Project Runway: Deja Vu All Over Again

Logan’s silver jeans
Could not save him forever
Zipper Explosion.

I have but a few thoughts on this episode, loves:

1) Althea: just because you don’t have any boobs doesn’t mean you should abuse your model’s like that
2) Heidi: who the fuck do you think you are, and how does someone who dresses with the aid of a seeing eye dog get a job judging a fashion competition?
3) The worst thing about this LA season is the parade of useless actresses with nothing to say but “I’d wear that” they’ve brought in to keep the guest judge chair warm.
4) Christopher: you’re still here?
5) How long before Gordana snaps and launches herself off the runway and stabs Heidi because she can’t take the criticism anymore?
6) Irina may be “Meana,” but at least she’s got the chops to back it up. Unlikd some equally bitchy designers. (cough*Althea*cough)
7) Carol Hannah is awesome.

You’ll notice I have no thoughts about Logan. Logan never inspired very many thoughts in me. I know he was the official “hottie” for the season, but he was just so bland in every way. Maybe he was good looking. . .in the same way tapioca is a good dessert. If you’re ninety, and can’t take anything with any bite or flavor.

Also, I’m cat sitting this weekend, so since I’m currently in my suburban exile, I ended up watching the show alone. So you can expect a lot fewer interruptions than usual. . .and a lot less drunkiness. The espots I woke up with on Monday were, of course, an allergic reaction, and the medication I’ve been on since has the drowsy eye alcohol warning, not the winking eye alcohol suggestion.

So I haven’t had a drink all week. I’ve had 60 mg a day of steroids that make me want to go HULK SMASH!!!, but I haven’t had even so much as a sip of Eucharistic wine otherwise. So if this is more angry and less funny, or more coherent and less “blah, I don’t know—I can’t read my handwriting because I was drunk” than usual, then those are the factors to blame/credit for that.

Morning rises over Los Angeles, California. In the Project Runway Apartments, Christopher and Logan reflect on how there are six of them left, but only two boys. Christopher thinks he has to get the judges to “get it,” and worries about how his work has been all over the place.
In the girls’ apartment, the girls reflect on how it’s nice to have so many women left when fashion is so male dominated. Althea feels that she, Irina, and Carol Hannah are the best designers left. Gordana says that at this point they need to show their imagination. Carol Hannah says she needs to show that she can do more than dresses.

Runway! The designers, for some reason, have their backs to the runway. They hear rustling as Heidi emerges, and Christopher describes it as “one of the most horrifying moments.” I get nervous when I hear Heidi rustling up behind me too. They turn, and their winning looks are on stage. Carol Hannah hopes they don’t have to cut them up.

The challenge is to create a companion piece that compliments and enhances their best look. Logan hates that his is the only one that’s not a “winning” look, but he’s happy with the dress the judges chose—his red carpet dress from the first challenge.

Irina thinks this challenge will point out where the real talent is and who the lucky wins were.

At the Fashion Institute, Tim greets them and says they have 30 minutes to sketch before heading to Mood with $100. Naturally, they only have until midnight to complete the look. Because god forbid they ever give them more than a day during this season – we wouldn’t want them to have enough time to actually develop a look.

Sketching! Althea is going to take the waist from her whore suit skirt and put it on pants. I hope she also changes that saggy tit tank top she made, because that was the worst.

Irina says this challenge reflects how you build a collection. Gordana is imagining a blazer, top, and pants to go with her divorcee look. Christopher plans on making his short dress into a gown version with a different spin on it.

Mood! They have $100 and 30 minutes to shop. Fabric flurry! Logan’s idea is to work with the zipper concepts from his previous design. He buys 40 zippers. Christopher starts out trying to find the same satin he used for the first look, but then changes to a silver version.

Irina changes her design at the last minute after finding a beautiful dress fabric. Carol Hannah is determined to avoid the feathers and sequins from the previous winning look. She tells Tim about her pants plan, but he warns her that she may not be able to take risks and succeed out of her comfort zone. Time! Thank you Mood!

Workroom! Carol Hannah reflects on how her concept is still developing and she has too many ideas. Then she gets coffee. Irina is working with the pattern of the fabric to place it in a way that’s flattering to a woman’s body. She wants this look to be clean and polished. Althea works on getting her pants done first because they’re the most tailored part of the look. Logan nostalgically says “they look like Malvin’s pants.” Aw, Malvin. You and your egg look. So kooky, and one of the few things that made this season slightly interesting. We miss you.

Gordana reflects that there’s more tension now that they’re so close to the top three, and no one wants to go home. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Commercial!

Back! 8 hours until the end of the day. Christopher reflects on how now more than ever, the pressure’s on because “one of us is going home.” Duh.

Logan thinks his chances of going to Bryant Park are good. Logan has not seen the show, has he? Gordana reflects on how she grew up in Bosnia as a Bosnian Serb and her parents are farmers. We see a picture of tiny Gordana. Aw.

Carol Hannah worries that her look is in “that weird stage right before you fully commit to what you’re doing.” Christopher thinks that the judges will see his true personality when his gown walks down the runway. Logan reflects that Christopher has 30 yards of lining, and that while he often does these voluminous pieces, he does them in really cheap fabric.

Tim thru! Carol Hannah feels like hers is “a big scary mess,” and Tim responds “you’re not going to get a lot of argument from me.” He helps her layer some fabrics and she has a breakthrough. Aw.

Irina explains her huge sweater/tiny dress concept, and Tim says it’s completely unexpected. . .but in a good way. He does ask about the need for the cardigan.

He tells Christopher that his new dress looks like the original dress’s mother, and he needs to think about the positioning of his appliqués.
Althea tells Tim she’s looking forward to her model fitting. Tim is concerned about the difference in volume between the bottom and the baggy waist “because right now, it looks like it’s waiting for a diaper.”

He looks at Logan. . .or at Logan’s outfit. . .and tells him “I’m excited already.” Logan explains his zipper collar concept. Althea says it’s the same collar she did on the Christina Aguilera challenge. She’s annoyed. Tim tells Logan it’s definitely in the wow category.

Gordana describes her inspiration as “a little bit rock and roll, a little bit industrial.” Ah, yes, the lesser known Osmonds’ song, “I’m a little bit Industrial, I’m a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.” Tim tells her to stand by the force.

( I don’t know what that means. I left it at “stand by the force” assuming I could fill in the details later, but I can’t remember what she was supposed to stand by the force of. Like THE force? Like Star Wars?)

In a side room, Althea and Irina messily eat sandwiches and Althea bitches about Logan stealing her collar. Althea says “I’m really bitter right now,” and you can tell it’s true because she looks 95 instead of her usual 75. Here’s to you, Miss Havisham.

4.5 hours left! Tim tells them to use their time exceedingly well, and sends in their models. The models arrive. Irina says of Christopher’s dress “what are you gonna say about it, except why is one dress throwing up the other.”

Althea then bitches to her model about how Logan is stealing her jacket idea. So now she’s talked about it to everyone except Logan. That’s pretty immature for someone so damn old looking.

Christopher is worried about sewing on all the petals because the first time it took him 8 hours. Irina thinks a lot of the others should be worried. They head home. Commercial!

Back! In the designers‘ apartments, Logan talks about how much pressure there is with just six of them. Carol Hannah reflects on how much she has to do before the show. Gordana says she just wants to “tveak” her look.

Workroom! Christopher still has about 100 petals to put on his dress, plus he wants to add a neck piece. Carol Hannah and the boys sew furiously and tease each other. They’re the only fun ones left—Gordana just seems broken, and Althea and Irina are bitches.

Althea is running out of time to completely hand sew her sweater. Gordana is looking for a hook and eye, and Irina refuses to give her one. Logan says “Irina has been nicknamed ‘Meana Irina’
for a reason,” and wishes the judges would come down on her.

Tim sends in their models for an hour of blah blah blah product placement.

Tanisha talks about how cute Carol Hannah’s dress is, and Althea gets annoyed because she keeps doing dresses and wants her to be labeled a one trick pony. Ok, Miss saggy tits tank with a short skirt. Lets talk about one trick, and how people who can’t fit boobs to save their lives in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Ten minutes! Gordana says she likes this challenge. Logan thinks she’s taking the challenge too literally and says Gordana’s dress reminds him of his grandma’s couch, except his grandma has better taste. Dayum.

Althea reflects on how she’s not going to say anything about Logan copying her collar, and Irina points out in an interview that the whole time Althea's been whining about Logan stealing her collar, she’s been copying the big sweater from Irina’s Aspen look. “I’m like are you insane or are you blind?” Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi greets them wearing an absolutely tragic outfit— I am simultaneously heartbroken and unsurprised that Lifetime didn't post any full body pictures of it, because it's the worst thing ever, and completely undermines whatever "credentials" she had to be a judge in a fashion/taste competition. It's a pair of silver Bermudas, some sort of explosive pepto colored top, and a black velvet cropped blazer. And this is the woman we have judging a fashion competition? This is the arbiter of taste? What a fucking joke. She shouldn’t be allowed out of the house looking like that, and yet she’s going to make stupid jokey comments about actual designers work? Jesus.

Anyway, he judges are Nick Verreos! Yay, Uncle Nick! And there’s Nina, and there’s Kerry Washington, who contributes pretty much less than nothing to the proceedings.

Runway! Carol Hannah’s is a cuteish little black dress, a vamped down, casual version of her Mackie look. Althea’s is another saggy tit tank, but with a cape sweater and some tragic Malvin pants. Logan’s is a puffy skirt with kind of a rocker chick vest on top.

