown with a “feathered” skirt. If he pulls it off, it’s going to be freaking stunning. Nicolas frets that he’ll be going home because he has no idea what to do, and worries that he’ll be going home.

Irina plans to mix materials and colors to create a print with the newspaper. Shirin is doing a papier mache bodice with an origami skirt. Then everyone else bitches about how much Shirin talks.

Don’t feel bad, Shirin. They’re just jealous because you’re so much more freaking adorable than they are.

Johnny is also doing an origami dress, but he’s officially taking the idea one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, by having origami cranes on the shoulders holding the dress up.

At best, this sounds like a freaking tacky version of a scene from Cinderella. At worst, given my fear of birds, it sounds like MY PERSONAL SODDING NIGHTMARE.

Nicolas is shocked by the awfulness of Johnny’s dress, which Johnny is painting with red fabric dye. He says that it looks like “wrinkled paper covered in pig’s blood,” which, in my mind, is the only way to make “birds are holding up the dress” sound even worse than it already is.

Commercial!

Back! Continuing the fashion flurry! Ra’Mon says he’s inspired by the unconventional materials. Louise is making a headline dress decoupaged from headlines.

Tim thru! He starts at Gordanna’s statement, where she tells him she’s planning to make two garments. One of which will have “Time to Change” written on it. I think that sounds too literal and dumb for words. Tim must agree because he dissuades her from doing it because the other dress she’s made is better.

Moving on to Althea, Tim is a little disappointed in the plan she’s currently working on, and tells her to reconsider the materials by looking at the paper upside down and finding abstract shapes in the paper.

Irina has made a disappointing little halter dress, and wants to make a trench coat but doesn’t think it will work. Tim continues his history of paper fashion 101 lecture from earlier by reminding her that someone made a paper rain coat in 1968.

Then he visits with Johnny. Oh, here’s where the good stuff is. First, he tells Johnny that his dress is like a “craft project gone awry” and that “it looks like Kindergarteners made it.” Then Johnny explains his plan for the birds on the shoulders to look “like the birds are holding up the dress.”

Tim replies that it “looks like the birds are attacking the dress.” Oh, Tim Gunn. You are a man after my own bird fearing heart.

Right then and there, Johnny decides he has to start over entirely. We and the cameras and everyone in the workroom see him rip the dress off the mannequin and throws it in the trash.

Wrapping up the Tim Thru, he tells Nic that he has an interesting trajectory but he should be careful not to be too costumey. He tells Christopher that his idea has the possibility to be a showstopper.

Tim leaves. Johnny starts tiling squares of paper on muslin. Nicolas reflects on how he moved to New York when he was 17, and is going to make something inspired by the punk scene he was part of then. We see a picture of young Nicolas. This is the kind of background you only get before someone leaves, wins, or embarks on a redemption arc.

The models enter and shriek over their clothes, which the designers help them gingerly try on. Shirin’s dress looks a lot like a dress from The Fashion Show that even the designer referred to as the vagina dress. I immediately resent it for making me remember The Fashion Show, something I swore I'd never do.

Johnny lounges around feeling sorry for himself. Then, for some reason, he starts telling people – the models, I guess, but there are other designers either right there or well within earshot – that his previous dress had been great, but he’d accidentally ruined it in some elaborate steamer accident.

Nicolas interviews that there was no steamer in the workroom that day.

Johnny seems to throw in the towel completely at this point, because he starts doing a crossword puzzle. Logan interviews that everyone’s sick of Johnny’s lack of passion and follow through. Me too, Logan. Me too.

Back at the apartment. Ra’Mon talks about how much he loves the challenge. Johnny whines about Tim “tearing his ass apart.” He then continues lying about the steamer situation, which is so ridiculous. It’s one thing to lie to his model, but he’s now lying to people who were there and saw exactly what happened.

In the other apartment, some of the designers sit around cracking up about Tim’s critique of Johnny’s first dress. It’s the most awesomely nasty thing I’ve seen in awhile. I love it.

Commercial!

Back! Morning! The girls talk about whose outfits they like. Louise likes Althea’s dress. They all seem to think Johnny will be at the bottom.