Irina’s is a big brown sweater jacket with fur cuffs over a brown batiked cocktail dress. It’s cute. Gordana’s is very basic; a grey fun blazer over a black skirt or dress. Christophers is. . .very flamenco. The detailing is kind of fun, but it’s so what he’s done every time.

All the models come out. Christopher explains how he pulled the textural elements out of the first dress. Nina thinks the proportions don’t work because it’s so bottom heavy she looks like a carnival float. Nick thinks it needs editing. Heidi thinks the top is good, but not the bottom, and Kerry Washington says it looks like two gowns.

Irina says her look is an evening look with the spirit of her Aspen look. Nick thinks it’s “uptown chic” like she’s “a former Russian model who married a millionaire.” Kerry Washington thinks it’s both elegant and cozy. Nina thinks the coat and the shape are brilliant, but she doesn’t like the tight brocade dress underneath; she thinks it looks cheap. Heidi likes it, but then look at what Heidi’s wearing. Do we really want to take her judgment seriously?

Gordana tried to take the edginess of the original and make it elegant. Heidi doesn’t think “this is fun, fashionable, beautiful at all,” and that she’s made Matar look old and drab. Kerry Washington thinks it’s passive. Nina thinks the jacket is dated, and Nick says it looks like an office worker in Warsaw.

Carol Hannah explains how she wanted to play off the texture of the previous look. Kerry Washington thinks the simplicity is delicious, and Nick compares it to Ava Gardner. I love Nick. Kerry Washington loves the pockets.

Logan says this is the “pow-wow” piece from the same collection as his first dress. Except he means “Pow! Wow!” like Batman, and not Pow-Wow, like Native Americans. He just says it all in such a monotone that it’s hard to tell. Nina thinks it looks like a fashion project from a student. Nick says it looks ‘80’s and Judy Jetson.

Althea explains her look, and Heidi says she wants it. Yes, but. . .again, lets look at what Heidi’s wearing, and decide if we’re shocked that she wants to wear some insane jodphurs and a top that makes her tits look like they’re hitting her knees. Kerry Washington thinks the sweater is gorgeous. Heidi asks who had the first idea for the sweater between Irina and Althea. Irina says there’s been some resemblance of things in the workroom, and Nick says that’s inevitable to a degree. Althea keeps sputtering about how it was in her original sketch. Yes, doll, but it was in Irina’s original sketch last week. Just like that collar you kept bitching about may’ve been in Logan’s original sketch this week, but your complaint is that it was in your look prior to that.

In other words? Pot? This is kettle. You’re black. Oh, and really, really old looking.

Deliberation. Heidi thinks people could wear everything Irina designs. Nick says it’s the perfect outfit for arm candy, and Nina says everything she does looks luxe.

They think Althea’s construction was good (are they not seeing that goddamn top??? What does this woman have against boobs?). Nina says the model felt good in it. Yes, because suddenly that’s a criteria.

Carol Hannah’s dress was beautiful and sweet. Kerry Washington thinks she kept it young and sweet, and they all rave about the pockets.

In the bottom group, Logan’s was “space odyssey 2001” according to Nick, and Heidi compares it to an 80’s music video background singer. Kerry Washington compares it to a lizard who has the neck ruff that puffs out when it gets angry. Ha! Ok, so maybe she contributed something

Gordana’s was neither edgy nor elegant. Heidi says it was "the saddest thing". Heidi clearly hasn’t been around any mirrors today, and so has escaped noticing her own tragic clown couture. Because that shit is just screaming Ridi, Pagliaccio, if ever I’ve seen it.

Moving onto Christopher, Kerry Washington wanted to like it, and Heidi says mockingly that “he worked really hard on making 2000 petals.” Heidi is such a fucking bitch this season. I want something to happen to her like happened to Carrie on Days, when someone threw acid in her face and ruined her teen modeling career. Remember that?

Commercial! I get a text from one of the gays: “Snaggletooth Oldface has a camel toe.” “And a bad attitude,” I reply. Seriously, I found myself wondering during this episode why they’d given Irina the bitch edit when Althea clearly spread her share of stank around the room as well.

Oh my god, that mean stylist judge is going to have her own show? Worst idea ever.

Back! One of you will be the winner. . .and one of you. . . will be AUWT. Carol Hannah is in. Althea. . .is the winner. Irina looks pissed. Snaggletooth scrunches up her nose like she thinks she’s cute and offers to make one for each of them.

Then she says how it’s unfair to accuse someone on the runway in front of judges, and how that’s not an issue of stress, it’s an issue of character. Yes, because bitching about someone behind their back for a full day without having the balls to talk to them about it is a great sign of character. Ugh, how many more weeks do I have to waste mental energy on this dreadful hag?

Irina is in. Christopher is in. Wow. That’s a shocker.

So it’s down to Logan and Gordana. One of them will be Auwt. Gordana’s suit had nothing to do with her previous look, and was sad, drab and dated. Logan’s look was too tricked out, and looked like a bunch of zippers exploded on his dress.

At this point, I almost want them to send Gordana home, because it would be a mercy killing preferable to watching Heidi abuse her on the runway for another week. But Gordana. . . .is in.

That means Logan is out. He’s surprised that he’s going home for taking a risk and showing innovation. He says he’s not a designer for middle America or 90% of the population. Tim hugs him and says he’s a great designer. Logan is looking forward to the future and the opportunities he knows will come his way.

Next! Fashion week is at your finger tips! Last challenge! Althea is like King Kong! It’s looking a lot like roadkill! Christopher, what? Not so great from the back! Are you confident in this. . .as your final. Challenge. Look?

Top Chef Vegas: She don't eat meat, but she sure likes the bone

Leeks are not proteins
No matter how you slice it
It is what it is.

So lets look at the good news/bad news take on Mike I’s ouster. In the bad news category: it means another week of Robin. If you’ll look to the left, you’ll notice that Robin is handily winning the “doesn’t deserve to be here” poll.

On the good news side: no more Mike I! Whee! Though they’d kind of backed off of the “fucking sexist douche” emphasis in his edit in the last few weeks – mostly by cutting back on his interview time in a big way – he still came across as a jackass every time he opened his mouth.

And it was infuriating to me – and, apparently, to the judges as well – to see someone who’s given such consistently middle of the pack performances acting so cocksure. It’s like he actually believed he was Teflon, and there was no way they’d send him home for his undercooked leeks and mediocre carrot mash.

So thank you, Mike I. Your douchey attitude is probably one of the things that saved Jen this week. Soon I will come to your restaurant for the sole purpose of mocking you (and drinking cocktails).

Morning! Top Chef, Vegas luxury cheftestant compound. Michael sharpens a knife and Jen reflects on how embarrassed she is about losing Restaurant Wars. Robin, however, is happy with how it worked out, and thinks she’s holding her own.

They head for the M resort for the quickfire, where Padma awaits them with Paul Bartolotta. Padma says that this round is about “the takeover”—they’re taking a classic TV dinner and remaking it. Hm, that sounds more like a makeover than a takeover if you ask me. They draw knives for one of seven classic shows to be inspired by—Sesame Street, The Flinstones, Gilligan’s Island, MASH, Cheers, Seinfeld, and The Sopranos. They have 60 minutes.

Food flurry! Robin says she was never allowed to watch TV, so she’s never seen a whole episode of Sesame Street. She plans on basing her meal on Cookies and eggs for Cookie Monster and Big Bird. Clearly she’s never seen Sesame Street—if she had, she’d know that Big Bird is a boy, and cannot lay eggs.

Michael is doing a spin on bar food for Cheers. Jen wanted to do something with a bone in it for Flinstones, but ends up doing a chicken roulade. She says she relates most to Pebbles, because Bam-Bam is kind of cute. “I don’t like that he carries a club and pulls her by the hair, but. . .could be kinda fun.”

Bryan is making homestyle American food to reflect what the troops would’ve missed during MASH. Kevin is pulling his own family’s ties through food to the importance of family in the Sopranos. Time!

Padma and Paul Bartolotta sit on a retro looking couch in front of an old TV and eat. They start with Jennifer’s Flinstones Chicken Voulade with Garlic Cream, Pea Salad, Caramelized Peaches. Voulade? VOULADE??? To quote The Google, Bravo – did you mean roulade?

Then Mike I presents them a Seinfeld inspired Sausage and Peppers, Mushrooms and Cheese, Warm Fruit Salad, and admits he’s never seen Seinfeld. Clearly not, since if he had he would’ve made soup, or kasha, or a big salad, or a black and white cookie, or Cornish Game Hens (because the rooster has sex with all of them). Kevin’s Sopranos Meatballs with Polenta, Roasted Cauliflower, and Roasted Pear gets praised by Padma for the cauliflower.

Eli brings out his Gilligan’s Island inspired Macadamia Nut Shrimp with Sweet Potato Puree, Herb Salad, Cherries and Bananas. It’s followed by Michael’s Chicken Parmesan with Braised Swiss Chard and Cherry Pie for Cheers. Then Robin gives them her Sesame Street Burger with Egg, Crispy Kale, Carrot Salad and Almond Laced Cookie. And finally, Bryan presents his MASH inspired Meatloaf, Mashed Potato, Asparagus and Apple Tarte Tatin. They really like it.

Bartolotta says that Jennifer’s “eh” pea salad and off the mark roulade and Robin’s dry burger are “up for cancellation.” But Kevin’s consistently conceptual dish and Bryan’s beautiful meatloaf, have “a chance for syndication”. And the winner is. . .Kevin! Yay! A version of his winning dish will be featured in the new line of Top Chef Frozen dinners from Schwan’s .

WHAT?? Top Chef Frozen dinners? Are you freaking kidding me? What is this bullshit? Is that a shark I see? Is the merciless pursuit of branding opportunities about to force this once great series to jump it?

Anyway. Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be taking over Tom’s restaurant craftsteak at the MGM Grand. See, that’s a takeover, Padma. Tom’s menu will be theirs, and they’ll be responsible for feeding four judges and seven guests. Robin worries because she doesn’t eat a lot of steak.

Commercial!

Back! At the compound, Robin tells Jen they should “let a boy go home today.” Kevin and the boys talk about what they’re going to do with their meat. Heh heh heh. They head out to craftsteak.

On arrival, they all start going through the meat and celebrating how beautiful it all looks. It’s like Christmas! Meaty Christmas! Oh, look, little Sally! Santa has brought this fine lamb chop for you! And for your brother Billy, this nice piece of Waygu! And for Mommy, this pretty snappy lobster! Meat makes everyone sooooooo happy! Ho-ho-ho! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeaty Christmas!

And then Tom walks in and welcomes them, and tells them they have a special guest in town. . . Natalie Portman!

Eli informs us that “Natalie Portman is an actress whose really only important thing she ever did was in Star Wars which is the most important thing you can ever do.” Fly that geek flag, Eli. Fly it high.

Tom informs them that Natalie’s a huge foodie, and Natalie tells them about her likes and dislikes. . .and that she’s a vegetarian.

Jen thinks “Oh. . . shit.” Kevin worries about making vegetarian food in a steakhouse. Robin says she loves to cater to vegetarians, and thinks she’ll shine in this challenge.

Back to the walk ins! They start going through the vegetables and calling out what they’re going to use. Eli and Jen flip for Eggplant, and Jen loses and gets stuck with the baby eggplants. Mike I plans on doing “Leek Scallops,” because they’ll look like scallops. “Look like scallops, taste like shit,” Kevin teases.

Kevin explains that he and his wife go vegetarian for Lent. I love him so much more now. He’s an earnest little tree dweller, with convictions.

Robin is overwhelmed by the produce walk-in, and can’t focus.

Eli worries that he’s been sitting in the middle for this competition, and hopes this challenge will help him break out. Michael is doing different textures of asparagus, and trying to come up with something involving banana and polenta

Mike I has a problem with his water not boiling, and gets behind. Jen interviews that she’s never been a vegetarian, and she never, ever will be. She’s still unhappy that she didn’t get the good eggplants. Bryan worries about time.

Mike I only has a couple of minutes to plate, and his leeks aren’t completely done. He tries to plate it so that they have to eat all the components together to improve the flavor. Robin is scrambling and losing time, and hasn’t had her garbanzo beans on the plate. She wonders why she tried something new when she’s great with vegetarian dishes. Time dings, and she doesn’t finish three plates.

Commercial!

Back! The judges and Natalie Portman and some friends toast each other, and the servers bring out Robin’s Stuffed Squash Blossom, Beet Carpaccio, Fresh Garbanzo Beans and Chermoula. Oh, that sounds like a world of BURF to me, but then I have that whole beet thing going on.

Padma says she can feel her ankles swelling from the salt in the dish. Natalie says she’s never had fresh garbanzo beans before, and Tom doesn’t have any beans. The judges agree that there’s a salt/seasoning issue, but Natalie thinks it looks beautiful.

The next dish the servers bring out is Eli’s Confit of Eggplant, Lentils, Garlic Puree and Radish Salad. My first response to it is “it looks like a Mushroom Kingdom!!!” but that’s actually my first response to about half the dishes this evening. Anything that involves vegetables standing upright just screams Mushroom Kingdom to me.

Gail loves the texture of the eggplant, and Natalie likes the salad a lot. Paul finds aspects of the dish polarizing.

Michael wants Natalie to walk way from his dish saying “I don’t know why I liked that, but I just did.” His course is a Asparagus Salad, Japanese Tomato Sashimi and Banana Polenta.

Natalie really likes the banana polenta, and Gail likes the fact that he’s turning them upside down a little, but hates the big chunks of banana. One of the Natalie friends compares Michael to Picasso, and Natalie says it makes her “smile and laugh, and confused.” Which is pretty much what he was looking for. Smile, laugh, and confused = I don’t know why I liked that, but I just did. So. . .good on you, Michael.

Jen worries about her plate being smaller than the other plates that have gone out. Her dish is a Charred Baby Eggplant, Braised Fennel, Tomatoes and Verjus Nage. She nervously sauces everyone’s plates with her shaky hands.

Everyone whispers about how nervous she was, but Gail thinks everything tastes beautifully. She does think it feels less substantial than a main course, and Natalie says that’s often a problem with vegetarian dishes. The boy Natalie friend says it would be a “beautiful side dish. If there was an entrée sitting next to it. A steak, preferably.” Aw, I like Natalie’s gay.

The next dish out is Mike I’s Whole Roasted Leeks with Onion Jus, Baby Carrot Puree, and Fingerling Potato. Tom says his leeks are too rare. One of the Natalie friends likes the colors. Natalie wanted to like it more, and Gail thinks there was “a good idea in there, somewhere,” but that the execution was off.

Bryan doesn’t quite finish the plating, and worries that he could be on the bottom. His course is a Artichoke Barigoule, Confit of Shallot, Wild Asparagus and Fennel Puree. It’s like 3 leaves on a plate—if Jen’s was a side, this is an amuse.

Padma compares the garlic to “a little prick on the tip of my tongue,” and she and all the Natalie friends giggle, because they’re twelve. Then she says it’s big in her mouth, and Tom jokes “so it went from a little prick to big in your mouth?” and one of the Natalie friends says ‘”that’s what usually happens.”

RAUNCHY judges! They’re probably plowed off all the wine after not having any meat or anything to soak it up.

Kevin worries that his dish is sloppier than he wanted it to be, and instructs the servers that “the brown streak sits in the front.” Mm, that sounds appetizing. His dish is a Duo of Mushrooms, Smoked Kale, Candied Garlic and Turnip Puree.

Paul says it feels more like an entrée. Gail says it was meaty, but something was off with the kale, and Tom says it proves that vegetables don’t have to be light all the time.

Back in the kitchens, the chefs pack up. Mike I is really stressed, but not concerned, because he knows he’s going to pull through “I always do.” That's your death knell, right there folks. Jen, on the other hand, thinks she has a very high chance of going home. Commercial!

Fake back! The chefs are invited to eat at Paul Bartolotta’s restaurant at the Wynn, and Kevin tells them he once ate 130 chicken wings in an hour. “I didn’t get fat accidentally. This was a personal choice.”

Back! In the stew room, the chefs are busting out the wine. Padma calls back Kevin, Michael, and Eli. Kevin jokes that “Eli’s gonna get out there and be like ‘you guys call my name on accident?’”

Padma tells them they had their favorite dishes.

Tom tells Michael that he didn’t expect that bananas and polenta to work, but he found it to be fun and successful. Natalie liked the humor in the dish and wonders “who is his dealer, and does he want new clients?”

Gail tells Eli she found his dish beautiful, and Tom says that it was an interesting, fun dish to eat.

Natalie raves about Kevin’s kale and says it was “really, really wonderful.” Tom assures him they didn’t miss the meat at all.

Natalie says that the winner is. . . Kevin! Yay! Yay for my earnest little tree dweller!!! He’s proud that he won this challenge because it shows that he knows how to cook with vegetables, since they already know he can cook with meat. Padma tells him that he’s won a suite of GE appliances “just like the ones you’ve been using in the Top Chef kitchen.” Kevin’s response to this is appropriate given the reputation of the GE appliances for craptasticness—he giggles a little and says “ok,” in a bemused voice.

Michael is pissed that Kevin won “for a dish that I could’ve made in the second year of my apprenticeship.” They return to the stew room, where Eli calls back Robin, Jennifer, and Mike I.

Padma tells them they had the least favorite dishes. Starting with Mike, Natalie wonders why there wasn’t a protein. Mike explains that his idea was to serve the leaks “as a protein,” and Gail asks “you know that leeks aren’t protein, right?” Tom says the carrots were ok, but they couldn’t get past the raw leeks. Padma expected him to really ace this. Mike acts very nonchalant, and says "whatever, whatever" a couple of times. The judges are visibly annoyed.

Robin says that she definitely wanted to give them a protein, and she got excited by the fresh garbanzo. And then she talks a whole lot. Like.. ..a whole lot. Tom says “you’re referencing very different things, and you’re all over the map here.” He says the dish never came together, and Tom points out that two of them never got beans.

Padma tells Jennifer she didn’t see two hours on her plate. Tom says it felt like she was putting together a garnish, and Padma teases her that some of them were wearing the sauce. Tom points out that her performance is starting to suffer. She says if she has another day, she hopes she can prove she deserves to be there “if not, thank you for the chance.”

They go back to the stew. Mike continues to act nonchalant and say “whatever whatever,” and “it is what it is.” Ugh. What a tool.

Tom says he liked that this challenge threw them off their game. Padma can’t believe that Jennifer didn’t say “this isn’t going to be enough for twelve people,” and Natalie remarks that she’s super defeatist. Tom thinks she’s falling apart psychologically.

Gail says that Mike’s dish had several issues beyond the very poorly cooked leeks. She also says that he exuded arrogance, like “I didn’t do well tonight, but I’m not going to go home for it.” Natalie and Tom point out that the rest of the dish wasn’t great either.

Padma says there was a complete lack of idea in Robin’s dish, and Natalie agrees that it was a bad plan to do two things for the first time.