In the boys’ apartment, Nic talks some more Johnny smack. Epperson tries to reign him in, gently saying “he’s still here for a reason.” “Yeah, comic relief,” Nicolas shoots back.

ME. OW.

Back to the workroom. Ra’Mon is anxious about the fact that he’s one of the few designers doing separates. Irina worries about her coat sleeves.

Tim enters and tells them they have two hours to fit their models and send them through the magical world of product placement.

He then adds that it looks like some of them are stalling out.

Thanks, Tim. I’m sure that’s exactly what they need to hear two hours before the runway show.

The models enter. Gordanna talks about how perfect her construction is. Carol Hannah struggles with getting her giant dress off of the mannequin and on her model. Althea and Ra’Mon gossip about whether Irina’s is good enough.

And again, I remind you: the theme of the episode is that pretty girls hate each other.

The models go through make up, hair, and final preparations. Tim tells the designers to get a move on and pack an “emergency repair kit, including lots of tape.”

Johnny snipes that Nicolas’s look isn’t “punk rock, it’s stump rock. It’s dinosaur chic.” Johnny’s addiction clearly jacked up the snark centers in his brain, because “stump rock” makes no sense. Commercial!

Back! Heidi enters and recaps the challenge. Then she introduces their Kors and Nina free panel of judges for this week– Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner, and Eva Longoria Parker. And then they start to show.

Logan’s is first, and it’s a cute but boring strapless asymmetrical cocktail dress with a blue and black pattern. Nicolas’ dress is a boring strapless tiered thing. They’re both immediately knocked out of all memory by Christopher’s amazing gown, which has a dark bodice and the promised “feather” skirt. It’s stunning.

Look at it. LOOK. Stunning, right?

It’s followed by Ra’Mon’s intensely dull ‘90’s dress. Then we have Epperson’s kimono sleeved over the top mess. Johnny’s comes out, and it’s interesting in that his use of paper is ok—the dress is covered in eyes—but the construction of the dress is not. Similarly, Gordanna has used her paper well, but the dress is boring.

Carol Hannah’s is a stunning red gown, and Shirin’s is the vagina dress rendered in newspaper. They’re followed by Irina’s STUNNING coat. It has a “fur” collar and reminds me of something from the Coco Chanel paper dolls I had when I was little.

It’s followed by Althea’s, which is yet another strapless cocktail dress, but rendered in an interesting reptile looking pattern. Finally, we have Louise’s, which has an Egyptian-ish collar and a pouf skirt.

Ok, pause: I know I’ve lamented the lack of interesting challenges in this season so far. But even more disappointing to me is how few of them actually deliver interesting clothes when they’re given an interesting challenge—this was basically a parade of strapless cocktail dresses that were differentiated only in terms of who had better construction and who made better use of the paper. The only people who really did anything different were Christopher, Carol Hannah, Epperson, and Irina. And you’ll notice that two of those people were the top two in this challenge. . .

Anyway. Back on the runway, Heidi calls Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordanna, and Irina. They’re the top and bottom; everyone else is allowed to leave.

Beginning with Althea, Eva tells her she loves it, and that it’s a classic dress she wears all the time. Tommy Hilfiger says that it’s “genius” and well executed, and Zoe praises her exquisite details.

They move to Gordanna. Zoe likes the architectural top, and says it’s a good pattern. But Heidi is bored by it, saying it’s too wearable and real looking.

Gordanna, looking puzzled, replies that she thought the challenge was to make something wearable out of unwearable materials. Countered with this impeccable logic, Heidi has no resort but to give her a stony face. Tommy Hilfiger pitches in saying that she didn’t match the others creatively.

I disagree, Tommy Hilfiger. She certainly didn’t match the top two creatively, but she’s right on par with most of the middle batch of strapless cocktail dresses. Frankly, I'd even put her close to Althea's strapless cocktail dress in terms of sheer level of strapless cocktail dress made from paper execution.

I mean, that's basically all we saw, so it's tough to tell her that her strapless cocktail dress wasn't as creative as all the other strapless cocktail dresses.

Eva tells Irina that she was blown away by the coat, and that she gasped when it came on the runway. Tommy Hilfiger calls it “Chanel meets St. Laurent meets Givenchy in the ‘60’s.” I love that Tommy Hilfiger and I both saw Chanel in that coat. It makes me feel validated. Zoe loves the dimension in the collar.

Johnny takes his turn and repeats his lie about the steamer. Heidi ignores this and tells him she doesn’t love the styling on his dress, and implies that the model looks like a hooker. Eva likes the idea but not the execution. And Zoe Glassner likes the pop art print with the eyes.

Johnny then decides to talk about how great the other dress was, and how IF ONLY the fictional steamer hadn’t ruined it.

At this point, Nicolas has decided he can’t take it anymore, and says the previous dress was a “red mess” and repeats Tim’s comment about how it looked like the birds were attacking the dress. Johnny thanks him for “throwing me under the buss,” and calls him a jerk.

You know what, Johnny the addict? If you hadn’t LIED REPEATEDLY TO THE JUDGES ON THE RUNWAY, he wouldn’t have had the ammo to throw you under the bus with.

The judges move over to Nicolas. Tommy Hilfiger says his look isn’t punk, while Zoe thinks it makes the model look like an insect.

Finally we get to Christopher. Heidi loves the skirt, while Zoe loves that the top is like armor. Eva agrees that it’s very creative, and Tomy Hilfiger finds it “sexy, glamorous, and wow.”

They send the designers off for deliberation. Eva thought that Christopher’s dress was creative, while Zoe Glassner likes that he took a risk while so many others just made strapless shifts (again, thank you for validating me by saying exactly what I had in my notes, Zoe). Heidi liked the structure of Althea’s, while Tommy Hilfiger compares Irina’s to couture. Eva agrees that it’s dramatic without being gimmicky.

On the flip side, Heidi found Gordanna’s boring. Eva didn’t like Nicolas’ dress at all, and while Tommy Hilfiger thought Johnny’s print was cool, the dress was a let down. Plus, he feels like Johnny’s not telling the truth. Commercial!

Back! Heidi tells Althea that she’s in. Then she announces that Irina. . . is the winner! Yay! You can put this up there with Shirin’s maternity win and Christopher’s red carpet win that I agree with unreservedly.

Christopher, of course, is also in. Gordanna is in.

On to the bottom two. Heidi tells Nicolas that his dress didn’t get to where he was trying to go with it. Johnny, however, just made a lot of excuses.

So Nicolas is in and Johnny is OUT. Yay. He tells us again that he feels lost and empty, and adds that “Giving up addiction was easier than Project Runway.”

Are you fucking serious? You’re a douchebag. You’re a complete and total douchebag. If you think that conquering a drug addiction was easier than some fucking reality show, then I question whether you’ve actually given it up.

Tim sends him up to clean his workspace. Then he tells the other designers that he’s “incredulous about the preposterous spewing of fiction” that Johnny engaged in on the runway.

Ha-ha, Johnny the addict. Tim Gunn just called you a liar on national television. Good luck living with that, you delicate flower, you.

Next time: See what this town is known for! Louise appears to be bleeding a lot! And then my DVR cut off the rest of the preview.

Top Chef: Vegas--Don't Basque, Don't Tell.

We saw Mattin’s drawers
But in the cowboy challenge
He showed us his ass.

What to say, poppets, what to say?

I mean, here’s the thing. After a Wednesday night of heavy TV watching, I find myself trapped between two emotions.

On the one hand, I’m freaking THRILLED that Victor Garber is playing Mr. Schuster’s dad on Glee. And on the other hand, I’m mystified that Victor Garber was on an episode of Glee and yet didn’t sing anything.

Oh, universe. Why must you be such a fucking tease?

Oh, but wait. We’re talking about Top Chef (Which, BTW, is a Shaft parody begging to be written. “You see, that Top Chef is one bad mother—[shut yo mouth!]. But I’m talkin’ Top Chef! [then we can dig it!]”).