Commercial! Back! The chefs file back in to the judges’ table. Tom tells them that tonight’s challenge threw them a giant curveball, and that chefs are judged by how well they handle requests. He doesn’t know why Mike couldn’t cook leeks in two hours. Robin gave them a plate that was pretty, but unbalanced. Jen has really fallen apart in the last couple of challenges

Padma tells Mike to pack his knives and go. He’s upset that he was eliminated, and feels like he should’ve done a lot better than everyone else in this challenge because it’s his background. He goes out on a typically totally classy note by talking about how Robin is so much worse than he is, and how she should’ve been gone long ago.

Ah, Mike I. Remember, mortal, that you are douche, and unto douche you shall return.

Robin reflects that now it’ll be less backstabby and ugly in the house with Mike I gone.

Next time! Padma calls them from her bed! Michael pisses Robin off! Padma does some sort of exaggerated chewing action.

Fearless and Fairly Impish: World Series

I've decided that I can either look at this as a no win or a no lose situation.

On the one hand, despite my single day lapse last summer, I hate the Yankees. In a big way. In fact, I've often declared loudly that they do not get to win another World Series in my lifetime.

Now, that's a gamble considering how long people in my family are inclined to live (what do you buy for a 95th birthday present, anyway?). And I'd hate to be wrong about a bold prediction like that.

And to top that off, I hate when I find myself rooting for the American League Team generally. The Designated Hitter rule is an abomination against God, and I only root for the American League team when the other choice is absolutely unpalatable (cf: 2002, 2005, 2007, 2008).

On the other hand, I've come to hate the Phillies as well. And yes, it's largely to do with their fans. And yes, you can tell me that laser pointer guy was one guy at one game, but GOOD fans, fans who cared about baseball and/or fairness, would've turned the jackass in as the delay in game while security tried to find him stretched past the ten minute mark.

Your fans? Booed your own stadium's security.

And you can say all you like about two million people turning out for a parade last year without a single incident of violence. But you can't judge a fandom solely on when teams are doing well. Yeah, you managed to turn out a lot of well behaved fair weather bandwagoners. Well done.

In 2003, when I visited your fair city, you turned out a 3/4 empty stadium on the verge of demolition to watch a team that was squeaking toward third in their division with an 86-76 record. And those people spent the entire time hurling insults --and lame insults at that (if you're going to heckle, heckle, but please explain to me how "hey Edmonds! Loan me $50?" is a heckle)-- "accidentally" spilling beers on me (if you're going to throw shit, be like the Mets fans and throw shit openly, don't be fucking passive aggressive about it and say "OOPS!" afterwards) and spitting chaw.

And then there's also the fact that I just can't get over a team with 120+ years of history and 2 rings. That's pathetic. That's like Cubs level pathetic, and at least they have a pretend curse involving bringing a goat to the stadium to blame things on.

So that's the no win portion of things.

The no lose?

I have been wrong about the Phillies in every single round of the postseason for the last two years.

If I root for them, and they win:
a) I break that streak
b) The Yankees lose.


If I root for them, and they lose:
a) The Phillies lose
b) I have singlehandedly caused that to happen.

Hmmmm. . . .

Jordan says: Phillies in 6
FOX says: Yankees in 6
WaPo says: Yankees in 7

(also, don't forget that this final round yields 8 points for the correct team and 4 for the correct number of games, so despite Beefy Muchacho's commanding lead, some of you are still in this thing if you're right and he's wrong. Not me. But some of you).

Deja Vu All Over Again. . .

. . . is the theme of the last 24 hours for yours truly.

So first, I was watching Snapped last night as I drifted off to sleep, and I realized that the lead defense attorney representing the husband who shot his wife's teenaged lover was the same attorney I'd seen in an earlier Snapped representing a mother who shot her teenaged daughter's rapist.

And both of his clients pretty much got off! The mom got four years for voluntary manslaughter after shooting the rapist several times, reloading, and shooting him again as he was trying to crawl away. And the husband got reckless homicide, served 71 days of a 90 day sentence, and ended up with custody of both their kids.

So you had best believe: if I ever kill someone in Knoxville, I am damn well calling Bruce Poston and his impressive combover for all my legal needs.

Then I woke up this morning, scratched my left arm, and realized that that arm and my belly are covered in bumpy pink espots.

And I thought "Dammit, syphilis! It's not even Halloween yet!"

So I'll be toddling off to the doctor's this morning to see if we can sort out the cause of said espots. It's probably meningitis.

But in between those things, something happened that used to happen fairly often, but hasn't happened at all for the last six years: the New York Yankees advanced to the World Series.

The only people who picked the Angels were mighty momogus and alot, alot. Everyone else picked the Yankees, and three lucky souls called the exact number of games: Beefy Muchacho, JES, and myself.

So heading into the World Series, the standings are as follows:

Beefy Muchacho = 22
cs = 14
FOX = 14
mighty momogus = 13
WaPo = 13
Tyler = 11
JES = 10
jordanbaker = 10
alot, alot = 5
Lisa =4

Project Runway: Nico-Loss.

Nicolas is AUWT
And all anyone can say is
It’s about damn time.

This is normally where I’d say something about how crappy and/or merited the results were (they were merited) or apologize in advance for the sparseness of my notes (they’re sparse) and/or the general feeling of drunkiness that pervades them (it’s pervasive).

But here’s the thing: last night, I made a fondue.

Inside a pumpkin.

And I’m so much more impressed by that than I am any of the more or less generic and predictable outfits that the designers churned out for the completely unchallenging “make a pretty outfit inspired by a place that inspired by Michael Kors” challenge that I really don’t have much else to say.

I will mention that I saw an ad for this episode that implied something would happen in the course of this to turn friend against friend, with dramatic drum accented camera pauses on Carol Hannah and Logan. And either that never actually happened, or I completely missed it. And you’d think in an episode where absolutely nothing happened, you’d notice if friend turned against friend. So fill me in if you have any information about that, please.

For the rest, yes, Nicolas deserved to go. But after so many consecutive weeks in the bottom, I can’t help but feel that Christopher and Logan must have some pretty potent blackmail on the producers to still be around.

Anyway.

Morning. Apartments. Carol Hannah talks about it being weird that Shirin is gone. Christopher feels like he’s the underdog of the top 7. Other designers say other very boring things, as they do at the beginning of every single episode.

They head to the runway, which, now that they’re not doing the model draw as part of this show anymore, seems like an incredibly pointless waste of time. Heidi gives them her usual dose of meaningless jibber-jabber about their next challenge, and they head off to meet Tim Gunn.

He awaits them at Michael Kors’ shop, with Michael Kors, and tells them that Michael Kors’ designs “personify quality, taste and style.”

I want to stand next to Tim Gunn and listen to him compliment me. It must be a simultaneously restful and empowering way to start your day.

Michael tells them that his collections are inspired by great locations. In this challenge, they’ll be creating a look inspired by a famous location. Specifically, a famous location that has inspired Michael Kors.

I find this kind of useless. Wouldn’t it tell us more about the designers at this point in the challenge if we saw something inspired by a location that inspired them?

Anyway, they drive back to the workroom. I swear, the reason all the challenges this season are one day challenges is because they spend so much time driving to meaningless location shoots to hear about their challenges. “Sorry, designers, you were going to have two days for this challenge, but since we spent three hours driving to the beach for two and a half minutes worth of footage, you now have forty minutes. Make it work!”

The designers choose their Kors locations. Carol Hannah picks Palm Beach; Nicholas chooses Greece; Althea chooses San Tropez because she can use that as an excuse to make another pair of whore shorts (spoiler alert!); Gordanna chooses New York; Irina takes Aspen; Chris takes Santa Fe; and Logan gets stuck with Hollywood.

They have thirty minutes to sketch, and this is –say it together now – a one day challenge. They have until 11 that night to finish their piece.

Sketching. Carol Hannah says that when she thinks of Palm Beach, she thinks of something that’s relaxed but put together. Althea says that San Tropez makes her think of ‘big yachts, and parties.” It makes me think of old Ban de Soleil commercials from the ‘80’s. Gordanna’s New York look is going to be sophisticated and Park Avenue.

Mood! They have $150 and 20 minutes. Gordanna buys a lot of jewels. Other people buy fabric of various sorts. Time!

Workroom! Logan says he’s going for something bohemian but comfortable, with tight skinny jeans. Yes, nothing says “comfortable” like a pair of yeasty-inducing jeans. Irina is making a 3 piece Aspen outfit with a hooded fur vest.

Nicolas is making something white which causes all the gays in the living room to complain about him making “more fucking Narnia.” Carol Hannah is making a dress that, in my eyes, is maybe too literal a take on Palm Beach since it actually has palm fronds printed on the fabric. Anyway, it immediately makes me think Golden Girls, but one of the other members of my viewing party calls it “Palm Beach Kennedy rape victim chic.”

It is at this point that I begin to suspect that the fellas are actually just yelling out any outrageous comment they can think of in the hopes that I’ll use them

Irina says something bitchy, but I’m too busy writing down “Palm Beach Kennedy rape victim chic” to catch the jist of it. And we go to commercial.

Back! Workroom. Tim arrives for his Tim Thru, and starts with Gordanna. Her focus is on a dramatic necklace, which is pretty awesome looking, but Tim worries about the fact that she hasn’t started the actual dress to go with it. Moving to Althea, he likes her muslin mock ups, which look to be the same goddamn shorts she’s made previously.

Does anyone feel like half the designers this season are just coasting without really trying at all?

Tim warns Christopher to avoid Santa Fe clichés, and tells him that while his belted look is nice “it can’t ALL be about the belt.”

Irina interviews that she’s surprised Christopher is here, and that his dress looks Amish.

Carol Hannah tells Tim that she’s trying to evoke the beach with her print. Tim thinks it’s kind of cliché.

To Nicolas, he says “different is good, as long as different is also stunning.” Logan gets a simple “you have some work to do,” which kind of indicates to me that Tim has given up on Logan. He tells Irina “you need to . . .watch every proportional relationship.”

Nicolas interviews that Irina’s garment is “borderline costume.” It’s nice to see someone bitchin on Irina for once since she does so much of it on others.

The models enter. Gordanna is freaking out because she only has a necklace.

Irina says there are “moments when I look around, and the level of craftsmanship and creativity hasn’t increased.” I hate to agree with Irina, but I agree with Irina. As I said: coasting.

An hour and a half! Nicolas is at a loss because he hasn’t worked with jersey. Althea interviews that “if Christopher can put that garment down the runway and not get eliminated, I don’t know what’s going on.”

My notes then say “Christopher admits that it’s like heruse.” If anyone wants to fill us in on what Christopher actually admits, or what heruse means, I’d appreciate it.

Is heruse even a word? It sounds French. Is it French? Sometimes when I’m drinking I go vaguely bilingual.

The designers head home. Nicolas feels like he’s in trouble, but thinks the 7 of them are an amazing group. Althea gives an interview about something, but I can’t hear her because every time they flash the tag that says she’s 23 on the screen, the gays all start yelling about how old she looks.

Sorry about that, Anonymous Hateful Commenter from Althea’s hometown of Dayton, OH.

Anyway, once people stop yelling “she’s 90!” and “she has total meth face!” and I can hear the TV again, Carol Hannah is giving the now ubiquitous comment about how weird it is that someone’s going home tomorrow. And we go to commercial.

Back! Gordanna cooks bacon. I knew I liked that girl. Carol Hannah worries that her dress isn’t what she wants to do. Nicolas says something that I don’t hear because it’s drowned out by a friend of mine talking about his insane hairdo, and how it looks like he styles it with olive oil.

It is at this point that I realize I am writing down more quotes from the people I watch with than from the show itself. Sorry. Can’t help it. They’re louder and funnier.

Workroom. Carol Hannah says she’s in a silent panic.

Tim sends in their models to do the usual bullshit. The models do the usual bullshit while the designers do the usual thing of running around finishing things up. Christopher interviews that he has the most to gain from Project Runway because he doesn’t have a design degree or as much experience as the others.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi does her usual thing of recapping the challenge, then introduces the judges. And hail, hail, the gang’s all here—we have both Kors and Nina for what I believe is only the second time this season. The guest judge is Mila Jovovich.

Showtime! Logan’s “Hollywood” outfit” is white pants with a blue tank top and a black vest. Under the vest, there are some Mork from Ork style suspenders. Althea has made bronze hoochie shorts with a white tank top. She says she can see her model walking the streets of San Tropez in it. “I can see her walking the streets in it,” someone in the living room says.

Nicolas has represented Greece with grey pants and a white top. Carol Hannah has made a green Uli dress for Palm Beach. Christopher’s Santa Fe look is a poufy bronze skirt with a blue top. Irina’s is an Aspen ski lodge outfit in browns and camels with a fur vest. And Gordanna has made a really basic platinum dress with a very dramatic necklace for New York.

Heidi tells Althea that she’s safe. She’s the only one who gets to leave the runway.

The judges start with Irina. Mila Jovovich says it’s hip, and has elements of a little girl playing grande dame. Michael Kors likes “the sex in the back” (heh heh heh), but thinks it’s maybe too literal an interpretation of an ‘80’s ski Aspen thing.

Moving to Christopher, Nina would have liked more vivid colors, and invokes Georgia O’Keefe. Yes, because a flowering vagina dress is what we all want to see on the runway. Mila Jovovich loves the belt because it has “1983 charm,” but Heidi points out that the belt is the only interesting thing.

Nina loves Carol Hannah’s choice of print, and loves the back of the dress. Mila Jovovich says she would live in it. Kors points out that it’s versatile, and you could wear it with flip flops or really dressy jewelry.

Yay, Carol Hannah!

They turn to Nicolas. Michael Kors tells him “ you got the wrong Greece. You got Grease, the movie.” Mila Jovovich likes the shirt.

Gordanna starts her critique by saying the dress isn’t great. Ok, lady, I know your ego has probably taken a huge hit from this competition, but you CAN’T start out by knocking your own design. Anyway, Mila Jovovich loves it, and wishes the dress was even simpler. Heidi thinks the necklace is amazing. Kors says that it’s sexy, sophisticated, and sleek.

Finally, they move to Logan who says that his inspiration was Lindsey Lohan and the Olsens. Burf. Nina says it’s just basic clothes. Heidi says she doesn’t mind it much, but Kors points out that he’s just made clothes, not fashion.

Deliberation! Kors says Irina’s outfit had runway power and looked Aspen, but Mila Jovovich thinks it’s almost too much. Nina says Gordanna’s fit the part, but Mila Jovovich thinks she needs to be more confident, and shouldn’t put down her own dress.

Damn, Mila Jovovich is kind of a negative Nelly, yes? Which is odd, because she managed to be so positive to their faces.

Finishing up the top group, Kors says Carol Hannah’s looked Palm Beach, but Nina says that she loved the fabric but thinks the dress needed something extra.

Starting the bottom group with Christopher, Mila Jovovich is surprised that the belt was so cool but the rest of the outfit was so sad. Of Nicolas, Kors says “nothing says Greece more than grey menswear.” And of Logan, Mila points out that “if this was called ‘Project I Didn’t Mind It,’ he should win.”

You know what? I kind of think this season SHOULD be called Project I Didn’t Mind It . There’ve been very few outfits I felt passionate about in a good way, and we’re in episode sodding ten.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi tells Carol Hannah she’s in. Irina. . . is the winner! And Gordanna is also in.

To the bottom three, Heidi tells them that they’re all very talented, “but you have to pump up the volume.” She tells Logan he’s in.

She warns Nicolas that he’s sadly missed the mark with this look, and reminds Christopher that he’s in the bottom two AGAIN, and calls his design wishy-washy.

Nevertheless, Christopher’s in. Nicolas is out. Mila Jovovich starts crying, and says she doesn’t know how the other judges do this every week.

Nicolas says he plans to take a break and move to London, Paris, or Japan. Tim is sad to see him leaving. The group in the living room is not.

On the next thrilling episode of Project I Didn’t Mind It: Facing away from the runway! We’ll see who the real designers are! Waiting for a diaper! This exploded!

Top Chef Vegas: Restaurant Wars.

Best Restaurant Wars?
Laurine leaves for front of house
And Jell-O-y lamb.

Ok, let me tell you, poppies: I believe I’m already on record as not being down with the “Super Sized” episodes. I think that there’s rarely enough “show” in Top Chef to merit that extra fifteen minutes, and so it just makes it feel endless.

And plus, it makes my fingers tired with all the tappa-tappa-tappa-ing. Seriously, I type about 125 WPM. Have you tried typing that fast for an hour and fifteen minutes? It’s not sustainable. It’s like trying to sprint an entire marathon.

(I would like to pause and tip my hat to my high school typing teacher who taught me everything I know about touch typing. And also to my father’s family, who are a Brobdignagian clan from whom I inherited my giant man sized hands and long fingers that trip nimbly over keyboards of any size)

Anyway, I think if there’s any episode that should be super-sized in most seasons, it’s Restaurant Wars. Because there’s usually enough food and enough drama to fill an entire prime time line up, much less a flimsy extra 15 minutes.

But this season? Um. . .

Let me put it this way: it may, as Tom claims, have included the best restaurant they’ve had at any restaurant during Restaurant Wars, but it was also the most boring of all Restaurant Wars.

And Laurine left, and it’s impossible to get a good head of steam and snark or even relief worked up over that, because while Laurine had moments of . . . okay-ness. . . she also had long stretches of invisible mediocrity, and a couple moments of craptasticness. And plus, I was so convinced that Jen was going home that I’m too busy being relieved that that didn’t happen to memorialize Laurine much.

If you really need something, go back to what I said about Mattin. It all applies. Even the name/Who’s Line Is It Anyway? thing. Laurine, Laurine, Laurine. . .

So let’s go.

Morning! Top Chef, Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound. Jen walks out of the pool in a cute bikini. I kind of want one. Laurine feels good about still being there, and says she won’t let what happened yesterday affect her today. Kevin is sad that Ash has left because they can’t replace his impact on their dynamic, and the Voltaggios are fighting all the time.

It’s nice that he wants them not to fight. It’s like a kid worrying about his parents. Or in this case, a gigantic, bearded, tree dwelling kid worrying about his tattooed gay dads.

They skedaddle to the M Resort, where Padma greets them with Rick Moonen, who I enjoyed a great deal on Top Chef: Masters. Padma and Rick talk about team work, and say that they’re testing their teamwork in this quickfire with a tag team cookoff.

They draw knives to get teams. Everyone’s is blank except Jen, who gets first choice and Michael who gets second. They’ll get to pick their teams.

Jen wonders whether to split the brothers or keep them together. She opts to leave them together, and picks Kevin. Michael picks Bryan. Jen picks Mike I. Michael picks Eli. Jen picks Laurine, and Robin is with the Voltaggio/Eli the dick team. Robin thinks it will be a great opportunity for them to work together and “face the demons.”