And in that case, I really, really don’t know what to say. The episode was one of those challenges that was cute as a challenge, and interesting in that it showed us some talents (Laurine, Ashley) that had previously been hidden or, frankly, in the bottom. But as an episode – you know, the human drama, the interesting food and all—it was kind of negligible. Especially when you compare it to last week’s festival of Frenchness and innovation and Magical Mushroom Kingdoms.

And Mattin was pretty clearly road kill from the start. I mean, the most memorable things about him were that he wore a red neckerchief and ran around the pool in his red drawers.

Also, every time I thought of him, I couldn’t help thinking of this old Who’s Line is it, Anyway? sketch where Wayne Brady has to sing to a woman named Maureen in the style of Sisquo.

(Remember Sisquo? Yeah, me neither. Remember Wayne Brady? I do, but sometimes I think he was just a hallucination. And then I catch an episode of Don’t Forget the Lyrics, and I’m reminded that Wayne Brady is all too real)

Anyway, the song – and you should watch it– begins “Maureen, Maureen, Maureen.” So every time I saw Mattin or had to string together a sentence about him, I thought of it as starting “Mattin, Mattin, Mattin” to the same melody.

And that’s all I have to say about Mattin Nobila.

God, was Forrest Gump the worst movie ever made or what?

Ok. Enough rambling. On with the show!

Morning! Top Chef Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound! The chefs prepare to meet the day. Mike talks about how some of the chefs who are still there aren’t as talent as people who’ve left, and says the most talented remaining contestants are him, his brother, and Mike I. I’m sad that he leaves out Jen, since a) she’s CLEARLY at the top of the pack in anyone’s evaluation, and b) they were so freaking cute together last episode.

Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s take a look at how that poll broke down:

Yes, 39% of you want to have a genetically perfect threesome with Jen and Mike V. Living in Joel Robuchon’s Magical Mushroom Kingdom comes in second, with Daniel Bouloud’s Emerald City and Kevin and Eli’s Woodland Home tied at third. (EDIT: ok, so it was tied when I wrote that sentence last night, and I didn't bother to check when I took the screen cap this morning. Turns out Woodland Home just nudges out Emerald City)

Mattin reflects on how he should’ve done better in the French challenge since he’s. . .you know. . .French. Ashley misses her family and calls her older brother who had a baby last night. It’s surprisingly touching. Life lesson for Middle America: Lesbians have families too!

Anyway, as long as she stops bitching and being bland, she’s back in my graces. . . for now.

The chefs head out to the M resort, where Tim Love awaits them with Padma. This is the challenge where we got to vote on the ingredient during the finale: rattlesnake, cactus, or kangaroo. . .and 57% voted for cactus!

Thank you, America. That’s just what I told you to vote for. You done good.

Tim advises them to be careful. Their challenge is to make something succulent with the cactus in 45 minutes, and the winner gets $15,000. . .but no immunity.

Food flurry. Mike I talks about how you have to cure the cactus to take the “goo” out. Mattin freaks out about the sliminess and the needles. Laurine is making the cactus a component rather than the star of the dish, since she’s not used to working with it. Ash is making a sope, and is hoping to channel Hector. Ron says they don’t eat cactus in Haiti because the varieties they have there are poisonous.

Time! Laurine’s dish is a Cactus Salsa with Glazed Pork Chop. Yum. Tim thinks the achiote’s great. Kevin’s is a Pork Tenderloin with Cactus Marmalade that Love finds “slimy but good.” Mike has made a Red Cactus Coulis, Cactus and Cocunut Ceviche.

Ashley’s is Cactus Jelly Donuts with Orange Creme. (Interestingly, as of 6:30 this morning, Bravo is calling them “Cactus Kelly Donuts” in the caption. Apparently they’re not ready for this jelly) As someone who’s eaten her fair share of cactus candy, I think that going with a sweet dish was a good call! Mike I has made a Cactus and Tuna Ceviche.