I’m guessing if you pissed on Robin’s best shoes, she’d tell you it made an interesting pattern on the suede. And she’d give you that passive aggressive little beaten smile while she said it, so you wouldn’t feel at all guilty about it because it would be such an obvious attempt to make you feel like she’s putting on a brave face.

Anyway, each team has 40 minutes to make a dish. After ten minutes, they spell out until all four chefs have cooked. They can’t speak to each other, period, and until they cook, they’re blindfolded.

Kevin points out that this is a ridiculous challenge. And. . .yeah. It’s nice that they want to pretend it’s about teamwork, but really, they’re not working together on this at all. They’re working separately with the same ingredients. Communication is an essential part of teamwork, and they’re prohibited from communicating.

So really, it’s not about teamwork. It’s about this being a reality show where the producers can fuck witchu any way way they like.

The team with the most cohesive dish gets a significant advantage in the elimination, and $10,000 to share from the M resort. They have 30 seconds to decide the order in which they’ll cook. Michael V puts Eli first to pick ingredients, then Robin, then his brother and himself to correct Robin’s mistakes and finish. On the blue team, Jen is first “to get the kick going,” then Laurine and Mike I, and Kevin finishes because he’s the best plater.

Start! Eli and Jen start grabbing ingredients. Jen pulls proteins and starts a sauce and chops some mushrooms and things. Eli sears off some strip steaks and sautees some mushrooms, then starts breaking down some greens and things, and worries about the stylistic differences in their team.

Second round! Jen worries about her team not following the flavor profile. Laurine adds some scallops to the mix, and doesn’t know what the thyme is doing in the oil, but figures it out eventually.

Robin is impressed by how much Eli got done in 10 minutes. She makes an ouzo anchovy vinaigrette to use with some fennel.

Third round! Jen says that Mike I looks dizzy. He takes her pot of oil with thyme off of the stove, and starts another pot of oil with herbs for poaching the cod. This. . .seems ridiculous and arbitrary. It won’t end up counting, but it’s a very odd situation where he seems to have interpreted what’s happening correctly, but then tried to “fix” it by. . .doing the exact same thing. It’s odd.

Bryan says something about Asian ingredients. I’m too busy being puzzled by Mike I’s oil action to notice what specifically. And now I’m thinking about Mike I and oil action. Ewwwww.
Final round! Kevin says that it’s hard both to figure out what’s going on and to have the stress of finishing. He decides NOT to poach the fish, but to butter roast it.

Michael worries about finishing other people’s food, and says that the foundation is there, he just has to build a house out of it. He puts the steak in the oven and adds zantham gum to Robin’s “soy concoction.”

Time! Commercial!

The guys on Million Dollar Listing look like complete douchebags. This does not surprise me.

Back! Padma and Rick taste the Red Team's Pan Roasted NY Strip with Whipped Miso Avocado Puree. Rick compares the challenge to a game of telephone “you just have to leave little clues behind.” I wonder how Rick Moonen plays telephone—we didn’t so much “leave little clues” when I was young; we just tried to sort out things that sounded like dirty words so the religious kids would have to swear.

The Blue team has ended up with a Sablefish with Sauteed Mushrooms, Shitake Broth and Radish Salad, and Jen misidentifies the sablefish as trout, even though she selected it. D’oh.

Rick said both teams did an extremely great job. But the winner is. . . .blue team! Yay!!!! Laurine is excited to be in on a win and not in the middle. Michael V says it’s hard to lose a challenge you’re not in control of.

So having won, the Blue team gets an advantage in the next elimination challenge. . .RESTAURANT WARS! Kevin feels good about it because they have a strong team. Bryan is excited, but thinks it’ll be a tough competition.

They’ll be cooking at Rick’s restaurant RM Seafood at the Mandalay Bay, which has two floors with two kitchens. Because they won the quickfire, the blue team gets to choose their kitchen, which doesn’t seem like too much of an advantage.

Padma says this time they don’t have to arrange the décor, to which Jen replies “Good.” I, on the other hand, am kind of sad that we won’t get to witness the clusterfuck of a chef trying to design a restaurant that doesn’t look like wicker infused vomit from the wares available at Pier One. But instead, it’s all about the restaurant and menu concept, the execution of the food, front of house and service. Whoever does front of house and service is also responsible for a dish.

Today, two members of each team will go to Whole Foods with $1500, while the others will go to Restaurant Depot with $1500.

Rick asks them to honor and respect the reason he built his restaurant; he’d like their menus to be sustainable too, and gives them a seafood watch card to help them select their dishes.

Padma tells the blue team that they can either take the $10,000 they won for the quickfire or let it ride and EACH get $10K if they win restaurant wars. They decide to let it ride. Good kids!

Commercial!

Back! 30 minutes to plan. The blue team opts for no dessert, knowing that teams have gone home for bad dessert in the past. Laurine volunteers to do front of house. On the red team, they opt for a Modern American concept. Bryan says he’s strong enough in pastry that he thinks they could do good desserts. They’re going for one of Robin’s crisps and something by Bryan, based on a ganache that he recently lost a quickfire with. Michael shoots down some of his brother’s ideas, and points out that the ganache bottomed out in the quickfire.

In many ways, even though Restaurant Wars is supposed to be kind of the centerpiece of any season of Top Chef, it feels like this is really a transitional episode—it does more to amp up the Brother Tension and further that plot than it does on its own.

Shopping! The brothers go to Whole Foods with Jen and Kevin; Mike and Laurine go to Restaurant Depot with Robin and Eli. Eli works in a plug for the awesome “Sprint Mobile phones” they use to keep in touch. Robin accuses the other team of stealing their idea for sparkling water. Umm. . . yes. Because no restaurant in the history of restaurants has ever had sparkling water until you.

Compound! Eli puts on a suit to show off his front of the house look, and they name their restaurant REVolt – Robin, Eli, Voltaggios. CUTE. I know the judges give them some guff for this name, but I’d eat there. The blue team names their team Mission because of Mission style architecture.

Michael gives Robin some ideas for refining at her dessert. At this point, she acts like she appreciates the ideas and is glad for the touches his French technique can put on her fairly basic dish.

This will change by the end of the episode. Next morning! RM Seafood! The blue team takes the upstairs space, which is the more formal and elegant of the two. And then the food flurry starts, and they have 3 hours.

In REVolt, Robin worries about losing her voice in the team. Michael says he’s not discrediting Robin as a chef, but he feels like she’s out of her league.

At Mission, Laurine helps out with prep, and runs through their menu (we’ll get to that later, as always). Jen feels like they’re running further behind than they should be.

Bryan runs through the menu at REVolt. Michael thinks their food will be more playful than Mission’s. Eli and Laurine take off to get changed into their front of house gear and start running through things with their servers.

Tom does a Tom thru, conferring first with Laurine to ask about her involvement with the kitchen, then with the other chefs to check on the progress of the prep. At REVolt, he asks Eli if he feels like front of house is safer, then questions Michael about the order of authority in the kitchen.

30 minutes! Laurine instructs the servers; Jen feels like she’s in the weeds. Michael feels like his team is kicking into high gear, and tells his brother not to be a dick.

Customers arrive! Two minutes! Kevin says their team is not ready. Laurine is still in the kitchen with the servers doing her line up, and the lounge area fills up while she’s doing this. Jen is not ready, by far. Commercial!

Back! Laurine starts seating people and Jen figures that she’ll butcher and cook the fish to order if she has to. At REVolt, a diner wonders “what REVolt has to do with this menu.”

Eli welcomes the judges, and Padma orders two of everything. Padma and Tom hate the name.

Eli brings out their Smoked Arctic Char with Beet Sauce and Horseradish Cream and their Chicken and Calamari 'Pasta'. Padma says the chicken is amazing, and Rick agrees that he’d order it. Tom teases Padma about hogging their portion of chicken. Rick finds the char one dimensional and Toby agrees that it doesn’t pop.

I just want to know why beets are such an “in” ingredient. They’re more ubiquitous this season than anything, even blood oranges have been in the past. It’s like the world is conspiring against me.

They wait for their second course, and worry about the wait between courses. When it finally arrives, they get a Duo of Beef, Braised Short Ribs and a Cod with Mussel Billi-Bi. Rick finds the Cod melt in your mouth delicious. Some diner in a green shirt is impressed. Toby isn’t overwhelmed by Bryan’s “meat and potatoes.” Tom enjoyed it, but wished it hadn’t been served cold.

In the kitchen, Robin asks Michael to let her serve her fucking dessert, and Michael gets offended. They argue more about the serving size.

Finally, Eli serves them the Chocolate Ganache with Spearmint Ice Cream and Chocolate Tuiles and the Pear Pithivier. Toby thinks the dessert is easily the best thing Robin’s done so far, and Rick compares it to a perfect massage. Rick says the ganache is beautiful, but Toby would like more ice cream.

They then talk about Eli, and Rick says he likes his intensity.

The judges move over to Mission. Tom points out the absence of desserts right away. If he marks them off for that after the whole Hosea winning without making a dessert abomination last year, I will flip my shit.

The first course at Mission is Arctic Char Tartar and Asparagus and Six-Minute Egg, which Laurine doesn’t bother to introduce to them. The judges start eating and Padma asks for salt. Mike I doesn’t understand why she asks for salt, since he seasoned it personally. The judges like the asparagus, but find it boring.

Laurine then goes around to apologize for the wait, and realizes that having Jen work on 2 intensive fish dishes for the same course wasn’t the best idea.

Ultimately, the judges get their second course, and Rick again laments the lack of explanation. Padma calls Laurine back to tell them about the Trout with Hazelnut Butter and the Bouillabaisse. Tom thinks the halibut in the bouillabaisse is ok, but says the consommé isn’t consommé because it’s not clear. He also says that the trout is a disaster, and that the butter sauce on it is broken. AUGGGH. This is the first time I’m actually worried about Jen.

Kevin worries about the temperature on the lamb and communication with Laurine.

Laurine serves the judges their Lamb with Carrot Jam and their Pork Three Ways. Toby frets about how no one asked how he wanted the lamb, and it’s all (under)cooked the same way. They like the pork dish better, and Toby says he misses having a desert. I'm FINE with Toby saying this because it's consistent with the position he took in the Season 5 finale. If Tom had said it, though, I would've flipped my shit.

At the end of service, a waiter at REVolt hands giant sunflowers to the patrons. The diners think everything was delicious.

At Mission, Mike worries that they’re all going home together, and a diner says she’d like to have heard more about the dishes. Mike interviews again about how they all feel like crap about their performance.

Commercial!

Fake Back! We flash back to Michael and Robin fighting in the line, and Michael talks about what it takes to be a good leader, and how there’s no room for yelling and swearing in the kitchen. We see footage of him yelling and swearing in the kitchen, and then he says people mistake his confidence for arrogance.

Really Back! Stew room. Kevin worries that it might have been some of the worst cooking they’ve done in their careers, and Mike I agrees that if the blue team wins, the red team must’ve done a horrible job.

Padma calls back REVolt. They are the winners of Restaurant Wars. Tom tells them it’s the best restaurant war restaurant they’ve ever had. Toby says if he’d reviewed it, he would’ve made fun of the name and criticized Eli for being underdressed, but then given them 3 dishes.

They praise all the dishes, with a few dings for Eli’s char. There’s a little fight about whether Michael “helped” Robin with the dessert or “dominated” her. I'm beginning to think that this is the real secret to everyone hating Robin -- it's not just that she's significantly older and talks too much, it's that she smiles and takes your advice to your face and then acts like a put upon victim who was forced to bend to your will to the judges.

Anyway, Rick announces that the winner is .. .Michael! Yay! Rick gives him an autographed copy of his book Fish Without a Doubt, which he describes as “my bible.” So his own book is his bible? That’s, um. . .shockingly arrogant. It’s like if I said this blog was my bible.

And now prepare ye for the first commandment of Jordan: and thou shalt eateth the bacon often, and with great gusto. And thou shalt eateth it with peanut butter, and thou shalt eateth it with chocolate as well as with thine eggs for breakfast. For yea, bacon is good in all things, and all things are good in bacon. This is the word of . . .me.

Anyway, in better prize news, Padma gives him the $10,000 the other team forfeited. He asks if he can split it with the team. Aw.

Stew room. Jen asks if anyone wants to cuddle before she goes home. Mike wishes he’d worked front of house because he has more experience running big restaurants than Laurine.

They all clap for Michael before the blue team goes back. Michael asks Bryan if he’s pissed. Bryan denies it, but wants Michael to keep his share of the $10K, and admits in interview that he is pissed about his brother’s unprofessional behavior being rewarded.

Judges’ table. Tom asks if they should’ve split up the courses differently since they were each essentially responsible for both dishes in one course.

Starting with the first courses, Mike was happy with the asparagus, but worried about the char. Padma says he’s exactly right. He’s obviously safe. Booo.

On the second course, Jen says she could’ve done some things better, and worries about cooking things to order. Toby says that the good components of the dish nullified each other, making the dish less than the sum of its parts. Tom knocks her on the broken butter sauce, and Jen says she’s feeling pretty broken right now.

Padma calls out the third course on being too rare and compares the lamb to Jell-O. Tom asks Laurine why she didn’t take the initiative to make the dish more to her liking. Toby says she was like a deer in the headlights as Front of House, and calls her out again for not educating them about the dishes. She says she was reflecting the anxiety of the kitchen, and Tom says it sounds like they needed a leader.

Deliberation. The judges talk about how the chefs all knew they didn’t have a good meal. Toby points out that nothing went seriously wrong with Mike’s dishes. Tom says Jen was insane for steaming to order, and they talk about how disappointing the trout was.

They talk about Kevin being responsible for the lamb since he cooked it and it was virtually raw, and Laurine being responsible for it since it was her dish. There’s also more about how crap she was at front of house. Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them that they were absolutely horrible and are an embarrassment to the proud tradition of restaurant wars. Jen had several things wrong with her dishes. Kevin’s lamb was bad, but the pork was good. Laurine was bad at running front of house, and hid when things got tough. Mike didn’t have anything bad about the dishes, but nothing was great either.

Padma tells Laurine to pack her knives and go. Oh, thank god. I was so worried that it would be Jen.

Laurine says it was a harder experience than she ever imagined. She feels like every obstacle she hurdles makes her stronger.

Someone asks Kevin what they said, and Kevin doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s “really angry right now.” Hm. I wonder why? What didn’t we see that would explain my delightful tree trunk dwelling Kevin’s anger? Were he and Laurine that close? Is he that unsettled about being lightly dinged for his role in the lamb fiasco?

The world may never find out.

Next! Natalie Portman! Likes and dislikes! Robin’s going to shine! Mike I’s in the weeds! It’s disgusting and Natalie’s confused.

Well, Phuck Me.

I take some minor consolation in the phact that Beephy Muchacho got the only perfect score for team and number of games (6 points), and only Mighty Momogus, Lisa, and the main stream media were right on the winning team (4 points).

The rest of us? Phailures.

Halfway through the League Championship Series:

Beefy Muchacho = 16
Mighty Momogus =13
FOX = 10
WaPo = 9
c s = 10
Tyler = 7
alot, alot = 5
JES = 4
Jordan = 4
Lisa = 0.

Project Runway: Gitchy, Gitchy, Ya-ya, Da-da.

Poor Persian Princess
X-ed out by Ms. X-tina
For witchy poo dress.

(If you're looking for baseball, go here)

Ok, kids. Normally I'd be all full spitty anger about Shirin going home, because in all honesty, she and Carol Hannah have been my favorites for awhile now.

And I'm sure I am somewhere on the inside. But here's the thing: my sleep cycles, while fucked up normally, have been more fucked up than usual lately. On Monday, I slept twelve hours. The last two nights, I think I've slept probably a patched together maximum of four hours each.

If I don't take a decongestant, my nose is runny, and I can't breathe, and I don't sleep. If I do take a decongestant, I feel like I've been smacked upside the head with one of those carnival "Show Your Strength" hammers for about twelve hours afterward.

So last night, I eked out about an hour of non-drugged sleep, until one, then woke up and tried to get back to sleep for about an hour after that, but couldn't because Beyonce's "Halo" --which I HATE -- was racing through my head, and my nose was running.

So I took a decongestant at two twenty, and spent about an hour writing my notes up while it kicked in before returning to bed at 3:15 for about 3 hours of drugged sleep prior to waking up to the hammer-smacked feeling.

And if this post rockets back and forth between sheer tired rage and stoned vagueness, now you understand why.

And Shirin, I'm sorry that this happened when you were AUWT-ed, and I can't coherently say how much I'll miss you. Because I will miss you. You're adorable, and I liked your clothes a lot.

Anyway. Let's just do this thing.

Morning! Los Angeles! Christopher makes his bed and worries about being in the

In the girls’ apartment, Shirin feels like she’s proved herself. Carol Hannah feels like just because she hasn’t won doesn’t mean she’s in the bottom.

There’s some more equally meaningless chitchat, and then they cut to the Runway. Heidi, in some truly awful pants, waits to tell them about their next challenge. In her enigmatic German fashion, she says that if they “really want to shine, your look must upstage the rest.”

They all ooh and ah over what this could possibly mean. Oh, Heidi Klum. You are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in some terrible, terrible pants. And then wrapped in schnitzel.

The designers go to meet with Tim, who is waiting for them with Bob Mackie. Since they’re seeing this in real life, and so don’t have helpful captions to read across the bottom of the TV, Tim lets them know that “Mr. Mackie is frequently referred to as the Sultan of Sequins.”

Boy, it’s too bad Charlie the divorcee isn’t here to have her “'Half-Breed' moment” this week.

Their challenge is to create an extravagant stage look. Bob Mackie tells them that designing for the stage “is not fashion; it’s a whole other place.”

Tim says their stage look must be in the style of Bob Mackie, and that they’re designing it for. . . .Christina Aguilera.

Is she still spelling it Xtina? Should I even care? Anyway, Nicolas declares that this is “the best Project Runway moment ever.” I’m sure Nicolas could find people who would disagree with him on that. Like I bet that the five people who’ve won would call the moment of their winning the best Project Runway moment ever. Personally, I still vote for Michael Kors saying “that crotch is just insane to me.”

They’ll have 30 minutes to sketch in the wonderous and not at all thrown together on a $6 budget just for this challenge museum of 7 Bob Mackie dresses that they’re standing in, and then $300 to spend at Mood. It’s a two day challenge, which is nice. So many of the challenges have been one day-ers so far that I was starting to believe that they’d produced the entire season in a little over a week. It was probably the only time they could find in the last decade where Heidi wasn’t pregnant.

Christopher says that this challenge is “frightening and exciting and exhilarating,” while Carol Hannah says she’s under more pressure for this one than she has been for the other challenges.

Mood! They all buy a lot of shiny shit and feathers. Carol Hannah says that her strategy is to “buy as many different things as I possibly can and figure it out later.”

Thank you, Mood!