Moving on, we have Ron’s Chipotle Swordfish and Mango Crab Salad with Cactus Sauce. Then Bryan has made a Halibut and Cactus Ceviche, Tempura Cactus. Ash’s is a Cactus Grilled Cheese. Love looks skeptical. Jennifer’s is a Warm Chorizo and Cactus Salad with Queso Fresco. Oh, nom. Mattin’s is a Red Cabbage Puree, Breaded Cactus Halibut with Tequila-Pickled Cactus. Love likes the tequila.

So we don’t see Eli’s or Robin’s.

Love says the least successful were Ash, who had no cactus flavor and sorry, dry, thick, tortillas. Mike’s felt like two trains coming together, and Ron’s fish was overcooked and his crab was rancid.

The top are Laurine, who had great flavors, Mike I, who was the only one to classically prepare the cactus, and Mattin’s, which showcased the cactus. And the winner is. . . Mike I. Bleah. Well, at least he doesn’t get immunity.

Mike V. says he’d rather be able to work with interesting flavors than take the slime out of a cactus. Dayum. Way to run down the guy you were including in the top bracket with you ten minutes ago.

Whatever. He’s still hot. Commercial.

I’m looking forward to seeing Kim fall out at the club on the next Real Housewives of Atlanta, and I’m not ashamed to admit that.

Back! The elimination challenge this week will be to prepare a high end lunch outdoors for 2 dozen cowboys. They can make any kind of dish they like, as long as it’s high end. God, that’s so nebulous—that’s almost as bad as Project Runway’s season full of “make me a pretty dress for ANY OCCASION” challenges. Anyway, Tim has set up their accommodations for that night on the ranch so they can get used to it. Tomorrow, they’ll have an hour and fifteen minutes to cook before everyone arrives.

Shopping! They have 30 minutes and $150. Ashley starts planning how to cook outside and buys a giant piece of halibut. Laurine feels good with this challenge because her catering background has made her a MacGyver when it comes to cooking.


Nice! She kind of looks like Amelia Earhart.

Mike is looking at packaged kelp, for some godawful reason, and buys some black cod. Jen hates not knowing what the conditions will be. As much as I love Jen to death and am rooting for her to win this thing, I do have to note that I find it kind of disturbing that her lower face never seems to move when she’s giving an interview.

Whatever. Even if it’s paralysis. . .it’s super hot paralysis. We’ll let it go.

They drive out to the desert. It makes me kind of homesick. They arrive at a bunch of tents and teepees. Mike says “I don’t wanna sleep in no teepee.” And someone behind him wonders if Padma will be sleeping in a teepee too. No, dumbass—wrong kind of Indian.

Mike says the campsite looks like a scene from a horror movie. The “kitchen” is a chuckwagon, a bunch of firepits in the ground and some cast iron skillets. Robin is psyched because she’s an outdoor girl, having grown up in Idaho. Similarly, Mattin has grown up camping in Basque country.

I’d like to point out that neither of these are anything like camping in the desert. Camping in the desert is fucking hot, and fucking arduous, and you have to turn your shoes upside down to keep the scorpions from getting into them. And then you get sand in your crotch, and the popular girls won’t let you sleep in their tent, and you’re stuck bunking with your sadistic troop leader and the girl with asthma and you’re up all night from the wheezing and it’s hot as balls out and you don’t even get your equestrienne badge, and it fucking sucks.

WHAT?

Ashley is unfazed by the outhouse because she grew up poor and her mom was sometimes on food stamps. Eli jokes that he’ll be sleeping in the Highlander. He says “I don’t camp; I don’t believe in camping; I think it’s asinine; I think we got electricity for a reason. This is my idea of a living hell.” He also worries that this will convince his girlfriend that he’s going to go camping with her.

Once again, I’m nominating Eli to be my partner in snark/voice of reason on the show for the rest of the season. We have the same thoughts on camping! So the girlfriend thing is a little awkward. . .but we can work around that.

Ron breaks off some sticks as a voodoo thing to keep snakes away from his and Ash’s tent. The Voltaggio brothers are camping together in a teepee of hotness. Bryan worries that his brother isn’t prepared for cooking out on a grill. Mike, however, thinks a great chef can adapt to any environment and produce under any conditions.

Nightfall. They sit around the campfire debating whether there are animals in the desert. In the first place, DUH, you fucking idiots.

In the second place, someone asks Ash if there are bears. And he replies “Bears? Bears are sweet!” Which is TOTALLY A REFERENCE TO STEPHEN SONDHEIM’S CLASSIC MUSICAL INTO THE WOODS.

I hereby declare Ash my new best gay. He is granted FULL access to the Magical Mushroom Kingdom. . . WITH threesome privileges reinstated. Anyone who whips out Sondheim at the drop of a hat is my kind of homosexual.

(Those of you who know me will debate whether there's any kind of homosexual who's not my kind of homosexual. And I will tell you: I don't care for the druggie club types or the hippies, but that's true of all people, regardless of orientation)

Everyone bunks down in their teepees. Commercial!

Back! They suit up in their chef coats, despite the fact that Eli says it’s “about 14 million degrees. Approximately the surface of Venus in terms of temperature and texture.”

10 a.m.! Food Flurry! With dirt! Mattin has decided to make a ceviche, since that won’t require cooking over the flame. Ron is also making a ceviche with coconuts, and starts asking for a sword. Ashley and Jen find this a little odd.

Forty three minutes. Mike philosophizes that you don’t cook for individual guests based on where they come from; you cook what you cook. Smart boy. Laurine notes that she’s the only one using the fire pit so far, and questions the choice of ceviche for ranch hands. Robin is making a grilled Romaine salad. Bryan is making pork loin with corn polenta and dandelion, and he’s concerned about maintaining heat on all the components.

Ashley notes that it has to be 110 degrees, and when you factor in the fact that your face is centimeters from a fire “it has to be about 8 million degrees.”

Seconds left to go! The chefs are still plating as the judges enter. . .followed closely by the cowboys with appropriate western-type music. Ashley calls them a motley crew in a voice full of skepticism (in as much as her voice has shown itself capable of expressing any nuance or emotion other than “shouty” and “emo”), and immediately loses the good will she’s earned from me throughout this episode.

Just a note: Real life cowboys are not the rugged clean shaven assholes you see in the Marlboro ads and in the movies; they are generally a mismatched, misshapen, crochety bunch of individuals. Most of them will be walking funny from permanent saddle legs and/or a lifetime’s worth of injuries, and yes, many of them have been growing their beards out forever. Because the alternative is a jaw with serious sunburn and an insane number of bug bites, and eventually severe skin cancer.

So call them motley if you will, my huffy little lesbian, but take that note out of your voice when you say it.

Ash thinks he could be a rancher, because he likes “walkin’ around and lookin’ at cows and lassoin’ things.” Yes, because that’s what ranchers do. Walk and look at cows and drop the gs of the ends of their words.

The judges start sampling the food. Mike I serves first with his Pork Gyro with Apple and Fennel Tzatziki. Then there’s Eli with his Tuna Sandwich with Sundried Tomato Mayonnaise and Radish Salad. And Laurine with her Sauteed Arctic Char with Tomatillo Salsa and Grilled Potato. Padma doesn’t think Mike doing a gyro is a stretch, and Tim finds it unexciting.

Gail finds Laurine’s flavorful, and Tom thinks the salsa is nice. Eli’s tuna sandwich could use more flavor, and the salad brings nothing to the plate.

Ash’s is a Grilled Chicken Paillard and Corn Succotash. There’s also a bourbon glaze and bacon involved in some way, which makes it sound much better than it apparently turns out. Mattin’s is a Ceviche Three Ways - Salmon with Apple, Spicy Tuna, Cod with Corn. Robin has served her Grilled Romaine Salad with Drunken Prawns and Spicy Chicken Sausage. That’s just a disastrous number of major components, it seems to me. Tim finds Mattin’s cod a little fishy, and Tom actually walks away from the table to pitch the piece of cod he had in his mouth. Good job, Tom – you keep your waste in a tree or away from the campsite so you don’t attract the coyotes.