Workroom! Everyone unpacks their fabrics. Althea says she feels like she’s just had Christmas. In Althea’s family, it’s apparently the tradition to exchange giant bags of cheap sequined fabric rather than actual gifts. In another corner of the room, Irina shit talks Shirin. Irina shit talking other girls is becoming a major theme of this season. I’m guessing it’s been a major theme of Irina’s life to date.

Nicolas reminds Christopher that there are four challenges left after this one. Christopher freaks out a little. He is making an “’80’s punk prom kind of look” with a beaded corset. This can only be a tremendous failure.

Carol Hannah is hesitating on what to make because of the pressure of the challenge and how much of a stretch it is for her from what she normally does. Logan tells us “I don’t follow Christina as close as some of the other designers.” This is Logan’s way of reminding us that he doesn’t have The Gay or The Vagina.

There seems to be some sort of general good natured horseplay, during the course of which Christopher swoops Carol Hannah up in his arms and carries her around. It’s cute.

Gordanna says that having immunity is “nice.” Then the beads start falling off her dress in huge rows. She says she’s too frazzled.

End of day one! Commercial!

Back! Next Day! As the sun rises over the block like buildings of the Los Angeles skyline, Gordanna melts out of a chair in the girls' apartment. Carol Hannah, who is sitting on the floor doing her eye makeup, reassures her that she’s not starting from square one, but Gordanna says she is. She vows to be “Speedy Konsalez.”



Andale, Andale! Macht Schnell! Macht Schnell!

Remind me to tell you my dirty joke about Speedy Gonzales sometime.

Workroom! Fashion Flurry! Tim comes in to do his Tim Thru. Starting with Christopher, he says he’s feeling a “general disappointment” with the look, and that there’s “an overall primness to it” and that it’s “1999 in the costume department.” He calls Gordanna’s dress “matronly,” and tells Nicolas “I thought you moved your winning look over here for inspiration.”

There is then much rejoicing in the living room, as we’ve all spent the last twenty minutes yapping about how Nicolas seems to be using the same three white sequined fabrics that he used to make his White Witch in a High School Production of Narnia costume from the movie challenge.

He then goes over to Carol Hannah and tells her that he can see her look “being very Christina.” However, Shirin’s “looks like Guinevere meets Vampira” for “a 16 year old’s really bad prom.”

Irina interviews that she just doesn’t know why Shirin is still here. Increasingly in this episode, it feels like the only reason Irina is still here is to talk shit about the other female designers.

Fashion flurry! Shirin is scrapping her look and starting over. She has a sudden inspiration, and then the models come in and do their thing where they pretend to like their designers’ looks.

We then get a random sequence of Carol Hannah saying random things about pineapple and how when she’s fifty, she’ll look like her mom. Then there’s something about Logan “distracting” her, while slow jam porno guitar music plays in the background.

Oh, Lifetime editors. You make the Bravo editors look like masters of subtlety and nuance.

Two and a half hours. Althea wears some awful Kanye glasses. Nicolas freaks out. Irina interviews that “everyone seems to be going nuts.” Irina seems to be giving a lot of fucking interviews in this episode. She’s like the nasty voice of the episode’s conscience. Gordanna drapes a sheet of fabric over her head and has a giggle fit. Commercial!

Back! Fashion flurry! Tim sends in the models for their two hours of product placement and fitting.

Nicolas talks about how he can’t choke on this challenge because Christina is his idol, and he worries that his dress is too simple.

Irina audibly shit talks Carol Hannah to her model, Celine. Alright, look—it’s one thing to shit talk each other in interviews. If you’re on a reality show, everyone is going to do that at some point, and if they don’t they’re going to get edited down to pretty much nothing. It’s another thing to shit talk to other contestants, but again, it’s pretty much inevitable.

It’s a third thing altogether to shit talk another designer to your model. That’s like complaining about your husband to the hired help. It is just. Not. Done.

Anyway, Nicolas endears himself to me slightly by interviewing that “Irina is a really good designer. The only problem is that she’s a bitch.”

Then there’s the make up flurry and the final fashion flurry, and Tim ushering them to the runway and worrying that no one is listening to him. Commercial!

Back! On the runway, Heidi reminds them of what the challenge they just spent two days working on was. Then she introduces them to Bob Mackie, the THANKFULLY returned Nina Garcia, and, walking out from behind the scrim looking like she’s borrowed one of Lady Gaga’s spare wigs (except this was filmed in 2008 when for all intents and purposes THERE WAS NO LADY GAGA). . . Christina Aguilera. Or Xtina. One of those.

Fashion time! Althea’s look is a cheap looking silver dress with a giant feather cape thing. It looks like something Lena Lamont would wear in a touring production of Singing in the Rain. Logaan’s is a short, sparkly zebra looking thing with a fur shrug. Shirin’s is a black thing with flares.

Christopher’s is an ugly dress that breaks away to reveal mediocre looking lingerie. Nicolas has made a white feathered mini dress. It’s really probably the best thing there, but it’s also something I’ve seen six million times before. Not that anything this week is groundbreaking.

Gordanna’s is an awful looking ivory thing. Irina’s is a coat over a sequined slip. Carol Hannah’s is a long black dress with lots of different textures. It’s very figure flattering.

On the runway, Heidi tells Irina to step forward. Her scores have qualified her to move on to the next round. Then she calls Gordanna forward, and tells her that she should be grateful she has immunity, because otherwise there’s a good chance she would be AUWT.

Moving to the remaining designers, they start with Carol Hannah. She says that the challenge was a stretch for her, so she focused on making one high glam piece. Christina says she did a great job, and Nina agrees that it’s very glamorous with the promise of turning into something revealing. Bob Mackie loves the different textures of blacks.

Shirin admits that she wasn’t terribly confident about the challenge, and that she took on a lot. Heidi says her dress looks like an “upscale witch Halloween dress,” and Christina says she’d totally trip in it if she wore it on stage. Nina likes the top half, but says the bottom half is a “Carmen Miranda moment.”

What is it with Shirin and her “moments” these last two weeks.

We move to Althea, and one of the guys in the living room says that the cape on her dress looks like a wet puppy dog. It’s the most accurate and least tongue bathing comment Snaggletooth Old Face will get, so I feel obligated to include it. Bob Mackie likes the way she uses the reverse of the fabric, and Heidi says the back looks great “on the bottom.” Nina grudgingly says that it’s nicely made, but that the train might be cumbersome.

God, it’s so good to have Nina back.

On to Christopher, Heidi is not loving the pantelettes, and Nina says it’s a “revisit of ‘Lady Marmalade;’ everything seen here has been done and seen before.” I know that’s cut into her critique of Christopher’s outfit, but I feel like it could apply to everything on the stage. Bob Mackie says he wouldn’t put it on a chorus girl, but Christina gives him an “E for effort.”

As an aside, at my alma mater (the Harvard of the Southwest), we had E’s instead of F’s. I feel like that grading scale could apply to Christopher’s outfit as well.

Nicolas says he wanted his look to have a Deco feel, and Heidi tells him it’s beautiful. Christina says it’s a fun outfit that she could move in, and Bob Mackie loves the feathers and the way it works.

Finally, Logan says he wanted to be a bit more edgy. Christina says she gets a bit of a cave woman vibe from it, but that she likes the touches of color. Nina tells him that at least he took a chance. I then have “(unlike the rest)” in parentheses in my notes. I’m not sure if she said that or if I said that or if she didn’t say it but I felt it was implied in her tone.

Heidi dismisses them and they start their critique with Nicolas. Christina liked the movement below the waist. Nina gives him credit for having thought about the fact that it was for the stage.

On Carol Hannah’s Bob Mackie says it was put together interestingly, and Heidi adds that it was very chic. And on Althea’s Christina loved the construction of shapes, and Nina says it was beautiful.

Moving to the bottom group, Nina says that Shirin’s was “unfortunate,” while Heidi calls it “dowdy,” and Christina says that “not a lot of thought” seems to have gone

Nina then calls Christopher’s “tasteless,” and Bob Mackie says that it belongs in a “road company of the Pussycat Dolls.” Ouch. Nina then adds that he did something that’s been done before, and he did it badly. And on Logan’s Nina recalls the cave woman remarks, while Heidi says that at least it’s a little bit youthful.

Commercial!

Back! Althea is in. And then Christina gets to announce the winner, and it’s . . . Carol Hannah! Yay! Everyone in the living room screams with excitement, because she seems to be one of the few people left in this clusterfuck who’s both nice AND talented. Sadly, in doing so we drown out her interview, and all I get is “she’s excited.”

Nicolas is in. Logan is in.

To the bottom two, Heidi tells Christopher that all he’s made is an inexpensive repeat of the “Lady Marmalade” look. And Shirin lost herself in the challenge, and made a dress that was both unflattering and boring.

So Shirin is out. And then everyone in the living room screams in frustration, because it seems unfair that Logan and Christopher have both been in the bottom SO MANY TIMES, but are being kept around to fill some minimum penis quotient or something, and because Shirin seems genuinely sweet, and personally, I really liked a lot of her clothes.

Anyway, Shirin hugs everyone but Irina, who sits in a corner and rolls her eyes as this display of inferior human emotion is taking place. Because in case you didn’t get the message of this episode, it’s that Irina is a bitch.

My final note reads “Shirin – not going to” and then something that is either “yare” or “gave” or “yaue” or “jaie” or something. If anyone has any clues, I’d appreciate it.

Next time! Rodeo Drive! Amish! Irina’s not here to make friends! A little mental breakdown! Kors AND Nina! Halle freakin llujah, it’s about time we got the whole gang back together.