Tim thinks Robin’s shrimp is “terrible” and tastes like chlorine. He loves Ash’s succotash, but Gail thinks you taste the bacon grease in the dish.

Next we have Bryan’s Roasted Pork Loin with Corn Polenta, Dandelion Greens, and Glazed Rutabega (nom). Jen’s Snapper with Duck Confit, Daikon and Carrot Salad. Ashley’s club sandwich inspired Seared Halibut with Acocado Mousse, Bacon, and Braised Romaine.

Tim thinks Bryan’s is very appropriate, and Gail would feel confident camping with him. In this, Gail fails to distinguish herself from any other red blooded heterosexual woman in the universe.

Gail loves Jen’s slaw, but Tim says nothing about it really jumped out. Tim likes the avocado on Ashley’s, and Gail says it’s the best thing she’s done so far.

In the next batch we get Ron’s Coconut-Lime tuna Ceviche and Haitian Mojito. Kevin’s Roasted Duck with Mole Tequila-Marinated Watermelon, and Mike’s Dashi with Miso Cured Black Cod. Tim thinks Ron’s is the best ceviche of the day, but the cocktail is terrible. Gail finds Mike’s dish very tasty, and loves the shitake flavors. Padma thinks Kevin’s is pretty, and Gail thinks the duck is beautifully cooked.

Everone heads back to civilization. Commercial!

Fake Back. The chefs are pitching horse shoes. I wish I could say more about that, but there was some prime fuckwittage with my DVR—it froze in the middle of the Glad commercial with the piano and I had to push several buttons to make things work again. Anyway, I didn’t see the whole scene.

Back! Stew room. Jen is exceptionally red for some reason, and everyone frets about the smell of the seafood and the effect the challenge had on their food. Padma calls back Laurine, Ashley, Michael, and Bryan.

Judges’ Table. Padma tells them that their dishes were the favorites. Ashley says it’s much better on this end than the other. Tom tells her this was her strongest dish to date. Gail was impressed with the focus of Bryan’s dish.

Tim liked the way Laurine used the grill, and says the simplicity made her dish shine. Tom enjoyed Mike’s a lot, and thought the flavors worked together well.

Tim Love announces that the winner is. . . .Bryan! Yay! Two in a row! He feels good that this is the third elimination challenge he’s won, and thinks his brother is upset about how he keeps getting beaten by him.

They return to the stew room, where Ashley asks Robin, Ron, and Mattin to go in. Padma says their dishes were the most disappointing.

Robin says she immediately thought of barbeque, but didn’t want to do a typical barbeque plate. Tim Love says she’s explaining a completely different dish than the one she served. Gail says the dish was straight out not good, and Tom says she doesn’t seem surprised to be here. She admits that she’s not.

Mattin, on the other hand, IS surprised to be there. Tim Love flat out says he felt sick from the cod. Yoinks.

On Ron’s they liked the ceviche, but thought the dish was too sweet and the drink was one of the worst things ever. Tom says if he hadn’t made the drink, he wouldn’t be here.

Padma sends them back. Well, that was the shortest question period EVER. Mattin’s gone. This is maybe the most broadly telegraphed out-ing in the history of Top Chef.

Deliberation. Gail points out that Ron’s main component was the “most edible,” but Tim knocks him on the drink and presentation.
Padma asks who had the worse dish between Mattin and Robin.

Tim says Robin’s was completely uncomposed and Gail points out that the shrimp had a strange flavor. Gail is shocked that Mattin is so clueless about what he did wrong, and Tom thinks he’s gone way outside his limits, especially since he claims he tasted the dish and thought it was good. Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them what the parameters of the challenge were, and why they’re all there. Ron’s ceviche was sweet and his drink sucked; Mattin’s food was not good; and Robin’s shrimp were really bad.

Padma tells Mattin to pack his knives and go, and wishes him good luck. Mattin admits that ceviche might not have been the best choice for cowboys, and says this won’t change how he cooks. He’s sad to leave and says it was an amazing experience.

Next time: Penn and Teller! Magic! Exploding pressure cookers! Jen is disappointed. Toby is back! Bulls’ testicles!